O | The Del Rey Digital Writing Workshop Newsletter, October 2001
W | delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!
| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
- Workshop Partner Information
- Workshop News:
Anne McCaffrey comments on August EC nominees
Review point update
Changes in review length requirements
The latest Member Challenge
New tool for writers
Reminders for new members
- Editors' Choices for September submissions
- Guest Editor Anne McCaffrey's comments on August EC nominees
- Reviewer Honor Roll and reviewer prize
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Feedback:
Poll: no points for reviews under 25 words?
Tips from members (and others)
| - - WORKSHOP PARTNER INFORMATION - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Online Writing Workshops's partnership with Del Rey Books continues
through March 5, 2002, making membership in the workshop free to all.
Visit the Del Rey Books Web site for sample chapters of upcoming
books, in-depth features, author interviews, special offers, and more:
http://www.randomhouse.com/delrey
Del Rey's featured title for October/November:
THE BEST ALTERNATE HISTORY STORIES OF THE TWENTIETH CENTURY, edited by
Harry Turtledove
Explore fascinating, often chilling "what if" accounts of the world
that could have existed--and still might yet--as science fiction's
most illustrious and visionary authors hold forth in the ultimate
alternate history collection. Includes stories by Kim Stanley
Robinson, Ward Moore, Greg Bear, Larry Niven, Bruce Sterling and Lewis
Shiner, Poul Anderson, Gregory Benford, Jack L. Chalker, Nicholas A.
DiChario, Brad Linaweaver, William Sanders, Susan Shwartz, Allen
Steele, and Harry Turtledove himself!
Read an excerpt at:
http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=0345439902&view=excerpt
| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
ANNE McCAFFREY COMMENTS ON AUGUST EC NOMINEES
See the Editors' Choice section for bestselling author Anne
McCaffrey's comments on the August Editors' Choice nominees.
REVIEW POINT UPDATE
Starting September 1, new submissions to the workshop began to "cost"
four review points instead of three. We made this change to increase
the overall ratio of reviews per submission, and here are the results.
In June and August, the reviews-per-submission ratio was 3.81 and
3.81. (July's ratio was higher thanks to the July Crit Marathon
arranged by Pen Hardy.) In September and October so far, the ratios
were 4.37 and 4.38--an increase of over half a review per submission,
on average. We like this increase, because it's good for authors,
especially those on the low end of the number-of-reviews spectrum who
don't yet have a group of reviewers who look out for their work.
CHANGES IN REVIEW LENGTH REQUIREMENTS
Starting today, reviewers who submit reviews of 50 words or fewer will
get a "that's not good enough" message before their review is
finalized, and a chance to go back and add to the review (plus
pointers for what to add). Before today, the "that's not good enough"
message only appeared for reviews of 25 words or fewer. We've made
this change to encourage more substantive reviews. We are also
considering withholding review points for reviews shorter than 25 or
50 words, but would rather not do that because we realize that some
reviewers give good feedback in very few words. Thoughts? Share them
with us at support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com
THE LATEST MEMBER CHALLENGE
Some core members of the workshop have begun a monthly writing
challenge, open to all, in which writers submit stories or scenes on a
particular topic. Past topics have included pain, love, death, and
music. The October challenge is to write a story from the
antagonist's point of view; the November challenge hasn't been decided
on yet. For rules and how-to information, see a page maintained by a
member: http://www.thermeon.net/checkered/Challenge.html Basically,
just submit a piece on the current month's theme, put "Challenge" in
your title so other challenge participants can find it, and give at
least brief reviews to as many other challenge entrants as you can).
Search for titles containing "Challenge" to see some of the challenge
entries. We at OWW think this is great, but we aren't in charge. For
more information and to participate in choosing the challenge topics,
join the Writing discussion list
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/oww-sff-writing).
NEW TOOL FOR WRITERS
Simon Haynes, workshop member and author of both SF novel HAL
SPACEJOCK and the writer's tool Sonar (for tracking submissions) has a
new piece of software designed to help authors put a book together:
yWriter. Authors can load in text files (snippets, paragraphs, ideas,
etc) and work on them all from one central location as the project
takes shape, via a built-in basic text editor. More information and
downloads: http://www.spacejock.com
REMINDERS FOR NEW MEMBERS
If you also write horror or dark fantasy, join our horror workshop;
it's at http://horror.onlinewritingworkshop.com and works the same
way as this workshop. You'll need to create a separate membership
for that workshop; your member ID and password from this workshop
will not get you in there. (But you can choose the same ID and
password there as here, if you like.)
Adding your picture to the member directory: your picture must be
stored on a different Web server. Make sure that server allows access
from other servers--some don't. Your picture URL must start with
"http://", the URL is case-sensitive (e.g., don't use uppercase if the
file is named in lowercase) and it must be no bigger than 200 x 200
pixels.
Using the "append text" form: you need to submit your first chunk of
text via the regular submission form before you follow the link to the
"append text" form and submit the rest.
| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Editors' Choices are the submissions from the previous month that
show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of our
Editorial Board. Each gets a composite review by the Board, which is
published on the site and in the newsletter. We usually pick one
fantasy chapter or partial chapter, one SF chapter or partial chapter,
and one short story. (The volume of short stories is much less than
that of chapters, so we're not going to pick a fantasy story and an SF
story each month unless that imbalance changes. Mixed SF/F chapters
will be considered under whichever category seems to predominate in
the submission.) We also list two runners-up in each category, with
our comments.
To view Editors' Choices on the workshop, go to the submission list
and click on "Editors' Choices" in the Submission Selector. Six
months of ECs will be archived there, with their editorial reviews.
Our Editorial Board:
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/editorialboard.shtml
In order to make sure that some of our most professional
members don't take too much attention away from other deserving
writers, we've decided that novels will be ineligible for EC
consideration if they have been chosen as previous ECs in any
six-month period (January-June and July-December). Runner-ups will
not be subject to this rule. So if a chapter of your novel has been
an EC, we won't put future chapters of it into the nomination process
for a while--but if those chapters are of EC/runner-up quality, we
will be acknowledging them briefly just to be fair.
Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors and runners
up!
Editors' Choice, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: TE KORE by Masayo
Ari Arita
A different culture, nicely evoked, though some of us found the style
a little flat. This chapter has the beginnings of an idea. Nice
description of the people, their dwellings, and the jungle. The sense
of place and time are fine, and the dialogue is good. The chapter
seems to stop rather than end, though.
The prose could use some tightening and attention to grammatical
detail, as in: "Pane blanched when he recognized Tuhikara the village
expert on the supernatural and positively knew that something
unearthly was afoot." That is a clumsily wrought sentence. There are
lots of comma problems here! The subject of a sentence does not need
to be followed by a comma.
Pane's brother's name is given several times as Matua, twice as Mauta.
The word "retarded" seems out of place in this generally
well-described culture.
Pane enters the Wharenui and looks around. Then we're told: "'Shush,'
said his mother, sitting next to him." When did he sit down?
The scene where Pane tries to fool his brother and is almost drowned
for his efforts is effective and scary. We'd read on, but would hope
for improvement in grammatical and punctuation skills. Keep working on
it. There is something here.
Editors' Choice, SF chapter/partial chapter: THE HORSES OF ACHILLES,
Ch. 3 by Marguerite Reed
Good story and writing. Good sense of time and place. The characters
and the world were interesting and well defined. The voice of the
narrator was solid and well-envisioned, and the dialogue was good. The
child is nicely drawn with several convincing parent-child
interactions. And the opening section is very nice--an evocative
scene of the arrival on a new planet, with quite a few fine phrases
that capture the intensity of such a moment. We're not sure if we're
meant to catch the reference to "the low C played by an orchestra at
the beginning of a famous viddie from hundreds of years ago." Many
won't.
A quibble: It's hard to believe a group of adults would be unfamiliar
with the danger of staring directly into the sun, no matter how moved
they are. Perhaps find another way to show that they were caught up in
the moment.
Vashti comes across as someone who doesn't like anyone except her
daughter. Yet despite the narrative's assertions to the contrary, she
is often harsh and annoyed with her child, too. Otherwise she was
likeable and we were curious to see what she was going to do. Why does
she do these hunts if she thinks all her clients are idiots? And why
does she have any clients? We found it difficult to believe that the
same person who could so deeply identify with all life in her
neighborhood, her town, and her world, would spend her time killing
animals on safari with the wealthy. Also, the political aspect needs
to be either punched up or gotten rid of. There are too many different
threads going on. The author needs to choose which she is going to
focus on and do that.
We stumbled on a few odd phrases, for example: "Safely tacked to
the wall of your relative's wall." Huh?
Watch the references to earlier times. Example: when Malaga tells the
narrator, "This is not Eden. . .You are not Uriel," and she replies
"No. . .I am Michael." Are we supposed to believe that these two
individuals are extremely well-read or that everyone would be familiar
with those references four or five hundred years from now? Similarly,
some of the conversation with Seraph seemed a bit too
contemporary/rock star-ish. ("The colonel there took us to the RT
firing range and let us rock out.") This becomes jarring when
juxtaposed with phrases such as "My slick thought it would be a good
idea if the band dropped planetside to me-greet..." Perhaps a more
consistent use of invented slang would be more believable.
An entertaining, professionally written entry with an interesting
protagonist and a generally well-realized sense of time and place.
We'd read on.
Editors' Choice, short story: "Sleeping, Waking, Nightfall" by Amber
van Dyk
This story has the polished density of a prose poem. While one editor
would have been happy to swap style for a more traditional narrative,
others were pleased to see a story that wasn't the usual sort of
thing. And in this case, form and voice very much suited the
storyline: the unusual and sensory-rich language very much suggests
someone whose rhythms and patterns aren't entirely human. The title of
the story becomes a repeated structure into which the story is then
divided: sleeping, waking, and nightfall. Like a sestina or a
villanelle, the story is beautifully shaped by repeated phrases and
words and variations on those words and phrases: "musk and cinnamon";
"coin"; "coin on the dry earth"; "talking of coins and purses"; "I am
five coins in a fountain; "the moon falls from the sky"; "the sky is
falling."
The hints of fairytale and mythology, werewolves and huts with chicken
feet, and women who steal men's breath, are all the stronger because
they aren't exactly the way we've read them in other stories. They
seem truer because they are stranger.
It might give a bit more emotional resonance to the story if the
narrator was thinking of her grandmother and life with her as she is
kept chained by the men. Variations on the Little Red Riding Hood myth
could also fit in here. After all, there's a man, a grandmother, and a
wolf, and a rescue. Little pieces of fairytale go a long way.
If the style and language of this story weren't so compelling, it
wouldn't work at all. Keeping this in mind, there are a few places
where the words don't seem quite right, or where they are confusing
instead of perfectly strange. "Delicate papery hands that
strengthened" may need a different verb. "The woman known as wife"
doesn't quite sound right, perhaps because it hasn't been repeated
enough. (It also seems as if stealing a woman's breath might give the
narrator pause, because of the gender division in the story--all the
other women are wolfish, and the men are their captors/prey. A bit
more reflection on the wife's death--maybe something comparing her to
the narrator's own Grandmother--would satisfy this complaint.) "There
are so many stories based on truth" seems awkward. Simpler is better:
"There are so many true stories." "Force the horses into strange
positions" is at least initially puzzling to the reader. "He was
barely touched by age and time" is one of those poetic lines that ends
up sounding trite, although it does make a nice echo to "the passing
of a woman worn through by age and time."
The twist at the end is wonderful. Perhaps if it's clear that the
women and the narrator are waiting for "nightfall" to pull down the
men, the narrator imagining what will happen then, it would provide
the resolution to the shape and repetitions of the story and title
words.
Runner Up, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: THE ROGUE OF FLORNEA,
Ch. 1 by Christopher Johnstone
This is a fun, cute read, a bit like a Regency in style. A little
exaggerated at times, but breezy and energetic enough. The prose
starts off in an overly ornate style that is sometimes difficult to
thread through. The author seems to be trying for a sweeping epic
fantasy, but some of us were unable to get interested in the intrigue
presented here, perhaps because we found the characters thinly drawn.
We suggest that you make a choice about language in your narrative.
Either use the vernacular or elevated language, but a mix of both is
jarring. Sentences need to be pared down, and there are many
redundancies, such as the phrase "anxious agitation."
Pay attention to tense and avoid interjecting comments about the
protagonist's character: "Matthias crept forward, staying behind some
sheltering ferns. It says something of Matthias's personal history
that he did not immediately think - highwaymen."
Avoid a tendency to drag things out. The scene with the two bounty
hunters ends on a weak note: "In the name of all creation, how the
hell did he know that it wasn't loaded?" The fact that he did was a
nice way to let the reader know that the bounty hunter was an expert
with firearms and that Matthias is perhaps less of one. Belaboring it
ruins the effect. "After a moment of consideration Matthias shrugged
and gave the two riders up as one of life's mysteries." This would
have been an okay place to end the section.
Some nitpicks: "Matthias dismissed them as speeded couriers. . ."
What does "speeded couriers" mean? A road leads through a thicket of
woods "made dark and incense-scented by the encroaching night." What
is it that makes the woods "incense-scented"? We're introduced to a
particular portrait of a young woman, "dressed all in white."
Thereafter the woman is referred to as The Grey Lady. Why?
The interaction between Matthias and Blanchard is intended to be
humorous, but strikes a wrong note, especially when the servant
actually blocks the other man's way to demand a tip, and then sneers
at how little he receives. Would the de Challoners actually
countenance such behavior toward an invited guest? Would Matthias let
such behavior pass without comment?
This is a rather rambling story that could be tightened and sharpened.
With a little fine-tuning, Matthias could be presented as clever
rogue, though he seems more of a drunken liar in this passage. At this
point, most of us probably wouldn't read on, because we don't yet care
what happens to him.
Runner Up, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: RED CHAOS, Ch. 2 by
Melissa Dennis
There was dissension in the ranks over this excerpt. One editor
commented, "Nice fantasy. Good build to whatever is going to happen
next. I got a very strong sense of time, place, and the village. Good
use of magic. I liked the character of Daemon. I liked how peoples'
attitudes changed to him over time." One of us liked the sense of
practical realities with which this village is struggling (how to
school their children when they need the children as field hands).
However, most of us weren't captured by the story or the character,
and found the writing weak, even though "some of the imagery is well
painted, evocative (particularly the dream sequences)." A
contradictory set of reactions for the author to try to reconcile!
But we all agree that the chapter needs work. Here are some of our
suggestions and observations:
The chapter begins with an infodump that sets us up to hear about
Daemon's accomplishments over the past two years, then suddenly
deposits us in the middle of a scene without making good on its
promise.
There are lots of comma mistakes, and passages that read more like
outlines than prose. Watch the use of cute names with characters.
We also noted odd changes in dialogue, formal/archaic followed by
colloquial/modern: "'Pardon?' 'Not, milord, Connor. I'm a warrior not
a mage.'" "'I kind of figured the warrior part." There were a few of
those types of jarring colloquialisms. It's also jarring when Daemon
reaches into his cupboard and pulls out "a high-energy bar." All the
comforts of modern life!
An example of the awkward writing that typifies this piece: "Reaching
a hand up, he pushed the sweat dampened and tangled mass out of his
face. He sat in the dark, praying that what just happened was just a
dream, a foretelling of things to come, after several deep breathes he
felt ready to stand." 1. It might be wise to identify the damp and
tangled mass as his own hair. 2. Which does he want it to be--a dream
or a foretelling of things to come? (Or does he just want it not to be
reality?) 3. The comma between "come" and "after" needs to be a
period. 4. "Breathes" should be "breaths."
Another troubled sentence-like construction: "The speech shocked
Daemon, not only had he never heard Graeme speak more than two
sentences at once, but to hear such concise words of praise about
still the beating of his heart." This is not a sentence.
Various nitpicks: One of Daemon's dreams--the one where white flames
dance--seems to go on and on, far beyond what someone would be
expected to remember. Several of the characters are introduced and
then discarded. We became confused as to who was important and who
wasn't. Daemon wonders if his dream was the "imaginings of an
over-active, under-sexed mind." That's contradictory. Dulca smiles
and sketches a blessing over Daemon's head. Yet till that moment
there's been no hint that she was more than a disembodied voice in his
mind.
As the author herself says in her comments, "This is very rough. I
have put down the ideas, but need some help in polishing them."
Runner Up, science fiction chapter/partial chapter: THE LONG JUMP
RIGGER AND THE KILLING ANGEL By Gemma Files and Stephen J. Barringer
Also a strong excerpt, perhaps as strong as this month's Editors'
Choice, with one exception: the nomenclature. We all had trouble with
the alien names and the multiple ways of using them. If you're going
to inundate your reader with this many made-up words, names, and
phrases, at least restrain yourself from making so many of them nearly
impossible to pronounce! Making the Aliens very alien is gutsy, _but_
they still have to be accessible to the reader. Alien name-calling and
swear words are all well and good, but it felt as though the authors
were being clever at the expense of the story. This is a pity,
because there are some good ideas here, and a fairly good story. One
solution would be to use these inventions more sparingly in the
narrative. This is a novel--presumably there'll be plenty of time to
introduce more words as the book progresses. Another suggestion: since
the Vra undoubtedly have their own alphabet, these are all just
English transliterations of their speech as it would sound to human
ears. In that case, why not be a bit kinder to your audience and
accept that most humans probably would hear the Vra words and names in
much simpler form than you've chosen to present them here? End of rant.
A decent opening, though (as the protagonist observes of the girl's
reaction to his scars) also a "pretty typical" one. The passages that
follow are more compelling, and much of this chapter is really
enjoyable. We found the all-alien sections the most interesting,
followed by the human-alien interactions. The scenes between Keller
and the girl were the most prosaic.
Some truly cool moments, as in the passage that follows:
"Through the pod's upper membrane, grown periodically porous to gather
pollution readings, Keller watched a time-lapse ad--for the same
skimmer company that kept his credit disk level high--bloom on a
stormcloud's underside, flare, and dissipate."
Nice description of Long Jump Jacking while Keller dreams. Lots of
great alien touches.
But how old is Anried? It's difficult to tell.
In general, a professionally written entry that alternates between
engrossing and extremely frustrating. We'd read on, but if we had to
slog through many more unpronounceable Vra words, we might not read on
very far.
Runner Up, science fiction chapter/partial chapter: START TIME, Ch. 1
by Larry Singer
The writing in this piece was OK; cute and easy to read. All of us
found the Jewish characters stereotyped and cliched, and a few of us
found the extent of the cariacature offensive enough that we were
unwilling to read more. Lines like: "Murray turned to Hyman, 'You'd
better be right about him not being married'" seem like padding and
could be pruned. One editor suggests: "If this author is seriously
thinking about this as a real book, he needs to take some time and
rethink how he presents his place and time. A little research into how
people and things _really_ were in that time might help."
Fine opening, though it's difficult to get a sense from this chapter
how it's going to work as part of a novel.
The author says there's a Prologue in which we find out that Joel has
vanished. The story reads just fine opening with Chaper 1, so a
prologue may be unnecessary, as they so often are.
There's enough here to sustain interest at least till Joel wakes up
and and we can get some sense of where the author is going with his
premise. Whether or not Joel is an engaging protagonist (if he indeed
becomes one of the protagonists) could make all the difference in our
continued interest in the situation.
An amusing piece, somewhat cliched in characterisation, that read more
like the germ of a story than the germ of a novel.
Runner Up, short story: GOD'S REST by Justin Elliot
This story was alternately a great deal of fun because of its vivid,
funny details, and frustrating because of a lack of attention to rules
of grammar and spelling, the use of words like "peace" for "piece"
("here" for "hear", "loose" for "lose"), and downright awkward
sentences. Fortunately, the problems with the story are easily
fixable, while the good bits are extremely good. It also had a nice,
seemingly rambling narrative that never quite ended up where a reader
might expect, and yet managed to satisfy several interwoven storylines
in an extremely organic and tidy fashion.
First of all, it is our fervent hope that some nice person will send
the author a copy of Strunk and White (or perhaps Karen Elizabeth
Gordon's THE DELUXE TRANSITIVE VAMPIRE and THE NEW WELL-TEMPERED
SENTENCE). Possessive nouns need apostrophes, two sentences can't be
joined willy-nilly with a comma, and once the author has fixed those
sentences, he can use the comma instead to patch up utterances like
"Now is the last chance to withdraw Rarg." The dialogue sometimes
sounds a bit clunky or forced, but an author capable of such deft,
funny lines like "It says 'Though [sic] shalt not commit adultery on
any night nor day in the harvesting month, unless it is with you[r]
brother's spouse, and she is wearing nothing but a sprig of hemlock in
her hair and your name is Arthur, in which case have fun.[']" Like
Terry Pratchett, the author knows to follow a funny line with an even
funnier one, like "...it is amazing how many...change their name to
Arthur during the harvest...both men and women." There are several
places in the story that would be even better for similar elaborations
(such as the party and "exotic events" that go on in God's Rest--go
on, tell us some of the rumors about these exotic events.)
In general, plain clean language and tight noun-verb-object sentence
construction is funnier, because it gets the joke or the pun across
sooner. Lines like "Like the advance of a massive glacier a look of
childish glee slowly invaded Rarg's normally placid face. Immortal
muscles strained and groaned in their effort to pull off this new
expression that their master was trying" work too hard and end up
being more forced than punchy. Being funny requires that you hone your
sentences until they are sharp as Phyllon's knives. Similarly,
dialogue sounds much more natural if you use contractions.
Of the three gods with whom we begin and end the story, Morthos the
Ignored is the funniest (although his dialect is, perhaps
intentionally, painfully bad). Rarg's smiting is funny enough, but
Phyllon never comes quite clear. Similarly, the Unnamed One's cheat
doesn't seem quite clever/elaborate enough (there's no punchline to
it), and pinning the challenge to the board seems an odd and arbitrary
way to summon another god. The period that they stand around waiting
around the door for the Unnamed One to show up is an awkward bit of
writing. Perhaps if you described their surroundings a bit more, it
would ground the story. Similarly, are there many worlds, or just one
world that all the gods share? Why does winning a game from the
Unnamed One win Rarg a Creation Right? (Creation Right, by the way,
doesn't sound right.) Why does Rarg teleport? (That's a particularly
science-fictional sounding word.)
The joke about the Unnamed One might be funnier if he's actually seven
years old rather than seven millennia. Perhaps he collects the eyes
like a small child collects marbles.
Still, the end, where Morthos the Ignored realizes that no one will
stop him from getting into God's Rest, is a particularly funny, and
unexpected payoff. Clean up your prose, and this story might sneak
into a magazine some day.
Runner Up, short story: THE WELL by Kevin Jones
We thought this story was well-written, and genuinely spooky in
places. But in the end, there wasn't enough of the narrator or the
other character, Richard, to give the story a needed gravity. The
Berry and the Well seem to have much more presence than the characters
do, and while this can be a successful technique (Ramsey Campbell and
Robert Aickman come to mind), we still need a bit more detail at least
about the outward daily life of the narrator. How old is he? He seems
to live with someone--his parents? A wife? Are there children? He
doesn't necessarily need to be named, but a job or a set of specific
habits or a family seems absolutely required. We get lots of
generalities about childhood habits (and some specifics) but almost
nothing about his present life. When he grew up, what did he
become--in the context of the story, it seems as if he only lost
things. This is in one sense, a story about hollow spaces, but even
hollow spaces have to be constructed.
Desperate for clues, the reader notices the three bikes in the
narrator's garage. Details like this are exactly what are needed: we
just need more of them. Even details about the character's
relationships with their dogs would suffice--the dogs are present at
the beginning of the story, and then fall away. At the end, when the
narrator meets Richard's mother, perhaps she should be walking
Richard's dog (perhaps the dog could even be straining at the leash,
trying to get towards or away from the Berry.) It also seems like a
bit of a wasted opportunity when both of the men show up at night at
the Well without their dogs.
In terms of writing, try to use stronger verb construction, at least
most of the time. "We dug pits to make traps along paths. We planted
tripwires. Rivalries sprung up and were forgotten before the week was
out. The older kids warred against the younger kids..." etc, is
tighter, less sleepy-sounding than the present, looser construction.
When the narrator goes back to the Well, watch out for overly
melodramatic writing, such as the single paragraph "Until tonight."
And some of the italicized internal dialogue seems far too
melodramatic, specifically the reference to the coward part, and the
"screaming" (used more than once) thoughts--although some if it, such
as the repeated line "Breeze and mud," is very nice.
Another small detail: when the narrator says Richard "was looking into
the hole with fear remembered in his eyes" that sounds a bit awkward,
and since the light is behind Richard, the narrator wouldn't be able
to see his eyes anyway. And the narrator's thought, "We used to think
it was bottomless, didn't we?" should just be a line of
dialogue--there's no point in having Richard seemingly read his mind.
On the other hand, it's a nice swap where each character seems to have
assumed the other's childhood fear: the narrator hearing and feeling
the exhalation that Richard remembers, while Richard falls into the
bottomless hole that the narrator imagined as a child. And the longer
the scene goes on, the more wonderfully scary the Well becomes.
In the end, the narrator's repeated remarks that he and Richard had
never really been friends as children seems intentionally
disingenuous. All the way through the story, there seems to be a sort
of leftover childhood rivalry or enmity between them, which could be
teased out of the backstory a bit more. (Just a bit more would do.
Hints and pieces of history can work in the same way as the Well does.
Give us a shadow, and our imaginations will do the rest.)
The return of the narrator to the morning after Richard has been taken
by the Well is a nice touch. And while what he sees, ordinary and
mundane, seems exactly right and satisfying, the very last line of the
story strikes the wrong tone. It sounds as if he has conquered
something, when really, he has run away and betrayed an acquaintance.
Give us something stronger, in the same vein as the beautiful
sentence, "The Berry confronted me, but where it had always been a
comforting sight it was now something dark and vicious; a thorn for
every finger, a tree root for every toe, a Well for every child."
SPECIAL FEATURE: COMMENTS ON AUGUST EC NOMINEES BY AUTHOR ANNE McCAFFREY
Del Rey's bestselling author Anne McCaffrey commented on the August EC
nominees for the workshop as a special bonus for their authors. Below
are her brief remarks on each nominee.
Fantasy Chapters:
HONEYSUCKLE SHADE is well-written. I was curious so I read on...
curiosity is a good reader hook. The black/white connection was well
done and I've met rednecks like the Roundman--his kind deserve to be
shown for what they are. So what _is_ in the Black Pond?
MY RIGHT ARM is well written but coming in on Chapter 2 leaves me
wondering what I missed...which is good. I happen to like
Paksennarion-type role-switching. This author is going about it the
right way, I think. A good romance is hard to write--but such fun to
read. Cassis is okay in the beginnning...it's how he shapes up that
will be important. The author could give him another trait, not
necessarily an endearing one, but something not usually found in this
type of romantic adventure.
A GODLESS SANCTUARY: Well, it is out of the ordinary but I could wish
the child had a better name than "Sanctuary"--personal prejudice
against such names. It took me a long time to get accustomed to
Rhapsody in another recent very good fantasy novel, and I never did
like Raymond Feist's choice in his series but it didn't hurt the
popularity. Maybe it's just personal thing with me. I collect names
and, often, one will just pop out of the list when I need a character.
Science Fiction Chapters:
SOUL SURVIVERS: As a start of a post-holocaust novel, particularly
after Sept. 11, this could be interesting...but I've read similar
beginnings before. Still, you have to start and lay your groundwork
and the author's done this. The writing was well done.
GARDEN: I found this more interesting than THE TRANSFINITE ARCANUM but
less so than SOUL SURVIVERS...as I call the shots.
THE TRANSFINITE ARCANUM: I don't see Harry Potter in this yarn at all.
In fact, it's one of those allegorical type stories that generally go
right over my head and annoy me, but he writes well...and the violent
bits are properly gooshy. This is more Pullman than Rowling.
Short Stories:
The best of the short stories was "Victory's Tears," which I liked
except I can't figure out how the title applies to the yarn. How Very
Foot gets out of his pursuit made me grin. Smart of the author to
watch the speech tags. Jim Blish once told me I had a bad case of
Said=Bookism, which I have always kept in mind. Learning that lesson
is a prime one for any writer. I think this might well sell.
"A Story of Christmas" is also well written and I think it's going to
be a longer tale, to come to its point. I like things with
communication skills anyway but the old sex-bias will have a twist to
it, I hope, since the author seems to be setting that up...I'd just
love the twist to be real original.
I didn't much like "And Rites of Blood."
| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop recognizes members who
have given useful, insightful reviews. After all, that's what makes
the workshop go, so we want to give great reviewers a little
well-earned recognition! Here we list names and submissions reviewed;
on the workshop site we include comments from the submission's author.
(Most months we also award a prize to one or more special reviewers.)
If you got a really useful review and would like to add the reviewer
to the Reviewer Honor Roll, just use our online honor-roll nomination
form at http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml.
This month's Reviewer MVP prize goes to Ays Marin, whose many
substantive reviews include good nitpicks and encouraging praise of
specific turns of phrase. We also commend her for reading deep into
some of the novels submitted to the workshop--not just chapters 1 or
2, but chapters 7 or 11 or 22. Novel authors need reviewers who will
keep on going with them. For her efforts, Ays will get a copy of
BROWN GIRL IN THE RING by Nalo Hopkinson, award-winning author and one
of our two Editorial Administrators. Congratulations, Ays!
This month's honor roll:
Scott Anderson, reviewing "To A Lady, More Cruel Than Fair" by Sarah
Prineas
Jason Bleckly, reviewing "And Rites of Blood" by Chelsea Polk
Hannah Bowen, reviewing NINA KIMBERLY THE MERCILESS, Ch.s 1-8, by
Christiana Ellis
Teresa Brunner, reviewing EDGE OF ICE by Rob Campbell
A. Bruno, reviewing "Love Song" by Hannah Bowen
Monica Chamaschuk, reviewing NINA KIMBERLY THE MERCILESS, Ch.s 1-8,
by Christiana Ellis
Jim Cobb, reviewing COLORS OF THE SOUL Parts I-III by Ric Bahr
Jo Davidsmeyer, reviewing "A Fly's Hero," Part 1 by Mike Farrell
Daniel Goss, reviewing "To A Lady, More Cruel Than Fair" by Sarah
Prineas
Dorian E. Gray, reviewing "Big Brother's Eyes" by Jenn Vancil
Christopher Johnstone, reviewing "Cycle of the Heretic" by James V.
Greene
Kris Keegan, reviewing "None of These Shadows" by Hannah Bowen
Mike McCloskey, reviewing BROTHERLY LOVE - Brizarian Winter by
Ralph Halse
H. Frank Morgan, reviewing "A Fly's Hero," Part 1 by Mike Farrell
Marguerite Reed, reviewing "To A Lady, More Cruel Than Fair" by
Sarah Prineas
More details and specific praise can be found at:
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml
| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Congratulations to our members who have recently made sales or
garnered other honors of various sorts! ("DROWW" is the original Del
Rey workshop, 3/99-9/00.) The latest news is listed below. Our
complete online Hall of Fame is at
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/halloffame.shtml
Leah Bobet's first publication will be "Oil and Charcoal on Canvas," a
workshopped dark-fantasy short story appearing in the November issue
of _Morbid Musings_ (http://www.meghansmusings.com/).
Angela Boord has sold her story "Forget Me Not" to _Strange Horizons_
(http://www.strangehorizons.com) for publication in November. It's
her first sale.
Steven Bratman has sold a science-fact article to _Analog_
(http://www.analogsf.com). The article, "The Human Genome Results:
Pointing the Way to Artificial Life," is about digital life, and was
written after Steven workshopped a story on the same subject and
received feedback that it was more of an essay than a story. The
publication date is not yet set.
Cecilia Dart-Thornton's hardcover fantasy trilogy _The Bitterbynde_
began with Book I, THE ILL-MADE MUTE, which was workshopped with us.
The second volume, THE LADY OF THE SORROWS, will be published in the
US and Canada in April of 2002.
Roger E. Eichorn has sold story "Whispers & Silence" to Gothic.net
(http://www.gothic.net). It was workshopped during the early stages of
both the Del Rey and Horror workshops.
Mark Fewell has sold his workshopped story "Stored Dreams" to
_Fantastic Stories of the Imagination_
(http://www.dnapublications.com/fantastic). He says "I was able to
use the advice given to improve the story and obviously sell it."
Bonnie Freeman has sold her novel SON OF THE STARS (a prequel to her
workshopped novel STARFALL) to Other Worlds Library (a POD publisher).
Richard Jones has published his story "The Hand That Feeds You" in
GrayHaven e-magazine (http://www.grayhavenmagazine.com). He says, "I
really appreciated all the feedback I got from the few people who did
read the story on the workshop."
Diana Price has sold a revised version of her story "Symphony in
Black" to DENIZENS OF THE DARK, an anthology edited by Everette Bell
with an introduction by George A. Romero. She says, "Thanks to
everyone who critiqued the story!"
Sarah Prineas has not one but two stories out this month: "Water,
Green River, Daybreak" is at _Strange Horizons_
(http://www.strangehorizons.com/2001/20011008/water_green_river_daybreak.shtml)
and "From the Journals of Professor Copernicus Finch, M.S., Hex.D." is
at _Ideomancer_ (http://www.ideomancer.com). Both stories were
Editors' Choices--one was our very first EC, for September 2000, and
one was in January 2001. Go, Sarah, go!
Marc Sanchez has placed story "Down in the Cellar" with _Nightscapes:
The Online Cthulhu Mythos Magazine_
(http://www.toddalan.com/~berglund/contents.htm#scapes) for Issue #16.
His workshopped story "Link" will appear in _Deviant Minds_.
Mikal Trimm's first sale is short story "Cable and the Possible God"
to Planet Relish (http://www.planetrelish.com) for the
September/October issue. The story was workshopped. He's also made
his first pro sale: "The Voice of a Loved One" has been bought by
Gothic.net (http://www.gothic.net) for publication in December or
January.
Kathleen Ward has sold short horror story "Still Waters" to _Rogue
Worlds_ (http://www.specficworld.com/rgworlds.html).
| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Number of members as of 7/20: 6061
Number of submissions currently online: 1665
Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 65.7%
Percent of submissions with zero reviews: .7%
Number of submissions in September: 798
Number of reviews in September: 3491
Ratio of reviews/submissions in September: 4.37
Estimated average word count per review in September: 389
Number of submissions in October to date: 500
Number of reviews in October to date: 2188
Ratio of reviews/submissions in October to date: 4.38
Estimated average word count per review in October to date: 407
| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
POLL: No points for reviews under 25 words?
In our ongoing attempt to increase review quality as well as review
numbers, we are considering withholding review points for reviews
shorter than 25 or 50 words. In other words, you could contribute a
very short review, but you would not earn review points for it. We
would actually rather not make this change because we realize that
some reviewers give good feedback in very few words. Some reviewers
give very little useful feedback in lots and lots of words, too;
length and quality do not always correlate. However, the volume of
reviews is so high--around 4,000 per month--that we can't check each
one for usefulness by hand, so some sort of software solution is
necessary even if it only deals with the worst of the problem. What
do you think? Should reviews of fewer than 25 words, or fewer than 50
words, get review points? Share your opinions with us at
support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com
TIP: Grammar lessons
The grammar rules that you learned writing essays in your high school
English class don't, necessarily, apply to fiction writing.
For example, in fiction it is perfectly acceptable to use sentence
fragments (sentences that don't include both a subject and a verb).
Sentence fragments might be used in fiction to indicate a character's
disoriented state of mind. Or simply because the writer's style
demands it: a sentence fragment may help the prose to flow. Here's a
sentence fragment from the first page of J.R.R. Tolkien's THE HOBBIT:
"Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an
oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit
down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort."
Written grammatically, this sentence would begin, "It was not a nasty,
dirty, wet hole..."
Also, beginning sentences with "And" or "But" is not a major sin, as
long as it doesn't occur too frequently. Even in academic discourse,
the kind of writing done by students and professors at a university,
it's becoming more acceptable to begin with "And" or "But." Using
"And" at the beginning of a sentence serves to call extra attention to
the detail being added. Likewise, beginning with "But" makes the
exception that you are adding extra...exceptional. Here's an example
from J.K. Rowling's HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER'S STONE:
"[Dumbledore] was busy rummaging in his cloak, looking for something.
But he did seem to realize he was being watched, because he looked up
suddenly at the cat, which was still staring at him from the other end
of the street."
And here's a sentence beginning with "And" from the first chapter of
THE HOBBIT. The dwarves have just finished singing a song about
messing up Bilbo's house: "_That's what Bilbo Baggins hates! So,
carefully, carefully with the plates!_ And of course they did none of
these dreadful things..."
Next, be careful when criticizing grammar usage within dialogue.
Often, if it's written well, dialogue is ungrammatical because many
characters speak ungrammatically, just as real people do. If the
narrative in a piece is pretty much free of grammatical errors, you
might assume that the poor grammar in the dialogue is intentional.
This is not to say that grammar rules don't matter: they most
certainly do. But while the speed of light is a physical law (at
least until the next issue of _Nature_ comes out), grammar rules are
mutable and depend on the writer's purpose.
(Tip contributed by member Sarah Prineas)
TIPS APPRECIATED
Got a helpful tip for your fellow members? A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission? Or a writing tip? Share it with us and if we agree it's
useful we'll publish it in the next newsletter. Just send it to
support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com and we'll do the rest.
See you next month!
The Del Rey Digital Writing Workshop for Science Fiction and Fantasy
delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com
| - - Copyright 2001 Online Writing Workshops, LLC - - - - - - - - -|
Visit our newsletter page to subscribe!
[an error occurred while processing this directive]