O | The Del Rey Digital Writing Workshop Newsletter, May 2001
W | delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!

| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

- Workshop Partner Information
- Workshop News:
  Preview feature for submissions
  Horror workshop to launch soon
  "Orphan" submissions policy
  Upcoming enhancements list
  Reminders
- Editors' Choices for April submissions
- Guest Editor Terry Brooks's reviews of March submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll and reviewer prizes
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Feedback:
  Tips from fellow workshoppers
  
| - - WORKSHOP PARTNER INFORMATION - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  - |

Online Writing Workshops's partnership with Del Rey Books continues
through March 5, 2002, making membership in the workshop free to all. 
Visit the Del Rey Books Web site for sample chapters of upcoming
books, in-depth features, author interviews, special offers, and more:
http://www.randomhouse.com/delrey

Del Rey's featured titles for May/June: 

ASCENDANCE: BOOK ONE OF THE SECOND DEMONWARS SAGA by R. A. Salvatore.
Hardcover (SS)

Pony's son Aydrian has been raised by the elves to be a protector, but
at fourteen, he is just coming into his own magical power and
beginning to have his own ideas about his purpose in life. Pony
herself is distracted by the increasingly ardent courtship of the
king--and the hatred of his long-time mistress, who wants Pony out of
the way for good. And now De'Unnero, the weretiger, is about to meet
up with Aydrian, who is hungry for power, destined for war, and owes
no loyalty to either his mother or her king...

For more information:
http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=0345430409

Read a chapter at: http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=0345430409&view=excerpt


| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

NEW "PREVIEW" OF SUBMISSIONS

We've just added a preview feature to the submission process, so that
you can view your submission and check its formatting (and correct it
if necessary) before clicking that final "submit" button.

HORROR WORKSHOP TO LAUNCH SOON

Online Writing Workshops is putting the final touches on a horror
writers' workshop.  If you're interested in helping us beta-test it,
e-mail ellen@onlinewritingworkshop.com before May 27.  We plan to open
the workshop up for business in early June and will announce its
launch on the OWW mailing lists.

"ORPHAN" SUBMISSIONS POLICY
  
We want to make sure that the submissions we feature are fresh and
the authors are still looking for feedback, so we delete submissions 
that have not been updated (or submitted) in the last 90 days.  
Authors of these older submissions are notified of the scheduled 
removal in advance and have the chance to revisit and update 
their submissions if they want them to remain in the workshop.  
    
UPCOMING ENHANCEMENTS

We thought we'd share some of our to-do list with you so you can see
what we're planning for the future.  These are listed in order of
priority.  Send any comments about them to us at
support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com.

--On your submission information, number of views will be replaced
  with # of "viewers" (still not including the author): this will make
  this information more useful because it will not count multiple views
  by the same person (for example, one person viewing 3 times in the
  course of doing a review).
  
--The member directory will initially be displayed with no members,
instead of the first 30 alphabetically. This will speed up performance
for everyone...except those looking for members whose names start
early in the As!  

--E-mail alert system for members:  sign up to be notified when your
  work is reviewed, selected authors post new submissions, or selected
  reviewers post reviews

--Special features for subgroups within the workshop: we are still
  working on these features, but they will probably include special
  member-directory pages for each registered subgroup, sign-up options,
  and special e-alerts, and may include levels of access (public or
  private).

--Randomly-selected seldom-reviewed submission that pops up on the main
  submission-listing page to encourage reviewing: we are always looking
  for ways to make sure all submissions get at least three good reviews.
  This is something we want to try for those of you who are looking for
  something to review.

Let us know what else would make your workshop experience better--just
send us mail at support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com.


REMINDERS

Adding your picture to the member directory:  your picture must be
stored on a different Web server.  Make sure that server allows access
from other servers--some don't.  Your picture URL must start with
"http://", the URL is case-sensitive (e.g., don't use uppercase if the
file is named in lowercase) and it must be no bigger than 200 x 200 
pixels.

Reviewing: Reviewers, remember to try to avoid rewriting others'
submissions! When you critique, it's always more helpful to point 
out the flaws than to try to fix them (a rule I always followed in 
my editorial career as well--EKHB).  Suggestions for types of fixes 
are fine, but actually rewriting is usually not helpful to the 
authors, who will need to use their own words, not yours!

Using the "append text" form:  you need to submit your first chunk of
text via the regular submission form before you follow the link to the
"append text" form and submit the rest.


| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

The Editor's Choices are the submissions from the previous month that
show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of our
Editorial Board.  Each gets a composite review by the Board, which is
published on the site and in the newsletter.  We usually pick one
fantasy chapter or partial chapter, one SF chapter or partial chapter,
and one short story. (The volume of short stories is much less than
that of chapters, so we're not going to pick a fantasy story and an SF
story each month unless that imbalance changes. Mixed SF/F chapters
will be considered under whichever category seems to predominate in
the submission.) We also list two runners-up in each category, with 
our comments.

To view Editors' Choices on the workshop, go to the submission list
and click on "Editors' Choices" in the Submission Selector.  Six
months of ECs will be archived there, with their editorial reviews.

Our Editorial Board: 
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/editorialboard.shtml

In order to make sure that some of our most professional
members don't take too much attention away from other deserving
writers, we've decided that novels will be ineligible for EC
consideration if they have been chosen as previous ECs in any
six-month period (January-June and July-December).  Runner-ups will
not be subject to this rule.  So if a chapter of your novel has been
an EC, we won't put future chapters of it into the nomination process
for a while--but if those chapters are of EC/runner-up quality, we
will be acknowledging them briefly just to be fair.

Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors and runners 
up!

Editor's Choice, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: STONE MAIDEN, 
Chapter 2, by Ann Aguirre

A strong chapter. The editors liked the characters and found the story
evocative and intriguing. However, the shifting point of view quickly
becomes distracting and irritating. It seems unreasonable to expect us
to also take on an overarching, apparently strongly opinionated,
unlimited omniscient observer. The trope of the planet with two moons
needs to be thought through. It makes for a beautiful mythology, yet
it necessitates certain types of planetary conditions, which will
affect the world-building.

The narrative voice needs to be more consistent. Would the same
narrator who has addressed us in such lofty phrasings also tell us
that Tah thought his sister's finger-sucking habit was "cute" or that
someone's horse "didn't bat an eye" at the heavy load?  Avoid
unnecessary coinage of words. There are ordinary English nouns (dates
and peppers), as well as apparently invented ones (gala leaves and
shredded ocksa), and then we find "karotons," "potattes," and "lykos,"
which seem to be altered English words.

The scene of Tah entering the dead city is eerily effective. The
description of his discovery and subsequent Phidippidean run home to
tell the tale has the lyrical quality of poetry about it. The rhythm
of the sentences is very pleasing. It's not something you would want
to keep up for the whole novel, but this series of events has a mythic
quality to it, so the poetic language works here.

Tah bites through his tongue when he meets the Ksathra Z'ev, but from
then on seems to have neither any difficulty speaking nor any
awareness of the severe pain in his mangled tongue. But this type of
injury really hurts and definitely affects your speech!  The
appearance of Tah's older sister and her interaction with Harb is
vividly, movingly related. But how does she understand the sign
language of the Mutes?  One member of the editorial board is a 25-year
veteran of sign language interpreting and says: 1. Harb is not deaf.
Clarify that Z'ev signs to Harb only in order to keep their
conversation private. 2. No experienced signer would be perceptibly
hampered by having only one hand with which to speak, as Harb does on
the road to Ballendin. 3. Voicing aloud what another person is signing
is a very difficult task. Establish that Z'ev has volunteered for this
arduous duty or even requested Harb to tell the tale. It would also
help believability if Z'ev had to struggle to translate the tale as
poetically as he does. And a final quibble: "Running was immeasurably
easier in the sand," Tah thinks, but running through constantly
shifting sand is actually pretty difficult.

All in all, a nicely crafted chapter that left us wanting to know more
about this fascinating world and its inhabitants.


Editor's Choice, SF chapter/partial chapter: SHEAVES, Chapter 2, by
Kate Bachus

A very well-written excerpt with good narration that brings the reader
into the story. The narrator and her teammates are likeable and their
unfolding story is intriguing. Some of us found the excerpt a little
flat, but the writing is clear, the details nice, the dialogue and
interactions between the characters mostly authentic, natural, and
believable.  We would expect a little more tension now that, for the
first time in nine years, the characters are no longer confined
together in a ship and they have room to expand (explode?)
emotions/reactions.

The opening nicely captures that feeling of just waking up. We're not
sure why the protagonist asks Annie "What's the word?" If it's just
supposed to be the old-time slang phrase (more commonly "What's the
good word?") requiring no answer, then it seems a bit
superfluous--especially given Annie's non-sequitur response ("Adage").
Perhaps the significance of this is covered in Chapter 1, but after
this one mention of it, it seems to play no part in this chapter. When
a casual phrase generates this much cogitation on the part of the
readers, it might be best to do without it.

Some awkward/confusing sentences pop up here and there, for example:
"Dell, Adam, Boch and I handled the equipment while Dell and Nguyen
cooked." Is Dell both cooking and handling the equipment?  But there
are nicely observed moments, such as: "''Life!' said Boch, with his
usual half-amused ceremony. 'Be! Life!' He raised his hands, half
conjure, half benediction." And: "Stars began to appear overhead,
vivid and three-dimensional even through the haze of atmosphere. I
slowed, followed my own longer footstrides back through the sand with
sweat dripping down the back of my neck, enjoying the realization of
sudden open space with the anchor of hard land underneath my feet."
(Though mightn't she be worried about the impending dark? It will be
pitch black when night falls on this planet.)  How is it that a world
with a breathable atmosphere has no evident plant life? Still, that
expanse of desert and the hopes of turning it into arable land is
dramatic.

The dream sequence was a disappointing ending that seriously altered
our expectations of where the author was headed. Perhaps this was
something that had been set up previously (we are always at a
disadvantage when we start reading one or two chapters into the
story), but it felt flat and hackneyed compared to the vivid, closely
observed story thus far. The battle of warriors and monsters was
written in a style better suited to sword and sorcery and truly felt
like a passage from a different novel!  All in all, a nicely crafted
chapter with an odd 90-degree twist at its end.

Editor's Choice, short story: THE CURE (PART 1 OF 2) by Marlissa 
Campbell

We loved this story. This author's writing was more than
professional--it was lovely. The setting, the historical and
scientific details, the characters and their manner of speaking, all
were evocative of another place and another time, as if the author had
opened up a window on Paris, France, in the year 1886, where Louis
Pasteur is working on a cure for rabies (and where an infected wolf
bite may cause more than simply rabies. Imagine a collaborative
werewolf story by Pat Barker and Tanith Lee). Overall, the tone of
this submission was leisurely, haunting, and subtle. Several editors
were so intrigued that they read on through the second half as well.
From the opening--when the nineteen wolf-bitten Russian
peasant/patients are compared to a starving pack of wolves--to the
oddly joyful ending, as the narrator identifies "a thousand years of
Parisian perfumes and stinks" as he returns to the laboratory at rue
d'Ulm, the connections between men and wolves, and between scientific
method and the supernatural, become irretrievably (and ever more
interestingly) entangled. This was at once both a historical story, a
werewolf story, and an impressive character study of a man who has
been both maimed and transformed.

On close reading, sentence by sentence, we have no nits, only praise.
One editor remarked somewhat plaintively that there seemed to be no
supernatural element by the end of Part 1. Another editor, upon
reading Part 2, wondered if the motivations of M. Roux in front of the
academy, the fate of M. Orlov, and the cause of the narrator's great
change might all be a little too subtle--or possibly just glossed over
too quickly. In any case, this is a story, like many good stories,
that rewards multiple readings. Send it to _F&SF_, _Asimov's_,
Scifi.com, or _Realms of Fantasy_. And please keep writing!


Runner Up, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: ASH, Chapters 4 and 5 
by Mikal Trimm

The story idea is unique and the writing really complemented its
individuality. Its originality is balanced by a certain classic feel,
reminiscent of such epic fantasy tales as Beowulf or Don Juan.  The
opening is interesting, with its repeated cadence of "there was a
change..." That's part of what lends the epic, mythic quality to the
excerpt. However, some of us found it a little difficult to get into
at first: the beginning reads neither like the start of a new story
nor quite like the continuation of an ongoing story, and the writing
style was occasionally too distancing--it might be a stronger choice
to allow the readers to feel closer to the characters and their
experiences.

The culture and the concept of the diggers is interesting. The scene
with Sable and his father was amusing, but the Moon-blessed idea needs
more clarification. If they're so blessed, why would Sable and Merry
be upset at the idea that their child isn't normal? They'd be honored,
wouldn't they?  The story is several chapters in, yet Sable and Merry
are presented as still dismayed and perplexed by their child's
disability. But when the Naming Ritual begins it becomes instantly
obvious that their child is one of the Moon-blessed, and therefore
regarded as holy and extremely fortunate. The description of the
Moon-blessed makes for exciting, provocative reading that seems marred
by Merry and Sable's odd inability to recognize and celebrate their
son as one of the blessed. Too, consider toning down the smearing of
the watery feces during this scene. It's not necessary to go overboard
to convince us that these people are severely disabled by their
"gift." The graphic description merely makes the whole scene more
repulsive than it needs to be--unpleasant and gross rather than
shocking and grotesque.

The descriptions of the village of Charm are lovely. Ditto the
evocation of the Heartlodge. Be aware though that to modern ears,
"Heartlodge" could have an overly sentimentalized ring more suited
(for instance) to the name of a chain of motels.  The scene of the
Naming is well-told. The moment when the Moon-blessed begin speaking
with one voice is unexpected and chilling. One problem: Sable is our
point-of-view character, yet when he gets vaporized, the scene
continues along through Merry's point of view. This is jarring; the
switch into Merry's point of view should be the start of a new
section. A generally well-written narrative that begins in a low-key,
intriguing description of an unusual society and ends on a truly
horrific note.


Runner Up, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: JESSIE AND FRANK: LOVE 
SCENE CHALLENGE by Laurie Davis

It was admittedly an unusual decision to select one of the workshop
members' scene-length "challenge" entries for this month's Editors'
Choice, since this short scene was too brief to reveal much about any
ongoing story of which it might be a part. However, some editors'
comments on this scene was that it was moving, had a professional
feel, and was competently written throughout. Others by contrast felt
that it lacked passion and was too brief to allow much involvement
with the characters, enough attachment to their world, or a strong
enough sense of the fantasy elements of the piece. One editor said,
"It suffered in my eyes by comparison with the other two entries in
this category, a tiny (albeit very juicy) pomegranate next to a couple
of big sturdy apples."

A sex scene, like any other scene in a story, should further the
world-building and plot interest and tell us some more about the
characters. It is a concise and attention-grabbing way to reveal
details about your characters and their relationships with each other.
This scene does in fact accomplish some of this quite handily. It
tells us about Jessie's loving attitude to Frank's disabled body and
his absent-mindedness, and the way she regards her own rapidly
changing body. It also tells us what Frank's reaction to Jessie's
pregnancy is, and something of how he responds to Jessie as his
partner. If the author goes on to fold this piece into a story, these
will be useful elements of the character and plot development, and she
will probably need to revisit the sex scene and add more information
to it so that it furthers the plot. Kudos to the author for picking an
unusual setting for a sex scene, on using a very pregnant woman and a
disabled man as the partners (two conditions that many people who have
sex experience!), and for keeping the pregnancy and disability in mind
in a scene that still manages to be simultaneously juicy and tender.


Runner Up, science fiction chapter/partial chapter:  THE RIGHT THING 
by Suzanne Dodd

It's refreshing to read SF set knowledgeably in a non-North American
culture. However, the subject matter is old hat and unconvincingly
handled. One editor said, "This could be a great story, but the
narrator is so casual that the reader is more amused than seriously
affected." The colloquial reportive style won't hold up for a whole
novel, but had a zest and humor that we appreciated.

The opening establishes the situation and the narrator's voice
immediately. Warning: her constant complaints to the unseen
interrogators about having said all this before become obtrusive after
a while and should be quickly phased out. It's hard to maintain
interest in a story when we're repeatedly reminded that the narrator
herself is tired of telling it.

Play up the geographical, cultural, and linguistic elements, rather
than soft-pedaling them. There are some good examples of when the
author has done this: "His skin, what I saw was dark. Not black, more
like 'red' you know? Coolie royale with Chiney." What does this
setting look like, smell like, sound like? The descriptions felt
lacking.  When you use colloquial expressions such as "to check" (says
the Jamaican among us), try to find a way to explicate them the first
few times, so that your readers understand them subsequent times. What
size is Dactoy's ship? And though the narrator tells her captors that
they won't be able to find any trace of it, they'll be able to analyze
its ash residue in the sand.

At first Dactoy is represented as a highly intelligent alien who is
grateful to the narrator for her help and depicted as imposing rather
than threatening. By the end of the chapter he seems brutish and
"ugly," yet the reason for the change is never given.  The bit about
whether Dactoy was a man with a man's "equipment" is confusing. It's
clear that the narrator sees him as a reasoning, feeling, humanoid
being, something like we are, and therefore deserving of our
consideration. But how and why does she make the jump from that to
thinking he must have human genitalia? She seems too informed about
the world to make that kind of mistake.

Quibbles:  Few contemporary humans refer to the sun as Sol.  Despite
what the narrator says, humans haven't been kind to Dactoy's
people--they've destroyed his planet and left him belonging nowhere.
When the government officials search the narrator's house, they're
going to find Dactoy's things; they're not going to be so shoddy in
their search as the author describes.  And the English from the future
is going to be so altered from ours that the narrator won't be able to
understand it--it'd be like us trying to decipher Chaucerian English.

With some key flaws, this was a lively take on an unoriginal plot.


Runner Up, science fiction chapter/partial chapter: THE PEACEKEEPERS,
Chapters 3b--5a, by Jeanne Foguth

The writing here is fine, the setup interesting, the world intriguing.
Although one of us really enjoyed this story, finding the concept
"excellent," another found the subject (clash of cultures) and its
handling unoriginal. The piece has potential--perhaps the author
should not switch back and forth between viewpoints so often, and
instead could give us more time to immerse ourselves in the
world/culture/mindset of each "side."

We noted a Kirk/Spock (or Picard/Data) sort of by-play in Larwin's
frustrated interactions with his android. The android's speech
patterns are labored and become annoying pretty quickly, while
Larwin's irritation seems exaggerated. More attention needs to be paid
to making the android sound believable. Some awkward/confusing
sentences: "Glancing at the android's profile, he decided they were
180° polar opposites. Compared to the woman, the android looked like a
diminutive faded imitation." A "diminutive faded imitation" is not the
same thing as a "180° polar opposite."

Lots, of problems with, incorrect comma usage throughout, the chapter!

There are a few nicely observed moments: "He frowned in concentration
then pulled off his gloves and reverently picked up a magenta leaf. He
sniffed. That was it! Honey mixed with rich, humus, an odor found in
arboretums. The smell of vast wealth. The smell of power. The smell of
living plants."  (Cut the comma after "rich" though.)

More gratuitous android bashing ruins a potentially cool scene: "As
GEA-4 shimmered in the light, Larwin wondered if the malfunctioning
hunk of scrap could actually utilize an artificial light source to
recharge."  And this was confusing: "Due to the communication barrier,
he'd hoped for more of Nimri's kind."

We were all put off by the seemingly random switches in POV. It's
established that Nimri and Larwin are speaking totally different
languages. This is emphasized when Larwin's utterances are
transliterated into phonetic English from Nimri's point of view. Yet
later Nimri also speaks in phonetic English and Larwin is clearly
unable to understand her. The author needs to decide which one of them
is hearing but not understanding English from the other and, more
importantly, to stick to one POV. This POV-switching only worsens as
the chapter continues.  A quibble:  Near the end of the chapter Nimri
gives GEA-4 "a mind-numbing smile." "Mind-numbing" traditionally means
"boring."

This has some interesting concepts, yet the bad punctuation, odd
characterizations, and flip-flopping point of view sometimes made it
difficult to want to read on.


Runner Up, short story: DIGS by Jim Littman

This was an interesting if not altogether successful attempt at alien
world-building. We were curious about the alien culture of ritual
insults and negative responses to requests, as when Peter, the human
archaeologist, pleads with the alien Yusaki, asking if Peter may join
him at feasting time. Yet this seems to be the only example of this
oddly reversed alien behavior--at all other times, the aliens Arina
and Tarina seem helpful and gentle. In fact, the adjectives "gently"
and "softly" come up over and over again to describe their behavior,
as does "impassive" and "emotionless." The author should probably
think a little more about his aliens, and whether these traits really
fit well together. In general, the anthropological and biological
details could be a little clearer. Isn't Peter slightly more surprised
that he and Arina are capable of having children? And for that matter,
it seems a little odd, if not unethical and quite frankly not very
intelligent, for a member of an expedition to sleep around with the
natives. And it also seems strange that he is the only member of the
dig who stays in the village. Some work is needed on other details
such as Tarina's plot-convenient vision/communication with Peter;
Peter's somewhat easy-seeming dismissal of Arina's fate and the fate
of the entire expedition; and the lack of description of the hostile
demon-aliens, the Azort. Several editors suggest getting rid of the
Azort plot-line altogether. It might be more interesting if it were
the progeny of Peter and Arina who threaten the other crewmembers.
Give us the back story: Why is Peter on his own? How (and why) did he
court Arina? Give us more information about their relationship: When
Arina is first introduced in the story, looking at Peter, we are told
that her "yellow eyes stare at this strange visitor." She and Peter
are mates, and have been for a while, right? Why haven't Arina's
people been more concerned about the dig, if the Azort are buried
somewhere in the targeted area? What exactly are the Weswa and the
Esta?

On the sentence level, beware of adverb-infested paragraphs. In
particular, cut down on the use of "gently" and "softly." Compound
words like "footprints," "topmost," and "fingertips" should be joined
like so. Direct address in dialogue ("As we speak Doctor," "We are
scientist ladies and gentlemen," "Take us down Mr. Bartley") requires
commas. When the crewship is landing, there is a long string of
paragraphs in which each sentence after a line of dialogue follows the
noun-verb-object pattern; sentence and paragraph rhythms should be
more varied. There are occasional tense shifts--don't forget to clean
those up. Sentences like "As he tries to focus her apparition in the
soft green light, her face looses the human features" need to be
translated into plain English. And, as several editors remarked, get
rid of the last paragraph. It just doesn't work tonally or
emotionally, although the detail about all begging "to feast at his
table" is quite nice. 


Runner Up, short story:  FARADAY'S CAGE by John McColley

The Editorial Board found this submission to be well-written, but
perhaps a bit too oblique. A shipwrecked and unnamed man on an alien
planet struggles to make an enclosure out of metal salvage from his
ship, in order to block the electromagnetic disruption that keeps his
ship's computer from functioning. At the end of the story, he finds
himself inside a different sort of metal enclosure, in what seems to
be an alien zoo. He throws himself against the bars, and in the end,
dead or unconscious, he sees his father and his grandfather--the first
and second owners of his antique heirloom clock, the only equipment
that remained functional after the crash landing. Meanwhile his
computer equipment is once again functioning.

We have very little dialogue in this story (the man talks to himself
sporadically), only one character for much of the story, and very
little history on the character's mission or his life. We know that he
prefers solitude, is the son and grandson of men who never returned
from exploration missions, and was once in love with a woman who
couldn't take his long absences. This paring down of most of the
traditional elements of narrative presents an interesting challenge to
the writer, who has written a kind of science-fictional
update/reversal of Jack London's "To Light a Match." In this version,
instead of snow, we have clouds of ash and dust. Instead of failure
and death by freezing, this protagonist seems able to make the cage
that will allow him to locate food supplies and survive. And yet, in
the end, he has been trapped by aliens and is possibly dead.

In general, this story needs a thorough going-over to remove ellipses
and to take out some apostrophes--remember, "its" is possessive,
whereas "it's" is a contraction of "it is." We liked some of the
descriptions, such as the rather homely comparison of the aliens
touching the protagonist's ship to his mother testing the temperature
of a cooking pot. We were intrigued by the mention of his lover, and
the little pieces of information about his father and his
grandfather--perhaps more details about their disappearances would
make the protagonist's possible parallel fate more poignant. The image
of the protagonist's father and grandfather right before the very end
is haunting, while the list of communicator messages waiting in vain
for the protagonist leaves something to be desired as an ending. It's
a nice irony, but not as resonant.

Old Reliable, the heirloom clock, should be more fully
described---give its exact weight (which the protagonist knows),
describe the tone of its bell and the patina of its wood. It seems to
be a symbol of something greater than his inheritance of solitude and
disappearance, but even symbols--especially symbols--need to be
described concretely. Most of the editors were frustrated by not
knowing whether the protagonist was dead; if you flesh out his life a
bit more, perhaps you can be more mysterious about the status of his
health at the end.


SPECIAL FEATURE:  REVIEWS OF MARCH EC NOMINEES BY AUTHOR TERRY BROOKS

Del Rey's bestselling author Terry Brooks reviewed the March EC
nominees for the workshop as a special bonus for their authors.  Below 
are his reviews, which certainly don't pull any punches.  He makes some
interesting points, and his perspective as an author (rather than an editor) 
is somewhat different from the Editorial Board's.  His reviews are listed 
in the same order as the ECs and ECRUs in last month's newsletter.

DARKSIDE by S.K.S. Perry 

This is pretty well written, but I think it would work better with a
somewhat different tone and a better sense of tension and danger. As
it is, I don't feel any of that. Having the protagonist react to
everything as if it were a word game drains all of the tension right
out of the story. Wouldn't this guy be struggling a little with the
fact that he's dead, but seems alive to the living? I don't know about
his Eternal business either, but it seems to me he would be struggling
with that a bit, too. I kept wanting to call up and ask if this was
supposed to be a dark comedy as opposed to a dark adventure. If so, I
would change my critique. But it doesn't really seem all of one thing
or the other, so I will leave things as they are.  Once again, Where
is the conflict? Don't tell me this is another of those stories about
creatures from a parallel universe leaking into ours and taking over
the world. By the way, are there any ugly vampires left in the world?

SHIP, COLONY, PLANET, HOME by Sean O'Brien 

Terrible title. That said, the author has created an interesting
conflict between differing species in a space colony that suggests
some intriguing plot possibilities. I think the author is onto
something with the piece we have in hand, but his execution is flawed.
The transitions between scenes are too abrupt, and the scenes
themselves too short. We need to stay with the same character or
characters longer. Only the last scene, with Yallia setting fire to
Pem, works. Well, sort of--I don't like little girls setting fire to
little boys, but especially not when they are 3 and 4. Frankly, Yallia
seems older than that from her vocabulary and actions. Nor do I like
her reaction being so extreme with so little provocation. Jeez, I'd
hate to make a mistake with her! The unintended result is to channel
the reader's sympathies towards Pem rather than Yallia. I think the
author needs to redevelop that scene and make us feel sorrier for
Yallia than Pem. It will help if the revelation about Yallia's powers
comes after she has turned Pem to toast. As it reads, it is too talky
as well. We get dialogue with no action and no reaction to what's
being said. We need to see what the effect is on our characters--
internal monologue. Better description all around would help.

DOWN WHERE THE SERPENT SLEPT by Scott Anderson     

This was my favorite story. Even though the characters are Gods, they
felt human. I liked the extension of the Norse mythology and the
lessons that were taught. I particularly liked the power of the
ending, where the author doesn't tell us explicitly what is going to
happen, but lets us imagine it. Very good.  My only advice would be to
expand the separate sections and do more with description of place and
character. I think this story would work well in slightly longer form.

ORHPAN OF THE SAINT by Jennifer Majeske 

From what I have read, the back story is actually more interesting
than the front story. I like the idea of various members of a family
(tribe) having different powers that reveal themselves as the kids
grow. The Seahawk fledgling picking the brother over the sister sets
up the possibility for real conflict, but so far our author isn't
doing anything about it. The entire chapter, in fact, doesn't seem to
go anywhere. The short paragraphs don't help build a sense of place
and character either. We need to have longer paragraphs that spend
some time with our characters and let us learn something about them,
besides how they talk. The shift of POV on page eight from Meek to
Halecki is jarring and seems unnecessary; it could be done better. My
major question on finishing is, Where is the conflict in this story?
It had better be stronger than Meek not getting her bird.

THE RAINBOW DANCER by Tara Maya 

Some of the descriptions are pretty good, and the writing overall is
solid, but I have no idea what is going on in this story. Why does the
Deathsworn crave the dancer? Is he just hungry or is there something
more to his lust? Umbra would be a more scary and believable creation
if our writer remembered the old saw "show, don't tell." We get an
awful lot of dialogue on this thing prowling about, but no action to
back it up. That happened in the last chapter, I guess, but it makes
this one move awfully slowly. I don't know this for a fact, but the
author had better have shown Umbra killing the High Fae earlier. This
chapter would work better if we got some interaction between Umbra and
Dindi or some other dancer, so we could feel the menace instead of
just being told about it.  The sections on the dances seem unnecessary
in their present context.

NANO-GENESIS by Marla Anderson 

Let me start by saying that Chapter 3 is much stronger than Chapter 2.
The latter starts out with an intriguing conflict between church and
state, represented by Universal Church of Earth conscripts and Walker,
but it never goes anywhere. I don't think it's a good idea to make the
reader wait around for something to happen while shifting to a totally
different storyline; better to give them something right up front.
That is what happens in Chapter 3 with Cadmon, which is one reason
it's a better chapter. For the same reason, Walker is not as strongly
drawn as Cadmon. Maybe that's because the author actually shows the
reader something about Cadmon that lets us see how bad he is, but we
don't see anything about Walker--we just hear about him. Boring. That
said, I think both chapters would be stronger if we had been shown
something about the childhood Nereusian incident first. The conflict
between Merrick and Walker appears to be at the heart of the story, so
we need to feel and see it early on. That will help with the
subsequent confrontation between Cadmon and Walker, I hope.

FAIRYTALE by Patrick McGrath 

This prologue needs to accomplish more than it does. As written, it
leads nowhere. What we get are three crackers stumbling on a miniature
village of little people. So what? The inhabitants sting the crackers,
send them off to dreamland, erase their memories and dispatch them
back into the world of humans. Not much going on there. First off, it
would be stronger if the perspective was from one of the little
people, since I don't look for the crackers to be the main characters.
Second, I don't like the little people being so stupid that they would
allow their village to be discovered by this bumbling trio. I don't
get the impression that these little people are all that slow on the
uptake. If they can render intruders unconscious and erase their
memories, they ought to be able to do a better job of hiding their
village. The biggest problem is that the material gives us no insight
at all into who these little people are or what they are doing out in
the swamp. Reader cheater! The author needs to tell us something
important right off the bat or excise this section altogether.

A SMALL DIVERSION ON THE ROAD TO HELL by Jonathan Howard   

Our author has written a pretty good tale with an ending that lacks
punch. That is why he is being rejected. Everything leading up to the
final page is interesting, well-written and mysterious, but at the end
I found myself saying, Yeah, so what? The way the story is written, we
are expecting a real twist at the end, something that will knock our
socks off or cause us to smile broadly. That doesn't happen here. 
Worse, the failure of the ending diminishes the strengths of the
entire story. I think the author can do better. I think he must.

SALMON RUN by Bill O'Dea  
   
This story offers a terrific concept, a futuristic street sport
involving traffic and runners. I thought the author made it seem very
real and believable. I can see this happening sometime. The problem
with the story as it stands is that it doesn't go anywhere. It ends on
a false note, with Caesar choosing to stay with a wounded Amanda. Why?
Nothing we are told suggests he would do this, and nothing that
happens gives any reason why that should change.  A short story's
ending needs to evoke emotion or thought. It needs a surprise or a
revelation. It needs some punch. I would offer a different ending, one
in which our Caesar stands torn between staying and leaving, between
breaking away from the sport to which Vicki says he is addicted to and
giving himself over to it because for him it is important than a human
life. I would precede all this with some indication earlier that
Caesar is waffling on the matter.


| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

This month's reviewer MVP is Melinda Kimberly.  We're sending her a
copy of previous workshop member Cecilia Dart-Thornton's new novel,
THE ILL-MADE MUTE, which was an Editors' Choice long ago.  It is
adorned with an OWW bookplate signed by Cecilia.  Congratulations,
Melinda!

We list in the Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop the people who
have given useful, insightful reviews that have been appreciated by
the authors.  After all, that's what makes the workshop go, and we
want to give great reviewers a little well-earned recognition from the
workshop community.   In the newsletter we list reviewer names and
submissions reviewed; on the site we also include comments from the
submission's author.  Most months we also award a prize to one or 
more special reviewers.  If you've received a review you really
appreciated and would like to the reviewer to appear in the Reviewer
Honor Roll, just use our online honor-roll nomination form at 
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml or e-mail 
support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com the following information:

Name of the reviewer
Title of the submission reviewed and author (your name)
Any comments you have on why the review was so helpful

This month's honor roll:

Amy Alward, reviewing EPIPHANY OF THE GODS, Ch. 6, by Matthew Fanetti
John Borneman, reviewing SAND CITY by Laura Fischer
Lisa Clardy, reviewing KYLADA, all chapters, by Penelope Hardy
Bonnie Freeman, reviewing WORD OF BORED, Ch.s 4-7 by Wing-Keong Loke
Will Greenway, reviewing HOTWIRED & SOUL RIDER by Allie Davidson
Jenny Majeske, reviewing THE MINES OF ARTURUS, Ch. 1, by Robert 
Richardson
Tara Maya, reviewing WORD OF BORED, Ch.s 4-7 by Wing-Keong Loke
Tara Maya, reviewing various submissions by Deanna Hoak
Kishma Danielle Morales, reviewing STARFALL, Ch. 12 by Bonnie Freeman
Charlie Obler, reviewing TRIUMPH OF THE TRIUMVIRATE, Ch. 1, by Steve 
Kornic 
Edita Petrick, reviewing MISTRESS OF CALISTAR, Ch. 36, by Jennifer E. 
MacMillan
Edita Petrick, reviewing THIEVES AND ASSASSINS, Part 1, by Rene Claveau
Dan Strong, reviewing CYBERDROME: EMERGENT BEHAVIOR (all chapters) 
by W. Joseph Rhea

More details and specific praise can be found at: 
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml


| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

Congratulations to our members who have recently made sales or
garnered other honors of various sorts!  ("DROWW" is the original Del 
Rey workshop, 3/99-9/00.)  The latest news is listed
below.  Our complete online Hall of Fame is at 
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/halloffame.shtml

Members won two Sime~Gen Reviewer's Choice Awards recently: 
Keri Arthur won for DANCING WITH THE DEVIL and Chris (C.E.)
Barrett won for ANGELS AMONG US. (http://www.simegen.com)

Kate Bachus has sold her short story "Shoes" to BEST WOMEN'S EROTICA
2002.  Though it wasn't workshopped, Kate credits a few workshop
members with helping her improve the story privately.

A J Brown has published his book A CALL TO FIRE with No Spine
(http://www.NoSpine.com), an electronic self-publishing venture for
authors of poetry, fiction, and nonfiction.  The first chapter was
workshopped with us.

Mark Fewell's short story "The Wizard of Beer" appears in the BUBBAS
OF THE APOCALYPSE anthology from Yard Dog Press
(http://www.yarddogpress.com), available via Amazon at
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1893687163/o/qid=989961870/sr=2-2/103-9625796-7077467

Jonathan L. Howard, author of April's short-story EC runner-up "A
Small Diversion on the Road to Hell," has a story titled "Between the
River and the Road" in the June 2001 issue of _Realms of Fantasy_.

Renee Nagel has been made an associate fiction editor for _Pleiades: A
Journal of New Writing_ (winner of the 2001 Pushcart/Best of the
American Small Press Prize).

Marguerite Reed, an EC winner for THE HORSES OF ACHILLES (October
2000)is currently the Guest Science Fiction Editor at Ideomancer
(http://www.ideomancer.com).

Jesse White sold his short story "Loyalty" to Vancouver, BC, print
magazine _Obsidian Rose_. The story was workshopped several times and
received helpful reviews.

| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

Number of members as of 5/20: 3858 
Number of submissions currently online: 1609
Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 68.61%
Percent of submissions with zero reviews: 0.62%

Number of submissions in April: 1002
Number of reviews in April: 4549
Ratio of reviews/submissions in April: 4.54
Estimated average word count per review in April: 335

Number of submissions in May to date: 569
Number of reviews in May to date: 2594
Ratio of reviews/submissions in May to date: 4.56
Estimated average word count per review in May to date: 3.64


| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

TIP: CONVERTING ITALICS IN MS WORD SO THEY APPEAR ONLINE

Here is how to easily convert the italics (or underline) in a
submission into HTML, for Microsoft Word users:

Before you post, go to Edit in Word. Click on Replace, and be sure the
More button is clicked. Click in the Find window, go to Format, click
on Font, and choose Italics (or single underline, if that's what
you've used for italics).  Now click in the Replace window. Type a
less-than character, I, and a greater-than character, then click on
Special and select Find What Text. Now type a less-than character, /I,
and a greater-than character (no commas and no spaces between
anything). Choose Replace All. Now your italics will show up on the
workshop!

TIP: ADDING INDENTED PARAGRAPHS TO YOUR SUBMISSION

To indent by any number of spaces at the beginning of your paragraph,
just use a handy HTML tag: first type an ampersand (&) and then type
"nbsp;" (this stands for "non-breaking space" and will add one space).
To cause the line to do a paragraph jump and add five spaces on the
first line, add a paragraph tag (less-than character, P, greater-than
character) and five non-breaking space tags in a row at the front of
the first line of your new paragraph.  This will start a new paragraph
and indent five spaces.

To do this all automatically in MS Word go to Edit and Replace. Make
sure that your cursor is in the "Find What" box. Click on the button
called "More."  Click on the Special button and select Paragraph Mark.
Now move the cursor to the "Replace With" box. Click on the Special
button and select Paragraph Mark. Repeat this if you want two spaces
between paragraphs. Then cut and paste (or type in) five non-breaking
space tags.

Now click "Replace All." If you get very industrious you can create a
macro in Word to add HTML italics tags, indent your paragraphs and
double space between paragraphs, all with one command.

(Thanks to member John Borneman for these formatting tips.)

TIP: CHARACTER INTRODUCTIONS

A very amateurish plotting device is the attempt to build up interest
in a new character by what I call the "dirty phone call" syndrome. One
type of "phone sex" service is just a recorded message that you pay by
the minute to listen to.  These notorious for their waffling
introductions, which may go on for several minutes, like this: 

First voice: "Oh, oh...I just can't BEGIN to tell you what Josie was
getting up to today...it's just...well I just don't know where to
begin!" Second voice: "Huh! YOU can talk!! I just never...IMAGINED
that you could be such a slut! I-I-I'm TRULY lost for words..." First
voice: "Oh come on! I was NOWHERE NEAR as filthy as you were today!"
etc. The unlucky caller usually hangs up in disgust, never really
hearing anything particularly exciting, but having been successfully
fleeced of a number of dollars. Unfortunately, much the same technique
shows up in the character development of a lot of beginning writers!
You get something like:

"Karen was sitting quietly sipping her coffee when the tinkle of the
door announced that someone had just come in. She glanced up and her
face froze in horror. It was HIM! Oh God...no! NO! But HOW?! It just
wasn't possible. Of all the coffee shops in the Betelgeuse system why
did he have to come in HERE?! She tried to hide her face from the
door. I thought it was finished! I thought he was out of my life for
good!" etc. without describing the character.

What the author is essentially saying is: "Now pay attention folks,
'cause this character is really, REALLY interesting. Trust me."
without ever getting round to telling us WHY we should be interested. 
The author is essentially trying to build a character "on credit."
Unfortunately, just as with a credit card, at some point you're going
to have to pay up, and you'd better be able to do it.

In the above example, there should have been more clues as to what had
gone on between these two. If it was a doomed romance, there should
have been something about his flashing brown eyes or gorgeous wavy
hair. If it was a physical conflict, she should have glanced uneasily
at the scars on her right arm.  Unfortunately, you can't ORDER the
reader to find a character interesting, you have to find a way to MAKE
the character interesting.

(Thanks to member Helena Szczepaniak for this writing tip.)

TIPS APPRECIATED

Got a helpful tip for your fellow members?  A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission?  Or a writing tip? Share it with us and if we agree it's 
useful we'll publish it in the next newsletter.  Just send it to 
support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com and we'll do the rest.

See you next month!

The Del Rey Digital Writing Workshop for Science Fiction and Fantasy
delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com

| - - Copyright 2001 Online Writing Workshops, LLC - - - - - - - - -|

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