O | The Del Rey Digital Writing Workshop Newsletter, March 2001
W | delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!

| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

- Sponsorship Update: Partnership with Del Rey
- Workshop News:
  Recent enhancements and changes
  Special guest authors supplement the Editorial Board
  "Orphan" submissions policy
  Member directory invitation
  Reminders
- Editors' Choices for February submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll
- Contest/Market Announcements
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Feedback:
  Poll on new page numbering

| - - SPONSORSHIP UPDATE - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

Good news!  Online Writing Workshops has entered into a one-year
partnership with Del Rey Books, one of the largest and most respected
publishers of science fiction and fantasy.  For the next year (through 
March 5, 2002), membership in the workshop will be free to all.  
The workshop has been recently relaunched with a new name, the Del Rey 
Digital Writing Workshop (powered by Online Writing Workshops), and a 
bunch of enhanced features (see below for details).

Other than the change of name and the new features, the workshop will 
remain the same.  Submissions and reviews are still there.  Online 
Writing Workshops will still be running and administering the 
workshop, and our rules and policies (including those about authors' 
rights and member privacy) will still be in force.  We will not be 
adding banner ads or other intrusive advertising, and Del Rey will 
be allowed access to our mailing list for SF/F related mailings 
only once per quarter, as per our privacy policy.

We think this is a great deal--for members, for us, and for Del Rey as
well.  Thanks for your patience over these last few months as we
worked on this deal (and couldn't tell you about it).


Visit the Del Rey Books Web site for sample chapters of upcoming
books, in-depth features, author interviews, special offers, and more:
http://www.randomhouse.com/delrey

Del Rey's featured titles for March/April: 

PERDIDO STREET STATION by China Mieville

In the sprawling gothic city of New Crobuzon, a stranger has come to
request  the services of Isaac, an overweight and slightly eccentric
scientist.  But it is an impossible request--that of flight--and in
the end Isaac's attempts will only succeed in unleashing a dark force
upon the city.  Complex, grand, absorbing, and darkly haunting,
PERDIDO STREET STATION is replete with endless weird and ghoulish
places and characters--characters that include aliens, hybrids,
mythical beings, constructs, and chilling "Remades." 

Read a chapter at: http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=0345443020&view=excerpt

Read an interview with the author at:
http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=0345443020&view=qa


| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

RECENT ENHANCEMENTS AND CHANGES

Del Rey's Gallery e-book competition:

Two times a year, the authors of previous Editors' Choice chapters
will be invited to submit the first parts of their novels to the
competition for possible e-book publication by Del Rey.  Del Rey will
choose two books per competition--four per year--for contract offers,
based primarily on votes and comments from workshop members and
readers like yourself.  We are very excited about offering this chance
at publication to our members!  More details can be found at:
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/ebooks/
or by clicking the "Gallery: e-books" link in the lefthand column 
of the site.

Tips and advice section:

We've brought this back from the old Del Rey workshop.  It's a
collection of tips and advice (as you might expect) from Del Rey
authors and staff, on various topics--writing, getting your work read,
and the publishing business--and Del Rey authors will be contributing
new articles to it roughly quarterly.

Member directory expansion:

You can now add to your member-directory listing a picture of
yourself, a link to your Web site, your AOL Instant Messenger screen
name or ICQ number, and information about your sales.

Page navigation:

We've listened to your suggestions about how you want to be able to
move through the pages of submissions or pages of the directory, and
have implemented a new page-navigation system that makes it easier to
get where you want to go.  Let us know how you like it.

Default submission listing:

We've changed this from newest-first to least-reviews-first,
secondarily sorted by date.  So the top-listed submissions will be the
newest without any reviews yet; next, after all the unreviewed
submissions, the newest with only one review; and so on.  We're trying
this change in the default sort order to encourage reviews of those
submissions with no or only one review, so that everyone gets some
feedback quickly.  Your new submission will still start out at the top
of the list, but as it gets a review or two, it will gracefully give
way to the less fortunate submissions without any reviews at all.  If
you'd rather list by newest-first or by other criteria (author,
title), just use the "sort by" pull-down list in the Submission
Selector box.  And don't forget the search by author/title option.

New questions in submission and review forms:

When you submit, you can now tell readers the status of the
submission:  is it an early draft/not yet completed, a middle
draft/completed but not final, or a polished all-but-final draft/ms.
completed?  This gives reviewers a better idea of what level of
feedback you're looking for.

When you review, you are now asked, "Do you feel this piece of writing
(novel or short story) is publishable?"  Answers are: No opinion; No,
not yet; and Yes, I think so.  A "yes" answer basically means "send 
it out!" rather than "absolutely perfect!"  A "no" answer means "keep 
working on it before you send it out."  This gives authors a quick
take on the reviewer's overall opinion.

E-mail address in reviews:

Now instead of having to type in your e-mail address if you want it
included, you just check a box to say "yes, include my e-mail
address."  Less typing, fewer typos!

Statistics: 

We're now keeping track of even more workshop-usage statistics, like
number of log-ins per day and percentage of submissions with no
reviews, 1-2 reviews, and 3 or more reviews.  We plan to add more
statistics in the near future that will also help us run and improve
the workshop.  We may start adding some more of our current statistics
to the main page, along with the daily number of submissions and
reviews.  Let us know if a particular statistic would be of use to
you.

Still on the to-do list:  

--E-mail alert system for members
--Special features for subgroups within the workshop
--On your submission information, number of views will be replaced 
  with # of "viewers" (still not including the author)
--Randomly-selected zero-review submission that pops up on the main 
  submission-listing page to encourage reviewing (we'll see if we can
  work this one out fairly)

Let us know what else would make your workshop experience better--just
send us mail at support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com.

SPECIAL GUEST AUTHORS SUPPLEMENT THE EDITORIAL BOARD

From the Del Rey press release:

"The Del Rey Digital Writing Workshop will host frequent guest
editors, prominent Del Rey authors who have agreed to lend their time
and expertise to help critique new writers.  First up in the guest
editor spot is _New York Times_ bestselling writer and longtime Del
Rey author Terry Brooks. Future guest editors will include science
fiction grande dame Anne McCaffrey, Emmy Award-winning screenwriter
Michael Reaves, and Del Rey Discovery author Toni Anzetti."

Though the format of the guest editors' participation may change in
the future, for the first time out Terry Brooks will be reviewing the
March Editors' Choices and Runners Up and we'll be publishing those
reviews in the May newsletter (he's on tour and can't do the reviewing
in time for the April issue).  So the guest editor will have his own
take on things rather than throwing his recommendations into the
Editorial Board's pot.  Should be interesting (and a thrill for the
ECs/ECRUs!).

"ORPHAN" SUBMISSIONS POLICY
  
We want to make sure that the submissions we feature are fresh and
the authors are still looking for feedback, so starting later this 
month we will begin the periodic process of deleting submissions 
that have not been updated (or submitted) in the last 90 days.  
Authors of these older submissions will be notified of the scheduled 
removal in advance and will have the chance to revisit and update 
their submissions if they want them to remain in the workshop.  
  
MEMBER DIRECTORY INVITATION
  
The new member directory allows you to display a picture, your personal
homepage URL, your ICQ or AIM contact information, and more--try it 
out!  Go to the "Your Info" page and click on "Change your member info" 
at the bottom.
  
REMINDERS AND TIPS

Updating submissions:  If you want to replace a current submission
with an edited version, don't delete and resubmit--that will cost you
three review points.  Instead, use the "Edit this submission" link
that shows up when you view your own submission (no points necessary).
However, if you want your updated submission to appear at the top of
the list again--for example, if you've done some major work on it--you
can always spend the three review points and resubmit it from scratch.
Delete the previous version, but be sure to save your reviews first!

Using the "append text" form:  you need to submit your first chunk of
text via the regular submission form before you follow the link to the
"append text" form and submit the rest.


| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

The Editor's Choices are the submissions from the previous month that
show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of our
Editorial Board.  Each gets a composite review by the Board, which is
published on the site and in the newsletter.  We usually pick one
fantasy chapter or partial chapter, one SF chapter or partial chapter,
and one short story. (The volume of short stories is much less than
that of chapters, so we're not going to pick a fantasy story and an SF
story each month unless that imbalance changes. Mixed SF/F chapters
will be considered under whichever category seems to predominate in
the submission.) We also list two runners-up in each category, with 
our comments.

To view Editors' Choices on the workshop, go to the submission list
and click on "Editors' Choices" in the Submission Selector.  Six
months of ECs will be archived there, with their editorial reviews.

Our Editorial Board: 
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/editorialboard.shtml

In order to make sure that some of our most professional
members don't take too much attention away from other deserving
writers, we've decided that novels will be ineligible for EC
consideration if they have been chosen as previous ECs in any
six-month period (January-June and July-December).  Runner-ups will
not be subject to this rule.  So if a chapter of your novel has been
an EC, we won't put future chapters of it into the nomination process
for a while--but if those chapters are of EC/runner-up quality, we
will be acknowledging them briefly just to be fair.  And so:

Jennifer de Guzman's ALL WE EVER WANTED WAS EVERYTHING
Nigel Atkinson's THE TERRACOTTA SPACESHIPS
Elizabeth McGlothlin's CHANGELING
Nancy Proctor's EL'MAZAHD
Roger E. Eichorn's SWEET ALIESSE

Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors and runners 
up!

Editor's Choice, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: THE JEWELS OF AI, 
Ch. 1, by Cecil Woods

This is a generally very well-paced, nicely constructed opening
chapter, with a good hook of an opening line, enough information,
action and mystery to draw the reader in, and a roller-coaster pace
that holds the reader to the end of the excerpt.  The reader's
involvement suffers a bit from not really having a grounding in the
lives these characters are coming from and reacting to, but the author
could work in a little more detail and address more background in the
next chapter.  It reads as though pitched for a slightly younger
audience than some fantasy, and the writing is generally smooth.

The scene where Mayren finally succeeds in controlling the Uplet is
tense and exciting.  The description of Mayren contemplating his
copper-colored fingers against the cold mud, his musings about the
temperature, and the breeze that "swept across the tips of the dead
grasses, reminding him of the chill in the air" (and the fact that he
neglected to bring gloves), are all nicely handled.  The scene of the
Uplet wandering out of view is another example of the author's ability
to paint the reader a clear picture of what's taking place.  However,
the prose could use tightening in some places.  For example:  "Most of
his clothes, already covered with stains, were brand new--or had been
that morning," could be whittled down to: "His well-stained clothing
had been brand new that morning."  Also, watch out for errors with
homynyms:  "peeked" instead of "peaked," "taught" instead of "taut,"
and, similarly, "clamored" instead of "clambered."

More on background:  watch out for unfamiliar words that can get in
the way of the reader's understanding.  For example, in the phrase:
"But--Nolant, Melaine," it was unclear whether Nolant was another of
Melaine's names, an expletive, or the name of some hitherto
unmentioned person.  When we're told that "Mayren stared back at her,
his arms raised slightly in a calming gesture, his emerald green eyes
gleaming with all the splendor that inspired the name of his race," it
left us wondering what that name might be.  It's probably "Jewels,"
but this might be made clearer.  

The pursuit sequence that takes up the latter portion of the chapter
is gripping and well-told, with a sense that Mayren and his sister are
in real danger, though some of us occasionally lost touch with what
Melaine and Mayren were doing during it.  The ending left us wondering
what was going to happen next to Mayren and wanting to read more. 
Very nice!  A highly successful beginning.


Editor's Choice, SF chapter/partial chapter: WEAR WHITE TONIGHT  by
Lonnie Stanley

The editors had differing reactions to this piece.  Some were not
thrilled by the hero, and even less impressed by the company he keeps,
and found the writing choppy and tossed-off in tone; whereas some of
us found the hero to be a nicely drawn character and admired the grim
humor of the piece.  Some of the editors weren't entirely sure what's
going on in this set of chapters, but felt that it was written with
such professionalism and flowed along so easily that it kept one
reading.  All of us found that the story is well paced and filled with
action and mystery.  There are many nice examples of the author's
economical style, and the chapter displays a believable conflation of
aliens and religion.  Knowing some of the doctrines of both Islam and
Christianity, the religious discussions rang true.  Ahmad's
matter-of-fact pronouncements on religion are believable and well
crafted.  However, watch for a tendency to stereotype some of the
characters a little, such as Ahmad and the two redneck soldiers who
turned the protagonists in.  Also, the alcohol and cocaine use gets a
bit repetitive in these chapters.   

About language: the phrase "hit the bourbon" appears over and over. I
think we've all heard the phrase "hit the bottle" employed as a
euphemism for drinking, but its repeated use here quickly grows old. 
How about some good old-fashioned drinking, swigging, upending,
draining, etc.?  The slang word "lit" also gets similarly overused. 
In both cases, the author needs to be careful to keep this sort of
language confined to the characters' dialogue, where it
belongs--rather than in the narration itself.  On the other hand, the
sentence "The faintest of noises whispered behind me, like a leaf
landing on a picnic table," instantly conjures up a perfect image!  

There are nice endings to the individual chapters.  This is a
professional piece that some of the editors feel seems eminently
publishable.


Editor's Choice, short story: UNDER THE SKIN by Steven Bratman

We thought that this was a fantastic and very original piece of
science fiction. The writing was professional and clean, the take on
body modifications as social art both pertinent and fresh, and the
cast of characters fully fleshed out and strangely sympathetic (or
perhaps we mean sympathetically strange). The descriptions of Cary's
horns, his body fungus, and later permutations are vivid, convincing,
and even attractive--he's just not your typical boy next door. One
editor writes that perhaps "the story would be more effective if the
neighborhood's acceptance of the bodyartist was shown a bit more,
rather than happening between scenes." Another editor would like a bit
more description of Cary's mouse cage--"How did it interface with his
flesh? Was it a metal cage with bars or a plastic one? How did the
mice breathe? What happened to their droppings? More detail!" 

Since Scott, the viewpoint character, is a doctor, he should be able
to look with a clinical and professional eye at Cary's modifications,
and readers should benefit from the details he notes.  Scott's
reactions to Cary seem to flip-flop between calm, rational acceptance
of the bizarre, and feeling that Cary is sick. We need a little more
insight into Scott's character, to see how and why he moves back and
forth between these two very different opinions.  And perhaps a little
more physical description would serve the plot well: what does he
think of his body?   Again, at the end of the story, Scott's reaction
to Caitlin's modifications seems convenient for reasons of story arc
rather than being an organic, character-grounded reaction. We need to
be a little more inside him, to feel the same way that he feels when
he sees his daughter's carved breasts, her glowing skin. 

One editor writes, "The story seems to waver uncertainly between being
a slightly wacky recounting of increasingly strange body modifications
that features assorted offbeat characters and a dark tale of mounting
horror. The author needs to decide what he wants to accomplish with
this interesting theme." We'll wait to see this story in print--try
_Asimov's_, _F&SF_, or _Terra Incognita_.


Runner Up, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: ELEMENTAL MAGICK by 
Sarah Prineas

This feels pretty substantial, even though it's a first draft.  Well
written, very smooth, and moves right along; some of the editors felt
that they learned just enough about setting and plot in this chapter
to give some grounding but leave them wanting more.  The opening was
intriguing enough with the dazed awakening among the cobblestones and
the horse shit, but would still have been intriguing without the pool
of cold vomit (not his own).  Ratcheting up the gross-out factor seems
to serve little purpose here.  The plot details are building well;
they keep us wanting to turn the pages. Character development might be
a little uneven--we get enough about O'Brien for the current purposes,
we learn a lot about Fielding through the pub flashback scene, but we
don't get to know too much more about David as the chapter unfolds. We
know his recent past, but not how he's reacted to it.  Was he hopeful
until yesterday, or just stubborn, or beginning to despair? And if
Miss Fielding is going to play a real role, we need a bit more meat on
her character's bones from the very beginning.

The magical system seems like a neat idea and it feels as though the
author is thinking through the alternate London that results. 
However, some editors found the treatment of the magic a bit uneven. 
Parts read as if set in a universe where magic is a mysterious
phenomenon to be regarded with suspicion and awe.  But when we're
casually told that David had been forced to accumulate element during
storms and sell it to the scientists, it's reduced to the level of a
rather mundane commodity, sort of like donating blood.  The author has
treated this subject in different ways in her previous short-story
ECs, "From the Journals of Professor Copernicus Finch, M.S., Hex. D."
and "Water, Green River, Daybreak." In the former, the magick is
played largely for laughs; in the latter it's a much more serious and
ominous force.  This chapter seems to seesaw back and forth between
those two treatments.  One small thing: the spelling of the word
"magick" is a trope of the genre that has been overused enough to be
irritating.  And also, the reader should soon learn how people know at
a touch that David is a reservoir.

Overall, the writing is professional and polished, with  interesting
and well-drawn characters, though some editors found David not to be a
very sympathetic character yet.  Some fleshing out still needs to be
done;  one thing that kept jarring was the way that David's physical
condition seemed unaddressed.  It's established early on that David is
wearing no shoes.  Wouldn't that make his act of shoving his foot into
Sir John's doorway to block the "rapidly closing door" an extremely
painful experience?  He's also poorly clad, cold, walking barefoot,
and hasn't eaten for two days.  His discomfort would be bad enough
that he'd be close to fainting with hunger and cold.  It's mentioned
from time to time, but it'd be uppermost in David's mind.  When he's
allowed to enter a room, it'll be all he can do to keep from moving
towards the fire.  And he'll be distracted and ill with hunger.  When
the woman orders food for him, that's all he'll be able to concentrate
on.  Yet when the butler returns, there's no mention of the food or
David's anticipation of it.  When Sir John decides they need to leave
right away for the theatre, how does David react to the notion that he
has to go out again unshod and he may not get to eat after all? 
Finally, the exchange between David and O'Brien about Sir John's
blindness seems off. Does David think it's wrong to ask to see someone
simply because the other person can't see him back?  This makes David
seem like a bit of a dim bulb.  Overall, though, mostly minor quibbles
on a very well done draft!


Runner Up, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: THE QIMANCER by Jerry Tran

Fresh protagonist and setting, though this chapter feels more like a
Sam Spade clone than a fantasy so far, which might mean it won't grab
the right readers quickly enough.  Where does Feng Shui, even with
intuitive powers overlaid, pass into the truly fantastic realm?  Some
of the editors felt that nothing much happened in this chapter--we
need a stronger hook to keep us reading.  Be careful, even while
describing the fantastical rules of the geomancy, not to do so in
large lumps.  Space the description throughout the novel rather than
trying to put it all up front.   Some of the editors found the
protagonist unsympathetic, because he looks down on his clients but
takes their money anyway.  The author might need to work harder to
clarify the power positions of the character and his clients; there
are issues of economics, race, and culture that could complicate the
client/service-provider relationship in interesting ways.

About the current title: it might not be a great idea to choose a word
many people may have difficulty pronouncing.  It doesn't help a story
if the reader is frustrated before he/she gets to the first sentence. 
Perhaps a different spelling?  And about the first sentence: "Oh damn"
hardly qualifies as an outburst, though that's how the narrator
characterizes it.  

The writing is generally fine but the author could pay more attention
to little details like quotation marks, missing commas, and
hyphenation.  The tense constantly switches back and forth between
past and present, and there are too many single-sentence paragraphs. 
Redundancies need to be weeded out--for example, "Julie Weatherfield
came from a rich, well to do family."  Overall this was an interesting
and fresh take on a magical system, with an intriguing mystery
established in the opening excerpt.


Runner Up, science fiction chapter/partial chapter:  DISCOVERED 
COUNTRY; OR, THE ADVENTURES OF ROSEMARY THE LIBRARIAN by Nora Fleischer

Despite jumping in at Chapter 32, most of us found this readable and
weren't too lost vis a vis background and setting--perhaps because
most of the chapter was a flashback to before the book begins.  The
writing on a line-by-line level has no major flaws that slow down the
reader.  The author expressed concern that this excerpt could be read
as a lapse in taste, but it didn't seem so to us.  But then, taste is
an individual thing.  You'll never please (or shock) everyone
simultaneously.  

This section was enjoyable reading and the complexities of Jack's
personality were intriguing.  The setting was interesting and so were
the details about ghoulish life, too.  Is it only human flesh that
will sustain them?  The synopsis of the earlier parts was confusing;
it was difficult to tell the characters apart and the thread about
travelling forward into the future seemed superfluous.  But it might
not be so when read with the earlier segments, so take that advice
with a grain of salt.  The chapter doesn't ramble, but it does give a
strong sense of Jack being your protagonist.  Perhaps if you've never
been able to trim this chapter, it's because it's the strong kernel of
your novel?

 
Runner Up, science fiction chapter/partial chapter: THE FLAWED PROPHETS 
by Afifah Myrah Muffaz

The writing quality is high here but it's hard to judge background,
setting, and plot.  Line-level details are well done--the fabric
holding up Angel, the chocolates.  The sex scene is more explicit than
is usual in SF & F, which could be a disadvantage with a publisher. 
Likely it might appeal to a very particular market, such as Circlet
Press, which publishes SF erotica.  From the plot synopsis, this seems
to jump around from character to character, which often frustrates the
reader if not handled correctly.  Even if different characters are the
focus of each chapter, the reader should have a sense of how their
separate stories interlace and perhaps how their tangential story
lines will eventually meet.  Though this is described as SF/F, it
feels more like some sort of fantasy in tone and topic (at least this
chapter).  

Some of the editors found this a fascinating piece; the attention to
detail, the description of the microcosm of a world, the culture of
being a courtesan in this world.  We were glad that the woman who's at
first depicted as being disgusting because she's large and old ends up
being desirable. After the opening quote from the Companion Handbook,
this piece hits the reader right away with its unusual stylistic
quirks: "The hall lazed thickly with its lining of women."  This works
part of the time and is evocative and vivid, dazzling us with ornate
phrases and unexpected juxtapositions.  Other times it falls flat on
its face: "Plumes were in this season, flaring upwards from tiaras
with all the vibrancy of bank vaults." Huh?  In what possible way are
these plumes like bank vaults? And why use the word vibrancy?  Or are
we missing the sarcasm here?

Often in this excerpt, the reader has to chop a path through layers
and layers of lush images.  The word pictures are sometimes quite
gorgeous, but more often the meaning of the sentence suffers because
of the overdone language.  In the sex scene, not only was the odd word
choice making it difficult to picture; the description of
what-went-where was vague too.  Often we couldn't imagine what
positions the two women were in, or what they were doing. That's a
difficulty with writing sex scenes--describing the choreography. It's
almost working; it's a pretty hot sex scene.  

The word "godcent" is a good one.  When the Dust sisters are
introduced, they're described as "Three women, all close in features,
but markedly different in every other way" yet the next few sentences
describe them as being nearly identical.  Where are those differences?
 
There's an interesting story in all this rich lather, and to show it
off the author needs to focus more on the mechanics of writing and pay
added attention to language, grammar, punctuation, and point of view
before she allows herself to wax so eloquent. Runner Up, short story:


Runner Up, short story: THE MARVELOUS INDIGENOUS HEALER, PT. 1 by 
Julian Lim

This was a lovely, lyrical piece of a novella in the style of Ursula
Le Guin or Eleanor Arnason. Parts two and three are currently posted,
and we recommend reading them. The background and history of the
Kashka Baibo were complex without being confusing, satisfyingly rich
and not at all distracting. We also very much liked the narrative
voice that managed to encompass both the old and dying (and much
wiser) narrator and his much more callous, complacent, younger self.
To quote the submission itself, "the moon is one and the same--when
she is full and round, when she is a wan crescent high in the night
sky." 

The style of the language is beautiful and striking and even
occasionally funny, as when Zhu remarks that a set of words can "mean
everything and nothing: good morning, or I'm startled, or I'm sorry
your goat died." Several editors felt that the title seemed odd or had
the wrong tone, but the later sections seem to explain it. The
description of Zhu and Lisha's wedding is wonderful, and so is Zhu's
remark that it is his "second great success," to become "a man and a
husband." A little later, when Zhu sees the wise woman after he has
been "entertaining the village's children by chopping off a chicken's
head, reattaching it with...magic, and bringing the chicken back to
life," we can see that he is flushed with his own success and headed
for some kind of great fall. One caution: tone is extremely important
to this piece, and even one word like "yonder" can make a reader
stumble. But for the most part, this story doesn't even need a polish.
Send it out, and good luck!


Runner Up, short story: CHRISTMAS STORY by Kyri Freeman

This was a well-written and interesting submission, although we did
not find it to be, as the author had stated, either "cynical" or
"dark." Instead it just seemed extremely subtle--as one editor said,
"out there on the edge of fantasy." One editor was reminded of
Patricia Anthony's gorgeous WWI novel, FLANDERS. Something happens,
but immediately after it does, even the viewpoint character has begun
to rewrite the event, to make it less magical.  The details about life
in the trenches and the abbreviated, staccato dialogue were both, for
the most part, convincing, and it seems easy to believe that men in
war would be living (and dying) somewhere along the borders that
separate the mundane everyday world from the fantastical--no-man's
land. The tiny glimpse we get of Tribulation's home, with "mist coming
up from the valley, the shade of chestnut trees, sound of a million
streams, track of a bobcat in deep forest loam" is wonderful: give us
a bit more, so that we can really experience what he gives up for a
meal for his men. 

In some ways, this felt more like a character study, or the opening
chapter of a novel--it's easy to suspect that Tribulation and his men
will encounter more strangeness and more hardships, and that this is
merely the beginning of an American Civil-War odyssey. The woman with
the sutler wagon is perhaps a bit too mysterious--she verges on
cliche, although the description of her smile as "lovely and unkind"
is very nice. 

A few nitpicks: one editor wonders whether the phrase "Fuck that" was
in casual usage in 1864; it sounded somewhat anachronistic in this
story.  Also, while the narrator doesn't want to have to shoot a
friend in the back as a deserter, "he had done it before." But a
little later, Tribulation thinks of his group of men that "none had
yet deserted." Resolve these and a few subtle details of character and
background, and the story will ring true throughout.


| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

We list in each newsletter the names of people who have given useful,
insightful reviews that have been appreciated by the authors.  After
all, that's what makes the workshop go, and we want to give great
reviewers a little well-earned recognition from the workshop
community. If you've received a review you really appreciated and
would like to the reviewer to appear in the Reviewer Honor Roll, just
use our online honor-roll nomination form at 
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml or e-mail 
support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com the following information:

Name of the reviewer
Title of the submission reviewed and author (your name)
Any comments you have on why the review was so helpful

This month's honor roll:

Reviewer: Jesse White
Submission: "Diamond Hope" (Revised) by Rene Claveau
Author's comments: "Jesse has proven very helpful in the development
of this story.  Not only has he given helpful advice in his reviews,
but also through e-mail.  He reviewed both my early draft and my
revised version and told me what he felt worked and what didn't.  And
he has even come to my defense concerning the reviews of others.  Most
of all, though, some of his ideas and suggestions had a significant
effect on my story and I gladly incorporated them.  I feel that his
advice more than any others has helped me make this story a much
stronger, solider piece of work.  Thanks, Jesse!"

Reviewer: Melissa Siah
Submission: BLOOD FROM A STONE by Carolyn Scott
Author's comments: "Melissa's critique of my first chapter was
thorough but never condescending.  After some encouragement and
praise, she then detailed in very precise prose any issues she had
found (and there were many) offering suggestions and alternatives.  I
took on board about 90% of her comments and I know my words flow
better now."

Reviewers: Melinda Kimberly, Jennifer MacMillan, Joshua Palmatier, 
Kishma Danielle, and Pen Hardy
Submission: EXILED EMPRESS, Chapter 8 by Larry West
Author's comments: "Melinda, Jennifer, and Joshua reminded me that
miracles should be miracles even, and perhaps especially, in a magical
world.  Kishma Danielle inspired me to go back and add to Chapter 7,
solving yet another basic problem in my novel.  And Pen pointed out my
flawed description of the Elven Ship and offered several other
suggestions that influenced the wholesale revision of Chapter 8."

Reviewer: Marsha Sisolak
Submission: GHETTO, Pt 6, "Cosmic Games," by Tony Beyer
Author's comments: "Usually the Nits are nothing but human grammar
check, but Marsha really bit into the writing. A problem I've had with
this story is believability, and Marsha told me what's real and what's
not, a very difficult thing to do. The review was calculated, lengthy,
and she spent a considerable amount of time studying the piece before
commenting. It is obvious she's really trying to help, but more
importantly, she's doing a damn good job."

Reviewer: Catherine G. Murphy
Submission: THE QUEEN OF MIRIDA by Lisa Clardy
Author's comments: "With every chapter she reviews, Cath asks a
million questions and offers suggestions on details that never (I'm
ashamed to admit) seem to occur to me.  Because of her insight and
apparently boundless curiosity, I think the revised versions of my
chapters will be much more vivid, rich in detail and more involving
for the reader.  Thanks, Cath!"

Reviewer: Bonnie Freeman
Submission: WORD OF GOD, Chapters 1 to 4, by Wing_Keong Loke
Author's comments: "I'm nominating her because of the amazing speed of
her reviews, the fact that she is able to review the stuff from the
author's perspective which is a very difficult position to assume with
my subs as even I am bored with it. While many say how difficult
it is to read my stuff, with some (appropriately, I feel) wanting to
give up, Bonnie has been able not only to like the stuff but to go
into detail re-grammaring the mistakes."

Reviewer:  Lin Cochran
Submission:  Argh ! The  Barbarian In: "The Ruptured Desert" by 
Mark R. Knight
Author's comments: "Lin went far beyond the call of duty, and I
appreciated it.  I just may get it published because of her.  Thanks
again!"

Reviewer: Melinda Kimberly
Submission: WORD OF GOD, Chapters 1, 3 and 4 by Wing_Keong Loke
Author's comments: "For being such a speed demon in reviewing 3 very
difficult reads.  Second, for doing a very close read and making
observations which I feel will be very helpful in revising where
others have given up or are confused.  Considering i was playing
around with mixing literary style with philosophical essays, a fantasy
background, and doing it in a sci-fi-like fashion, it's a credit to
her and anyone who can wade through it quickly and with a close,
critical eye when even it puts me to sleep at times! ; )"

Reviewer: Randy Tanner
Submission: SPEAR OF THE GODDESS by Sally Whitfield
Author's comments: "Randy actually pointed out things that I missed 
in re-read after re-read. Secondly, it was professional in its
critique, marking literary faux pas (overwriting--my biggest sin!). Also,
Randy was not apologetic when he made a criticism. His comments were
constructive and valid, and hence there was no need to suffix a statement with
"...but I thought it was brilliant anyway," which I see a lot of in this
forum.  I am very grateful to Randy for having read the my work, also
due to the fact that his critique came a little later than most of the
others and hence, SPEAR was way down the list at this time."

Reviewer: Deanna Hoak 
Submission: WORD OF GOD: Demons Attack by Wing_Keong Loke 
Author's comments: "Deanna gave me a very in-depth grammar crit that
also raised good questions about plotting.  If she's an example of a
grammar nazi, then I'm a masochist, because I absolutely loved it! 
Her review is an example of what people have talked in the list about
getting a few good crits over a larger number of crits."

Reviewer: Pen Hardy 
Submission: "Rhapsody," Chapter 12 of IMPROMPTU, by Melinda Kimberly 
Author's comments: "Why was Pen's review so helpful?  Well, because
the first time I posted this she had the guts to tell me it didn't
work, and she was right.  Every one of the five reviewers who saw the
first draft of this chapter were politic and hinted that it needed
help, but Pen zeroed in on the problem.  As a result, I yanked the
submission (much to the bemusement and annoyance
of my peers) and rewrote whole sections, axing about 80% of the
original dialogue in favor of a more complete opening scene.  As
current reactions prove, the rewrite did wonders to make this section
of the story work as well as I'd wanted.  I'm grateful to anyone who
will not only tell me something doesn't work, but who will also offer
specific suggestions on what doesn't work and how to fix it. 
Fortunately, Pen is one of the ones who will do so.  Thanks, Pen!"

Reviewers: Bob Sinclair and Joshua Palmatier 
Submission: STARFALL, Ch. 9, 2nd Half by Bonnie Freeman 
Author's comments: "Bob and Joshua pointed out one-dimensionality and
inconsistencies exhibited by my characters in this chapter.  Bob
followed up with further suggestions in our e-mail correspondence. 
Thanks to their insights, I'll be able to rewrite this chapter with
much stronger characterization."

Reviewer: M. T.  Reiten 
Submission: EXISTENCE by Jeff Stanley 
Author's comments: "M.T. (Matt) has been an absolutely amazing 
critiquer throughout the development of EXISTENCE.  Without his input,
it would be a vastly different piece of writing.  He's followed its
development since the beginning, faithfully poking holes in my
ill-logic, pointing out areas which could be expanded, suggesting
others which would serve the novel better if they were deleted or
changed whole cloth.  He has followed me for 15+ chapters, and added
to the depth and breadth of them all.  If this monster is ever
published, I'll obviously have to give him an acknowledgement.  Matt
is what good 'critters' should be--consistent, honest, thorough.  He
points out 'nits,' but far more effective and appreciated are his
insights into what works and what doesn't, what themes are best
ditched and which should be explored more thoroughly.  THANKS, MATT!!


| - - CONTEST/MARKET ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

Glen Eira Literary Awards 2001:  Deadline March 23.  
Mostly short stories; cash prizes; entries from Australian writers 
only.  More info: http://www.gleneira.vic.gov.au/literary/default.htm

The William Faulkner Creative Writing Competition:  Deadline April 1.  
Categories include novel, novel-in-progress, and high-school short 
story.  Pretty generous cash prizes; entry fees required.  
For more: http://www.wordsandmusic.org/creative.html

The Santa Fe Writers' Project 2001 prose/nonfiction contest:  $2500 
Grand Prize, $30 entry fee.  See their Web site for guidelines and 
overview: http://www.sfwritersproject.com/Contest/index.php3

_Rogue Worlds_, http://www.specficworld.com, is an online SF/F/Horror
magazine that's due to launch its debut issue on April 15th. Editor 
is looking for SF, F, and horror in all styles, sub-genres, mixes, 
and viewpoints, between 1,000 words and 10,000 words. Also accepts 
genre poetry. Editor:  Doyle Eldon Wilmoth, Jr, 
specficworld@hotmail.com.  Guidelines available from 
http://www.specficworld.com/guide.html 

_Waking Muses_, a new literary speculative fiction magazine for both
the Internet and hard copies, is looking for fiction of any length 
with some kind of tie with any kind of SF, fantasy, horror, 
occult, or speculative subgenres.  E-mail submissions in RTF 
attachments or ASCII, or send disks or hard copies: 
wakingmuse2001@yahoo.com or Heather Lewis, 104 E. Mason St. #312
Milwaukee, WI 53202.  Queries to the above e-mail address as well.


| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

First, a _non_-publication announcement:

For amusement, visit www.rejectioncollection.com, "the writer's and
artist's on-line source for misery, commiseration and inspiration.  
Postings are anonymous, laughs and catharsis are free."  This site 
is maintained by Cathy Wald, an author who's racked up a lot of 
rejections.  

Congratulations to our members who have recently made sales or
garnered other honors of various sorts!

Keri Arthur has signed a five-book deal with Imajinn as a follow-up to
her first novel, DANCE WITH THE DEVIL. The five books are: HEARTS IN
DARKNESS, JUST GIVE ME THE NIGHT, FIVE POINTS TO DEATH, and two
untitled sequels. All are paranormal romances. The first few chapters
of "Five Points to Death" were workshopped last fall.

Chris Clarke sold short story "The Corruption of Sebastian Menard" to
adult Webzine 1000 Delights (http://1000delights.com).  Originally
titled "Her Slim, Rotten Adept," it was an answer to the challenge (on
the old Del Rey workshop list) to write and publish a story whose
title was an anagram of fellow member Meredith L. Patterson.

Jennifer de Guzman's story "Underground" has been accepted by Strange
Horizons (http://www.strangehorizons.com). She workshopped it a few
months ago as "Overground," and writes "I got some very helpful
suggestions that I'm sure made it a publishable story."

Charles Coleman Finlay's short short "The Frontier Archipelago" has
been accepted by _On Spec_, and his story "For Want of a Nail" has
been sold to _The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction_. He
workshopped rough drafts of both stories and says: "The reviews helped
me expand one story, tighten the other, and increase the focus on
character change in both."

A.M. Muffaz has three poems published this month in the spec-fic 'zine
Gothic.Net (http://www.gothic.net): "Two Assassins," "A Woman's Worth
In Tears" and "Taking Pictures."  Gothic.Net has previously published
a short story excerpted from her novel-in-progress, THE FLAWED
PROPHETS.

Steve Nagy sold workshopped short story "Sorrow Fruit" to MAIDEN,
MOTHER, CRONE: THREE FACES OF THE GODDESS, which will be published as
an e-anthology this summer by Abby the Troll Publications.

Meredith L. Patterson's story "Ant Farm" appears currently in
Jackhammer E-zine (http://www.eggplant-productions.com/jackhammer/),
while her story "Homunculus" is being reprinted in the BEST OF
JACKHAMMER anthology, which goes on sale at the beginning of April.
She writes: "'Homunculus' was actually the very first story I ever
workshopped on the original DROWW, and I was gawdawful nervous about
doing so because it wasn't 'traditional' SF or fantasy. As it turned
out, the reviews I got were more useful than the ones I received in
the college writing workshop I'd written the story for in the first
place." 

Lisa Swanstrom's story "The Tale of the Crimson Madder" can be found
in the 2001 issue of MOXIE Magazine--on sale at Barnes and Noble and
Borders bookstores (http://www.moxiemag.com).  This story was reviewed
in the original Del Rey workshop under the title "My PMS."  Lisa says,
"The comments I received from the workshop were extremely helpful--so
thanks to everybody who reviewed it!"

| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

Number of members as of 3/21: 2652
Number of submissions currently online: 1416 

Number of submissions in February: 534
Number of reviews in February: 2380
Ratio of reviews/submissions in February: 4.46
Estimated average word count per review in February: 408

Number of submissions in March to date: 551
Number of reviews in March to date: 2274
Ratio of reviews/submissions in March to date: 4.13
Estimated average word count per review in March to date: 383


| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

POLL: YOUR OPINION WANTED

How do you like our new page-numbering system for submission and 
member-directory listings?  It's a little more flexible than "next" 
and "previous"...does it come in handy?  Could it be improved?  
Let us know in the next few weeks at 
support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com.


TIPS APPRECIATED

Got a helpful tip for your fellow members?  A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission?  Or a writing tip? Share it with us and if we agree it's 
useful we'll publish it in the next newsletter.  Just send it to 
support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com and we'll do the rest.

See you next month!

The Del Rey Digital Writing Workshop for Science Fiction and Fantasy
delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com

| - - Copyright 2001 Online Writing Workshops, LLC - - - - - - - - -|

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