O | The Online Writing Workshop for SF, F & H Newsletter, April 2004
W | http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!
| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
- Workshop News:
OWW launches new fiction workshop
April crit marathon
Strange Horizons fund drive
Odyssey workshop 2004
Midwest "Writing Jam" writer retreats
Workshop focus chats
May writing challenge
Market information
Membership payment information
- Editors' Choices for March submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Tip: Forming a local writers' group
| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
It's award season again! Darren Moore's "Hunter" won first place in the
Bard's Ink short story contest. This year two workshoppers made the
short list for the James Tiptree, Jr. Memorial Award
(http://www.tiptree.org/2003/index.html), Sandra McDonald for "The Ghost
Girls of Rumney Mill" (_Realms Of Fantasy_, August 2003) and Ruth
Nestvold for "Looking Through Lace" (_Asimov's_, September 2003). And
Karin Lowachee, author of WARCHILD and BURNDIVE, is a finalist for the
John W. Campbell Award for Best New Writer, which will be voted on with
the Hugos for Worldcon. OWW's Resident Editor for SF, James Patrick
Kelly, is also on the Hugo Ballot for Best Novelette with "Bernardo's
House."
Congratulations to Darren, Sandra and Ruth and good luck to Karin and
Jim!
OWW LAUNCHES NEW FICTION WORKSHOP
OWW's latest workshop, the Online Writing Workshop for Fiction, is
online and ready to be played around with. Er, beta-tested. It
includes a Mystery category. We will be testing through April, and
launching around the beginning of May. After that, it will be free for
at least a few months. If you want to help us test, simply go sign up
for a membership: http://fiction.onlinewritingworkshop.com
Here's what you need to know to help us test:
--We are pretty sure the software behind the new workshop will work
well, because it's the same as our current software for the other
workshops. So what we are looking for are missing files, typos,
references to SF, fantasy, horror or romance that don't belong, graphics
that we forgot to change to green, or places where the fiction-specific
details require extra explanation we have forgotten to add.
--But if you find a problem with the functions of the workshop, by all
means let us know about it!
--Use the "E-mail us" link at the top of the workshop page, to send us a
report of a typo, out-of-place reference, bug, or problem. Or use this
URL: http://fiction.onlinewritingworkshop.com/contact.shtml
--Please try out as many workshop features as you can. If you find a
problem, see if it happens over and over again (this is called a
"repeatable bug" and is the best type!). Then report to us what you did
(which page you were on), and what happened as a result. Cutting and
pasting error messages is handy!
--Feel free to contribute silly submissions and reviews if you like, to
test things out, but delete them when you're done, so that when we
officially launch the submissions and reviews that remain are real ones.
--Please only create one membership for yourself.
We've created this workshop because of numerous member requests, and
think it complements what we're doing in Romance and Science Fiction,
Fantasy & Horror. Let us know what you think!
APRIL CRIT MARATHON
The third annual April Crit Marathon is drawing to a close with only one
more day to go. As of midnight, April 19th, the 59 marathoners had done
1161 marathon reviews, which is 52.34% of the 2218 reviews done on the
workshop in that time.
Even during the marathon, critiquing is about quality, not quantity. So
nominate your helpful reviews for the Honor Roll now!
The under-reviewed submission list remains empty. Over 93% of all
submissions currently have three or more reviews. And the average number
of reviews per submission on the workshop is currently 6.03.
Everyone who completes 21 reviews during the marathon is in the Luck o'
the Draw prize drawing. According to marathon organizer Pen Hardy, the
current leaders in the various prize categories are:
The leader for overall highest number of crits is . . . Linda Dicmanis,
with 133.
The New-Bee leader (most crits by someone beginning the marathon with no
bees) is Craig Hickman, with 51! (damselfly m & Kelly Morisseau have 17
each; Kevin Raybould has 14.)
The leader for highest number of chapter crits is . . . Linda Dicmanis,
with 114. (Kat Allen has 73; Jodi Meadows has 59; C. Scavella Burrell
has 56.)
The leader for highest number of cross-genre crits is . . . Linda
Dicmanis, with 20. (Kat Allen has 16; Stella Evans has 12; Marianne
Keesee has 10.)
The leader for highest number of fantasy crits is . . . Linda Dicmanis,
with 88. (C. Scavella Burrell has 70; Jodi Meadows has 55; Kat Allen
has 44.)
The leader for highest number of horror crits is . . . Bonnie Freeman,
with 31! (Marianne Keesee has 27; Craig Hickman has 22; cat freeze has
5.)
The leader for highest number of science fiction crits is . . . Steve
Bergstrom, with 43. (Bonnie Freeman has 34; Linda Dicmanis & C.
Scavella Burrell have 21 each.)
Prizes -- all donated by other workshop members -- include professional
Web site design, gift baskets, books, t-shirts, necklaces, and expert
critiques. We'll have a complete wrap-up next month announcing all the
winners.
Thanks to all the marathoners and especially to the indispensable Pen
Hardy for organizing this year's run!
STRANGE HORIZONS FUND DRIVE
_Strange Horizons_ (http://www.strangehorizons.com), the volunteer-run,
award-nominated webzine of speculative fiction, is having one of its two
annual fund drives. Although _Strange Horizons_ pays professional rates
for fiction, helping new writers qualify to join SFWA, they give their
fiction away for free. In order to continue to operate, they rely on
reader donations. They also actively pursue funding from charitable
organizations to match their reader contributions.
With the April fund drive more than half over, SH was still less than
halfway to its goal a few days ago. They're trying to raise $2,000 US,
which is only about 15% of their total budget, the rest coming from
their other fund drive and from a few major donors. The more people who
contribute, the easier it is for them to get big contributions.
It's easy to contribute online through PayPal, but they take
contributions by check and money order too. All donations are tax
deductible. Everyone who contributes $25 or more is eligible for the
prize drawing, which include extremely-limited-edition books and other
cool items for fiction lovers.
For more: http://www.strangehorizons.com/fund_drives/200404/main.shtml
ODYSSEY WRITING WORKSHOP 2004
The deadline for the 2004 Odyssey writing workshop, run by OWW's
Resident Editor for Horror Jeanne Cavelos, has now passed. The
writer-in-residence for 2004 is George R. R. Martin, with guest
lecturers including award-winning authors Catherine Asaro, Ellen
Kushner, Delia Sherman, and Barry B. Longyear, bestseller Bob Mayer, and
award-winning editor/writer Gardner Dozois.
Watch http://www.odysseyworkshop.org for information on the 2005 workshop!
MIDWEST "WRITING JAM" WRITER RETREATS
Short story writer and now novelist Tobias Buckell has announced two
"Writing Jam" sessions for the summer, a 3-day one in June and a 7-day
one in July. Many writers go to conventions to network and talk shop,
so he decided to set up a retreat for similar reasons and also get some
writing done! The retreats will be held in new student housing at
Bluffton College, where he works, in rural northwest Ohio.
The sessions are currently a little more than 50% full. For more
information, including cost and location, check out the Jam website:
http://workshop.tobiasbuckell.com
WORKSHOP FOCUS CHATS
Mark your calendars for the following upcoming writing chats:
Focus on . . . Karen Swanberg!
Wednesday, April 21, 2004 @ 7 pm EDT
Focus on . . . Lisa Clardy!
Wednesday, April 28, 2004 @ 7 pm EDT
Focus on . . . Jodi Meadows!
Wednesday, May 5, 2004
Focus on . . . Ruth Nestvold!
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
Focus on . . . Tom Grady!
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
Focus on . . . Mary Wilson!
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Focus on . . . Melinda Goodin!
Wednesday, June 2, 2004
The focus stories are posted on the OWW with the word "focus" in the
title. All chats are held in the DROWWZoo chat room on AIM. For more
information, e-mail Pen Hardy or IM her at PKHardy.
MAY WRITING CHALLENGE
Challenge Dictator Celia Marsh yielded to the Crit Marathon this month.
For more information on the monthly writing challenges, visit:
http://www.thermeon.net/checkered/Challenge.html
MARKET INFORMATION
_Zoetrope: All-Story_ has three future issues planned:
An issue of "first stories," i.e. the author's first published
professional sale; an "over-60" issue, in which all stories are by
authors over the age of 60; and lastly, an "all science" issue, for
which they will accept science fiction stories, with an emphasis on the
_science_.
Keep in mind that _Zoetrope: All-Story_ considers itself a literary
magazine, whose stories focus on character developement, etc. Stories
must be in the range of approximately 4000 to 8000 words. Payment is
$1000 per story, and because the magazine is tied directly to Francis
Ford Coppola's production company, American Zoetrope, there's always the
possibility that your story could be optioned for a movie.
Be aware that these issues are not scheduled, per se. The editors are
accepting stories in these categories, and when they have accepted
enough stories to fill the issue, then that particular issue is
scheduled for publication. This means there is no hard deadline, but the
longer one waits, the more chance there is that the issue will be
filled.
The mailing address for submissions is:
Zoetrope: All-Story
916 Kearny St.
San Francisco, CA 94133
MEMBERSHIP PAYMENT INFORMATION
How to pay: In the U.S., you can pay by PayPal or send us a check or
money order. Outside of the U.S., you can pay via PayPal (though
international memberships incur a small set-up fee); pay via Kagi
(www.kagi.com--easier for non-U.S. people); send us a check in U.S.
dollars drawn on a U.S. bank (many banks can do this for you for a
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and some post offices). If none of those options work for you, you
can send us U.S. dollars through the mail if you choose, or contact us
about barter if you have interesting goods to barter (not services).
Scholarship fund and gift memberships: you can give a gift membership
for another member; just send us a payment by whatever method you
like, noting who the membership is for and specifying whether the gift
is anonymous or not. We will acknowledge receipt to you and the
member. Or you can donate to our scholarship fund, which we use to
fully or partially cover the costs of an initial paying membership for
certain active, review-contributing members whose situations do not
allow them to pay the full membership fee themselves.
Bonus payments: The workshop costs only 94 cents per week, but we know
that many members feel that it's worth much more to them. So here's
your chance to award us with a bonus on top of your membership fee.
For example, is the workshop worth five dollars a month to you? Award
us a $11 bonus along with your $49 membership fee. 25% of any bonus
payments we receive will go to our support staff, sort of like a tip
for good personal service. The rest will be tucked away to lengthen
the shoestring that is our budget and keep us running!
For more information:
Payments: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships.shtml
Bonus payments and information about our company:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/bonuspayments.shtml
Price comparisons:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships_comparison.shtml
| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Editors' Choices are chosen from the submissions from the previous
month that show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of
our Resident Editors. Submissions in four categories -- SF, F, horror,
and short stories -- receive a detailed review, meant to be educational
for others as well as the author.
Reviews are written by our Resident Editors, award-winning authors and
instructors Jeanne Cavelos, James Patrick Kelly, and Kelly Link,
and by experienced science-fiction and fantasy editor Jenni
Smith-Gaynor. The last four months of Editors' Choices and their
editorial reviews are archived on the workshop. Go to the "Read,
Rate, Review" page and click on "Editors' Choices."
Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors!
Editor's Choice, Fantasy Chapter/Partial Chapter:
THE EMPEROR'S KNIFE, Chapter 6 by Helen Mazarakis
In a novel about insanity, disease, and secrets, the plot starts to move
quickly in this chapter. I was intrigued by the desert setting, the idea
of a disease that manifests itself on the skin as symbols, and a prince
who should be dead but was spared.
I was drawn into this chapter by the unusual conversation Sarmin, the
emperor's only living brother, had with the images on his walls. I
wasn't sure where he saw the faces -- it was unclear if the images were
part of wall carvings or merely shadows seen through an insane man's
eyes. I'm not totally convinced that what he sees isn't really there
since there aren't enough details about the world to show that angels
and demons don't, in fact, exist. Perhaps he's had previous
conversations in earlier chapters that clarify Sarmin's particular
psychosis. A bit more world-building woven throughout this early section
of the novel would help make Sarmin's scenes have more impact.
The symbols on Emperor Beyon's chest are an indication of some kind of
disease we're told either kills the host or turns the host into a
Carrier. Because I haven't read the earlier chapters, I'm not sure why
the third option--that Beyon is neither dying nor a Carrier--is
plausible. If Carriers are a horrible menace, we might need to be subtly
reminded why Beyon's immunity is so important to the plot.
We see in chapter six that carving those symbols with a special knife
releases something, but that something is never really described. And
since the entire scene is from the point of view of a man who speaks to
imagined faces in the wall, the impact is somewhat dampened. "For a
moment, only the thickening of silence into something too heavy to
bear." This is an awkward sentence and would be tighter as, "For a
moment, the silence thickened into something too heavy to bear." We see
"it rising from unknown depths" and then "It hit". And then moments
later, "A pattern spread across the walls... carved in slashes from
which light bled, like that of dying suns.... It lifted him. He stood
transfixed, pinned, skinned in blood-lit patterning."
This is a crucial moment, but the melodramatic descriptions diminish the
terror. It reminds me of Lovecraftian fiction, and perhaps that's what
Mazarakis is striving to impress. But I would not use the word "carved"
to describe "a pattern spreading across the walls" since a carved
pattern would be stationary. And using the term, "skinned" gives the
impression that Sarmin is no longer wearing his own flesh. I think
Mazarakis was trying to show that Sarmin was covered in patterns that
glowed a blood-red color, but it's a very awkward metaphor since blood
is not an illuminant. These descriptions don't ground me in the action,
the character, or the menace, and I suggest finding a more concise way
of illustrating this crucial plot point.
This chapter is split between scenes with Sarmin and scenes with Eyul.
Eyul has met Gamalia, a wizard from the Tower. She wears a white hooded
robe. Eyul has a limp from an injury. And he is not a young man.
Grounding details help create a world, characters, and action. There are
some wonderful details sprinkled throughout this story. Gamalia has a
velvet, growling laugh. The hissing sound of moving sand is menacing in
an empty city that rose suddenly from the ground. A handful of physical
descriptions will help the reader visualize the characters and
strengthen the actions and emotions being constructed. Not only can the
grounding details illustrate the physical nature of the characters, but
it can also help show the emotional spirit, the "voice" that connects to
the reader.
There's a lot of great potential in this unfolding story. The sense of
doom and impending catastrophe is very apparent. But be aware of the
grounding details--they can help narrow the focus and keep the story
from feeling too distant. Helen Mazarakis and her collaborator have
concocted an intriguing premise that is sure to be a gripping read.
--Jenni Smith-Gaynor
Former editor, Del Rey Books
Editor's Choice, SF Chapter/Partial Chapter:
THE COUSINS OF SEDE, Chapter 6, The Ethics Of Sex And Love by Martha
Knox
If you ask me, the most difficult job we science fiction writers are
expected to do is write convincing aliens. Please note the adjective
"convincing."
Just about anyone can dab some green paint on a character, stick fake
stalks out of the sides of her neck, paste rubber frown lines rippling
down her forehead and voila: the ambassador from Anfalusia.
Unfortunately, all too often it turns out that planet Anfalusia is
actually a suburb of Chicago or perhaps located somewhere in Marin
County. In THE COUSINS OF SEDE, Martha Knox makes a gallant attempt to
capture intelligent alien life in prose; while she does not entirely
succeed to my taste, she comes much, much closer than many published
pros.
The opening of Chapter 6, The Ethics Of Sex And Love is a grabber. Our
alien protagonist (all the characters in this chapter are aliens) Shabba
is paging through "the Tulubian book of love" which contains such
admonitions as: "In general, married citizens should remain faithful.
Adultery should occur only when a citizen experiences passions to the
point of distraction and feelings are mutual." and "Citizens with
offspring should divorce after their child or children have matured.
Citizens without offspring should divorce when relationships become
tedious."
Although "the Tulubian book of love" is something of a misnomer, in that
the text as quoted outlines rules of sexual commitment and separation
rather than recipes for romantic love, Martha nevertheless proposes an
interesting alternative to the readers' received notions of marriage.
Shabba, a Wakitian, comes from a different tradition than her married
Tulubian lover, Markis, and would seem to be studying this book in order
to help understand how he views their budding relationship. At this
point Martha had me hooked big time!
I would have loved to see this alternate social pattern explored in all
its implications, but in this chapter at least it is undercut by the
arrival of Dona, a student, who reads through the book and is then
horrified by its radical prescriptions. "'This is terrible. I never
realized how deviant Tulubian customs were.' Dona said. 'Deviant?'
Shabba repeated. 'That's all a matter of how you look at it.' 'Perhaps,'
Dona said." Later when Shabba, who is pregnant with Markis's child,
proposes that they settle into a menage a trois arrangement with
Markis's wife Vido, we get this exchange. Shabba says, "'Yes, with Vido
and Om! Of course with Vido and Om! You have talked of an understanding
your generation has. Why should this bother her?'" to which Markis
replies, 'There's an understanding but it's not something Vido wants
thrown in her face!' Perhaps in later chapters we see radically alien
sexual customs, but here we get only glimpses. Nonetheless, this is
potentially great stuff!
One of the cool ways Martha attempts to convey the otherness of her
aliens is to give them a heightened sense of smell, which enables them
to express feelings by emitting odors. This is in theory a deft move,
which has admittedly been done before. But not nearly often enough, it
says here. Alas, this strategy comes across just a tad flat in this
draft. For instance, we are told that 'Dona smelled concerned' and
'The smell of sadness gradually filled the cabin.' I'd like to see
Martha push this idea more; she tells us that her characters smell
emotions but doesn't really show us. For example, what does concern
smell like? Now this is probably bad form, but the fact is that I had
to deal with this very same problem in a story a few years back, so
forgive me if I quote myself: "He smelled as sad as a cracked egg.' 'She
gave off the thin, bright smell of fear, sharp as a razor.' 'She could
smell the bloom of her own excitement, heady as wine, thick as mud.' I
must admit that I was going for a more florid style in my story, but the
point here is not to foist pages from the Kelly style book on Martha,
but to suggest that she might do well to go even deeper inside the
extraordinary sensorium of her aliens.
Having said that, I must point to a wonderful use of the smell in this
chapter. The student Beito has the hots for Shabba, so that from time
to time he emits 'the scent of arousal.' In the penultimate scene of
this chapter the smell becomes so strong that both he and Shabba must
acknowledge it. Wow, Martha! This opens the door to all kinds of
interesting behaviors. You're rocking!
One of the uses of the alien in science fiction is to mirror our own,
all-too-human dilemmas. Martha is on firm ground with the subplot about
Imo, the orphaned child of an intelligent but primitive foraging species
which shares the planet with the dominant species to which Shabba,
Markis and Beito belong. The dominant species, the liitens, facing the
specter of overpopulation, are eyeing expansion onto the continent
occupied by the lemos, Imo's people. Clearly this will spell disaster
for the lemos, and possibly total extinction. Although it is clear that
Martha wants us to consider our own crimes against our aboriginal
peoples, she doesn't force the reader to draw the analogy exactly. She
knows how to strike a balance between sending a message and staying true
to her world-building.
To a writer who has taken on a very ambitious task indeed and is
acquitting herself with honor, congratulations. Press on, Martha!
--James Patrick Kelly
Author of STRANGE BUT NOT A STRANGER and THINK LIKE A DINOSAUR
http://www.jimkelly.net
Editor's Choice, Short Story: "Monkey Puzzle" by Kathryn Allen
Pulp magazines during the Golden Age of science fiction supposedly sold
more copies whenever there was a gorilla on the cover. Whether or not
this is true, readers always seem to be interested in stories which
feature gorillas, monkeys, primates, etc. What we have with "Monkey
Puzzle" this month is a strong draft of a short story with an engaging
opening, a lot of interesting material in it, and yes, there's also a
monkey, and even a swan, a composite kitten, and a family with very
interesting dynamics.
The story begins well. There's Jenny, who clearly is in some kind of
distress, and who is wearing a Dorothy Gable dress that she didn't put
on. There's a clock which may or may not be telling the right time.
There are seven swans who swim past in the air, down the hallway as she
opens the door, a monkey who knows more than he's telling, a kitten
named Kittens for very good reasons, and a mother who isn't really
there. In fact, the world seems more Alice-in-Wonderland than Wizard of
Oz, except that Jenny wants very much to get home.
As it turns out, Jenny is an artist whose father, a scientist, has
kidnapped her and placed her in a virtual reality experiment because he
disapproves of her career choices and wants her to take up his own line
of work. Her mother is dead, the swans are other consciousnesses who are
participating in the VR experiment (not of their own free will), and
furthermore the experiment has developed its own free will by modeling
Jenny's consciousness. All of this is excellent stuff.
Where the story isn't working, however, is in the character development.
The author, having created a particularly villainous and interestingly
obsessed scientist dad, never brings him onstage, except, briefly, as a
very standard bad-guy voice. Jenny is an artist, but we never learn
anything about her art, or if she's pursued it in the VR environment, or
even if she has any kind of control over the VR (she doesn't seem to, as
she can't even dress herself). Even the artificial intelligence, the
monkey, only appears very briefly. We don't know much about his
relationship with Jenny, or why he chooses to appear as a monkey. Does
Jenny like monkeys? Or is it a joke on the part of the AI? Does the
monkey tease the swans? Does it behave at all like a monkey? Does it
have fur? Has it ever bitten Jenny, or threatened her? We don't even
know when it first appeared to Jenny.
These are the kinds of essential details that the story (and the
readers) need. Instead, we get a great deal of complicated plot, in
which the monkey has summoned a family member of one of the
swan-consciousnesses. This brother, a man named Scott, shows up and
inserts himself into the VR world. It turns out that he has an agenda of
his own, which involves fratricide, corporate intrigue, and blackmail.
All of these motivations are possible, although not probable, especially
not all at once and with very little explanation. At the very least, it
seems unlikely that someone with such greedy and murderous intentions
would put himself in danger by entering an environment where Jenny's
father has control over the intruder's physical body. There are easier
ways to steal corporate secrets.
Furthermore, the story keeps threatening to become a romance. Jenny
immediately falls for the evil Scott. As she thinks to herself, she
hasn't "seen a real live person for an eternity." And when the handsome
guy is also her possibility of escape, it seems sensible that she thinks
he's "the most beautiful person" she's ever met. That's a very
insightful detail. But as the story goes on, the prose begins to seem
more and more as if the story is taking its cues from a romance novel.
Sentences like "Scott nodded along but would probably pronounce her a
chat bot if she kept babbling and evading straight answers" are cute,
but they don't seem suited to the kind of story that you're telling.
Your prose doesn't have to be hardboiled, but don't try too hard to be
funny or cute, either. Bruce Sterling, Pat Cadigan, Neal Stephenson's
earlier books are probably good places to start when you're thinking
about how to construct a voice for this story.
Even the ending feels far too sexy and cheerful, when Jenny realizes
that Scott was a bad guy, but the monkey is pretty cute and she might as
well fall for him instead. I might buy that a girl stuck in a computer
program would fall for a monkey (I would love to fall for that story),
but you have to work harder to foreshadow it. We need to know more about
Jenny and that monkey, just like we need to know more about Jenny and
her father.
So what's the solution here? I would come up with a different kind of
plot, one that stays focused on Jenny, her father, and the monkey. Give
us more of the swans as well. Look out for places where you're missing
opportunities to present us with something really strange and
eyecatching, as when Scott unplugs the volunteered patients, and the
swans fly away. Why not show us that through Jenny's eyes? Why not ditch
Scott and have the father be the one who pulls the plug when he
discovers that there's a monkey loose in the barrel that he didn't make?
Why not do more with the VR: the two martial artists, left over from a
half-erased game, are a fantastic detail. Kittens is great. The story is
most interesting when you're playing with these kinds of embellishments.
The clock doesn't have to tell nine, for example. It could tell
something much weirder. And if Jenny falls for the monkey, then why make
him look like a cute guy? Why not make him a guy who looks like a monkey
(or has a tail, etc.)? If it's a story about VR, I don't even mind if
Jenny kisses a monkey who looks like a monkey. And I don't mind that the
monkey doesn't have a name, but I'd like to know if Jenny's asked him
his name, and why he's a monkey, and so forth and so on. All of these
are ways to develop characters that will intrigue the reader.
On the sentence level, I'd suggest some fine-tuning, as always. Read the
story aloud to see what sentences are clunky or self-indulgent. Cut as
much as you can. The very first sentence is not as strong as it needs to
be, to catch an editor's eye. "Jenny's world returned abruptly; with the
clocks reading nine." That semi-colon isn't working the way that
semi-colons are supposed to work, and anyway, if you can avoid using a
semi-colon in the first sentence, it's probably a good thing. And "When
Jenny came back to the world, the clocks were striking nine" is more
vivid, more strange, more active than the way it reads now.
You're frequently using a lot of words when less will do nicely. Tight
is almost always better as you learn how to put stories together
economically. Later on, of course, you can vary your style and become
positively verbose. A few examples of how to cut:
"Turning a slow circle, looking at everything and comparing it to her
last memories, Jenny looked for changes."
Why not: "Turning a slow circle, Jenny looked for changes."
"The monkey would know, although there was always a lag between her
world's return and the monkey's. And anyway, the monkey wouldn't always
tell her."
Why not: "The monkey would know, although the monkey wouldn't always
tell her."
And as the swans swim past: "Jenny watched the leader turn left at the
cross-junction and stepped out, again, just as some part of her mind
decided to inform her that only six swans had gone by. She wondered
which was missing as the seventh swan came within a feather of crashing
into her. Paddling frantically, head extended, wings half spread, as he
steered around her, briefly trespassing on the red hexagonal tiles of
the kitchen floor, before he swept on."
Why not: "Jenny stepped out, just as the seventh swan, paddling
frantically, head extended, wings half spread, steered around her,
briefly trespassing on the red hexagonal tiles of the kitchen floor. A
feather brushed against her face and he swept on."
A last word about swans: why are the experimental patients appearing as
swans? It should be more interesting than just that one of them liked
swans. Did they get mixed up with a remnant of some kind of nature-game
program? And if you want them to be swans, why not make them swanlike?
Swans are vicious, territorial animals. It would be extremely
interesting if they chase Jenny's father around, whenever he shows up in
the program.
Good luck with this. This is the year of the monkey, after all.
--Kelly Link
Editor of TRAMPOLINE, available from Small Beer Press
http://www.kellylink.net/
Editor's Choice, Horror: "Father Renoir's Hands" by Lee Battersby
Lee: You have some strong descriptions here, particularly of the naked
children at the end. I felt the last two pages were much stronger than
the rest. That section reminded me somewhat of "Croatoan," which is my
favorite Harlan Ellison story. If you haven't read it, I suggest you
do, since it could be very helpful in illuminating exactly what you're
trying to do in this story. I also liked the focus on the priest's
hands. That gave him a distinct presence.
The biggest weakness I see in the story is that I have no one to care
about, so I never become emotionally involved in the story. While deep
emotional involvement is not required for every story, it is required
for most and, I believe, for this one. I think there are several
reasons for the emotional detachment, so I'll go through them below.
--First, the narrative voice keeps me at a distance from events. The
narrator's personality is prominent and draws attention, keeping the
narrator in the foreground and the characters and events in the
background. Because of this, I feel constantly reminded that I am
reading a story -- except perhaps near the end -- so I never fall into
the plot. I am too aware of the narrator as a literary creation of the
author, and so I feel the author's presence manipulating the characters
and events and language.
This starts right in the second sentence: "Admittedly, there are only
three hundred or so souls . . ." Who is admitting this? The narrator,
clearly. Most omniscient narrators in modern fiction do not draw
attention to themselves in this way; their presence is nearly invisible
in the story. When they are visible, they need to serve some critical
purpose and help the story to accomplish its goal. I don't believe this
narrator is helping your story at all. You are writing this more as a
first-person narrator would describe it, yet the first person is never
revealed. So we spend a lot of time and attention on something that
never pays off. Many stories of this type end up revealing that the
narrator is the ghost of a dead victim. I certainly don't advise that.
My advice is to change your voice to put the narrator in the background
and bring the events into the foreground. I think a third-person POV
limited to Renoir's head would be the most powerful. We'd get to know
more about what drives him, and we could feel his horror at the end.
Another example occurs in the third paragraph: "those meaty, massive,
hands are clenched round the throat of Maria Trote, and the little slut
is paying the price for leading his thoughts into peril." Here, the
reader is offered two options. Either Father Renoir is thinking of
Maria as a "little slut," which means an inappropriate point of view
shift has occurred, or else the narrator is thinking of Maria as a
"little slut," which again brings the narrator's character to prominence
and makes us wonder who this narrator is.
On p. 2, you definitely go into Renoir's POV for a few paragraphs, and
you do the same thing in the last few pages. So there is not only a
problem with the personality of the narrator, but also with consistency
of narration. Since the last few pages are the most powerful, I think
you have finally found the right POV for the story there, which is the
one I recommended above.
Often, the writing simply draws attention to itself, rather than serving
as an invisible windowpane through which we view the story. For
example, "Maria's hands are tiny and soft. They scrabble against his
fingers like little crabs gasping their last on some foreign and
uncaring rock." Using "soft" to describe the fingers and then comparing
them to crabs sends a mixed message that leaves us without a clear
image. I can tell you spent a lot of time on the simile, but its
elaborate nature draws attention to itself, rather than putting us in
the moment where this huge man is strangling this small girl.
Another example is on p. 3, "like a worry carved in wood." This would
be fine for a first-person narrator, but in an omniscient one, it's
merely distracting.
On p. 2, "No rock remains unmoved, no floorboard unlifted." Here, I
simply don't believe this statement, so I'm thrown out of the story, and
again reminded that it is just a story.
--Another factor that creates distance is the lack of any characters I
care about. One reason I don't care about them is that I feel distant
from them, as discussed above. Another is that both Renoir and Gabriel
are child molesters. Not people I'm cheering for.
The story could work if I really hate Renoir and I care about seeing him
come to justice -- that's the way these sorts of revenge stories often
work -- but I don't even hate him that much. I didn't know Maria at
all, so I can't really hate Renoir for killing her, except in a very
intellectual way. I didn't even know she was six until one paragraph
after she died. Before that, I pictured her as an adult, and once a
reader forms a picture, it's very hard to change it. I never got a
clear picture of six-year-old Maria in my mind, until the end, when
she's an evil naked spirit. Comparing her fingers to crabs further
distanced me emotionally from her -- she seemed less than human, and not
particularly sympathetic. I know intellectually that child killers are
bad, and Renoir is a child killer, so he's bad, but that's about the
extent of my emotional involvement. So the ending is not
particularly satisfying.
Rather than trying to make Renoir more evil, I would suggest you try
making him more human, so I can come to know him as a person more and to
believe that he is more than just a constructed character in a story. I
didn't believe he was real because his actions seem random, which means
they feel manipulated by the author. I don't know why he excludes the
forest from the initial search, and I don't know why he crumbles so
easily under Gabriel's questioning. Surely he's got to be a better liar
than this, to have gotten away with all the murders. Similarly,
Gabriel's character didn't come to life for me either and I didn't care
about him. His sudden suspicion of Renoir seems unjustified.
--The final factor contributing to the distance is the plot. It, too,
feels manipulated by the author. It's very hard to swallow that a girl
runs out of her house away from one molester and into the hands of
another (I don't know why Gabriel needs to have touched his daughter.
That seems to lessen Renoir's crime and diffuse the reader's energy). I
don't know why the townspeople go to the priest to find a missing girl.
The story seems set in fairly recent times, since you mention artillery
shells. Why don't they go to the police? And I don't know why all
Renoir's victims decide to come after him on this night. There doesn't
seem to be a convincing reason.
Those are the three factors that I think are creating a large amount of
distance between the reader and events, which keeps the reader from
having a strong emotional reaction to the story. This type of story has
the potential for a lot of emotion.
Let me talk for a minute about the Harlan Ellison story I mentioned.
"Croatoan" is about a man, Gabe, who has impregnated many women and
helped them to get abortions. His latest girlfriend freaks out after
her aborted fetus is flushed down the toilet, and she demands that Gabe
go into the sewer and retrieve it. She finally pressures him enough
that he goes, and in the sewer he discovers a world of living fetuses,
who greet him and call him father. And he takes on that role. While
Gabe is a despicable character, we develop some sympathy for him as he
faces the dangers of the underworld -- he gets scared, and we're scared
along with him. We realize that we, too, have "flushed" things that we
wanted to be rid of, even when we shouldn't. We're amazed and
overwhelmed by the presence of the children, along with Gabe, and
satisfied at the ending, where Gabe takes responsibility for his
actions. The story is told in first person, so we get some sense of why
Gabe has done what he's done -- he offers no big excuses, but we see
he's a smart guy who has just been careless and selfish; haven't we
all?
I'm not suggesting that you turn your story into "Croatoan," but there
are only a few plots in this world, and yours -- the evildoer getting
his comeuppance -- is a common one. That's not to say it can't make a
brilliant story, as it did for Ellison. But one great way to figure out
the possibilities, pitfalls, and requirements of a particular plot is to
look at many other stories that have that plot. Looking at "Croatoan,"
Poe's "The Tell-Tale Heart," and other stories of this type can show you
various ways to draw the reader emotionally into this plot.
Two final stylistic points. You often separate a character's actions
and his dialogue into two paragraphs, which makes for confusing
reading. Put the description of a character, action of that character,
and dialogue of that character all in a single paragraph. This helps us
keep track of who's speaking. Also, you are misusing commas. I have a
webpage that explains how to use punctuation that you may want to
visit: http://www.odysseyworkshop.org/tips1.html.
I think this can be an extremely powerful and emotional story, if you
can just remove the distance. I hope this is helpful.
--Jeanne Cavelos
http://www.odysseyworkshop.org/
| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop recognizes members who
have given useful, insightful reviews. After all, that's what makes
the workshop go, so we want to give great reviewers a little
well-earned recognition!
If you got a really useful review and would like to add the reviewer
to the Reviewer Honor Roll, use our online honor-roll nomination form
-- log in and link to it from the bottom of the Reviewer Honor
Roll page at http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml.
Your nomination will appear on the first day of the next calendar
month.
The Honor Roll will show all April nominations beginning May 1.
Here are some advance highlights from the March honor roll:
Reviewer: Leonid Korogodski
Submission: The Garden at the Roof of the World, Chapter 8
(Boston Critters)
by Walter Williams
Submitted by: Walter Williams
Nominator's Comments: Leo offers suggestions which help me tell the
story. His critique is positive, and while it shows what did not come
across rightly to him, is never "you did this wrong", it is always "this
did not work for me" "here is why" and "here is an alternative path to
consider", all the while keeping the integrity of my vision for the
story arch in mind.
Reviewer: Jennifer Broekman
Submission: "State of the Union 2057" by Spencer Brightland
Submitted by: Spencer Brightland
Nominator's Comments: Jennifer provided both detail-oriented comments on
small, pesky things that seem to escape me as well as her big-picture
perspectives, helping me see the forest for the trees. Very specific
comments that will greatly benefit the revision.
Reviewers nominated to the honor roll during March include: Eric Bauman
(2), Brad Beaulieu, Travis Blair, Pedar Bloom, Catherine Cheek (2), Kit
Davis, Tara Devine, Linda Dicamis, Leigh Dragoon, Deva Fagan (2), Mike
Farrell (3), Michael Goodwind (2), Tom Grady, Robert Haynes, Anne Hope,
Elizabeth Hull (2), Esme Ibbotson, Kevin Kibelstis, Robyn Logelin,
Raven Matthews, Helen Mazarakis, Ian Morrison, Jon Paradise, Lawrence
Payne, Alicia Ponder, Pete Rauschal, Carol Seck, Gene Spears, Ian
Tregillis (2), John Walborn, Nancy Wiest.
We congratulate them all for their excellent reviews. All nominations
received in March can be still found until May 1 at:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml
| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
We can't announce them if you don't let us know! So drop Charlie a
line at support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com whenever you have good
news to share.
The April edition of _Fortean Bureau_ (http://www.forteanbureau.com/)
includes grocery lists from workshop members John Joseph Adams,
Elizabeth Bear, S. Evans, and Benjamin Rosenbaum, and OWW Resident
Editor James Patrick Kelly, alongside Lois McMaster Bujold, Neil Gaiman,
and others. Charlie says check it out.
Sales and Publications:
Elizabeth Bear continues her amazing year. She sold "Seven Dragons
Mountains" to ALL-STAR ZEPPELIN ADVENTURE STORIES. Go new pulp! "Thanks
go out to Andrew Ahn, Leah Bobet, Kat Allen, Roger McCook, Ruth
Nestvold, Megan Crewe, Dena Landon, and Claris Cates-Ryan Smith. This
story was a December 'Lite' Challenge story." She also sold "Old
Leatherwings" to _Lenox Avenue_.
From Hannah Bowen: "This just in from the Department of Cheerful
Squeaks: Rumor has it my 'Tin Cup Heart' out of _ChiZine_'s issue #16 is
getting an Honorable Mention nod in the next THE YEAR'S BEST FANTASY &
HORROR."
Marlissa Campbell sold an an excerpt from "The Laboratory Notebook of
Edith A. Brown, Ph.D." to _Eggplant Literary Productions Library_. She
says "While I did not workshop this piece, it was a spin-off from a
workshopped story." And her flash "Anatomy Lesson" is now online at
_Flashquake_ (http://www.flashquake.org/).
A voice from the past: Allie Davidson emailed the writing list with this
news: "A few years ago I wrote a short story called 'Catching Hell' that
was reviewed by the writing workshop and received an Editor's Choice for
short story. It seemed to be going the comic-book route but turned into
a screenplay. Currently the screenplay is in the second round of
Project Greenlight with excellent ratings." We wish her good luck and
would love to see it turned into a movie.
S. Evans sold her story "Final Trials" to _Aoife's Kiss_ for their
September 2004 issue. "After a long, long dry spell, it's nice to be
able to report a sale!" We feel the same way. It wasn't a regular
newsletter without you.
Wendy Delmater continues to have success in different areas: two of her
poems (a tanka and a haiku) were accepted by Scifaikuest. "It looked
like a fun little market on Ralan.com, and all I did was add together
some science fiction images that resonated with me when put in each
other's vicinity." This follows on the heels of news that _Flash Me_
(http://flash.to/flashme) selected her story "Snake Oil" as their
feature story for April.
"Ivan and Marya," an excerpt from Anna Kashina's new novel, will be
published in _Mythic Circle_, published annually by the Mythopoetic
Society (http://www.mythsoc.org/). Anna told us "I decided to submit
there because the submission deadline was announced in the OWW
newsletter! This novel is the workshop baby. I am very grateful to my
reviewers and to OWW for keeping us all going."
Karin Lowachee, author of WARCHILD and BURNDIVE, is a finalist for the
John W. Campbell Award for Best New Writer, which will be voted on with
the Hugos for Worldcon.
No fooling! On April 1st, Roger McCook made his first two sales, "The
Class Ring" to _Flash Me_ (http://flash.to/flashme) and "The Demon" to
_Project M Magazine_ (http://www.project-m-zine.com/). He writes: "Both
pieces were posted to this site and were greatly improved by the reviews
received." Congratulations, Roger.
Sandra McDonald made the short list for the James Tiptree, Jr. Memorial
Award (http://www.tiptree.org/2003/index.html) with "The Ghost Girls of
Rumney Mill" (_Realms Of Fantasy_, August 2003).
Darren Moore's "Hunter" won first place in the Bard's Ink short story
contest. He said "Yea! This story was critted here a very, very long
time ago." Congratulations, Darren!
Ruth Nestvold made the short list for the James Tiptree, Jr. Memorial
Award (http://www.tiptree.org/2003/index.html) with "Looking Through
Lace" (_Asimov's_, September 2003).
Mark Reeder says that he's signed contracts to publish QUEEN'S KNIGHT'S
GAMBIT. "The manuscript was workshopped last year during the
spring/summer. Because of all the great feedback I received from
members, I was able to whip it into shape and make it acceptable." He
promised to let us know when it was available.
Jeremy Tolbert sold "Instead of a Loving Heart" to ALL-STAR ZEPPELIN
ADVENTURE STORIES. Go new pulp! He thanks "The zombie pirates of the
OWW."
Wade White sold "The Universe Construction Set" to _Andromeda Spaceways
Inflight Magazine_ (http://www.andromedaspaceways.com) for their
December 2004 issue. It's his first print story! He sent special thanks
on the mailing list to "reviewers M. Thomas, Michael Keyton, Megan
Crewe, Adrienne Allmann, Kathryn Allen, Heather Williams, Dorian E.
Gray, Sherry Thompson, Chris Webb, Sarah Palmero, Simon Owens, and Jax
Alexander (and anyone I missed) for their input. And the OWW in general
rocks, of course. So go on. Try it. It tastes like chicken."
| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Number of members as of 4/20: 722 paying, 71 trial
Number of submissions currently online: 698
Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 92.8%
Percent of submissions with zero reviews: 0.9%
Average reviews per submission (all submissions): 6.04
Estimated average review word count (all submissions): 634.81
Number of submissions in March: 514
Number of reviews in March: 2292
Ratio of reviews/submissions in March: 4.46
Estimated average word count per review in March: 705.47
Number of submissions in April to date: 323
Number of reviews in April to date: 2218
Ratio of reviews/submissions in April to date: 6.87
Estimated average word count per review in April to date: 645.85
Total number of under-reviewed submissions: 0 (0% of total subs)
Number over 3 days old with 0 reviews: 0
Number over 1 week old with under 2 reviews: 0
Number over 2 weeks old with under 3 reviews: 0
| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
TIPS: FORMING A LOCAL WRITERS' GROUP
This tip came in from Walter Williams:
When the e-mail came, it was a dark, but probably not stormy night.
Earlier that same day, Leo had done something many of us had done:
complained publicly using the OWW-Yahoo groups. While he valued the OWW,
he wished for a face-to-face group near where he lived. Hazel contacted
him offline; she had also wished for a face-to-face group. Thus we
began. They each told a friend, and that friend told a friend, and so
on. We all came together late one night in a local Quincy library hoping
for a group of dedicated victims (I mean critters) to vivisect (I mean
critique) our work.
And then we were six, all members of the OWW--Pam O'Brien, Tracey
Stewart, Helen Mazarakis, Leonid Korogodski, Laurie Sandra Davis
(Hazel), and myself. We quickly determined a number of things. Probably
the most important was that continued use of the OWW would be
invaluable. It gave us a place to post our work for each of us to
review. In our face-to-face discussions, we would use the reviews posted
on the OWW as a starting point for our analyses, which are lively,
interactive, and broader in scope than any conversation between just two
people could be. This gave us the freedom to review outlines and do live
(badly acted) reading of dialog. As a number of us are trying to be
novelists, this also gave us a dedicated group of readers who would have
a feel for the entire plot arch as it moved from chapter to chapter.
We have all found that combining the strengths of the OWW and the
randomness of live, focused interactive discussion has allowed us all to
improve our writing.
---
Got a helpful tip for your fellow members? A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission? Share it with us and we'll publish it in the next
newsletter. Just send it to support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com and
we'll do the rest.
Until next month -- just write!
The Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
| - - Copyright 2004 Online Writing Workshops - - - - - - - - - - - |
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