O | The Online Writing Workshop for SF, F & H Newsletter, January 2003
W | http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!
| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
- Workshop News:
OWW to launch romance workshop
Upcoming focus groups
Odyssey summer writing workshop
James Gunn writing workshop
Membership payment information
- Editors' Choices for December submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Feedback: ratings system & other questions
| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Welcome to 2003! We notice that workshop activity has increased this
month, and hope that everyone is busy pursuing their writing goals for
the new year. We're giving a book prize this month to workshop member
Pen Hardy for organizing focus chats to help individual workshop
members trying to solve specific writing problems like pacing,
description, or voice. These are being held once a week and more
information is available by asking on the workshop's mailing list.
We're sending Pen a hardcover copy of THE LADY OF THE SORROWS, Book 2
of _The Bitterbynde_ trilogy, by workshop alum Cecilia Dart-Thornton
(http://www.dartthornton.com), which she can read before Book 3 comes
out in a few months.
OWW TO LAUNCH ROMANCE WORKSHOP
OWW has launched our new workshop for romance writers
(http://romance.onlinewritingworkshop.com). Many thanks to all the
beta-testers who've helped with the early phase!
If anyone you know is interested in submitting or reviewing romance,
please let them know about our new workshop. It's free of charge
for a few months until we build up a critical mass of members. Thanks!
UPCOMING FOCUS GROUPS
A number of workshop focus groups are in the works. The ever-popular
synopsis writing focus group will run for approximately a week
starting this Friday, Jan. 24th. It will be followed by a focus group
on constructing languages for fiction that will be moderated by
workshop member and linguistics scholar Meredith L. Patterson. Then
in February we hope to bring in a guest SF/F author for a focus group
on plotting and pacing in novels.
Focus groups are short duration (one- or two-week) e-mail discussions
on specific topics. Usually there are reading assignments; sometimes
there are also exercises. The level of traffic can be very high, so
take that into consideration before signing up. However, many members
have found our focus groups valuable in improving their writing and
reviewing skills.
Anyone interested in signing up for the next focus group, on synopsis
writing, should go to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/oww-sff-focus/ and
sign up. Be sure to change your settings to "no mail" if you wish to
read it on the Yahoo!Groups Web site only.
If you are interested in joining the languages focus group or the
plotting/pacing focus group, please e-mail us at
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com with your name and which you are
interested in. We will add you to the focus-group mailing list when
those focus groups are gearing up. Thanks!
ODYSSEY SUMMER WRITING WORKSHOP ANNOUNCES 2003 SESSION
Odyssey, the highly respected creative writing workshop for science
fiction, fantasy, and horror authors, will host Gene Wolfe as a
special writer-in-residence at its summer 2003 session. This will be
Wolfe's first teaching engagement in seven years, a rare opportunity
for students. Featured 2003 guest lecturers are three-time Lambda
Literary Award winner Melissa Scott, best-selling author Roland J.
Green, award-winning teacher and author Bruce Holland Rogers, American
Book Award nominee John Crowley, and literary agent Lori Perkins.
Odyssey was founded eight years ago to provide up-and-coming genre
writers the guidance and support necessary to become professionals,
and it has quickly become one of the premier genre workshops in the
country. Odyssey is the only program of its kind run by an editor.
Jeanne Cavelos, Odyssey's founder and director, is a best-selling
author and former senior editor at Bantam Doubleday Dell, where she
won the World Fantasy Award for her work. She is also OWW's Resident
Editor for horror.
The six-week workshop, held on the campus of Southern New Hampshire
University from June 16-July 25, combines an intensive learning and
writing experience with in-depth feedback on students' manuscripts.
Students must apply by April 15. Further info:
http://www.odysseyworkshop.org
JAMES GUNN WRITING WORKSHOP
Science fiction author and scholar James Gunn offers a Writers
Workshop every summer at the University of Kansas. You can find out
more by checking this Web site:
http://falcon.cc.ukans.edu/~sfcenter/courses.htm
MEMBERSHIP PAYMENT INFORMATION
How to pay: In the U.S., you can pay by PayPal or send us a check or
money order. Outside of the U.S., you can pay via PayPal (though
international memberships incur a small set-up fee); pay via Kagi
(www.kagi.com--easier for non-U.S. people); send us a check in U.S.
dollars drawn on a U.S. bank (many banks can do this for you for a
fee); or send us an international money order (available at some banks
and some post offices). If none of those options work for you, you
can send us U.S. dollars through the mail if you choose, or contact us
about barter if you have interesting goods to barter (not services).
Scholarship fund and gift memberships: you can give a gift membership
for another member; just send us a payment by whatever method you
like, noting who the membership is for and specifying whether the gift
is anonymous or not. We will acknowledge receipt to you and the
member. Or you can donate to our scholarship fund, which we use to
fully or partially cover the costs of an initial paying membership for
certain active, review-contributing members whose situations do not
allow them to pay the full membership fee themselves.
Bonus payments: The workshop costs only 77 cents per week, but we know
that many members feel that it's worth much more to them. So here's
your chance to award us with a bonus on top of your membership fee.
For example, is the workshop worth a dollar a week to you? Award us a
$12 bonus along with your membership fee. 25% of any bonus payments we
receive will go to our support staff, sort of like a tip for good
personal service. The rest will be tucked away to lengthen the
shoestring that is our budget and keep us running!
For more information:
Payments: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships.shtml
Bonus payments: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/bonuspayments.shtml
About our company: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/bonuspayments.shtml
Price comparisons:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships_comparison.shtml
| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Editors' Choices are chosen from the submissions from the previous
month that show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of
our Resident Editors. One submission in each of three categories --
SF, F, and short stories -- is given a detailed review, meant to be
educational for others as well as the author.
Reviews are written by our Resident Editors, award-winning authors and
instructors Kelly Link, Nalo Hopkinson, and Jeanne Cavelos, or
occasionally other writing pros. Close contenders for EC will be
listed here as runners-up but usually won't get a review.
The last four months of Editors' Choices and their editorial reviews
are archived on the workshop. To view them, go to the "Read, Rate,
Review" page and click on "Editors' Choices" in the Submission
Selector.
Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors!
Editor's Choice, Fantasy Chapter/Partial Chapter:
SWEET ALIESSE, PART ONE: THREE ROSES (PT 1 & 2 OF 2) by Roger E. Eichorn
This was a good read! It's a well-written, carefully constructed,
adult-themed fantasy based on historical sources, reminiscent of Guy
Gavriel Kay's recent work. In this opening section, we witness the
murder of a wily old king, the double betrayal of his cuckold-born
son, the rise and fall of his favored daughter, and the exile and
return of her strong-willed younger sister. At the center of all
these events is a mysterious foreign assassin, Lorenzo, who is a lover
to both women. The direction of a nation hangs in balance. What's
not to like?
While one hesitates to comment too specifically on a work already as
polished as this one for fear of causing critburn (which happens when
a story gets over-workshopped and every detail becomes so crystallized
that the story freezes in place, losing the individual flavor of the
author's voice), there are three general areas where this section
could show improvement.
A few scenes open with lovely lines -- my favorite was "The droning of
bells swept like court gossip through Londum Palace" -- but too many
of those lines are emotionally flat. Consider the first line of the
novel: "The manor house rose from a snow-covered field edged in
woodlands." Neither the manor, the snow, nor the woodlands are
important to the story, which is less about place and more about
people. The scene becomes much more powerful as soon as we see
Lorenzo's reaction to the manor. In other places, we're simply told
what happens rather than being allowed to see it. ("In the year that
followed, it was as though the violent movements of the world had come
to rest." "Lord Carlton, Sir Walsham, and young Steffen left the
Lonely Isle the next morning.") The story is stronger when the scenes
open with a character in action, or with a detail that sets a specific
emotional tone.
Tone is muted throughout the story by the repetition of short
declarative subject-verb sentences broken by fragments. This paragraph
from Part 2 is an example at one extreme: "He entered the study alone,
closed the door behind him. He was tall, taller than she.
Smooth-cheeked, young, dark, hard as steel. He stood across from her,
just outside the reach of her arms. He smelled like wind off the sea.
He glanced to the table, to the vestments and the sword... and the
chain. He was growing a braid, she noticed." Too many sentences like
this in a row create a choppy, staccato feel. Varying sentence
structure and length, even a little, would allow the author to employ
a broader emotional palette and draw attention to specific details by
use of contrast. Something long, then something short.
This choppiness also limits the effectiveness of the dialogue. This
novel parallels Elizabethan England, but where are the ornate
formalities of the language, the ability to convey subtle favors and
insults, and the elaborate rhetorical excesses of the educated that
characterized those times? One doesn't want the author to go too far
in the other direction, and short crisp dialogue can communicate
emotional intensity, but surely the fairly consistent use of short
direct sentences in dialogue represents a missed opportunity to define
the characters with different voices based on their social status,
personal interests, or backgrounds.
This is already a very strong opening to a fantasy novel. More
attention to the opening hooks in scenes, variation in sentence
structure, and moderate ornamentation of the dialogue has the chance
to make it more powerful.
--Charles Coleman Finlay
Workshop Administrator and author of cover stories "The Political
Officer" and "A Democracy of Trolls" (_The Magazine of Fantasy and
Science Fiction__, 2002)
Runner-up, SF Chapter/Partial Chapter:
NEGENTROPY by Quincy James
This was the most interesting and promising of December's SF chapters
and prologues, but at only four pages long it's impossible to judge
the plot or get a sense of whether the author can sustain interest and
tension across a longer story arc.
Many of the images are striking. The golden and burgundy husks of
these posthumans on the landscape of Titan were vivid, and made alive
with passages like this one: "Wisps of plasma escaped from the edges
of her eyelids. And sparks danced over her eyes." The plot -- a
father sending his transformed daughter with a group of colonists out
ahead of invaders -- has lots of potential conflicts inherent in it.
Compared to this, the opening dialogue seemed flat. I was not
particularly hooked by the first four paragraphs, and had to go back
to reread them after the two characters were established. "They're
coming" is not especially gripping if I have no idea who "they" are
and no knowledge of or interest in who they're coming after. The
author might wish to consider starting with the man and woman standing
on the plateau of ice. I would also be reluctant to read an entire
novel with untagged dialogue in only italics and bold; if the author
plans to continue this way the writing has to be stunning. Right now,
there's still room for improvement at the sentence level.
As a point of etiquette, the author's notes advise reviewers to look
up extropian issues on the web. It's important to establish everything
the reader needs to know within the story. Advice to "look things up"
is more like to discourage or prejudice readers than win them over.
This prologue stands well enough on its own; the author is advised to
trust in his story-telling abilities.
Overall, it was a delight to see an author take imaginative risks. If
he can maintain reader sympathy and interest in a posthuman main
character or characters, this could be a very interesting read. I look
forward to seeing what the author does in subsequent chapters.
--Charles Coleman Finlay
Workshop Administrator and author of cover stories "The Political
Officer" and "A Democracy of Trolls" (_The Magazine of Fantasy and
Science Fiction__, 2002)
Editor's Choice, SF Chapter/Partial Chapter:
UNCOMMON GROUND, Chapter 5 by Elizabeth McGlothlin
None of the three chapters of this novel posted during December have
any explicit SF elements, but the general tone and premise of the
story are reminiscent of mainstream SF thrillers of the type written
by Michael Crichton or John Darnton. The prose is very clean from
paragraph to paragraph, and if the author can resolve some of other
problems noted below, she may wish to consider trying to sell it to
those markets instead of genre publishers. While all three chapters
illustrate the author's ability to create and sustain a narrative,
Chapter 5 has the most tension and conflict; I'd like to see the other
chapters equal some of its intensity.
The female lead, Cassie, is a grad student trapped in a sasquatch
research project she doesn't take seriously. Sheriff Ethan Stone, her
love interest, feels a little too conveniently available. Why doesn't
a great, attractive, well-liked guy like this already have a wife or
girlfriend? I'd expect Cassie to wonder the same thing. There's a
missed opportunity here to increase the level of tension by giving
Ethan issues of his own, whether it's an existing relationship, an old
hurt, or other mixed feelings.
With the exception of Willa, who has a very distinctive voice, the
cast of ensemble characters around these two were less vivid to me.
Perhaps it's because there are so many but it may also be because
while there are good descriptions of them (George's bifocals, Foster's
slumping) these details get lost in scenes that are too long.
That's my biggest concern with these chapters: while the writing flows
well from paragraph to paragraph, the author takes too long to develop
scenes. There's an imbalance between how long some scenes are and how
important they are to the story. For example, it takes more than two
pages to cover the time from when Cassie wakes up on Sunday morning to
the moment she walks into the main room to confront George. We just
don't need two pages here, especially since much of the information
presented by Willa and Adam is covered again immediately in the next
scene. Willa and Adam each have four lines of dialogue here: one or
two is all they need in this scene. Move us on to the conflict in a
half page or so. Much of the dialogue in the following scene is
repetitious. Instead of taking ten lines of dialogue to convey the
report from the previous night, get it out in four, like this:
"Somebody's always detailed for the Hotline," Jason said, a faint
smile dimpling his cheek. "And we had a report of a sighting."
"Oh, whose night was it?"
"I was here," George said indignantly. "We needed everyone available
to go out to take the witness statement right away before it got
exaggerated or overlaid. And then do the investigation onsite."
"Onsite?"
While the original version may resemble the way people really talk, if
some scenes are denser and more intense it creates the flexibility to
change pace and slow down for other scenes, like the exposition on
bear poaching. I thought this problem was much worse in the earlier
two chapters: in 4, for example, there are over three pages of walking
down the road and peeing in the woods before the truck shows up and
the real action starts. That's far too much for the importance the
scene has to the overall story.
If the author can increase the conflict in the romantic subplot, make
the minor characters more vivid, and significantly tighten the pacing
of less important scenes, this has the potential to be a very good
SF/suspense novel.
--Charles Coleman Finlay
Workshop Administrator and author of cover stories "The Political
Officer" and "A Democracy of Trolls" (_The Magazine of Fantasy and
Science Fiction__, 2002)
Editor's Choice, Horror (from November submissions--December's will
be skipped for technical reasons):
"Crow Among the Starlings" by John TMD
I enjoyed the last scene and the ending of this story quite a
bit. There was some chilling description ("Pearson . . . made
horizontal slices with a knife across his chest until the skin
looked like a venetian blind. He cut off the man's ears, and
then his feet until he was no more than a tailor's dummy"), and
Pearson's statement about how his victims react to his actions
("I can give them that focus. . . . A sharpness, a clarity comes
to them") felt very real and also fresh. The author is clearly a
skilled writer who can come up with powerful imagery and
emotionally charged situations.
I wasn't terribly involved in the story up until the
last scene, though, for several reasons. There are also some
stylistic weaknesses that occur throughout that keep the story
from having the power it should have. I'll discuss these below.
*SERIAL KILLER: So many serial-killer stories have been written in
recent years that when I encounter another one, my eyes just glaze
over and I want to stop reading. To write a successful one you have
to offer something significantly different from what's been done
before, which is a tough thing to do. There are actually quite a few
works that link serial killers and artists of various kinds, so that
alone isn't enough to distinguish this story. (A few movies that make
the link between photographers/moviemakers and killers are the 1992
Belgian film "Man Bites Dog," the 1978 movie "The Eyes of Laura Mars,"
the 1993 movie "Kalifornia." An episode of a TV horror series also
linked a photographer and a murderer, as did a novel. I've read at
least ten other novels or stories involving artists and serial
killers. As an aside, I'll mention that "Starlings" in the title
makes me think of Clarice Starling in "The Silence of the Lambs," and
that's not something you want the reader thinking of.
What I think distinguishes this story is the ending--the father/son,
mentor/student relationship that develops between Pearson and Saul. I
don't believe that any of the works I mentioned above end quite that
way; that is the core of the story and the key to making it work.
There are two problems with this right now, though. First, this
special, distinguishing element is not at all apparent until the end.
Most of the story feels like just another in this overcrowded group I
listed above. If I were an editor reading this for publication in a
magazine, I would have rejected the manuscript before reaching the end
because it would have felt too much like other things I'd already
published. You need to raise the father/son or teacher/student issue
earlier. Does Saul have issues with his father? Does Pearson remind
him of his father? Does Saul believe Pearson might have turned out
differently if he'd had a good father? Somehow this issue needs to
come into play on page 1, so that the ending will not feel like it
comes out of nowhere, but will be the horrific ending to a storyline
that was introduced at the beginning.
The second problem, related to the first, is that you don't
sufficiently set up that ending so that it has the power it should
have. When I get to it, I should feel that it is both surprising and
inevitable. Yet I don't. Throughout the story, Saul seems a puppet
of the author, not acting on his own but being manipulated. Because
of that, his actions at the end don't feel like his own, so the whole
thing feels contrived and loses its power.
I believe that both of these problems are strongly connected to your
main character and your POV, which I'll discuss next.
*MAIN CHARACTER: I feel like you knew the ending for this story early
on, and you just sort of took the character through the motions you
felt were necessary to get him to the end. I don't believe you ever
really thought about what sort of person would do what Saul does, what
he must want in life, and how he must feel. Saul never comes across
as a real person for me, so I have little interest in him, and thus
little interest in the story, until we get to the gory confrontation
at the climax. I don't care whether he succeeds or fails at taking
the pictures, getting recognition, saving his relationship with his
girlfriend, or escaping the games of the killer.
We need to see much more strongly, from the first sentence, what Saul
wants. Your main character needs to have one strong desire, and the
stronger the desire, and the more obstacles to obtaining it, the more
we'll sympathize with him. He doesn't seem to have any strong desire
until the bottom of p. 8, where he suddenly realizes, "He wanted to
photograph something that no one had ever done before." This feels
contrived by the author, because it seems to arise suddenly and out of
nowhere, just when it's convenient for the story. Also, I don't buy
this desire. Any photographer worth his salt knows that it's not
_what_ you photograph, it's _how_ you photograph it. Perhaps he's
trying to capture a certain feeling in his work, or an energy, or a
hidden truth. I'd find that more believable, and if he felt that on
p. 1, it wouldn't seem so contrived. He should have taken the job to
photograph murderers in the first place because he hoped that they
might offer the inspiration he needs to reveal this hidden quality.
(Instead, you set this up as a coincidence. He happens to get this
job, and it happens to obsess him. It's always much better to connect
events in your story through a causal chain--he takes the job because
he has this obsession.) But the photos don't reveal this sought-after
truth, and he's horribly disappointed. Then he thinks perhaps
photographing the victims would offer this quality. (This would be
much stronger than the lack of a reflection in Pearson's photo, which
really seems a writer's contrivance.)
The plot needs to be focused on Saul's quest, and driven ahead by
his attempts to achieve his desire. Right now, the character
seems to drift until the author forces him to do something, which
also hurts the story's momentum.
--The conclusion of this lengthy review can be found in the Editors'
Choice area of the workshop!--
--Jeanne Cavelos
http://www.odysseyworkshop.org/
Runner Up, Short Story:
"Scaredyfox" by Chelsea Polk
This is a well-written story with an interesting SFnal element, but
perhaps not enough conflict. The best parts of the story center around
the group therapy: the author manages to sketch in a large number of
individuals in a compact amount of space, the dialogue is strong, and
the quests for spirit animals are interesting, if a bit easy. The
concept of the Animus is familiar, but not overly so--the slang for
the Animus Persona Treatment (Personal Jesus, Voice in My Head) is
terrific, and the use of therapeutic/scientific lingo is also
convincing, as is Howard, as a therapist with his own issues.
However, because there isn't very much conflict in this story, it ends
up feeling a bit like a commercial for a therapeutic breakthrough that
hasn't even happened yet. For one thing, DocHoliday's online
trolling/touting for the wonders of APT seems not only over the top,
but possibly illegal. (Is she getting money from the company that
invented APT? It all seems very Robin Cook.) Even Howard, the token
skeptic, is won over so easily in the end that he may leave the reader
behind. It doesn't help that Howard, although a therapist, is not
terribly introspective about his anxiety attacks -- he doesn't seem
particularly concerned with what is causing them, but only with how to
make them go away. Usually therapists have their own therapists, but
not Howard, it seems. As for story arc, you may have seized upon a
great idea and setting, but picked up the wrong end of the story, at
the part where everyone first falls in love (yes, this is a love
story) with APT, and then ended it, while everyone is still in the
first blush of love, before it gets really interesting.
It's very difficult to tell a story in which, from the beginning,
things seem to get better and better for all the characters. If there
was a suggestion that going through the treatment had its own
attendant difficulties, we might find it easier to accept APT as real
and new. But it ends up seeming not very much different from the
spirit animals -- Jaguar instead of version 9.1. (Again, Jaguar comes
with some interesting new quirks.) But in this story, Arwen (and
Beatrice---great name for an animus, by the way) see Tom and Jenny
(are all Animus female, and if so, why aren't they Anima) in a brand
new, romantic light, and Howard has quit his job to write a book (at
least that's what the ending seems to suggest). And although we've met
Howard's spirit animal, Scaredyfox, we never get to meet his Animus.
A few questions to ponder: who, eventually, will be paying for APT?
How much does it cost? Who stands to make a profit from it? It seems
likely that everyone is going to want an Animus. Will parents get them
for their children? Will courts insist that convicted felons
automatically go through APT? Will religious groups protest? How will
it affect artists, or marriages, or TV sitcoms? Is it really a
cure-all for every possible psychiatric disorder? In any case,
consider: how can it go wrong?
One clunky sentence: "Her natural attractiveness shone through without
the burden of fantastic excess." Avoid this kind of non-specific
summary statement -- you've already said everything you need to, with
the description just before it.
--Kelly Link
http://www.kellylink.net/
Short story collection STRANGER THINGS HAPPEN available from Small
Beer Press
Editor's Choice, Short Story:
"Lidibidia's Legacy" by Karen Kolodenko
This is a wildly inventive, enjoyable, light-hearted confection of a
story -- as the author says, it's children's fantasy, and it's very
much in the style of Lemony Snicket, or Lynne Reid Banks, or Joan
Aiken's Arabella and Mortimer books, or her Armitage family series. A
mysterious inheritance, a wicked, tiresome relative, a child prodigy:
all of these are classic elements in both fantasy and children's
literature, but "Lidibidia's Legacy" has its own loopy charm. It also
needs a bit more fleshing out, more speech tags, more telling detail
and description, and possibly a few less exclamation points. For one
thing, do Robideaux and Gretch go to school? Apparently not, as he
lives in his bedroom for at least a week. Does he have friends? What
do his parents do for a living? Does Aunt Elsa live down the street
(or possibly next door) and which side of the family does she come
from?
Consider beginning with "'Do you remember Lidibidia?' Mother asked",
cutting the first two one-sentence paragraphs (beware one-sentence
paragraphs, by the way. Use them sparingly, to heighten effect -- when
they're commonly used, they merely make the narrative choppy and
awkward.) Beginning as the story does now, with a plot summary, feels
unnecessary -- this story moves fairly fast on its own. Also, give us
a description of Aunt Elsa (how she sits on the sofa, what she does
while she watches television, who has to sit next to her) immediately
after the first paragraph of description: we need to be able to really
see her, and well-described villainous family members are one of the
great pleasures of children's literature.
You might also want to describe Lidibidia and her visit, all those
years ago, and possibly have Mother tell everyone to what unusual
charity Lidibidia has left her house and estate. Another pleasure of
stories like this is in the small but extravagant details, like
Robideaux's calculations, and the evolution/life-cycle of the piano --
and also how Robideaux continues to call it a piano, even when it's
not. On the other hand, for a genius, Robideaux seems strangely more
like an accountant. He never tries to experiment by putting other
things into the drawer, or by opening the drawer in the middle of the
night, or any of a thousand other things. Why not? Any sensible,
non-genius child in a Diana Wynne Jones novel certainly would.
This story could be longer by at least half -- only Robideaux, at this
point, manages to seem at all like a real person. Why not fill this
story out a bit, and then make it a series of stories about the
eccentric Family Shoop to whom eccentric things happen? Perhaps you
shouldn't fob off Aunt Elsa so easily -- make her as pitiful as she is
unscrupulous, and perhaps she could still be a thorn in their side,
even at the very end. Also, you may be writing for older children than
you think -- keep the language and style too simple, and you've
limited yourself. Make it a little richer, and even the youngest of
readers will eventually be the right age to enjoy this story.
You might want to also go through the story, editing for tone.
Sentences like "Father sorted them all gleefully" sound a bit twee,
especially considering that there are only four presents -- not a lot
of sorting, really. ("Father, who was most depressed of all--Elsa
wasn't even his sister--jumped up with energy at the cheerful sound"
is another example of overkill. He could just "jump up."). Better to
tell us instead what program Elsa is watching on television, and how
she turns up the volume.
Further, specific nitpicks:
The explanation of how Robideaux comes to find the secret compartment
is a bit forced -- for one thing, where has he been keeping all his
books before he got the desk? For another, I'm not sure piles of books
can ever be described as "tenuous." Why not just have a book fall
beneath the desk, and have him go hunting for it?
"Eggplants!", by the way, is a wonderful exclamation. But don't break
the tension of the effort to open the desk by having Robideaux "break
for nourishment" -- for one thing, it seems out of character. When
he's on the scent of something, he doesn't stop to come downstairs for
food. (And in general, it seems odd that this family only manages to
see each other at mealtimes, usually breakfast).
The description of the piano is marvelous (as is Robideaux's dream
that night), although you might want to tell us exactly how small it
is -- does it fit on his palm? Egg-sized? Matchbox sized? And again,
don't just tell us that "the train was absorbing in its own way"; what
does it do?
In the section where Robideaux discovers the pendant, the writing
begins to get a bit sloppy and sketchy. Don't just tell us that he
"had walked into Aunt Elsa." Have him walk into her, and tell us if
she's bony or unpleasantly soft. And tell us if Aunt Elsa usually
roams the halls of the house, or if it's unusual that she isn't
watching television. "She had a gleam in her eye that Robideaux did
not entirely trust" should follow directly after she says "You
shouldn't be trusted with an object this valuable. I'll keep it for
you, shall I?"
There's a bit of transitional confusion between their conversation and
breakfast, perhaps Aunt Elsa should drag him down to breakfast
triumphantly, after he refuses to hand it over. And make sure that we
know it's Aunt Elsa speaking when she speaks.
The next day, when Robideaux comes down to breakfast, please give us
some concrete description: his father's pajamas, the book that his
sister is reading (it would be wonderful to have more detail about his
sister -- something that makes it clear she is going to be as unusual
as he is). Overall, Gretch is far too good to seem like a real younger
sibling. She doesn't spy, she doesn't complain that Robideaux doesn't
let her play with his desk, she doesn't complain either that all she
got was a frilly dress. Perhaps you could suggest that she is having
her own adventures with the dress, or at least have her become
obsessed with it and wear it everywhere.
When Aunt Elsa and Uncle Erble attempt to burgle Robideaux's room in
the middle of the night, everything happens a bit too fast, and it
feels improbable, especially Robideaux's parents' reactions. If you'd
fleshed out Aunt Elsa, and mentioned Uncle Erble earlier, it would
seem more convincing and satisfying -- it would certainly be more
satisfying if the parents told Elsa never to come over again, rather
than Elsa calling on some unspecified Saturday in the future to say
that she can't visit.
The ending works, although it would be nice if we'd known earlier that
Robideaux's mother is thinking hard when she's saying the least. You
might also consider playing with the comical, repeated rhythmic
structure of the sentences towards the end, unless this is going to be
a picture book.
--Kelly Link
http://www.kellylink.net/
Short story collection STRANGER THINGS HAPPEN available from Small
Beer Press
| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop recognizes members who
have given useful, insightful reviews. After all, that's what makes
the workshop go, so we want to give great reviewers a little
well-earned recognition! (Some months we also award a prize to a
special reviewer.)
If you got a really useful review and would like to add the reviewer
to the Reviewer Honor Roll, just use our online honor-roll nomination
form--log in and link to it from the bottom of the Reviewer Honor Roll
page at http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml. Your
nomination will appear on the first day of the next calendar month.
The Honor Roll will show all January nominations beginning February 1.
Some advance highlights from the January honor roll:
Reviewer: Deb Atwood
Submission: STILL LIFE, Chapter 1 by Alisha Karabinus
Submitted by: Alisha Karabinus
Nominator's Comments: I had already gone through my submission and
decided that it was too fast, that it felt more like cribnotes than a
full chapter, and when Deb reviewed it, not only did she pick out
those problems (and point me to the specific places where she wanted
more information), but by the time I was finished reading her review,
I honestly felt like I could just go to the passages she had marked,
make those corrections, and that's it! I'm finished. Definitely the
best review I've gotten so far.
Reviewer: Sharon Woods
Submission: "Come Out To Play" by Ben Searle
Submitted by: Ben Searle
Nominator's Comments: Wow, this was an amazingly thorough review.
Sharon looked closely at the ideas behind the story and the
characters, so that after reading her review I felt like we'd had a
detailed discussion. Her questions, comments and suggestions are going
to be very valuable in my revisions. Thanks, Sharon.
All nominations received in December can be still found through
January 31 at: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml
| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
We can't announce them if you don't let us know! So drop Charlie a
line at support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com whenever you have good
news to share.
Sales and Publications:
Elizabeth Bear started the new year by selling her dark sexy SF story
"Speak!" to _On Spec_. And her very clever poem "e. e. 'Doc'
cummings" will appear in the March issue of F&SF. She submitted this
one on a dare after mentioning the idea on the workshop mailing list.
Hannah Bowen sold her fantasy short story "Among the Cedars" to
_Ideomancer_ (http://www.ideomancer.com). It was a second-person
workshop challenge piece. And "Tin Cup Heart" will appear in issue
#16 of _Chiaroscuro_ (http://www.chizine.com). Hannah was bouncy:
"That's a first pro sale for this very giddy girl."
Stella Evans did a little happy dance when she sold "The Pineapple
Girl" to _Abyss & Apex_ (http://www.klio.net/byrenlee/abyssandapex).
She thanks her reviewers: "You Know Who You Are."
Mark Fewell sold "Gary, The Hot Dog King, and The Demon-Possessed
Beard Trimmer" to new 'zine on the scene _Elsewhen_. This story was
workshopped on the horror workshop.
Charles Coleman Finlay sold "Pervert" to _F & SF_. He thanks all his
reviewers, especially Dan Goss who helped him solve a key problem with
the opening hook and pacing. His novella "The Political Officer"
(F&SF, April 2002) made the preliminary Nebula ballot and has been
picked up by Gardner Dozois for THE YEAR'S BEST SF. And his novelet
"For Want of a Nail" will appear in the March issue of _F & SF_, out
in a week or so.
Daniel Goss's EC-winning short story "Bioplastic Blues" appears in the
January issue of _Ideomancer_ (http://www.ideomancer.com). Your
newsletter editor says go read it!
Karen Kobylarz sold "A Perfect Game" to online 'zine _Elysian Fiction_
(http://www.elysianfiction.com). For other members submitting to this
market, Karen tells us: "They pay up-front on acceptance, but it's
taking a while for my story to be published."
Dorothy Lindman's story "Dialogos" is in the current issue of the
_Fortean Bureau_ (http://www.forteanbureau.com). She told the mailing
list: "this story is such a departure from what I usually write -- it
has no real conflict, no plot, very little character development, no
action -- it's basically two guys 'chatting' in a kitchen and making a
string of historical and mythological in-jokes. I figured there was no
point in even submitting it; I workshopped it just for the heck of
it." She added: "I'm not the best judge of my own work."
Navy veteran and Hollywood refugee Sandra McDonald sold a short story
to _Realms of Fantasy_, but was much too modest to tell us the title
or anything about it. A quick check of her member directory entry
shows recent sales to the Fall 2002 issue of cutting edge skiff-lit
'zine _Electric Velocipede_, with upcoming stories in _Space and Time_
and _Andromeda Spaceways Inflight Magazine_. We didn't know about
those either. What's a poor newsletter guy to do?
Deja vu! Sarah Prineas got a New Year's Eve acceptance from _Realms of
Fantasy_ for "Seamstress." It's her third pro sale all over again.
After being chided in the last newsletter for forgetting us, Tempest
reported in with her latest sales, "The Birth of Pegasus" to the TO
DIE FOR... anthology and her absinthe flash "Why I Don't Drink
Anymore" to _Abyss & Apex_ (http://www.klio.net/byrenlee/abyssandapex).
Amber van Dyk sold "Out for the Count" to the _Fortean Bureau_
(http://www.forteanbureau.com). She says, "Thanks especially to Marsha
Sisolak for the last minute help, and coming up with the snappy,
clever title!"
| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Number of members as of 1/20: 659 paying, 163 trial
Number of submissions currently online: 736
Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 71.2%
Percent of submissions with zero reviews: 2.8%
Number of submissions in December: 524
Number of reviews in December: 2460
Ratio of reviews/submissions in December: 4.69
Estimated average word count per review in December: 572.6
Number of submissions in January to date: 375
Number of reviews in January to date: 1654
Ratio of reviews/submissions in January to date: 4.41
Estimated average word count per review in January to date: 582.2
| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
WORKSHOP BEHAVIORAL SCIENTISTS WANT TO KNOW...
Many of you use the five-point ratings scale when you review. Many of
you don't. This is a question for those of you who don't: do you
answer the "Do you feel this piece of writing is publishable?"
question at the bottom of the reviewing form? If not, why not? One
thing we'd like the workshop software to be capable of is to pick out
the submissions members feel are the best. It's hard to do this
without the data from the ratings scale, but we don't want to make the
five-point rating mandatory because it is not the most important part
of a review (just the easiest for our software to understand!). The
publishability question might help us, if even non-users of the
five-point ratings used it. Ideas? Illuminating reports on your own
behavior? Let us know at support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com.
TIPS APPRECIATED
Got a helpful tip for your fellow members? A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission? Share it with us and we'll publish it in the next
newsletter. Just send it to support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com and
we'll do the rest.
Until next month -- Just write!
The Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
| - - Copyright 2003 Online Writing Workshops, LLC - - - - - - - - -|
Visit our newsletter page to subscribe!
[an error occurred while processing this directive]