O | The Del Rey Digital Writing Workshop Newsletter, January 2002
W | delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!
| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
- Workshop Partner Information
- Workshop News:
Nominate the Workshop for a Web-site Hugo Award!
Gallery competition starts February 1!
2001 Workshop performance
Article about the Workshop
Want to be on a convention panel about the Workshop?
The latest Member Challenge
Reminders for new members
- Editors' Choices for November submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll and reviewer prize
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Feedback:
Tips from members (and others)
| - - WORKSHOP PARTNER INFORMATION - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Online Writing Workshops's partnership with Del Rey Books continues
through March 5, 2002, making membership in the workshop free to all.
Visit the Del Rey Books Web site for sample chapters of upcoming
books, in-depth features, author interviews, special offers, and more:
http://www.randomhouse.com/delrey
Del Rey's featured titles for January/December:
VITALS by Greg Bear
Blending fierce, fast plots with vivid characters and mind-bending
ideas, Greg Bear has mastered a powerful alchemy of suspense, science,
and action in his gripping thrillers. DARWIN'S RADIO was hailed across
the country as one of the best books of the year. His newest novel,
VITALS, begins with a harrowing descent to a netherworld at the very
bottom of the sea--and then explodes to the surface in sheer terror.
Hal Cousins is one of a handful of scientists nearing the most sought
after discovery in human history: the key to short-circuiting the
aging process. Fueled by a wealth of research, an overdose of
self-confidence, and the money of influential patrons to whom he makes
outrageous promises, Hal experiments with organisms living in the hot
thermal plumes in the ocean depths. But as he journeys beneath the
sea, his other world is falling apart: Across the country, scientists
are being inexplicably murdered-including Hal's identical twin
brother, who is also working to unlock the key to immortality.
Read an excerpt at:
http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=0345435281&view=excerpt
Also out this month is THE CHILDREN OF CTHULHU, an anthology that
includes workshop member Meredith L. Patterson!
http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=0345449266#desc
| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
NOMINATE THE WORKSHOP FOR A WEB-SITE HUGO AWARD!
ConJose is presenting the first-ever Hugo Award for Best Web Site.
Eligible sites are: "Any generally accessible world wide web site
whose subject is primarily related to the field of science fiction,
fantasy, or fandom, and which had content generally available during
the calendar year 2001." That's us! ConJose expects the winning site
to be picked according to "factors such as content, appearance, ease
of use and usefulness to lovers of science fiction and fantasy."
If you were a member of Philcon (supporting or attending) or are a
member of ConJose by 1/31/02 (supporting or attending) you can
nominate up to five Web sites for this award. If you are eligible to
nominate, please nominate the workshop! Nominations are due by March
31.
Information on the Web Site Hugo and a PDF of the nomination ballot:
http://www.conjose.org/wsfs/wsfs_web.html
http://www.conjose.org/wsfs/content/HugoNomBallot.pdf
GALLERY COMPETITION STARTS FEBRUARY 1!
Del Rey's next Gallery e-book competition begins February 1. Visit
the Gallery area of the workshop site to read the entrants and rate
them--the highest rated entries in SF and Fantasy will be offered an
e-book contract by Del Rey! You get to help choose who Del Rey offers to publish,
so get ready to cast your votes during the month of February in the Gallery:
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/ebooks/
2001 WORKSHOP PERFORMANCE
(The following facts and figures are extracted from our 2001 annual
report.)
Here's what an average month in 2001 looked like:
--page requests on the workshop site overall: 98,474 (410,575 hits)
--member log-ins: 24,810
--submissions: 951
--reviews: 4,053
--reviews-to-submissions ratio: 4.27
--average number of words per review: 380
The workshop attracted and retained over 5,000 new members in 2001,
increasing membership almost fivefold, from 1427 at the beginning of
the year to 6914 at the end. Monthly growth increased from
200-300/month in early 2001 to an average of about 500 per month. Our
retention rate for members this year was a whopping 92.4%; very few
people joined but then changed their minds and deleted their
memberships. (Of course, there are a lot of inactive members at any
one time.)
Our members have sold stories, novels, and articles to:
--Major genre publications: Asimov's, Analog, The Magazine of Fantasy
and Science Fiction, Realms of Fantasy, On Spec, Fantastic Stories,
Dreams of Decadence
--Major publishers: Warner Aspect, Roc, Time Warner's iPublish
--Anthologies from Tor, DAW, Roc, and Del Rey
--Major online genre magazines: Gothic.net, Strange Horizons
Currently 3615 members subscribe to our monthly newsletter; 467
members belong to our high-volume writing-related discussion list,
which in 2001 averaged 1850 messages per month or 427 per week;
and 233 members belong to our parallel chat discussion list for
non-writing-related topics (averaging 1623 messages per month or 375
per week).
Thanks for a great year!
ARTICLE ABOUT THE WORKSHOP
Peridot Books, an online magazine, currently features an article about
the Del Rey Digital writing workshop. It is first in a series of four
articles by workshop member Kimberley T. Bradford (aka Tempest), each
one focusing on a different workshop. Find it at
http://www.peridotbooks.com/Editorial/editorial.html
WANT TO BE ON A CONVENTION PANEL ABOUT THE WORKSHOP?
RadCon, a SF/F convention in Pasco, Washington held over Presidents'
Day Weekend (February 15-17), will include a panel discussion on
online writing workshops, featuring us! If you're considering
attending the convention and would be interested in being on this
panel, let us know at support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com (more
info on the con is at http://radcon.org).
THE LATEST MEMBER CHALLENGE
Some core members of the workshop have begun a monthly writing
challenge, open to all, in which writers submit stories or scenes on a
particular topic. Past topics have included pain, love, death, and
music. The January challenge is to write a story based on this
opening sentence: "A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries." The
February challenge will be announced soon. For the current challenge,
rules, and how-to information, see a page maintained by a member:
http://www.thermeon.net/checkered/Challenge.html Basically, just
submit a piece on the current month's theme, put "Challenge" in your
title so other challenge participants can find it, and give at least
brief reviews to as many other challenge entrants as you can). Search
for titles containing "Challenge" to see some of the challenge
entries. We at OWW think this is great, but we aren't in charge. For
more information and to participate in choosing the challenge topics,
join the Writing discussion list
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/oww-sff-writing).
REMINDERS FOR NEW MEMBERS
If you also write horror or dark fantasy, join our horror workshop;
it's at http://horror.onlinewritingworkshop.com and works the same
way as this workshop. You'll need to create a separate membership
for that workshop; your member ID and password from this workshop
will not get you in there. (But you can choose the same ID and
password there as here, if you like.)
Adding your picture to the member directory: your picture must be
stored on a different Web server. Make sure that server allows access
from other servers--some don't. Your picture URL must start with
"http://", the URL is case-sensitive (e.g., don't use uppercase if the
file is named in lowercase) and it must be no bigger than 200 x 200
pixels.
Using the "append text" form: you need to submit your first chunk of
text via the regular submission form before you follow the link to the
"append text" form and submit the rest.
| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Editors' Choices are the submissions from the previous month that
show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of our
Editorial Board. Each gets a composite review by the Board, which is
published on the site and in the newsletter. We usually pick one
fantasy chapter or partial chapter, one SF chapter or partial chapter,
and one short story. (The volume of short stories is much less than
that of chapters, so we're not going to pick a fantasy story and an SF
story each month unless that imbalance changes. Mixed SF/F chapters
will be considered under whichever category seems to predominate in
the submission.) We also list two runners-up in each category, with
our comments.
To view Editors' Choices on the workshop, go to the submission list
and click on "Editors' Choices" in the Submission Selector. Six
months of ECs will be archived there, with their editorial reviews.
Our Editorial Board:
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/editorialboard.shtml
In order to make sure that some of our most professional
members don't take too much attention away from other deserving
writers, we've decided that novels will be ineligible for EC
consideration if they have been chosen as previous ECs in any
six-month period (January-June and July-December). Runner-ups will
not be subject to this rule. So if a chapter of your novel has been
an EC, we won't put future chapters of it into the nomination process
for a while--but if those chapters are of EC/runner-up quality, we
will be acknowledging them briefly just to be fair.
Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors and runners
up!
Editors' Choice, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: WHEN DARK WINDS
BLOW, Chapter One, by Mike Nelson
A very interesting concept ("backlash"), pulled off with varying
degrees of success. The combination of the Old West setting with
traditional fantasy tropes is intriguing and different, too, but will
need some rewriting before it feels smooth. For example, the Old West
conflicts with the traditional fantasy terms--it might be better to
blur the lines more smoothly. For example, maybe "Magic Man" instead
of "Wizard." Nice depiction of magic, though. The idea of "backlash"
is a fascinating one, but it should not be used too much too soon.
And the name "Zordan" seems a bit cliched somehow--like 1930's science
fiction B movies.
We had a mixed reaction to the jargon. Some us felt that there was
too much, too fast, it felt forced, and it would alienate readers.
Some of us found it delightful. Here's an editor's comment that may
help: "The writer needs to pick his shots. It feels like the he is
being too clever for his own good, and overwhelming us with
description at the beginning."
That flood of description right off the bat also made the excerpt feel
like a short story. We don't need to know what everyone looks like at
the beginning of the story. We don't need everyone's brief past
history right then and there, either.
The judge sees that Pugh's "wrist was attached backwards. His palm
rose to the sky, his fingers to the ground." Is that supposed to be
cause and effect? Why would the attachment of his wrist make his palm
and fingers go in different directions? This needs to be clarified.
Oliver Platt is a fairly well-known actor. Unless the author's using
the name deliberately, he might want to come up with something a bit
less recognizable and jarring for his undertaker.
Nice detail when the doctor rattles off the cause of Samantha's death.
The judge seems to have no reaction at all when told of Samantha's
death, though; that feels a little unlikely.
It's doubly hard to see where the story will go in the next chapter,
since the main protagonist dies at the conclusion of this one! That
bothered almost all of us. We had identified with Judge Ebbets and
decided that he was to be the protagonist. But there is magic in this
world, so perhaps the author has something planned that doesn't
entirely yank our protagonist away from us. As one editor said,
"...leaves me wondering how this is going to work as a novel. Who is
it about? Where do we go from here? And yet it's obviously a good
thing that I'm even wondering at all!"
Editors' Choice, SF chapter/partial chapter: THE CHILDREN OF THE SUN:
THE DISTURBING OF PEACE by Sheridan Baz
This reads a bit like TV's "Dark Angel," with an intriguing opening
hook that made some of us want to know more. The kids and their
interactions were likeable and their dialogue seemed age-appropriate.
There is a good sense of time and place. It did fall a part a bit at
the end, though. From the introduction of Hiroshima to the end of the
chapter, it feels very rushed.
"The Disturbing of Peace" is a bit cutesy as a chapter title. And the
quotation at the beginning needs to be attributed or at least
explained.
Watch for awkward writing and stilted dialogue. Also, the reason for
some of the enhancements isn't clear. Why should Peace be turned into
a cat-person--to what end? Sounds like pure experimentation, just to
see if it can be done. Any hints of a soldiering purpose are a bit
farfetched. Also, we'd like to see more shown, rather than told.
An example of some awkward writing: "The cell doors opened slowly. It
scraped against the grill running along length of the large shared
space." "Cell doors" are plural, so the pronoun that follows that
sentence should be "they," not "it." "Grill" should be "grille."
"Along length" should be "along the length." Some more problematic
sentences: "Her name was Jamie or something whenever I touched her
she got angry" (run-on sentence). "But somehow they most of have
enhance it until by the mere touch it seemed painful to the mind"
(should be "must have enhanced"). "The doctors maintained a frigid
interchange with us" (awkward, overwritten). And there are many, many
comma mistakes! That's one of the quickest ways to get your manuscript
rejected from the slush pile. Consult a style manual for the rules of
comma usage.
The tense shifts back and forth from mostly past to occasionally
present. We found many misspellings, too.
Questions: How does Peace know Hiro is unusually large for a boy of
fifteen when no one has mentioned his age? Why is Peace in the
cafeteria at the end of Chapter V, yet entering it a moment later at
the start of VI? At the end of the section we discover that there
really is a Maura, but by this time you will have lost some of your
readers.
This is an entertaining excerpt, but we suggest that you go back
through it and do some close line-editing in order to make it more
submission-ready.
Note on the Short Stories: This month, as usual, we were comparing
apples and oranges when we looked at these three stories. And not just
apples and oranges! This month, there were also grapes, pineapples,
turkey dinners, chocolate souffles, and figs wrapped in bacon. It
wasn't just hard picking the Editor's Choice: it was murder picking
three nominees. So besides those three, we'd like to point out
Elizabeth McGlothlin's "The Overly Familiar: A Cautionary Tale";
Michael Carr's "The Last Embers of the Universe"; Chad Cottle's
"Larin's God"; and Jennifer de Guzman's "Like the Cold If You Were
Dead." Steven Bratman posted a solid reworking of an older EC nominee,
now entitled "Doll Pain." And there were lots of other good stories.
It really feels as if the writers in the workshop are pushing
themselves and each other into interesting and worthwhile territory.
(Exactly how a good workshop is supposed to work--please don't think
that we're patting ourselves on the back! You're doing all the work.
We're just pointing out that we've noticed.) But back to the apples
and oranges at hand...
Editors' Choice, short story: "My Kingdom" by Hannah Bowen
MY KINGDOM is a beautifully written story that managed to be both
nuanced and detailed, and at the same time, economical and (pardon the
pun) tightly reined in. Perhaps it's still a little too subtle.
Several editors, unfamiliar with the Tam Lin fairy tale, were
frustrated.
Other writers have tackled the same material--there's Elizabeth Marie
Pope's PERILOUS GARD, Diana Wynne Jones's wonderful FIRE AND HEMLOCK,
and Pamela Dean's TAM LIN. Each of these retells Tam Lin using
different metaphors (Elizabethan court intrigue, music,
student-instructor relationships at a university) at novel length.
Bowen uses horse-racing (at a much more economical length) which feels
just as organic as to the original. The success of the story is in its
world-building and the line-by-line gorgeous prose. And since the
story doesn't quite work for everyone, we would suggest painting some
things a little clearer. Make the story work for even an audience
unfamiliar with Tam Lin by writing a slightly deeper backstory to both
Meg and Thomas Lane.
By that we don't mean give them a past together. Instead, make it
clear that they both have had, at some point, lives and families and
have lived in other places besides Carterhaugh Park. Has Meg come
cross-country? Do other owners and trainers superstitiously avoid
racing horses there, despite the fortunate track record? And does Meg
have a family? Has she always been a horse person? Does she have
friends? Don't make Meg and Thomas Lane into characters to fit the Tam
Lin story--make the story serve their characters.
Give Carterhaugh Park a bit more history as well--more rumors, more
odd conventions, maybe a sense of where, exactly, it is--out in the
middle of nowhere? Surrounded by tract houses? This is a story about
an enchanted space--a wainscot, as John Clute likes to call them. Give
us a bit more description: smell, look, onlookers, etc, of the track.
Tell us how the stalls are different here. Is everyone there
(including the horses) a bit enchanted? The scene in which Meg watches
the horses run at night is beautiful and eerie. Give us a few more
bits in the same style, and some of the real world, for contrast.
The personal pronoun in the title of the story is a bit odd: one of
the editors assumed, at first, that it must be the name of one of the
horses. If it refers to Carterhaugh, it's in the Lady's point-of-view.
Possibly it refers to the world of horse-racing? Of course, in the
original, Carterhaugh belonged to Janet/Meg, and Tam Lin was the
trespasser.
In general, the slang and the specific words that belong to horses and
racing are word-perfect. So is the dialogue. Put maybe a bit more of
the Lady into the story, or at least Meg's reaction to the Lady. Is
she grateful to the Lady for letting her race at Carterhaugh? Is she
jealous of her? Is she afraid of her? Does she feel well-treated or
shabby by comparison? This Lady, by the way, seems particularly
soft-hearted. She doesn't seem prepared to send Thomas Lane to hell,
for her tithe, and she doesn't wish that she'd plucked out Meg's
eyes--instead, she gives her an enormous stall refund for bringing
down Carterhaugh. You might want to rethink her, just a bit.
Sometimes the story is a bit _too_ economical, as in the scene with
the Bucksplasher filly's owner--make sure we know the owner is there
from the beginning. Maybe give him a line of dialogue, or let Meg
introduce him to Thomas. On the other hand, the mantra that he is
"doubtless" repeating is one of those letter-perfect details: "Run
well. Come back safe. Please, please, come back safe."
Towards the end, important details are unclear. The back story of
Thomas Lane and Subtle Snake is blurry, and we aren't quite sure what
the significance is. The track seems to require a sacrifice, but the
story is a bit too afraid of being obvious to fill us in. But either
jockeys or horses have been sacrificed, one every seven years, right?
So why does everyone insist that only one horse has ever broken down?
Is it possible that no one remembers jockeys disappearing? And where,
exactly, do they disappear to? And are the spirits of famous bad-luck
winners trapped forever, at the track? Meg and Thomas's dialogue when
they discuss Burning Bright and Carterhaugh is particularly opaque,
even to the point that we aren't sure who is saying what to whom. How
has Thomas tried to cheat them, and who are "them", exactly--besides
the Lady? How did they try to cheat him? Straighten this out for us.
A few other nitpicks: When Meg thinks that Thomas has been "right...in
saying that only her horses had any fire, any heart, any of the
gallant courage that transcended pure talent," for one thing, that
seems pretty self-congratulatory. We also don't know if she's right,
because we haven't seen any of the other horses at the track, or been
given any opinion about them previously. Where are all the other
owners and horses, anyway?
"...and she saw that 'heartsick' wasn't merely a 'sometimes' term
right now" seems grammatically confusing and awkward, as does "...many
times a heart-breaker at Santa Anita, spurring tears with each fan
told how her slender legs had failed her one morning work." And when
Meg says to the Lady, "it isn't worth the never was and might have
been," what isn't worth what? Carterhaugh? Thomas Lane's life?
Horse-racing? And the significance of Thomas Lane's remark about
changing the filly's name also takes some work, as we haven't actually
heard her name, except once, a long time ago.
To sum up, we'll quote one editor: "Many of the descriptions of horses
and riding have an evocative and dreamlike quality to them, yet it
took me a while to figure out that something truly fantastical was
going on. This could be remedied by a few well-placed bits of clear
exposition." (Of course, a few well-placed bits may require quite a
lot of work on the part of the writer.) Good luck with the work, and
then consider submitting it to _Realms of Fantasy_ or _F & SF_.
Runner Up, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: HALLS OF MAGIC, Chapter 3,
by Jennifer Schwabach
This made us want to read more. The style is good, and the setting
and characters definitely intriguing. We found the writer's ability a
bit raw, but her style was really enjoyable. We liked the character
of Arrellia and wanted to know more about her. Nice pacing and
placing of information; it didn't feel like an info dump, but like
part of the story.
It was awfully short for a chapter, though; not enough happened. This
feels like an in-between chapter in the story. There might have been
more discussion of the fire--it almost seemed an everyday occurrence,
and yet we doubt that. Aren't the owners concerned about how it
started? Is it safe for them to let their son ride out hell-bent for
leather to report the fire? If there's a wild firemage on the loose,
is anyone safe? Shouldn't people be more worried?
Interesting way to introduce the magic. One editor suggests: "You
might not want to have people broadcast the woman's ability--don't
announce that she's a water mage. Let us be surprised when the does
her thing." But it's likely that previous chapters have already
established her talents, so you may not have that option.
Nits: "Packer" should be "packed." "Dousing," in the sense of a water
witch's skills, should be spelled "dowsing."
We were drawn into the tiny bit of this world that we got to see, and
we'd like to see more. Well told, with a lot of evocative details
packed into a few pages.
Runner Up, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: CENTURY FALLS by Jen Howell
Not badly written, but reads more like a script than a story--there
isn't enough description. We found it difficult to get into,
difficult to catch enough about the characters to care about them.
More description would give us the flavor of where the story takes
place and thus who these people are. And the characters felt just a
tad stereotyped. The dialogue is fine, but it's the majority of this
piece. The reader has to struggle a bit too much for footing in the
story. Despite all that, some of us really enjoyed this. The
writing's good. The tension builds believably and even with the
detail lacking, the characters are intriguing.
To most readers, a "Century" will be 100 years, not a person.
Although one editor was intrigued by the name choice: "I'm a sucker
for mysterious-sounding names and am still wondering what the heck a
Century is."
We found very few nits (easily caught in proofreading) and some nice
moments: "'Why did you not tell me before this?' Dub asked, as her
voice broke. Kaedra dug her fingers deep between the slats of the
house, and felt her knees give way."
However, most of us would need more from this piece before we'd be
willing to read on.
Runner Up, science fiction chapter/partial chapter: GOD IS DEAD by
Eric Forcier
The opening had a nice hook, and the writing is pretty good, too, with
some problems. The human part of this is well drawn, the part about
Zane less so--it felt a bit cliched and amateurish: alien beings who
are so humanlike that they might as well _be_ human... We also found
the beginning hard to follow. There was too much information and not
enough natural unfolding of events.
Avoid hyperbole in descriptions, such as: "His blood ran colder than
it ever could have over countless centuries in cryostasis." Probably
not.
The author makes several sweeping statements that are not backed up.
Some examples: Nanotechs "destroy the reproductive organ before it
even had a chance to form" in females. Why? And these are incredibly
advanced scientists. How could they fail to notice that their female
children were being born without reproductive organs? By the time
they noticed, we're told, "it was too late." Again, why? Was every
last fertile member of this race implanted with nanotechs before a
single test was run to determine their safety?
We're told that "Terraforming was a pipe-dream..." and that "The
nearest world capable of supporting Vellan life was a small blue world
in another galaxy...Terra." First of all, these are alien beings who
existed long before humanity. Why are they using words like
"terraforming" and "Terra" when Terra has not yet been named? And if
you are going to name it, why not just call it Earth? Secondly, the
author states that the network's "control of the planet would be
almost complete: from the formation of the millions of terran species
to geological formation..." If they can do all this, why on earth
can't they terraform?
Zane's sudden revelation concerning the creation of a new lifeform
doesn't ring true. As it's written, the reader has no idea how he's
arrived at this conclusion.
Watch out for awkward modifiers, such as: "his mighty haired limbs
straining against the straps." Is it his limbs that are mighty or is
it the hair on them? Or: "Bodies stood frozen in countless metal
coffins, obliviously waiting to be reincarnated." "Obliviously" may
not be a word. Anyway, how can one wait obliviously? If you're
oblivious to your situation, then you're not waiting; if you're
waiting, then you're obviously not oblivious.
There were many misspellings and grammar/part of speech errors, for
instance, "payed" should be "paid," "they're" should be "their,"
"it's" should be "its," and "straight" should be "strait."
Generally, the sample feels as though the details need to be thought
through more clearly; the ending of the chapter is weak. Some of us
were curious about what was going to happen to Jack's family and would
have read on a little further, though.
Runner Up, science fiction chapter/partial chapter: RECLAMATION,
Conclusion, by Kirsten Faisal
The title seems to indicate that this is the end of the novel. It sure
reads like it. It has a nice opening, and is generally well-written
throughout. But we found it hard to follow. Each individual section
is not badly written, but it was hard to understand who was who and
what they were doing, presumably owing to our lack of familiarity with
the backstory and the characters.
Good back-and-forth in the scene with Sedrith and Al-Sadiq, but it's
difficult to figure out what's behind the emotions being expressed
without knowing more about what's gone before. This really becomes an
issue in the final sequence on the beach. Here's a list of the
characters who show up in that scene: Nan Tainnanin; Raygel; Tainnu;
Ryasuni; Juri; Nan Tennaver; Morien; Ryasu; Madareena Duvnee; Hew
Chalmer; Talagel; Tainnanin; Thdowrich Tainsu; Semm Pilarsu; Nan
Ryasu; Tainnuni; Daygel; Lizauro; Sedrith; Indiniro. Assuming that Nan
is some sort of honorific, we're still left with 17 names to keep
straight. The author seems to have worked out a fairly complex naming
formula, but without prior instruction we're left somewhat in the
dark. Are Nan Ryasu, Ryasu and Ryasuni the same person? How about Nan
Tainnanin, Tainnu, Tainnanin and Tainnuni? Help! This may all be a
function of having joined the story at its conclusion, but we had an
awfully hard time figuring out who was speaking to whom.
Putting aside our problems that could be attributed to coming in late
to the story, there was a lot of good writing here, especially in
Sedrith's verbal sparring with Al-Sadiq and in the scene where Ryasu
surgically exchanges identification strips (at least we think that's
what she was doing) between two individuals. Altogether, there are
interesting ideas and characters here, but the excerpt isn't yet
holding together writing-wise. The sentence structure feels very
stilted. The piece could use a good polish at the structural level.
And it's all right to use "she" or "he" instead of the character's
name on occasion.
Runner Up, short story: "Ice for the King" by Angela Boord
We liked this a lot, although in some ways it felt a little like the
pieces of ice that Tess is carrying around, and which serve as
metaphor throughout the story. That is to say, there's the piece of
story about Tess's place in Varuna's court, and her relationship with
her master, Criseiis, and there's also the story about Tess's past,
and there's also the story in which Tess meets the Forgotten God.
Possibly it's also a story about coming of age, and reclaiming one's
heritage. Not everything comes together as satisfyingly as it could,
but it's all nicely written, and interesting, and uses enough of the
usual sort of fantasy tropes to make us feel comfortable, while
introducing enough new and unusual elements to keep us reading.
As one editor says, "I'm not sure the introduction of the Forgotten
God worked for me. Till then the story had an almost fable-like
quality, and I felt from his behavior that Criseiis had sent her to
Varuna in order to learn an important lesson or so that some wonderful
thing might happen to her. But the dropping of the ice and the
introduction of the weird little god under the staircase, while
certainly important and wonderful, seem entirely serendipitous and not
related to Criseiis' portentous assurances that Tess was the only
person who should be sent to deliver the gift. The ending seems a bit
flat. What exactly was the point of her being sent to Varuna and what
would she have learned if she hadn't happened to drop the bowl and
meet the little god?"
It seemed a bit surprising, anyway, that a Forgotten God would be able
to restore ice. And one editor, although feeling that the Forgotten
God was the liveliest part of the story, wondered if it wouldn't be
better to keep the description of the god vague: somehow knowing that
he's small, green, and has a lot of arms, seems to make him too
specific. Maybe he should be a buzzing voice and a blur or a shadow,
or maybe he shouldn't ever come out from under the stairs at all. But
this section does overwhelm the rest of the story: we never really get
a sense of Criseiis, and what he expects of Tess, or even what she
expects of herself. We're told that Criseiis was once a slave--perhaps
this detail would be better conveyed in actual conversation. And it
would also be nice to have more of a sense of Varuna: at the moment,
the reader does a lot of the work fleshing out the characters, and the
reader's version is never as interesting as when the writer has done
the work.
As for Tess, for one thing, that name seemed a bit modern. More
importantly, we don't really know all that much about her, except that
she thinks about ice a lot. Tell us that she's dreamy and that she
doesn't get her work done. Tell us where she is when she can slip away
from her work. Tell us if she notices other people, and if other
people notice her. Tell us how she helps Criseiis with his magic. The
best description of her so far is the one Criseiis gives, of how she
"clung to me like a monkey."
It would also be nice to have more detail about heat and stickiness
and sweat (the word sweat gets used several times, and yet it doesn't
really feel like a sweaty story, yet) and smells, etc., to contrast
all the descriptions of ice.
Ice, in this story, represents a kind of stasis, like Criseiis' magic.
Tess has been in stasis, too, we know. And yet it isn't clear at the
end of the story what's going to happen, or how things have changed.
Tess has recovered her memory of her childhood, before she was taken
by raiders, and yet, what of it? We don't know what Varuna's reaction
to her, or to the ice will be. We don't know what Criseiis' plans are,
or what his reaction will be to the story about the Forgotten God. The
god is still under the stairs, and Tess is still a slave: at the
moment, a lot more work has gone into working out metaphors of ice and
heat than character or motivations or intrigue or narrative arc. One
of the difficulties, perhaps, is in making a static character
interesting to readers: give us a sense that there is fire as well as
ice in Tess's blood. Make her want things--small, tangible things as
well as large things, so that we can want them too. If, at the end,
she kept the ice for herself instead of bringing it to Varuna, that
might be more interesting.
You may end up cutting back some of the metaphors and symbolism, which
can slow down prose as much as they enrich it.
The description of the "silk-clad valets who delivered the nobles from
their horses to the ground as if they were pet birds" is beautiful.
". . .but he stood as tall as the banyan trees that clogged the banyan
trees visible from the minaret's window--" Even given the inadvertent
repetition, is he really as tall as those banyans? And just how tall
is that--are they notably short trees?
One last, perhaps fatal comment: as more than one editor noted, this
might be the first chapter of a novel...
Runner Up, short story: "Kentraal's Song" by Irami Osei-Frimpong
This story had a great deal of energy, as well the sort of nice
specific detail (in this case, about hackers and computer programmers)
that gives a good story weight. We would also like to point out the
author's other two submissions this month: they were also worth
reading. It's an impressive feat: holding our interest in a story
which is really about an instructor hacking into a student's computer
files. And Bebo was a interesting character: cocky, paranoid, as much
of a slacker as a hacker. We're not sure that we'd want to hang out
with him, but like some of Neal Stephenson's brainy/devious
characters, he's a lot of fun to read about, even if he is obnoxious
or tactless enough to blurt out on stage a question about his
professor's disability.
On the other hand, the larger story, specifically Kentraal's history,
was melodramatic and distracting rather than engaging. Most of the
editors found his rhyming clumsy. It threw readers out of the story.
If you're going to try something like this, you really have to make it
work, and it's easier to make it work if you keep it simple. He was
referred to as a paraplegic, but it seemed as if he'd only lost his
feet, or possibly his legs. Be specific. One editor goes on to say,
"For that matter, why on earth would he be using a wheelchair in this
near-future world? Even today, persons who've lost either their feet
or their whole legs can be fitted with excellent prosthetics that
allow them to walk and even run quite naturally."
It would seem far more credible if Kentraal had been shot in a drug
deal gone bad, rather than in a drug-dealer's attempt to break into a
bank. If you must have a bank robbery, then have Hallick shoot
Kentraal after he's cracked the code, not before. It's impossible to
believe that someone whose feet have just been shot off would be able
to stay conscious, let alone get think straight. And what happened to
Hallick and the bank robbery anyway? And do programmers and hackers
still use Pate?
How old is Kentraal? Tanzarian seems like a wasted character. In the
end, Kentraal's decision to tell Bebo his story seems awfully pointed:
he can't tell a woman that he's involved with--a friend--about his
past, but he can spill his guts to a young kid he's decided to mentor?
If you want to wrap up both narrative lines, why not have Kentraal
pick Bebo to teach, but let him open up to Tanzarian? In any case, if
Tanzarian is as good a hacker as she seems, surely she's researched
Kentraal's past and found out every single detail.
At the moment, this is a double narrative, with two stories going on
simultaneously: one belonging to Kentraal, the other to Bebo. This has
both advantages and disadvantages:. Do a good job and show us how
their character arcs play off of each other, and it makes the story
richer. On the other hand, it can split our attention and make the
story seem unfocused and sloppy. You might want to try rewriting it
two different ways: once from Kentraal's POV, and once from Bebo's.
Even if you end deciding to switch between the two, the story will
benefit from the overhaul.
There are several places where the author has apparently not quite
decided on word choice (like "Every day he woke up with pain soreness
in his legs.") and Milet is sometimes a "he", sometimes a "her."
In general, this story needs to be spell-checked and sprinkled
liberally with commas, and about a dozen sentences need the word "had"
inserted to switch them into the proper tense.
| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop recognizes members who
have given useful, insightful reviews. After all, that's what makes
the workshop go, so we want to give great reviewers a little
well-earned recognition! Here we list names and submissions reviewed;
on the workshop site we include comments from the submission's author.
(Most months we also award a prize to one or more special reviewers.)
If you got a really useful review and would like to add the reviewer
to the Reviewer Honor Roll, just use our online honor-roll nomination
form at http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml.
This month's honor roll:
Peter Dahl, reviewing THE GATHERING by Joshua Kewish
Jonathon Ebonsword, reviewing SQUARE THE MOON by Emlyn Roth
Kirsten Faisal, reviewing LEOPARDS IN LOVE by A. Bruno
Donna Johnson, reviewing THE RING OF CALBANNIN by Greg Byrne
Margo Lerwill, reviewing "Song of Afterlife" by Keong L
Elizabeth McGlothlin, reviewing "Summoner" by Keong L.
Irami Osei-Frimpong, reviewing "Sundown" by Debbie Moorhouse
The Professional Authors Group, reviewing THE RING OF CALBANNIN by
Greg Byrne
Matthew Subotnick, reviewing MARK OF THE WARRIOR, Chapter II, by Tochi
Onyebuchi
Heather Williams, reviewing DEMONS DESTINY, Ch. 12, by Shayne Easson
More details and specific praise can be found at:
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml
| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Elizabeth August (aka Kathleen Ward)'s short story "Still Waters"
appears in the January 15th issue of _Rogue Worlds_
(http://www.specficworld.com/rgworlds.html). She'll also be the
Featured Artist in the Febuary 2002 issue of _The Pedestal Magazine_.
John Borneman has sold story "Eggs Benedict" (a comedic mystery with a
light fantasy touch) to _Mystery Buff Magazine_ for their March 2002
issue. It was workshopped in the DRDWW. John says, "I cannot express
adequately how important this workshop is to writers both old and
new."
Hannah Wolf Bowen sold her non-traditional format challenge piece
"Love Song" to _Ideomancer_ (http://www.ideomancer.com). It went
through the workshop. She says, "The reviews were much appreciated."
Wendy Delmater has made her first SF sale--a poem, "Swing Radius," to
be featured in the March 2002 _Martian Wave_
(http://promartian.com/tmw.htm). And another sale, too: a short story
workshopped with us, "Retaliation," to _Mystery Buff Magazine_.
Robert Halmo has published CHILDREN OF THE GROVE, book one of an epic
fantasy series called _Lords of Darkness, Lords of Light_, with
1stBooks. A portion of the book's Prologue was workshopped at DRDWW
in 2000. Of the book, _Midwest Book Review_ says: "richly woven
fantasy...enthusiastically recommended." More info:
http://www.midwestbookreview.com/ibw/nov_01.htm#fantasy and
http://www.1stbooks.com
Simon Haynes's horror story "Sleight of Hand," published in _Potato
Monkey_, is on the short list for Australia's 2001 Aurealis Awards
(http://www.sf.org.au/aurealis/aa2001.html).
Nancy Proctor is the current featured author at _Ideomancer_
(http://www.ideomancer.com/main/ideoMain.htm), and "Mr. Neblin's Boy"
is the first of three of her stories they'll publish.
James Stevens-Arce's short story "Emmett" is in the current issue of
_Ideomancer_ (http://www.ideomancer.com/main/ideoMain.htm), as is a
review of his novel SOULSAVER.
In 2001 Jennifer Schwabach placed a three-part story, "The Project" with
quarterly print 'zine _The First Line_ (http://www.thefirstline.com),
which also printed her stories "Queen For a Day" and "Sunday on Cloud
Nine," and sold story "Her Father's Word" to _Speculon_
(http://www.speculon.com).
| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Number of members as of 1/20: 7233
Number of submissions currently online: 1538
Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 67.4%
Percent of submissions with zero reviews: .9%
Number of submissions in December: 853
Number of reviews in December: 3674
Ratio of reviews/submissions in December: 4.31
Estimated average word count per review in December: 414
Number of submissions in January to date: 622
Number of reviews in January to date: 2506
Ratio of reviews/submissions in January to date: 4.03
Estimated average word count per review in January to date: 431
| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
TIPS APPRECIATED
Got a helpful tip for your fellow members? A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission? Or a writing tip? Share it with us and if we agree it's
useful we'll publish it in the next newsletter. Just send it to
support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com and we'll do the rest.
See you next month!
The Del Rey Digital Writing Workshop for Science Fiction and Fantasy
delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com
| - - Copyright 2002 Online Writing Workshops, LLC - - - - - - - - -|
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