O | The Online Writing Workshop for SF, F & H Newsletter, February 2004
W | http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!
| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
- Workshop News:
Breaking out big-time
Focus group on plotting
"Your lists" feature follow-up
Scholarship-fund anthology now available
Workshop focus chats
March writing challenge
Membership payment information
- Editors' Choices for January submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Feedback and Tips
| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
BREAKING OUT BIG-TIME
There are so many first sales and exciting publication notices this
month that we had to take note of some of them separately.
First off, we received this email from Karen Miller: "A long time ago
in a galaxy far, far away, I was a member of the workshop and had work
assessed by the members and editors. Then life got in the way, I
stopped contributing (bad, bad me) and I struggled on alone, but with
your encouragement ringing in my ears. Well, one of the books I
workshopped is being published, as two books, next year by Harper
Collins Australia! So thank you. It was the workshop that gave me
encouragement when I needed it, and helped me persevere." Old-time
workshop members will recall Karen's EC-noticed KINGMAKER, KINGBREAKER
from 1999. Book 1, THE INNOCENT MAGE, is scheduled for release in
August 2005, with Book 2, INNOCENCE LOST, following in March 2006.
We're very happy for Karen and proud of her persistence.
Tamara Siler Jones tells us that Bantam Spectra will release GHOSTS IN
THE SNOW in November 2004, with her second novel, THREADS OF MALICE,
following in Fall, 2005. She writes that she "met all the members of
my writers group on OWW and I'd like to thank them if I can. Joshua
Rode, Heather Williams, Mike the Janitor, Sam Godwin, Johnny B. Drako
and Catherine Darenbourg, Leah Bobet and Jonathon Ebonsword. So many
people read and reviewed GHOSTS I just can't remember them all, but
being an Editor's Choice runner up was a great honor!" Two more
workshop members have novels already out from small presses: Tim
Brommer's first novel THE HERETIC OF THE NORTH will be released in
March 2004 by Runestone Hill Press, and Gregory Banks published his
first book, CROSSROADS AND OTHER TALES, in January. Check them out!
Short-story writers are sharing the workshop's good vibe. The
best-paying market for short SF is _Sci Fiction_
(http://www.scifi.com/scifiction). There are not one, not two, but
three _Sci Fiction_ woo-hoos this month. After a long publishing dry
spell, Deb Coates's story "Articles of a Personal Nature" appears
there this week. And recent novel-selling phenom Elizabeth Bear sold
"This Tragic Glass" there too. She says, "Editor Ellen Datlow
mentioned that the last thing in the world she wanted to buy was
another time travel story with a historical figure as a protag. But
she liked it so much that she bought it anyway. At 12K! This was its
third submission: it had netted two form rejects from other markets."
But the biggest woohoo of all may belong to Chance Morrison. "Elvis
in the Attic" is her first pro sale. She says, "I want to thank Leah
Bobet, John Borneman, Mikal Trimm, Marsha Sisolak, Ken Woods (whom
the protagonist is named for), Charlie Finlay, Elizabeth Bear, Amber
van Dyk, Jeremy Tolbert, and Nora Fleischer for their critiques. One
scene in particular didn't work the way I thought it had, and without
the feedback I received from the workshop I don't think I would have
been able to sell it to _Sci Fiction_."
For a complete report, with links and thank yous, see this month's
"Sales and Publications."
NEW FOCUS GROUP ON PLOTTING BEGINS MARCH FIRST
As a special learning opportunity for workshop members, we've invited
author James Van Pelt to lead a focus group on plotting. Van Pelt has
sold almost 70 stories, as well a short story collection, and has been
a Campbell Award and Nebula Award finalist. His stories have been
included in the YEAR'S BEST SF for two years in a row. He is a
teacher and writing instructor who has a passion for Connie Willis's
work and a long-running interest in plotting.
The focus group will begin on March 1 and run for two weeks. A
complete description with the list of readings is below. To join the
focus group, please go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/oww-sff-focus/
Plotting Focus Group Description:
Most of the good books on writing have dynamite chapters on setting,
character, dialogue and the other nuts and bolts of writing, but when
they get to plot, they seem peculiarly unhelpful, particularly for a
writer who has a tough time figuring out how those published writers
were so clever. So, for two weeks, we will look at a variety of
stories to discuss how they are assembled. How do their plots work,
and what can we learn from them?
The stories we will use for discussion for each day are all available
online. For each story, on the day that it is up for discussion,
please post a paragraph-long response to its plot. Items that might be
useful to look for in your response could include the following:
- What in the story keeps the reader interested?
- What conflicts are present in the story?
- What are the twists, turns or surprises in the story?
- How does the beginning of the story set up the end?
During the two weeks, we will explore the following issues:
- There are two kinds of writers: those that start with a plot and
those that end with one. Which are you, and what does that mean
for writing a story?
- Freytag's pyramid. What can you learn from looking at the
structure of previously published stories? Are there really only 7
(21, 35, whatever) plots?
- Foreshadowing, which is what I think of as "completing the daisy"
(more on this later), or "What a nice gun you have on the mantle,
sir."
- Conflict and character. How plot can come from both.
- The story as war: metaphor #1
- The story as birth: metaphor #2
- The climax and epiphany. Stories considered by their external
plots, and stories considered by their internal plots.
- Why the first page of a story really introduces the last page,
not page two.
- The Connie Willis school of plot and story writing.
- Why plot isn't separate from anything else.
Plotting Focus Group Schedule:
Week One
(Monday)
"Cloak of Anarchy" by Larry Niven
http://www.larryniven.org/stories/cloak_of_anarchy.htm
(Tuesday)
"Parallel Highways" by James Van Pelt
http://www.sff.net/people/james.van.pelt/sample.htm
(Wednesday)
"Caught in the Organ Draft" by Robert Silverberg
http://www.scifi.com/scifiction/classics/classics_archive/silverberg3/
(Thursday)
"The Cure for Everything" by Severna Park
http://www.scifi.com/scifiction/originals/originals_archive/s_park/s_park1.html
(Friday)
"Living With Harpy" by Tim Pratt
http://www.strangehorizons.com/2003/20031027/harpy.shtml
Week Two
(Monday)
"Light of Other Days" by Bob Shaw
http://www.scifi.com/scifiction/classics/classics_archive/shaw/shaw1.html
(Tuesday)
"When it Changed" by Joanna Russ
http://www.scifi.com/scifiction/classics/classics_archive/russ/russ1.html
(Wednesday)
"Knapsack Poems" by Eleanor Arnason
http://www.asimovs.com/_issue_0401/knapsack.shtml
(Thursday)
"The Empress of Mars" by Kage Baker
http://www.asimovs.com/_issue_0401/Empress.shtml
(Friday)
"Chivalry" by Neil Gaiman
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ladyvoranderun/202318.html (this
might be a pirated copy, so the other link is better) or
http://www.harpercollins.com/webcontent/excerpts/pdf/0060010606.pdf
Click on "Chivalry" in the TOC for Smoke and Mirrors. This is a
PDF file.
James Van Pelt's Web site: http://www.sff.net/people/james.van.pelt
See you on the first!
"YOUR LISTS" FEATURE FOLLOW-UP
We want to thank everyone who gave us feedback and helped us solve a
few small bugs with the new workshop "Your Lists" feature. Many, many
members have created at least one list so far.
"Your Lists" allows you to manage your workshop participation. Use a
list to keep track of your favorite writers or of the submissions you
plan to review. Create a list for the members of your reviewing group
so you can have easy access to their directory listings. Collect
reviews you want to read and learn from. You can create as many lists
as you want, name them, and put them in the order you want on the Your
Lists page.
This feature was added at member request. So send your comments,
suggestions, and observations to support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
and let us know what you think!
SCHOLARSHIP-FUND ANTHOLOGY NOW AVAILABLE
Workshop member Rabe Phillips dropped us a note to say that he's
"pleased to announce that DARKER THAN TIN, BRIGHTER THAN SIN, the
anthology to benefit the OWW-SF/F/H Scholarship Fund, is now available
for purchase at Cafe Press (http://www.cafepress.com/oww_scholarship)
for $8.25 with 100% of the profits going to the OWW Scholarship Fund."
The anthology features new fiction from Pam McNew, Mikal Trimm, and
Mary Wilson, with five other contributors. Rabe adds that he "would
like to thank everybody for their support and encouragement concerning
the anthology."
WORKSHOP FOCUS CHATS
Mark your calendars for the following upcoming writing chats:
Focus on . . . Pen Hardy!
Wednesday, February 25, 2004 @ 7 pm EST
Focus on . . . Amanda Oestman!
Wednesday, March 3, 2004
Focus on . . . Veronica Stone!
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
Focus on . . . Lisa Deguchi!
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
The focus stories are posted on the OWW with the word 'focus' in the
title. All chats are held in the DROWWZoo chat room on AIM. For more
information, e-mail Pen Hardy or IM her at PKHardy.
MARCH WRITING CHALLENGE
Challenge Dictator Celia Marsh is feeling beastly, so this month's
theme is "Zoos." As with all the challenges, remember to push
yourself. Write something you'd never try otherwise, use some
technique you've never used before, or explore a different sub-genre
-- urban fantasy instead of high fantasy, space opera instead of hard
SF.
Participating in the monthly challenges is an excellent way to stretch
your skills. These pieces are for fun, so don't worry about them -- if
it fails, no one ever needs to know about it. But a lot of these
pieces succeed! Over 30 challenge stories have gone on to
publication. Challenging yourself, truly trying something that scares
you but speaks to you, may pay off in ways you can't expect.
For more complete information on the monthly writing challenges,
visit: http://www.thermeon.net/checkered/Challenge.html
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Bonus payments: The workshop costs only 94 cents per week, but we know
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For more information:
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Bonus payments and information about our company:
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Price comparisons:
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| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Editors' Choices are chosen from the submissions from the previous
month that show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of
our Resident Editors. Submissions in four categories -- SF, F, horror,
and short stories -- receive a detailed review, meant to be educational
for others as well as the author.
Reviews are written by our Resident Editors, award-winning authors and
instructors Jeanne Cavelos, James Patrick Kelly, and Kelly Link,
and by experienced science-fiction and fantasy editor Jenni
Smith-Gaynor. The last four months of Editors' Choices and their
editorial reviews are archived on the workshop. Go to the "Read,
Rate, Review" page and click on "Editors' Choices."
Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors!
Editor's Choice, Fantasy Chapter/Partial Chapter:
REVENANT Prologue and Chapter 1 by Andrea Kail
The opening chapter to Andrea Kail's novel, REVENANT, sets a solid
mood and weighty tone for the story ahead. The story takes place in a
Russian-like world and opens with the death of the emperor at the
hands of a blood sucking shape-shifter. The shifter, who might be a
vampire, is imbued with the power of his victim. He is able to control
the weather; his victim's "personality" still resides within the mind
of its captor, and the vampire seems to relish this mind control. His
true nature seems to be a secret from his followers; some of them are
religious fanatics. It's a good setup for many conflicts to come later
in the novel.
The first chapter is sparse in details. I don't get a good sense of
the palace or building in which the emperor had died. Kail does not
adequately describe her point of view character, either. I am not sure
whether Vasily (also known as Father Vasily to his followers) is the
protagonist or the antagonist since he is immediately set up to be a
powerful manipulator intent on ruling the city. Adding more details
would give more depth to this chapter -- a sense of place, time,
setting, character. I wanted to see what the characters looked like, I
wanted to smell the smoke coming from the burning buildings. I wanted
to see the furniture and the decorations of the room in which Vasily
killed the emperor he called a god. This chapter has a great sense of
plot and character -- Vasily has a strong personality -- but it is
lacking in sensory descriptions.
There is plenty of setup in this first chapter that is leading towards
a big story sure to come. Perhaps this is an epic in the making? With
so much information, this chapter should be longer. I don't get a
clear picture of the emperor and his followers -- Vasily calls them
gods, the Great Nine. This distinction could be expanded -- I'm not
sure whether they are truly gods or if they are creatures like Vasily
-- supernatural beings with some abilities, but not really "gods." I
also don't get a clear picture of the novel's conflict. What does
Vasily want now that he's taken over the city and killed the emperor?
It's implied that the emperor's escaped cohorts will be easily
apprehended. There's no great sense of urgency or conflict, which is
vital in an opening chapter. Without setting up the novel's major
conflict, there isn't much drama. Without drama, there's no pressing
desire to turn to the next page. And you definitely want your readers
to continue turning those pages.
Some more world building, like sensory details, would help ground this
chapter. I'm not sure if this is a reinterpretation of history or if
this is a fantasy world heavily influenced by Russian history. Without
physical descriptions or more details about the characters, I'm still
waiting to see -- it's this waiting that could distance potential
readers and weakens this chapter.
The prologue is intriguing, but I'm not sure how it ties into the
overall novel. The diary entry could be by a future character we've
yet to meet, or an ancient figure that is somehow tied to the main
character's lineage. It is unclear how the information in the prologue
ties to the sparse information in the opening chapter, which is
problematic. The prologue should tie into the first chapter in some
way -- world building, character background, tone -- or it is
unnecessary. Prologues are found in many of today's epic fantasies,
but they aren't always needed. There are other techniques that could
be applied to offer the reader a glimpse into a character's background
or future. Tie the information in this prologue to the first chapter
or the main character and it will feel stronger and more connected to
the overall story.
I liked how Kail introduced us to Vasily -- he's a bloodsucking
shape-shifter who is leading a revolution. With more details about the
world and the overall conflict, this first chapter could be a strong
beginning to an exciting novel. Don't forget to maximize the drama, to
keep the energy of the story flowing, to keep hold of the reader's
attention. The death of the emperor at the hands of this vampire is a
good hook, but what follows will help "reel the readers in."
--Jenni Smith-Gaynor
Former editor, Del Rey Books
Editor's Choice, SF Chapter/Partial Chapter:
SIGNI, Chapters 19 and 20 by Megan Crewe
I read these two short chapters with pleasure, although I must say I
was occasionally confused coming in so late in this book. This is a
YA novel about a group of teens who have odd visions of "signi,"
symbolic and portentous hallucinations. The power to observe these
signi apparently peaks during high school, after which it fades slowly
away. I like this twist on the idea -- I like it a lot. It works
both as a plot device and as a symbol of the transition from
adolescence to adulthood. Bravo, Megan!
This is the fantastic element in what is otherwise a well-realized
slice of teenage life, complete with budding romance and painful
breakup, parents who don't seem to understand and teachers who do,
fleeting conversations in front of lockers and flirting over fries at
fast food joints. All of this centers around Angie, a strong main
character who is trying to puzzle out the source of menacing signi
which seem to be causing fights in her school.
Megan has an ear for contemporary teen dialog. Here's Angie talking
about a teacher she suspects of being the source of the bad signi,
"Today he was stealing a book or something, acting all guilty, and
this one time I saw a creepy black rope thing coming out of his hand,
and he is always angry." Megan is also capable of some truly wonderful
prose narrative. Here's a description of a vision Angie is having
that is just plain terrific -- in both senses of the word. "She, the
girl, was just sitting there, looking at a book that lay open on her
lap. Her ghostly thumb ran over her bottom lip as she examined the
page. Her translucent hand flipped it over. Light pooled in her face,
her chest, the knobs of her knees. She was sucking the light in. Yet
the edges of her burned dark, dark as a black hole. It opened around
her, eating away at the light around her edges, gnawing at her elbows
and the fringes of her hair."
Alas, although her prose style is in general nicely transparent and
often quite evocative, Megan stumbles occasionally, serving up
clunkers like, "He jerked around like an awkward marionette" and "Hope
sparked in her throat, then flickered out." This is problem that is
endemic to the OWW and, indeed, to writers at all levels, myself
included. We must constantly ask ourselves how far we are willing to
go for a simile or metaphor, knowing that the greater the stretch, the
more likely we are to fall flat on our faces. Some might argue that
readers will just pass over a strained image and that's true to some
extent, but too many undermine the reader's confidence in the writer
and sometimes just stop the narrative dead.
I will offer some quibbles about two of the stylistic decisions Megan
has made, with the understanding that these are actually matters of
taste. The first is that I don't like it much that when these kids
perceive the signi, they See them with a capital "S." Some beginning
writers are profligate capitalizers, so that their wizards have the
Power and their priestesses sing the Song and their citizens follow
the Law. I find this kind of typographic grandiosity off-putting, but
that's just me. And yes, I am no fan of the Force, either.
The second is that Megan resorts a little too often to what I call
intestinal characterization. A lot of guts get wrenched in these
chapters. For example, "With her breath still sticking in her throat,
she crept down the row. Her heart pounded. The clammy hand slipped
down her front and clenched her stomach." Now I have a friend, who
shall remain nameless, thank you very much, who has published a whole
shelf of novels over the last twenty-some years that regularly deploy
intestinal characterization. At moments of high drama, the insides of
his POV characters do everything but tap dance! But a little of this
goes a long way -- or at least that's what it says here.
I am concerned about Angie's parents as they are portrayed in Chapter
20. Megan notes at the top of the chapter that she was changing their
characterization in earlier chapters so that it would be more in line
with how we see them here, which is basically that they are
self-absorbed and totally insensitive to Angie's needs. I would like
to cast my vote for making them less distant rather more. I think
Megan wants Angie to be alienated from them and that's all well and
good. Alienation from one's parents comes naturally to teens. But
here's the end of the scene where she confronts them: "Her mother
reached out to pat Angie's shoulder. 'Oh, Angela, what's the matter?
Did you have a bad day?' 'No,' Angie said. 'No, every day is like
this. You never ask. You never care. It doesn't matter. Never mind.'"
Then she runs out of the room, although we know that she's waiting for
them to come after her and ask her again what's wrong. And so am I!
Her last speech is so clearly a cry for help that it makes me feel
that these two grownups are not only distant but kind of monstrous as
well. If that's the case, then Angie should have many more issues with
them than she seems to have. Make them clueless by all means, but not
neglectful.
One last suggestion is that Angie might be more successful in escaping
the mysterious Rob than she is. I love the line where she realizes
that she is being followed and debates what to do and then thinks "Now
running, that was a plan." But at the end of this scene, she is
basically out of luck. "His breath snarled behind her. Fingertips
grazed her back. She threw herself forward, her fists clenched. If he
caught her, she'd be ready. She'd fight the best she could, for
whatever it was worth." It feels like she has failed, only then her
friend Peter appears and saves her. I'd like it better if she saves
herself. With a slight tweak this scene would play out that she
outwitted Rob by getting to all the way to Peter's house where she
knew she would have reinforcements.
I like what you've got going here, Megan. Press on to the end!
--James Patrick Kelly
Author of STRANGE BUT NOT A STRANGER and THINK LIKE A DINOSAUR
http://www.jimkelly.net
Editor's Choice, Short Story:
"Errant Souls" by John Schoffstall
This is a lovely fable in the style of Oscar Wilde, with touches,
perhaps, of Isak Dinesen and Philip Pullman. The writing is
old-fashioned without being precious, and there is some gorgeous
description and some telling comments on the human condition:
"The cold etheric wind that blows out of the lonely places between the
stars tore through Jorge's flesh like a hagfish boring through the
body of a cod."
And here, where Jorge takes communion: "It tasted like raw meat,
blood, and fat. For a few minutes, until he chewed and swallowed it,
it connected Jorge to the Godhead. God and Jorge never had anything to
say to one another. Their mystical communion mediated by the scrap of
host was more of a mutual embarrassment than anything."
It would be nice to know slightly more about Ivy's soul, and what she
(and Jorge, of course) loves, and spends her time engaged in doing.
And at the end of the story, when all the children rush out and swap
souls, I strongly suggest changing the tone of this scene. It strikes
me as more than a little horrific when two hundred children decide en
masse to exchange souls. Some of them may truly be disconnected from
their souls, but surely most of them are, in effect, window shopping
or just going along with the exchange because all of their friends are
doing it. Besides, who, as an adolescent, wouldn't be anxious to ditch
their soul and get a different one, regardless of whether it's a good
decision or not. You've already made it clear that going about with
someone else's soul is not entirely a happy condition, and I don't
think that you should suggest otherwise. If you make this scene one of
chaos and have Jorge and Ivy powerless to prevent their classmates
from making a rash decision, it's far more true-to-life, and far, far
more interesting.
I don't have a lot of nitpicks, only some suggestions. First, go
through and look at how "Father" and "his father" are used, apparently
interchangeably, throughout. The thing is, depending on which one you
use, you're pulling closer into, or farther away from Jorge's point of
view. Yes, even something so small can be important. Choose one or
the other -- although inside dialogue, of course, when Jorge addresses
his father, it's a different matter.
Along the same lines, look out for vague-ish details of time, such as
"One morning Jorge said, 'I'm going,' to the boy in front of him, and
walked away." This should be something more specific, such as "The day
after Jorge lost his soul . . ." etc.
Again, here is an instance where the tone slips a little: "Playing
hooky, he thought, ought to be more fun. Why wasn't he having fun?"
The word choices don't seem quite as apt: something about "fun" seems
far too contemporary.
I would recommend cutting this sentence entirely: "The dire nature of
his situation took a while to sink in." As usual, you don't need to
tell when you're showing, especially when you've already shown that
the situation is pretty dire.
The reference here is somewhat askew -- it's the skin, not the nose,
that is like a crone's. And I'm not entirely sure that the simile
works: "The skin stretched tightly over the bony bridge of his nose,
like a crone's."
The author has said that this story is one of several attempts to try
out different styles & voices, and I highly recommend his approach. On
the other hand, while you're writing Wildean fairytales, you would do
even better to really claim the story as your own. Put in as much of
your own voice as you can manage. For example, the descriptions of the
souls dancing is nicely done, but why not consider the fact that souls
always seem to take up dancing once they're free of their fleshy
counterparts. Once you've thought about that, you can approach it in
two ways. You can have a character ask, bluntly, why souls are always
dancing (and follow up from there with the fact that some souls have
two left feet, etc), or you can instead have souls playing chess,
curled up in trees asleep, holding trials, hanging around in
convenience stores, reading magazines, etc.
The other thing to ponder deeply is that Wilde gets imitated a great
deal. So you need to do more with your material. Dinesen, on the
other hand, doesn't get imitated nearly enough, although I recommend
to everyone Peter Hoeg's wonderful Dinesen-esque story collection
TALES OF THE NIGHT. And while we're on the subject of short story
collections, the wonderful, wonderful, and wonderfully prolific,
short-story writer Joan Aiken has recently died. Like John Collier and
Saki and Oscar Wilde, she wrote weird, funny, occasionally scary short
stories. A lot of her books are currently out of print, but look for
used copies of collections like A HARP MADE OUT OF FISHBONES, or NOT
WHAT YOU EXPECTED. She's an excellent example of someone who worked in
a variety of different styles, and yet always maintained her own
voice.
--Kelly Link
Editor of TRAMPOLINE, available from Small Beer Press
http://www.kellylink.net/
Editor's Choice, Horror:
"Better" by Charles Tuomi
I was immediately grabbed by this opening line: "When he was very
angry, my father sang Christmas carols." Part of it is the unexpected
juxtaposition, not just of Christmas carols and anger, but of using
one to control the other. There's a whole story implied in that
sentence, a mystery that, as a reader, I want to see resolved.
This great opening sentence is followed, wisely, by a description of
the singing that is vivid, perhaps a little too vivid or excessive,
but perfectly disturbing and unsettling. As is the son's conclusion
that his father was ultimately a "hero, really, for doing as well as
he did." By this point I had to keep reading to discover why the
father had become this way.
The scene where Sean asks his father about the Christmas carols, the
way it shows the father's expression of anger in mowing the lawn, the
way the two brothers react with embarrassment to their father's
behavior, all rings very true. It's so distressing because we believe
it, but we can't explain it and don't know what's going to happen
because of it. When the narrator looks at his father's yellowed teeth
and wants "to kick those teeth in. Or run screaming from the house. Or
hug Dad until he just stopped. I didn't know what I wanted, really,"
the author captures the inner conflict that creates rising tension and
drives this story forward. The choice of the seasonal song -- "Oh the
weather outside is frightful" -- has a chilling double meaning. And
the hook at the end of the scene, where the father gives his
explanation, only raises more questions and create more tension. It's
all very effectively done.
The next scene, the one that begins "Sean and I learned, over time,
not to ask questions," is weaker. The way they find a normality in
their odd situation feels right, and is full of tension. But the scene
lacks the convincing details, the specific incidents that made the
opening so strong. Also, it raises different kinds of questions about
the Mother (which the author avoids dealing with later by having her
conveniently pass away). How did she end up with this man? Why does
she stay with him? We need to see more of the Mom's dysfunction, to
understand the dynamic that binds these two parents together. If she
were telling the story, how would she explain her own actions, how
would she justify her choices? We don't need to see the story from
her POV, but we need to glimpse enough of her psychology to understand
why she stays, just so the story will hold together.
The moment when the father's self-control fails is at the heart of the
story. The author makes a very wise decision here to have the
conflict begin off-stage, so that we'll never know what the exact
provocation was. The provocation is irrelevant -- it's the effect on
the two children we care about most, and this choice focuses all our
attention on them, and on the arbitrariness of the violence, which is
where the real horror lies. The father's actions, and reactions to
his son, feel horrifyingly real. The use of the lines from the
Christmas song here, as elsewhere, have an uneasy double edge that
adds to the unease. The choices of the mother and the boys, the way
they avoid the father, and then confront him and run, all keep pulling
the tension both ways.
And then the story derails. The tension has been building and
building in this story because, like the child/narrator, we don't
understand what's going on or why, and because we feel powerless to
effect it. From the moment I read "Dad explained it all in the note,"
I felt the tension drain out of the story. Horror is a mood. As a
reader, I want increasing tension in the story until I figure out the
mystery for myself -- that moment of realization in the reader creates
much of the mood of horror.
So first we get the "rational" cause explaining the father's
condition. It's even weaker because the way it's presented, the
narrator summarizing the father's suicide note, pushes it back another
remove and makes it more emotionally remote. Next, the passage of the
condition from grandfather to father telegraphs the ending much too
soon. By the time I got to the phrase "flaw he had inherited from his
father," the narrator's fate was narratively inevitable. Worse, it
took too many pages to reveal it. Once we realize the narrator's
fate, the story is over in many ways. Although here I want to note
that the "I still don't know how he pulled it off" from the first
scene takes on a second resonance now, and is very well done.
I think there are more effective options to take the story forward
here. What if the father doesn't leave a note? What if Sean, for
example, devotes his life to figuring out their father's choices, and
we get the information from him, instead of in this summarization of a
note? Or what if the narrator becomes obsessed with their father's
life and calls Sean with his reports? Instead of letting their
father's death explain the mystery, you want to find some way to
expand the mystery. The brothers, who were close, could be pushed
apart by their different feelings toward understanding their father.
This doesn't haven't to be long and drawn out -- it could be shown in
one scene, or one conversation, years later, with enough exposition to
establish the larger context. While we were paying attention to them
trying to understand their father, it would also misdirect us from the
revelation that you want us to see at the end of the story.
There's a second major false step at the moment when the narrator says
"Speaking of me." Having explained the father, the narrator now
explains himself. You might want to consider letting this slip more
toward an unreliable narrator. We trust him in the beginning because
he speaks directly, and with honest puzzlement at his father's
condition. Letting some of the exposition about missing women come
from the brother in conversation would let readers draw their own
conclusions and feel a greater sense of horror when they realize
what's really happening.
Some minor changes could also improve the story. The father's breath
smelling "like rubber burning" when he sings, or the narrator's sense,
when his father goes into the shed that "something more horrible might
be about to happen... it tickled my scalp like an impending electrical
strike" -- these border on cliches. Plus I'm not sure this needs to
imply a supernatural element since it's never developed later. The
human mind can be sufficiently horrific all by itself. Fixing
imprecise word choices, like the mother "hitting the ground" when it's
a floor because she's inside, or simple mistakes, like saying that
Sean "loves his big brother" at the end of the story when the narrator
is his younger brother, will also improve it.
But the author's choice of detail and incident, his control of voice,
is generally so effective that I feel confident these minor problems
can be fixed. The premise here is strong enough, and the opening half
so powerful, that this has the potential to be a very unsettling story
if only the tension can be kept rising until the moment where the
reader puts the pieces together. If that moment is followed by the two
brothers singing on the phone, talking to each other, and answering
"better" (you really don't need the last two lines, especially the
last one, which shifts the focus away from the narrator onto Sean) the
effect can be very poignant as well, mixing the human element back
into the monster. Not an easy trick for any writer to do. And this is
almost there!
--Charles Coleman Finlay
Workshop Administrator, http://www.ccfinlay.com
| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop recognizes members who
have given useful, insightful reviews. After all, that's what makes
the workshop go, so we want to give great reviewers a little
well-earned recognition!
If you got a really useful review and would like to add the reviewer
to the Reviewer Honor Roll, use our online honor-roll nomination form
-- log in and link to it from the bottom of the Reviewer Honor
Roll page at http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml.
Your nomination will appear on the first day of the next calendar
month.
The Honor Roll will show all February nominations beginning March 1.
Here are some advance highlights from the February honor roll:
Reviewer: Tracey Stewart
Submission: The Prisoner, Chapter 2 (Boston Critters) by Helen
Mazarakis
Submitted by: Helen Mazarakis
Nominator's Comments: Tracey went right to the central problem of the
chapter--the lack of insight into and sympathy for the main character.
Then she picked out all the conflicts and noted how well or how badly
I'd followed through on each. She found where I told instead of
showed. She showed me how I could increase the tension. Then for the
cherry on top, she helped me out with nautical terminology. Thanks,
Tracey!
Reviewer: Robert Haynes
Submission: ALIEN SPIRIT by Larry Pinaire
Submitted by: Larry Pinaire
Nominator's Comments: This is the second review received from this
site that was heads above reviews I have received at other sites.
This review was very helpful in ways that might allow me to grow as a
writer.
Reviewers nominated to the honor roll during January include: Melissa
Alsgaard, Beth Bernobich, Mads Birkvig (3), John Borneman, Tim
Brommer, Aaron Brown, N Chenier, Laura Comerford, Mike Farrell (3),
William Freedman, Bonnie Freeman, Michael Goodwind, Rhonda S. Garcia,
Robert Haynes, Matthew Frederick Davis Hemming, Donna Johnson,
Marianne Keesee, Harold Kirsch, damselfly m, chance m, Maura McHugh,
Lizzie Newell, Randy Olsen, Elizabeth Porco, Joseph Roberts, John
Sanfelippo, John Schoffstall, Carol Seck, Sarah Simon, Randy Simpson,
Gene Spears, John Tremlett, Tony Valiulis, Jo Van de Walle, nancy
wiest (2), Jeremy Yoder.
We congratulate them all for their excellent reviews. All nominations
received in January can be still found until March 1 at:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml
| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
We can't announce them if you don't let us know! So drop Charlie a
line at support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com whenever you have good
news to share.
Sales and Publications:
Gregory Banks published CROSSROADS AND OTHER TALES, mixing prose and
poetry, in January. Many of the stories have fantasy elements. It can
be ordered from bookstores or at http://www.lulu.com/WheelManPress.
His story "Home Going" is in issue #3 of _Creative Brother's Sci-Fi
Magazine_ (http://www.lulu.com/content/31207) and "An Elysian Dream"
is available at _StoneGarden.net_ (http://www.stonegarden.net/). For
this last piece, he sends "special thanks to Carlos Jimenez-Cortes,
Roger McCook, Clarissa Geffon, Richard Eslick, and Carol Seck for
their wonderful comments."
Elizabeth Bear has two sales to report. "This Tragic Glass" will
appear in _Sci Fiction_ (http://www.scifi.com/scifiction). She says
"thanks go out to John Tremlett, Hannah Wolf Bowen, Kat Allen, Andrew
Ahn, and Stella Evans." And "The Chains That You Refuse" will appear
in issue #20 of _Chiaroscuro_ (http://www.chizine.com). "Special
thanks to OWW reviewers Kathryn Allen, Stella Evans, Hannah Wolf
Bowen, and Rhonda Garcia; also to Chance Morrison, who checked my
Boston against the real one, and to Celia Marsh, who dared me to write
a second-person future-perfect-tense story. (It's actually
future-perfect-continuous. I cheated.)"
Sandie Bergen's "Breakfast" is the feature story in the third issue of
_Flash Me Magazine_ (http://flash.to/flashme).
Leah Bobet sold "Midnights on the Bloor Viaduct" to _On Spec_. She
gives "thanks to everyone who critiqued and made suggestions, with a
special thanks to Tempest, who provided partial inspiration for the
idea." Her EC runner-up short story "Rosewater for His Lips" appears
in the current issue of _Arabella Romances_
(http://www.arabellamagazine.com), available in Borders and B&N. Her
poem "The Sixth Swan" will be in the Spring issue of _Flashquake_
(http://www.flashquake.org), and her poem "Her Hero" sold to _Strange
Horizons_ (http:www.strangehorizons.com), for which she sends "thanks
to Jaime Voss, who looked it over and poked me into sending it out."
Tim Brommer's first novel, THE HERETIC OF THE NORTH, will be released
by Runestone Hill Press in March.
Marlissa Campbell sold her flash piece "Anatomy Lesson" to
_Flashquake_ (http://www.flashquake.org/) for their Spring issue. "The
story was workshopped, and _greatly_ improved thanks to comments
received."
Deb Coates's story "Articles of a Personal Nature" is up this week at
_Sci Fiction_ (http://www.scifi.com/scifiction). She writes, "It's a
little incredible to me how quickly this has all happened. I finished
the first draft of this story at the end of June. Sent it out for the
first time in mid-August. And now, it's published. It usually takes
years (for me; I don't know that anyone else's time lines are anything
like mine)."
Rhonda Eudaly's "Why Don't You Get A Real Job?" appears in SINISTER
SLEUTHS, released by Cyber-Pulp Publishers (http://come.to/cyberpulp).
She tells us that it will be available through FictionWise
(http://www.fictionwise.com/eBooks/CyberpulpeBooks.htm) and Lulu
(http://my.lulu.com/cyberpulpbooks).
Jeff Turner's "Closing Windows" appears in FUNDAMENTALLY CHALLENGED, a
CD-based anthology (http://www.jeffturnerfiction.com).
Stella Evans sold "The City-God's Choice" to _Simulacrum_ for the
March 2004 issue. She explains, "I stumbled on this market completely
by accident one day -- it's a 4theLuv market-- but was sufficiently
impressed by their first issue (which can be downloaded in PDF format
for free) that I thought I might submit something to them."
Mark Fewell's first sale of 2004, "The Demon and The Slave Trade,"
sold to _Multiverse_ (http://www.multiversemagazine.com). He says,
"It's the second story I've sold about Blackwing, a demon who was so
nice he got kicked out of Hell and must do one hundred evil deeds to
return home." He followed that up with sale number two! "Maybe The
Gnomes Are Real" will appear in Edward McFadden's new magazine _Cosmic
Speculative Fiction_. Mark says, "The story was written as part of
the epistolary challenge a few months back and it is written as a
series of e-mails." Someone tell Celia!
Charles Coleman Finlay just had an amazing two weeks. He sold a
novelet, "Love and the Wayward Troll," to _F & SF_, and a novella,
"The Nursemaid's Suitor," to _Black Gate_. His short story "Wild
Thing" will be reprinted in the YEAR'S BEST FANTASY, VOLUME 4, edited
by David Hartwell and Cathryn Kramer. All the stories were workshopped
and much improved thereby. Thanks.
"Eeee!" Celia Marsh found out that her story "Wounds" is getting an
Honorable Mention in YEAR'S BEST FANTASY AND HORROR #17. Not bad for a
first story, based on a picture game blurb.
Karen Miller, OzK, sold her workshopped novel KINGMAKER, KINGBREAKER
to HarperCollins Australia. It's been split into two novels. Book 1
is THE INNOCENT MAGE and will appear in August 2005, and Book 2 is
INNOCENCE LOST, coming out in March 2006. She received Editor's Choice
recognition and reviews for this back in 1999.
Pam McNew's "Americas Branch of Olde World Prodigious Libations"
appears in the Fe-"brew"-ary issue of _Fortean Bureau_
(http://www.forteanbureau.com/) and her story "Sad Weeping Angel"
appears in the anthology DARKER THAN TIN, BRIGHTER THAN SIN
(http://www.cafepress.com/oww_scholarship).
Chance Morrison sold "Elvis in the Attic" to _Sci Fiction_
(http://www.scifi.com/scifiction). She says, "I know I would have
never written this story without the OWW, never mind sold it. Thanks
to all."
Ruth Nestvold sold "Feather and Ring" to _Arabella Romances_. She
wrote it originally for the Magic Realist challenge on the workshop
almost two years ago. "I had it up twice, so I have a lot of critters
to thank: Laura Fischer, Shoshanna Jaskoll, Kirsten Kohlwey, George
Lynn, EBear, Larry West, Keong, A.L. Hicks, Jean Seok, Marsha Sisolak,
Villy Ellinger, and Brad Beaulieu. Thanks, all. You guys rock."
Jeff Spock's story "The Consultant and the Kraken" is in the winter
issue of _Quantum Barbarian_
(http://www.quantumbarbarian.com/issue-no-4/consultant-js.html).
Jeremy Tolbert sold "The Girl With the Sun in Her Head" to POLYPHONY
4. To say that he was thrilled would be understating it.
Look for Mikal Trimm's story "A Life In Movies" in POLYPHONY 4
alongside Jeremy. Mikal says "Huzzah!" Unsatisfied with that, he
sold his story "Sitting Here in Limbo" to DIFFERENT WHEN YOU'RE
SCARED, a Warren Zevon tribute anthology and "Innocents" to DARKER
THAN TIN, BRIGHTER THAN SIN.
Charles Tuomi's "The Leap From the Bridge is Ungainly" appears in the
February issue of _Ideomancer_ (http://www.ideomancer.com).
Amber van Dyk sold her short story "Storyville" to the Ratbastards
Chapbook RABID TRANSIT. She, um, apologizes: "While I did workshop
this story, it changed a great deal, and went from a speculative piece
to a mainstream literary piece inspired by the flow of 'hot jazz'."
Mary Wilson is "thrilled that my story 'Freeing Angel,' was included
in DARKER THAN TIN, BRIGHTER THAN SIN." So are we!
A first sale of any kind! David Wood sold a poem to _Dragons, Knights,
and Angels Magazine_. "I'm grateful to everyone who has critiqued my
work on the workshop. The lessons I continue to learn from them are
invaluable to my growth as a writer."
Jeremy Yoder's story "Penumbra" will appear in CLOAKED IN SHADOW: DARK
TALES OF ELVES, alongside fellow workshopper Kyri Freeman. "Thanks to
Sandra Ulbrich, Roger McCook, Michael Goodwind, Raven Matthews, Robert
Haynes, and damselfly m. Not only for their great crits, but for doing
them on such short notice so I could get the piece out before the
antho filled up."
| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Number of members as of 1/20: 706 paying, 115 trial
Number of submissions currently online: 686
Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 74.6%
Percent of submissions with zero reviews: 3.2%
Average reviews per submission (all submissions): 5.05
Number of submissions in January: 537
Number of reviews in January: 2595
Ratio of reviews/submissions in January: 4.83
Estimated average word count per review in January: 708.7
Number of submissions in February to date: 361
Number of reviews in February to date: 1529
Ratio of reviews/submissions in February to date: 4.24
Estimated average word count per review in February to date: 682.9
Total number of under-reviewed submissions: 72 (10.5% of total subs)
Number over 3 days old with 0 reviews: 3
Number over 1 week old with under 2 reviews: 33
Number over 2 weeks old with under 3 reviews: 36
| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
TIPS
Got a helpful tip for your fellow members? A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission? Share it with us and we'll publish it in the next
newsletter. Just send it to support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com and
we'll do the rest.
Until next month -- just write!
The Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
| - - Copyright 2004 Online Writing Workshops - - - - - - - - - - - |
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