O | The Online Writing Workshop for SF & F Newsletter, June 2002
W | http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!
| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
- Workshop News:
The latest member challenge
"Tales of the Serendip" story collection published
Information source of interest to writers
Membership payment information
- Editors' Choices for May submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Feedback:
Tips from members (and others)
| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
THE LATEST MEMBER CHALLENGE
Some core members of the workshop have begun a monthly writing
challenge, open to all, in which writers submit stories or scenes on a
particular topic. Past topics have included pain, love, death, and
music. The June challenge is "Rats in Bad Places." For the current
rules and how-to information, see a page maintained by a member:
http://www.thermeon.net/checkered/Challenge.html Basically, just
submit a piece on the current month's theme, put "Challenge" in your
title so other challenge participants can find it, and give at least
brief reviews to as many other challenge entrants as you can. Search
for titles containing "Challenge" to see some of the challenge
entries. We at OWW think this is great, but we aren't in charge. For
more information and to participate in choosing the challenge topics,
join the Writing discussion list
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/oww-sff-writing).
"TALES OF THE SERENDIP" STORY COLLECTION PUBLISHED
TALES OF THE SERENDIP (ISBN 0-595-22747-3), is the first short story
anthology written and edited by members of the Online Writing
Workshop. The Serendip Pub is a virtual, imaginary bar created and
maintained by members of the On Line Writing Workshop. It exists only
in the imaginations of the workshop members and is a place where,
given a few rules and a common backdrop, writers can create small
vignettes to explore new story lines, break writer's block, or
experiment with new characters. Although hundreds of "Tales" have
been written about the Serendip Pub since it opened its electronic
doors, TALES is a collection of stories from the first writing contest
centered around the virtual pub. It includes Bill O'Dey's winning
story, "Write to Life," and twenty-eight stories by twenty-three
authors. The contest was judged by the OWW's own Charles Coleman
Finlay and Karin Lowachee and was edited by Mike Blumer and John
Borneman.
TALES is available via the Barnes and Noble Web site, iUniverse,
Amazon.com and the Borders Web site. For details, visit the Serendip
site at http://www.digitalphotosystem.com/Tales/BannerPage.htm
INFORMATION SOURCE OF INTEREST TO WRITERS
Google Answers is an "answer broker" connecting people with questions
to online researchers who can answer the questions. (Factual
questions--the kind writers need to know sometimes and ask the
workshop mailing list, such as: when indicating the numbers 1-10,
which fingers in which combination would a Chinese person use?)
Questioners set the amount they are willing to pay for a satisfactory
answer. Researchers select questions based on ability to answer and
whether the price is acceptable to them.
https://answers.google.com/answers/main
MEMBERSHIP PAYMENT INFORMATION
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Scholarship fund and gift memberships: you can give a gift membership
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fully or partially cover the costs of an initial paying membership for
certain active, review-contributing members whose situations do not
allow them to pay the full membership fee themselves.
Bonus payments: The workshop costs only 77 cents per week, but we know
that many members feel that it's worth much more to them. So here's
your chance to award us with a bonus on top of your membership fee.
For example, is the workshop worth a dollar a week to you? Award us a
$12 bonus along with your membership fee. 25% of any bonus payments we
receive will go to our support staff, sort of like a tip for good
personal service. The rest will be tucked away to lengthen the
shoestring that is our budget and keep us running!
For more information:
Payments: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships.shtml
Bonus payments: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/bonuspayments.shtml
About our company: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/bonuspayments.shtml
Price comparisons:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships_comparison.shtml
| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Editors' Choices are chosen from the submissions from the previous
month that show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of
our Editorial Board. One from each category (SF chapter, F chapter,
short story) is given a detailed review, meant to be educational for
others as well as the author. Reviews are written by our Resident
Editors, award-winning authors and instructors Kelly Link and Nalo
Hopkinson, or occasionally other writing pros. The reviews are
published on the site and in the newsletter. Close contenders for EC
will be listed here as runner-ups but won't get a review.
To view Editors' Choices on the workshop, go to the submission list
and click on "Editors' Choices" in the Submission Selector. Six
months of ECs will be archived there, with their editorial reviews.
Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors!
Runners up, fantasy chapter: A LITTLE CORNER OF THE WORLD--VITREA, by
Brad Powers and SILURA, Chapter 3, by Penelope Hardy
Editors' Choice, fantasy chapter/partial chapter: HOMECOMING, Part
One, by Kyri Freeman
This is a well-written, well-crafted chapter. It's strong on almost
all levels: language, plot, dialogue and characterisation. Nice
opening two lines. I liked the contradiction between Tribulation's
expectations of his homecoming and its reality. The trek through the
snow is keenly imagined, with fine sensory detail ("his clothes were
soaked and his feet numb") and beautiful language ("stinging flights
of hornet weather pelted him," and "his little mealy-nosed mule
plodded head down, miserable"). There's a good balance here between
lovely images and clear, plain language which suits the uncompromising
discomfort of the scene quite well.
The line "Tribulation did not ride the mule" jerked me right out of
the story, because you'd already introduced the mule, and I'd assumed
he was riding it. I had to stop and re-draw my mental picture. I
suggest that when you first introduce the mule, you let us know that
it's not being ridden; something like, "beside Tribulation, his little
mealy-nosed mule plodded, head down, miserable."
Nice detail in the following sentence: "He'd removed the rifle's
trigger guard so that his swollen knuckle wouldn't stick." We can
begin to imagine how Tribulation's arthritis affects his body.
Flourishes like that help to make him unique and real in our minds.
Brava.
The dialogue in this next sequence should have begun in a new
paragraph: "Then the mule pricked up its ears, looked up the road, and
brayed. 'What'd you hear there, Breckenridge?' Tribulation asked the
beast." When I read that, my first take on it was that the mule was
braying in human speech. Then I read, "Tribulation asked the beast,"
and had to re-draw the picture in my mind. Try to make your
description of events flow so smoothly that the readers don't have to
stop and correct their misapprehensions.
When Tribulation encounters Libby, it seems a little too coincidental.
I could be convinced to believe that such a coincidence would happen,
but I haven't been yet. At this point, it seems more a convenient
plot point for the story than something believable.
I wondered at Tribulation saying, "Oh, it ain't nothing but a tisick"
when he's talking about his arthritis. "Tisick" probably comes from
"phthysic," which means a cold or the flu. Does the way that you've
used it have a particular colloquial meaning that would encompass
arthritis?
The dialogue between Tribulation and Libby is well handled, and the
dialect seems to be correct. The tensions between them are also well
played out. The action in the scene where Libby's husband attacks is
a page-turner, well choreographed.
My only real sticking point in this chapter is this: although Libby's
house is under siege by her inhuman husband, it's possible for people
to enter and leave the house whenever it's convenient for the plot.
It's the second instance in the chapter where difficulties
conveniently disappear so that the plot can move forward (the first is
when Tribulation just stumbles upon Libby's house). What governs
Carter's comings and goings?
You say that this is "very rewritten." The work that you've put into
rewrites shows! You also say that you're aiming for a stand-alone
short story, and I think that's possible, but I'm glad that this seems
to be part of a novel-length work as well, because this chapter
already seems to be aiming towards a novel. Excellent work.
--Nalo Hopkinson
Runners up, SF chapter/partial chapter: THE HORSES OF ACHILLES, Ch.
8, by Marguerite Reed and CRYSTAL PALACE, Ch.s 1-3 by Bob Allen
Editors' Choice, SF chapter/partial chapter: THE HAUNTED WORLD,
Chapter 13, by Lisa Clardy
This chapter seems to be bubbling along nicely. It's laying ground
well for the next big plot points, and it's complicating relationships
amongst the characters in ways that feel believable and satisfying.
Even with the rescue scene, it feels like a bit of a breather before
things get really difficult again. If I'm correct, that shows a fine
sense of pacing on your part, Lisa.
There are two places where you have your point-of-view character
recognize someone and react to who it is, but you don't tell us
immediately who it is. It's a technique one sees a lot in film, which
tends to have a much less narrow point of view than text. It does
make for a nice bit of drawn-out tension, but in a written text with
one point-of-view character, it's really a point of view slip; if your
POV character recognises someone, then your readers should be told who
that person is.
In the Author's comments and queries, you say: "NOTE--The apostrophes
in certain words represent a soft glottal sound in the language of the
N'mida, a sect of the Miridan population." All right, but as I
understand it, if the apostrophe in "N'mida" is meant to represent a
glottal stop, it's inaccurate; a glottal stop can be created after the
vowels in that word, but not after the consonants. However, if the
apostrophe in "N'mida" is meant to denote a missing letter or
letters--the way that "don't" is a contraction of "do not, and the
apostrophe denotes the missing "o"--then that would be correct. I
believe that the name "Sa'hym" shows a correct usage of a glottal
stop.
"Frenzied coupling" is a bit of a cliche. But you conveyed well the
urgency and desperation behind the sex that the trapped people had
chosen to have with each other.
This is a solid chapter that does its job of setting up the action in
subsequent chapters.
(For more on glottal stops see
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/editorialfocus/index.shtml)
--Nalo Hopkinson
Runner up, short story: "A Shipment of Whales" by Jean Seok
Editor's Choice, short story: "Mr. Mac" by John Walsh
I have to confess that I don't understand this story, nor do I think
it really succeeds at what it's trying to do. I picked it because it's
interesting and unusual and is distinguished by some very sharp
writing and imagery...and because I'm willing to bet that there's a
successful story in here somewhere for the author to find.
Even though this story was submitted as a work of magical realism, I'm
not going to critique it that way. While comparable to other stories
in a variety of genres (such as "The Specialist's Hat," a haunting
story by Kelly Link that apparently inspired the author), "Mr Mac" is
or should be the kind of rare and audacious story that creates its own
genre, not just relating a tale to readers but teaching them a whole
new way of reading. Many of Kelly Link's stories have this strangely
self-contained yet powerfully expansive quality, as do the stories of
such writers as Ted Chiang and Howard Waldrop.
This story tells of the first-person narrator's lifelong curiosity
about, and ultimate encounter with, a mysterious, vaguely sinister man
from his Boston-area hometown known as Mr. Mac. Mr. Mac is a
scarecrow-like figure who regularly stands upon the roof of his
dilapidated house and dances like an escapee from a Tim Burton movie.
And then vanishes into thin air. Where he goes will become the
maguffin of the story, the mystery which drives the thoughts and
actions of the young man who is our narrator. I'll have more to say
about the maguffin later.
For now, let's look at the narrator and the narrative structure the
author has chosen to employ. First, four general comments. I think
it might be a good idea to give the narrator a name; it would be easy,
in one of the scenes with Mr. Mac or the priest, to insert this
information. And because the story is related by means of the
narrator's journal entries over a period of some years, I think it
would help to clearly date each entry. Such mundane information helps
readers settle into a story and can provide a subtle but surprisingly
strong framework on which to hang a lot of weirdness, as writers like
Poe and Lovecraft knew very well. I would also suggest making it
clear earlier that the entire story is being told through journal
entries--and providing dates will take care of this. Finally, because
earlier entries are embedded within the present entries, I think the
author needs to distinguish them through a different typeface or
indentation style.
The journal entries range in time from when the narrator is "a little
kid" to when he is in his twenties (although it's not essential, I
don't think it would hurt to provide some more precise indications of
the narrator's age at various points; again, using the specific to
ground the story and its readers). This conceit forces Mr. Walsh to
use a variety of writing styles reflecting the age and experience of
the narrator at the time. The kid's entries capture a way of speaking
more than a way of writing. In an embedded journal entry from the
earliest years is this description of Mr. Mac: "He walks out the
white door onto the flat part of the roof, next to that cone thing
that's like in a fairy tale castle?" This works as dialogue spoken by
the youthful narrator, but I didn't believe that it would be written
by the narrator this way. A quick word about racial issues. Is the
narrator black or white? There is enough evidence, I think, to
conclude that he is a white person who feels resentment toward, and
estrangement from, other whites, which means he identifies (on a
superficial level) with blacks. This interesting aspect of the story
(especially considering racial tensions in the Boston area) is
introduced but not developed; as it is, it's one more unresolved issue
contributing to the haze that hangs over the story at its close. If
Mr. Walsh intends this to be an integral part of the story, he needs
to think it through more fully and weave it into the narrative more
strongly.
Now onto meatier issues. What this story is really about, or wants to
be about, is a young man's relationship with his father and various
betrayals of neglect or indifference, perhaps sexual in nature, that
marked his boyhood and have made it extraordinarily difficult for him,
as an adult, to claim his own manhood. There are many clues to this
throughout the story: The "Child Finder" sticker appearing in
paragraph 3 is only the first. The narrator's relationship with Mr.
Mac has a strong sexual undertone. The high-school-age narrator
writes: "Maybe he likes boys, the wacko." And later, after the
funeral of the narrator's father, Father Kendall remarks that Mr. Mac
"behaves like a child molester...I know the signs, believe me."
The current scandals in the Catholic Church invest the character of
Father Kendall and his statements with a significance they might not
otherwise possess. It's a good example of how reality can intrude
into even the most fantastic fiction. Presumably, the author is aware
of this inevitable intrusion and is taking advantage of it.
Mr. Walsh takes pains to draw parallels between the narrator's father
(who never appears alive in the story, and is present mainly as a
gaping absence in the narrator's life), Mr. Mac, and Father Kendall.
Symbolically, they are the same person. But I think that one of the
reasons the story doesn't quite succeed is because the symbolic
equivalence isn't established with sufficient depth or specificity.
Mr. Walsh needs to think a lot more about this isosceles triangle.
The key to the story lies here; more preparation and groundwork is
required if the the ending (in which the symbolic equivalence is made
explicit) is to pack its intended punch. One obvious place to lay that
groundwork is in the post-funeral scene between Father Kendall (who
should be named) and the narrator. At present, their dialogue doesn't
get the job done, although some of it is sharp:
Narrator: "So that means I have a choice, God or...just what I
can see? No wonder I left the church."
Kendall: "You left the church because you were bored at mass."
I wish I had more room to point out some of the best lines, which are
often bitingly funny in a self-lacerating kind of way. For example,
the narrator says of his mother,"She was one of those people who
always smiled, so smiles didn't mean much to her." On Father Kendall's
sermon at his father's funeral, he says, "Father Whatsisname was
droning on about . . . death and life and all the things people like
that know nothing about. Like I need to hear that while watching
leaves blowing over the casket of my only family."
On to the maguffin. Mr. Mac coaxes the narrator into paying him a
visit by promising to show him where he vanishes to: "The place behind
and under and around what you call here." The narrator finds that
there are multiple versions of Mr. Mac, each of a different age,
though presumably only one original. The narrator finally dances his
way into Mr. Mac's secret place, which seems like a charnel-house
vision of hell. He then dances back into the closet of his own
bedroom, from which he emerges to see his teenage self experiencing a
moment of private anguish. From there, he dances into what seems like
the stateroom on the Titanic, where, in a particularly dreamlike
sequence, he dances with a woman who appears to have been his soulmate
in an earlier life or alternate existence. All this should be less
obscure to the reader, because somehow this experience is meant to be
the hinge on which the story pivots. Immediately afterward, the
narrator, at least unconsciously recognizing the symbolic equivalence
referred to above--and, what's more, the potential that lies in him to
become another Mr. Mac, another Father Kendall, another version of his
own dead father--flees his hometown, driving nowhere in
particular...just away.
I think that the relationship between the fantastic, horrific aspects
of the story and its more mundane underpinnings needs to be worked out
more thoroughly. Generally it's better to say too little in a story
than to say too much, but my feeling as that there's too much missing
from this story right now. If Mr. Walsh can fill in some of that
missing material, he'll have something powerfully unique on his hands.
--Paul Witcover (author of WAKING BEAUTY)
| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop recognizes members who
have given useful, insightful reviews. After all, that's what makes
the workshop go, so we want to give great reviewers a little
well-earned recognition! (Some months we also award a prize to a
special reviewer.) If you got a really useful review and would like to
add the reviewer to the Reviewer Honor Roll, just use our online
honor-roll nomination form--log in and link to it from the bottom of
the Reviewer Honor Roll page at
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml. Your nomination
will appear on the first day of the next calendar month.
This month's Reviewer MVP is Anika Leithner, who will receive a signed
copy of WARCHILD by Karin Lowachee. Congratulations, Anika!
The Honor Roll will show all June nominations beginning July 1. Some
advance highlights from the June honor roll:
Reviewer: Kathryn Allen
Submission: Rats!: A nautical tale of lust, treachery, and haute cuisine
(June Rats Challenge) by Penelope Hardy
Submitted by: Penelope Hardy
Nominator's Comments: Kathryn Allen, who likes to think herself
infamous for her harshness, delivered a fine,
positive-but-still-critical critique of my rat challenge story. Her
crit is an excellent example of how a crit should be done: the praise
nicely phrased so as to dull the edge of the critical bits, but not
laid on so thick as to render the critique useless. Thanks, Kat!
Reviewer: Pedar Bloom
Submission: Where the Singing Starts by PJ Thompson
Submitted by: PJ Thompson
Nominator's Comments: Pedar not only pointed out what worked/what
didn't, he took the time to discuss the larger issues and themes of my
story. An insightful, engaged discussion. Where something needed
fixing, he didn't shy away from saying so, gently and professionally.
The next time I found myself about to commit the same bad habit, I
remembered what he said, and my writing is better for it.
All nominations received in May can be still found through June 30 at:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml
| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Special note: _Andromeda Spaceways Inflight Magazine,_ an Australian
SF magazine that has published the work of some of our members, now
takes PayPal for subscriptions outside Australia. See
www.camrin.org/asimsubs.html
John Borneman has sold short story "The Brass Man" to _Andromeda
Spaceways Inflight Magazine_ for publication later in the summer. He
says, "Thanks to the workshop admins and all the members!"
Chris Clarke's workshopped story entitled "Cottonstone," a Holocaust
ghost story, has sold to _Fortean Bureau_. Chris says, "Thanks to
Elizabeth, Dan, Donna, Marsha, Jennifer de Jellyfish, Vonne, divine
Maurgerite, Steve and Sarah (and of course, the Spooky Disco crew) for
their valuable input. This workshop is such a valuable resource (and
the people are pretty good too :-) And a special thanks to Pen, who
gave me the best review I've ever had without writing a word. :-)
Wendy Delmater sold eight poems last month, as well as two humor
pieces this month to _Survivor Wit_.
Roger Eichorn sold a story called "Pressurized Heaven" to Gothic.Net
(http://www.gothic.net) for publication this summer. It was
workshopped on the OWW under the title "Airline Blue."
Mark Fewell sold his story "A Gargoyle At The Door, A Dragon In The
Air" to _Glyph_ (http://www.undauntedpress.com) for publication in
issue #13 (summer 2003).
Shannon Hale sold her fantasy novel THE GOOSE GIRL to Bloomsbury USA
and Bloomsbury UK. The first chapter, "Crown Princess," was
workshopped with us. Publication is scheduled for 2003.
(http://www.BloomsburyMagazine.com/USA/default.asp,
http://www.bloomsburymagazine.com/)
Martin McGrath has made his first sale: his story "A Banshee Sang on
Tottenham Court Road Tube Station" will appear in _Fortean Bureau_.
He says, "Thanks to Rhonda S. Garcia, Elizabeth Bear, Dorian E. Gray,
Michael Backus, Dawn Kaufman, Rabe Raven and Andreas Fonseca (did I
miss anyone) for their positive reviews of the story. It was the
easiest piece I've ever written--I had a version up on the workshop an
hour after having the idea and there have been only cosmetic changes
to the final version."
Cecil Woods is the workshop's third Clarion East 2002 attendee, along
with Celia Marsh and Mark Morehead. We hope to hear more from them
about their experience later in the summer.
| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Number of members as of 6/20: 461 paying, 102 trial
Number of submissions currently online: 1028
Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 58.4%
Percent of submissions with zero reviews: 2%
Number of submissions in May: 560
Number of reviews in May: 2574
Ratio of reviews/submissions in May: 4.6
Estimated average word count per review in May: 514
Number of submissions in June to date: 325
Number of reviews in June to date: 1565
Ratio of reviews/submissions in June to date: 4.8
Estimated average word count per review in June to date: 550
| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
TIP: What to Ask Yourself When Evaluating a Review of Your Writing
A reviewer might wield any number of tools in the process of reducing
your writing to Swiss cheese. Some critiques follow a predefined
method; others are loose and free. Some discuss only broad narrative
elements (the "Macro"), while others leave the Macro to others and
focus on immediate grammatical or stylistic elements (the "Micro").
Regardless of the manner in which your work has been reviewed,
however, you should first run the review through a series of questions
before you change your writing--a review of the review, so to speak.
It's especially important to ask yourself these questions when you've
received a review of an isolated chapter of a much longer--and most
likely uncompleted--work. Writing is, of course, an attempt to
communicate, which is why following basic rules of grammar and
punctuation is always advisable: if readers can't understand what you
mean, or if they have to consciously recast your sentences in their
minds in order to follow your story, then it's time you revisited the
basics. But when Joe Q. Reviewer jumps in at Chapter 41 of your latest
pseudo-medieval fantasy novel he doesn't know what occurred in the
first forty chapters, he doesn't know your characters or your world,
and he doesn't know where your story is heading. In all likelihood, he
has little sense of you as an author. So when should you heed his
advice, and when should you ignore it? Sometimes good, solid advice
will seem terrible at first blush; other times advice that won't help
at all--and may even hurt your writing--will seem spot on. My advice
is that no matter how logical (or illogical) a reviewer's suggestions
may seem, always ask the following questions before either
implementing or dismissing his or her suggestions (and these are good
general questions to ask no matter what's been reviewed, even a
completed short story about to be sent to _Asimov's_):
1) How much do I know about the reviewer?
a. Is the reviewer representative of my audience?
b. Do the reviewer and I share similar tastes?
2) Have I already given thought to the points the reviewer has raised?
a. Has the reviewer considered my intentions before criticizing my
execution?
b. Is the reviewer attempting to hijack my story?
c. Is the reviewer pedantic?
3) I don't agree with a reviewer, but am I just being stubborn?
---end of Part 1--
For a detailed explanation of these questions and how to apply and
answer them, see the complete tip in our Tips and Advice area:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/tips/eichorn.shtml
--Submitted by Roger Eichorn
TIPS APPRECIATED
Got a helpful tip for your fellow members? A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission? Or a writing tip? Share it with us and if we agree it's
useful we'll publish it in the next newsletter. Just send it to
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com and we'll do the rest.
See you next month!
The Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction and Fantasy
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
| - - Copyright 2002 Online Writing Workshops, LLC - - - - - - - - -|
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