O | The Del Rey Digital Writing Workshop Newsletter, March 2002
W | http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!
| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
- Workshop Partner Information
- Workshop News:
Workshop partnership ends April 5--but don't panic!
Gallery competition results
The latest Member Challenge
Contest for flash fiction
New e-zine
Reminders for new members
- Editors' Choices for February submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Feedback:
Tips from members (and others)
| - - WORKSHOP PARTNER INFORMATION - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Online Writing Workshops's partnership with Del Rey Books continues
through April 5, 2002, making membership in the workshop free to all.
Visit the Del Rey Books Web site for sample chapters of upcoming
books, in-depth features, author interviews, special offers, and more:
http://www.randomhouse.com/delrey
Del Rey's featured titles for March/April:
STAR WARS: THE APPROACHING STORM by Alan Dean Foster
In the years since the events of "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace," the
Republic has continued to crumble, and more and more, the Jedi are
needed to help the galactic government maintain order. As Star Wars:
Episode II opens, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker have just
returned from a mission on a world called Ansion. Written by beloved
Star Wars veteran Alan Dean Foster, and starring a new character from
the upcoming movie, The Approaching Storm tells the story of that
daring mission.
Read an excerpt at:
http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=0345443004&view=excerpt
| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
WORKSHOP PARTNERSHIP ENDS APRIL 5--BUT DON'T PANIC!
Though Del Rey tried, they could not get approval from their parent
company, Ballantine, to partner with us for another year. Budget cuts
are the way of the world in publishing right now. We would love to
find another corporate partner and keep the workshop free for members,
but the current state of publishing makes that unfeasible.
So as of April 6, the workshop will again become the Online Writing
Workshop for SF and Fantasy and we will move to a membership-fee model
(just like our horror workshop). All current members will get their
"free trial" month of workshop membership though May 6. Though most
of you have had far more than a month to try us out, we've decided the
most fair thing to do is to start fresh on that date, as if you had
all just signed up. So don't forget to feel totally rejuvenated when
the 6th rolls around!
Membership fees will be as low as we can make them and still stay in
business: $40 for an annual membership and $25 for a six-month
membership. We will still provide the same quick and personable
customer service many of you have come to appreciate (thanks,
Charlie!) and will strive to offer lots of the extras that we've
developed along the way. Editors' Choices will still continue in some
way if at all possible. Focus groups will continue, as will our
presence at conventions and other things we do to support the
workshop's community of writers. However, the Gallery competition
will not be part of the workshop in the future, since it was Del Rey's
special initiative.
For information on membership fees and how to pay, see our membership
area: http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships.shtml
On April 6, the URL (Web address) of the workshop will change back to
sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com, but the current workshop URL,
delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com, will continue to bring you to
the workshop during a longish transition period. Links from other
sites will continue to work.
More news as we have it! We are confident that you, our members, who
have benefited directly from your time in the workshop, will be
willing to help us keep it going by becoming paying members. Our fees
are much, much lower than most online writing courses or
workshops, and we know from your feedback that what writers gain by
joining us is usually as much or more than they gain in other
workshops or courses.
If you have comments or questions, feel free to send them along to
support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com.
GALLERY COMPETITION WINNERS
The second Gallery e-book competition, covering novel submissions from
July 2001 to December 2001, ended March 11. The winners are:
Fantasy winner: THAGOTH by Michael McClung
Runner up: MY RIGHT ARM by Angela Boord
Mr. McClung will be offered an contract for Del Rey e-book
publication; Ms. Boord will receive an entire month's worth of Del Rey
books.
Science fiction winner: GARDEN by Jeff Stanley
Runner up: WAYFARING STRANGER by Kyri Freeman
Mr. Stanley will be offered an contract for Del Rey e-book
publication; Ms. Freeman will receive an entire month's worth of Del
Rey books.
Congratulations to our winners! And thanks to all of you who took the
time to read and vote on the various entries. When these books are
published in e-book format, you'll hear about it here!
More about the Gallery: http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/ebooks
THE LATEST MEMBER CHALLENGE
Some core members of the workshop have begun a monthly writing
challenge, open to all, in which writers submit stories or scenes on a
particular topic. Past topics have included pain, love, death, and
music. The first March challenge is to write a story from the
second-person point of view. The bonus challenge for March is to write
an opening to a story or novel, no more than 500 words, that makes the
reader want to turn the page and read more. The April challenge will
be...parasites. For the current challenges, rules, and how-to
information, see a page maintained by a member:
http://www.thermeon.net/checkered/Challenge.html Basically, just
submit a piece on the current month's theme, put "Challenge" in your
title so other challenge participants can find it, and give at least
brief reviews to as many other challenge entrants as you can. Search
for titles containing "Challenge" to see some of the challenge
entries. We at OWW think this is great, but we aren't in charge. For
more information and to participate in choosing the challenge topics,
join the Writing discussion list
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/oww-sff-writing).
CONTEST FOR FLASH FICTION
Here's a contest you might want to enter if you write flash (very
short!) fiction: _E2K: A Journal For The New Literary Paradigm_'s
Flash Fiction Contest begins March 15, 2002 and runs through May 15,
2002. Stories 1,000 words or less, with a $100 first prize, $50
second prize, and 3 next-place $25 prizes. Rules and details:
http://www.netauthor.org/e2k
NEW E-ZINE
_Deep Magic: The E-Zine of High Fantasy and Science Fiction_ is a new
magazine looking for short fiction and novels to serialize. It is a
non-paying market. More information: http://www.deepmagic.amberlin.com
REMINDERS FOR NEW MEMBERS
If you also write horror or dark fantasy, join our horror workshop;
it's at http://horror.onlinewritingworkshop.com. You'll need to
create a separate membership for that workshop; your member ID and
password from this workshop will not get you in there. (But you can
choose the same ID and password there as here, if you like.)
Using the "append text" form: you need to submit your first chunk of
text via the regular submission form before you follow the link to the
"append text" form and submit the rest.
Adding your picture to the member directory: your picture must be
stored on a different Web server. Make sure that server allows access
from other servers--some don't. Your picture URL must start with
"http://", the URL is case-sensitive (e.g., don't use uppercase if the
file is named in lowercase) and it must be no bigger than 200 x 200
pixels.
| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Editors' Choices are the submissions from the previous month that
show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of our
Editorial Board. Each gets a composite review by the Board, which is
published on the site and in the newsletter. We usually pick one
fantasy chapter or partial chapter, one SF chapter or partial chapter,
and one short story. (The volume of short stories is much less than
that of chapters, so we're not going to pick a fantasy story and an SF
story each month unless that imbalance changes. Mixed SF/F chapters
will be considered under whichever category seems to predominate in
the submission.) We also list two runners-up in each category, with
our comments.
To view Editors' Choices on the workshop, go to the submission list
and click on "Editors' Choices" in the Submission Selector. Six
months of ECs will be archived there, with their editorial reviews.
Our Editorial Board:
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/editorialboard.shtml
In order to make sure that some of our most professional
members don't take too much attention away from other deserving
writers, we've decided that novels will be ineligible for EC
consideration if they have been chosen as previous ECs in any
six-month period (January-June and July-December). Runner-ups will
not be subject to this rule. So if a chapter of your novel has been
an EC, we won't put future chapters of it into the nomination process
for a while--but if those chapters are of EC/runner-up quality, we
will be acknowledging them briefly just to be fair.
Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors and runners
up!
Editors' Choice, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: CROWN PRINCESS,
Chapter 1 by Shannon Hale
We liked this. It's a good introduction that made us want to learn
more about this world and the characters. The secrets of "magic" are
intriguing. Good start and a fine set up for what happens next. Good
use of simplicity of language to paint time and place, and great
characters and dialogue. Though the characters are a bit flat at this
point, we were still drawn to the girl and her aunt. This bodes well
for the rewrite stage! It is a bit difficult, however, to tell how
the style will translate to a complete novel.
The importance of first lines was really borne out with this month's
chapters: "She was born Anidori-Kiladra Talianna Isilee, Crown
Princess of Kildenree, and she did not open her eyes for three days."
The string of unfamiliar words that started off this opening sentence
is off-putting, but the concluding phrase is a grabber. Once all the
names were out of the way, the polished style and vivid images grabbed
our attention and held it till the last page.
Some lovely images: "They listened to her breathing and her
hummingbird heart, felt her fierce grip and her tiny fingers soft as
salamander skin."
The snippets of descriptions from the stories which Ani's aunt tells
her on the nursery floor are fascinating and evocative: "...a land
where mares pawed gold nuggets from the earth and chewed them in order
to breathe out music; a baker who baked birds from dough and sent them
out the window in search of a pot of apricot preserves; a mother who
loved her baby so fiercely she put him in a tight locket around her
neck so that he might never grow up."
Expertly observed: "The light that came from behind pushed her shadow
forward, a very thin giantess stretching across the lawn, her head
pointing to the pond."
The chapter is professionally written throughout and has a fable-like
quality to it. Though we wonder whether the author will be capable of
sustaining this feeling for a novel-length work, we'd definitely read
on to find out!
Editors' Choice, SF chapter/partial chapter: PUNISHMENT, Chapter 1:
Holiday by Jennifer Cornish
This is a well written chapter, with a good hook at the beginning. The
characters have strong personalities, and the opening scene pulls the
reader right in. However, we'd prefer to see a little more explanation
to help us understand who these people are and what they're doing.
This needs more context to ground it; it's too confusing otherwise.
It's okay to make your readers curious about what's going on, but you
have to start answering at least some of those questions pretty
quickly, or else the confusion becomes distancing: some of us couldn't
find a reason to care about the characters enough to want to read
more.
In the third paragraph we're told that "tears welled up [in] her eyes,
but she forced them down." Is it actually possible to suck tears back
into tear ducts?
"Her arms joined in a bizarre kinetic canon." Confusing. None of the
definitions for "canon" seem to remotely relate to this usage.
Occasionally unbelievable dialogue seems to come out of left field,
making it hard to get a feeling for the character of the protagonist:
"'Since I have all this time off now,' she said sarcastically, 'maybe
you can cook some "real food" for me and some of the other waifs, or
some hokey shit like that.'" (We have no clue before this that
Corbridge has that kind of relationship with the other operatives.)
Evocative, dynamic line: "The gel-straps began to react with their
surreal fluid strength."
You tend to use the past perfect in places where you need the past
pluperfect.
Corbridge doesn't appear nearly as uncaring as the protagonist is
trying to paint him.
During the phone conversation in the car, it's weird to hear her
conversation one-sided, when we're in her POV and we know _she_ can
hear what her mother is saying.
You've got interesting characters and an intriguing opening scene that
needs to be quickly followed by some explanations, so that you don't
lose your readers.
Editors' Choice, short story: RENFIELD AND THE ENGAGEMENT by
John McMullen
This was a slight, but very successful (near perfect!) pastiche.
("Hey--you got your Bram Stoker in my Wodehouse! No, you got your
Wodehouse in my Bram Stoker! Two great tastes that taste great
together.") Kim Newman ought to be ashamed of himself not to think of
it sooner. Renfield as Jeeves is sheer genius, and Bertie Wooster as
an effete and indolent and not-terribly-bright vampire carries this
fairly silly, although well-written story.
It's a great idea for writers to experiment by sticking odd things
together, by the way. Two very different ideas rubbing up against each
other produce interesting frictions and tensions.
The tone is pitch-perfect: phrases like "hobbing the nob" and the
painfully dumb "unpleasant foodstuff" punch line are vintage Wodehouse.
The vampiric rewrite adds extra oomph: Renfield's response, "To a
woman, sir?" when the narrator says that he is engaged, sets up the
next line, "To a living woman, sir?" The story also deftly brings up
interesting points of intersection between the stagnant and inbred
upper-class society in Wodehouse and the nature of vampires, where
change can only come as a bad thing. The detail about Adam (why not
call him Bertie, by the way) smoking in order to remind himself to
breathe, and the difficulty of bidding in card games when you don't
have air in your lungs, is great, and so is the brief consideration of
how vampires (existing in a much faster world) are "unable to watch
movies or television except as a series of still pictures, but one's
supposed friends can slither away without so much as an embarrassed
cough."
The pun on Summer Yves' name is a bit painful. Perhaps you could find
a pun that's a bit more alien? The description of the strips of gray
skin under her makeup are cheerfully gruesome, as is her literally
loose bosom. One editor points out that Summer is described as having
"the forthright implacable motion of an iceberg," which is a very nice
image, yet immediately thereafter we're told she "wobbled towards" the
narrator's end of the room. Would an implacable iceberg wobble as it
moved? Well, maybe in Wodehouse, but make sure that we know that
you're intentionally mixing up your metaphors and wobbling your
icebergs.
Adam doesn't need to ask if "To Serve a Man" is a cookbook, and in
fact by doing so manages to blunt the effect a few sentences later
when we see that that's exactly what it is. The repeat of the
"taffy-like silence" is nice: this writer knows how to build on his
jokes.
Not so sure that "Mickey F-something-or-other" is all that funny, and
the calipers also feel a bit forced. Heparin is a very confusing
reference: after looking it up online, we know it's a coagulant. But
it comes out of nowhere for most of us. We also weren't sure what the
token of Uncle's "reward" (esteem?) is supposed to be. And the very
last line really isn't worthy of the story. It isn't a bad last line,
it just isn't as good as a lot of the other lines... One suggestion
would be to cut the last two paragraphs, and end with a discussion
with Renfield about women and cards. We also wondered if you were
missing an opportunity with Renfield and the phrase "Don't stand there
with your mouth open, catching flies." (Something like that, anyway.)
It's hard to judge humor--it's all a matter of taste. But there are
millions of readers out there who still love Wodehouse, and there must
be a few editors as well. Try Gardner Dozois at _Asimov's_, or Gordon
van Gelder at _F&SF_, or _Scifiction_. It's an excellent souffle of a
story.
Runner Up, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: VELVET NIGHTMARES--MIMOSA
MEETS THE SOUCOUYANT, Part I by Veronica Stone
How Mimosa views the world is vivid and interesting, and the use of
descriptive words is very good. It's refreshing to see another
mythology represented than the usual Anglo-Celt or Japanese.
The opening line almost lost us. The overall image is an attractive
one, but it's wordy, and the wording doesn't stand up to scrutiny. In
what way does the dusk resemble a cat in its "purple and midnight blue
haze"? Cats are relatively small and quick and few of them are blue
and purple.
Once past that opener, however, things started to pick up. Mimosa
intrigued us as she "mimicked a human coming out in the morning to
stretch and take in a lungful of fresh air," then paused and bared her
teeth in a low, pleasant growl.
Very nice: "The wind subsided and left her feeling slightly unclothed,
like the departing folds of a delicate scarf." (That phrase does have
a reference problem, though. Does Mimosa feel unclothed like a scarf,
or does the wind feel like a scarf?)
When Mimosa and Ravi start conversing, the story... slows... down...
to a snail's pace. There are way too many pauses and hesitations!
Trust your audience. Most people can pick up on the natural rhythm of
individual speakers if the dialogue is competently written; they don't
need trails of dots every few words to get the idea that the
characters pause to breathe or to consider. One example of an
utterance that desperately needs to have its spaces filled in: "'It's
different here. It's more .... open. There's something else in it.
There's a... vitality." And so on.
Much of the description accompanying the characters' interactions is
overwritten. We don't need to know every small movement they make, nor
to be told what each person is thinking or feeling all the time. Good
dialogue should carry enough hints to allow us to figure out what
hasn't been openly explained. An example: "All of Ravi's attention
and focus came back to one razor sharp point. Outwardly, he betrayed
little beyond an involuntary flash in his eyes and a stiffening of his
face and neck. ... He turned his head to meet her eyes, one eyebrow
raised, and took her in with questioning appraisal." This much detail
is exhausting!
Sometimes you throw too many adjectives thrown at one noun: "It was a
fleshy, throbbing, slick, view that struck her as blasphemous, even
obscene."
There were some problems with tenses, and it was sometimes difficult
to know who was speaking.
This piece had an intriguing opening that got bogged down in awkward
dialogue and overwritten descriptions. They should be pared
drastically. There are lots of evocative and even beautiful words and
phrases, but they need to be used more judiciously or you risk
drowning your reader in a flood of adjectives.
Runner Up, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: THE HUNGRY WARS (really
revised prologue) by Lea Lewis
The excerpt kept us reading. The scenes featuring the maggot things
are genuinely horrific and the sense of mystery and growing terror is
nicely developed.
"Treehold Keep lay at the corner of three kingdoms, so when the lady
of the keep called on the King of Narce, the King listened." Good
opening hook, again establishing a sense of fable. We were drawn into
the story and curious to meet the aforementioned lady. The writing is
pretty good, though we did find it difficult to follow who was who and
to discern rank and role. The maggots were really gross. Based on
them, the readers will likely expect this book to be horrific, so the
author should make sure that's what she intends.
The author needs to take a serious look at passive vs. active use of
verbs and word repetition.
When Tomal and Miz first encounter the maggot peeking out from Cache's
neck, Tomal makes light of it (even though he doesn't know what it
is), offers Miz a drink, and the two men leave the room joking about
horses. This rang false. How big is the maggot? It doesn't seem like
something they'd be able to shrug off so easily. Later, a maggot
wails as it's being burned. How big are these creatures? It appeared
from a small wound in the hand of a very small woman.
Nice: "'Miz, neither you nor I have duties suited to our nature.
Let's go hunt together, and shed some blood.'"
Miz's apparent death at the very end of the chapter comes as a
surprise--and not a welcome one. You've introduced to a perfectly
serviceable protagonist/hero, only to have him killed off at the end
of the opening chapter. What's the point of this and who will take his
place--Seed? We felt somewhat lost as the chapter ended; we'd just
gotten used to viewing this world through Miz's point of view and
then--pow!--he was gone.
This excerpt points to an interesting story for the rest of the novel,
but is long and confusing for a prologue. How does it serve the rest
of the novel?
Runner Up, science fiction chapter/partial chapter: SANCTUARY, Part I
by Elizabeth Donald
The strongest part of this excerpt felt like the developing
relationships among the characters as they become accustomed to their
new environment. The characters are solid, and time and space are well
defined. Good opening line, though it's impossible to know from the
sentence whose wife had died, John's, or his best friend's.
This version, which gets directly into the story, does work better
than a previous version we read earlier. However, even these long
flashbacks may not be necessary--they could be summed up in a few
lines of explanation of backstory and left at that. We don't have to
actually experience the past--we just need to know enough about what
happened before to understand how those events influence the current
action.
Please choose one way for the narrator to refer to the various
characters and stick with it. Sometimes John Crawford is "John" and
sometimes he's "Crawford." This is hard to follow, especially at the
beginning of the novel when we're just getting to know everyone. The
characters can refer to one another with a variety of names and
nicknames, but the narrator of the story needs to be consistent.
We don't all agree on this point, but one drawback is that the
Borg-like notion that aliens come to Earth to harvest humans has been
overused in the genre. Nowdays, writers who use that story have to
work extra hard to make it convincing. Why would an alien race with
such advanced technology need or want organic slaves, when presumably
they can make machines to do more work for them, more efficiently, and
with less trouble? Particularly when one considers that the humans
will probably have to be provided with expensive environments and
tools suitable to their biologies. Does your world need this alien
threat to work? What else might have happened to create this state of
affairs? The people in the story seem to be plenty threatened by their
fellows, either on the surface, or within Sanctuary.
You say that the adults are trying to convince the children that there
are no such things as monsters, but there _are_ monsters in this
story: the slaver aliens.
The point of view is shaky. It's okay to shift POV between sections,
but often it felt as though you started in a vaguely omniscient POV,
then flipped into one or two characters' heads.
It's "guerilla" warfare, not "gorilla."
Some of the characterization feels cliched. (Heather as just a
"housewife" who acquiesces to male authority; the unquestioned
paramilitary structure of Sanctuary society; the childish sniping
between Paul and John)
One serious problem; John comes across as extremely brutal and
unlikable, especially in his interaction with the reporter, Burnwood,
whose fingers he breaks and who he then stalks. When he sends "a
single white rose to Maria's apartment," the reader is filled not with
admiration for his romantic nature, but with fear and concern for
Maria. These are the controlling actions of a stalker. Does Maria
never question how he came to start asking her out? Does she know that
John was responsible for intimidating and maiming Burnwood? What on
Earth makes her fall in love with him? This man is the protagonist and
ostensible hero of this part of the novel. Without evidence of a
dramatic change in character we're left with a very unlikable hero,
indeed.
Aurora and the other children are believable, interesting characters.
Aurora's refusal to communicate is effective, but sometimes seems
overdone. It would be more believable if she were portrayed as having
an attitude, rather than as being functionally mute most of the time.
Watch for repetitions of words and phrases.
Generally, the story is more interesting in this format, and some
passages are suspenseful and vivid, especially the flashback in which
Maria is killed by the Gahid and John and Aurora make their way to
Sanctuary.
Runner Up, science fiction chapter/partial chapter: SONGS OF THE
KOSINA by Kim Ward
The tone of this chapter is intriguing, but some of us found it hard
to follow. What's the "flux" and what does it have to do with
"machinery" like the array? Grammar and punctuation need work, too.
The first paragraph is fine. It draws us into a situation where it
seems likely Something Is Going to Happen. There is some awkward
writing, however: "The desert sun of Novix beat on her wide brimmed
hat as if an opponent blustering to get in and her usually pure white
skin had a slight pink tinge to it today, despite her efforts to keep
covered when outside." This needs reworking in the interests of both
clarity and grammar. Try to state as clearly as possible the idea
you're trying to communicate to your reader. What kind of opponent
would Leel have? And why would anyone or anything be trying to "get
in" to her hat? Or is it trying to get into her head? Why? As it's
written, this is enough to cause the reader to stumble and you don't
want that--especially not in your first paragraph.
The "alien" flavor to the world is working well. However, the
quotation at the beginning is a bit long, which blunts its
effectiveness. Are all the parts of the definition important for our
reading of the story? And the scientific elements feel like
hand-waving, combined with elements of magic. What is Leel trying to
do?
More awkward constructions: "She flexed her extraordinarily long
fingers..." Be careful with words like "extraordinarily." Are Leel's
fingers just long or are they so long that other humans stare in
amazement when she walks by? Is she a mutant of some sort? If not,
then just "long" would suffice to describe them.
"The flux surged, responding to her close proximity, like electricity
if it could be made liquid, or the tug of consciousness as it came
into being, making her blood feel like thick syrup through the veins,
tangible, pumping with a ferocity reserved for flight from danger, it
made every bit of her body alive." An evocative set of images, but
again some problems with clarity.
There are comma problems throughout. Have a look at the grammatical
rules for comma usage.
What this story has going for it is its alien feel and the
inventiveness of its odd setting. It's hard to tell from this small
piece where the rest of the novel is going.
Runner Up, short story: PRETTY AMY by Shannon Hale
This was a strong story, with some startling and wonderful imagery.
The supernatural details in the story are convincing and engaging, but
the narrator, Amy, never quite comes clear--more about that, but first
the good stuff: the scenes with the guardian, with his metal teeth,
and Bombero, who wants to be loved (just like Amy), and the Medica are
all wonderful and strange and scary. The writing in these sections is
effective and punchy.
The scene with Blanca and Inocencio is a good way to begin the story,
although it isn't quite clear when Inocencio picks up his guitar (we
only see him put it down.) It might be good to linger a bit longer on
that scene; let Blanca and Amy talk about work, how they met, things
like that. And bring them back in the story again--it makes a reader
happy to meet characters more than once. It makes the world feel real.
It would also be great to know if Amy has other friends, Peace Corps
Volunteers, other teachers, if she gets phone calls from her parents,
etc.
We don't really know why Amy's come to Paraguay, or what about her
draws the guardian. Middle-class American white-girl guilt is made to
serve both purposes in the story, but that verges on cliche. We're
also told that she's always been awkward with people, but wants to be
loved by the Paraguayans--why does she think the poor Paraguayans will
find it easier to love her than other people have? This is
uncomfortable territory; love is cheaper in Third World countries?
Maybe if we had more of her history, her family background, we would
have more empathy for her. It would also be a good idea if we saw her
actually doing work. As it is, she doesn't seem to do anything, except
wish for acceptance, friendship, love (and forgiveness for her
privileged background)--and flee the guardian. The best kind of
fantastic stories don't stint on showing how magic, ghosts, and rocket
ships exist in day-to-day life. You still have to go to work, buy
groceries, and talk on the phone every week or so with your parents.
Ghosts and guardians just make life that much more cumbersome.
Watch tone. Amy wants to love Paraguay "fiercely and
irrationally"--that should probably go in the journal sections.
Adjectives like "simple" and "decadent," unless they're clearly in
Amy's voice, are loaded with probably-unintentional Western attitudes
about foreign countries. Use them, but think about what they mean. The
same holds true in the description of the Medica: "she had large eyes
and dark lashes like a bright looking animal." This image is unclear,
and also the same kind of coded language. In the same paragraph,
"dotted delicately with tiny white lice eggs" is striking and
immediate, but "delicately" may not be the right adjective--it's a
distracting adjective to use, and the reader then concentrates on the
language, rather than the woman being described. The same is true,
sometimes, in the description of Bombero.
One simple fix: make it clear that the sections about Paraguay are
from Amy's journal. It gives us more of a sense of her, and you can
fiddle with them. Tell us things about her day-to-day life. The goal
isn't to make Amy noble, or misguided but good-hearted, or
representative of anything at all, but to make her clear to us as an
individual with quirks and history and hopes.
In the description of Amy, we are told that "She had never been
thought beautiful, but perhaps, she hoped, her light markings led them
to see her as some tragic kind of pretty." The editors weren't sure
what was intended here. Amy is white, but the phrase "light markings"
is something usually applied only to animals. What kind of markings
are we talking about? And why tragic?
The strength of the story really is in the scenes with the
supernatural manifestations of Paraguay. The other story strand, Amy
herself, as we've said, needs work. Try cutting back some of the more
dramatic writing (unless you stick it in the journal entries). The
less distracting the language is (although there's always room for
occasional flourishes), the more space there is for the reader to
notice the story.
We aren't quite sure what the ending means--even the ugly parts of
Paraguay are now beautiful to Amy? But she already found Bombero and
the lice-ridden hair of the Medica beautiful. There needs to be a
greater shift in her perspective. Perhaps if you bring Amy's life into
better focus earlier in the story, the ending will have more
resonance.
Runner Up, short story: LESSER TAKEN, LESSER KNOWN by Jeremy Tolbert
We found this story interesting, although somewhat flatly written.
Writing "as little exposition as is necessary for the story" (the
author's stated good) is a good idea, but while the tale opens up in
an intriguing manner as bits and pieces are parceled out to us
(similar to the way that the amblers pass memories back and forth), in
the end, rather than magical and strange, the Path just seems vague
and the characters one-dimensional. It's a difficult balance to pull
off: after all, the Path seems to be at least partly about
renunciation, and most of the characters have given away or lost large
chunks of their lives to each other. But something about the tone of
the writing isn't strange enough. Mengel (possibly a bad name
choice--one editor was constantly reminded of Mengele) isn't
interesting or threatening or odd enough. He seems more like a man of
business than an ambler of the way. He also, oddly enough, seems a bit
too much there: he's given most of himself away, and yet we don't
really feel his lack.
The opening is the strongest and oddest set piece: the inhabitants of
the bar are eye-catching, and even the air here seems thick with myths
that we almost recognize. Later on, Madrona and the ambler in the
library don't feel quite so new--they don't startle. Pare down the
description of Tuvali; "A creature floated down out of the darkness.
It resembled the spilled contents of a down pillow; a mass of white
soft feathers drifting in a loose ball several feet above the floor"
is a slightly tighter possible version. Madrona is more difficult:
she's an important character, and we need to know her better. At the
moment she seems more (clockwork) plot device than actual person. On
the other hand, the scene where Mengel modifies the dog into an
acolyte is very good, and Finder himself becomes an amusing and
endearing character.
It isn't clear how Mengel and Finder get to the asylum from the
library. It's a wonderful flourish when we discover that Mengel was
once in this same asylum, but it might be nice to get some more
straightforward information about the complex rather than atmospheric
hand-waving. Build the itching in Mengel's head and his collapse
slightly more slowly, and space it out with concrete description of
what he's seeing. After his blackout, instead of "Mengel first became
aware of Finder's warm tongue licking his face", simplify and cut--you
can just tell us "Finder's warm tongue was licking his face. He
couldn't move. Someone had known Mengel was coming. Someone had taken
considerable effort to bind him." Pare down the sentences.
From this point on, the story feels somewhat rushed. At the end,
Finder's resolution to go find Mengel is great, but the confrontation
between Mengel and Vosko and Madrona doesn't quite satisfy. Maybe if
we had a better sense of Mengel--you could build on his growing sense
of regret for the things that he's had to give away--we would have a
better sense of what he's rushing towards at the end.
In general, the writing could be tighter. For example, "Finder backed
away and let loose a low growl" is nicely alliterated, but "Finder
backed away, growling." is tighter. Sometimes we're given more than we
really need. When Mengel tells Finder "the parts of the Path I explore
are too dangerous for you," that's probably enough. He doesn't need to
add "Your mind would snap at the sight of some of the things I have
seen."
Speech tags like "asked with a quizzical look" are to be avoided. And
the doorman's accent is hokey. Maybe try using slightly strange word
choice to make his character's language stand out? One useful tool for
writers now available, free online: try running lines of dialogue or
even sentences from your fiction through a site (e.g.,
www.tashian.com/multibabel) that translates from English into several
different languages and then back again. Fooling around with this will
probably produce very otherworldly prose.
Tone down sentences like the one in the very first paragraph: "Jazz
piano, notes tinkling and spiraling into chaos but back into order,
overwrote the greater cacophony, there, in front of the darkened door,
in the alley, outside the realm of tourists and normality." It's
descriptive, yes, but distracting. Let the story catch our attention,
not obtrusive prose.
Some of the editors were reminded of Zelazny's Avalon novels - that's
a good model for this story. But keep in mind that part of the reason
the Avalon novels worked so well was because of the deadpan,
hard-boiled tone of the narration. Find a voice for this story that
works as well, and we'll be carried along.
| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop recognizes members who
have given useful, insightful reviews. After all, that's what makes
the workshop go, so we want to give great reviewers a little
well-earned recognition! Here we list names and submissions reviewed;
on the workshop site we include comments from the submission's author.
(Most months we also award a prize to one or more special reviewers.)
If you got a really useful review and would like to add the reviewer
to the Reviewer Honor Roll, just use our online honor-roll nomination
form at http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml.
This month's Reviewer MVP is JW wrenn, both for number of reviews
lately and number of Honor Roll Nominations. We will be sending JW a
copy of novel MIDNIGHT ROBBER by Nalo Hopkinson, winner of the
Campbell Award for best new writer and also one of the workshop's two
Editorial Administrators. Congratulations and thanks, JW!
This month's honor roll:
Steven Boomer, reviewing THE MOON SWORD, Ch. 1 by Winter Teears
Tom Brown, reviewing "Out of Self" by Darryl Everett
Joe Cool, reviewing "Blood Is Thicker Than Caravan Pay" by Mark Fewell
Charles Cooper, reviewing "Tarik" by Paul Smith
Ricky Cruz, reviewing CRIMSON KNIGHTS, Ch.s 1-15 by James Watts
Stella Evans, reviewing "Distant" by Paul Ray
Charlie Finlay, reviewing "The Red Cross Knight" by Sarah Prineas
Laura Fischer, reviewing "The Third Day" by Chelsea Polk
Daniel Goss, reviewing "The Red Cross Knight" by Sarah Prineas
Kris Keegan, reviewing challenge piece "In Extremis" by Lewis Hulatt
Lee Konstantinou, reviewing GRAVITY'S FORCE, Ch. 1 by Ebony McKenna
Jason MacDonald, reviewing MY DEMON DAUGHTER, Ch. 2 by Peter Badzey
Mike McCloskey, reviewing THE UNHOLY WORLD OF LUCIFER POPE by
Derrick Barnsdale
Lawrence Payne, reviewing Untitled by Darrell Wade
Lawrence Payne, reviewing THE BATTLE OF THE CROWN, Ch. 4 by Mads
Birkvig
Sarah Prineas, reviewing Comes the Conqueror, Chapter One by
Mike McClung
Robert Radcliffe, reviewing Chapter One (No Title) by Daniel Ray
Jeff Stanley, reviewing LEOPARDS IN LOVE by A. Bruno
Jeff Stanley, reviewing "The Alien Noir" by Sam Kenyon
Larry West, reviewing CHANGING SEASONS, Ch. 6 by Rhonda Holden
Larry West, reviewing "Black Vengeance" by Charles Jester
Larry West, reviewing "Well Met by Moonlight" and "Brownies" by
Dena Landon
Heather Williams, Clover Autrey, Patrick May, Thomas Regall, and
Amonire Rewane, reviewing DEMON'S DESTINY, Part One by Shayne Easson
Malcolm Wood, reviewing SHADOWLOOM, Ch. 7 by Mark Reeder
JWwrenn, reviewing "Run" by V.L. Romero
More details and specific praise can be found at:
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml
| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Nigel Atkinson sold story "Red Giant's Race" to UK-based Web 'zine
_The Night Land_
(http://home.clara.net/andywrobertson/nightredgiant.html). He says,
"Several workshop members contributed to the development of the story;
comma-mavens Bob Allen and Donna Johnson were especially helpful."
Chris Clarke sold story "Notes for the Gallery" to _Vestal Review_'s
April issue (http://www.vestalreview.net). He thanks a few
workshoppers for off-workshop critiques and says, "It was also
inspired by the challenge here on non-traditional story structures."
The cover story of the April issue of _The Magazine of Fantasy and
Science Fiction_ is Charles Coleman Finlay's story "The Political
Officer"! In stores now or see http://www.sfsite.com/fsf Wow!
Karen Gordon sold story "Freak Show" to _Sinisteria_
(http://sinisteria.topcities.com/fiction4.html) for their premiere
issue.
Jason Heslip sold a flash fiction story called "Targets at 3 O'Clock"
to _Quantum Muse_ (http://www.quantummuse.com/targets.html). He says,
"Thanks to your workshop I can now say I'm a published author."
Melissa Mead sold a 4-part serial called "Swimming Upstream" to _The
First Line_ (http://www.thefirstline.com).
Chelsea Polk sold story "The Third Day" to _Winter Raven_ magazine
(http://www.winterraven.com).
Jean Stone (aka Jean Seok) sold short story "A Constellation of
Windows" to _Strange Horizons_ (http://www.strangehorizons.com). The
story was workshopped under the title "Twenty One Closer."Jean says,
"I know I would not have sold this story without the help of some very
talented workshop members."
Kathleen Ward sold a short story to _EOTU Magazine_
(http://www.clamcity.com/eotu.html) for the April issue; it's an
excerpt from her workshopped novel DEATH'S GARDEN called "Penumbra."
Also, _The Pedestal Magazine_ is currently featuring her artwork:
http://www.thepedestalmagazine.com/Artist.asp?featuredartistid=8
| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Number of members as of 2/20: 8142
Number of submissions currently online: 1844
Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 65.5%
Percent of submissions with zero reviews: .8%
Number of submissions in February: 1022
Number of reviews in February: 4384
Ratio of reviews/submissions in February: 4.29
Estimated average word count per review in February: 413
Number of submissions in March to date: 765
Number of reviews in March to date: 3305
Ratio of reviews/submissions in March to date: 4.32
Estimated average word count per review in March to date: 402
| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
TIPS APPRECIATED
Got a helpful tip for your fellow members? A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission? Or a writing tip? Share it with us and if we agree it's
useful we'll publish it in the next newsletter. Just send it to
support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com and we'll do the rest.
See you next month!
The Del Rey Digital Writing Workshop for Science Fiction and Fantasy
http://delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@delrey.onlinewritingworkshop.com
| - - Copyright 2002 Online Writing Workshops, LLC - - - - - - - - -|
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