O | The Del Rey Digital Writing Workshop Newsletter, February 2002
W | http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!
| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
- Workshop Partner Information
- Workshop News:
Workshop partnership status
Gallery competition underway
Automatic password delivery
Nominate the Workshop for a Web-site Hugo Award!
Reviews by author Alan Dean Foster
The latest Member Challenge
Reminders for new members
- Editors' Choices for January submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Feedback:
Tips from members (and others)
| - - WORKSHOP PARTNER INFORMATION - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Online Writing Workshops's partnership with Del Rey Books continues
through April 5, 2002, making membership in the workshop free to all.
Visit the Del Rey Books Web site for sample chapters of upcoming
books, in-depth features, author interviews, special offers, and more:
http://www.randomhouse.com/delrey
Del Rey's featured titles for February/March:
STAR WARS: THE APPROACHING STORM by Alan Dean Foster
In the years since the events of "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace," the
Republic has continued to crumble, and more and more, the Jedi are
needed to help the galactic government maintain order. As Star Wars:
Episode II opens, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker have just
returned from a mission on a world called Ansion. Written by beloved
Star Wars veteran Alan Dean Foster, and starring a new character from
the upcoming movie, The Approaching Storm tells the story of that
daring mission.
Read an excerpt at:
http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=0345443004&view=excerpt
| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
WORKSHOP PARTNERSHIP STATUS
Online Writing Workshops and Del Rey Books are currently working on a
partnership or sponsorship deal for April 2002-March 2003. We have
agreed to extend Del Rey's current partnership contract one extra
month (until April 5) to give us time to work out the best possible
agreement for us, Del Rey, and you--the workshop members. We will
keep you informed, and as THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE says: "Don't panic."
Whether or not we have a corporate partner, the workshop will
certainly continue.
GALLERY COMPETITION UNDERWAY
The second Gallery e-book competition is underway (it began February
10), featuring many of the Editors' Choice novels of the last six
months. Visit the Gallery area of the workshop site to read the
entrants and rate them--the highest rated entries in SF and Fantasy
will be offered an e-book contract by Del Rey! You get to help choose
who Del Rey offers to publish, so cast your votes between now and
March 11 in the Gallery:
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/ebooks/
AUTOMATIC PASSWORD/ID DELIVERY
If you forget your member ID and/or password, you no longer need to
admit it to a human being! You can use our spankin'-new ID/password
quick-response system to cover up your forgetfulness. Just type in
your e-mail address and the workshop software will mail you your
log-in information immediately. Follow the "Forgot your password or
ID?" link on the lefthand side of the main page.
REVIEWS BY AUTHOR ALAN DEAN FOSTER
Bestselling Del Rey author Alan Dean Foster reviewed the nine Editors'
Choice nominees for January, and his comments are included in this
newsletter as well as being incorporated into the Editorial Board's
Editors' Choice/EC Runner Up reviews. We think you'll find Alan's
comments thorough and useful; we're glad he took the time to do them!
Alan's latest books are DIUTURNITY'S DAWN: Book Three of the Founding of
the Commonwealth and STAR WARS: THE APPROACHING STORM.
THE LATEST MEMBER CHALLENGE
Some core members of the workshop have begun a monthly writing
challenge, open to all, in which writers submit stories or scenes on a
particular topic. Past topics have included pain, love, death, and
music. The February challenge is to write a story about characters
who are trapped, either literally or figuratively. The March
challenge will be second-person point of view. For the current
challenge, rules, and how-to information, see a page maintained by a
member: http://www.thermeon.net/checkered/Challenge.html Basically,
just submit a piece on the current month's theme, put "Challenge" in
your title so other challenge participants can find it, and give at
least brief reviews to as many other challenge entrants as you can).
Search for titles containing "Challenge" to see some of the challenge
entries. We at OWW think this is great, but we aren't in charge. For
more information and to participate in choosing the challenge topics,
join the Writing discussion list
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/oww-sff-writing).
NOMINATE THE WORKSHOP FOR A WEB-SITE HUGO AWARD!
ConJose is presenting the first-ever Hugo Award for Best Web Site. If
you were a member of Philcon (supporting or attending) or are a member
of ConJose by 1/31/02 (supporting or attending) you can nominate up to
five Web sites for this award. If you are eligible to nominate,
please nominate the workshop! Nominations are due by March 31.
Information on the Web Site Hugo and a PDF of the nomination ballot:
http://www.conjose.org/wsfs/wsfs_web.html
http://www.conjose.org/wsfs/content/HugoNomBallot.pdf
REMINDERS FOR NEW MEMBERS
If you also write horror or dark fantasy, join our horror workshop;
it's at http://horror.onlinewritingworkshop.com. You'll need to
create a separate membership for that workshop; your member ID and
password from this workshop will not get you in there. (But you can
choose the same ID and password there as here, if you like.)
Using the "append text" form: you need to submit your first chunk of
text via the regular submission form before you follow the link to the
"append text" form and submit the rest.
Adding your picture to the member directory: your picture must be
stored on a different Web server. Make sure that server allows access
from other servers--some don't. Your picture URL must start with
"http://", the URL is case-sensitive (e.g., don't use uppercase if the
file is named in lowercase) and it must be no bigger than 200 x 200
pixels.
| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Editors' Choices are the submissions from the previous month that
show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of our
Editorial Board. Each gets a composite review by the Board, which is
published on the site and in the newsletter. We usually pick one
fantasy chapter or partial chapter, one SF chapter or partial chapter,
and one short story. (The volume of short stories is much less than
that of chapters, so we're not going to pick a fantasy story and an SF
story each month unless that imbalance changes. Mixed SF/F chapters
will be considered under whichever category seems to predominate in
the submission.) We also list two runners-up in each category, with
our comments.
To view Editors' Choices on the workshop, go to the submission list
and click on "Editors' Choices" in the Submission Selector. Six
months of ECs will be archived there, with their editorial reviews.
Our Editorial Board:
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/editorialboard.shtml
In order to make sure that some of our most professional
members don't take too much attention away from other deserving
writers, we've decided that novels will be ineligible for EC
consideration if they have been chosen as previous ECs in any
six-month period (January-June and July-December). Runner-ups will
not be subject to this rule. So if a chapter of your novel has been
an EC, we won't put future chapters of it into the nomination process
for a while--but if those chapters are of EC/runner-up quality, we
will be acknowledging them briefly just to be fair.
Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors and runners
up!
Note: It's interesting how the strength of the submissions seems to go
in waves each month. Sometimes there are a lot of strong submissions
in a given month and sometimes the selection is more patchy, with
chapters that are strong in some elements and less so in others. One
editor commented that this month's fantasy choices felt more like
private worlds--lovingly developed by the authors and in which they
were clearly content to spend lots and lots of time--than like writing
aimed for general consumption. Writers in SF and fantasy must devote
this kind of attention to world-building in order to craft convincing
stories, but it would be an interesting exercise for these authors to
now decide which elements they might select to make their novels.
Editors' Choice, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: THE BROKEN SEAS
by Dena Taylor
We generally found the writing in this entry to be the strongest of
the three. A fine start to the story, though it's a bit off-putting
to find the words "Five years later..." at the beginning of the book's
opening chapter. This chapter could also use more detail in the
dialogue. One of us found that touches like "willya" and "glop" gave
the dialogue a persistently modern ring that sometimes jarred with the
ancient setting. It's always a difficult set of choices, how to
represent the speech patterns of an ancient world (says the
sympathetic editor who's dealing with the same dilemma in her
work-in-progress).
The description of the bull-leaping is meticulous and nicely
presented, though it does build up expectations that the action of the
story is taking place in ancient Crete. These expectations are called
into question when names like Arick and Lehring e'Berico are
introduced. Is this a fantasy set in the world of our own ancient
history, or in a purely invented one? If the latter, it might be
prudent to come up with another sport, one that perhaps draws on
bull-leaping for inspiration, but which is less evocative of a real
time and place.
Arick has the potential to become an engaging character, and some of
the action scenes are entertaining--though the fight with Monster and
his brother seems like chaos for its own sake, rather than to
establish character or advance the story. Show us more about this
world and its people before trying to engage us in elaborate fight
scenes that seem to have no effect on the plot. By the end of Chapter
One, we should have a strong sense that there is a plot building.
Watch out for hyperbole here: "He was bald, and one side of his skull
was caved in from some long-ago fight." A dent or a gruesome-looking
scar in his skull, yes, but most people don't walk around carrying
pigs after having had half their skull caved in. At the least, he
should show some evidence of significant brain damage.
Watch for awkward and attenuated sentences, such as this one: "Thanks,
Zykotitas," he smiled gratefully, the engaging smile that always made
the medicine woman want to get a little closer than the much younger
Arick was probably interested in." This could be broken up into a few
smaller sentences. Note, too; he didn't smile his thanks, he spoke
it. Also, since this story is being told from Arick's POV, he should
know definitely, not probably, just how close he's interested in
getting to the medicine woman.
Generally, there's some strong writing and dynamic action here that
could benefit from a bit more focus.
Editors' Choice, SF chapter/partial chapter: THE HORSES OF ACHILLES by
Marguerite Reed
This featured interesting characters (though we need to know more
about them), a different setting for a far-future tale, and some
intriguing sub-plots (the Beast-soldiers, personal sexual
relationships, etc.). It shows real promise, and illustrates an
intriguing sociological setup.
This piece begins with a monster of an expository lump that seems very
out of place in the novel's sixth chapter. Some parts of it are vivid
and well-written. Still, this needs to appear somewhere else, not in
Chapter Six!
The author is concerned that the chapter is too "talky." We had
different responses: "excellent writing; enjoyed reading this"; "A
little cerebral, but well written"; "Ponderous and overwritten."
Clearly, one person's "cerebral" is another person's "ponderous," but
it seems that a number of us identified the same quality in the
writing. It's not so much that it's too "talky," but that that a good
chunk of the talk didn't seem to be advancing the story. We found
padding, musings, and little infodumps that did not move the story
forward. The author might try for a more even balance between lyricism
of language and dynamism of plot.
For example, the narrator delivers a lengthy meditation on the many
ways death can strike on her world. This is the kind of thing that
needs to be shown, not said--or at least said in context--for example,
when the narrator is out in the desert of which she speaks.
With mostly only dialogue to go on, we had some trouble telling the
speakers apart.
We spotted some possible anachronisms: "'Dyke,' he muttered.
"'Faggot,' I hissed." This rings false. Has the author established a
usage for these very contemporary American English words in her future
society? This chapter contains the same sort of wavering between
futuristic slang and absolutely present-day Earth referents found in
past chapters of the novel. In particular, Andras' comment about
"Truth, justice and the galactic way" falls flat. Have we established
that there _is_ a Galactic Way? And would his contemporaries
understand the reference to a quote from an ancient television show?
Only at the end of the chapter do we finally find out Moira's
subversive plan. Conflict in place, we feel we're ready to begin the
story. But this should be occurring at the end of Chapter One, not
Chapter Six. Slim down the narrative, set up the conflict up front,
and you'll have a more compelling beginning to a promising novel.
Editors' Choice, short story: "Dust Came Down" by Marlin Seigman
This story provoked extreme and opposite responses from the various
members of the Editorial Board; usually, that's a sign that a writer
is doing something right. Several editors found the writing
pleasing (even if the story was somewhat slight), but one editor wrote,
"This story seems like a perfect example of style triumphing over
substance--if triumphing is the right word. I found the writing to be
self-conscious and the protagonist repellent." On the other hand, guest
author/editor Alan Dean Foster wrote, "With the couple of minor
suggestions attended to, I'd buy this one myself right now if I was
currently editing an appropriate anthology or magazine."
This isn't a particularly pleasant story, nor is the narrator a
particularly pleasant narrator. What did please almost everyone was
the attention to details: the name of the club, Club Happiness Falls;
the waitress whom the narrator and Jerry pretend is an Aztec princess;
the girl's wings; the boy who dances against the beat of the music;
the man who sells chicle.
Several editors did want more of a change at the end. As Foster says,
"It's not enough to know just that the girl is gone. Needs more
resolution." This is a story about loss--the narrator is losing two
people: Jerry and the girl with the wings. We probably aren't going to
ever know more about the girl with wings (although we could get a bit
more description of her wings), but we could know a bit more about
what Jerry means to the narrator. The story about Jerry's dog doesn't
work as well as another story might. It's a good connection between
Mexico and Jerry's past, but an even better story would manage to
reveal something about the narrator as well.
It might also be nice to have a scene in which the narrator sees the
winged girl on stage. This would work well later, by contrast, when
the boy is dancing. And give us a bit more of a feel for her
wings--maybe literally, if the narrator reaches out and strokes them.
Tell us what they feel like. And Jerry has seen the winged girl,
right? You might give us something, in conversation, about what he
thought of her.
It might be useful (even if it doesn't end up in the story) to
contemplate what the narrator does to make the money he spends down in
Mexico. Frequently writers don't bother to give their characters any
sort of occupation, only preoccupations.
The style in this story works beautifully for the most part. There are
a few places where phrases perhaps get repeated once or twice too
often--for example, when the narrator repeats the doctor's words
verbatim--"It is clean like it should be." Perhaps he could just tell
Jerry that the pills are "clean?" Later on, in Jerry's monologue,
"Yes these are good pills. Clean like they should be," again feels a
bit forced and silly. "Leather face" doesn't really work. We might
suggest cutting the entire paragraph beginning "I sit watching him for
a while, skin hanging off him, this big leather tough man I've loved
so long, the man who taught me about life..." This paragraph seems
like a parody of Hemingway-esque prose--it's a bit over the top. Less
sentiment, and more backstory to show us why Jerry means so much to
him, would be a good idea.
Also, keep in mind that a style as extreme and clipped as this one can
only take you so far. We'd love to see more stories, but try on other
voices, other rhythms. And send this story out, after you give it one
last polish! It'll fly, somewhere.
Runner Up, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: SKINWALKERS by Brian
McKinley
The opening is fine, pulling us into the action.
There are some interesting ideas here, but they get bogged down in
infodumps, and the characters constantly go into lecture mode. One's
attention tends to flag during the long passages of exposition. It's
good that the author knows so much about indigenous cultures and the
differences between the various tribes, but since this is a novel, the
story shouldn't suffer for the sake of the--admittedly
important--cultural details. Here's a case where the author really
has to pick how much information to tell; one editor felt it would be
possible to drop the whole tale-telling in the sweat lodge without
affecting the story. The chapter draws to a close with Alia agreeing
to tell the other Native Americans the Story of the Hopi. To a reader
already drowning in a sea of exposition, this seems like a threat of
more punishment to come, rather than the hint of future wonders it was
probably intended to be.
The narrator describes a policeman she's just encountered, noting that
"his naturally warm eyes grew wary as he studied them." After only a
few seconds of interaction, how can she know that his eyes are
naturally warm? She then provides the following observation: "She'd
noticed that Cleave's face, attitude and physical bulk caused other
men to immediately fall into either a submissive or confrontational
posture, depending on their nature. The policeman seemed to choose
confrontation." Yet the next sentence shows him to be anything but
confrontational: "'Evening, folks,' he said mildly, his full
attention on Cleave's, 'I need your names.'"
The author has a general problem with run-ons, possibly prompted by
the desire to squeeze too much into one sentence. An example: "She
couldn't understand why the path to the entrance wasn't straight,
either (she hadn't known to ask this back in the stairway), it seemed
to deliberately twist and wind through the heart of the casino floor
with all its clanging and flashing."
The characters often presented complicated scientific theories came
across as stiff and unbelievable. One theory in particular, that the
change from human to vampire involves having one's muscles attach to
the bones in different places, seems particularly incredible. Animals
and humans alike have evolved the muscle/bone connections necessary
for each species' carriage and mode of locomotion. What kind of sense
would it make for vampires--who still have human form--to take on the
muscle attachments of a different (probably quadrupedal) species? At
the very least, wouldn't it make them walk funny?
There's a best-selling novel by the same name written by Tony
Hillerman. The author may want to take this into account, especially
since both feature Native American characters and deal with subject
matter relating to Native American myth and legend.
Runner Up, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: CHAOS ABOUNDS by Michelle
Thuma
The writing and ideas are pretty good, but we found the chapter a bit
clunky. We'd rather have it resolve rather than ending with a
"cliffhanger," which is a technique more suited to visual
storytelling, such as television or graphic novels. The author is
trying to convey far too much in this single chapter; so many new
concepts and settings set the editors' heads spinning. A slower pace
may show off the ideas and improve the flow of things.
Watch out for repeating ideas and verbs; work on more subtle versions
of repeated actions, and watch out for telling rather than showing.
For example, the descriptions of Chaos having to constantly pull and
prod her companions soon become tedious. The characters gape at their
surroundings too often, and unfortunately reader doesn't share the
jaw-dropping awe that keeps the travelers rooted to the trail.
We found this jarring: "A smaller door near the top of the structure
opened into a mini-bar for the residents of Tier One..." The
contemporary word "mini-bar" knocks us right out of this elaborate
fantasy world.
"Her eyes bulged in a mixture of terror and shock, clutching her
tankard of water tightly in one fist and fingering her newly-made
necklace with her other hand." Eyes are the subject here when it's
really the eyes' owner that's doing the clutching.
It's hard to keep the characters straight. When weirdness is piled on
weirdness for no apparent reason, it starts to become commonplace, and
loses the effect the author is trying for. How does a floating
dragon's eye communicate? Is there any internal logic to this world,
or is it a case of anything can happen? The author obviously cares
about these characters, which is essential to writing a good book, but
we as readers need to care about them more than we do so far.
Runner Up, science fiction chapter/partial chapter: PYRAMID by
Wayne W. Cline
Good opening--it gets right into the story, and does a good job of
immersing us in Hemiunu's world. A good choice to pick this
particular personage from Ancient Egypt. We couldn't tell where the
story setting was going; is it going to be set in ancient Egypt,
modern Egypt, or what? Beyond those areas of agreement, we were
divided over this chapter. Some of us very much liked the writing,
but some of us would not read on. One of us felt that Hemiunu is not
a very sympathetic character, since on the strength of the aliens'
word he has decided to murder many men. However, some of us feel that
Hemiunu rings true. Some of us felt that the Egyptian was laid on a
bit heavy at times. One of us also had this to say: "I thought that I
had read all the Egyptian/spacemen various that there were out there
and nothing would surprise me. This one surprised me. I found the
idea interesting and fresh. Your have done your research, but you are
not slavish to it. The story reflects your knowledge without being hit
over the head."
Hemiunu's encounter with the aliens drags on and needs pruning. It
takes until page 3 for the event to happen! This is where the story
should start. The flashback spoils the energy of the encounter--too
much detail. This chapter could benefit from lots of pruning. Hemiunu
is constantly noticing something, wondering about it, deciding to ask
his visitors about it, and then asking them. If he simply asked his
questions, the reader would be quite capable of filling in the
previous three steps.
"Magic and religion were inextricably intertwined in his culture" is
not a thought Hemiunu would have had. It jars the reader, as it pushes
Hemiunu out of character.
The ending ("The message was safe, quite possibly forever") makes it
plain that the message will not be safe at all.
Predictable, but with interesting twists on an oft-visited idea. Some
of us are intrigued enough to keep reading.
Runner Up, science fiction chapter/partial chapter: EDGE OF MIDNIGHT
by Rob Campbell
This started well, but lost steam and direction in the second half.
This chapter has a lot of infodumping. Be careful of word repetition
and awkward grammar and phrasing.
Ceres' minimal gravity could only "crumple" a space-going ship, that
vessel would have to be largely composed of solar sails, or some
equally fragile material. If that's the case, describe it as so for
the reader. If not, then the scientific underpinning is invalid. And
Ceres' gravity is too weak to allow for walking around in the usual
sense. Can the characters use weighted boots?
When they drop down to Ceres, the Olympus is described as empty. It
seems odd to leave a spaceship orbiting without a single crew member
on board.
Nice: "They had captured what they could of the old ways, and when
ignorant, improvised."
We're told that the Simla "looked and sounded presidential, her tiny
size no liability." Then why keep mentioning it? (Example: "Neelesh
Simla peeped over the podium.") Such descriptions seem designed to
depict her as cute and girlish rather than presidential.
Simla says that she came to negotiate "an expression of regret for
your company's mining raids on the Argyre Plain." It would not be
economically feasible for Ceres to have engaged in such raids--Mars is
way down the gravity well!
Before introducing Pat d'Estrange, James's "ears glowed again. How
would they react to Pat?" This sets up an expectation on the part of
the reader. The next several paragraphs are extremely anticlimactic
as Pat proves to be a perfectly ordinary individual.
As an opening chapter, this is not very exciting. It does an adequate
job of introducing character and situation, but doesn't offer much to
pull the reader onward. It's more of a travelogue than anything else.
We might read another chapter to see if anything develops, but would
probably stop there unless something very interesting had been
revealed or set in motion.
Runner Up, short story: "The Candle" by Debbie Moorhouse
Most of the editors liked this a great deal, although some felt that
the set-up was perhaps a bit too leisurely: by the end of Part One, we
still don't know much about The Candle, or about the difficulties that
Marie has been called in to fix. It's a great beginning, as our
curiosity leads us along with Marie. (It's always smart to begin a
story right in the middle of things.)
Moorhouse writes great dialogue, and sentence by sentence, her writing
is very polished (although all of the short-story nominees this month
could use some instruction in the rigors of comma usage). The SF
element in the story is interesting, although almost as soon as we
discover how it works, and what the problem may be, it's offstage
again. At heart, however, this is a character-driven story, and it's
held together by Marie's backstory, which we get in small insets, and
its repercussions on her present life.
Suspense builds nicely all the way through: when we learn, with Marie,
that transmissions from the mission have stopped, each member ceasing
to transmit live; when Caron's secretary tells Marie that she has been
dreaming about her. (It would be nice if the two women go into detail
about this dream at lunch.)
We did think that Turin Jerome's presence on the mission was a bit too
strong of a coincidence. Perhaps, instead, he could be part of the
reason why Marie left the Project? He's an extremely interesting
character, and it would be great to see a bit more of him in the
present-day narrative--maybe in the recorded messages that Marie is
studying. In the end, when she sends him away, this seems less like a
good, strong decision that she's made, and more of a piece with her
difficulties and dismissal of most of the men working on the Candle
Project. (Although we did love the raven.)
As one editor pointed out, Marie's anger toward men is heavy-handed:
comments like "A new toy for the boys," and "Men, she thought. Give
them a choice between safe and dangerous, and they'll choose
dangerous, every time," could be construed as sexism where the author
might want them to be mere expressions of annoyance. When she requests
to be shown to her room at Los Alamos, Ellis's response ("'Need to
redo your make-up?' His smile was patronising") seems a bit
unrealistic, as if the author were creating exaggerated male
adversaries in order to justify Marie's resentment. Or perhaps you
could make the project just a little more co-ed, or perhaps use
Caron's secretary in a few more scenes--if you give us two women,
talking about men, it will seem a little less exaggerated.
The flashbacks are nicely described, although they need to be set off
from the rest of the story: use a standard formatting style like
italics or line breaks.
During one of the Turin flashbacks, the pair are described thusly:
"His hand on her breast, her hand on his shoulder, mosquitoes on every
bare bit of their flesh." They then go on to have a full page worth
of teasing dialogue. It's extremely hard for the reader to attend to
this conversation knowing that the two speakers are COMPLETELY COVERED
IN MOSQUITOES!
Race and gender and sexual dynamics are extremely significant to this
story: and yet, at the end, there's no attempt to contrast or compare
Marie's situation with Turin's in any useful way. Think about how they
relate: it will strengthen and enrich an already very intelligent
story.
The mystery deepens nicely when Caron's secretary recognizes Marie as
someone she's seen in her dreams. It would be great to get a few more
dreams, and it would also be nice to know why Turin was dreaming of
Marie. Was it because she might be useful in bringing him home? Why
don't we get any of dreams of the other people on the mission? Maybe
we need, at the very end, a dream of Marie's own.
We're really looking forward to seeing more fiction by this author.
Runner Up, short story: "Become the Rain" by John Dodds
The beginning of this story is almost perfect--focused, beautifully
written, and compelling. Unfortunately, the farther in we get, the
more confused we become. We don't get all that much more about the
things we were initially intrigued by: Xarayele's immediate
background, his history, his family, his mentor Madafara, his world.
Instead we get telepathic, sadistic tormentors/captors, alien devices,
and enough plot twists to baffle Chris Carter. There are way too many
infodumps--Xarayele's conversation with the mind-speakers, and the
closing scene with Madafara, contain enough information to fill a much
longer story. The ending is also not satisfying; it implies much more
action to come rather than wrapping up this story.
Slow down some! Where is Kushnu, the older girl whom he loves? Where
is his own village, and why doesn't he ever end up back there? What
about his mother? Who are the Shada-Pakka, and why are they important
to the story, and how does the Shada-Pakka ritual of cutting out the
voice box work on beings who don't have a voice box (presumably) in
the first place? Even the rain, which starts out as a promising story
element, becomes part of the jumble--we need to know more about the
way things are when it's not raining, find out how often rains like
this come, see it stop, and find out how things change (or don't
change!) for Xarayele when the world (at least climatically) has gone
back to the way he feels it ought to be. (If you can't find a better
use for these elements, then don't put them in in the first place.
Your readers are going to complain.) There are so many things crammed
into this story that even Xarayele seems to disappear: as guest
author/editor Alan Dean Foster says, "Well-written, but I just
couldn't identify with the lead character. The fear he's supposed to
be feeling didn't come across. There's a matter-of-factness to
everything that happens that eliminates any suspense, and I was
confused by the 'tests' he undergoes."
The scene where Xarayele matches the symbol on his medallion with the
sketch in the old book would be more believable if the medallion had
been introduced earlier in the story instead of trotted out for the
first time when he sees its likeness in the book. Also at the
strangers' settlement, Xarayele sees members of his own tribe "whom he
had thought dead, or had disappeared before he was born." His society
has been described as pre-technological--how does he recognize people
who disappeared before his birth?
At this point the story speeds up, as if the author has decided that
he needs to bring it to a conclusion, and new developments are piled
up far too quickly. Xarayele discovers that his heart has been
removed and replaced with an artificial organ, though he apparently
feels no discomfort after such a serious procedure. We are told that
Xarayele's people came from the stars thousands of years ago and
somehow lost their own technology over the ensuing millennia, and that
the natives, who are dying because of an illness brought by the
aliens, have somehow taken control of most of that technology, but
we're not told _how_ this has occurred. It rings false, mainly
because Xarayele has everything explained to him rather than being
allowed to gradually uncover these things for himself.
Suddenly it's several years in the future. We've missed all the
experiences and learning that have taken Xarayele from boyhood to
maturity during his long captivity among these monsters, making him a
virtual stranger to us during the story's final section. The final
sentence concerning the enemies and their lack of shadows also falls
flat. Though the rain beast in the folk tales of Xarayele's people had
no shadow, we're never led to believe that that is also true of the
strangers.
To sum up, while this begins as a short story, it very quickly becomes
a very messy (although interesting) sort of novel outline. On a
sentence-by-sentence level, you've got our attention. Work on
character development and background, regardless of length. We're
curious to see what you do with this story.
SPECIAL FEATURE: COMMENTS ON JANUARY EC NOMINEES BY AUTHOR
ALAN DEAN FOSTER
Del Rey's bestselling author Alan Dean Foster commented on the January
EC nominees for the workshop as a special bonus for their authors.
Below are his reviews.
HORSES OF ACHILLES--Reed
Excellent writing; enjoyed reading this. Hard to get a sense of
what's going on since it's a Chapter 6. I was taken by the concept of
a world of generally pacific vegetarians trying to figure out how to
maintain their society as part of an apparently far more aggressive
and wide galactic civilization.
I did not find it too "talky," as per author's concern. What I did
have trouble with was that a good chunk of the talk didn't seem to be
advancing the story. And with mostly only dialogue to go on, I had
some trouble telling the speakers apart.
One point I couldn't resolve. Are the genetically-engineer soldiers
(i.e., the Beast and his ilk) pumped full of animal genes, or
something akin to that? The short comment about the cheetah caught my
attention more than anything else in the chapter. Also, there was
quite a bit of sex and sex-related musing. While I'm always delighted
to read such, it detracts from rather than advancing the story line.
Note to the author: when you overuse obscenities, they rapidly lose
their punch. Furthermore, repeated use seems out of keeping with the
character of your earnest, concerned, conserving, peaceful
vegetarians.
Pretty good stuff. I'd like to read more about how the locals handle
their problem of erecting a proper defense against intruders without
compromising their ideals.
EDGE OF MIDNIGHT--Campbell
The writing is good. But after reading the chapter, I still have no
sense of what the book is supposed to be about. Allusions are made to
a history of conflict between Mars and the people of the asteroids.
There is talk of a mining "raid" (why would people living in the
asteroids, presumably as miners, go to the expense and trouble of
going all the way to Mars to mine something? If there's a reason...a
specific mineral or something else...it isn't discussed here).
Big leap for me: how do remnant populations of six thousand people on
Mars and twelve thousand on Ceres maintain an advanced, high-tech
civilization and lifestyle, much less spacecraft? Far more people
work for Boeing alone, and they have trouble turning out and
maintaining simple aircraft. It seems to me that if all twelve
thousand people on Ceres did nothing but work to sustain life there,
the population would still be insufficient to maintain the quality of
life described by the author. Author needs to enlarge his populations
considerably, or toss in a whale of a lot of "maintenance" machinery,
robots, etc.
PYRAMID--Cline
Good opening...gets right into the story. Got me involved.
I happen to like the phrase "those who were like men." Perhaps to
individualize it, it could be written Those-Who-Were-Like-Men. I see
no need to translate it into Egyptian. I like the character of
Hemiunu. He rings true. I enjoyed the majority of the Egyptian
detail, though it is laid on a bit heavy at times. Query: did the
ancient Egyptians have tents?
I also like the writing. If only I hadn't seen the story and its
inevitable resolution coming by page two. Verdict: much good work and
decent writing in the service of an already ancient and hoary premise.
Death to all von Daniken clones. I'd like to see the writer use his
skills and evident erudition in the service of a new idea.
SKINWALKERS--McKinley
Opening grabbed me. Decent writing, too. One bit of confusion that
the author may intend clearing up later in the tale: skinwalkers are
not vampires, and vice versa. Therefore, I was never sure which or
what the protagonists are dealing with here. Nor do I know what
happened in the casino (explained in the preceding chapter, I
suspect).
What I do know is that after interesting me in the story, the author
proceeded to lose my interest with long conversations between the
characters that failed to advance it. Not to mention the whole sweat
lodge business at the chapter's end. This anthropological exposition
could profitably be much compressed. It's the sort of thing that
belongs in a footnote, readable at the back of a book, not dropped
whole into the body of the story. Because it doesn't advance the
story--it stops it cold.
I want to know what's up with vampires/skinwalkers, modern Amerinds,
and a Las Vegas casino. You can stick lore into a story, but not at
the expense of story. Read Moby Dick. Plenty about whaling, but the
story keeps moving forward.
CHAOS ABOUNDS--Thuma
There's lots of detailed description of highly detailed details; some
of it interesting, some of it less so. I never got a sense of who any
of the subsidiary characters were, and not much of the main character,
either. The story seems to be something about her wanting to become
the God of Dark, but the chapter provides no clue as to what that is.
Everyone seems to be wandering, which is fine, but to no evident
purpose, which is not. There's no forward thrust to the story. The
author needs to give her moseying characters a swift kick in their
phantasmagorical butts.
THE BROKEN SEAS--Taylor
Well-written, fast-moving tale of ancient Crete...where's the fantasy
element...in another chapter? Got me interested in not just one, but
all the characters. That's an accomplishment. Editor's notation says
this is fantasy, but it reads like a straight historical novel. I'd
like to see more. Going to be hard to sell a fantasy with no fantasy
in it.
DUST CAME DOWN--Seigman
It's not enough to know just that the girl is gone. Needs more
resolution. She can be dead, have taken off with another john, just
took off on a bus to nobody knows where--maybe a flying school
(seen-it-all barman's cruel joke). Story just needs that tiny extra
bit of resolving. Maybe also a tinge more explanation of how/what/why
the altered folk are what they are, to add just a touch more SF
feeling.
Sexual element is prominent but nicely understated. Much more
effective that way. Good work.
With the couple of minor suggestions attended to, I'd buy this one
myself right now if I was currently editing an appropriate anthology
or magazine.
BECOME THE RAIN--Dodds
Well-written, but I just couldn't identify with the lead character.
The fear he's supposed to be feeling didn't come across. There's a
matter-of-factness to everything that happens that eliminates any
suspense, and I was confused by the "tests" he undergoes. Would work
better if written entirely in the third person. The bouncing back and
forth between POVs is disconcerting. Wish I could be more specific on
this one.
THE CANDLE--Moorhouse
The main protagonist is interesting, the secondary characters much
less so. The shifting back and forth between the protagonist's
thoughts and real time is not that distracting, but the fact that
there is no physical separation of same within the ms. is very jarring
to a reader.
| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop recognizes members who
have given useful, insightful reviews. After all, that's what makes
the workshop go, so we want to give great reviewers a little
well-earned recognition! Here we list names and submissions reviewed;
on the workshop site we include comments from the submission's author.
(Most months we also award a prize to one or more special reviewers.)
If you got a really useful review and would like to add the reviewer
to the Reviewer Honor Roll, just use our online honor-roll nomination
form at http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml.
This month's honor roll:
L A, reviewing THE HEIR OF GLAMINGFRO, Ch. 5 by Craig Flynn
Geoff Abrahams, reviewing THE CRYPTO-CREDIT WAR by Roger Deutsch
Clover Autrey, reviewing "To Let Children Walk With Nature" by
Rhonda S. Garcia
Vince Blackburn, reviewing "To Let Children Walk With Nature" by
Rhonda S. Garcia
Mike Blumer, reviewing THE GLAMOURS OF GUILDERSLEAVE, Ch. 1 by
John Borneman
Roger Deutsch, reviewing WE OF THE EXCELSIOR (Ch. 1 fragment) by
Cat Jarrett
Roger Deutsch, reviewing TO THE MOON AND HOME by Kirsty Thomson Dunlop
Gareth Dyson, reviewing LEGEND OF THE WHITE DRAGON: VIGIL by Melanie
Franciere
Rhonda S. Garcia, reviewing "Chapter One: The VR Room" by M. Murphy
Melva Gifford, reviewing THE BATTLE OF THE CROWN, Ch. 1 by Mads Birkvig
Pen Hardy, reviewing EXILED EMPRESS 32-34 and MAIDEN WARRIOR 2 by
Larry West
Richard Kivi, reviewing ACADEMY, Ch. 1 by John D. Wilson
Sharon Lee McGaw, reviewing THE PALPHERO, Ch. 5 by Samuel Fogarty
Sarah Prineas, reviewing MAIDEN WARRIOR 2 by Larry West
Jeff Stanley, reviewing SLEEPING DRAGONS, Ch. 2 by Mandy Collins
Mike Weatherford, reviewing "A Soldier's Duty" by Jason Heslip
JW wrenn, reviewing LEGEND OF THE WHITE DRAGON: VIGIL by Melanie
Franciere
Richard Zeller, reviewing "Skeleton Key, Conquest to a Destiny" by
Eva Mejia
More details and specific praise can be found at:
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml
| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Leah Bobet sold a short story called "Playing the Dozens" to
_Ideomancer_ (http://www.ideomancer.com). The story was inspired by a
discussion on the workshop's mailing list.
Wendy Delmater has sold her short story "If the Light" to Gateway SF
(http://www.gateway-sf-magazine.com).
R. Jay Driskill's fantasy novel ROGUESBLADE is self-published and
available via Xlibris (http://www.xlibris.com/Roguesblade.html). Also,
his short story, "Jerry Smile" has been accepted for publication in
the February 2002 _Science Fiction and Fantasy World_
(http://www.sffworld.com). Both the first few chapters of the novel
and "Jerry Smile" were workshopped. He says, "This workshop has made
a major difference in my writing, and I believe it would have taken a
lot longer to get published without it. Possibly never."
Mark Fewell's science fiction/horror short-short "Strangers On A
Timeline" appears in Issue #12 of _Hadrosaur Tales_
(http://www.hadrosaur.com).
Heidi Kneale has sold a nonfiction article entitled "Coping Mechanisms
for Plot Block" to LongRidge Writers Group
(http://www.longridgewritersgroup.com/rx/wc05/pb.shtml).
Marc Sanchez has five stories coming out this month: "Anguish
Manifest" in Horrorfind (http://www.horrorfind.com); "This is Life" in
_Shadow Keep_; "Bobbers" in _Morbid Musings_ #6
(http://www.meghansmusings.com); and "Electric Blue" in _Expressions_.
He's sold "Natural Pain Killers" to _Alternate Realities_
(http://www.alternaterealitieszine.com) for inclusion in their next
issue, and "Perceptions" to new online magazine _Sinisteria_
(http://sinisteria.topcities.com) for inclusion in their Issue #3.
Mikal Trimm's story "Phantom Pain" is in _Palace of Reason_
(http://www.palaceofreason.com)'s February issue. Mikal says, "This
story was one of the first I put up at the workshop, and the positive
responses from the reviewers helped me stick with the story through
several (obviously misguided!) rejections." Also, he sold a poem,
"The Trial of Puddin'ead," to a new online speculative poetry 'zine,
_Sidereality_ (http://www.sidereality.com), and sold another poem,
"The Circumstances of His Departure," to _Science Fiction Poetry
Review_ (http://www.science-fiction-poetry-review.net).
Steve Westcot has signed a three-book deal with Vanguard Press, an
imprint of Pegasus Elliot MacKenzie in Great Britain
(http://www.pegasuspublishers.com/Vanguard.html). The first book is
due out by the end of 2002 with the second due out the middle of 2003.
Steve says, "The first book, RELUCTANT HEROES, was partly workshopped
on the old Del Rey workshop and underwent many changes due to
excellent crits from the likes of Nancy Proctor and Keby Thomson. My
current work, BRUVVERS IN ARMS, has been mostly workshopped. Grateful
thanks to Pen Hardy, Lisa Clardy, Nancy Proctor, Keby Thomson, Roger
Anderson, Mike McCloskey, and Christiana Ellis for sticking with me
throughout this book and helping me fine tune it to what it is now.
Also to all those who have popped in for a chapter or two to air their
useful views. If it were not for the old Del Rey site and for this
newer, improved workshop I would not be at the stage I am at now, and
certainly would not have been offered a three-book publishing
contract."
Amber van Dyk sold her short story "Sleeping, Waking, Nightfall" to
_Lady Churchill's Rosebud Wristlet_ (http://www.lcrw.net/lcrw). The
story was Amber's entry into the recent non-traditional-format
challenge on the workshop, and was also an Editors' Choice for
September 2001. It will appear in the June 2002 issue of _LCRW_.
| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Number of members as of 2/20: 7755
Number of submissions currently online: 1752
Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 66.5%
Percent of submissions with zero reviews: 1.3%
Number of submissions in January: 1148
Number of reviews in January: 4782
Ratio of reviews/submissions in January: 4.2
Estimated average word count per review in January: 419
Number of submissions in February to date: 717
Number of reviews in February to date: 3022
Ratio of reviews/submissions in February to date: 4.21
Estimated average word count per review in February to date: 398
| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
TIPS APPRECIATED
Got a helpful tip for your fellow members? A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission? Or a writing tip? Share it with us and if we agree it's
useful we'll publish it in the next newsletter. Just send it to
support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com and we'll do the rest.
See you next month!
The Del Rey Digital Writing Workshop for Science Fiction and Fantasy
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com
| - - Copyright 2002 Online Writing Workshops, LLC - - - - - - - - -|
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