O | The Online Writing Workshop Newsletter, October 2000
W | sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!

| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

- Sponsorship Update
- Workshop News:
  OWW at the World Fantasy Convention
  OWW's sponsorship goals
  OWW's policy on "contentless" reviews
  How-to-Critique FAQ
  Editorial Focus announcement
  OWW's policy on agent memberships
  Reminders and tips
- Editors' Choices for September submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Feedback:
  Tips for fellow members
  Poll on review points


| - - SPONSORSHIP UPDATE - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

The Online Writing Workshop is current sponsored by Del Rey Books, one
of the leading publishers of SF/F.  Visit their Web site for sample
chapters of upcoming books, in-depth features, author interviews,
special offers, and more. 

Del Rey Books: http://www.randomhouse.com/delrey

Del Rey's featured title for October/November: A KISS OF SHADOWS

Laurell K. Hamilton's bestselling series featuring Anita Blake,
Vampire Hunter, established her as one of the hottest new writers of
dark fantasy and erotic horror. Now Hamilton turns to the
glittering, myth-drenched lands of Faerie and brings them brilliantly
into the postmodern age.  Enter a thrilling, sensual world as
threatening as it is beautiful, replete with the titanic passions of
immortal beings once worshipped as gods or demons.  

To find out more about A KISS OF SHADOWS, subscribe to the Laurell K.
Hamilton e-mail list by sending a blank message to
join-lkhamilton@list.randomhouse.com 

Author's Web site: http://www.laurellkhamilton.com


| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

OWW AT THE WORLD FANTASY CONVENTION

Kelly Link, a member of our Editorial Board and one of our workshop
administrators, will be at the World Fantasy Convention in Corpus
Christi, Texas October 26-29 and would be very interested to meet
workshop members, so keep an eye out for her.  OWW is not sponsoring
any official get-togethers, but she will be in the bookroom at least
some of the time. 

OWW's SPONSORSHIP GOALS

Online Writing Workshops, LLC is actively seeking
sponsorships/partnerships with publishers or other interested
organizations so as to keep the SF & F workshop free for members.  Our
preference is to provide a free workshop for you, while still managing
to stay afloat financially.  Our Del Rey sponsorship will last through
December 6, and by that time we hope to have a new deal to announce.

CONTENTLESS REVIEW POLICY

New members often are at a bit of a loss as to how to review and
critique submissions.  The workshop's administrative staff is taking
steps to contact members whose reviews are devoid of useful content
and point them on their way to more useful reviewing techniques.  We
also suggest (but do not require) that they revise their inadequate
reviews.  Our "How to Critique" FAQ, which is coming soon, will do a
lot to address this need, but we will still be personally contacting
those who need help.  If you receive a "contentless" review,
especially if the reviewer seems to have a habit of giving such
reviews, let us know at support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com and
we'll see what we can do.  

COMING SOON: HOW-TO-CRITIQUE FAQ

After soliciting input from members of the OWW-SFF-Writing mailing
list and reviewing the "how-to" information that's currently part of
our site, we're in the process of compiling a "How to Critique" FAQ
(list of frequently asked questions) which will become a prominent
part of the workshop.  The idea is to give members unfamiliar with
critiquing a head-start on providing useful feedback to other authors.
 Send your critiquing tips to support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com,
and watch for the new FAQ in the lefthand navigation soon! 

EDITORIAL FOCUS

Beginning next month we'll be trying out a new newsletter feature
called "Editorial Focus," which will pick some aspect of SF/F fiction
writing and, using an example or examples from the workshop, give some
advice on it from our editorial staff.  Examples will be used by
permission only.  We're excited about this new idea and hope that it
will add to the workshop's usefulness.

OWW's POLICY ON AGENT MEMBERSHIPS

As the workshop grows, it will attract literary agents and editors
searching for new talent.  On the one hand, we welcome this
opportunity for our members, but on the other hand we also want to
extend to you a few warnings.  While most agents are reputable and
honest--whether well-known or not--some are scam artists out to fleece
unsuspecting writers.  We will investigate any agent member of whom we
become aware, and share what we find out with any members we know of
who have been contacted.  Our goal is to look out for our members, and
 be a clearinghouse for the information we find.  Ask us for help if
you need it!

You can also do some information-gathering yourself, and get advice on
agents, at the Science Fiction Writers of America Web site.  Or start
from the "Agents and the Publishing Business" section of our Writers'
Resources page.

SFWA's "Writers Beware" area:  http://www.sfwa.org/Beware
SFWA's Preditors and Editors area: http://www.sfwa.org/prededitors/

REMINDERS AND TIPS

Updating submissions:  If you want to replace a current submission
with an edited version, don't delete and resubmit--that will cost you
three review points.  Instead, use the "Edit this submission" link
that shows up when you view your own submission (no points necessary).

Formatting:  Check the formatting of your submissions after you
submit, and edit if necessary.  If your submission has no paragraph
breaks, it will likely have no reviewers!  Tips on italicizing,
boldfacing, paragraph and line breaks, etc. can be found in our
Formatting Tips, which you can also get to from the submission form.  

Formatting Tips: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/formatting.shtml

Using the "append text" form:  you need to submit your first chunk of
text via the regular submission form before you follow the link to the
"append text" form and submit the rest.


| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

The Editor's Choices are the submissions from the previous month that
show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of our
Editorial Board.  Each gets a composite review by the Board, which is
published on the site and in the newsletter.  We usually pick one
fantasy chapter or partial chapter, one SF chapter or partial chapter,
and one short story. (The volume of short stories is much less than
that of chapters, so we're not going to pick a fantasy story and an SF
story each month unless that imbalance changes. Mixed SF/F chapters
will be considered under whichever category seems to predominate in
the submission.) We also list two  runners-up in each category the
newsletter, with our comments.

To view Editors' Choices on the workshop, go to the submission list
and click on "Editors' Choices" in the Submission Selector.  Six
months of ECs will be archived there, with their editorial reviews.

Our Editorial Board: 
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/editorialboard.shtml

Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors and runners 
up!


Editor's Choice, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: THE MINOTAUR by J.
P. Moore

This opening chapter left us hungry for more.  The depiction of
characters and the town of Dure, the quality of description, and the
writing in general were of such high quality that all we can suggest
is a final polish, and then write more!  When Elysa says that "mothers
as well as fathers might have used her," this is confusing--wouldn't a
prostitute at least know the gender of her clients?  Rourke should
tell Bug to "lie down," not "lay down" when the earthquake hits.  When
it "seems" as if Bug "could not hear," perhaps it should be changed to
"Bug did not respond" since in fact, Bug really can't hear over the
deafening rumble.  The city wall and what exactly might be behind it
isn't clear yet, but should be, as it seems an important plot element.
 The political briefing that Lysus Carter gives Rourke is a little
confusing, but will hopefully become clearer as the story progresses. 
(One quibble:  you tell us Lysus Cayzar's jaw is flat and his
expression is also flat.)  The author has an enviable talent for
capturing a large and individual group of characters in one short
chapter.  The relationships between Elysa and her vanished friend
Shamhat and between Rourke and Bug are nicely portrayed. The rapid POV
shifts between Rourke and Elysa keep the story moving effectively, but
in one of Rourke's sections, the focus of the POV moves out from
Rourke to the harbormaster Hack.  Unless Hack is going to be more
important to the story than Rourke, keep close to Rourke.  (Hack
probably doesn't even need a name.)  As a general rule, you don't
necessarily need to separate a character's dialogue from tag lines
where they then perform an action.  It creates a jerky and broken
rhythm--this is a problem in the scenes between Rourke and Bug and
Rourke and Hack.  There is also a problem with tense in the section in
which we are told about Elysa's past--this should be in the past
perfect tense.  All of these are minor problems, and easily fixed.  In
general, as one of our editors said--we felt that we were in the hands
of a "real" author who knew what he/she was doing.     

Editor's Choice, SF chapter/partial chapter: BEE HOUSE RISING by Keby
Thompson

This chapter begins well, with an interesting protagonist in a
difficult situation.  The narrative carried us through, and the
setting is intriguing, although the author probably means "omnipresent
brown" rather than "omnipotent brown."  In general, the writing could
be a little tighter.  Adjectives like "scummy" and "moldy," as well as
a "tiresome spot" on a jeep or a "withered mother" seem a bit strong
and odd or just plain incorrect.  The adjectives "brown" and "old" are
greatly overused to describe the locals.  "He or she said" is less
intrusive than "Andie rambled off" or "he justified" or "burbled." 
The connection Andie feels towards the child she buys is convincing,
although it's then very distressing when, having bought the child,
Andy doesn't buy any food for the child.  The POV switch when Andie
meets the old woman in the road distracts, and although the
description of the scars is nice, it's unclear whether the
scarification is still visible.  Keep the language and sentences plain
and pared down--"Andie felt rooted, her feet baked into the ground by
the burning sun" could happily lose the rest of the sentence.  At the
very end, the sentence "Seconds passed like days" could be cut, and
the next sentence broken up to read "In the end, Andie let the feather
lie.  She returned to the jeep, put it in first, and drove away."  The
very last sentence, about the shaman woman watching and smiling should
probably also be cut.  It feels a little too dramatic and cliched.

Editor's Choice, Short Story: "From the Journals of Professor
Copernicus Finch, M.S., Hex. D." by Sarah Prineas

We thought this was delightful!  One editor said, "the evocation of a
slightly skewed parallel England reminded me of similar fun stories I
read in the pages of _Fantasy and Science Fiction_ back in the Good
Old Days." Another was happily reminded of Terry Pratchett.  Professor
Copernicus Finch's self-importance, his fussiness, and his ongoing
battle with Dickon over the back garden were all deftly captured in
the journal entries.  The author's sly tone was perfect, and names
like Esme Quirck and Mrs. Slithers were distinctive and well-chosen. 
An especially nice detail was the portrait etched on the marrow.  We
were never in any real doubt as to the eventual fate of Professor
Finch, but what a pleasure it was getting there!  We would love to
read more by this author.


Runner Up, fantasy: KING'S CHAMELEON by Thomas Treadwell and Mackenna
Charleson

We had a very hard time selecting our Editor's Choice in Fantasy this
month!  We all felt that this chapter was strong, the swashbuckling
tone was delightful, and the premise was original.  We were swept
right into the story. Although there is an earlier prologue, you might
want to cut that and begin with this chapter--you could work the
material of the prologue into the rest of the novel quite easily.  The
blend of historical characters and events with invented characters and
magical events was particularly well-handled, and historical details
such as the descriptions of people's clothing were assured and
convincing. Of course, in a historical setting you will have to be
careful to get such details just right--one editor wonders if the word
"spook" might be anachronistic.  When Hopkin's eyebrow drops on the
drawing he is examining, and he brushes it away, we assume you mean an
eyelash.  And when Newland mentions that "he was some acquainted with"
the woman who was half-eagle/half-human, we wondered why Hopkins
doesn't pursue this acquaintanceship--how well did Newland know the
woman?  When Faith "dimpled the summary," we wondered what that meant.
 And Chastity's emergence onto the pillow was a little
surprising--occasionally your language is more showy and
self-consciously clever than precise.  When the sisters then have to
jump into the water naked and swim back to shore, they seemed
remarkable unperturbed--wouldn't the harbor water be cold and dirty? 
Wouldn't they complain just a little?  Nomad the Pirate, by the way,
seems a bit like calling a character "Barbarian the Highwayman"--it
just sounds a bit silly and melodramatic.  In general, the dialogue
could use a bit more exposition--occasionally this feels a bit like
reading a movie script rather than a novel.  The transitions between
characters and scenes were clever, but again, perhaps more cinematic
than literary, and sometimes rather abrupt.  Considering that this is
a co-authored chapter, we are particularly impressed by how well the
story and writing hold together. Another draft should clean up the
rougher bits.    

Runner Up, fantasy: MR. L OF RED SQUARE by Mark Budman

This was an interesting piece, to say the least!  What we appreciated
most about this selection was the author's originality and
audaciousness.  We felt he had a strong feel for the culture and a
sharp, satirical eye.  The writing was exotic, sometimes quite funny,
occasionally just plain goofy. Sometimes it seemed as if the writer
was translating the story into English from another language--this was
frustrating and off-putting.  Whereas some of the tics in the writing
(such as "dear soul") add flavor, you might want to go through the
chapter again and smooth out and tone down some of the more tangled
syntax.  A little seasoning goes a long way.  There's some gorgeous
and original writing, such as the brief aside about the visitors to
Lenin's tomb, as well as the interview of Lenin at the station.  At
the end of the first section, the switch from Nikifor to Lenin was a
bit abrupt--maybe you could linger a bit longer on Nikifor? The second
storyline, which picks up with Oleg and the Russian Mafia, was not as
original--the Nikifor/Lenin passage makes a more successful short
story than the whole of the selection does as a continuing novel.     

Runner Up, science fiction:  THE BETA CONSPIRACY by Mike Dumas

The author may want to choose a more evocative title--"The Beta
Conspiracy"  sounds like one of the classic SF paperbacks his
character Katey enjoys reading. (And it would be nice to know what
specific SF novel Katey _is_ reading.) Beginning the novel from the
alien POV of Gu is terrific, and the writing in the prologue is
strong; but none of the characters in Chapter One are as sharply
defined as Gu.  Cousin Bubba is a cliched name for a cliched
character, and Katey seems a little too girlish--she speaks "softly,"
she smiles "sweetly," her face is "smooth" and her eyes aren't just
green--they're "sea green."  The author says her voice is soft but
gritty ("as dried mud"--dried mud isn't soft though!); put a little
grit in her character.  "Red hair framing her concentration like
parentheses" is a nice simile, but "face" would be more concrete than
"concentration." We should be told Charlie's relative and actual ages.
 The sentence "When Bubba remembered John had said something about
Beta, Charlie almost smiled" is confusing because of sentence order
(in an earlier sentence, Bubba has departed into the rain), and an
overabundance of names.  Stage the conversation instead. "Graying hair
grew from John MacNeeley's head like short, steel bristles set in a
.45 bullet" is terrific, but trim the rest of the description; don't
step on your own good lines. The dialogue throughout could use
work---Charlie's conversations with MacNeeley and Katey feel a little
stilted and artificial. Finally, the attention the author and Charlie
both pay the cat Mosby begins to seem a bit sinister--is he an alien
in disguise, or does he merely remind Charlie of something alien? 

Runner Up, science fiction:  THE TRIAL OF TOMPA LEE by Ed Hoornaert

There's some terrific description in this selection, although
shantytowns probably aren't both "cockroach-infested" and
"snow-covered."  Occasionally the careful attention to detail is
overdone: "[The briefcase] was about the size of one of the antique,
hardcover books that had been in Aunt Gretel's cottage on the Chilean
coast."  The collection of dead birds in Reger's office, however, was
a very nice detail, as was the description of the "poor-but-honest man
of yesteryear" trend in clothes, and the chair in which Caroline sits
uncomfortably because it was designed for an alien physiology. None of
the characters seem particularly clear or sympathetic or even distinct
from each other--Caroline, at least, should be vivid to the reader.
Nor is it clear why Reger and the lawyer need to blackmail her into
doing the job which she seems to want to do.  The anecdote about the
Detchvilli and their purchase of the Chicago Symphony Orchestra
pleased half the editorial board, but the other editors found it
silly, which points to a larger general problem with the tone of the
prologue: it wavers between satire, broad humor, political thriller,
and space opera.  It's possible, of course, to mix all of these
genres--it does, however, require an extremely deft touch and good
timing.  The action in the prologue moves along at a swift pace; maybe
it would be better to slow things down a bit, and give us more of
Caroline and the predicament in which she finds herself.

Runner Up, short story: "Tetley's Time Travel Emporium" by Steve
Hallberg

This is, as the author notes, an old, tired concept, but he puts a
nice fast spin on it.  We enjoyed it.  It was nice to see a scientist
go back in time and kill his grandfather (and seduce his grandmother!)
with such relish.  As the scientist and his assistant (appropriately
named "Harry") get hairier, and then even stranger, matters get
funnier.  The last line of the story, when Harry (no longer hairy)
can't get his pincer around the dial, was a great stopping place.  We
don't have much to suggest--this could possibly be a bit longer, but
tinker with the length and we might remember what an old, old story
this really is.  The author has a nice hand with dialogue. 

Runner Up, short story: "The Patron Saint of Zombies" by Jennifer de
Guzman

We liked this story.  In places, it felt a bit overwritten--for
example, when Lydia confesses that she was going to ask Fred for his
lemon bar just before he was killed by Jeff, consider removing the
word "cool" and letting the actions convey the humor.  There are
several more instances of this throughout the story: places where the
author wants to let us know that these people are amusing, and does so
by adding in unnecessary verbiage.  We would advise keeping the tone
deadpan and wacky.  The ending falls a bit flat (no pun intended) as
the zombies quickly go over the cliff.  Perhaps the author could
linger a bit longer on this scene?  The ending dialogue is cute, but
not particularly successful.  As characters, Lydia and Jeff seem
underwritten; however, the callousness with which they divide up the
twice-dead Fred's CDs is a nice vivid touch.  


| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

We list in each newsletter the names of people who have given useful,
insightful reviews that have been appreciated by the authors.  After
all, that's what makes the workshop go, and we want to give great
reviewers a little well-earned recognition from the workshop
community. If you've received a review you really appreciated and
would like to the reviewer to appear in the Reviewer Honor Roll, just
e-mail the following information to
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com:

Name of the reviewer
Title of the submission reviewed and author (your name)
Any comments you have on why the review was so helpful

This month's honor roll:

Reviewers: Chris Clarke and J.M. Blumer
Submission: "A Firm Foundation" by Penelope Hardy
Authors' comments: "A couple of thorough, insightful critiques from
people who truly went above and beyond to give me detailed, specific,
wonderful help."

Reviewer:  Dorian Grey
Submission: "Paying the Piper" by Cecelia Ann Marsh
Authors' comments:  "An excellent review, both line-by-line and more
general overview.  She gave me a couple insights into potential areas
of fixing for the stories, and a better idea of what the action I was
setting up looked like to an outsider."

Reviewers: Bonnie Freeman and Sarah Prineas
Submission: RECON by Lee Masterson
Author's comments: "I would really like to thank Bonnie and Sarah for
their enthusiasm, their input and their thoughtful reviews. Both
reviewers took time out from their own busy schedules to read
and review my entire novel-length work privately via e-mail.   In both
cases, the reviews were clearly thought out, pinpointing
inconsistencies in the plot, as well as the characterizations, and
both took great care in trying to 'see' what I was aiming at. Their
contributions have been invaluable."

Reviewer: Charlie Finlay
Submission: "The Patron Saint of Zombies" by Jennifer de Guzman
Author's comments: "His critique really helped me to streamline the
story--to get rid of all the detritus that was holding it back.  He
gave me good, specific suggestions."

Reviewer: Laurie Davis
Submission: "The Patron Saint of Zombies" by Jennifer de Guzman
Author's comments:  "Her suggestions inspired me to make several
changes, including reworking the entire ending, which I feel greatly
improved the story."

| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

Congratulations to our members who have recently made sales or
garnered other honors of various sorts!

Jennifer de Guzman's story "Disquieting Muses" was published in the
May 2000 issue of the ezine _Fantasy, Folklore and Fairytales_
(http://www.fantasytoday.com).  The author notes: "I workshopped this
story, and made changes based on members' suggestions."

Heidi Wessman Kneale's story "Some Kind of Luck" took second place in
the CONduit Eric Einerson Memorial Short Story Contest in _Pulp
Audience_, September 2000, and her "The Room" will appear in the
as-yet-unnamed winter anthology from _Readers' World_ magazine later
this year.  "Some Kind of Luck," a fantasy piece, was workshopped in
the Del Rey Workshop. 

Stephen Tennant has published a fantasy short story, "Steel and
Bones," in the October issue of EOTU e-zine
(http://www.clamcity.com/eotu.html), and his first novel, BLAYDAR'S
CHILDREN, is scheduled for publication in early 2001 by Silver Lake
Publishing.  The author notes: "Although neither this novel or short
story were workshopped, the chance to see how other people approached
the craft and critiqued work, plus the process of critiquing others'
work, certainly improved my writing."

Jason Venter's novel DEFIANT LIGHT, workshopped in the Del Rey
Workshop, is now available from XLibris
(http://www.xlibris.com/JasonVenter.html).

Antonietta Wallace's first novel, THE MARK OF THE WEREWOLF by A. B.
Wallace, will be published under the America House logo, in
co-operation with Publish America, Inc., in the summer of 2001.  The
beginning of the novel was workshopped on the Del Rey Workshop earlier
this year.  The author notes: "The feedback received was valuable, not
only in picking out specific sentence structure problems but with
overall content as well.  But that which I am most grateful for is the
encouraging words I received that inspired me to continue writing no
matter what my shortcomings may be."


| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

Number of members as of 10/20: 793
Number of submissions currently online: 402

Number of submissions in September: 131
Ratio of reviews/submissions in September: 3.03
Estimated average word count per review in September: 279

Number of submissions in October to date: 255
Ratio of reviews/submissions in October to date: 3.83


| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

TIPS APPRECIATED

Got a helpful tip for your fellow members?  A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission?  Share it with us and we'll publish it in the next
newsletter.  Just send it to support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com and
we'll do the rest.

POLL: YOUR OPINION WANTED

We're considering not awarding review points unless the reviewer
contributes a critique as well as ratings.  What do you think?  Are
the ratings ever useful enough on their own to earn review points?
Let us know at support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com.

See you next month!

The Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction and Fantasy
sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com

| - - Copyright 2000 Online Writing Workshops, LLC - - - - - - - - -|

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