O | The Del Rey Digital Writing Workshop Newsletter, April 2001
W | delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!

| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

- Workshop Partner Information
- Workshop News:
  Author Nalo Hopkinson joins OWW and Editorial Board
  Reviewer prizes
  Current guest author for Editorial Board
  "Orphan" submissions policy
  Reminders
- Editors' Choices for March submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Feedback:
  Poll on extra point for first reviews
  Tips from fellow workshoppers
  
| - - WORKSHOP PARTNER INFORMATION - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  - |

Online Writing Workshops's partnership with Del Rey Books continues
through March 5, 2002, making membership in the workshop free to all. 
Visit the Del Rey Books Web site for sample chapters of upcoming
books, in-depth features, author interviews, special offers, and more:
http://www.randomhouse.com/delrey

Del Rey's featured titles for April/May: 

THE SKIES OF PERN by Anne McCaffrey

It is a time of hope and regret, of endings and beginnings. The Red
Star, that celestial curse whose eccentric orbit was responsible for
Thread, has been shifted to a harmless orbit, and the current
Threadfall will be the last. Technological marvels are changing the
face of life on Pern. And the dragonriders, led by F'lessan, son of
F'lar and Lessa and rider of bronze Golanth, and Tia, rider of green
Zaranth, must forge a new place for themselves in a world that may no
longer need them. But there are those who will stop at nothing to keep
Pern and its people pure. And now a brand-new danger looms from the
skies . . . and threatens a catastrophe of unimaginable proportions. 

Read a chapter at: 
http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=0345434684&view=excerpt

Del Rey's e-book edition:  
http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=0345447131

Enter the sweepstakes at http://www.peanutpress.com/p5379 for a chance
to win a Palm IIIc pre-loaded with a copy of THE SKIES OF PERN in 
Palm Reader e-book format.  Or read THE SKIES OF PERN extended excerpt 
from Del Rey and Digital Goods: 
http://commerce.softlock.com/servlet/Blaster/48177/9661/TheSkiesofPern.pdf?A=*****-&D=***BJw


| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

AUTHOR NALO HOPKINSON JOINS OWW AND EDITORIAL BOARD

Nalo Hopkinson, award-winning SF/F author and writing instructor, has
joined the Online Writing Workshops staff as our second Editors'
Choice administrator (working with author Kelly Link).  She will be
selecting Editors' Choice nominees each month for the Editorial Board
to make final selections among, and will be contributing her talents
to the Editorial Board's reviews as well.  A bit about her:

The daughter of a poet and a library technician, Nalo feels that she
had no other choice but to become a writer herself.  She attended
Clarion East in 1995.  Warner Books decided to make her a novelist in
1997; they awarded her the Warner Aspect First Novel contest and
published her book BROWN GIRL IN THE RING, which went on to win the
Locus First Novel Award.  Her second novel, MIDNIGHT ROBBER, is on the
final ballot for the Philip K. Dick Award and the Nebula Award.  She's
a John W. Campbell winner for Best New Writer.  She's also the editor
of WHISPERS FROM THE COTTON TREE ROOT: CARIBBEAN FABULIST FICTION. 
SKIN FOLK, a collection of her short stories, will be published in
December 2001, and she's currently working on a third novel,
GRIFFONNE.

Nalo has worked as a writing instructor for Writers In Electronic
Residence (WIER) and in 2001 will be teaching writing at the Clarion
West Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers' Workshop and at the
University of Toronto in Canada, where she lives.  Welcome, Nalo!

REWARDING OUTSTANDING REVIEWERS

Virtue is its own reward, we know, but--since reviews make the
workshop work--we want to officially recognize and celebrate the
workshop's most dedicated and/or appreciated reviewers.  So we're
going to start awarding signed copies of workshoppers' published books
to one reviewer or more per month and announcing the lucky reviewer
here in the newsletter.  For this month's special reviewer, see the
Review Honor Roll section below.

CURRENT GUEST AUTHOR FOR EDITORIAL BOARD

_New York Times_ bestselling writer and longtime Del Rey author Terry
Brooks is reviewing the March Editors' Choices and Runners Up and
we'll be publishing those reviews in the May newsletter (he's on tour
and couldn't do the reviewing in time for this issue).  

"ORPHAN" SUBMISSIONS POLICY
  
We want to make sure that the submissions we feature are fresh and
the authors are still looking for feedback, so we delete submissions 
that have not been updated (or submitted) in the last 90 days.  
Authors of these older submissions are notified of the scheduled 
removal in advance and have the chance to revisit and update 
their submissions if they want them to remain in the workshop.  
    
REMINDERS

Adding your picture to the member directory:  your picture must be
stored on a different Web server.  Make sure that server allows access
from other servers--some don't.  Your picture URL must start with
"http://", the URL is case-sensitive (e.g., don't use uppercase if the
file is named in lowercase) and it must be no bigger than 200 x 200 
pixels.

Reviewing: Reviewers, remember to try to avoid rewriting others'
submissions! When you critique, it's always more helpful to point 
out the flaws than to try to fix them (a rule I always followed in 
my editorial career as well--EKHB).  Suggestions for types of fixes 
are fine, but actually rewriting is usually not helpful to the 
authors, who will need to use their own words, not yours!

Updating submissions:  If you want to replace a current submission
with an edited version, don't delete and resubmit--that will cost you
three review points.  Instead, use the "Edit this submission" link
that shows up when you view your own submission (no points necessary).
However, if you want your updated submission to appear at the top of
the list again--for example, if you've done some major work on it--you
can always spend the three review points and resubmit it from scratch.
Delete the previous version, but be sure to save your reviews first!

Using the "append text" form:  you need to submit your first chunk of
text via the regular submission form before you follow the link to the
"append text" form and submit the rest.


| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

The Editor's Choices are the submissions from the previous month that
show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of our
Editorial Board.  Each gets a composite review by the Board, which is
published on the site and in the newsletter.  We usually pick one
fantasy chapter or partial chapter, one SF chapter or partial chapter,
and one short story. (The volume of short stories is much less than
that of chapters, so we're not going to pick a fantasy story and an SF
story each month unless that imbalance changes. Mixed SF/F chapters
will be considered under whichever category seems to predominate in
the submission.) We also list two runners-up in each category, with 
our comments.

To view Editors' Choices on the workshop, go to the submission list
and click on "Editors' Choices" in the Submission Selector.  Six
months of ECs will be archived there, with their editorial reviews.

Our Editorial Board: 
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/editorialboard.shtml

In order to make sure that some of our most professional
members don't take too much attention away from other deserving
writers, we've decided that novels will be ineligible for EC
consideration if they have been chosen as previous ECs in any
six-month period (January-June and July-December).  Runner-ups will
not be subject to this rule.  So if a chapter of your novel has been
an EC, we won't put future chapters of it into the nomination process
for a while--but if those chapters are of EC/runner-up quality, we
will be acknowledging them briefly just to be fair.  And so:


Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors and runners 
up!

Editor's Choice, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: DARKSIDE 2, Chapter 2, 
by S.K.S. Perry

Even those of us who weren't drawn in by the story felt that it was
one of the strongest of this month's fantasy submissions. It's an
interesting concept, and although it's been done on some levels
before, this seems to have a new comical twist. One editor said, "I
could definitely read more by this author. My suggestions to the
author would be to watch the tendency to get cheesy. Also, it would be
a much stronger piece if it was a bit more philosophical or
thought-provoking."  Another said, "The matter-of-fact bizarreness of
DARKSIDE cracked me up. I found the writing confident and very
accessible."

The beginning is a nice hook--the philosophizing about police stations
in general and this one in particular draws readers in and makes them
wonder why the narrator feels the way he does. And the final line, "I
met a dead girl in school today," is a good way to revive interest in
the story, since the chapter has begun to flag.  References to Spock's
eyebrow and the X-Files, although fun, give a fan-fiction feeling
rather than a professional one, and mean that the story will get dated
very quickly. One editor felt that the dialogue did not flow, that it
suffered from trying to sound too real.

There's an interesting juxtaposition of Greg's real concern for the
narrator and the banter of the wisecracking ghosts hovering over his
shoulder. The wisecracks are a bit broad in several places, however,
making this read more like an episode of "The Munsters" (actually
evoked a few pages later!) than the humorous action/adventure the
author tells us he's striving for: "'Where are you going, you old
fool?' Dad hollered after Grandpa had vanished. 'You can't eat; you're
dead. Hell, you had to gum things when you were still alive.'"  The
author should ease up a bit in his characterizations, too. For
example, the narrator chides Leanne for her use of magic to send a
message home and pulls out his cell phone: "'What fun is that?' she
said, as if actually phoning someone was the most absurd idea she'd
ever heard."  This is too much. It would be more punchy to stop after
"she said."

About the logic of the story:  The protagonist says, "After all, I'm
dead. I don't even really have blood unless I consciously decide to." 
Even a fantasy story needs to have plausible logic behind it, and this
isn't quite holding together.  If he's dead, how can he "decide" to
have blood some times and not others?  And why would a vampire want to
feed on whatever is in a living dead person's veins?  Isn't it living
blood that sustains a vampire?  For her, his blood would be like
eating a piece of cardboard painted to look like a steak.  It also
brings up the question of what exactly is in his veins; what sustains
him?  Later, he says, "I don't need to eat anymore; I just really like
to."  This raises more biology questions.  Though he doesn't need to
eat, he has the capacity to digest and eliminate food?  How does that
work?  What's the biology of a dead person?  Perhaps you don't want
your readers to start thinking too closely about that.  Also, the
vampire thinks, "a pint here or there never hurt anyone."  But a pint
is one-sixth of the total blood in a person's body, and many people
feel it if that much is lost at once.  And a pint is a lot of blood to
drink, too; it's a pretty calorie-rich substance.  So if the author
chose to, it'd be easy justify Leanne only needing a few ounces every
few hours.

Overall, a fun read that would benefit from some tightening and a bit
more work on background logic.


Editor's Choice, SF chapter/partial chapter: SHIP, COLONY, PLANET, 
HOME, Ch. 8, by Sean O'Brien

The writing style in this segment has improved from previous chapters,
although it's written in a point of view that shifts back and forth
between characters' heads in a very distracting manner. The dialogue
is more believable than it has been in previous chapters. Some of us
found the the writing compelling and the voice solid.  Yallia is
appealing and this section does a good job of showing in few words how
a small child might begin to understand that she is the victim of
prejudice.  Most of the characters feel quite well developed, and the
tensions/ties between them convincing, but watch out for making the
villains too villainous; it makes them into caricatures rather than
characters. 

One instance of two-dimensional characterization: "Yes," he thought,
"this Yallia Verdafner, granddaughter of Jene Halfner who has done so
much damage to this colony by her arrival and poisonous influence on
our way of life, will breed a new race of humans who will live outside
the Domes where their subhuman genes will no longer pollute ours."
This grand pronouncement doesn't ring true, and it especially jars at
the word "subhuman."  It all gives Dann's statement the feel of
Saturday morning cartoon supervillain speeches.

On the other hand there's this bit: "Yallia had not added sugar to the
water; she had added salt. He coughed and spluttered while Yallia
laughed at his antics."  Nicely done.  It effectively flips something
whimsical--a child adding sugar to her water--into something that
begins to be a little bit scary.

The title has a nice ring to it, but doesn't really convey much in the
way of meaning.  And it tempts one to keep looking for some kind of
progression in the way that the words are ordered, but there doesn't
seem to be any there.

One editor said that the fire-spitting was reminiscent of Linda Blair
in "The Exorcist" and felt that it was too implausible, but one found
the scenes of the fire and its aftermath effective and horrifying in
detail. 

Use an extra space and/or a hash mark (#) to signal the passage of
time and changes of location.

"Some exciting scenes marred by awkward writing," said one of our
editors--smooth out the writing and give the excitement more room to
take hold.


Editor's Choice, short story: DOWN WHERE THE SERPENT SLEPT by Scott
Anderson

We found this author's writing to be professional, his dialogue and
his characters convincing, and his use of Norse mythology both
haunting and comfortable. That is to say, these gods and children of
gods had numen, but they also felt familiar---the gods next door, so
to speak, who have to deal with parent-child issues of abandonment and
expectations, sibling rivalry, and even addiction (albeit addiction to
a magic hammer, rather than more mundane drugs like alcohol or
cigarettes). This mixing of the mundane and the mythical is both a
strength (two editors were pleasantly reminded of Zelazny's
award-winning and wonderful hardboiled riffs on the lives of the
immortals) and a weakness. Norse gods, even more so than the Greek
pantheon, are the gods of a very, very cold and dark place--at least
the Greek gods got to soak up some sunshine and eat some
galactobouriko once in a while. Ragnarok (Armageddon), the end of the
gods, casts a long dark shadow over the entire canon of Norse myths.
It's a surprise, then, when Ragnarok is over and done with on page
three--the world has come to an end, but nothing has changed. Mimir
still doles out wisdom beside his well, and the World Tree still
stands. Perhaps we could have a bit more fallout? After the final
battle of the gods, why is Modi still whacking giants? More of the
story's resonance should come from the fact that the world has
changed. The author is most of the way there, but not all the way
there (it's a long, hard trip).

The beginning needs work--it relies on the most mundane of family
cliches. The father goes off to work, the child feels abandoned and
hurt, and also determined to grow up to be just like his father. Does
it help that Thor is the father, and that Sif's hair is made of gold,
forged by dwarves? Well, yes, a little. But try to take the things
about families and childhoods, that we all recognize, and make them
seem strange the same way that you've succeeded in making giants and
magic hammers and Ragnarok seem like a typical day's work. When Magni
goes off to seek advice from Mimir and Yggdrasil, the story becomes
more and more fantastical, and a better and better story. 

The author has a real strength for details like the hunting of the
deer, and the beautiful descriptions of the Tree. The ending, however,
seems somewhat abrupt. As several editors point out, Magni has been
taught by Yggdrasil to look up to life, rather than down to Hel and
death--and yet his choice is to sacrifice himself? It's a fairly
traditional ending for a Norse myth--there's even a certain amount of
brotherly betrayal involved, although it's for Modi's own good.
Perhaps we could see a little of the life that Sif and Yggdrasil have
been telling him about. Magni gets to hear about his sister Thrud's
happy, domestic life in detail, but perhaps Magni needs to see this
life up close, pay his sister a visit, before making his choice. It
might be a better structure: begin with the mythic, as Magni goes to
Yggrasil, descend to the domestic and the new non-mythic post-Ranarok
lifestyle, and then present Magni with his choice and the reader with
his eventual true-to-the-original-Norse unhappy (but epic!) ending. 

As for nits, we have only two: has Magni lost an eye, or has he only
been poked in the eye? And as an immortal, will he sit on the bottom
of the ocean forever, soggy and noble, holding his hammer? On the
whole, we're looking forward to reading more of this author's spin on
the Norse myths.


Runner Up, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: THE ORPHAN OF THE SAINT, 
Ch. 3 by Jennifer Majeske

As one editor said, "Good hook--draws us right into the action. Events
unfold rapidly, and there is a sense that the participants are
performing a set of logical actions, even though we may not know
exactly why. There's a lot going on in this chapter. The fantasy world
is complicated and convincing and the writing polished and
professional. I finished the piece wanting to read more!"  However,
another found that there wasn't much action in the chapter at all.
Generally, the editors found this chapter very well written, but
judged the characters to be fairly mundane fantasy characters: the
wise, all-knowing crone; the perhaps telepathic animal who bonds
mentally with a young person; the child who has magical powers that
she doesn't want to acknowledge.

The dialogue was a bit stilted, and the point of view shifts a few
times in the opening scenes, back and forth from Halecki to Meek. 
There are a couple of occasions where we need to know who is speaking.
Meek lunges at and swats at the dishwallahs. The next line reads:
"Shoo. Shoo, little ones." However, the line after that lets us know
that it was Granny West who spoke, not Meek.

It's casually mentioned at one point that Granny West is "the only
person Meek knew who was furrier than herself." Since this is the
third chapter of the novel, perhaps we've already been told that our
protagonist and her kin are not human. (If not, this seems like a
rather offhand manner in which to let us know!)

"The fledgling peered between the slats, its wide, yellow eyes
whirling with panic."  The "whirling" raptor eyes are very McCaffrey. 
Try to find a more original image.

This is really very competent work on many levels, and would only
benefit from the author pushing her imagination to create characters
and situations beyond the usual fantasy tropes.  


Runner Up, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: THE RAINBOW DANCER, 
Ch. 3 by Tara Maya

There were mixed feelings among the editors about this chapter.  Some
found it well written and well paced with a good opening, and finished
the chapter wanting more. One editor says that the chapter "has a
rich, tactile style but very little happens."  One didn't find it
particularly compelling, but thought some of the ideas interesting. 
One said, "The depiction of magic as something that leaves a
perceptible trace in the air--prickly strands that can be tasted and
sifted through--is a novel one and nicely developed." However, another
editor said, "The notion of dancers who dance a 'pattern' that has a
religious/spiritual/magical significance feels like an overused
fantasy trope."  One commented that the chapter was "A skillful
evocation of another culture and different kinds of magic which could
benefit from more suspense and a clearer sense of danger."  

There's a nice use of Dindi's point of view to set the scene of the
Tavaedis' dance. In the dialogue, the repetition of certain key words
and phrases (Mercy, Fa-la) lends a feeling of dialect to the
utterances.  Be careful about infodumping within trying to establish
the world and the characters.

"He shoved a bundle of smoked corncobs into her arms."  Do you perhaps
mean smoked corn on the cob?  Otherwise I don't see what use just the
smoked cob would have; that part isn't edible.

"His beauty was as impossibly perfect as a High Fae lord."  The
implication that beauty is a function of social status was bothersome.

When Umbral is told that the girl who fits his description is named
Kemla, we are led to think that the haughty young Tavaedi will meet
with an unpleasant fate. Yet this bit of possible tension is
immediately thrown away when we learn that Umbral knows "at once she
is not the one."

Overall, the setting is textured and has its appeal.  Some of the
ideas intrigue, but the worldbuilding tends to rely overmuch on some
of the used furniture of fantasy.


Runner Up, science fiction chapter/partial chapter:  NANO-GENESIS, 
Ch.s 2 and 3, by Marla Anderson 

Good beginning: the description of Walker looking out over the lunar
landscape as he waits for his train is nicely done. His appreciation
of the desolate moonscape is convincing and the action unfolds
cinematically.  However, one editor found it messy to have to have two
story threads running at the same time, and suggested that the author
choose one, and write that book.  Another editor concurred, saying
that story was really well-written, but didn't quite live up to
expectations--perhaps the author tried to make it interesting by
including many events, but the plot ended up being bounced around a
lot.

The appearance of the Nereusian and subsequent flashback to young
Walker's experience with a roomful of naked boys and another Nereusian
is somewhat jarring. "We're never told what the deal is with these
creatures," said one editor, "though it's hinted broadly that humans
(at least adolescent male humans) regard them as objects of sexual
desire. This needs to be clarified."

One editor found the ending of the chapter, with Cadmon about to have
unprotected sex with the paralyzed and terrified woman, convincingly
horrific.  Another found the rape scene powerful, but before that
wasn't able to remain too interested.

Comparing Earth's distance from the moon to "comfortable mother-in-law
distance" makes for a nice turn of phrase.  And this is a neat idea:
"UCE doctrine was an odd pairing of Christianity and Gaia mythology.
Its all-encompassing belief system had risen from the rich ashes of a
dying Vatican and been fed with fears of diminishing Earthly
resources." 

The circumstances surrounding Walker's speech don't convince.  It's
happening at too high a level of policy and negotiation for him to
have written it himself, and he wouldn't have been wandering about
alone just before giving it.  There would have been a whole team of
people to get him to the venue on time and make sure that he was where
they could find him when needed.  Also, there's this:  "She would
weave discreetly through the crowd, all the while offering opinions,
advice and background information into his earpiece."  How is a woman
walking along, muttering urgently to herself, going to be discreet?

Consider how to better handle the concurrent storylines so as not to
overwhelm the reader, and keep working with this!


Runner Up, science fiction chapter/partial chapter: FAIRYTALE 
Prologue by Patrick McGrath

The writing in this excerpt was pleasant enough to keep us going, but
the premise (little people living in the hills) feels overdone--in
some ways it's a re-telling of a scene from GULLIVER'S TRAVELS--and
unconvincing.  Still, there is some nice descriptive writing here,
such as the opening description of the men fishing "as though they
were working."  There is evocative scene-setting too: "Around them
pyramid-based cypress trees populated the former national park,
steeping it in mid-day darkness and festoons of Spanish moss
everywhere."
The ending is rather weak, though. It might be improved by deleting
that last hit-you-over-the-head statement that the three men had "no
memories whatsoever of the last three hours of their lives."

Avoid repetition. When Lucas first notices the tiny village, it looks
like little toy buildings all "piled up the hillside."  A few lines
later the three men stare in dismay at the buildings "piled up the
hillsides."  And the word "little" is used 28 times in this excerpt.

The point of view keeps wavering among the three men.  It's confusing.
 For example: "I bet it'd be good eating though." His missing front
tooth didn't help his bluster." We can't tell whether this is
something that Paps is feeling about himself, or whether Poorboy is
feeling it upon looking at Paps.  Point of view is going to be a
difficult choice here, because you have to start out from the point of
view of one of the men, but when they go unconscious you've chosen not
to enter the point of view of any of the little people.  Instead
you've used an unidentified third person or limited omniscient POV
(limited because it doesn't know everything and keeps referring to
events as strange). Strange to whom? The three men are unconscious,
and to the little people, what they are doing is not strange at all.

You often use "like" when you should use "as though." In dialogue or
written from well within someone's point of view it's okay to use the
colloquial form, but in narrative it should usually be grammatically
correct.  "He hung down where he sat like he was drunk" sounds too
much like a character's voice.

"Something caught his eye. It looked like little toy buildings all
piled up the hillside but that couldn't be true." We get the answer to
what he's seeing too quickly; here's an opportunity to build up a
couple more sentences of suspense for the readers.

The fuel has been stolen from their boat, yet when they do come to,
Paps cranks up the trolling motor and regains control of the boat in
the swift current without a hitch. This blunts the impact of the whole
fuel theft scene.

Watch out for lazy writing.  "Paps, Lucas and Poorboy all slapped at
their arms and backs as though they were being stung." Are they just
imagining it, or are they really being stung by something?  Describing
the little people as "elven-looking" is not very precise, since
there's not much agreement on what elves might look like? What are their
features like?  What size are they?  What color is their skin, hair,
eyes? 

A challenging chapter for the author in both content and
structure--this should give you some ideas for tightening it up.


Runner Up, short story: A SMALL DIVERSION ON THE ROAD TO HELL by
Jonathan Howard

The Editorial Board came to no unified conclusion on this story. While
some editors found it to be poorly written and cliched, others were
happily reminded of writers like Eliot Fintushel and Paul Di Filippo,
and for that matter, Robert Sheckley and James Blish, who each have
their own distinctive and quirky literary styles. Fortunately, it's a
big world and there are a lot of magazines out there, and a lot of
editors. Any writer who is as interested in style and wordplay as this
writer seems to be will eventually find a home in print. The
difficulty with this story (which, the author informs us, has been
read with interest at several magazines) is not really its voice, but
rather its dependence upon a set of old and tired conventions, and a
heavy-handed pun at the end. The narrative voice (with its staccato,
mock-awkward repetitions and pauses) deserves better, and an editor
who is charmed by the voice is less likely to be enamored of the silly
punchline, or the fact that they've seen the
bar-where-very-odd-people-with-very-odd-stories-come-in-for-a-drink a
zillion times before. There really isn't much that a writer can do
about this, except stay pure and keep away from puns of loose virtue,
or else develop a literary style so refined and winning and polished
that even the most jaded of editors won't be able to resist (staying
away from puns is a lot, lot easier). 

Keep the language sharp: for example, "This is a different man from
the men I am used to seeing walk in. I am used to Imperial dignitaries
flanked by faceless guards and I am used to those who roister doister
and I am even used to those things that Man Was Not Meant to Know but
am on a first name terms with and have their own glasses hanging over
the bar. This man is different because he is not very different" is
extremely funny, extravagant, and pointed prose for the most part,
except that "am on first name terms with" doesn't make sense in the
context of the sentence. Fix that, and make sure that the tone of the
entire story stays that Pratchett-funny. It might also be a good idea
to fill the bar up a bit more with other regulars, all with their own
problems and stories; if you complicate the narrative a bit, we might
not mind that it's such an old, old story, and that the pun is so
groanable. And if you can sell this story, you've got a great setting
for your next dozen. 


Runner Up, short story: SALMON RUN by Bill O'Dea

We liked the clear, solid prose style, and the near-future setting of
this story, where extreme athletes take advantage of a plausible
change in technology--automatic braking programs in cars--to combine
running with the freestyle risky tricks of skateboarding. We weren't
so sure we liked Caesar, the narrator, whose accountant-like balancing
of his personal life seemed sterile and safe and frankly, somewhat
repulsive, as he contemplates his current girlfriend Vicki's pluses
and minuses: "thin blonde hair, tight frame, and deep brown eyes"
versus "less than average intelligence, control issues, and a habit of
starting fights just before sex." On the other hand, possibly we
weren't supposed to like him. It would be nice if we had a little more
insight into his life and why it's so neccesary for him to
compartmentalize his passion for risk. In the long run, Amanda might
find that being hit by a car was less damaging than taking up with
Caesar. At the very least, we should see Caesar weighing up the
advantages of staying with Amanda---impress the girl reporter/get
arrested. And it also might be nice if he were able to conjure up some
wistful and at least semi-pleasant memory of Vicki.

The descriptions of the actual running were vivid and well done, and
made us see how Caesar became obsessed with the adrenaline rush. We
did wonder why the story is called "Salmon Run" instead of just "Fish
Run," when all the runners refer to themselves simply as "fish." 

For the most part, dialogue was serviceable, but be careful of
dialect: as one editor remarked, Carter sounded as if he should be
chewing a piece of straw, yokel-style. Also look out for sentences
like "Her body was lean and athletic but her clean running shorts,
reflective jacket, and wide sweatbands said here was a girl who never
ran in life but wanted to look like she did." Break that sentence
down, and make it clear that this is snobbery and snootiness on the
Caesar's part, who wears thrift-wear and a black unitard. After all,
Amanda turns out to be an Olympic track-and-field athlete. Also,
shouldn't he be impressed by that? Instead, it just becomes a plus in
his running column of pluses and minuses: she might "understand his
running."

It might also be nice if some of the people in the crowd were drivers
who had been frightened or inconvenienced earlier by the runners---it
could add a bit of tension. A nitpick noted by two editors: "'thin
hair' conjures up an image of a sparsely thatched head with bits of
scalp shining through here and there." Is that really a turn-on for
Caesar? In general, we felt that this story had strong potential, if
the author could slow down a bit and bring Caesar's character into
focus.


| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

This month's first special reviewer is Penelope Hardy, who has 
accumulated over 300 review points.  We're sending her an inscribed 
copy of SOULSAVER by workshop member James Stevens-Arce, published in 
hardcover by Harcourt.  Congratulations, and thanks, Pen!  

Our second special reviewer this month is Bonnie Freeman, who will
also receive an inscribed copy of SOULSAVER.  Bonnie has garnered the
most Honor Roll mentions in the last four months.  Thanks and
congratulations to Bonnie as well!

(More on SOULSAVER: http://www.stevens-arce.com/Praise.html)

We list in the Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop the people who
have given useful, insightful reviews that have been appreciated by
the authors.  After all, that's what makes the workshop go, and we
want to give great reviewers a little well-earned recognition from the
workshop community.   In the newsletter we list reviewer names and
submissions reviewed; on the site we also include comments from the
submission's author.  Most months we also award a prize to one or 
more special reviewers.  If you've received a review you really
appreciated and would like to the reviewer to appear in the Reviewer
Honor Roll, just use our online honor-roll nomination form at 
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml or e-mail 
support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com the following information:

Name of the reviewer
Title of the submission reviewed and author (your name)
Any comments you have on why the review was so helpful

This month's honor roll:

Steve Westcott, reviewing LEGACY OF THE BLACK DRAGON by Julie D'Arcy
Bonnie Freeman, reviewing TRANSGENESIS by Marc Gazo
Tom Dullemond, reviewing (Still Untitled!) by Chris Salter
Loren Jones, reviewing THE LAST BATTLE by Audrey Nichols
Donna Egbert, reviewing THE TESTAMENT OF RRA by Matthew Oliver
Deanna Hoak, reviewing ARMADA by Steve Olson
T.L.Trent, reviewing THE JEWELS OF AI, Ch. 2 & Ch. 3 by Cecil Woods
Jesse Bangs, reviewing ALL WE EVER WANTED WAS EVERYTHING 
by Jennifer de Guzman
James C. Ellis, reviewing LAST OF THE JELLY by Michael Martineck
Pen Hardy and Dan Goss, reviewing BACKHOE VULTURES by John Borneman
Donna Johnson, reviewing GHOSTS OF THE PAST, Ch. 1, by Matt Cox
J. M. Blumer, reviewing KYLADA, Ch. 11 by Penelope Hardy
Joshua Palmatier, reviewing KYLADA, Ch. 12 by Penelope Hardy

More details and specific praise can be found at: 
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml


| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

First, a helpful tool for those of you submitting your work for 
publication:

SONAR is a writer's tool that will track your submissions to various
markets, keeping a history per story and per market so you can see
what you sent where.  You can also include comments on every story,
market, and submission.  Created by workshop member Simon Haynes,
SONAR is free and can be downloaded from http://www.spacejock.com

Next, a market announcement: six slightly infamous members of the
Spooky Disco dark SpecFic writers group--a group comprised of workshop
members--would like to announce their appointment to the Editorial
Staff at Ideomancer.com:

Dan Goss: Science Fiction Editor
Chris Clarke: Horror Editor
Amber (Mek) van Dyk: Horror Editor
Jennifer de Guzman: Guest Flash/Slipstream Editor
Mikal Trimm: Guest Fantasy Editor
Dorian E. Gray: Guest Fantasy Editor

The editors would like to thank Del Rey for sponsoring the workshop, and
encourage Del Rey Digital Workshop members to submit their short stories to
Ideomancer (http://www.ideomancer.com).

Congratulations to our members who have recently made sales or
garnered other honors of various sorts!  ("DROWW" is the original Del 
Rey workshop, 3/99-9/00.)  The latest news is listed
below.  Our complete online Hall of Fame is at 
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/halloffame.shtml

Steve Bratman sold short story "Goodness Militant" to _Exquisite
Corpse_ for publication in the May issue (http://www.corpse.org). 
Steve says: "The critique I received on the site helped me enormously.
This was true even though I was aiming at a literary magazine market,
not a science-fiction magazine market.  Based on critiques I received,
I basically entirely rewrote the last third of the story, and made
substantial changes everywhere else.  Critiques I received on other
submitted stories helped greatly too.   Although I've published a lot
of non-fiction, I'm new to fiction writing. The reviewers on the site
basically gave me a free course in how to write fiction."

Kim Bundy has self-published her book THE DEATH OF JABARI with
iUniverse.  For information, see
http://members.ee.net/elspeth/death_of_jabari.htm or
http://www.iuniverse.com/marketplace/bookstore/book_detail.asp?isbn=0%2D595%2D16024%2D7

Siobhan Carroll's short story "A Killer of Men" (an EC in the DROWW)
placed second in _On Spec_ magazine's first annual short story
competition and was published in the Fall 2000 issue
(http://www.icomm.ca/onspec). Siobhan says, "The reviews on the site
were all incredibly helpful, and really helped me to shape my draft
into a publishable story."

Jennifer St. Clair Bush recently sold two books: SECOND COMING to The
Fiction Works (http://www.fictionworks.com) for publication in
mid-2001 and THE TENTH GHOST as an e-book to Bookmice 
(http://www.bookmice.com).  She says, "I love your workshop!"

Simon Haynes sold short story "Sleight of Hand" for publication in
Issue 1 of new print magazine _Potato Monkey_.

A. M. Muffaz's poem "Foibles" will join previously accepted poem
"Kill" in ENVELOPES OF TIME, a SF/F/H poetry anthology from Electric
Wine (http://www.electricwine.com).  Publication is tentatively set
for June 2001.

J. P. Moore's short story "Palmistry" will appear in an upcoming issue
of
_Ideomancer_ (http://www.ideomancer.com).  He says, "The finished
piece is a far cry from what appeared in the workshop a few months
back.  The story would be nothing, now, were it not for the helpful
suggestions I received from the workshop community."

DROWW member Paul Pipkin has sold a first novel to TimeWarner's
iPublish for August 2001 publication.  THE FAN-SHAPED DESTINY OF
WILLIAM SEABROOK "answers the most fervent prayer of all mankind: for
another chance. But what if chance is all there is, ever, in one world
... or in many?"  Initial publication will be as an eBook, accompanied
by a print-on-demand option.  The author says, "I posted chapter
fragments of FSD on the DROWW site in 1999 and 2000...I did receive
serious and constructive critique. In one instance, critical
assistance went well beyond the confines of the workshop.  I endorse
the enterprise as a valuable component of the evolving
cyber-community."  More information: 
http://www.geocities.com/FanShapedDestiny

Nancy Proctor sold short story "Sittin' A Spell At Miz Love's" to
_Strange Horizons_ (http://www.strangehorizons.com) after workshopping
it in the DROWW.  She says, "Reviewers offered tons of encouragement
and were invaluable in terms of de-nitting."

Michelle Thuma sold short story "On Recovery" to _Speculon_
(http://www.speculon.com) for the June 15 issue. It was workshopped in
the DROWW under the title "My Recovery Essay" and is dark
humor/psychological
fantasy.

Steve Westcott sold two short stories to _Deadthings_, a British print
horror/humor magazine.  The first, "Opportunity Knocks," was
workshopped and tweaked thanks to helpful reviews from Michella Thuma,
Pen Hardy, Nancy Proctor, and Roger Anderson.  The second, "Give A Dog
A Bone," was workshopped as a chapter of Steve's current novel,
BRUVVERS IN ARMS, then adapted into a short story. He says, "Helpful
reviews helped bat it into shape."


| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

Number of members as of 3/20: 3375 
Number of submissions currently online: 1519
Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 66%
Percent of submissions with zero reviews: 1.65% 

Number of submissions in March: 1013
Number of reviews in March: 4273
Ratio of reviews/submissions in March: 4.22
Estimated average word count per review in March: 363

Number of submissions in April to date: 636
Number of reviews in April to date: 2842
Ratio of reviews/submissions in April to date: 4.47
Estimated average word count per review in April to date: 327


| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

POLL: YOUR OPINION WANTED

Should the first review of a submission earn the reviewer two points
instead of one?  Advantages: encourages first reviews so that every
submission gets at least one review; makes it possible to post a
submission after reviewing only two others instead of three. 
Disadvantages: sometimes the rush to be first reviewer and get the
extra point leads to hasty reviews that are less helpful than they
could be; sometimes more thorough reviewers get beaten to the punch by
the less helpful reviewers, who earn twice as many points for a
skimpier critique.

What's your opinion, and if you don't like the current two-point
system, what are your suggestions for alternatives that also help 
distribute the reviews?  Let us know at 
support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com.

TIP: CONVERTING ITALICS IN MS WORD SO THEY APPEAR ONLINE

Here is how to easily convert the italics (or underline) in a
submission into HTML, for Microsoft Word users:

Before you post, go to Edit in Word. Click on Replace, and be sure the
More button is clicked. Click in the Find window, go to Format, click
on Font, and choose Italics (or single underline, if that's what
you've used for italics).  Now click in the Replace window. Type ,
then click on Special and select Find What Text. Now  type </I> (no
spaces between anything). Choose Replace All. Now your italics will
show up on the workshop!

TIP: ADDING PARAGRAPH BREAKS IN MS WORD

In order to quickly get the extra space you need between paragraphs
for your submissions, go to Edit and Replace. For the Find What box,
click on the Special button and select Paragraph Mark. For the Replace
with box, select Paragraph Mark twice.

(Thanks to member Deanna Hoak for these formatting tips.)

TIP: WRITING RESEARCH SOURCE

Member and published author Christine Hall tells us: "I have started a
research club for writers. Members pool their experience and knowledge
of all subjects to help one another create authentic settings and
technically correct action. Whatever your areas of expertise
are--childhood diseases, teaching parrots to speak, 15th century
Italian painting, how to cook on an Aga--another writer will be
grateful for your advice. In return we'll tell you how a belly dancer
uses her veils, how your hero can declare his undying love in German,
and how a serial killer operates. Membership is free. To find out more
or join, go to http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/rainswritersresearchclub

TIPS APPRECIATED

Got a helpful tip for your fellow members?  A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission?  Or a writing tip? Share it with us and if we agree it's 
useful we'll publish it in the next newsletter.  Just send it to 
support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com and we'll do the rest.

See you next month!

The Del Rey Digital Writing Workshop for Science Fiction and Fantasy
delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com

| - - Copyright 2001 Online Writing Workshops, LLC - - - - - - - - -|