O | The Online Writing Workshop for SF, F & H Newsletter, April 2003
W | http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!
| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
- Workshop News:
OWW Romance Workshop
YA writing project
May writing challenge
April crit marathon
Market News
Membership payment information
- Editors' Choices for March submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Feedback: thank you!
- Tip:
| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
This weekend in April marks a major workshop milestone. Two of OWW's
original members are finalists for SF awards: Karin Lowachee's
WARCHILD (a multiple EC winner in '99 and '00) is a finalist for the
Philip K. Dick Award (http://www.philipkdickaward.org/) for best
paperback original, given at Norwescon in Seattle, and Charles Coleman
Finlay's "The Political Officer" is a finalist for best novella at the
Nebula Awards (http://www.sfwa.org/awards/2003/) banquet in
Philadelphia.
Both writers also made the ballot for the Hugo Award
(http://www.wsfs.org/hugos.html), announced on Friday! Karin and
Charlie are finalists for the John W. Campbell Award for best new
writer, and Charlie's "The Political Officer" is nominated again for
best novella. While Karin and Charlie are the first OWW workshoppers
to be considered for these awards, after looking at the quality of
writers developing on the workshop, we doubt they'll be the last!
GET THE WORD OUT!
OWW's new workshop for romance writers is open and free of charge for
the next few months: http://romance.onlinewritingworkshop.com. We've
added Shannon McKenna as our Resident Editor. Shannon wrote one of the
three erotic novellas in I BRAKE FOR BAD BOYS and is the author of the
romantic suspense novel BEHIND CLOSED DOORS (from Kensington).
But people can't use the romance workshop if they don't know about it,
and right now, not nearly enough folks know about it. So spread the
word!
YOUNG ADULT PROJECT NEEDS VOLUNTEERS -- TODAY!
Workshop member and middle school teacher M Thomas is recreating a
classroom laboratory where she teaches her students to critique
fiction. It's a chance for workshop members who write YA books to get
feedback from their future readers. She describes the project below,
but April 21 is the deadline for volunteering your fiction for the
project. Anyone with questions should email her at
Anaparenna(at)aol.com.
"The OWW has graciously offered to help me recreate the YA Writing Workshop
Teacher experience that I put together 2 years ago. This is an event in
which my students are able to log on to the workshop, read material by real
writers, and critique them. The project fulfills several of our
state-mandated teaching standards for 8th grade writing and reading (13-15
years old), as well as offering the students a real-world writing
experience. They love having the opportunity to "have a say" in the works
intended for them, and it's a great chance for writers to get honest
feedback from their intended audience. (A little market research, you
might say!)
Although student responses may be somewhat formulaic, I will be urging them
to put all their reading and writing skills to good use. Judging by the
feedback from former participants, it was an enjoyable experience all
around.
I'd be very pleased if you would consider posting the first chapter of your
YA work for this project, if you have any. Also, if you know any other
members who are working in the YA market, but may not have anything posted,
it would be great if you could pass this on to them. First chapters are
best, as students find it hard to start in the middle of anything. Because
this is a school-related event (and I have parents to answer to!), please
make sure your post is free of any nudity or sexual activity (beyond a
little kissing, which is fine) and free of graphic descriptions of violence
(blood is okay, but a lot of splashing blood or gooey innards would be too
much).
The project will take place on April 23, 24, 25 (reading days) and May 2 and
5 (critique posting). I would request that you have your posting up by
April 20 or 21, so that I can make a list of the works available for
students to read. Please put YA WORKSHOP in the title so the kids can
search for it. This is an exciting opportunity for my students, and I'd be
honored if you'd take part in it. Please feel free to email me with any
questions. Thanks for your consideration, and I look forward to seeing your
posts!"
WRITING CHALLENGE FOR MAY
Here's the latest challenge concocted by workshop members:
The writing challenge for May is: Blood. There are lots of thing to do
with blood, literally, metaphorically, and both. Go crazy. Have fun.
Do both.
Participating in the monthly challenges is an excellent way to stretch
your skills and try things that you usually wouldn't tackle. Pick a
genre you usually don't write in or a subject that challenges you. Do
something daring. These pieces are for fun, so don't worry about them.
As an added incentive for pushing yourself in a new direction,
challenge pieces have a remarkable sale rate--proof, perhaps, that
challenging yourself may pay off in ways you can't expect. Over 30
challenge stories have gone on to sell to magazines or anthologies,
including a couple of first pro sales.
Please don't post any pieces prior to May first. When you post it (at
12:01 5/1/03), put the words "Moon Challenge" in the title. If you
can't stand waiting till May first, that's just too bad. Walk around
the block or crit past challenge pieces in an effort to distract
yourself.
For more information on the writing challenges, visit:
http://www.thermeon.net/checkered/Challenge.html
APRIL CRIT MARATHON
A workshop Crit Marathon began on Tuesday, April 1 and continues through
Wednesday, April 30th, 2003. The suggested Marathon goal is to write at
least one substantive critique and post it to the workshop every day during
the Marathon. There are even prizes! For more information, see:
http://www.thermeon.net/checkered/Marathon.html
In the three weeks since the Crit Marathon started, the number of subs
with three or more reviews has climbed from around 78% to over 86% and
stayed there, while the average number of reviews-per-subs has jumped
from 4.9 to around 5.4--both of these are new highs. But more
encouragingly, during the first week of the marathon a dedicated group
of workshop members reduced the number of under-reviewed submissions
from its daily average of eighty down to zero! And they've kept it
there since. Wow!
Thanks to everyone who contributes their reviews to the workshop
(since without reviews there would be no workshop), with extra-huge
thanks to everyone who has participated so far in the Crit Marathon!
MARKET NEWS
The first issue of _Fools Motley_, an e-zine devoted entirely to comic
science fiction and fantasy, will launch on July 1st. They're seeking
submissions for their first issue. Guidelines can be found at
http://www.angelfire.com/dragon/foolsmotley. This is a non-paying market.
And workshop member Jennifer Michaels is the flash-fiction editor for the
new 4-the-love _Worlds of Wonder Ezine_. Guidelines can be found at
(http://www.geocities.com/lady_poet2003/guidelines.html).
MEMBERSHIP PAYMENT INFORMATION
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Bonus payments: The workshop costs only 77 cents per week, but we know
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| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Editors' Choices are chosen from the submissions from the previous
month that show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of
our Resident Editors. Submissions in four categories -- SF, F, horror,
and short stories -- receive a detailed review, meant to be educational
for others as well as the author.
Reviews are written by our Resident Editors, award-winning authors and
instructors Kelly Link, Nalo Hopkinson, and Jeanne Cavelos, or
occasionally other writing pros. Close contenders for the EC may be
listed here as runners-up but usually won't get a review.
The last four months of Editors' Choices and their editorial reviews
are archived on the workshop. Go to the "Read, Rate, Review" page and
click on "Editors' Choices" in the Submission Selector.
Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors!
Runner Up, Fantasy Chapter: SILVERTONGUE by Lisa Clardy
Editor's Choice, Fantasy Chapter/Partial Chapter:
THE TIMBER ROAD by Glen Dodge
This was unique and had a fresh voice that immediately drew my
attention. It was one of those chapters that drew me into the story
and made me want to read more once the chapter ended--a good sign for
a first chapter. There were some incredible details and wonderful
pacing to the chapter that added to the intensity of the scene.
The tone of isolation and sadness was strong and consistent
throughout. The sedate pace added to the overall deathwatch effect,
and I really liked the ending of the chapter; that first step onto the
"road" towards the rest of the novel.
Since this is the first chapter of a longer work, there are some
details that need to be clarified. Killian's mother's death is a large
part of this chapter and seemed particularly important for the reader
to watch. There's no indication of the cause for her death, which
distracted from the tension and made Killian's deathwatch seem cold
and distant. Is Killian in despair because his mother's death is
unpreventable (caused by a wasting disease) or inevitable (caused by
something in his mother's lineage)?
The mother also tells Killian to, "strap me down. Strap it tight.
Guard yourself," but we aren't shown what Killian was to "guard"
against. The mother's warning implies danger to Killian, something she
knew would happen at a certain time, but we're only shown her
delirium. This could be more clearly defined.
The feeling of isolation is strong, and I'd like to know why Killian
is alone. There is a mention of siblings, but no reason why they are
no longer there. The mother's death was heavy with importance, so I
was wondering why Killian was the only son there.
The cellar and mushroom section leaves me with a lot of questions. The
details of the mushrooms are intriguing--toxins able to give K.'s
mother divination, but could kill someone without the ability, edible
when fully mature--but the "den of secrets" is never fully explained.
The sense of danger is palpable, but not defined; for the reader to
fully understand Killian's fear, the danger should be more fully
described. I also thought the flashback scenes were a bit muddy--we're
shown a tighter-knit family then, but again, I didn't get a true sense
of the mother-son relationship that is so important to this first
chapter.
At the beginning of this chapter, Killian thinks about clearing away
the weeds and cleaning up the cellar, but his mother tells him to
leave. "Go down the Road and tell your brother I love him and he
should help you get on your feet." She smiled. "Help you find a girl
to take care of you. Help you find your place. Leave Timber behind.
Nothing left here but trees and bones." I'm not convinced this is
compelling enough for Killian to leave his home, especially since
we're not given any clues about Killian himself other than his grief
at losing his mother. In the earlier exposition and perhaps during the
mother's burial, we can be shown Killian's own inner feelings about
his family, his mother's death, his immediate future. Right now,
Killian's emotional state is only vaguely intimated.
Small details: When Killian visits his mother's grave before leaving,
the dirt has "turned... blue". This needs to be explained further.
The "plinth had fallen over," but earlier, Killian regretted not
making a headstone for his mother; his father's would have to serve
them both. There's no mention of another marker being erected when
Killian buried his mother's body. Also, a plinth is usually a base
beneath a statue or column.
The names of things could be cleaned up a bit. Is "Timber" a reference
to the home or area Killian and his family owns? Is the "Road"
symbolic or literal? Killian takes a trail that led into the woods,
but his mother tells him to "go down the Road."
In general, watch out for verb tense changes--inconsistencies
throughout the chapter made for awkward transitions and slowed down
the already intense pace.
I like the introduction of "magic" into the story--very
matter-of-fact--but it could also appear earlier in the chapter. The
power Killian's father possessed is only revealed when K. speaks with
Hastram. This character trait seems to be important, and with further
details about the mother's death, the tone of the overall novel will
be more clarified. Magic seems to be a natural part of the story, so
it would help to define this magic from the beginning as it pertains
to Killian's character development.
While I think this chapter could use some tightening up and
clarification of the characters and situation, I found the writing to
be very fresh--a good use of tone and description to create a
realistic feeling of isolation and sadness. This chapter resonated
with a mythical undercurrent that I'd like to see brought closer to
the surface, perhaps in later chapters. This is not the usual
action-packed hook of most opening chapters, but its quiet intensity
drew my attention. This shows great potential!
--Jenni Smith-Gaynor
Former editor, Del Rey Books
Editor's Choice, SF Chapter/Partial Chapter:
PERFECT CIRCLE CHAPTER 11 by Carlos Jimenez-Cortes
PERFECT CIRCLE is a near-future SF thriller in which a mining company
discovers a mysterious structure buried deep underground. The attempt
to recover it -- and uncover its secrets -- creates conflict between
the mining company, the CIA, and African warlords.
There's much here that's well done. The use of detail creates vivid
scenes that bring the story alive and make it feel fresh. When the
author writes "the imposing Virunga Mountains, with Nyrangongo in the
forefront and Mount Karisimi to one side, formed a splendid backdrop,
like a painting, a composition of such breathtaking beauty it looked
false," he not only creates the landscape but sets up the sort of
double-dealing that follows in the rest of the scene. Other
descriptions create memorable images of the characters: "Rows of scars
lined his cheeks, small lumps like grains of barley forming lines to
his porcine eyes and disappearing beneath puffy eyelids." Other
details interrupt the strictly linear narrative of the story in a way
that creates verisimilitude and brings the characters to life, as in
these two paragraphs:
Robert made a gesture of exasperation and rolled his eyes. "General,
surely you don't expect me to bring sixty tons of hardware under my
arm. The weapons will be handed over to you within a week on the
Rwandan border."
The general compressed his eyes to a thin line. He leaned to one side
and farted loudly, a look of relief coming over his face. "It's the
diet," he added pokerfaced. "Too many vegetables. Nevertheless, back
to the weapons. That, my friend, was not the agreement."
The general's reaction communicates exactly what he thinks of Robert's
offer without writing it too on-the-nose. But sometimes, these details
go too far, I think, like later in this scene for example with the
"wet stain spreading across the general's trousers." I didn't see what
that added at that point, except as an attempt to make him more
repulsive. It didn't move the story forward the same way for me as the
earlier example. I felt the same way about Dylan throwing up while he
described the violence to Paul at the very end. I could see that
happening right after the moment, but it seemed like too much for the
circumstances where he was recounting it.
Also, while the African scenes are vividly evoked, the scenes in
Langley, Virginia, which are largely dialogue, are almost void of
evocative details. For example, when Barry "drew a chair to the table
and produced a folded sheet of paper from his coat pocket" we see the
action as a sort of stage direction, but there's nothing in either the
description of the setting or the actions of the character that brings
it to life the same way. Characters may shake their heads, lower their
voices, move papers, lean on the table, but these are generic actions
described in a generic way -- every novel needs some of that, but I
would have liked to see some of the same vividness of the African
scenes here too.
There were also places where I found the dialogue very natural and
convincing. Examples include the scene in which the Langley crowd
discusses the explanation for Paul Reece going missing, the
conversation between Robert and the general around the excerpt quoted
above, and the discussion in the third scene between Joe and Barry
about which options they should take to the director.
These kinds of skills with detail and dialogue are terrific and very
promising. However, the story has some significant problems in pacing
and structure that also weaken it considerably.
If we look at the opening scene of the chapter, we see repetition of
information and a long build-up to the arrival of a character that
doesn't have much payoff. In the first paragraph, Joe looks at
Scott's finger-drumming and deduces that he's agitated because Malcolm
is late. In the second paragraph Scott fidgets some more and says
"Where's Malcolm?" We have two sets of details detailing the same
information, with the first paragraph telling us (through Joe) what
the second paragraph shows us. This sort of thing can be effective in
some circumstances, but it didn't work for me here because there was
no payoff -- after seven(!) paragraphs about waiting, Malcolm hurries
into the room and the story proceeds as normal. If everything was cut
before Malcolm opens his leather portfolio, nothing in the story would
change. I would suggest reconsidering what those opening paragraphs
add.
I had the same sense for parts of the whole chapter. I'll admit here
that I haven't read any of the previous chapters, but it appears to me
that in the first scene, the Langley characters discuss what happened
in a previous chapter -- Paul going missing. Then in the third scene
and in the very last scene, the characters are discussing the murder
of some customs officials that seems to have happened in a previous
chapter. It gives me the feeling that what's happening here, in this
chapter, is not as important. On the other hand, if none of this was
covered before in the book, then it appears that some of the most
important and dramatic events are happening completely offstage. That
sort of thing can be done effectively in moderation, particularly if
the author wishes to convey a sort of second-hand confusion about what
really happened. But here it made me want to say, "Get on with the
story already."
There's a lot here to like, and a real descriptive talent that needs to
be used throughout, but not overused. Bring events to life for us and
cut unnecessary trimmings so we can get on with the story!
--Charles Coleman Finlay, Workshop Administrator
and author of Nebula and Hugo Finalist "The Political Officer"
http://home.earthlink.net/~ccfinlay/
Editor's Choice, Short Story:
"Sleep Jockeys in Love" by Deborah Coates
This was an engaging science fiction story, told from multiple
viewpoints, that could be strengthened by some fairly easy revisions.
Told from the point of view of two sleep jockeys (interstellar pilots)
and a novelist who once had a brief, enchanted fling with one of them,
the story combines believable sfnal details and emotional richness.
While the voices of the two sleep jockeys ring true, some of the
attempts at slang (like "What 'ya thinks changed" and "I'm goin' get
the prettiest boy at the party, King'-man, but I'ma save the prettiest
girl for you") fall flat. That "'ya" and the way "I'ma" is run
together, just sound strained. Terms like "cryo-sleep" and
"cryo-pilot" and "synth-flan" don't really work either. "Sleep" and
"sleep jockey" are perfect -- use those. And if you want to come up
with the name of a drink that Emmy would actually want to try, make it
sexy and funny. "Synth-flan" sounds like a new kind of Metamucil.
Don't use phrases like "the latest patterned leather jacket" - that's
way too vague, and timid. Keep your details fast and precise and
tight. "Fresh girl" is a great term, whereas "holo-girl" and
"holo-boy" aren't -- how about using something like "superboys" and
"supergirls" instead? But overall, and especially in Emmy's sections,
the fast, free, joyous tone is a sheer pleasure to read.
In the other sections, the more "writerly" style is just plain
overwrought by comparison. Although there are some nice attempts to
examine the kinds of cliches that love inspires, in the end,
unfortunately, the writing itself just becomes cliched and vague,
failing to provide either insight or reader gratification. And while
the parts about Ivy Blue's life in the wilderness could be an
interesting contrast to Kinger's and Emmmy's and Limit's lifestyle,
they drag and distract. I like the idea of the long-ago romance that
Kinger and Ivy shared. I like the idea that Ivy has written a series
of books. But maybe, in order to keep the focus of the story tight, it
would be better if Ivy's books were all romans a clef based on her
romance with Kinger. If you keep all the information about Kinger's
history with Ivy to those sections (including parts from his point of
view), and perhaps even hint that this story might be written by Ivy
(after all, Ivy and Emmy, in some ways, are very similar), this
narrative gains a lot more shape and weight. This is a fairly radical
rewrite, and there are certainly other possible ways to make the story
work. But something needs to happen to juice up the Ivy sections.
There are a few places where we may need more information. It seems
strange that the navigator who has died in transit doesn't rate a
mention by name. How big are the crews? What is the percentage of
fatalities per flight? Most importantly, what is "sleep" like? Maybe
one of the Ivy sections could be Ivy, writing a dream from Kinger's
point of view, during one of his long sleeps?
Some sentences that read awkwardly:
"He could see it in their faces usually, a tiredness that couldn't be
erased, a way of looking at things with fear or anger or something
other than enthusiasm. But, Limit?"
Instead, how about something along the lines of "He could see it in
their faces usually, a tiredness. But, Limit?"
"She's happy beyond pleasure and rejection's just another thing to
do." You could rewrite that sentence, but you could also just cut it.
"When he left he kissed her goodbye at the terminal gate and forgot
her immediately when he boarded his ship."
Instead: "He kissed her goodbye at the terminal gate. He'd already
forgotten her by the time he boarded his ship." That way, the
structure of the sentences suggests how fast he's forgotten her, and
it's also less clunky. Again, this is from Kinger's POV, but you could
easily keep it as you've got it, and make it part of Ivy's book.
"He seemed tightly wound, all tension and suppressed energy and he had
a grin that seemed to go from ear to ear."
Why not cut most of that sentence and just keep "He had a grin that
seemed to go from ear to ear." "All tension and suppressed energy" has
no visual zing.
"Kinger just looked at him for a minute, the conversation he and Emmy
V had had earlier echoed in his mind."
First of all, this is a comma-splice. In any case, the second half is
difficult to read. Why not "Kinger just looked at him for a minute,
wishing Emmy V was around to hear this."
"Then, so fast it takes her breath away, it all grows serious between
one heartbeat and the next and everything slows down and spins out in
front of her as if time has just become a thing built from moonlight
and gossamer lace."
Aargh! This is a fabulous description of falling in love, right up
until you get to "as if time has just become a thing built from
moonlight and gossamer lace." Cut that stuff out - it kills the
sentence, and the rest of the paragraph too. I mean it!
Finally, when Kinger tells Emmy "It isn't love, you know, Emmy.
Bringing boys home from the clubs." This is very convenient for Kinger
to say, of course, considering what the story is about, but it feels
forced, and out of character. Kinger knows Emmy isn't looking for
love.
In some ways this is a very old-fashioned story. There's nothing wrong
with that, although it does make it harder to sell to markets looking
for new spin, new ideas, new fresh tech. What sells this story,
though, is its characters, especially Emmy. Emmy is a wonderful,
persuasive, winning viewpoint character. Don't give up on this story
-- keep on revising it until the rest of it grabs the reader as hard
as she does. Try reading it aloud. Then send it out to _F & SF_, and
if it bounces back from there, send it to _Strange Horizons_.
--Kelly Link
Short story collection STRANGER THINGS HAPPEN available from Small
Beer Press
http://www.kellylink.net/
Editor's Choice, Horror:
"The Final Drawings of Eliot Tobitt, Animator" by Kevin Miller
I liked Parts I and II of this quite a bit--they were
interesting and creepy, and the descriptions of Eliot's drawings
and house were strong. I thought it was a good idea to introduce
the Web site devoted to Eliot's work, which was believable and
could potentially create an interesting conflict. These opening
sections set up a lot of mystery, a lot of questions, and made me
eager to continue to find the answers.
I'm afraid I didn't think Parts III-VI worked as well, though. The
plot does not seem well constructed. First, there isn't a strong
conflict running through the story. Moshe urges the studio to make
the film, the studio decides to make the film, and the film gets
watched. The only minor conflict we get is between Kyle and the Old
Man, but this is a subplot, not strongly connected to Eliot's story or
the power of the cartoon (and I also don't find it believable). The
scenes we do get, also, are things we anticipate--there are no
surprises until the end, and no real suspense (I've discussed suspense
in previous critiques, so won't go into it here). The minute the
lawyer relates Eliot's desire to have his final cartoon produced, in a
room with the Web site guys in it, I know that the Web site guys will
be announcing this to the world and demanding that the studio produce
the cartoon--I don't need a scene showing me that. The boardroom
scene is also like many, many scenes I've read and doesn't really do
anything unexpected. The lack of strong conflict also means nothing
serious is at stake for the people in these scenes: no one really
knows what will happen when the cartoon runs, so none of them care all
that much about whether the cartoon is produced or not. That makes me
not care very much.
Second, we don't have a character to care about in the story; I don't
particularly hope for anyone to succeed or for anyone to fail. This
is, in part, because the plot is unfocused, but also because the point
of view is extremely distant, and shows me all of these people almost
as cartoon characters (Kyle keeps reminding me of J. Jonah Jamison
from SPIDERMAN). This would be okay if it were some sort of comedy or
satire, but this story's ending needs to be taken seriously to have
any effect. Right now, as the world is enveloped in this drawing, I
don't feel any strong emotion. This is a cool idea and could
potentially be very powerful, but right now it isn't in a context that
makes it powerful.
Third, the plot doesn't have a strong cause-and-effect structure. You
offer a weak explanation for the power of the cartoon in Part V, which
is far too late in the story; it's like telling me your hero is a
black belt in karate right before the climax where he beats the
villain at karate. The power of it has nothing to do with any of the
events in the story, as far as I can tell.
Finally, there seems to be no thematic unity to the plot. Each scene
seems to have its own themes, and it's not clear how they connect.
So how might an author solve these plot problems? One simple solution
would be to have one character have some clue that something bad will
happen if the cartoon is shown. Helen is the obvious choice. She
could then become the main character, and be struggling to stop the
production throughout the story, only to ultimately fail. Perhaps she
loved Eliot, and she knows he plans to reunite with his dead wife
through the cartoon. This would give us a character to focus on and
sympathize with, and it could be done through a close third-person
limited-omniscient POV. It would also give us a strong unifying
conflict, and as Helen pleads with people not to run the cartoon, she
could explain why it has a special power. We wouldn't know whether to
believe her or not until the end, which would keep us reading (as in
Stephen King's "The Boogeyman"). This would also allow for the
underlying conflict and themes to come out more clearly. For example,
the conflict could be about how everyone wants something out of this
cartoon (the studio wants money, Moshe wants entertainment, Eliot
wants reunion with his wife), and they care more about these things
than about the danger to humankind. This is just one of many, many
possibilities, but I think it shows how the story's elements could be
tied more strongly together.
The other issue that I felt was a problem in this story was awkward
sentences. Among those, the most common mistake is jumping between
topics in a long sentence. For example, "A man like him, whose only
talents were his enthusiasm for popular culture, and his ability to
communicate that enthusiasm to his readers via his Web page that he
and his friends put out, scattered here and there in L. A., putting it
all together on-line in their separate apartments and with their
separate computers, and getting together, in the flesh, for pizza and
beer once each new addition had gone up, even a man like him, Moshe
Davovitz, was still able to get to readers in positions of influence
and authority."
Whew! First off, long sentences should be used in specific places to
create specific effects--often they are good to show chaos, fear,
out-of-control action, and similar things. Here, simply describing a
character's life, there's no reason I can see for such a long sentence.
The rhythm isn't appropriate for the content.
Second, the sentence is unfocused. As I've discussed in
previous critiques, a sentence should articulate an idea. It may
be a complicated idea or a simple idea, but it should be only one
idea. This one piles on several ideas: (1) what Moshe's talents and
abilities are, (2) how his friends put together the Web page, (3)
how they get together after each new edition is put up, (4) the
fact that the Web page has readers of influence.
Third, the sentence is awkwardly written. The continuation of the
phrase "A man like him" doesn't come until the end, with "was still
able to get to readers..." Readers can't hold that opening phrase in
their heads for so long, which is why the sentence needs to repeat
"even a man like him, Moshe Davovitz" to remind us what the it was
about. This is a clear sign that the sentence structure isn't
working. Several other internal structures also don't make sense. For
example, "his Web page that he and his friends put out . . ., putting
it all together on-line." Again, you are repeating yourself, with
"put" and "putting," rather than saying things once in a
straightforward way. There are a number of sentences like this.
I would simply cut ideas 2 and 3, which seem obvious and irrelevant to
the story, and create a stronger connection between 1 and 4, so that
they become one idea:
"He might be a geek whose only talent was an ability to communicate
his enthusiasm, but he was a geek who could influence those in
positions of authority."
Similar work, this drastic or less drastic, could be done on the other
long, confusing sentences throughout the story.
As I said at the beginning, there are a number of really intriguing
ideas here, and some nice description. Some work to create a more
exciting plot structure and smooth out long sentences could yield a
compelling, fun read. I hope my comments are helpful in strengthening
the story.
--Jeanne Cavelos
http://www.odysseyworkshop.org/
| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop recognizes members who
have given useful, insightful reviews. After all, that's what makes
the workshop go, so we want to give great reviewers a little
well-earned recognition!
If you got a really useful review and would like to add the reviewer
to the Reviewer Honor Roll, just use our online honor-roll nomination
form -- log in and link to it from the bottom of the Reviewer Honor Roll
page at http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml. Your
nomination will appear on the first day of the next calendar month.
The Honor Roll will show all April nominations beginning May 1.
Some advance highlights from the April honor roll:
Reviewer: Al Bogdan
Submission: TIDES OF DARKNESS by Ryan Funderburk
Submitted by: Ryan Funderburk
Nominator's Comments: This review was very helpful, and even though I
already knew what my weaknesses were, Al was able to clarify exactly what I
had to do to fix them. And that was something that I hadn't been able to do
thus far. Big thanks, Al!
Reviewer: Jaime Voss
Submission: DEEPER THAN BLACK chapter 7 (rewrite) by Linda Dicmanis
Submitted by: Linda Dicmanis
Nominator's Comments: Jaime actually gave EXAMPLES of what grounding details
are and what "show--don't tell" means. Most other critters have mentioned
these things--but never explained them. Jaime is my hero, as now I'll be
able to majorly FIX my story!
Reviewers nominated to the honor roll during March include: Donna Johnson
(3), Debbie Moorhouse (2), Anna Kashina (2), Susan Hopewell, Karen Mayer,
Catherine G. Emery, Jon Paradise, Kim Jollow Zimring, Dan Strong, Randy
Simpson (2), Leonid Korogodski, PJ Thompson, John Tremlett, Laura Ferries,
Lawrence Payne, Mike Nelson, Greg Byrne, Kyri Freeman, Carol Bartholomew,
Susan Jett, Ian Bennett, Leah Corsaro (2), Erin Boyd, Michael Staton, Brian
Otridge, Deb Atwood (2), elizabeth hull, Tony Valiulis, Kathryn Allen (2),
Elizabeth Bear, Larry West (3), Trent Walters, Cynthia Cloughly, Meredith L.
Patterson, Marsha Sisolak, Carol Hillebrenner, Matthew Baron, Beth
Bernobich, Gill Ainsworth, Kim Purdue, Heather Long, Carlos Jimenez-Cortes,
Jenni McKinney, Amy Alward, Brad Beaulieu, and Sarah Prineas.
All nominations received in March can be still found through
April 31 at: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml
| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
We can't announce them if you don't let us know! So drop us a line
at support(at)sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com whenever you have good
news to share.
While it's neither a sale nor a publication, congratulations go out to
workshop members Marsha Sisolak and Chance Morrison for being accepted
to the Clarion summer writing workshop. Marsha will be joining Tempest
at Clarion West and Chance will go to Clarion East. Here's hoping they
have as good an experience as all the previous OWWers who've attended
Clarion!
We also received this special notice from _The Fortean Bureau_
(http://www.forteanbureau.com) about their April issue:
"This is the extra-special 'Weird myths and fairy tales' issue, edited
by Kimberly Bradford, better known around the workshop as Tempest.
This month's issue includes: 'The Dying of the Light,' non-traditional
weirdness by workshoppers Elizabeth Bear, aka Ebear, and Amber van
Dyk, aka Mek; 'Dryad's Dilemma,' backyard weirdness by workshopper S.
Evans, aka Stella; 'The Odaeneid,' god 'n' goddess weirdness by
not-a-workshopper-but-still-pretty-cool Toiya Kristen Finley; 'Along
Your Way,' ubercreepy weirdness by workshopper Pam McNew (the boss
says she's '...like Kelly Link, only a steelworker' -- you heard it
here first); and 'Conversations with the Sea,' tragic weirdness by
workshopper Kenneth D. Woods." They say check it out.
Sales and Publications:
Elizabeth Bear sold a novel excerpt from HAMMERED to the literary
print magazine _Harpur Palate_. This one was much workshopped and she
says "the list of thanks is too long to go into name by name, but
thanks and thanks again to everybody who looked at it."
John Borneman sold his my fantasy/slipstream story "Backhoe Vultures"
to _The Fortean Bureau_ (http://www.forteanbureau.com). John
confesses, "I actually workshopped this story twice. Along the way,
luminaries such as Jaime Voss, EBear, Mike the Janitor, Larry West,
Roger Anderson, Dan Goss, Melinda Kimberly, Carol Bartholomew, and Pen
Hardy helped me to refine the story. I also need to send an
extra-special thank you to Sarah Prineas who performed a very special
deep review outside the workshop. Thanks to all! The OWW is the best!"
John Borneman's "A Spell of Rats in Bad Places" appears in the April
issue of _Planet Relish_ (http://www.planetrelish.com/). This was
written for the "rats in bad places" challenge, and continues the
newsletter's streak of challenge sales. It was a good month for John!
Hannah Bowen's story "Tin Cup Heart" is up right now in the April
_ChiZine_ (http://www.chizine.com/).
md's flash piece "fading" is featured in the April premiere issue of
the e-zine _Worlds of Wonder_
(http://www.geocities.com/lady_poet2003/). He told the mailing list,
"There's no money, there's no print, but it feels good."
Congratulations to Jennifer Michaels for selling her first story! "The
Bargain" appears in the April issue of _EOTU Magazine_
(http://www.clamcity.com/april2003/april2003toc.html). "I workshopped
the story twice here on OWW. Thank you to everyone who helped polish
it up for submission!"
And here's another first-timer! Derek R. Molata writes: "I made my
first sale ever on a poem titled 'Central Park Omniscience' to _Flesh
& Blood_" (http://209.150.104.196/horror/fleshnblood/main.htm).
Darren Moore's short story "Heartseeker" won third place in the Bard's
Ink Short Story Contest. He wrote to tell us about it because, as he
says, while "this one wasn't workshopped here, the advice I'd received
workshopping other pieces contributed."
From the Better Late Than Never Dept: Debbie Moorhouse's nonfiction
article "Manhole Covers in Space -- and Online" appeared months ago in
_Strange Horizons_
(http://www.strangehorizons.com/2002/20021021/manhole.shtml) but is
still worth going to read. Debbie tells us that "the research you do
when preparing a non-fiction piece can help you with fiction -- both
in terms of honing the research skills needed and of what you might
find. The discipline of sticking strictly to the facts while holding
the reader's interest is useful training for when your fiction feels
constrained by the need for accuracy -- it's all good practice."
And Sarah Palmero's "Patchwork" is up in the April _ChiZine_
(http://www.chizine.com/).
Mikal Trimm sold "Gramma," a dark short story about family ties, to
_The Palace of Reason_ (http://palaceofreason.com/). He says "it's
about darned time I sold another story -- I was getting withdrawal
pains!"
| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Number of members as of 4/20: 747 paying, 137 trial
Number of submissions currently online: 779
Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 87.7%
Percent of submissions with zero reviews: .90%
Number of submissions in March: 647
Number of reviews in March: 2995
Ratio of reviews/submissions in March: 4.63
Estimated average word count per review in March: 574.0
Number of submissions in April to date: 389
Number of reviews in April to date: 2448
Ratio of reviews/submissions in April to date: 6.29
Estimated average word count per review in April to date: 541.0
| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
TIPS APPRECIATED
Got a helpful tip for your fellow members? A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission? Share it with us and we'll publish it in the next
newsletter. Just send it to support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com and
we'll do the rest.
Until next month -- Just write!
The Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
| - - Copyright 2003 Online Writing Workshops, LLC - - - - - - - - -|
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