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O | The Online Writing Workshop for SF, F & H Newsletter, September 2003
W | http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!
| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
- Workshop News:
Contest winner
Workshoppers at Worldcon
And the winner is...
Under-reviewed submissions
OWW novels e-published by Del Rey
"Submit or die" challenge
October writing challenge
Market information and contests
Membership payment information
- Editors' Choices for July submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Feedback
| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
CONTEST WINNER
Congratulations to Kylie Short! Her novel HEART OF THE WARRIOR has won
Australia's Emma Darcy Award for 2002! Kylie's manuscript, workshopped
here and on OWW's romance workshop
(http://romance.onlinewritingworkshop.com) beat out 55 other novel
entries in this competition judged by an editor from Mills & Boon UK.
We hope she enjoyed her awards dinner!
WORKSHOPPERS AT WORLDCON
At least thirty-five workshop members from at least three continents
showed up for workshop functions at TorCon, the 2003 World Science
Fiction Convention. Wow!
For the first Worldcon ever, workshop members were up for major
awards, with Charles Coleman Finlay a finalist for the Hugo and
Sidewise awards and the John W. Campbell Award for Best New Writer,
while Karin Lowachee a finalist for the Campbell and the Prix Aurora.
Even though neither writer won, they're just the tip of workshop
writer success.
Gatherings at the member kaffeklatsches were great fun, despite the
lack of coffee or klatch. The unofficial workshop takeover of the
York Hotel bar on many nights was even more entertaining. The
workshop was also represented everywhere that the members were -- the
_Planet Relish_ reading, the _Ideomancer_/_Strange Horizons_ tea
party, and all the panels.
Thanks to everyone who attended, and also to all those who held down
the workshop fort with new submissions and reviews while some of us
were gone.
AND THE WINNER IS...
Last month we promised a free book for the first person to correctly
identify the new feature added to one of the newsletter's regular
sections. Duff McCourt grabbed a first edition of Arthur C. Clarke's
ISLANDS IN THE SKY for finding the under-reviewed submissions info
added to the statistics section. Congratulations!
UNDER-REVIEWED SUBMISSIONS
Last month a vigorous discussion ensued on the workshop mailing list
(http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/newsletter/index.shtml) about the
under-reviewed submissions feature. Some members were very upset at the tone
of the reviews they were getting on their subs and others wanted to opt out
of the feature. Ever since that debate, the number of under-reviewed subs
has been climbing again!
Remember that it's impolite to explain to any stranger why you are reviewing
him/her -- unless it has something to do with the writing itself. Reviews are,
or should be, about the writing only: if you say you are reviewing something
because it is on the under-reviewed submission list, you are starting off by
focusing attention away from the writing and either onto yourself or onto
the writer, which is rude, a violation of the reviewer-reviewee
relationship. No one wants to feel like they're getting a "pity crit": it
implies a criticism of them as a person, especially if you include explicit
comments on their possible behavior as a reviewer. Reviews should be about
the writing only, not about the writer, and not about the workshop. People
who think they're getting reviewed for some other reason beside the
writing also tend to ignore the review! So it wastes your time.
Reviews stating that "this is a rescue sub review so please pay it forward
to someone else" prescribe a set of expected behaviors on the reviewee.
Anything like that takes the focus away from the writing, and puts it on the
writer. Even when the intentions are good, this will more often than not
shift the writer's focus away from the content of the review, and can create
hard feelings. Any comments about the writer, or about the writer's workshop
behavior, especially if they have negative connotations, are mildly impolite at
best and extremely counterproductive at worst. Aside from that, be polite,
be balanced, be honest. In that order.
Members who want to opt out of the under-reviewed submissions list might ask
their regular reviewers or any three workshop pals to drop a "Hi, I'll be
back later" or some other note on their sub. The submission can soon be
buried with the 3-crits subs and become far less likely to get a random and
unwelcome review. (Thanks to workshop member Kat Allen for this tip.)
We are also working on replacing the word "Rescue" (as in "Rescue this
under-reviewed submission" since we feel that wording may add to the
problem. Suggestions for replacements that are more colorful than
"review" but have no imbalance-of-power overtones are welcome.
(Rescue us.)
In the meantime, thanks to all of you who have continued to review the
under-reviewed subs! They've climbed back up to over 10% this month and we'd
like to encourage them to come down again.
OWW NOVEL CONTEST WINNERS PUBLISHED BY DEL REY
How many times do we have to remind you before you click on the links and
form your own opinion of these e-books? Go on, do it now. We'll wait.
TAINTED GARDEN by Jeff Stanley: What if an alien world was alive?
What if it had secrets it wanted to keep from the people who lived
there? High-concept SF -- more than just another first-contact novel.
(http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=0345459105&view=excer
pt)
STONE MAIDEN by Anne Aquirre: A deconstructionist look at fantasy,
filled with real, sympathetic characters.
(http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=0345457676&view=excer
pt)
THAGOTH by Michael McClung: The greater the good there is, the
greater the evil that will rise to oppose it. But the heroes will
have to conquer internal demons before they can defeat the external
ones. A fantasy about the human heart at war.
(http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=0345459113&view=excer
pt)
Check out the future of publishing by buying these e-books for just
$2.99, or read the free excerpts online and see what your fellow
workshoppers are doing to attract attention.
"SUBMIT OR DIE" CHALLENGE
The current challenge is still underway. To encourage each other to
submit work for publication, mailing list members periodically issue a
"Submit or Die" challenge with prizes for the most rejections, the
first pro sale, and so on. Feel free to join the challenge. Rules and
prizes are posted at: http://www.thermeon.net/checkered/SOD.html
OCTOBER WRITING CHALLENGE
October's challenge is going to be Young Adult Fiction. There is no
set age group for this challenge, so you can write for five-year-olds
or high school seniors or anything in between. As always, any genre
you want, but remember to push yourself.
For more complete information on the monthly writing challenges,
visit: http://www.thermeon.net/checkered/Challenge.html
MARKET INFORMATION AND CONTESTS
A first-novel contest in which Time Warner Books is involved in the U.K.:
http://www.lichfieldgarrick.com/htm/projects/lichfieldPrize.shtml
Workshop member Karin Lowachee won the last American Time Warner first-novel
contest with WARCHILD.
Workshop member Rabe Philips announces the "Darker than Tin, Brighter than
Sin" chapbook anthology: "OWW members are invited to submit to an anthology
by an OWW member for OWW members to benefit the OWW Scholarship Fund. All
profits from the sale of the anthology will go directly to the coffers of
the Scholarship Fund to help provide memberships to deserving and talented
writers who can most benefit from this type of peer critique/review group.
The themed anthology is planned up to fifty (50) pages and will accept
submissions for both fiction and poetry." The theme of the anthology is
"angels" -- for full guidelines please visit
http://www.rabephillips.net/chapbook/chapbook.html
The Douglas Coupland 1,000 Words Short Story Award: deadline, Jan. 6, 2004.
Picture-game veterans ought to take a crack at this one. Entrants choose
one of four photos to write a 1,000 word short story. Free entry, cash
prize. http://www.pulp.net/about/1000/coupland-award.html
_The First Line_ (http://www.thefirstline.com) announces its 2nd First
Line contest. The winning sentence will be used for one of the
magazine's 2004 issues. The winner will receive a one-year (4 issue)
subscription to _The First Line_ and $10.00. For rules, see:
(http://www.thefirstline.com/contest.htm)
MEMBERSHIP PAYMENT INFORMATION
How to pay: In the U.S., you can pay by PayPal or send us a check or
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fully or partially cover the costs of an initial paying membership for
certain active, review-contributing members whose situations do not
allow them to pay the full membership fee themselves.
Bonus payments: The workshop costs only 94 cents per week, but we know
that many members feel that it's worth much more to them. So here's
your chance to award us with a bonus on top of your membership fee.
For example, is the workshop worth five dollars a month to you? Award
us a $11 bonus along with your $49 membership fee. 25% of any bonus
payments we receive will go to our support staff, sort of like a tip
for good personal service. The rest will be tucked away to lengthen
the shoestring that is our budget and keep us running!
For more information:
Payments: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships.shtml
Bonus payments and information about our company:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/bonuspayments.shtml
Price comparisons:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships_comparison.shtml
| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Editors' Choices are chosen from the submissions from the previous
month that show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of
our Resident Editors. Submissions in four categories -- SF, F, horror,
and short stories -- receive a detailed review, meant to be educational
for others as well as the author.
Reviews are written by our Resident Editors, award-winning authors and
instructors like Jeanne Cavelos, James Patrick Kelly, and Kelly Link,
and by experienced science-fiction and fantasy editor Jenni
Smith-Gaynor. The last four months of Editors' Choices and their
editorial reviews are archived on the workshop. Go to the "Read,
Rate, Review" page and click on "Editors' Choices." Congratulations
to this month's Editors' Choice authors!
Editor's Choice, Fantasy Chapter/Partial Chapter:
SPIRIT, "Stealing Wisteria" by Holly McDowell
Holly McDowell has created an interesting world where people have
forgotten Spirits, vampires dwell in a city's sewers, and witches
offer pleasure. An inventor returns to the city of Einmar, and a witch
makes a deal with a powerful Senator. McDowell has done a nice job --
all of these elements are wonderful hooks for the beginning of this
intriguing story.
Sumarra is a sympathetic character whose life as a witch is "short and
violent." She longs for a world where witches are "respected and not
reviled" and where her daughter will grow up as the child of a
powerful Senator. Like all witches, Sumarra must bear a daughter by
the time she is twenty-four years old or else she becomes an outcast.
But for the reader to truly feel sympathetic towards Sumarra's plight,
the culture of the witches must be more clearly defined. There isn't
enough information about the life cycle of the witches to understand
why they bear only one child (only a daughter?), why they have to have
one by age twenty-four, and why they don't start as soon as their
menses begin. It is socially unacceptable for a witch not to bear a
child, and those who choose not to are shunned or murdered by other
witches, but there doesn't seem to be any reason why this should be.
The city of Einmar is split into two separate classes -- those living
in the south are poor, and those in the north are wealthy and
powerful. Using the term "north" and "south" are confusing, because
these terms are usually used as directions (e.g. Birds fly south for
the winter). To describe the northern part of the city of Einmar, I
suggest using other descriptive phrases like "the northern end" or
"the northern part of the city" or name the sections similar to how
other cities name their areas (e.g. New York's Upper East Side,
Boston's Beacon Hill). At first, it was unclear that Einmar was a city
and not a much larger area -- "Going north" made me think of traveling
a long distance, not just walking across a river in the same city.
Einmar's class division could also be clarified. If Sumarra can walk
across a bridge to the northern and wealthy part of Einmar, what is
preventing the rest of the southern poor from doing the same? What
marks the witches as witches? If the Einmara are all light haired,
then no other people or races in this novel can have light hair. There
need to be other distinguishing physical traits to separate these
three ethnicities (the Einmara, the Talestriians, the witches) if this
is to be a major part of the world as McDowell has set it up.
Not only do they need to have physical differences, but their cultural
differences could be better described to make the impact of alienation
stronger. Sumarra longs for something she and her sister witches can
never haveŃrespect, power, and wealth. Ben and his father are
escaping persecution and are relying on the Senator to be their
benefactor in exchange for their invention. Their culture has been
exiled (more to come on the Talestriians, I hope). But the culture of
Einmar needs to be more fully developed to get a sense of its
complexities.
Starting with Sumarra's story, then changing chapters to introduce Ben
works well. Ben's character could be more solidly described -- how old
is he? He wears "his old school uniform" but seems to be older than
school age. His father doesn't want to stir up trouble by looking into
their ancestors' past, but their culture seems to have been forgotten
by the current inhabitants. The story of the Talestriians' exile will
be revealed in coming chapters, I'm assuming. In the second chapter,
I'm not sure if Ben and his father are part of the people who once
persecuted the witches or if they are some other ethnicity. Their
culture could also be clarified.
With a bit of clarification, the impact of McDowell's characters'
conflicts will be much stronger. Sumarra's plight will seem more
sympathetic if the witches' life cycle was shown more clearly. The
impact of Ben and his father's return to Einmara will have more
strength if their ethnicity was more clearly defined. The separation
of the classes will feel more solid if the differences between the
northern Einmara and the southern Einmara had more complexities than
snobbery.
Vampires, spirits, witches, and class warfare aren't new to the
fantasy genre, but Holly McDowell has done something different with
her story. Keep up the nice work and this novel will certainly be
quite a page turner.
--Jenni Smith-Gaynor
Former editor, Del Rey Books
Editor's Choice, SF Chapter/Partial Chapter:
THE BISHOP CONSPIRACY, Chapter 9 by Jen Oberlander
There is much to enjoy in this action-packed chapter. The
implementation of future technology is skillfully handled and the
characterization has a certain rough vigor, although it _is_ stylized.
Jen mentions in the summary of an earlier chapter: "I realize some
action might seem unreal but I was going more for heroic than reality
here." It's worth noting the difference between the kind of action
writing that treats mayhem as a kind of deadly dance and that which
emphasizes the physical toll pummeling, stabbing and shooting exacts
on the human body. There is room in fiction for both approaches and
for the most part Jen handles the former with aplomb. What keeps this
chapter from flying higher is Jen's occasional tendency to lean on
emotional cliche and to borrow used furniture from other action
stories.
Note the way Jen builds narrative momentum through the use of strong
verbs. Our heroes leap and creep and slide and dive and twist
through this scene. Bullets slam into things and instruments rain
down. Her sentences take aim and usually hit their marks. She also
deploys some clever tech here. I was very happy to contemplate the
notion of chip implants as a futuristic torture, invisio-suited
assassins (although I hate the neologism -- more on that later) and
Mercedes' energy-reflective overcoat. While the idea of the action
hero (here heroine) backed up by a remote techie hacker is not new,
Jen uses it to good effect. The nature of the relationship between
Mercedes, the hot-headed muscle of this duo, and Morgan, the cool
mistress of tech, plays nicely. Clearly much has gone on before
between these two. I was puzzled by Jen's decision to start this
chapter in Morgan's point of view and then switch to Mercedes. It
would have taken a narrative tour de force to have stayed in Morgan's
POV and I was quite psyched to see if she could pull it off. When Jen
switched to the more natural POV of Mercedes, I experienced a brief
letdown -- not necessarily a good thing in the middle of
pulse-pounding action.
Speaking of pulse-pounding, I did stumble over some action clichs.
Lines like "Suddenly a shot rang out" and "His eyes lit up with
sadistic glee" and "Mercedes dropped to her knees and spun about in
time to see the first attacker's head explode like a ripe melon"
undermine what is otherwise vivid writing. Similarly, never have a
torture victim cry, "No please, not that," or have a criminal
mastermind give the order to his henchmen, "Get her, you fools." I
also thought that the initial description of Jerome Winslow, who
accompanies Mercedes on the raid, was dangerously close to stereotype.
"He was attractive in that rugged macho sort of way, looking as if he
should be sporting a day's growth of beard on his square chin and
puffing on a large cigar dangling out of the corner of his mouth. The
man squared his broad shoulders before Mercedes glanced back and
prepared to open the door." This was particularly noticeable because
the characterization of the women in this chapter was so deft. I'm
hoping that this description is a place holder for a much more
original passage that will appear in a subsequent draft.
I do want to say a few words about the art of neologisms. Clearly in
the future there will be all kinds of stuff that doesn't exist now and
people of that future will have convenient names for that stuff. SF
writers must develop the skill of making up the language of their
futures that is at once believable and transparent to the reader. I'm
afraid I didn't find the neologism "invisio-suit" all that believable.
Same for "hyper screen." On the other hand I had no problem with
"infra scan" or "chiphead." This is largely a matter of developing an
ear, but keep in mind that superlatives in current use like "hyper"
will date quickly and that nobody is going to say five syllables --
"invisio-suit" -- when two or three will do, for instance
"clear-suit" or "camo."
I want to elaborate on Jen's notion of heroic writing versus realistic
writing. As I said earlier, this is a valid distinction. I don't
mind at all when Indiana Jones gets dragged for a couple of miles
behind a car and then pulls himself up and kicks Nazi ass (Did that
actually happen or am I fantasizing?). And when Jen writes that
Mercedes
"...was relieved he (Winslow) had been hit in the left shoulder and
right leg. The hits had passed through to the other side. He would be
in some pain, but Winslow should recover after a few days' rest."
I can accept that, even though if _I_ had sustained such wounds, you
can bet I wouldn't be back at the keyboard after a few days -- or even
a few weeks! But the danger of this stylized action writing is that
it can become a cartoon in which the heroes tend to be too good (James
Bond) and the bad guys tend to be too bad (Goldfinger). Here we find
the baddie Hinson practically chewing the scenery. All the characters
here could use a tad more emotional shading, so that Hinson is maybe a
little more afraid or cold-blooded or something and Mercedes has a
disquieting thrill of enjoyment when she blows away the guards.
Let me finish with a compliment. I criticized Jen's initial
description of Winslow, so let me applaud her witty description of his
gun:
"So are we ready then?" Winslow asked as he prepared his sidearm, an
impressive large caliber accelerator Dragon X25. The weapon was only
legal on a handful of planets. This wasn't one of them."
Fun chapter, Jen. Press on!
--James Patrick Kelly
Author of STRANGE BUT NOT A STRANGER and THINK LIKE A DINOSAUR
http://www.jimkelly.net
Editor's Choice, Short Story: "The Girl With the Sun in Her Head" by
Jeremy Tolbert
This is a sharp, odd, satisfying fairy tale which reminds me of some of Joan
Aiken's stories. There's a touch of George MacDonald in here too, and Guy de
Maupassant: a girl in a seaside town uses penny chalk to draw the sun
obsessively, and runs away from imaginary monsters. The story is grounded by
excellent use of details: a mother who was stolen up the chimney by
roof-bandits; a brother's prostitute-girlfriend whose "skin seems
permanently colored by the red glare of the lantern that hangs from her
window"; a rather eldritch man who has a maze tattooed on his hand, and a
voice like "the taste of grapes, wet and tart, the consonants like small
pops." At the end, however, something seems to be missing.
At the moment, the story is full of first-draft typos, missing words,
and confusions of tense, but these are easy enough to find and fix.
The most important thing to consider is whether the story can be given
a bit more weight. In a story in which someone runs away, it's
important to consider what they're running away from. There are two
basic ways to handle a plot where someone's fate demands that they go
on a very long journey. One is to make their home life and hometown as
unappealing as possible. The other is to show how much they'll miss
their home, once they've had to leave it. This is probably the
stronger of the two techniques, but best of all is to show both of
these aspects. In this story, Emelia's monsters are imaginary, and the
unhappiness of her home life are caused by her stolen mother and her
father who won't speak to her. Her father, by the way, is determined
not to lose his children too. Maybe it's possible to do something more
with that tension at the end, when he loses Emelia. I'd love to get
more at the end -- see that Emelia's absence has affected everyone,
not just her brother Negro. Just a few sentences that touch on each of
the characters again, and tell us that something has changed for them,
too: the old woman who sells chalk, the banker who chased Emelia away
from his wall, Emelia's father, and maybe, near the end, a warning to
children to run when they see the ambiguous figure of the man in the
green hat. It would also be good to show Emelia's delight in how fast
she can run, and not just how tired she is when she stops.
Some small suggestions:
Don't tell us that Emelia lives in "a foreign city." Foreign probably
isn't the right word, or shift in perspective -- you want to draw the
reader in, not put the reader at an immediate distance.
In the first paragraph, perhaps it should be "little old lady" rather
than "ladies," since it's one rather specific old lady in the story.
Later on, Emelia runs through "the green grass park." It can be more
effective to be more specific, give the park a name, and use something
like "the green grass of _____ park."
"The nicer neighborhoods wash the walls every morning" feels lazy --
the neighborhoods don't wash themselves. The owners of houses pay
people to wash them -- that's a detail that you can use. Do they hire
the same children who draw on the walls? And it isn't immediately
apparent that Emelia is drawing on the walls in the expensive
neighborhood -- make that clear.
The first part of the description of Emelia's sun drawings -- perfect
circles with rays shooting out sounds a bit too ordinary and
childlike. I would at least cut "varying the distance from the center
slightly for each beam." And the sentence "It was the smile of
knowing, a smile that said to everyone that a secret mystery was held
within by the wearer" is awkwardly constructed. Something like "It was
a knowing smile, a smile that said the wearer held a secret mystery
within" is better. I would cut the second half of the sentence that
begins "When she finishes, the chalk is little more than a nub."
When the man in the green hat says that he knows "about such things,"
Emelia "admitted that she did somehow." Is this just a typo or is
something missing?
You might add a bit to the section when the old woman gives Emelia a
stick of green chalk. Perhaps she could warn Emelia about the man with
the green hat? And when the banker scolds Emelia and breaks her chalk,
she sits and cries for an awfully long time -- probably too long.
Either he should come out and chase her away, or else you could tell
us more about her father's debts -- maybe here is where you can put
together Emelia's fantasies and her real life, and have her imagine
that the banker will make her father sell her. Maybe the banker could
even try to cheer her up, and tell her how pretty she is, and ask who
her parents are -- that might be even more terrifying than his bad
temper. Earlier on, it would make the story richer if Blanco's
girlfriend Consuela attempts to win Emelia over, maybe gives her chalk
of the wrong color, or tells her that she, too, used to draw on the
walls of the city. By tying these strands of the story together just a
bit more, you can suggest what kind of life Emelia might have when she
grows up, and make her decision to chase the sun more attractive. But
don't overdo it. Let it be an undercurrent in the story, and not a
driving plot point.
When the man in the green hat tells her that something will always be
chasing her, maybe you could simplify it -- make it: "wherever you
run, little miss, something will pursue you, even if it's only ghosts
of memory."
When Emelia's brother "Negro weeps when she does not come home," I
would strongly suggest cutting the second half of that sentence: "but
even he knows that it is for the best." Don't make things too obvious
for either Negro or the reader -- whether or not it's for the best
isn't important. What's important and should be stressed is that her
brother misses her. I'd also cut "Negro smiles at this" -- again, you
don't need to give us a comfortable ending. Just tell us that he gives
her things to the needy children. Again, it would be nice if you
brought back other characters at the end: the old woman, Emelia's
other brother Blanco and his girlfriend, her father, and the wonderful
man in the green hat.
--Kelly Link
Editor of TRAMPOLINE, available from Small Beer Press
http://www.kellylink.net/
Editor's Choice, Horror: "Samhain's Veil" by Kerri-Leigh Grady
My favorite part of this story is the penultimate scene, in
which you do a great job of using taste, smell, and touch to create a vivid,
evocative experience. The wine, the bread, and particularly the pomegranate
seeds bring this scene to life and put me into it along with the character.
You have some similar strong moments of description throughout the story. I
think the story has some weaknesses, though, in style, point of view, and
character, that prevent this from having the powerful impact you want. To
discuss style, I'm going to use your first few paragraphs as an example,
because they have certain characteristics that I see throughout.
There is some awkwardness in the writing. Several times you try to
combine multiple ideas into one sentence. A sentence should be one idea. It
may be a simple or complex idea, but it should be only one. This gives each
sentence unity and power. In para. 1, you write:
"The women gathered under the waning moon, billowing cloaks offering
protection from the cold night breeze, fire casting wicked shadows in the
ankle-deep grass, the sound of calm waves lapping the nearby shore."
The sentence reads like a catch-all for various pieces of description you
want to give. It lacks unity and focus. The focus starts on the women,
and stays there with the cloaks. But then it shifts to the fire and grass,
and to the waves. There are really three different ideas here: describing
the women, describing the fire, describing the waves. Unless you can find a
way to unify all these things into one idea, you need to put them in more
than one sentence. For example, you might connect the warmth of the fire
with the warmth from the cloaks, but that seems overly complicated for no
good payoff. My suggestion would be to separate this into three sentences.
There is a further problem in that, aside from describing different things,
the sentence also evokes different emotions. "Billowing cloaks" suggests the
breeze is getting under them, thus not keeping the women warm -- an
unpleasant sensation. Then you say the cloaks do offer "protection" -- a
pleasant, comforting sensation. "Wicked shadows" again suggests something
negative and threatening. Yet "calm waves lapping" sounds positive and
peaceful. So I end the sentence with no clear idea of what you're trying to
convey. While the revision below is nothing great, I've attempted here to
focus each sentence on a single idea, and to have the entire description
create a more consistent emotion/atmosphere.
"The women gathered under the waning moon, billowing cloaks offering little
protection from the cold sea breeze. A bonfire cast their long shadows
across the grass. Those shifting, phantom shapes seemed to speak with the
susurration of the sea. [A bonfire cast across the grass their long shadows,
shifting, phantom shapes that seemed to speak with the susurration of the
sea.]"
Each sentence is more unified now. The first sentence focuses on the women,
the second on the fire, and the third on the shadows. Also, all of the
descriptions work toward creating a negative feeling--creepy, cold,
uncomfortable. Further, instead of just letting each sentence describe
something separate, I've tried to connect them in some way, so that the
reader is carried from one sentence to the next. I've tied the cloaks and
the fire to the shadows, and the shadows to the idea of phantoms, which
reflects the women's grieving and foreshadows the plot.
Sometimes the style generates unnecessary confusion. For example, the
opening we just discussed creates an image of the women on grassy land just
beyond the beach. Then you say they are in an "enclosure." But I don't
think that's what you mean, since it contradicts the description you just
gave. I think you are calling their circle an enclosure, to convey the idea
that it's magically separated, but that's not the right word. The reader is
still trying to figure out what's going on at this point, and so will read
the word with its normal meaning and become confused. So the word choices
are sometimes a bit off.
Something similar occurs in para. 3:
"As she flung small packets with whispered pleas into the flames, the air
shivered and lightened until she felt as if gravity might lose out, casting
her into the sky. She stood and turned to the others, holding the earth to
her feet and the parted shroud to her back."
"The air shivered and lightened" is nice description. And when you say "she
felt as if gravity might lose out," I understand that two forces are at war,
gravity and something unknown, and gravity may lose. The problem is that
the last part of the sentence doesn't go with this. If gravity loses, then
the other force (the one that wins) will pull her into the sky. Gravity
isn't going to cast her anywhere, since it is the inferior force. So again
your word choice is off, and this creates confusion about what's happening.
The next sentence confuses me further. How is she "holding the earth to her
feet"? I don't know that she has this power. If she does, then why wasn't
she using it in the previous sentence, and wouldn't the conflict then better
be described, "she felt as if she and gravity might lose out"? I feel quite
lost at this point, not understanding what's happening, why it's happening,
or what the woman wants. I also don't know what to make of the shroud,
which seems to appear out of nowhere. I don't know if you mean this to be
another word for cape, or if it's something else. I also don't know why
it's parted. In all of this confusion, I lose your main point, which is
that this woman is mourning for someone and pleading to some power about her
lost loved one. I didn't understand this until much later.
Another area I think could be strengthened is point of view. You take an
extremely distant POV right now. It gets a little less distant as the story
goes on, but it still remains quite distant throughout. This makes it very
hard for me to care about what's going on in the story, and I don't think it
really buys you anything. I think the story would have a much stronger
emotional punch if you told it in a close, limited third-person POV, telling
us everything from Adria's head.
One other issue I want to raise is that Adria's motivations are not
strong, clear, or convincing. Several times you describe her losing her
will or doing things without knowing why. This makes it feel as if Adria is
the author's puppet, rather than acting on her own desires. I understand
that other forces are involved, but you need to make very clear what Adria
wants, and the reader needs to feel her struggling to achieve it, even if at
times she's overwhelmed by another force. As John Gardner said so
eloquently, "No fiction can have real interest if the central character is
not an agent struggling for his or her own goals but a victim, subject to
the will of others." With this other force turning Adria into a victim, and
the distant POV preventing us from learning about Adria's desires and
struggles, Adria ends up feeling like a puppet, and it's hard to care about
her. The story basically takes her and puts her through this series of
events, and she isn't very active in that.
If you can strengthen these weak areas, I think the story, with its
evocative description, will have a much more powerful emotional impact. I
hope my comments are helpful.
--Jeanne Cavelos
http://www.odysseyworkshop.org/
| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop recognizes members who
have given useful, insightful reviews. After all, that's what makes
the workshop go, so we want to give great reviewers a little
well-earned recognition!
If you got a really useful review and would like to add the reviewer
to the Reviewer Honor Roll, just use our online honor-roll nomination
form -- log in and link to it from the bottom of the Reviewer Honor
Roll page at http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml.
Your nomination will appear on the first day of the next calendar
month.
The Honor Roll will show all Sept nominations beginning Oct 1.
Here are some advance highlights from the September honor roll:
Reviewer: kit davis
Submission: The Epic of Golden Egg, Chapter 3 - Substantial Revision by
Maria Tatham
Submitted by: Maria Tatham
Nominator's Comments: Kit's review helped me see problems with the logic of
the story parts. He repeated some advice from an earlier crit, suggesting I
need to give the reader more, not rush through the chapter.
Reviewer: John Hoddy (PA)
Submission: Grasses-in-the-Wind Ch. 5 (Revision) C4C by Ian Morrison
Submitted by: Ian Morrison
Nominator's Comments: A great, great review. Went right to the weakness in
my mechanics and offered excellent examples of how to fix them. Took the
time to carefully and thoroughly point out problems in sentence structure
and what I might do to improve. This is a review that will enable me to
make a big improvement in my writing.
Reviewers nominated to the honor roll during August include (in no
particular order and excluding notation of multiple nominations): Juliet
Nordeen, Greg Byrne, Linda Dicmanis, PJ Thompson, Steven Boomer, Brenda
Guest, Cat Collins, Gene Spears, William Monahan, Jon Paradise, Kevin
Miller, Hank Jones, Kathleen Seligman, Shawna Kennedy, Ian Morrison, Matthew
Ball, Rabia Gale, Lawrence Payne, Bob Keller, Mike Farrell, Dale Tjarks,
Kevin Kibelstis, Leah Bobet, Glen Dodge, Elizabeth Bear, Tony Valiulis,
Charles Cooper, Celeste Masinter, Laura Waesche, Walter Williams, Michael
Goodwin, Rick Dwyer, Elizabeth Hull, Lizzie Newell, Mark Malcolm.
We congratulate them all for their excellent reviews. All nominations
received in July can be still found until October 1 at:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml
| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
We can't announce them if you don't let us know! So drop Charlie a
line at support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com whenever you have good
news to share.
Published recently: the annual YEAR'S BEST SCIENCE FICTION, Vol. 20,
edited by Gardner Dozois, and YEAR'S BEST FANTASY & HORROR, Vol. 16,
edited by Terri Windling and Ellen Datlow, for stories published in
2002. These volumes are also published in the UK under the Mammoth
line of titles. In addition to stories and honorable mentions by
workshop resident editors and guest editors like Kelly Link, Nalo
Hopkinson, James Patrick Kelly, and Gary A. Braunbeck, and "The
Political Officer" in YBSF by member/admin Charles Coleman Finlay,
there are honorable mentions (which represent maybe 10% of the stories
published last year) by several former and current workshop members.
From the YBSF:
Nigel Atkinson, "An Exhalation of Butterflies"
Jennifer de Guzman, "Counterpoint"
Charles Coleman Finlay, "A Democracy of Trolls," "The Frontier Archipelago,"
"We Come Not to Praise Washington"
Ruth Nestvold, "Princes and Priscilla"
Benjamin Rosenbaum, "Droplet," "On the Cliff by the River"
Karin Lowachee didn't make the ToC or the honorable mentions list (she
didn't publish any short fiction in 2002), but was mentioned by name in the
Year in Summary.
From The YBFH:
James Allison, "Confounding Mr. Newton"
Siobhan Carroll, "Mrs. Wolf"
Charles Coleman Finlay, "A Democracy of Trolls," "Fading Quayle,
Dancing Quayle"
Pam McNew, "The Gardener" (poem)
Meredith L. Patterson, "Principles and Parameters"
Nancy Proctor, "Mr. Neblin's Boy"
Benjamin Rosenbaum, "The Orange"
Amber Van Dyk, "Scatter Heart," "Sleeping, Waking, Nightfall,"
"The Queen of Hearts"
Please correct us if we've missed anyone! This is a big jump forward
for workshop members as a whole compared to the 2001 volumes.
Congratulations to everyone who is finishing stories, submitting them,
and making sales!
Sales and Publications:
Nigel Atkinson informs us that the NIGHT LANDS anthology from Wildside
Press which includes his stories "An Exhalation of Butterflies" and
his novella "A Mouse in the Walls of the Lesser Redoubt" is now on
Amazon. "It isn't actually published until December 1st -- making it
an ideal Chrismas present!"
Gregory Banks's story "Escape Velocity," which was workshopped at OWW
in January and early February of this year, appears in the first issue
of _Creative Brother's Sci Fi Magazine_
(http://www.lulu.com/content/14322). Gregory says: "I'm very excited
and honored to be in the first issue of this magazine, and I'd like to
especially thank workshop members Christopher Oatis, Lisa Garwood, and
Diana Cacy Hawkins for their wonderful reviews."
Elizabeth Bear sold her flash story "Formidable Terrain" to _H. P.
Lovecraft's Magazine of Horror_.
Charles Coleman Finlay sold "The Ill-Fated Crusade" to _Paradox_.
"This story didn't work at all in the first draft. Or the second. Only
slightly in the third. Thanks to everyone who kept poking holes in it
until I got it right."
While she hasn't mentioned it to us herself, we hear a rumor that Nora
Fleischer sold a story to IN THE OUTPOSTS OF BEYOND.
Derek R. Molata had another great month. He sold "Devine Reflux" to
_Alien Skin Magazine_ (http://www.alienskinmag.com) for their October
2003 issue. He tells us: "I originally sold this to another 'zine but
they went belly up, so I sent it out again and it landed at _Alien
Skin_. Thanks to everyone on the OWW who made this one work, and who
I thanked the last time around." His story "Tanked" appears in the
September issue of _Alien Skin_. And he sold his poem "Of Lilies and
Cemetery Lanes" to _Naked Snake Press_
(http://www.nakedsnakepress.com) for their December 2003 issue.
Ruth Nestvold got her name on the cover of the September issue of
_Asimov's_ for her story "Looking Through Lace." And we hear through
the grapevine (well, okay, we read it on the Rumor Mill) that she sold
another story last month, "Wooing Ai Kyarem," to _Andromeda Spaceways
Inflight Magazine_ (http://www.andromedaspaceways.com/).
Sharon Partington has a short story in the September issue of
_Aphelion_
(http://www.aphelion-webzine.com/shorts/2003/09/TheSpiritStone.htm).
Sarah Prineas's 500-word snippet won first honorable mention (fourth
place) in Ralan's Grabber contest (http://www.ralan.com). The judges
included Candas Jane Dorsey, Brian A. Aldiss, Rob Kilheffer, and Lucy
Sussex. The winners of the contest get a hundred bucks and
publication in Ralan's new online magazine, _The Specstravaganza_.
Marsha! Marsha! Marsha! Marsha Sisolak joins a growing number of
members who are so blase about getting published that they can't even
be bothered to send a note to us anymore about their most recent
publications. Nevertheless we direct you to the latest issue of
_Andromeda Spaceways Inflight Magazine_
(http://www.andromedaspaceways.com/) where you can read her humorous
deal with the devil story, "Nine-Tenths."
M. Thomas's short story "Beguiling Mona" recently appeared in _Strange
Horizons_ (http://www.strangehorizons.com/). She reminds us that it
was "Workshopped here!"
First sale! Lisa von Biela sold "Chain Reaction" to _Alien Skin
Magazine_ (http://www.alienskinmag.com) for publication in their
December 2003 issue. She tells us: "This marks my first paying
acceptance. And, naturally, the story was workshopped here first.
Thank you, critters!"
First publication! Wade White's story "See Jack Run: An Intergalactic
Primer" is up at Strange Horizons (http://www.strangehorizons.com/)
"This is the first time I get to see my name in print! (Well, pixels
anyway)."
Breaking boundaries. Jeremy Yoder's short story "Bubble, Bubble, Toil
and Trouble" is going to be published in an mystery/crime genre
anthology this December entitled WHO DIED IN HERE? He tells us:
"Although it's not SF/F and therefore not workshopped, OWW-SFF has
helped my writing in many ways, so I wanted to share. Payment is $25,
a copy of the book, and an air freshener. (If you check out
http://www.penurypress.com you'll see why.)"
| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Number of members as of 9/20: 677 paying, 126 trial
Number of submissions currently online: 719
Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 71.1%
Percent of submissions with zero reviews: 3.9%
Number of submissions in August: 529
Number of reviews in August: 2391
Ratio of reviews/submissions in August: 4.52
Estimated average word count per review in August: 696.2 (Wow!)
Number of submissions in Sept to date: 344
Number of reviews in Sept to date: 1420
Ratio of reviews/submissions in Sept to date: 4.13
Estimated average word count per review in Sept to date: 743.2 (WOW!)
Total number of under-reviewed submissions: 89 (12.4% of total subs)
Number over 3 days old with 0 reviews: 6
Number over 1 week old with under 2 reviews: 45
Number over 2 weeks old with under 3 reviews: 38
Statistics notes: The average length of review hit a record high in
August and has climbed even higher, above 700 words, for the first
time in September. At the same time, the average number of reviews has
taken a sharp decline with the average so far for September the lowest
it has been since March 2002! Under-reviewed submissions have also
doubled in the past month. Yikes!
| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
TIPS APPRECIATED
Got a helpful tip for your fellow members? A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission? Share it with us and we'll publish it in the next
newsletter. Just send it to support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com and
we'll do the rest.
Until next month -- Just write!
The Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
| - - Copyright 2003 Online Writing Workshops, LLC - - - - - - - - -|