O | The Del Rey Digital Writing Workshop Newsletter, December 2001
W | delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!
| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
- Workshop Partner Information
- Workshop News:
Del Rey's new Editor in Chief
Alan Dean Foster to review January EC nominees
The latest Member Challenge
iPublish to close
Writing contest from the Serendip
Reminders for new members
- Editors' Choices for November submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll and reviewer prize
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Feedback:
Tips from members (and others)
| - - WORKSHOP PARTNER INFORMATION - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Online Writing Workshops's partnership with Del Rey Books continues
through March 5, 2002, making membership in the workshop free to all.
Visit the Del Rey Books Web site for sample chapters of upcoming
books, in-depth features, author interviews, special offers, and more:
http://www.randomhouse.com/delrey
Del Rey's featured title for December/January:
THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING by J.R.R. Tolkien
Frodo Baggins knew the Ringwraiths were searching for him--and the
Ring of Power he bore that would enable Sauran to destroy all that was
good in Middle-earth. Now it was up to Frodo and his faithful servant
Sam to carry the Ring to where it could be destroyed--in the very
center of Sauron's dark kingdom.
Read an excerpt at:
http://www.randomhouse.com/BB/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=0345339703&view=excerpt
| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
DEL REY'S NEW EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
As of early January, Del Rey will have a new Editor in Chief: Betsy
Mitchell, former head of Warner Aspect. (Before that she was
Associate Publisher at Bantam's Spectra imprint.) At Warner, Mitchell
launched award-winning author Nalo Hopkinson (one of the workshop's
Editorial Administrators), acquired hardcover trilogy _The
Bitterbynde_ from workshop author Cecilia Dart-Thornton (whose
Bitterbynde chapters won an Editors' Choice and an ECRU), and awarded
the annual Aspect first-novel contest win for 2000 to workshop member
Karin Lowachee for her novel WARCHILD (also an EC). We're expecting
that she of all editors will appreciate the awesome powers of the
workshop!
ALAN DEAN FOSTER TO REVIEW JANUARY EC NOMINEES
Author Alan Dean Foster will be Del Rey's guest reviewer on the
Editorial Board for the January submissions (announced and reviewed in
the February newsletter). Alan has three books coming out from Del
Rey in February and March--STAR WARS: THE APPROACHING STORM,
DIUTURNITY'S DAWN, and REUNION--so we're glad he can find the time to
pitch in and help review. His reviews will be published separately in
the newsletter as well as contributing to the overall Editors' Choice
rankings.
THE LATEST MEMBER CHALLENGE
Some core members of the workshop have begun a monthly writing
challenge, open to all, in which writers submit stories or scenes on a
particular topic. Past topics have included pain, love, death, and
music. The current challenge is stories retelling myths or fairy
tales. The January challenge is to write a story based on this
opening sentence: "A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries." For
the current challenge, rules, and how-to information, see a page
maintained by a member:
http://www.thermeon.net/checkered/Challenge.html Basically, just
submit a piece on the current month's theme, put "Challenge" in your
title so other challenge participants can find it, and give at least
brief reviews to as many other challenge entrants as you can). Search
for titles containing "Challenge" to see some of the challenge
entries. We at OWW think this is great, but we aren't in charge. For
more information and to participate in choosing the challenge topics,
join the Writing discussion list
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/oww-sff-writing).
iPUBLISH TO CLOSE
iPublish.com, the newest and biggest workshop site online, is being
closed down by Time Warner Trade Publishing by the end of the year.
iPublish, which launched in spring of 2001, has three areas: iRead
(e-books to buy), iWrite (workshops along the OWW model, with reader
reviews recommending submissions to the editors for possible
e-publication), and iLearn (how-to, events, and message boards). Our
beloved ex-administrator (and SF/F author) Paul Witcover was editor of
the SF & F area of iWrite. Time Warner will still be selling e-books
(primarily electronic reprints of existing print titles) through
another Time Warner group. Though iPublish.com's submission contract
raised the hackles of various authors' groups including the Science
Fiction Writers of America, making for a rocky start in the industry,
iPublish.com is shutting down because, as Time Warner says, "the
market for e-books has simply not developed the way we hoped."
We wish good luck to Paul (and await that next novel!).
WRITING CONTEST FROM THE SERENDIP
The Serendip is a companion site to the workshop, begun and maintained
by a few dedicated members for the good of all humankind. Many
members unwind and have fun writing "tales of the Serendip" set in the
Serendip Bar, where members and their characters, plus various other
entities, interact in amusing ways. Now the Powers Behind the
Serendip are hosting a writing contest for these tales; all entries
will be included in a print-on-demand/e-book anthology volume
available to entrants only. Entries will be accepted from now until
January 2, 2002. For more information, see
http://www.jmb-publishing.com/contest/contest.htm
REMINDERS FOR NEW MEMBERS
If you also write horror or dark fantasy, join our horror workshop;
it's at http://horror.onlinewritingworkshop.com and works the same
way as this workshop. You'll need to create a separate membership
for that workshop; your member ID and password from this workshop
will not get you in there. (But you can choose the same ID and
password there as here, if you like.)
Adding your picture to the member directory: your picture must be
stored on a different Web server. Make sure that server allows access
from other servers--some don't. Your picture URL must start with
"http://", the URL is case-sensitive (e.g., don't use uppercase if the
file is named in lowercase) and it must be no bigger than 200 x 200
pixels.
Using the "append text" form: you need to submit your first chunk of
text via the regular submission form before you follow the link to the
"append text" form and submit the rest.
| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Editors' Choices are the submissions from the previous month that
show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of our
Editorial Board. Each gets a composite review by the Board, which is
published on the site and in the newsletter. We usually pick one
fantasy chapter or partial chapter, one SF chapter or partial chapter,
and one short story. (The volume of short stories is much less than
that of chapters, so we're not going to pick a fantasy story and an SF
story each month unless that imbalance changes. Mixed SF/F chapters
will be considered under whichever category seems to predominate in
the submission.) We also list two runners-up in each category, with
our comments.
To view Editors' Choices on the workshop, go to the submission list
and click on "Editors' Choices" in the Submission Selector. Six
months of ECs will be archived there, with their editorial reviews.
Our Editorial Board:
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/editorialboard.shtml
In order to make sure that some of our most professional
members don't take too much attention away from other deserving
writers, we've decided that novels will be ineligible for EC
consideration if they have been chosen as previous ECs in any
six-month period (January-June and July-December). Runner-ups will
not be subject to this rule. So if a chapter of your novel has been
an EC, we won't put future chapters of it into the nomination process
for a while--but if those chapters are of EC/runner-up quality, we
will be acknowledging them briefly just to be fair.
Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors and runners
up!
Notes: Editors found the SF/mixed genre chapters particularly
difficult to rank this month, and the fantasy chapters so diverse that
comparing them was also hard. One editor noted, "Interesting
that--for a change--none of these seems to take place in the
oh-so-popular medieval fantasy setting."
Editors' Choice, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: THE ROOT OF THE
PROBLEM, Part 1, by Dean McMillin
Good world-building; the setting feels a little unexpected and quite
odd, but holds together in a satisfying way. This world is original
and has been well thought out. The chapter opens with a good hook in
the description of the "pedal-horse." (Lovely word usage, that.)
Should the scent of the "glorious soup" really be described as a
"wafting sweetness?" Most soups are not sweet (though perhaps this one
is). Later the soup is described as "grey, piping glop." The word
"piping" may not convey the idea of extreme heat unless it's followed
by "hot." Also, if the soup is supposed to seem first glorious, then
merely glop (after he drinks some), you're using the right words; if
it's supposed to be one or the other, reword.
Nice scene: "Something flashed through the air and landed on my arm,
scrambling for a hold with ticklish feet. Startled, I almost dropped
my soup. My assailant was a grasshopper the size of a large rat. He
sat perched on my sleeve for a second, black eyes glittering,
mandibles working restlessly. Then, in a flash, he was gone."
The protagonist takes a step outside the flowman's hut for a breath of
fresh air. When he steps back in he finds that "the old flowman was
back from wherever he'd been." How? Through a back door? Or had the
protagonist wandered farther from the hut than we'd been told?
The story takes an unexpected turn when it's revealed that the
protagonist is also a shadewright (nice term). Perhaps hint at that a
little bit earlier on?
The chapter changes direction about a third of the way in, becoming a
long flashback of the protagonist's visit to the town of Half-Oak. The
adventure is an interesting one, but the current situation in the
flowman's hut recedes farther and farther into the background as we
get engrossed in the flashback, and by chapter's end we still haven't
come back to it. That doesn't feel quite right. In addition, the
flashback is introduced by the following sentence: "Some months ago,
a certain tree had helped to save my life." Yet as far as we could
see, no such tree had been mentioned by the end of the chapter. Does
the flashback continue on into the next chapter?
Despite the grand detour, this is a well-written, intriguing beginning
that left us interested enough to read on.
Editors' Choice, SF chapter/partial chapter: DOE, Chapter 1: An Unkind
Hour by Steve Nagy
This was great! It has a very cyberpunk feel. That's a chancy
sensibility to take on, because it's become passe in SF publishing,
but the bit of a genderbent take on that particular sub-genre
refreshes it. Some of us have read parts of this piece before and
think it has been greatly improved, both in terms of pacing and
content, by the author's revisions. The excerpt pulled us in right
away, and kept our attention throughout. The present tense works
well.
We were a bit confused as to the value placed upon the clones by their
owner/employers. During the flashback birth sequence, the protagonist
recalls landing on cold tiles in the stable shower, "dumped like so
much garbage near the central drain." Is this any way to treat a
valued commodity, a resource you expect to earn you significant sums
of money in the future? Mind you, Europeans did treat Africans that
way during the African slave trade; partly because there were many
more where they came from, and partly in the vain hope of keeping the
slaves, who vastly outnumbered the plantation owners, too intimidated
and maltreated to consider rebellion. Is that the kind of
economic/social structure that you're trying to build here? If so, it
needs delineating a bit more clearly.
In the same vein, we wanted to know more about House's nonchalant
willingness to severely beat both Romeo and Ready. Is he really
causing as much damage as we are led to believe? Will he himself be
punished for this as the story continues?
Nitpicks: In the initial description of the rush hour traffic: "Foot,
cycle, and hover traffic flows past, breaking and rejoining, strangers
moving from partner to partner in a rush-hour orgy as they exit the
Loop," we were prepared to find the word "dance" rather than "orgy,"
the latter seeming too strong for a scene in which the participants
move in elaborate patterns in each other's vicinity, but (one hopes)
never actually touch.
The sentence that begins "Prone on my back, winded, I watched Ready
push himself onto his hands and knees..." is contradictory. "Prone"
means "having the front or ventral surface downward." "Supine"? Or
just "On my back"?
An intriguing premise, well executed. We would read on.
Editors' Choice, short story: "Bioplastic Blues" by Daniel Goss
All of the nominee stories this month were good, intelligent,
well-crafted piece of science fiction. It wasn't easy picking one to
be Editors' Choice----as one editor frequently says, it was apples and
oranges. Picking one over the others is more a matter of taste than of
quality. What distinguishes this story in particular is its smart
voice. Line by line, the writing is fast, funny, and intelligent. It
would be hard to find anything to line-edit here. In fact, our biggest
complaint is that a story this sophisticated deserves a better ending:
this ending left us mostly cold.
Near-future science fiction is a fruitful subject for writers: it's
close enough that your readers will do a lot of the intuitive leaping
for you. Sexy journalists, environmental protestors, biotechnology
running amuck--all of this seems quite real enough. And this writer is
smart enough (at least at first) to dazzle us with lots of eyeball
kicks, visual details, and snappy dialogue. Later in the story, when
Dana Delgado and Maria Esposito are talking in the bowels of the
Tillman building, the info-dumps get a bit thick, and the action slows
way down. And none of the info that we're getting is anything very
new, either. Work up something that will surprise and intrigue us,
then let your characters sit down and talk, and we won't mind so much.
The story could use a bit more sexiness as well. Not necessarily sex,
of course, but more sparks, more double entendres between Dana and
Maria and Rami would come in handy. Otherwise, it seems hard to see
how Dana keeps her ratings up. The story is still well-written, but
the further in we get, the less vivid and complicated the writing and
the storyline become. And the surprise ending flattens out the entire
story.
This isn't an easy fix: once we know the ending, and go back to read
the story again, much of the tone, from the very beginning, rings
false. Leaving aside questions of security precautions (the apparent
lack of security checks, guards, or cameras in the extraction
chamber), general motivations, repercussions, etc, Rami's jealousy (he
knows that Dana is using her wiles to get the bomb in, and yet both he
and Dana act as if all he's spoiling is her pursuit of a story),
whether or not John Darrow was the object of the attack (he's just
happened to come in at the exact right moment?), Dana and Rami's
casual discussion (in front of a audiorecorder!) of the bomb they just
set off--leaving aside all that, we've just spent the entire story
inside Dana's viewpoint, and apparently all she's been thinking about
is getting a story/getting Maria's clothes off. This feels not just
cheap, but an actual cheat of the reader. Play straight with your
readers, or risk losing them.
In any case, Dana's behavior in the aftermath seems incredibly
suspicious. She doesn't behave like a journalist--she isn't going
after a story any more, she's walking away from a mission
accomplished. It's impossible to believe that she'd get away with it.
If you keep this storyline, you'll have to tell us if she's done this
before, and if so, why? Does she just go around creating her own
headlines, or does she have political reasons? But you might want to
keep the characters and scrap the espionage angle: these characters
feel almost real, but their actions don't. Dana's "bad hair" comment
at the end is flippant; unworthy.
Back to the plus side: it's great to pick up a story in which we have
characters of various ethnic backgrounds, sexual persuasions, etc, and
yet none of this feels forced, or overly highlighted. It's just part
of the story as a whole. We loved the description of the back of
Rami's "purple Persian-Polish-American head."
In general, there's a busyness and hum to this story, a liveliness
that for the most part is adequate compensation for the silliness of
the truly dumb espionage plot. The best parts point towards Bruce
Sterling/Neal Stephenson/Charles Stross territory, and that's a very
good thing. Throw in some more wacky details, a pinch more "voice,"
and be careful not to let your plot get in the way of your characters
and story.
Runner Up, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: LAND OF THE BLACK SANDS by
Rachele Colantuono
A strong beginning to this novel, well-written throughout, and a very
close runner-up to the Editor's Choice this month.
The image of the woman surviving the desert crossing by drinking her
own urine is striking and unforgettable.
There's a nice parallel between the nameless exile's blackened feet
and the burnt-black palms of the lightning-wielding man in the second
section. Lovely use of repetition of the image of blackened soles.
Also some fine description of the lightning wielder's victim: "The
curled black shape in front of him, twisted like a used candlewick..."
There's some strong storycraft being employed here.
Another good phrase is the description of Pruv's detachment during his
lovemaking, and his image of himself as "a participant with nothing at
stake. The dealer at a card game."
We might have wished more development of either of the first two
characters before we met Pruv in the third section, but we were
nonetheless quite interested in the story.
Runner Up, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: WHEN I BEGIN TO SCREAM
PRESS RECORD by James Overton
Great title! And bravo to the writer for experimenting with language
and form--it's a pleasure to see some daring exploration of structure,
content, and intentionality. This piece tries hard to do more than
mix and match a handful of fantasy's favorite tropes in a comfortable
and predictable plot line.
Now for the bad news: the piece is a mixed bag. There are times the
experimentation fails (that being the nature of experiments). So this
is a difficult story to get into. The author tells us that "the first
chapter is due to be revised soon, as I've left out the key element in
the story." This makes us wish that he'd done his revisions before
submitting the piece. There's also some doubt whether the author can
sustain the level of craft, or sustain the readers' interest in it.
It's very difficult to maintain an unconventional structure for a
whole novel, and difficult for readers to follow. It would help to
balance it with conventional narrative.
Perhaps that's exactly what the author intends. We found ourselves
intrigued by both the story within a story (especially as it seems to
grow gradually more coherent as it proceeds) and the frame story with
Gwen. Perhaps a few more inserts of the frame--or maybe just a slight
expansion of those already there--would make for easier reading.
While technically it's not as successful as the others, this excerpt
was as surprising and as interesting as they were, in very different
ways. We might not read on much further at this stage, and mostly out
of curiosity to see what the author has planned, but we would
encourage his to keep pushing at his craft.
Runner Up, science fiction chapter/partial chapter: WAYFARING
STRANGER, Book 2, Chapter 9, by Kyri Freeman
Good opening. The "period" feel of the setting is well maintained,
and the dialogue is strong; the characters are nicely differentiated
by patterns of speech and vocabulary. The tension builds as enmities
are revealed. One thing for the author to consider: the lack of SF/F
elements in this section might cause readers to become impatient.
The effects of Tribulation's beating are effectively described.
We approve of the author's decision to "tell" rather than "show" the
final paragraph. It works.
Overall, this chapter is professionally written, the characters
engaging and well realized. The clearest advice we have is--keep it
up! We would definitely read on.
Runner Up, science fiction chapter/partial chapter: LEFT ALONE,
Chapter 3, by Erik Vick
The opening was nicely done. One editor said, "This author has a real
talent for narrating action scenes."
However, the technology feels too contemporary and in some cases too
analog for the digital future that you seem to be trying to conjure up
(unless you mean this to be present-day?). The flashing LEDs and the
like feel as though they would be outmoded, and the bio-bed is eerily
reminiscent of Doc Oc, a decades-old concept from the Spiderman
comics.
We found some awkwardness of phrasing and punctuation throughout.
Example: "Why in the world did they care about Sam, citizens of the
N.A., didn't get involved in each other's problems." Since commas
can't separate sentences, a question mark should be placed after
"Sam," and there should be no comma after "the N.A." A good grammar
book will be able to tell you the rules for comma usage. Another
example of awkward usage is the repetition of "stream" in the
following phrase: "...he felt the aerosol stream of Trax streaming
into his system."
Jack's monologue, particularly his digression into the story of "some
code" he once wrote, seems overlong and unnecessary.
A good ending to the chapter as Jack retreats into the cyber-world of
the biobed: "You can watch on that. . ." Jack[']s voice faded into
nothingness, but the biobed claw rose and pointed at a bank of
monitors. As if on cue, the monitors flickered to life."
Some specific nits:
When we read "Jackie thinks he can help you and I owe Jack some
favors," we thought at first that Jack and Jackie were two different
characters (especially since two sentences earlier the same person is
introduced as "Captain Jack"). Get your characters established in
your readers' heads before you start introducing variants on their
names.
The description of the six-legged biobed is confusing: "Two of the
legs faced front and back and the third leg was faced to the side."
That would seem to leave another three legs unaccounted for.
Good description of Clint's reaction to the drug: "Clint moved his
shoulders a centimeter. It was too much effort to fully shrug.
Blackness seemed to swirl at the edges of his vision and he was
suddenly dizzy." The following was also very evocative: "Clint forced
a nod. 'Do it. Give me the machine.' He felt an injector bite his
arm." Another nice image: "Clint's face was stiff. It felt like he
was wearing an old leather mask."
A good story that was generally well-written. It made for interesting
reading.
Runner Up, short story: "Looking Through Lace," Part 2, by Ruth
Nestvold
We continued to enjoy reading this novella (a chapter of which was a
runner-up for August under the title "A Story of Christmas"). One
editor said, "when I read it earlier, I felt that it was generally
well-written, but that it read a bit like wanna-be LeGuin. This time
around, it seems to have its own unique voice, and I found it much
improved." Meanwhile another editor said that while the writing was
strong and the story was interesting, the subject matter and style
seemed a bit too much like LeGuin. In any case, being compared to
LeGuin is nothing to complain about!
We do feel that events in this story are a bit rushed at the
moment--after only a few days on Kailazh, Toni seems to have embroiled
herself in all sorts of complications: she's at odds with her boss,
Repnik, strongly attracted to Kislan (who is more than a little
married, and more than a little alien), and trying to negotiate with
the people of Kailazh on her own. All of this seems somewhat
unprofessional. In her first few days on the job, perhaps it isn't
that unusual to be assigned work on a dictionary, rather than
fieldwork. Toni seems much less interested in negotiating her work
than in striking out on her own.
Repnik is obviously sexist, confrontational, paranoid, power-crazed,
and possibly dangerous: this weighs down the story quite a bit. If he
were a little less cardboard and unlikable, and if this were more a
story about teamwork, it might be even more interesting. As it stands
now, Toni is forced to make all sorts of interesting discoveries on
her own--and strangely, this has the effect of making the story seem
much less realistic, and much less engaging. Bring the other members
of the team more fully into the story, and tone down Repnik a bit, or
give us some insight into his character, or at least give us some
perspective. When Repnik shuts down communication with Ainsworth and
the _Penthesilea_, surely Toni and Sam and the other members of the
team would immediately meet and find another way to communicate with
their superiors. Toni deciding that she'll just ignore Repnik seems
childish.
There really doesn't seem to be any narrative point to Toni's
attraction to Kislan. And again, it is extremely unprofessional.
Either make it clear and understandable to us why she's so drawn to
him--not necessarily the reason, but the little, tangible things.
Maybe she has sexy dreams about him? In any case, her jealousy towards
the women in his group marriage seems extremely over the line. As the
story progresses, Toni becomes a less and less sympathetic character.
The ending of the story seems fairly clear from here: Toni will have
to fight off her attraction to Kislan (or she won't--at the moment, it
doesn't really matter all that much to the reader), solve the mystery
of the women's language, get rid of her sexist and obstructive
supervisor, and convince Anash and the other women to join the
off-worlders' alliance. This is a lot of work to accomplish in one
novella, and yet at the same time, none of these solutions will feel
entirely satisfying. While the story is a good one, it's not a
particularly new one. Be ambitious for this story and these
characters: figure out Toni, and make her into a real, complicated,
messy person.
One final comment: we absolutely and unanimously love the folk tales,
and the bits of Kailazh culture that the author gives us. These
not-insignificant parts of the story are working extremely well.
Runner Up, short story: "Sense of Smell" by Angela Boord
We were intrigued by the world this story evoked, and by the
characters. While several editors agreed with the author's concerns
that this felt more like a novel than a short story, this may have had
less to do with structure than with compression: there's a lot in this
one piece. One solution? This could certainly work as one of a series
of interconnected stories.
At the moment, there's both too much and too little background on the
jinouk, the inda, and the camps. Perhaps perversely, the more
information you give us, the more we want, and yet what we want most
is Bless's own history. Give us at least a little of this--for
example, as beautiful as the description of the lilithweed, "whose
bark was knobby and rough like the skin of an old woman but smelled as
fresh and light as the perfume the ladies wore on the upper decks of
colony ships", may be, it does raise the question of what Bless was
doing on a colony ship among such ladies. It isn't clear how
restricted her own life has been, or how she's ended up with Tamerlane
and Jesse's ragtag bunch. And when Tamerlane advocates that they do
nothing to help the shipwrecked inda Sol, lest his pursuers punish
them or put them into camps, hasn't his arrival already set all this
in motion? Wouldn't any stray indas on the planet be rounded up? And
who are the inda terrorists that Bless briefly touches on?
At the end of the story, Sol seems to be making his own plans to
strike out--and yet, why hasn't he already left if he's capable of
leaving? It seems plot-convenient, rather than logical, that he's
waited for Bless.
Flesh out Tamerlane and Jesse a bit for us. Make them real people,
rather than bits of the background. And it does seem extremely strange
that if Tamerlane insists the women and men of the camp keep separate,
that all of Bless's connections and focus are on Jesse, Tamerlane, and
then Sol. Who are her female companions? How is it that she leaves
them so easily? How is it that she meets with Jesse without any kind
of criticism?
The details about the jinouk's use of the sense of smell are
wonderful, but we suggest that you make more use Bless's ability and
dependence upon smell. For example, when the shuttle is going down,
make smell one of the primary descriptive senses. And as one editor
points out, Bless hears one word ("Help. . .") from the survivor of
the shuttle crash and thinks: "Garbled Company tongue with an odd
accent she couldn't place." All that from one word? Better if when
she finds him, she learns more things about him from the way he
smells.
A few nitpicks: One editor comments that "'Bless's blindness'" is
hard to say, as is 'Blind Bless,' as she refers to herself in the
story. The author might consider changing her name to Blessing. Just
a thought."
The following is awkward (and hard to recite on a single breath), and
might benefit from being chopped up a bit: "The more liberal among the
Claver states called the camps 'boarding schools' but no inda had yet
graduated from one, and no inda wanted to be part of that kind of
unsubtle reprogramming, reprogramming that seemed even less
appropriate because whatever jinouk code existed in her genes, Bless
had never discovered it."
And this was a wonderful sentence: "'See to her,' he told the women,
and they closed in on her, a desert of gentleness."
The description of her dream of the jinouk is also wonderful, as is
the last line of the story (although it raises the question of what
determination might smell like--perspiration, perhaps.) More of these
kinds of details, please.
| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop recognizes members who
have given useful, insightful reviews. After all, that's what makes
the workshop go, so we want to give great reviewers a little
well-earned recognition! Here we list names and submissions reviewed;
on the workshop site we include comments from the submission's author.
(Most months we also award a prize to one or more special reviewers.)
If you got a really useful review and would like to add the reviewer
to the Reviewer Honor Roll, just use our online honor-roll nomination
form at http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml.
This month's Reviewer MVP is Neil Mason, who is hailed in a nomination
from Kathy Small for his critiquing of her entire 25-chapter novel
STRANDLOCK. She says, "...steady and consistent reviews through all
25 chapters mean I've had the benefit of insights gained from
following the plot at page 1 all the way to 'The End.'...Neil added
great comments tied to actual experiences of camping, sailing, and
struggling through snowdrifts. He regularly reminded me to add more
emotion and detail to each scene." Neil will receive a copy of
award-winning author Kelly Link's story collection STRANGER THINGS
HAPPEN. (Kelly is one of our two honor-draped Editorial
Administrators.) Congratulations, Neil!
And speaking of reviews, check out the submission "Ragnar's Review" by
James Roarke for a humorous take on the reviewing process!
This month's honor roll:
Bob Allen, reviewing STRANDLOCK by Kathy Small
Carol Bartholomew, reviewing "Cherry Trees" by Rick Lorentson
Michael Cullen, reviewing "The Night Burned Dark" by William
Henry Baker
Sam Godwin, reviewing GHOSTS IN THE SNOW, Chapter 4, by Tamara
Siler Jones
Margo Lerwill, reviewing THE KEEPERS, Chapter XIV: Pottery, by
Geoff Abrahams
Neil Mason, reviewing STRANDLOCK by Kathy Small
Gary Nelson, reviewing "Mercenary's Mind Game" by M.L. Goebel
Dan Strong, reviewing LEOPARDS IN LOVE by A. Bruno
More details and specific praise can be found at:
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml
| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Congratulations to our members who have recently made sales or
garnered other honors of various sorts! ("DROWW" is the original Del
Rey workshop, 3/99-9/00.) The latest news is listed below. Our
complete online Hall of Fame is at
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/halloffame.shtml
Kate Bachus sold short story "Miss Parker Down the Bung" to _Strange
Horizons_ (http://www.strangehorizons.com).
Jennifer St.Clair Bush's novel PRINCE OF SHADOWS will be published by
Writers Exchange E-Publishing
(http://www.writers-exchange.com/epublishing), along with her earlier
novel THE TENTH GHOST.
Lori Erickson's short story "Dreaming in Color" appeared in the
May/June issue of _Wired Art from Wired Hearts_
(http://wiredheart.hispeed.com/may01/lori_erickson_fiction.html). It
was workshopped at here, and Lori says, "Thanks much for all the words
of advice and encouragement I received!" Her short story "Weep Not
for the Innocent" is currently appearing in the November/December
issue of _Alternate Realities_
(http://www.alternaterealitieszine.com/FS.htm).
Mark Fewell sold story "A Woman Wails, A Man Fears" to _Hadrosaur
Tales_ (http://www.hadrosaur.com).
Michael H. Fox has published his novel TOMORROWCHILD with iUniverse
(http://www.iuniverse.com) and it can be ordered through them or
online bookstores, or regular bookstores via special order. He says,
"I put a special thank you in the acknowledgements noting the help the
Del Rey workshop gave me." More info: http://tomorrowchild.com
Daniel Goss's short story "Other Moments" is forthcoming in _Strange
Horizons_ (http://www.strangehorizons.com) and has also been nominated
for the Pushcart Prize.
Richard E. Jones sold short story "The Big Question" to AnotherRealm
(http://www.anotherealm.com). He says, "I received some extremely
helpful critiques from several workshop participants."
Mark R. Knight's short story "Isle Twelve," workshopped this summer,
will be in the January 2002 issue of _Aphelion Webzine_
(http://www.aphelion-webzine.com). Mark wants to thank his reviewers:
Julie Turnbull, Ron Breznay, Sharon Eberhardt, Jeff Stanley, Craig
Borri, Troy Tradup, and Jack Hillman.
Kelly Link, award-winning author and one of our Editorial
Administrators, has a short-story collection out now: STRANGER THINGS
HAPPEN from Small Beer Press. The collection has been named one of
_The Village Voice_'s Top 25 Books of the Year. It's terrific!
Steve Nagy sold short story "The Hanged Man of Oz" to an anthology
titled BONES, scheduled for publication in 2002 in Australia, Great
Britain and the US by HarperCollins Australia and Tor Books. The
editors are Dennis Etchison, Ramsey Campbell and Jack Dann. The story
appeared in a different form in the original Del Rey workshop, where
it earned the second short story Editors' Choice.
Ruth Nestvold sold short story "Princes and Priscilla" to _Strange
Horizons_ (http://www.strangehorizons.com) for publication around
April 2002. It was workshopped several times.
S.K.S. Perry's poem "The Fright Before Christmas" was published in the
October edition of _Strange Horizons_
(http://www.strangehorizons.com), and he also sold short story "Sweet
Dreams" to _Ideomancer_ (http://www.ideomancer.com).
Marc Sanchez's story "Link" has been nominated for a Pushcart Prize by
publisher _Deviant Minds_
(http://www.horrorseek.com/horror/deviantminds), and has been
recommended for a Bram Stoker Award as well. It was workshopped here.
He has also placed short story "Bobbers" for publication in the Feb
2002 issue of _Morbid Musings_ (http://www.meghansmusings.com).
James Stevens-Arce's novel SOULSAVER has been included in the _New
York Times Review of Books_' THE READERS' CATALOG, an annotated
listing of the 40,000+ best books in print in America. SOULSAVER,
which was also named Best First Novel of 2000 by the Denver _Rocky
Mountain News_ and one of the Best Books of 2000 by The _San Francisco
Chronicle_, is one of only 413 works listed in THE READER'S CATALOG's
science fiction sub-category. SOULSAVER will also be published in
French by France's Univers Poche.
| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Number of members as of 12/20: 6792
Number of submissions currently online: 1489
Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 69.5%
Percent of submissions with zero reviews: 0.9%
Number of submissions in November: 860
Number of reviews in November: 3761
Ratio of reviews/submissions in November: 4.37
Estimated average word count per review in November: 432
Number of submissions in December to date: 538
Number of reviews in December to date: 2402
Ratio of reviews/submissions in December to date: 4.46
Estimated average word count per review in December to date: 420
| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
TIP: Scene Analysis
Some kind critters had commented that some of my chapters were slow.
And the truth of it was, they were right. So I read the relevant
chapters, trying to get another reader's perspective and wondering
what it is that makes for slowness, or excitement for that matter. I
bought a book about plot development (startlingly called PLOT) and
read it carefully.
The author says that a story is made of scenes, and that each scene
should have at least three purposes: to advance the story, reveal
character, and create background/setting to underpin the first two. I
realized that I enjoyed doing the third more than the first two, and
also that it was the least important of the three: world-building
without story would be a cultural treatise. In the same way, story
without world-building would be starkly minimalist. What excites me is
the challenge of creating a good story and interesting characters with
the added dimension of a complex and original world.
So here's the idea, and it's probably one you've all had before
anyway! On my computer, I went through the chapter in question and
decided what comprised each scene. (My definition of a scene is often
an event or related series of events that take place in a specific
time and place: dinner at home, a day at college, etc.) I then
changed the text color for that scene to green or whatever. I did the
same for each of the six scenes in the chapter. Having the visual
blocking of each scene to help, I analyzed each scene and asked
myself, Does this advance the story? Does it reveal character? Does it
create setting? And knowing that too much setting is boring, I cut all
those scenes that created setting only. Of the others, I modified them
until they both revealed character and advanced the story, and tried
to create a laddering of tension throughout the chapter so that
excitement was increased.
Much of my writing was done over the last 14 years, and a great deal
of my earlier material was sloppy and directionless. This method
helped to tighten it. Hope it helps in your own writing!
(Tip contributed by member Greg Byrne)
TIP: Balance and Pace
One of the most common flaws of the beginner writer is the inability
to balance the elements of a story. I'm guilty of this as well. I know
I tend to focus too much on action and dialogue, so that my
characterization and setting are often very shallow. But the most
common example of lack of balance that I've found is quite the
opposite: stories that have too much characterization, to the
detriment of the other elements of the story.
I can hear the collective gasps straight away. "Too much
characterization? Is such a thing possible?" Well, it is. I've read
numerous stories that delighted in giving us every little thought of
the main character, as if the character's feelings and thoughts could
not be deduced from his or her external reactions (i.e. actions, body
language, and dialogue), or at least guessed from our own
understanding of human nature. Others seem to delight in providing
detailed descriptions of the characters' appearances, or provide
detailed character backgrounds in enormous info-dumps. The problem
with this is that excessive characterization, like excessive setting
and exposition, slows down the pace of a story. Few readers enjoy
wading through detail.
The trick is to trust your readers' imaginations. Characterization is,
in my opinion, akin to impressionist painting. If something isn't
intrinsically important to the story, just brush over it briefly or
even leave it out altogether--the readers will often supply that
detail themselves. Though some detail must be supplied or the
characters will appear shallow, a balance must be struck between the
demands for convincing detail and a sufficiently engaging pace.
(Tip contributed by member Nigel Read)
TIPS APPRECIATED
Got a helpful tip for your fellow members? A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission? Or a writing tip? Share it with us and if we agree it's
useful we'll publish it in the next newsletter. Just send it to
support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com and we'll do the rest.
See you next month!
The Del Rey Digital Writing Workshop for Science Fiction and Fantasy
delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com
| - - Copyright 2001 Online Writing Workshops, LLC - - - - - - - - -|
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