THE WORKSHOP NEWSLETTER

O | The Online Writing Workshop for SF, F & H Newsletter, November 2003
W | http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!

| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

- Workshop News:
    The next big thing
    All about community
    Odyssey workshop 2004
    Plotters' Writing Group
    Workshop focus chats
    "Submit or die" challenge winners!
    November writing challenge
    Market information
    Membership payment information
- Editors' Choices for September submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics


| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |


THE NEXT BIG THING

Here at OWW, we don't wonder if another member is going to sell his or
her first novel, we just wonder when, and who it's going to be.

This month Elizabeth Bear answered that question for us in a big way
by signing a three-book deal with Bantam Spectra for HAMMERED,
SCARDOWN, and WORLDWIRED. Spectra is buying hardcover, trade, and mass
market rights, with HAMMERED scheduled for publication in Spring 2005,
and the other two books following at nine-month intervals.

Elizabeth is proof that hard work and perseverance make a difference.
Since joining the workshop, she's contributed over 700 reviews and
workshopped numerous complete novels while she developed and improved
her skills. Although she's won two Editor's Choice awards and one
runner-up, none were for the novels she just sold, which shows that
it's often more about the general skills you learn than it is about
fixing specific submissions.

She writes: "I owe a big, huge thank you to Kathryn Allen, Rhonda
Garcia, Jaime Voss, Chris Coen, Ilona Gordon, Jean Seok, Derek R.
Molata, Tara Devine, Chelsea Polk, Larry West, Stella Evans, M.D.,
Sperry, Leah Bobet, Dena Landon, Kelly Morisseau, Karin Lowachee, Jim
Stevens-Arce, Meredith L. Patterson, Anne Hope, Ian Tregillis, and
John Borneman."

Congratulations, Elizabeth! This is just the beginning for you.


ALL ABOUT COMMUNITY

In a similar vein to Elizabeth's thank you, we also received a nice
note this month from member Leah Bobet, who sold two flash pieces,
"Boxing Day" and "Scars," to the new pro-paying market _H. P.
Lovecraft's Magazine of Horror_.  Leah wrote: "I'd like to send out
some special thanks to everyone who pushed me to actually submit
'Boxing Day' to markets, because I never would have without that
pushing. And if it'll help as a note of encouragement to others, this
was the fifteenth market 'Scars' had been out to; persistence pays off
sometimes."

Do you have other workshop members to thank for encouragement they've
provided, for helping you get past rejections, or just improving your
stories?  Don't forget to mention them when you e-mail us with your
sales and successes, and remember to nominate deserving reviewers to
the Honor Roll!


ODYSSEY WRITING WORKSHOP 2004

Odyssey is a highly respected creative writing workshop for science
fiction, fantasy, and horror authors.  It was founded nine years ago
to provide up-and-coming genre writers the guidance and support
necessary to become professionals, and it has quickly become one of
the premier genre workshops in the country.  Forty percent of
Odyssey's graduates have gone on to be published, a staggering
statistic for a creative writing workshop.  Odyssey's director is none
other than our horror reviewer: editor, author, and teacher Jeanne
Cavelos. Odyssey's special writer-in-residence for 2004 is George R.
R. Martin, with guest lecturers like award-winning authors Catherine
Asaro, Ellen Kushner, Delia Sherman, and Barry B. Longyear, bestseller
Bob Mayer, and award-winning editor/writer Gardner Dozois.

Those interested in receiving further information and an application
should visit the Odyssey Web site at http://www.odysseyworkshop.org, or
send a self-addressed stamped envelope to Odyssey, 20 Levesque Lane,
Box G, Mont Vernon, NH 03057. The Web site includes information about
expenses and scholarships.


PLOTTERS' WRITING GROUP

Member Wendy Delmater tells us that she and other workshoppers have
formed the Plotters' Writing Group. She says: "This novel writing
group was born of the frustration of being surrounded by 'organic
writers.' We plotters are unique, because our brains are wired
slightly differently. We can't imagine not plotting the whole thing
out in advance. Join us on a quest to identify and provide the dietary
trace minerals that Plotters thrive on." If you think this sounds like
you, e-mail Wendy at (wdelmater(at)usa(dot)net) for an invitation to
join the group!


WORKSHOP FOCUS CHATS

Mark your calendars for the following upcoming writing chat:

Focus on . . . Celia Marsh!
Wednesday, December 3, 2003 @ a time TBA

Yes, that's right, the schedule is wide open!  If you've been waiting
to schedule your chat, now's the time!  Ditto if you were a focusee a
while back and are ready for another go.  Just e-mail Pen Hardy. The
stories upon which we will focus are posted on the OWW with the word
'focus' in the title.  All chats are held in the DROWWZoo chat room on
AIM.


"SUBMIT OR DIE" CHALLENGE -- WE HAVE WINNERS!

Jaime Voss, who put up some of the prizes for the Submit or Die
Challenge way back when, tells us they've been awarded! Hannah Bowen
won for the first fiction sale and Stella Evans won for the first
poetry sale.  They both have their prizes and are very happy.  The
original rules and prizes are posted at:
http://www.thermeon.net/checkered/SOD.html


NOVEMBER WRITING CHALLENGE

And Celia Marsh, the Challenge Dictator, said "Let there be Lights!"

It's another holiday theme.  Holiday lights, festival of lights,
acolytes, solstice, whatever. Have fun. As always, any genre you want,
but remember to push yourself.  Write something you'd never try
otherwise, or if that's too scary, try a different sub-genre -- urban
fantasy instead of high fantasy, space opera instead of hard SF.

Participating in the monthly challenges is an excellent way to stretch
your skills and try things that you usually wouldn't tackle. Pick a
genre you usually don't write in, or a subject that challenges you. Do
something daring; these pieces are for fun, so don't worry about them.
If it fails, no one ever needs to know about it, but a lot of these
pieces succeed. Challenging yourself, truly trying something that
scares you but speaks to you, may pay off in ways you can't expect.
Over 30 challenge stories have gone on to publication.

For more complete information on the monthly writing challenges,
visit: http://www.thermeon.net/checkered/Challenge.html


MARKET INFORMATION

_Strange Horizons_, the magazine that has published more new writers
over the past three years than any other in the field, has changed its
approach to fund drives.  Go read about it
(http://www.strangehorizons.com) and think about contributing, so that
you can continue to read their excellent fiction, poetry, and
articles.

Member Lisa Swanstrom and a friend have started a non-paying online
literary journal _Sunspinner_ (http://www.sunspinner.org).  Although
the journal is not genre-specific, she says they would be interested
in reading high quality literary science fiction and fantasy.

Jennifer Michaels, Senior Editor for _Flash Me Magazine_, a quarterly
online 'zine, wants fiction from any genre as long as the stories are
under 1,000 words long.  Visit them at: http://flash.to/flashme

Correction from last month: the Australian science fiction anthology
SUPERLUMINAL 1, edited by Nigel Read, will be paying a half a cent per
word, not one cent, plus a contributor's copy. Complete guidelines can
be found at: http://www.users.bigpond.com/saxonblue2003/superluminal1/


MEMBERSHIP PAYMENT INFORMATION

How to pay: In the U.S., you can pay by PayPal or send us a check or
money order. Outside of the U.S., you can pay via PayPal (though
international memberships incur a small set-up fee); pay via Kagi
(www.kagi.com--easier for non-U.S. people); send us a check in U.S.
dollars drawn on a U.S. bank (many banks can do this for you for a
fee); or send us an international money order (available at some banks
and some post offices).  If none of those options work for you, you
can send us U.S. dollars through the mail if you choose, or contact us
about barter if you have interesting goods to barter (not services).

Scholarship fund and gift memberships: you can give a gift membership
for another member; just send us a payment by whatever method you
like, noting who the membership is for and specifying whether the gift
is anonymous or not.  We will acknowledge receipt to you and the
member.  Or you can donate to our scholarship fund, which we use to
fully or partially cover the costs of an initial paying membership for
certain active, review-contributing members whose situations do not
allow them to pay the full membership fee themselves.

Bonus payments: The workshop costs only 94 cents per week, but we know
that many members feel that it's worth much more to them.  So here's
your chance to award us with a bonus on top of your membership fee.
For example, is the workshop worth five dollars a month to you? Award
us a $11 bonus along with your $49 membership fee. 25% of any bonus
payments we receive will go to our support staff, sort of like a tip
for good personal service. The rest will be tucked away to lengthen
the shoestring that is our budget and keep us running!

For more information:
Payments: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships.shtml
Bonus payments and information about our company:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/bonuspayments.shtml
Price comparisons:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships_comparison.shtml


| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

The Editors' Choices are chosen from the submissions from the previous
month that show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of
our Resident Editors.  Submissions in four categories -- SF, F, horror,
and short stories -- receive a detailed review, meant to be educational
for others as well as the author.

Reviews are written by our Resident Editors, award-winning authors and
instructors like Jeanne Cavelos, James Patrick Kelly, and Kelly Link,
and by experienced science-fiction and fantasy editor Jenni
Smith-Gaynor. The last four months of Editors' Choices and their
editorial reviews are archived on the workshop.  Go to the "Read,
Rate, Review" page and click on "Editors' Choices."

Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors!

Editor's Choice, Fantasy Chapter/Partial Chapter:
REALM 5 by Ilona Gordon

Ilona Gordon's REALM, chapter 5, is a great example of character
development. There are two very different characters, good action, and
intriguing subterfuge at work without losing the plot thread to a
laundry list. Nice tension, good environmental description, and solid
pacing help flesh out the characters. What I liked the best about this
chapter was the balance between exposition, background information,
description, and dialogue. Ms. Gordon left a note how she had almost
given up on REALM. I hope she has not, because this is very promising.

Some copy-editing would help tighten it up, but this was very solid.
Because I had not read the previous four chapters, I expected to be
slightly lost in the story, especially since this is a novel with
spies, but Gordon does a good job of filling in background information
with concise exposition. Good details, nice descriptions, and great
character voices all convey a sense of time and place.

There were some missing details that could easily be added. At the
beginning of the chapter, a lot of attention is paid to Cerise's true
appearance, but those details are never again mentioned. I am not
advocating a laundry list, but facial descriptions, the smell of wet
leather, or the texture of wool can help create an inspiring scene.
Gordon does a great job of including other details throughout this
chapter with Spartan attention, so adding in a few phrases or a
description here and there of the two main characters would help
ground the reader's sensory vision of the scene. Facial expressions,
body language, and physical descriptions throughout the chapter are
ways to fine tune the exposition and really flesh it out.

Cerise is portrayed in this chapter as Arador's guide. We discover
that she is the head of her family; Arador suspects she has been
educated and practices a highly disciplined fighting technique, the
komungumi. Since this seems to be a unique trait for a swamp dweller
to have, I would like to know more about it -- what makes it so
special, why is it unusual for Cerise to know it? These kinds of
details can be revealed bit by bit as we learn more about Cerise;
Arador seems to know a bit about it, so he can show the reader
information about the technique, which may also help to reveal
Cerise's background and personality.

We were told that Cerise was also annoyed by her "customer", yet we
don't really see any sign of this other than her reticence to talk
about her family troubles at the beginning of the chapter. Then,
later, Arador skillfully manipulates her into inviting him back to her
home. I don't get a good sense of what she's thinking since the only
interior look we have of her point of view was limited to the eel
attack scene. She does not show very much emotion about Arador beyond
the earlier and brief admission of annoyance. Arador's character is
much more detailed -- I can hear a voice behind the words and phrases
used to describe him -- but Cerise is lacking these details in this
chapter. One technique would be to reveal more of her inner dialogue
-- as Arador's thoughts are sometimes illuminated -- during her point
of view sections. The other would be to use Arador as the reader's
guide in viewing Cerise.  His character is able to read and judge
people, so we can see more of Cerise's character through his filter.

All in all, this was a very good chapter full of action, subterfuge,
character, and plot development. Nice solid writing and comfortable
pacing kept my attention. The two characters in this chapter intrigued
me and their stories are being revealed in a way that makes me want to
keep reading, which is always a good sign. I do hope Ms. Gordon
continues with this story because it's a terrific piece of work.

--Jenni Smith-Gaynor
Former editor, Del Rey Books


Editor's Choice, SF Chapter/Partial Chapter:
THE LURE OF SPACE - CHAPTER 9 by Pamela OBrien

Note to the squeamish: we're about to talk about a chapter filled with
explicit sex.

Ah, the sex scene.

Writing well about sex in a book whose main focus in not erotic is
difficult, since staging a sex scene can provoke certain -- how shall
we put this? -- extra-literary responses.  Now you should understand
that as a young lad I never paged through books in a frantic search
for the naughty bits, but I understand that some of the other boys
did.

When it comes time in a novel for characters to have sex, the author
needs to ask herself two important questions:  how much am I going to
show, and why am I showing?  How much to show is a matter of narrative
tactics; why show at all is a matter of literary strategy.  In Chapter
9 of THE LURE OF SPACE, I think that Pamela OBrien has done an
admirable job for the most part in answering these questions.

How much does she show?  Pretty much everything.   Both partners have
orgasms (thank goodness not simultaneously!) on the page; the
luminescent synthetic Darienn reaches her climax "in a flash of light
that left a brilliant afterimage behind even his second eyelid."
This spectacular special effect works here, although I wonder if there
were more sex in this book whether it might begin to seem a little
over the top.

The prisoner Hauser's climax is more mundane but Pamela offers a very
pretty image just before it occurs.  "The rhythm began to unfold,
became a winged shape pulsing its way up through his body."  In fact,
there are many lyrically sensual images here:  "She leaned forward,
and put her forehead against his" and "She turned suddenly, gliding up
onto her knees like a snake instead of something with bones, and slid
into his lap." (Although, snakes do have bones, Pamela.  And "Trailing
his fingers down the long line of her throat, he watched her eyes
glaze." Finally "The round curve of her cheek told him that she was
smiling."

Elsewhere the prose is less deft:  "Aroused unbearably by the smell
and taste of her, Hauser growled low in his throat and pushed her onto
her back."  "He didn't try to restrain the rumble of pleasure that
vibrated up from (his?) chest." "His senses had drowned in her." But
it never becomes mawkish.

For me, the highlight of this chapter isn't the consummation, but the
foreplay leading up to it, because here the reader learns why he is
being shown this sexual encounter.  I particularly liked the delicate
negotiations these two people conduct -- even as they're making out!

First Darienn makes it clear that what she wants is not having sex or
fucking but making love and all that entails.  Later Hauser warns her
that he is damaged goods and that having unprotected sex might result
in her contracting a gene-linked disease.  Special kudos to Pamela for
inhabiting the point of view of a character of the opposite sex during
this most intimate passage.  Speaking as a person of the XY
persuasion, I found Hauser's reactions during this scene to be spot
on.  When he watches her recline naked on the bed and thinks "Never
seen a woman so comfortable in her own skin" I was right there with
him.  And when he thinks of her as his "sweet fish" and a paragraph
later thinks "I've never fucked a synthetic. Maybe no one has. If you
can toss Big Pig with one hand when you're pissed off, who knows what
you might do when you're excited?"  I am convinced that Pamela knows a
thing or two about the contradictions of male sexuality.

And how deliciously strange these two characters are!  Aside from the
fact that Darienn goes off like a flashbulb when she gets really
excited, there is the matter of some truly disquieting sexual tastes.
For example:

    He touched a half-healed wound behind her ear gently.

    "You're hurt."

    "I tore a socket in the crash."

     Lost in the smell of her blood, he stroked the puckered skin around
     the hole. Finally, shaking, unable to stop himself, he leaned into
     her and licked the wound.

     He pulled back, sure she'd fight him, half-imagining that she'd
     pushed him away. Instead she drew her fingers over his mouth,
     dragging down his lower lip and stroking the wet inner flesh
     there. Holding his eyes with that phosphorescent gaze, she
     licked her fingers.

Ewww and very cool!

As much as I liked most of this chapter, I have to say that the ending
was a letdown.  Pamela switches out of Hauser's very successful point
of view to tell us that, even though Darienn isn't supposed to have
dreams, she's having one anyway.  It says here that extended dreams
hardly ever work in fiction.  And alas, this dream isn't even very
dreamlike--instead it is a ham-handed flashback.  I'd like to suggest
that if this material is really necessary, Pamela should stay in
Hauser's POV and have Darienn wake up screaming.  Then Hauser could
ask her what the matter was and she could tell him -- or not.

Other than this cavil, a brave and first-rate chapter.  Press on,
Pamela!

--James Patrick Kelly
Author of STRANGE BUT NOT A STRANGER and THINK LIKE A DINOSAUR
http://www.jimkelly.net


Editor's Choice, Short Story:
"Jumper9" by Derek Molata

This submission has a great, frenetic style, full of vivid, slangy
description and little details that sketch in a much larger world.
Sentences like "She mushroomed a lime-green bubble, and then popped it
on the back of her metal-stitched teeth" are really quite beautiful.
But "Jumper9" isn't actually a story yet. It's not really even a
character sketch: we never find out the protagonist's name, or what
her ordinary life is like. We know she uses copperz, and wears her
hair in pigtails, but we get more description of her jump
paraphernalia than we do of her life.

The plot here is pretty simple: a girl comes into a hotel in order to
hook herself up to alternating electrical current and "jump"; she
promises the seedy, unattractive clerk sexual favors in order to
secure a room; once in the room, the narrator at first cannot find an
outlet, and then she does; we learn from a phone call that in January,
eight jumpers have died; the narrator plugs in, spins her dial too
far, and dies, just as the title of the vignette has already told us.

To make this work as a story, the writer is going to have to
complicate things a little, offer at least one reversal, and invest a
bit more life into the characters. The simplest way to do this,
probably, is to linger a bit longer on the conversation between the
protagonist and Mika, and make it about a lot more than jumping. Make
it about family and love and school and dome life, and also have the
two girls speculate lewdly and cruelly about the clerk who has given
the protagonist a room. Then, as the protagonist is clicking her dial,
give us more of her life, or of the dome news show -- maybe both. You
can flip between the news-stories and paragraphs that begin "She
doesn't think about --" and "She isn't thinking about --" and then go on
in those short sequences to tell us the things that she's leaving
behind as she rides the current, and that she will, in fact, leave
behind forever if she rides the current up too far.

It would be nice to know something (you don't need to overload the
story, but you do need enough) about the protagonist's family, her
socioeconomic status in her world, and what she thinks her future
will be like.

If you want this to be a cautionary tale, then the protagonist can
flip the dial up too far and die. But I wouldn't end the story there
-- there's no satisfying reversal, or shape to the story. If the
protagonist electrocutes herself, then I would have the power in the
hotel kick up and then blow out. Have the television shut off. Have
the clerk at the desk come upstairs, and find her. You can have him
come too late, or else you can have him become suspicious and come too
early, banging on the doors, before she's spun the dial up all the
way. (She's probably put something up against the door to keep him
out, right?) But her death will seem more like a tragedy if there's
someone there to mourn her, and it will give you a chance to make us
change our mind about the clerk and give a bit more depth to his
character, if he does feel some sort of emotion (anger, regret,
sorrow, annoyance because he'll have to clean up the room and explain
everything to the police) when he finds her.

Don't strain so hard for rising tension with the outlets that the
protagonist can't find at first. The repeated "Think!" tags, and
excessive panic don't ring true. Build tension naturally and slowly
with dialogue, and character.

Don't make your sentences work too hard, either. You have an excellent
ear for rhythm and also for language which conveys a lot of gritty,
visual detail. But in the very first sentence, the adjective "frowsy"
stops me. "Pasty lips" is great, but I can't parse "frowsy man." You
probably don't won't too many adjectives stacked up anyway, or else
they cancel each other out. It's the same with metaphors like "His
hopeful expression deflated faster than an old man's libido." For one
thing, that metaphor isn't really a metaphor -- it is his libido
that's deflating. And without the metaphor -- "His hopeful expression
deflated" -- the sentence still has plenty of zing.

--Kelly Link
Editor of TRAMPOLINE, available from Small Beer Press
http://www.kellylink.net/


Editor's Choice, Horror:
"So, You Want to Be a Coroner?  YA Challenge" by Julie Nordeen

I've met many young people, influenced by CSI and The X-Files, who
want to be medical examiners, so I think this is a great topic.  Your
main character comes across as arrogant and egotistical, which makes
the story interesting. I like the fact that she isn't the standard
nice girl.  I'm hoping she'll learn to be more humble by the end of
the story.  I'm assuming you haven't reached the end yet, because you
said the status was "not yet completed."

The story seems to have quite a way to go before it can reach a
satisfying conclusion.  At this point, I'm intrigued by what's going
on with the animals and what role Dr. Medad has in it.  I'm also
curious about Elsie's obsession with cancer.  The two areas that I
think could be strengthened are the opening scene and the writing
style.

The opening scene is pretty long, and I don't think something of
significance changes for Elsie.  I've talked in previous critiques
about the principle that some value of significance should change for
the main character in each scene.  For example, the character might go
from freedom to captivity, from wealth to poverty, from hate to love.

In the opening scene here Elsie meets Medad, but that doesn't really
make a major change to some value of significance.  She pretty much
ends the scene the same way she began it.  A scene that fails this
test either needs to be cut or needs to be revised so it does cause a
major change.  For example, maybe she starts the scene with no
interest in Medad, and ends the scene with a determination to learn
all she can from him.  This would help explain her signing up for the
session in the next scene.

The way you have it now, her interest in autopsies seems to arise
conveniently when the possibility to attend the session is presented.
Giving the character's motivation so late -- when she's about to act
on it -- makes the motivation feel false, as if it is being imposed by
the author, not coming out of the character.  For example, say Jane
discovers a gun and suddenly thinks how much she'd like to kill her
teacher.  That feels phony.  But if Jane has hated her teacher for
many pages, and she hears that someone has a gun and tracks it down,
then when she sees the gun and thinks how much she'd like to kill her
teacher, we'll completely believe it.  The situation will feel as if
it's real, arising out of the character, and not forced by the author.
 Right now, Elsie seems to be acting a lot like Jane in the first
example.  You need to set up things, such as her interest in cancer,
her desire to be a doctor, her love of animals, early in the story.

My enjoyment of the story was also lessened because I kept getting
distracted by your writing.  I see several problems there.  First,
many of your word choices are weak or inappropriate.  For example, you
write,

"How did you become a coroner?"  The soon-to-be valedictorian bantered
another question at the presenter.

The word bantered is used incorrectly here.  Banter means "to speak in
a playful or teasing way."  One does not "banter a question at the
presenter," just as one doesn't "tease a question at the presenter."
Instead, one "banters with the presenter."  This is just one of many
examples in your story.  Another is in the last paragraph, where you
say they attempt to "corral the situation." They could "control the
situation," or "corral the animals," or "corral the students," but
they can't "corral the situation." It doesn't make sense.

Many writers -- including me! -- think they know what words mean
because they've heard them used, but the truth is that they don't
really know, precisely, what they mean.  As a writer, your basic tools
are the words of the English language, and you need to know exactly
what they mean and how they can be used.  Study dictionaries (the
Oxford English Dictionary being the best), and always look up words if
you have the slightest doubt about them.  I have four dictionaries
within reach of my desk, and about five more in another room.  I'm
constantly looking up words and learning new things about them.  Last
month, I was very excited to learn the difference between careening
and careering.  Don't know?  Check it out.

Another stylistic problem is numerous run-on sentences.  While you
might choose to use one or two to create a specific effect, you have
at least twenty here, which tells me that you need to study up on what
makes run-on sentences and how to avoid them.  Run-on sentences will
signal to editors that you are not a strong writer.  Here's one
example: "Elsie never worried about her grades, her straight A's were
already in the bank." A college-level grammar handbook can help you
eliminate this problem from your writing.  There are many good ones,
including Hodge's Harbrace College Handbook.

Another weakness in the writing is not meaning what you say.  This is
another common one for developing writers.  For example, you write:
"She had her dorm room and its furnishings already picked out." But
it's impossible for her to have chosen her dorm room.  Colleges don't
allow this.  You are saying something that's not true to achieve some
effect.  You never want to say what's not true; you destroy the
reader's trust in you.  You can achieve your effect in another way.

The word choices also create point of view shifts.  You want to
maintain a consistent POV throughout the story.  Most of the story is
told from Elsie's POV, but you sometimes shift into Medad's POV, which
you shouldn't do.  For example:  "His hands then fell down into
pockets, which he'd left on his lab coat, and so were not there." This
was really confusing; I had to read it about three times to figure out
what you meant.  There's no way that Elsie can know he's looking for
the pockets of his lab coat.  Only Medad would know this, so you've
shifted here into Medad's POV.

Here's another example of a POV shift: "The physician jabbed his hand
out to the charming young lady." Elsie wouldn't think of herself as
the "charming young lady."  This is either Medad's POV, or an
omniscient POV.  Later, when "Medad half smiled at his assistant,"
this is clearly Medad's POV.

When you use a sentence structure with a participial phrase either
preceding or following the main clause, what you are saying is that
the action of the -ing verb and the action of the main verb occur
simultaneously.  Let's take a look at an example:

"Bending down, she dug through her bag."

This sentence means that Elsie is bending and digging simultaneously.
This isn't possible.  Her bag is on the ground, and she has to bend
first, before she can dig through it.  So you can't use this sentence
structure.

In the same paragraph as this sentence, you give an extremely detailed
description of her getting out a pencil.  This is not something
important enough to have an entire paragraph devoted to it.  I like
her nervous gesture of clicking the pencil, but you can easily get her
pencil out and her bag on the floor in a single sentence, instead of
four.  Remember that you always need to be judging how important
things are, and allocating space in your story accordingly.

One final comment, not related to style, is that I'm not fully
convinced that you know what it's like to be a medical examiner, and
that you know what a dead octopus would look/smell/feel like.
Obviously this type of story requires a lot of research.  I don't know
whether you've done the research or not, but what I can say is that
what you've written here doesn't convince me that you really know this
stuff.  Again, it's critical to earn and keep the reader's trust, so
you need to make sure that the details you give us are accurate and
believable.

The good news is that I think you can easily deal with all the points
I've raised here! Fix these problems and you'll write a really strong,
fresh, and entertaining story.  I hope my comments help you do that.

--Jeanne Cavelos
http://www.odysseyworkshop.org/


| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

The Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop recognizes members who
have given useful, insightful reviews.  After all, that's what makes
the workshop go, so we want to give great reviewers a little
well-earned recognition!

If you got a really useful review and would like to add the reviewer
to the Reviewer Honor Roll, just use our online honor-roll nomination
form -- log in and link to it from the bottom of the Reviewer Honor
Roll page at http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml.
Your nomination will appear on the first day of the next calendar
month.

The Honor Roll will show all Nov. nominations beginning December 1.
Here are some advance highlights from the November honor roll:

Reviewer: Iaver Asilob
Submission: The Heirs: Ch 47 REVISED (1540 words)  by Jennifer
Michaels
Submitted by: Jennifer Michaels
Nominator's Comments: Iaver popped into this book at the very end, yet
didn't let that stop him from offering some great advice. His comments
were very helpful!

Reviewer: Pamela OBrien
Submission: THE ONCE-QUEEN, Chapter Two Revised -- Updated  by Kevin
Kibelstis
Submitted by: Kevin Kibelstis
Nominator's Comments: Pamela took the time go through plot, characters
and motivation tick by tick to let me know what she saw and felt
throughout the chapter. She also included line crits, which are always
welcome and helpful.

Reviewers nominated to the honor roll during October include:  Treize
Armistedian, Iaver Asilob, Elizabeth Bear (2), Erin Boyd, Joanne
Bradley, Sam Butler (2), Rachele Colantuono, Bridget Collins, Charles
Cooper, Tara Devine, Linda Dicmanis, Mike Farrell (2), Caroljean
Gavin, Michael Goodwind, Dorian E. Gray, Robert Haynes, Carlos
Jimenez-Cortes (2), Hank Jones, Isaac Jourden (2), Penelope
Kert-Kuzmich, Len Lorentz, Mark Malcolm, Celia Marsh, Roger McCook
(2), Sharon Lee McGraw, Lizzie Newell, Juliet Nordeen (4), Pamela
OBrien, Michael Staton, Keith Robinson, Richard Rogers, M Thomas, PJ
Thompson (2), John Tremlett, John Trey, Jaime Voss, Sandra Ulbrich,
Raymond Walshe.

We congratulate them all for their excellent reviews. All nominations
received in October can be still found until December 1 at:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml


| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

We can't announce them if you don't let us know! So drop Charlie a
line at support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com whenever you have good
news to share.

An update: POLYPHONY 3, featuring stories from workshoppers Chris
Clarke and Celia Marsh, is now available for order from retailers or
directly from the publisher at http://www.wheatlandpress.com/index.html.

Sales and Publications:

Former member Kate Bachus's "Twenty Views of Tanforan" (which some of
you will recall from the workshop) appears in full in issue 70 of
_Bewildering Stories_ (http://www.bewilderingstories.com/). Charlie
says check it out.

Elizabeth Bear signed a three-book deal with Bantam Spectra for
HAMMERED, SCARDOWN, and WORLDWIRED. For the full story and all the
thank-yous, see the lead story in news above!

Leah Bobet is on an amazing roll!  Her short story "Spirits", which
was a second-person challenge piece, is up this month at _Fortean
Bureau_ (http://www.forteanbureau.com).  She sold two flash pieces,
"Scars" and "Boxing Day," (both workshopped) to _H.P. Lovecraft's
Magazine of Horror_. Her poem "Stepsister" will be reprinted at
Aoife's Kiss next month, and she sold three new poems:  "The
Rose-Child Iterates" to _Strange Horizons_, "Kiss and Makeup" to
_Chiaroscuro_, and "Roses in December" to _Flashquake_.

John Borneman's flash fiction story "Unnatural Disasters" has been
accepted for publication in _Planet Relish_
(http://www.planetrelish.com) Issue #32, scheduled to run in November
2003.  "You Will Be There When Grabowski Dies," a poem written in
second person future tense, is currently published in the
October-November issue of _Sidereality_ (http://www.sidereality.com).
John says: "Both of these were workshopped heavily and became much
better pieces as a result. Thanks to all my reviewers!"

Eric Joel Breslin's story "Dumpty's Rant" appears in the second issue
of _Flash Me_ (http://flash.to/flashme).

Linda Dicmanis won an Arts Festival literature award for $250.00 and
reports that the judge is hooking her up with an agent.
Congratulations! More proof that's there are as many ways to break in
as there are writers breaking in.

Charles Coleman Finlay's short story "The Seal Hunter" appears in the
Jan. 2004 issue of F&SF.

Just so you don't forget. "Forget-me-not,"  by Elizabeth Hull, is
being published under the psuedonym Amina Jackson in _Flash Me_
(http://flash.to/flashme).

While you're at _Flash Me_ reading Eric and Elizabeth, check out Kevin
Jones's short "He Missed the Sea" (http://flash.to/flashme). Kevin
tells us "It wasn't workshopped, but I did take a lot from what I
learned here." Cool! That's how it's supposed to work.

Pam McNew's poem "Visiting Ross" has been accepted to _ChiZine_
(http://www.chizine.com) for its January issue.  And five of my flash
fiction stories about little girls have been accepted by the _Fortean
Bureau_ (http://www.forteanbureau.com).  Pam tells us "of those five
stories, two of them were workshopped at OWW.  Thanks go to Kenneth
Rapp, John Trey, Chance M, Robert Haynes, Jennifer Michaels, Rabe
Ravnen and Michael Pignatella for their reviews!"

Steve Nagy sold a story to _Electric Velocipede_. Not that he bothered
to send us a note or anything about it.

All hail Sarah Prineas! In November she had stories appear in _Ralan's
Specstravaganza_, _Andromeda Spaceways Inflight Magazine_ ("The Fates
Take a Holiday"), _Paradox_ ("The Savage Infant"), and a snippet
co-written with John Borneman in the _Eggplant Literary Productions
Library_ ("A Treatise on Elemental Magic by Professor Copernicus
Finch, M.S., HexD"). Sarah assures everyone "Don't worry, that'll be
it for a while." Somehow we doubt that, because this month she also
sold "The Lambton Worm" to _Flytrap_!

Benjamin Rosenbaum sold non-speculative erotica short story "Duet in a
Quiet Room" to the BLOWING KISSES anthology. His workshopped story
"The Valley of Giants" appears in the premiere issue of _Argosy_. And
his Clarion story "Embracing-the-New" appears in the Jan. 2004 issue
of _Asimov's_!

Marsha Sisolak's story "Nine Tenths" appears in the latest issue of
_Andromeda Spaceways Inflight Magazine_.

James Stevens-Arce short screenplay "Souls" was the first-place winner
in the short screenplay category at The 3rd Annual SCREAMFEST L.A.
Horror Film and Screenplay Competition.  It's based on his short story
"Souls," which was just published in a crime fiction anthology called
FEDORA II (http://books.press-world.com/v/733.html).

Lisa Swanstrom is "delighted to report that my short story 'The Grass
Witch,' which I workshopped on the original Del Rey Online Writing
Workshop, won first place in the Fantastical Visions fiction
competition and is now in print in the anthology FANTASTICAL VISIONS,
VOL. II (http://www.fantasistent.com)."

Mikal Trimm's story "Cavemen By Firelight" was sold to _Planet Relish_
(http://www.planetrelish.com) for their November issue.  He writes:
"This one was never on the workshop because it sold before I could
hate it." Heh heh. Funny guy.

Jeremy Yoder sold "At the Twilight Hour" to _Dragons, Knights and
Angels_, a Christian fantasy Web site, for this December in their
Christmas issue.


| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

Number of members as of 11/20:  676 paying, 99 trial
Number of submissions currently online: 611
Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 71.0%
Percent of submissions with zero reviews: 2.8%

Number of submissions in October: 447
Number of reviews in October: 2100
Ratio of reviews/submissions in October: 4.70
Estimated average word count per review in October: 751.3

Number of submissions in November to date: 302
Number of reviews in November to date: 1365
Ratio of reviews/submissions in November to date: 4.52
Estimated average word count per review in November to date: 677.3

Total number of under-reviewed submissions: 68 (11.1% of total subs)
Number over 3 days old with 0 reviews: 4
Number over 1 week old with under 2 reviews: 33
Number over 2 weeks old with under 3 reviews: 31



| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

Got a helpful tip for your fellow members?  A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission?  Share it with us and we'll publish it in the next
newsletter.  Just send it to support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com and
we'll do the rest.

Until next month -- Just write!

The Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com

| - - Copyright 2003 Online Writing Workshops, LLC - - - - - - - - -|