O | The Online Writing Workshop for SF, F & H Newsletter, March 2004
W | http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!
| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
- Workshop News:
Plotting focus group
April crit marathon
Strange Horizons looking for help again
Odyssey workshop 2004
Midwest "Writing Jam" writer retreats
Workshop focus chats
April writing challenge
Membership payment information
- Editors' Choices for February submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Feedback and Tips
| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
There were three more first sales this month! Jaime Voss sold "Forever
Lost" to _Arabella_, Kenneth Rapp sold "Dead is Dead" to _AlienSkin_,
and David Reagan sold "Eternal Kitten" to _Indy Men's Magazine_. We welcome
all three into the workshop's Hall of Fame.
For a complete report, with links and thank yous, see this month's
"Sales and Publications."
PLOTTING FOCUS GROUP
The two-week-long focus group on plotting, led by award-nominated
author and teacher James Van Pelt, was a terrific success. Over 200
people signed up for it, and more than 75 participated actively with
at least one post. We've received almost forty evaluations from
participants, and the comments have been very positive, with good
suggestions for other topics and improvements next time.
Special thanks go to James Van Pelt for his great teaching job, and to
Pen Hardy, who helped Charlie with the list moderation to make sure
that everything ran quickly and smoothly. We hope to do more focus
groups like this in the future, with another synopsis-writing focus
group coming next.
APRIL CRIT MARATHON
Members of the workshop mailing list have announced the Third Annual
April Crit Marathon! Yes, it's no joke: come April 1st, young (and
not-so-young) OWWers' minds will turn to thoughts of critiquing.
If you haven't done a Crit Marathon before (or even if you have) then
you should know:
* The Crit Marathon is, of course, purely voluntary.
* The Crit Marathon will be THREE WEEKS, beginning on Thursday, April
1 and continuing through Wednesday, April 21st, 2003. (NOTE THAT THIS
IS SHORTER THAN LAST YEAR. With any luck, this'll save us from
burnout. :-)) After it ends, Pen will e-mail a whole bunch of useless
statistics to the list, and call it "Results."
* Your suggested Marathon goal is to write at least one substantive
critique and post it to the workshop every day during the Marathon.
Attention to under-appreciated subs is encouraged. Last year we
cleared the under-reviewed subs list in the first few days of the
marathon; let's make this our goal again this year.
* Only crits posted to the OWW will count. If you do e-mail
crits--good on ya, but they don't count for this Marathon.
* All crits must be substantive (as in: "having substance: involving
matters of major or practical importance to all concerned.) If you
have any questions on what counts, or you need a refresher, check out
the "How to Review/Review FAQ" page on the workshop, which can be
found here: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/howtoreview.shtml
There are prizes, yes, prizes, for the most crits given! In truth, the
winners are the recipients of all our lovely crits -- last year, 55
marathoners did 1574 critiques during the marathon. But the most
active marathoners will have a chance to win a professional Web site
design, gift baskets, books, t-shirts, necklaces, and fancy crits!
If you want to participate, want to donate prizes, or need more
information, email Pen Hardy at pkhardy@aol.com (pkhardy at aol dot
com).
STRANGE HORIZONS LOOKING FOR HELP AGAIN
_Strange Horizons_ (http://www.strangehorizons.com), the volunteer-run,
award-nominated webzine of speculative fiction, needs to fill two
staff positions:
Development/PR:
The ideal candidate for this non-paying position would be someone who
has worked in fund-raising in the past, but we'll consider any
applicant who has enthusiasm, energy, and two or three hours a week to
spare. Working in our Development group, your responsibilities might
include some of the following activities: helping organize and
administrate our twice-yearly fund drives, coordinating our annual
Reader's Choice Awards and reader survey, helping to promote _Strange
Horizons_ and raise our visibility, and contributing to ongoing
development projects such as grant-writing and building an endowment
fund.
Bookstore Manager:
The bookstore is a vital element in our revenue model; affiliate sales
can bring a magazine a significant amount of money. An ideal
bookstore manager would read our galleys every Sunday, note what
titles are being reviewed, mentioned in articles, mentioned in bios,
etc., and add those titles (with annotations) to the bookstore. We're
sadly a bit behind in this, so there may be some catch-up work at the
start. Applicants must have a basic knowledge of HTML. Estimated
workload: 2 hours/week, plus some additional start-up time.
Candidates for either position can e-mail editor@strangehorizons.com
for more information.
ODYSSEY WRITING WORKSHOP 2004
Odyssey is a highly respected creative writing workshop for science
fiction, fantasy, and horror authors. It was founded nine years ago
to provide up-and-coming genre writers the guidance and support
necessary to become professionals, and it has quickly become one of
the premier genre workshops in the country. Forty percent of
Odyssey's graduates have gone on to be published, a staggering
statistic for a creative writing workshop.
Odyssey's director is none other than OWW's usual horror reviewer:
editor, author, and teacher Jeanne Cavelos. Odyssey's special
writer-in-residence for 2004 is George R. R. Martin, with guest
lecturers like award-winning authors Catherine Asaro, Ellen Kushner,
Delia Sherman, and Barry B. Longyear, bestseller Bob Mayer, and
award-winning editor/writer Gardner Dozois.
Those interested in receiving further information and an application
should visit the Odyssey Web site at http://www.odysseyworkshop.org, or
send a self-addressed stamped envelope to Odyssey, 20 Levesque Lane,
Box G, Mont Vernon, NH 03057. The Web site includes information about
expenses and scholarships.
MIDWEST "WRITING JAM" WRITER RETREATS
Short story writer and now novelist Tobias Buckell has announced two
"Writing Jam" sessions for the summer, a 3-day one in June and a 7-day
one in July. Many writers go to conventions to network and talk shop,
so he decided to set up a retreat for similar reasons and also get
some writing done! The retreats will be held in new student housing at
Bluffton College, where he works, in rural northwest Ohio.
3-Day Writing Jam Weekend: June 18th, 19th, 20th
$150 (room, 2 meals a day, and lunch) w/roomate
Description: This workshop is for 3 days of working on short fiction
surrounded by the energy of other motivated writers. Requirements:
For "intermediate" to "pro" writers with previous workshop experience
or previously sold stories. Size is to be 8-13 participants.
One Week Writing Jam
July 12th-18th
$299 (room, 2 meals a day) w/roomate
Description: 7 days of working on your fiction surrounded by other
motivated writers. Requirements: For "intermediate" writers with
previous workshop experience or previously sold stories.
To find out more information about the location, facilities, or
schedule, or to apply to attend, email Tobias Buckell at
torhyth@sff.net (torhyth at sff dot net) with the subject line
WORKSHOP.
WORKSHOP FOCUS CHATS
Mark your calendars for the following upcoming writing chats:
Focus on . . . Todd Field!
Wednesday, March 24, 2004 @ 8 pm EST
Focus on . . . Kishma Danielle!
Wednesday, March 31, 2004 @ 7 pm EST
Focus on . . . Kevin Kibelstis!
Wednesday, April 7, 2004
Focus on . . . Marsha Sisolak!
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
Focus on . . . Karen Swanberg!
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
Focus on . . . Lisa Clardy!
Wednesday, April 28, 2004
Focus on . . . Jodi Meadows!
Wednesday, May 5, 2004
The focus stories are posted on the OWW with the word "focus" in the
title. All chats are held in the DROWWZoo chat room on AIM. For more
information, e-mail Pen Hardy or IM her at PKHardy.
APRIL WRITING CHALLENGE
Challenge Dictator Celia Marsh yields to the Crit Marathon for April,
but promises to return in May. For more information on the monthly
writing challenges, visit:
http://www.thermeon.net/checkered/Challenge.html
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Bonus payments: The workshop costs only 94 cents per week, but we know
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Price comparisons:
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| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Editors' Choices are chosen from the submissions from the previous
month that show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of
our Resident Editors. Submissions in four categories -- SF, F, horror,
and short stories -- receive a detailed review, meant to be educational
for others as well as the author.
Reviews are written by our Resident Editors, award-winning authors and
instructors Jeanne Cavelos, James Patrick Kelly, and Kelly Link,
and by experienced science-fiction and fantasy editor Jenni
Smith-Gaynor. The last four months of Editors' Choices and their
editorial reviews are archived on the workshop. Go to the "Read,
Rate, Review" page and click on "Editors' Choices."
Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors!
Editor's Choice, Fantasy Chapter/Partial Chapter:
PEBBLE AND STONE, Prologue and Chapter 1, by Susan Bolton
What caught my attention was the point of view character in the first
chapter. The Oracle considered itself without gender and referred to
itself as "Oracle" -- both a name and an identity. I really liked how
Oracle, unaware of its prognostications, seemed innocent and untainted
by its dreadful visions, yet the tone was overwhelmingly dramatic.
It's a nice setup for the coming chapters.
I'm conflicted by the prologue. On the one hand, I like the internal
monlogue-ish feeling. Pugh's reminiscing on the words that led to his
present attack on the fortified town gives the reader a nice insight
to the character. I don't yet know who Pugh is, or what his place in
the novel could be, but he feels sympathetic. I get a definite feeling
that this scene is the "ending" rather than the beginning, which makes
me feel as if there's a huge story waiting to be told. That circular
effect is a great technique for drawing the reader into the story.
On the other hand, the prologue could have worked just as well as the
opening chapter. All it needs is some further clarification of the
characters and place. There was enough mystery and setup created by
Pugh's exposition to lure me into the story, and I wanted to know what
Oracle was, who Pugh was attacking, and what had happened to bring him
to this spot. Some of the sentences were a bit awkward, but the
stilted cadence seemed to work itself out in chapter one. Be careful
of the rhythm and try to maintain a consistent pace. I preferred the
more straightforward structure of chapter one to the heavy-handed
feeling of the prologue.
The unreliable narrator of chapter one also intrigued me. It is
definitely a challenge to maintain the balance of this kind of "simple
minded" point of view character. But it can be done, and done well.
Bolton has begun to describe a very interesting character with a
unique perspective on the world. Be aware of the narrator as the novel
continues; since Oracle is a Glimpser but has no understanding or
recognition of the words it utters, the other characters need to "fill
in the blanks" for the reader. These other characters can be the
canvas for the reader to see the world and the unraveling plot. Using
another protagonist or point of view character, like Pugh in the
prologue, can help add dimension to the unreliable narrator.
I think this is an intriguing beginning to a story about a sexless
being who has an incredible talent for prognostication. It seems to
end up with a rebellion and perhaps the death of Oracle, but that will
unfold as the chapters are finished, I'm sure. Consider what purpose
the prologue has for the overall story; sometimes it might serve
better as the first chapter.
--Jenni Smith-Gaynor
Former editor, Del Rey Books
Editor's Choice, SF Chapter/Partial Chapter:
STARWARD TRAIL, Chapter 7 by Carol Hillebrenner
I might have liked to have skimmed some of earlier chapters of
STARWARD TRAIL to get a better feel for the emotional climate of this
YA science fiction novel -- but they weren't available. So I am
basing my comments on what I can surmise by jumping into this story in
media res. I was very impressed by the skill with which Carol handles
what is a difficult transition for her sixteen-year-old protagonist,
Cat.
Cat is on a colony ship escaping a future earth that would seem to be
run as a totalitarian state by CC, the evil Central Computer. During
the journey, the colonists need to enter a kind of suspended animation
called stasis, although not all of them sleep at once. Shifts (of
several hundred individuals?) go under for a year, then awake when it
is time for the next shift to enter stasis. Chapter Seven begins with
a lovely paragraph that describes Cat's sensations as she comes out of
stasis. I read this paragraph with great pleasure, because in it
Carol shows Cat's disorientation by chopping sentences into fragments.
"Her heart was a long slow beat in her chest. She was cold, dead
cold. Couldn't see. Couldn't hear either. Thought she smelled
something, not pleasant. Her tongue was glued to sticky teeth. She
took a breath and let it out. Yes, she was breathing, bad breath.
Where was she? Not her bed. Didn't smell right. Didn't feel right."
This is such a deft move! It sets us up for what I like to call a
"hot" narrative style, which is sometimes difficult to carry off in
the third person limited point of view. When I describe a narration
as "hot" I mean that there is little or no distance between the
implied author and the narrator. First person narration is naturally
"hot," in this sense. "Cool" narration, on the other hand, is that in
which the implied author stands outside perceptual field of the
narrator and may even comment on the narrator's mental states or
motivations. In my experience, YA readers are more comfortable the
hotter the narration is.
Of course, one powerhouse paragraph does not a chapter make. But as
Cat gathers her wits and her narration relaxes into a more natural
sentence structure, Carol pulls the reader along with a page of killer
sensory detail. Apparently skin tissue dies off during stasis and Cat
begins to suffer the itch to end all itches. To relieve herself she
must take a bath in low gravity. The description of this made me
squirm in disgust and delight. "(The doctor) was gone before Cat
could complain about the thick scum floating on the water. Cat started
scrubbing and nearly retched as her skin rolled off in greasy snakes.
When she couldn't tolerate the itching of her scalp another second,
she drew her knees up to her chin, took a deep breath, and sank below
the disgusting surface, rubbing her head vigorously." All together
now -- ewww! I believe it was the late, great Poul Anderson who
advised aspiring writers to put at least one of the "lesser" sensory
impressions -- touch, taste or smell -- on every page of their
manuscripts. This passage alone is vivid enough to carry the entire
chapter.
So Carol has begun well, but this is just the glitter that attracts us
to the emotional center of her chapter. Because once Cat and her
roommate Danika get cleaned up, they find that the ship and its
colonists are in turmoil. They stumble into a meeting where some talk
of turning around and heading the ship back. It turns out that
things have not gone well on earth in their absence, and although the
Central Computer is officially assuring the colonists that all is well
on the home world, the mail from friends and family is full of thinly
veiled hints of disaster. In the middle of the chapter, there is
scarifying scene in which Cat and her shift get their mail, a year's
worth of bad news compressed into a handful of messages. What makes
this section even more poignant is that, since the colony ship is
traveling at relativistic speeds, in the year that Cat has been in
stasis, seven years have passed on earth. As she reads between the
lines of the seemingly bland messages, she learns that her beloved
best friend, her distant and mentally ill mother and her father have
all died in the chaos which seems to be sweeping earth; her brother,
the last of her family, is in deadly jeopardy. Not surprisingly, Cat
is stunned and chagrinned.
And it is in the way Cat and the other colonists deal with this grim
news that left me wondering about some of the choices that Carol has
made in this chapter. I'm not exactly sure that these are flawed
choices because, as I said at the outset, I didn't have an opportunity
to read chapters 1-6. But they are certainly interesting choices.
Because while Cat and the others are stunned, they are not devastated.
There is a moment early on when Danika reveals that her radical
anti-CC parents were killed just before she boarded the ship, so that
their deaths are still very close to her in subjective time. She
begins to cry as she admits this, but then immediately puts aside her
tears. A few pages later Cat and Danika are in the mess eating with
some of the boys in their stasis shift and we suddenly find ourselves
in what seems like a typical high school cafeteria, complete with
hunky guys and airhead beauty queens. And, after reading their
horrific mail, Cat and Danika end the chapter by getting their hair
done! "Three hours later Cat looked at what Heather had done to her
in the mirror and wished it hadn't been Heather who'd made her look so
good. When she returned to their room, Dani was alone in front of the
mirror, fluffing her hair hanging like a curtain of dark-auburn silk
to her shoulders. 'She's really talented, isn't she?' Dani enthused.
'I've never looked so good.'" I give Carol kudos here for the neat
flip characterization she does with the beauty queen Heather; it turns
out that she's not an airhead at all and that when she does Cat and
Danika's hair, it is actually an act of surpassing kindness. But
still ....
But then again, I'm wondering if these girls may not already have done
all their grieving for the folks they left behind in earlier chapters,
which might help explain the sudden shifts of the emotion climate in
Chapter Seven. By stepping onto the colony ship, they knew they were
irrevocably giving up their families and their world. And after all,
this is a YA novel, and, if Carol's summary is to be believed, the
nascent flirting that is going on here is going to get much, much more
serious.
The more I thought about it, the more complex I found this chapter.
And that's a very good thing indeed. Press on, Carol!
--James Patrick Kelly
Author of STRANGE BUT NOT A STRANGER and THINK LIKE A DINOSAUR
http://www.jimkelly.net
Editor's Choice, Short Story: THE FOG by Greg Hamel
This is a nicely written, evocative, and claustrophobic piece of
fiction. The opening paragraph is engaging, and the shift in
perspective as the story builds is well-handled. The ending, although
it doesn't surprise, has a nice weight to it, because it points to two
things. Not only is Thomas possibly mistaken about what has happened
to Job, and therefore to himself, but he is possibly right to worry
about the man with the black eyes, whom the reader may have dismissed,
who figures again and again in the story.
I like very much the word choices that suggest confinement and the
realization that is, literally, closing in on Thomas. The details
chosen to describe the riders on the bus are deft. For example, the
author describes an older man and woman arguing about baseball, and
the woman "speaks as though Sandy Koufax still pitches." I would love
to see even more of this kind of detail and observation worked in
throughout the story. It falls away some as the story goes on: it's a
mistake common to all writers, to feel that the beginning must be as
rich as possible, in order to draw the reader in. That's true, but the
follow-up is also true - the rest of the story needs just as much
work, and just as much particular detail. And with a cross-country
trip on a Greyhound bus, you have plenty of opportunities for
strangeness, and detail. Give us detail like the "elderly black woman
selling ham and cheese on Wonderbread out of the back of a rusted
white station wagon", but also give us stranger things - more snippets
of conversation, or arguments, or drunks, or notices pinned up on
boards in bus stations.
For example, you could do a lot with a note saying something like
this: "Susan, call me when you get in. Are you coming home? I waited
all yesterday, and then I waited this morning. I couldn't wait
anymore." Or a religious note, "Jesus can't wait much longer."
Basically, I'd like to see this story do more with Job's refrain: "I
couldn't wait anymore." This story is built around a bus and bus
stations. There are so many opportunities to ring changes on the theme
of waiting: waiting rooms, people embracing relatives, saying things
like "Have you been waiting long for me?" Try writing something
towards the end of one of the rest stop scenes, in which Thomas almost
doesn't get back to his bus on time, and the bus driver says, as
Thomas boards, something like: "You made it just in time. I couldn't
wait anymore." I have some slight difficulties with the relationship
between Thomas and Job, and with Thomas's hesitancy/fear of his
sexuality and the feelings that he has for Job. We don't know enough
of Thomas's background to know why he is hesitating, and yet also
leading Job on. We don't even know how old these men are, or what
their lives are like. It would be a more interesting, more
convincingly complicated story if the reason for the difficulties and
estrangement weren't so simple (and so loaded). Why not either leave
the mystery a mystery, and only give us glimpses of moments in their
relationship that help the reader to really see Job and Thomas as real
and particular people? The dialogue in notes that fall onto Thomas's
seat towards the end of the story don't work. They lay the backstory
out too plainly, and they also don't sound like the way that real
people write, or even talk, and I'm not really sure who communicates
with notes any more - by phone message, yes, and by email, but not by
written notes (except, of course, for suicide notes.)
For an example of how to show us Job and Thomas together, take a look
at this paragraph:
"He can recall the moment, walking the French Quarter in the early
hours of the morning, when he realized he wanted to respond to Job's
overtures. Swaying, Job clung to his arm, slurring happily, "My man,
my one and only," over and over in a happy, drunken soliloquy. That
was when Thomas knew, because he heard those words, and felt Job
clinging to him, and realized that he loved it."
I would suggest reworking this, and cutting out the parts that
explain, so that all the reader gets is the vivid, moving moment of
connection:
He recalls one night, or rather, early one morning, walking the French
Quarter. Swaying, Job clung to his arm, slurring "My man, my one and
only," over and over in a happy, drunken soliloquy."
If you like, you can embellish that moment with other particular
details. Set the scene. Use the five senses. Just don't work so hard
to tell us what it means. It's the same with the later scene, where
you tell us:
"Thankful for the moonless night that veiled the tears stinging his
eyes, Thomas turned away from Job and watched the lights down below
and far away."
All you need is: "Thomas turned away and watched the lights down below
and far away." And then, again, you can go put in the kinds of detail
that show us what kind of person Job is/was. Maybe Job could continue
to embellish on the theme of people making love in the lights down
below - spin stories about particular people, doing particular things.
Give us enough of Job and Thomas that we can see what Thomas has lost.
Much of the time the writing is compelling and vivid, but sometimes
you've packed too many striking images or metaphors too tightly. For
example, in the sentence "People pack the narrow seats of the coffin
of a bus, a gaudy purple and blue monstrosity with racing greyhounds
swooping over the windows", you're trying too hard to make the bus
eye-catching, all in one gulp. Instead, consider how to give a bit
more breathing space to the sentence - here's one possibility: "People
pack the narrow coffin seats of the bus, a gaudy purple and blue
monstrosity. Greyhounds swoop over the windows." You could even extend
the metaphor the greyhounds "swooping". In that same paragraph, watch
that you don't use the same sentence rhythm ""It had promised"/"He had
boarded"/"He had stopped". Also note that you've used the verb
"promise" already, in the first paragraph, to better effect.
Beware of overly striking sentences (and words, like "orbs" - what's
wrong with "eyes?") like "His eyes were black orbs and Thomas quickly
looks away, feeling like rats are running on his spine." Don't force
the meaning of reading so hard. Let the reader do the work. Also,
avoid prose, as much as possible, prose like "a grin tugs on his
lips." It's cutesy. Look at the second half of that paragraph if you
rework it like so: "Across the aisle sits a tall, lanky man, who, when
Thomas looks at him, fixes a black-eyed stare on him. Thomas quickly
looks away. "Where you headed?" the man asks. Thomas shrugs and the
man laughs. When Thomas turns back, the man is looking forward,
ignoring Thomas. He's grinning."
Avoid grammatical constructions like "with a fragile build that hid
surprising strength." Much better to tell us that "Job looked fragile,
but he was surprisingly strong." Then give us a concrete example that
shows us how Job was surprisingly strong.
Most writers find that their paragraphs can be trimmed by a sentence
or two. Cut, cut, cut anything that doesn't feel essential, cut
anything that does something that you've already done before. For
example, when the guy in the next seat, Carlos, asks Thomas where he's
going:
""New York," Thomas says, and something in the way he says it kills
the conversation. Carlos goes back to watching the scrub sail past the
bus, perhaps counting the miles to his destination. Thomas does not
know how many miles there are to his own destination. Enough, he
hopes."
You don't need anything except for:
""New York," Thomas says, and something in the way he says it kills
the conversation. Carlos goes back to watching the scrub sail past the
bus."
For the same reason, I would suggest paring down and cutting off the
ends of paragraphs like this one:
"The people and walls are in Thomas's lungs, and he has to force each
breath. The world seems to have become smaller, so that its edges are
a constant presence in the periphery. In passing faces he sees Job, in
passing voices he hears Job. He wants to scream over the cacophony
assaulting him, but settles for collapsing into a seat and closing his
eyes while he waits for the next bus."
Instead: "The people and walls are in Thomas's lungs, and he has to
force each breath. The world seems to have become smaller. In passing
faces he sees Job, in passing voices he hears Job." Then you cut to
the memory of Job: keep the prose tight and focused.
One last example of the honing that I would suggest:
"New Mexico was endless. Texas is infinity, and the bus moves through
a never-changing landscape of blackness and lights. The bus itself is
emptiness punctuated by small clutches of humanity, and Thomas sits
alone in the window seat and watches the nothingness go by. There are
other cars, trucks, busses, the highway, signs and the occasional
building. Rows of dark shadows mark oil fields. The world is small, an
iron lung that presses in on the periphery of his vision."
There is some really gorgeous writing here, but you're overdoing it by
just a little, and then the gorgeous stuff gets lost. So:
"New Mexico was endless. Texas is infinity, and the bus moves through
a never-changing landscape of blackness and lights. Thomas sits alone
in the window seat and watches the nothingness go by. Rows of dark
shadows mark oil fields. The world is small, an iron lung that presses
in on the periphery of his vision."
One last suggestion that has to do with timing. Early on, when Thomas
sees Job in the bathroom, you tell us:
"In the other hand Job clutches a note. Thomas knows that it reads, I
couldn't wait anymore.
Job dies behind him, and Thomas keeps splashing more and more water on
his face, but it is cold, as cold as he is, and finally he stops and
turns to confront the empty room behind him."
How about reworking it like this:
"In the other hand Job clutches a note. Thomas knows what it says.
Job dies behind him, and Thomas keeps splashing more and more water on
his face, but it is cold, as cold as he is, and finally he stops and
turns to confront the empty room behind him.
I couldn't wait anymore."
Good luck with this story, and with rewriting. All good stories need
reworking and polishing and close, careful attention at the sentence
level.
--Kelly Link
Editor of TRAMPOLINE, available from Small Beer Press
http://www.kellylink.net/
Editor's Choice, Horror:
THE PILOT, THE DREAMWEAVER, Chapter 1 by Norm Wright
This is an intriguing opening to a novel, with some emotional action
and compelling plot questions to keep us reading. You show a good
understanding of pacing, and I believe you do a good job of
manipulating the pacing through the chapter, such as when you slow
events with description as Kendra walks down the hall to get the
sugar, heightening the tension.
Right now, I feel there is one element preventing this chapter, which
has so much potential, from realizing that potential and being a truly
involving and striking opening. That is the writing itself. So I'm
going to point out some of the stylistic weaknesses that struck me as
I was reading.
* Character's Voice/POV:
Generally, we're in a close limited third-person POV in this chapter,
limited to Kendra's head. When we're in this kind of close POV, then
the writing style itself, the narrative voice, reflects the voice of
the POV character. In this case, I felt the voice and POV were
inconsistent, so I kept getting yanked in and out of Kendra's head,
and I couldn't get a consistent sense of Kendra's character. Some
examples:
"But she couldn't rightly have her tea without sugar." This phrasing
sounds British to me. At the least, it doesn't sound American. So I
decide Kendra is British. The fact that she's a tea drinker
reinforces this. But the phrasing of the rest of the chapter doesn't
sound British. So I'm left confused, without a clear sense of her.
Continuing the paragraph,
"No sir, that was about as ridiculous as a sandwich without bread.
But here was something even more ridiculous than breadless sandwiches:
the sugar jar was empty." This seems like an author falling into a
simile and then taking it too far, when it really doesn't belong. I
don't know anyone who would think this stuff. It sounds like she's
mentally disabled in some way. But then I don't know why she'd be
working as a nurse and have such major responsibilities.
A few paragraphs later, she calls the ICU staff "cats." This further
confuses me. I don't know this expression, and I'm trying to figure
out if it's British, some result of mental confusion, or what. Kendra
is not gelling as a consistent, believable character.
Then, "'Well, I'll just have to take it right back,' Kendra said to
herself. She grabbed her hot cup of unsweetened chamomile and stepped
out of her break room. This room was part of the maternity ward." We
begin the passage in the close third-person POV we've been in thus
far. But the last sentence is clearly not from Kendra's POV. She
wouldn't think this. She knows it. Instead, an omniscient narrator
has suddenly intruded into the story and is giving us this
information. Both the character and the POV are undermined by this.
Instead, you need to stay in Kendra's head, and find another way of
conveying necessary information. In this case, I don't think you need
this info at all.
"Up ahead, around a corner, was what Kendra herself called the Gallery
or the Showcase." What she calls it reflects her personality. You
need to pick one of these to send us a clear signal about Kendra.
"Gallery" suggests someone with exposure to the arts, whereas
"Showcase" is more of a game-show or Las Vegas term, implying a more
blue-collar background. Neither one really shows sympathy toward the
babies, since both suggest they are inanimate objects. This little
example really shows my overall point here. Each word you choose in
this close POV reflects Kendra's character. I don't feel you're
choosing your words correctly to convey a strong, consistent,
believable character. This leaves me disbelieving your story, and not
really involved emotionally. I have a similar problem with the
simile, "as strangely calm as a sunbather on the beach of Normandy."
"An infant girl as pink as the blanket she slept in rolled ungainly
from side to side on her back--like a turtle on its shell--and kicked
two clumsy feet in the air." This is a key moment where you need to
make the reader care about these babies (so we'll be upset when they
die), and where you need to show how much Kendra loves the babies
(which you've told us, but you haven't yet shown us). But this
sentence accomplishes neither requirement. The image of an ungainly,
clumsy baby like a turtle certainly doesn't earn my sympathy. And it
doesn't show me that Kendra loves the baby. When Kendra compares the
baby to a turtle, that makes me think she has little sympathy for it.
It's just an animal to her. I almost get the feeling that she'd like
to hurt the baby, as a kid will knock a turtle onto its back and poke
it with a stick. In addition, I don't believe this sleeping baby is
kicking her feet and rolling from side to side. It just doesn't sound
like she's sleeping. And when you start the sentence by saying she's
in a blanket, I picture her all wrapped up, which conflicts with the
image of her feet kicking in the air. So I don't get a clear image
either. Also, "rolled ungainly" is incorrect grammatically, unless
you set "ungainly" off with commas.
I think that what's happening is that you're trying to come up with a
vivid way to describe a baby, but you're not thinking about how Kendra
would see the baby, and you're not thinking about the emotion you want
to evoke with this description. Always keep those things in mind when
you're writing description. The description of the explosion and the
stranger, in a similar way, don't reflect the way Kendra would
experience them. For example, you have Kendra describing the stranger
wearing sunglasses when his back is to her.
"Five minutes would be the longest she'd ever stepped away from her
post"--you tell me this, but I don't believe it. I don't know her
well enough to know this. Sugar in tea seems a very minor reason to
leave babies alone, and if she's willing to do that, then my guess is
she's willing to leave the babies to go to the bathroom, visit with a
friend, change her shoes, get something out of her car, or whatever.
Also, I can't believe this is the first time she's ever run out of tea
or sugar.
If you truly show me her love and devotion toward these babies (by
having her interact with them), and convey more convincingly how
important her sugar is, maybe I'll buy it. The sugar thing is just
tough to accept as a sufficient reason. Maybe if all of the babies
are in good health and all are sleeping soundly, that would help. The
truth is, I never doubt she's going for the sugar, so it seems like
this is not a big decision for her (meaning that leaving the babies is
not a big deal to her). If her first reaction is to think that she'll
just have her tea without sugar, or skip the tea altogether, and only
after some thought changes her mind, that might work better.
"The first alarm was so loud it was scaring some of the patients in
the other rooms." This is a POV shift. Another POV shift occurs when
"people stepped past the collapsed and weeping Kendra Blevins and took
a glimpse at the ruin. The entire 'Gallery' had exploded." You are
shifting to the POV of the other people. In addition, Kendra will not
think of herself suddenly as "Kendra Blevins." There's a great
discussion of this in THE ART OF FICTION.
* Weak verbs:
As we all know, verbs are action words. Strong verbs bring energy to
your sentences. Weak verbs create weak sentences. "To be" is a very
weak verb, because the action that it describes is not running,
jumping, shouting, shooting, punching, screaming--it's being. That's
not a very exciting action. You use this verb a lot, far more than
necessary. For example, "That was where the babies were. There were
seven tonight. Tomorrow morning, there would only be six." These
sentences provide no clear images of the babies, nothing for us to get
attached to. All they establish is the number of babies, which isn't
the most important thing and doesn't require three sentences.
If you can focus more on these details of word choice and imagery, and
create a more consistent POV and voice, I think you can significantly
strengthen this chapter. I hope my comments are helpful.
--Jeanne Cavelos
http://www.odysseyworkshop.org/
| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop recognizes members who
have given useful, insightful reviews. After all, that's what makes
the workshop go, so we want to give great reviewers a little
well-earned recognition!
If you got a really useful review and would like to add the reviewer
to the Reviewer Honor Roll, use our online honor-roll nomination form
-- log in and link to it from the bottom of the Reviewer Honor
Roll page at http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml.
Your nomination will appear on the first day of the next calendar
month.
The Honor Roll will show all March nominations beginning April 1.
Here are some advance highlights from the March honor roll:
Reviewer: Carol Seck
Submission: "A Difficult Customer" by Devanshu Mehta
Submitted by: Devanshu Mehta
Nominator's Comments: Since this was one of my first stories, her
line-by-line critique helped immensely. Overall it was constructive
criticism which will help me a lot during my next draft.
Reviewer: Eric Bauman
Submission: "Echoes of Beauty" by Michael Pignatella
Submitted by: Michael Pignatella
Nominator's Comments: Eric provided an extremely detailed review, not
only pointing out where he thought my story broke down or could be
improved, but also providing concrete examples of how to do so.
Really helpful and appreciated.
Reviewers nominated to the honor roll during February include: Mads
Birkvig (2), Travis Blair, Aaron Brown, Greg Byrne, Rick Dwyer, Mike
Farrell, Rhonda S. Garcia, Michael Goodwind (3), Ilona Gordon, Robert
Haynes (2), R E Kelleher, Karen Mayer, Helen Mazarakis (2), Roger
McCook, Jennifer Michaels, Lizzie Newell, Pamela OBrien, Lawrence
Payne, Carol Seck, Randy Simpson, Gene Spears (2), Tracey Stewart (2).
We congratulate them all for their excellent reviews. All nominations
received in February can be still found until April 1 at:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml
| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
We can't announce them if you don't let us know! So drop Charlie a
line at support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com whenever you have good
news to share.
Sales and Publications:
John Joseph Adams is going to have an audiobook review column in
_Locus_, starting in July 2004. Looks like it'll run quarterly for
now.
Deb Atwood sold "For You" to Flash Me (http://flash.to/flashme) for
their April 30th issue. She writes: "The story was inspired by the
picture game. I workshopped it last spring and thank you to those who
helped me make it better and find it a home!"
Hannah Bowen sold workshop grad "Steal a Heart" to _Alchemy_, with a
"To which we say: Eee! Should be in the third issue, next fall."
Wendy S. Delmater has her first print sale! Her short story "Little
Green Men" was accepted by children's magazine _Beyond Centauri_. She
tells us, "This was the first short story I'd ever attempted, and had
a lovely string of rejects around it's neck before I sent it out, yet
again, after a brief rewrite." And _Flash Me_
(http://flash.to/flashme) took "Snake Oil." She sends "a special
thank-you to last minute reviewers Tonya Liburd, Rebecca Simkin and
Melinda Kimberly who reviewed the final draft."
Rhonda Eudaly sold "Where Have All the Standards Gone?", an article on
Standard Manuscript Format, to _CyberOasis_
(http://www.sunoasis.com/oasis.html).
Stella Evans had two stories published in March: "Louisa, Johnny, and
the North Shore Huldre" at _Strange Horizons_
(http://www.strangehorizons.com/) and "Chart 0052834912-31" at
_Fortean Bureau_ (http://forteanbureau.com).
Mark Fewel had another great month! His story "The Demon And The Slave
Trade" appears in the March issue of _Multiverse Magazine_
(http://www.multiversemagazine.com/content/monthly/0403/demon.php).
His story "Somewhere The Banshee Is Screaming" sold to _AlienSkin_
(http://www.alienskinmag.com)--this was an Editor's Choice story on
the horror workshop under the title "How I Learned To Love The
Banshee." And "Too Many Mistakes" sold to _Flash Me_
(http://www.flash.to/flashme). About the last story, he tells us,
"This was written as part of the second-person challenge, which makes
it my second challenge story to sell within the past month. Though
originally written in second person, I had to rewrite it into first
person to get the editors at FLASH ME to accept it."
Charles Coleman Finlay sold "The Factwhore Proposition," which he
workshopped maybe three years ago as "Begging the Question," to new
webzine _Furutismic_
(http://www.futurismic.com/about/guidelines.html). And he heard from
Steve Nagy, the editor at _Marsdust_ (http://www.marsdust.com), that
"Lucy, In Her Splendor," published there last April, has been selected
for THE MAMMOTH BOOK OF BEST NEW HORROR #15.
Look for Kyri Freeman's "Swansong" in a special summer flash issue of
_Abyss & Apex_ (http://www.klio.net/abyssandapex/).
Carole McDonnell has two great sales! Her story "Lingua Franca" has
been accepted by Nalo Hopkinson for the anthology SO LONG BEEN
DREAMING: POSTCOLONIAL SCIENCE FICTION, while "Black is the Color of
My True Love's Hair" will appear in FANTASTIC VISIONS VOLUME III. She
told the mailing list "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" but added, "don't worry I
don't use as many exclamations in my real writing as I do in my
e-mails!"
Steve Nagy's EC-winning "The Hanged Man of Oz," which originally
appeared in the anthology GATHERING THE BONES (just out in paperback),
has been selected for THE MAMMOTH BOOK OF BEST NEW HORROR #15, edited
by Stephen Jones. And, says Steve, "it's also getting an honorable
mention in the forthcoming YEAR'S BEST FANTASY AND HORROR."
Kenneth Rapp just made his first sale ever! "Dead is Dead" will appear
in the May issue of _AlienSkin_ (http://www.alienskinmag.com). After
shouting "HEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHOOOOOO!" to the mailing list, he added,
"...all I needed was one sale, one friggin' sale to tell me I had a
chance at this. And it was a workshopped story, too!"
David Reagan just sold his first story, and "damned," he says, "if I
didn't almost cry." "Eternal Kitten" will appear in the glossy _Indy
Men's Magazine_. "It was workshopped twice, going back to January of
'02, so thanks are due to: Jason H., Frances Beardsley, John McMullen,
Dillon Samuels, Gareth Dyson, Steve Kornic, Carol Seck, Jo Van de
Walle, Roger McCook, Nigel Atkinson, Mike Farrell, Lee Battersby,
Lonnie Stanley, Matthew Frederick Davis Hemming, Randy Simpson, and
Toms Kreicbergs. Thanks to the rest of you, for making this whole
process a little bit easier."
John Schoffstall has been accepted to Clarion! We wish him much success.
Jeff Spock's short-short "The Price of Loyalty" has been accepted by
_Elysian Fiction_ (http://www.elysianfiction.com). He says, "I wrote
it because this idea keeps coming back to me all the time in my
fiction: What happens when the good guys have won, the space opera
ends, and the apocryphal fat lady finishes her song? I mean, what the
heck do the good guys do next?" We hate to comment, but since this is
a short-short, maybe the answer is: not much. Or not! Read it yourself
to find out.
Mikal Trimm just sold "Cable And The High Seas" to _Andromeda Spaceways
Inflight Magazine_ for issue 16. It's the third Cable story he's written,
and the third one he's sold.
Jaime Voss just sold her first story! "Forever Lost" will appear in
_Arabella Romances_ sometime next year. She said, briefly, "I sold a
story! 10 cents a word!"
Mary Wilson sold "Choosing Alone" to _AlienSkin_
(http://www.alienskinmag.com). "A huge thanks to everyone at OWW who
took a critique at this story, which was very dear to my heart. I'm
so glad that it finally found a home after a bazillion rejections."
| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Number of members as of 3/20: 719 paying, 101 trial
Number of submissions currently online: 731
Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 75.9%
Percent of submissions with zero reviews: 3.6%
Average reviews per submission (all submissions): 5.14
Estimated average review word count (all submissions): 631.39
Number of submissions in February: 559
Number of reviews in February: 2524
Ratio of reviews/submissions in February: 4.52
Estimated average word count per review in February: 680.46
Number of submissions in March to date: 317
Number of reviews in March to date: 1411
Ratio of reviews/submissions in March to date: 4.45
Estimated average word count per review in March to date: 667.97
Total number of under-reviewed submissions: 55 (7.5% of total subs)
Number over 3 days old with 0 reviews: 3
Number over 1 week old with under 2 reviews: 16
Number over 2 weeks old with under 3 reviews: 36
| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
TIPS
Got a helpful tip for your fellow members? A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission? Share it with us and we'll publish it in the next
newsletter. Just send it to support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com and
we'll do the rest.
Until next month -- just write!
The Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
| - - Copyright 2004 Online Writing Workshops - - - - - - - - - - - |
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