O | The Online Writing Workshop for SF, F & H Newsletter, June 2004
W | http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!
| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
- Workshop News:
Clarion and Odyssey
Workshop crash
T-shirts, buttons, and brochures -- oh my!
Workshop focus chats
July writing challenge
Market information
Membership payment information
- Editors' Choices for May submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Tips & Feedback
| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Good things come in twos: this month's announcements include one award and
one contest win, plus two award nominations, all split between two Resident
Editors and two members. In the print magazines, two stories sold to _Realms
of Fantasy_, one of the Big Five pros, and two to _Talebones_, the classy
horror semi-pro, and two appear in the latest issue of _Paradox_. There
were also two challenge stories sold, and another twofer in a first sale
ever that's also a picture game story. If you read the complete sales and
publications section, you're sure to find a whole lot more there... too.
CLARION AND ODYSSEY
Last month we reported that OWWers Al Bogdan, Eric Breslin, Peter Burtis,
and John Schofstall are attending Clarion East this year while Jeff Spock is
at Clarion West, where they'll get the chance to learn from OWW Resident
Editors Kelly Link and James Patrick Kelly among other instructors.
We've since learned that OWWer Brynna Ramin is also at Clarion East while
Andrea Kail is attending the Odyssey workshop run by OWW Resident Editor
Jeanne Cavelos.
Good luck to everyone!
WORKSHOP CRASH
On June 18th, the workshop suffered a major SNAFU and was out of commission
for about twelve hours. We were able to get it back up and running from our
backups, but we lost almost a day's worth of submissions and reviews. We
apologize for this problem -- the first time it's happened since we began
our workshops in 1998! We will be upgrading our backup system so that
future equipment problems will not result in losing any data.
We have credit all current users of the SF, F & H workshop with an extra
week of membership. Again, we are very sorry that this happened.
T-SHIRTS, BUTTONS, AND BROCHURES
We are thinking about printing up some more OWW-SFFH T-shirts, and/or
making some OWW buttons. The shirts have the logo and workshop name on
the front, and workshop name and URL along with "Just Write!" on the
back. They are all cotton and would be $20 shipped in the US. 20% of the $20
for the t-shirts ($4 per shirt) will go to the workshop scholarship fund!
Shirts would be ready by WorldCon.
OWW member Karen Swanberg recently made an OWW button to wear at WisCon. You
can see action photos of the con, including OWWers and Karen's buttons, at
her Web site: http://www.karenswanberg.org/wiscon04pics.html. We thought
this was a cool idea and might look into having some made, if there's
interest. The buttons would probably have the OWW logo and "Online Writing
Workshop for SF, Fantasy, and Horror" around the outside. We're not sure of
the cost on these, but not too much, plus of course shipping.
Please let us know your level of interest in either of these by e-mailing us
at support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com, that's
support(at)sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com, or by voting in the writing
list's poll: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/oww-sff-writing/surveys?id=1253786
before the end of June. Thanks!
In addition, some workshop members have asked for a downloadable brochure to
print out for promotional use at conventions, writers' groups, etc. So
we've placed a PDF of our 2-sided brochure on the workshop site
(https://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/art/promotion/OWW-
SFFHbrochure2004.pdf) or just go to
https://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/art/promotion/ and click on the link.
Thanks to Kirsten Kohlway, who printed off a stack of brochures and took
them to ConDuit in Salt Lake City last month! Kirsten tells us that she
learned about ConDuit from something James Van Pelt said during the plot
focus group, and she's glad she went. If you take OWW brochures to any
cons, please send us a note.
GRAND OLD MAN OF AUSTRALIAN SF REMEMBERED
OWW has lots of members in Australia, so we wanted to include this note from
Nigel Read:
"Unfortunately, Australia just lost its Grand Old Man of SF, Peter McNamara,
who died of cancer on June 1st. If anyone is responsible for the survival of
Australian SF through the lean years, and thus enabling the current
resurgence, it was Peter. Here's a link to the McNamara Achievement Award
Web site, which lists his many accomplishments:
http://www.altair-australia.com/aboutawardpage.htm"
WORKSHOP FOCUS CHATS
Mark your calendars for the following upcoming writing chats:
Focus on . . . W.T. (Wade) Markham!
Wednesday, June 23, 2004 @ 3 pm EDT
Focus on . . . Chris Manucy!
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Focus on . . . Melinda Goodin!
Wednesday, July 7, 2004
Focus on . . . Karen Swanberg!
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
(Please note--Karen's story is already posted, and it's multi-part. If
you'd like to read the whole thing before the focus, you might want to get a
head start!)
Focus on . . . Jodi Meadows!
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
The focus stories are posted on the OWW with the word "focus" in the
title. All chats are held in the DROWWZoo chat room on AIM. For more
information, e-mail Pen Hardy or IM her at PKHardy.
JULY WRITING CHALLENGE
This came in to the mailing list from Jodi Meadows:
"Everyone, listen up. Your regular Challenge Dictator is no longer able to
perform her Dictatorly duties, due to a rabid roll of duct tape and a
closet. Until she manages to free herself, I am your new Dictator. So the
July Challenge is 'cargo bay necromancers from 6195.'"
We here at the newsletter asked, "What the heck does that mean?" and were
told, "Well, whatever you'd like it to. _That's_ the challenge!" Okay. But
shouldn't "cargo bay" have a hyphen?
Remember, your challenge piece should say "July Challenge" or "Necromancer
Challenge" in the title. Don't post it to the workshop until July 1. As
with all the challenges, remember to push yourself. Write something you'd
never try otherwise, use some technique you've never used before, or explore
a different sub-genre -- urban fantasy instead of high fantasy, space opera
instead of hard SF. And don't forget to have fun with it.
For more details on the challenges, check the Challenge home page at:
(http://www.thermeon.net/checkered/Challenge.html).
MARKET INFORMATION
OWW Member M. Thomas sent us the following:
"Now accepting submissions. _Lenox Avenue_ is a new, bi-monthly,
speculative-fiction e-zine paying 5 cents per word up to $100. Desired
stories would explore cultural myths and traditions, either known or
invented, and be between 100 and 6,000 words (not firm). The e-zine will
debut July 1st, 2004, and feature Nisi Shawl, Nick Mamatas, and Elizabeth
Bear. Feel free to take a peek at our premiere cover by artist Alejandro
Teran, at http://www.lenoxavemag.com. You can also
find full submission details there."
From Clarion West, Jeff Spock drew our attention to a new market:
"Check this out -- http://www.quercus-sf.co.uk -- it's a site being
launched by Paul Brazier, Production Editor and occasional contributor and
guest editor of _Interzone_. If the people on the list of potential
contributing authors come through (click on 'What's New' and scroll down),
the site should be quite impressive. However you should check the
submission guidelines -- they are a bit daunting."
Aleta Daknis sent us this announcement:
"The staff of _Abyss & Apex_ (http://www.abyssandapex.com) announce that we
are closing to new submissions *except poetry* for the summer. We are
grateful for the wonderful response from writers all over the world who have
provided us with enough stories to keep us busy reading and arguing with one
another through Labor Day. While we're announcing things, we want to remind
writers, readers and genre fans that we still have some excellent prizes up
for grabs in our summer fundraising drive. Please check out the fund drive
page at http://www.abyssandapex.com/200405-funddrive.html to see how you can
win autographed artwork by the likes of Michael Whelan and Rowena or
an autographed copy of Elizabeth Moon's Nebula Award-winning THE SPEED OF
DARK, plus more neat stuff."
And editor David Ginn, of Hurt Your Brain Publications, asked us to tell you
this about his new market. If someone checks it out or submits there, maybe
they can report back about it to the newsletter:
"I guess I can be classified as a Web publisher currently working on a
prototype (and hopefully a patent or two) for a truly digital book. I
publish currently on CD-R's (RTF and PDF formats). I am a paying publisher
and I give the author almost all of the rights to their story. My Web site is
currently being updated at: http//www.angelfire.com/games5/hybp"
And, if you haven't before, go check out the market lists at Ralan
(http://www.ralan.com).
MEMBERSHIP PAYMENT INFORMATION
How to pay: In the U.S., you can pay by PayPal or send us a check or
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certain active, review-contributing members whose situations do not
allow them to pay the full membership fee themselves.
Bonus payments: The workshop costs only 94 cents per week, but we know
that many members feel that it's worth much more to them. So here's
your chance to award us with a bonus on top of your membership fee.
For example, is the workshop worth five dollars a month to you? Award
us a $11 bonus along with your $49 membership fee. 25% of any bonus
payments we receive will go to our support staff, sort of like a tip
for good personal service. The rest will be tucked away to lengthen
the shoestring that is our budget and keep us running!
For more information:
Payments: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships.shtml
Bonus payments and information about our company:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/bonuspayments.shtml
Price comparisons:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships_comparison.shtml
| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Editors' Choices are chosen from the submissions from the previous
month that show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of
our Resident Editors. Submissions in four categories -- SF, F, horror,
and short stories -- receive a detailed review, meant to be educational
for others as well as the author.
Reviews are written by our Resident Editors, award-winning authors and
instructors Jeanne Cavelos, James Patrick Kelly, and Kelly Link,
and by experienced science-fiction and fantasy editor Jenni
Smith-Gaynor. The last four months of Editors' Choices and their
editorial reviews are archived on the workshop. Go to the "Read,
Rate, Review" page and click on "Editors' Choices."
Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors!
Editor's Choice, Fantasy Chapter/Partial Chapter:
SCROLLS OF HEAVEN, CHAPTER 5 by Shawn Farien
I really liked the tension building in the fifth chapter of Shawn
Farien's SCROLLS OF HEAVEN. As an introduction to a couple of new
characters and a new plot thread, this is a good start. More grounding
details and perhaps more information about the characters -- if these
two priests are to play a major role in the overall story -- would
really strengthen this chapter.
Asciranus is an old man and Farien takes time to let us know that
"Younger priests had offered to take over some of the daily duties..."
and "Asciranus then knelt quietly at the altar, his old joints creaking
and protesting the motion," which are all good descriptions for the
reader. Since he feels like an important character, Asciranus could be
fleshed out a bit more. What physical traits would help distinguish him
from his younger assistant, Lyrinus? Are there differences in physical
appearance from Jarrik and his Clan? Anything that can help the reader
form an impression would really make this character feel more solid.
There are many ways to show surprise or shock, and the news Lyrinus
brings the older priest is the focal point for this chapter. Instead of
telling the reader "The world closed in around Asciranus. His vision
darkened and his heart thudded in his chest," we ought to feel it. The
chapter is in Asciranus' point of view, so we would gain a stronger
connection to this character if we could feel his age, his shock, his
satisfaction with his assistant's intelligence (and so forth).
The world in which SCROLLS OF HEAVEN takes place feels larger than
what we see in this chapter. By dropping the names of a few countries as
background information, Farien seems to be trying to show us why the
discovery of a sixth scroll is so important. I think there could be more
contextual details sprinkled throughout the history lesson to really
make the impact of the sixth scroll shine. Things to think about in this
chapter would be the location of the two priests, how they tie into
Jarrik's storyline, and any other introductory information from the
first two chapters (which I hadn't read) in relation to the history
lesson Asciranus gives Lyrinus (and us, the reader).
This might be a good spot to start explaining or showing more about the
scrolls and why they are so important. The scrolls seem to play a
significant role in this story. In this chapter, we're shown that the
discovery of a sixth scroll can upset the delicate balance this world
has managed to maintain. I would like to see more about this balance.
Asciranus tells his assistant, "We had three to their one in the last
war, Lyrinus. We barely won." So the five known scrolls are not all
equal in power, but since we don't know what the scrolls do or what
power they have, this impact isn't as strong as it could be. The
ramifications of the discovery of the mysterious sixth scroll could be
described more fully so that the reader feels included in the drama.
Overall, this is a good start to the beginning of a more complex story.
I like the addition of these new characters and story line. This is a
short chapter, but with additional details about the characters, the
history, the world, it will gain more heft and not leave the reader
asking for more.
--Jenni Smith-Gaynor
Former editor, Del Rey Books
Editor's Choice, SF Chapter/Partial Chapter:
A DESTINY OF FOOLS, CHAPTER FOUR by Ejner Fulsang
There is a lot to like in this short chapter, which goes down as smooth
as pricy bourbon but still has a wonderful bite. This is an in-between
section in which not much plot happens. Its primary goal would seem to
be to introduce Roger, an alcoholic editor of the Times, as POV
character. It does this admirably, breezing along on sharp
characterization and witty dialog.
Up until this chapter we have been in the POV of Sophie, one of Roger's
reporters. We learn how Roger feels about her in the second paragraph.
"Sophie knew he was a lush but had never judged him for it. He couldn't
help liking somebody like that. He wondered how much else she knew. She
would have to be brain-dead not to have picked up the office scuttlebutt
about him. Even so, she kept it to herself. Somebody like that was worth
staying sober for. At least for a little while. He was about to reach
for the bottle when the phone began buzzing."
That last line clinches the chapter for this reader; it shows just how
much trouble Roger is in with his drinking and how he yet might be
saved. Just a deft character hook, Ejner! Later on Roger and Sophie
are bantering over drinks: "He opened his desk drawer and pulled out the
bottle, sliding it to the middle of the desk. His hand went back for a
pair of dusty tumblers. He blew the dust out and poured a couple of
fingers in each. 'I didn't know you liked bourbon,' he said. She took a
sip and made a nasty face. 'I didn't know you liked paint thinner.' 'I
get a volume discount,' he said." The way Roger skims over his pain
but is still brave enough to acknowledge it speaks volumes.
I will admit that hardboiled newspaper folk are a bit of a cliche but,
in my opinion, they are also one of our most pleasing cliches. Here
Ejner puts just enough spin on the stereotype to convince us that we're
eavedropping on real people. Part of it is Roger's weary and knowing
self-deprecation and part of it is Sophie's self-confident bravura.
They play off each other nicely in Chapter Three, although I'm thinking
that Roger might hold up better as a character over the course of a
novel. Ejner describes Sophie as having "a striking, comic book super
heroine appearance" in the synopsis and I worry that the plot might not
be sufficient to muss her hair and dent her self-confidence. Super
heroes look great in bright colors but novels are best illustrated in
darker shades.
Where I do have concerns with Chapter Three is in the world-building.
Ejner's 2085 has a decidedly retro feel to it. We learn in the synopsis
that there has been a catastrophic die-off; the population of the
Consolidated State of America is down to 27 million. This is all well
and good, but the consequence of the catastrophe is that technology
seems to have rolled back a hundred-some years. For instance, the
digital infrastructure seems to have evaporated. When Sophie tells
Roger that one Percival Hendricks may be a key player in the plot,
neither of them think to google him. And yet there are still
helicopters, phones, video feeds (and ways to doctor them) and, of
course, newspapers and the means to distribute them. I am not going to
generalize about an entire world from a chapter that takes place for the
most part in a single room. Nevertheless, it seems to me that in a wake
of such a horrific tragedy, the civilization of the survivors might
twist a more toward strangeness rather than to march backward to the
familiarity of "The Front Page" and "His Girl Friday: and that that
strangeness ought to pervade each and every chapter.
In any event, Chapter Three was a pleasure to read. You have some great
characters here, Ejner. Press on!
--James Patrick Kelly
Author of STRANGE BUT NOT A STRANGER and THINK LIKE A DINOSAUR
http://www.jimkelly.net
Editor's Choice, Short Story:
"Hard Rock Forever" by Carol Hillebrenner
Carol Hillebrenner's "Hard Rock Forever" is a story that hinges on an
unusual and interesting premise. At some point in the story's past, a
company called GoBlow began offering people the choice to put themselves
into suspended hibernation for set terms of either thirty, sixty, or
ninety years. As GoBlow first became trendy and later became subsidized
by the government, something like sixty percent of the world's
population took advantage of the procedure; the vast majority of the
people who chose the treatment (called "goblowers") opted for the
ninety-year term, and the story takes place as those ninety-year
goblowers are approaching their scheduled resurrections. The
protagonist, Eden, is a member of an international governing body, and
her vote will be the swing vote on the question of whether to honor the
ninety-year-old contract to resurrect the goblowers or whether to
re-inject them and keep them sleeping for another ninety years.
The problem, of course, is that the earlier batches of resurrected
goblowers have been nothing but trouble. After the majority of the
world's population put itself temporarily to sleep, those left behind
were able to restructure society, culture, and government. The world
the goblowers wake to is a very different one than the world they left
behind. As described in the story: "The majority of them hated the new
world they had awakened to. This world where people actively sought to
live in harmony with nature and each other wasn't the world they wanted.
They wanted thrills in a world which had learned to enjoy simpler
pleasures." In order to keep the earlier generations of resurrects from
wreaking havoc on this carefully balanced society, the world government
was forced to construct and maintain a fairly elaborate theme-park-like
residential habitat, but it's not clear to them that a similar solution
will keep the vastly increased numbers of ninety-year goblowers happy.
On the one side of the decision, then, is the need to honor the
resurrection promise made to the goblowers when they first went under,
while on the other side is the need to not allow the returnees to
overwhelm and destroy the new social order.
It's an interesting question in a number of ways, and a good one to
place at the heart of the story. As someone who has occasionally
despaired over the viciousness and selfishness of humanity, I thought it
was a nice touch that the custodians of this kinder and gentler future
understood that it could be preserved only by keeping away any seriously
dissenting or dissatisfied elements. On its own, though, the dilemma
would be too dry or academic to effectively carry the story; channeling
the conflict through a personal situation for the protagonist (whose
much-loved older brother is one of the ninety-year goblowers) was a very
good decision on the author's part, and one that really effectively
pulls the reader through the story.
Generally speaking, this story is an engaging and entertaining read.
My real concern with it is that some of the plot elements feel a little
too arbitrary or contrived. The largest one of these is the sheer
number of goblowers, especially in light of Eden's eventual conclusion
that the goblowers were generally irresponsible and parasitic. It's not
that I disagree with that characterization of the goblowers, it's just
that I have trouble (even on my worst days) picturing sixty percent of
the world's population in that camp. And that's before we even get to
the idea that, in order for the post-goblow global restructuring to be
feasible, one has to also assume that most of the world's power elite
also chose to go under. Otherwise I'm not sure that the goblowers
create enough of a discontinuity that the new social order could win out
over the business-as-usual that came before.
The contents of Jack's treasure box also felt a little bit contrived, at
least in terms of the context they're placed in. I don't think it's
necessarily unrealistic that an individual not-particularly-bright
teenage boy would pack up his personal time capsule with stolen jewelry,
new clothing, and a gun. Given the way the author established the
family dynamics in Eden's childhood home, it's also not necessarily
surprising that Jack would leave the box for his sister without
considering the fact that she might not be waiting for him ninety years
later. (I'm assuming that part of the new governmental order is some
provision for life-extending treatments, because the story's timeline
doesn't make any sense otherwise, but I see nothing in the flashback
sections that leads me to assume such longevity treatments existed at
the time GoBlow was introduced.) It's easy to write this oversight off
as representative of a character flaw in Jack, but it's a fairly
significant lack of vision on Jack's part, and as a result I'm not sure
how realistic it is for Eden to apply all of Jack's character flaws to
the extremely broad base of GoBlow users.
The only other significant story element that felt jarring to me was the
sudden revelation of Eden's experience of living with her father. The
storybook-like peek in to that aspect of her past is so different from
her other childhood that it feel dropped in to the narrative for the
specific purpose of setting up the background of the egg. I would
suggest either expanding that memory (in which case you should also set
it up somehow earlier in the story) or dropping it altogether and coming
up with some other object that could fill a similar narrative purpose.
The quick-cut nature of the St Petersburg memory is really just an
exaggerated aspect of the general speed with which the story moves
through the plot elements. On a first reading it makes the story zippy
and engaging; on a closer reading, though, the speed starts to feel
jumpy, if not sloppy. Usually I'm in favor of short story writers
streamlining their stories and staying closer to their central themes,
but in this case I'm going to recommend that you slow down a little,
flesh out some of the individual plot elements, give the story a little
room to stretch. (This would also go a long way towards solving my
problem with the story feeling contrived at points.) Take more than a
couple of sentences on Eden's childhood, and Raynaldo's contribution to
world peace through the design of Hard Rock Forever, and the complicated
structure of Eden's family, and the backstory of the GoBlow treatments,
and the transition to the new society--give each of these things just a
little bit more space, and I think the story's central themes and
premises will be both stronger and clearer.
--Susan Marie Groppi
Fiction Editor/Editor-in-Chief, _Strange Horizons_
http://www.strangehorizons.com
Editor's Choice, Horror:
"To the End of the Stream" by Joseph Berry
The setting of this story is really well described, and is unusual and
very creepy. I think it's the greatest strength of the story. When they
go through the siphon, I start to feel real claustrophobia, and I get
very nervous about what they're going to find. I also like your
description of the bugs and the mutated Dr. Ville. I get a vivid image
in my head of things I've never seen before, and they're pretty
disturbing. I also grow to like the eccentric Luc, and in the second
half of the story, he comes to seem very real to me (I like when he's
jogging in place). The journal entries by Ville are interesting and add
suspense the way you have them scattered throughout.
I do see some weaknesses in the story, though, that are preventing it
from being as powerful and involving as you would like. The main
weaknesses are in point of view (POV), characterization, the
scientific/technical aspects of the story, and style.
-- POV: The point of view is weak and constantly shifts throughout the
story. At times we are in Josh's head, at times in Luc's, and at times
in a detached, omniscient objective POV. Shifting around does not add
anything to the story. Instead, it keeps us detached and distant from
the characters, which prevents us from feeling intense involvement and
fear.
You start the story in Josh's POV: "Josh watched with growing dismay as
Luc prepared to enter the cave."
Later in the opening scene, you shift POVs: "Josh's face shone with
excitement." Josh can't see his own face; therefore, we have left his
POV, and we're either in Luc's POV or an omniscient POV -- it's not
clear.
Two paragraphs later, you shift again: "Josh tried not to focus on
Luc's tight buttocks swaggering off into the darkness ahead." We're
back in Josh's POV now.
These sorts of shifts happen constantly in the story, and each time the
POV shifts, the reader feels jerked around and gets thrown out of the
story. So you really want to eliminate these.
-- Characterization: You tell me Josh is British on p. 4. This is too
late. He didn't sound British up to that point, and I'd already heard
his voice in my head, and it was American. Later, some of his dialogue
sounds British, but most still sounds American. So his character is
inconsistent. If you want to make him British, then you need to
establish that on p. 1, and you need to make really sure that every word
he says is what a British person would say.
I also don't believe that Josh would go on an expedition having done
such little research ahead of time. He would certainly read Ville's
entire journal (and at times it seems like he hasn't--for example, when
he's surprised by the sound of the river), and he would want to speak to
Ville. I don't buy that he thinks Ville is a hermit somewhere. What
evidence would support that? There's no one in the story to try to keep
up the appearance that Ville is alive. So this is not satisfying to the
reader. I start questioning where Ville is on p. 4. To play fair with
the reader, you have to let us know that Ville is missing. It seems
that must be what Josh would conclude.
Sometimes the dialogue sounds stilted. On p. 7, Josh says, "Down this
ladder we should see species of insects and arthropods unknown to
science!" He sounds like the protagonist of a 19th-Century H. G. Wells
story.
You need a moment on p. 8 where Josh examines a bug and notices more
interesting, different things about it than its weird coloring. We need
to see that he's an expert. This is the moment where you need to
convince us. Anyone can notice weird coloring.
-- Scientific/Technical Aspects: I don't know a lot about spelunking,
and I have no idea how much you know, but the story doesn't convince me
that this is an accurate portrayal of these spelunkers or the way they
work. I feel like you have done a bit of research, but for the most
part, you're making it up. Now, you may not be. You may be an expert
on cave exploration, but the story doesn't make me feel that, and that's
what's important. As a reader, I need to be convinced that I'm really
there, and this is really happening. But instead I found I kept
doubting you. So you need to find subtle ways to convince me. You need
to include small details that convey what spelunkers do, what they look
for in such a situation, and how they cope with different problems. If
you haven't spoken with an expert yet, I would strongly recommend that.
The first thing that brought me doubt was the use of the word caver
instead of spelunker. This seemed strange to me, especially since Josh
seems to be an academic.
Also, if _Terra_ is a scientific journal, which is what you seem to say,
then they wouldn't send someone on an expedition. They would simply
publish papers that were submitted to them, after a board confirms their
accuracy. If this is more like a _National Geographic_-type magazine,
that's different, but you call it a natural history journal, and that
makes it sound like _Nature_ or other scientific journals. So it
doesn't seem plausible that they'd send Josh to this cave.
Also, I don't believe they'd send Josh in particular. He seems to have
no experience, and I'm sure there are good people out there with
experience. They might have him look at specimens once they are secured,
but there seems no reason to send him into the cave. I think this would
work better if Josh had taken the initiative and decided to go explore
this cave himself, after reading Dr. Ville's journal.
On p. 3 you discuss the strangeness of the luminescence of blind
creatures. But there are blind deep-sea creatures who are luminescent,
and the reason is that this allows other species to see them. This may
be an advantage because the other species are drawn to the blind one,
and the blind one feeds on them, or the luminescence may serve as a
distraction, allowing the blind creatures to approach prey without being
identified, and so on. The reason for these particular creatures'
luminescence may not yet be known, but the fact that they are
luminescent shouldn't seem all that strange to Ville. It didn't seem
believable that Ville wouldn't know of this.
-- Style: When a character performs an action or thinks a thought, and
then that same character speaks, the action, thought, and dialogue
should all be in the same paragraph. This is how we can tell who is
speaking. Instead, you put the dialogue in a new paragraph, which
leaves the speaker unclear. This caused a lot of confusion for me while
I read.
Several times, Josh tells Luc things that it seems they must have
discussed earlier, before going on this expedition. This makes the
dialogue seem false, and seem like an "As you know, Bob." An "As you
know, Bob" occurs when one character tells another something they both
know, so that the author can get this information to the reader. It
undermines character and is not a good way of conveying information to
the reader.
An example is on p. 3, when Josh says, "The specimens he described were
found only in that area." Josh and Luc have both memorized the map, and
they clearly know what their goal is, so they must both already know
where the specimens were found.
You use a lot of what authors sarcastically call "elegant" variation in
this story, which reflects a weak POV. "Elegant" variation occurs when
you refer to a character by different names -- Luc, the caver, the
guide, the speleologist. This is distracting and confusing, but more
important than that, it undermines POV. Josh is going to think of Luc
in one way. Whatever that way is, he should consistently think of him
using that word. I think it would be Luc.
Those are the main things that I felt were preventing the story from
reaching its full potential. I think that with some attention to these,
you can have a strong, compelling, and vivid story that will really
scare and disturb readers. I hope my comments are helpful.
--Jeanne Cavelos
http://www.odysseyworkshop.org/
| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop recognizes members who
have given useful, insightful reviews. After all, that's what makes
the workshop go, so we want to give great reviewers a little
well-earned recognition!
If you got a really useful review and would like to add the reviewer
to the Reviewer Honor Roll, use our online honor-roll nomination form
-- log in and link to it from the bottom of the Reviewer Honor
Roll page at http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml.
Your nomination will appear on the first day of the next calendar
month.
The Honor Roll will show all June nominations beginning July 1.
Here are some advance highlights from the June honor roll:
Reviewer: Catherine Cheek
Submission: Sounds Spooky by Rosemary Althoff
Submitted by: Rosemary Althoff
Nominator's Comments: Catherine Cheek hit the heart of the matter when
she commented on the characters and pacing of the story. An encouraging
review, also, not just critical.
Reviewer: Bonnie Johnston
Submission: THE UNMAGICKED--Prologue by Rae Carson
Submitted by: Rae Carson
Nominator's Comments: Wow! I don't think I've ever had such a thorough
review. Bonnie's comments were both intuitive and analytical. She has
saved me a ton of think time by quickly identifying problem passages
(you know, the stuff that bugs you and you just can't put your finger on
why...) and suggesting some pretty decent fixes. So, THANKS!
Reviewers nominated to the honor roll during May include: Treize
Armestidian, Elizabeth Bear, Travis Blair, Aaron Brown (3), David H.
Burton, Greg Byrne, Laura Comerford, Linda Dicmanis, Eric Foulkrod,
cathy freeze, Rhonda S. Garcia, Ray Gonzalez, Melinda Goodin, Michael
Goodwind (3), Penelope Hardy, Craig Hickman, elizabeth hull (2), Carlos
Jimenez-Cortes, Leonid Korogodski (2), Mur Lafferty, chris manucy,
Roger McCook, Ruth Nestvold, Randy Olsen, Larry Payne, A. Creg Peters,
alicia ponder, Kim Purdue (Mr.), Pete Rauschal, Mark Reeder, James
Roarke, Gene Spears, PJ Thompson, Ian Tregillis, John Tremlett (2),
Sandra Ulbrich, jo van de walle, Allen Weinstock, nancy wiest.
We congratulate them all for their excellent reviews. All nominations
received in May can be still found until July 1 at:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml
| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
We can't announce them if you don't let us know! So drop Charlie a line
at support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com whenever you have good news to
share.
More Awards:
Gary Braunbeck, OWW's sometime Guest Editor for Horror, won the Stoker
Award for his story "Duty" -- congratulations, Gary! Look for his EC
review in next month's newsletter.
Resident Editor James Patrick Kelly and OWW member Ruth Nestvold both
made the finalist list for the juried Sturgeon Award. Jim's story is
the same one that's on the Hugo ballot, and Ruth's is the same one that
made the Tiptree short list -- both good stories! Read the announcement
in Locus Online
(http://www.locusmag.com/2004/News/06_SturgeonFinalists.html).
Sales and Publications:
Elizabeth Bear sold "Sleeping Dogs Lie," workshopped as "Liam Lie Down,"
a/k/a/ "The maudlin flying dog story," to _Flytrap_. She tells us "It
was my Dog Dreams challenge story, and I'd like to thank: Terri Trimble,
Allen Newton, Kyri Freeman, Kathryn Allen, Matt Horgan, Leah Bobet,
Derek R. Molata, Hannah Bowen, Meredith L. Patterson and Ruth Nestvold
for their reviews -- Thanks!" And her debut novel HAMMERED is now
available for pre-order! See (http://tinyurl.com/2ma5w). And order!
Leah Bobet sold "Displaced Persons" to _Strange Horizons_
(http://www.strangehorizons.com). This was a monkey story! For the great
April Fool's Day monkey challenge of 2004! Go Leah!
Rhonda Eudaly reports that her story "Why Don't You Get A Real Job?" is
available in _Sinister Sleuths_ at Fictionwise
(http://www.fictionwise.com/).
Fore! Er, four! S. Evans sold her short story "A Piece of the Sun" to
_Talebones_. She tells us "This story was not only workshopped, but it
was an EC piece in November '03. This is the 10th market it was sent
to, and a market that Chelsea Polk turned me on to by a casual mention
about a year ago. Special thanks to Bear, Chels, Larry West and Rhonda
Garcia." You can also look for her short story "The Ravelled Sleeve" in
the June issue of _Kenoma_ (http://www.kenomazine.com/). She practically
taunted everyone to go read it: "It's a story about what happens 80
years AFTER the swan brothers are rescued, set in a nursing home." Her
story "Pearls & Wisdom" will appear in _Fortean Bureau_
(http://www.forteanbureau.com) -- "The story is about decision, fear,
and ownership, and it was workshopped extensively on the OWW. Huge
thank-you to Bear, Tempest, Larry West, Nora Fleischer, Rhonda Garcia,
and most especially Chelsea Polk." Finally, we also know that one of Dr.
Evans's stories won the Minnesota Medical Association's writing contest.
But we're not sure which one! Perhaps she'll write back and tell us for
next month.
Mark Fewell sold his workshopped story "All Wars Are Old Wars" to
_Hadrosaur Tales_ (http://www.zianet.com/hadrosaur). It will appear in
issue #23, due out in August 2005.
Charles Coleman Finlay sold his novel THE PRODIGAL TROLL, but shhhhh!
Don't tell anyone yet. He's waiting for the publisher to announce it
first.
Karen L. Kobylarz sold her story "Cleopatra's Needle" to _Paradox_ for
their June issue, where it will appear with Charles Coleman Finlay's
"The Ill-Fated Crusade." You can order a copy of the magazine from their
Web site: http://home.nyc.rr.com/paradoxmag/. Karen would like to
"thank all the workshop members who took the time to critique this
story. I had it posted back in 2002."
Sandra McDonald is happy to report that _Realms of Fantasy_ just bought
her story "Fir Na Tine."
Mike Pignatella's story "Farmer Blackburn's Wife" sold to _Dark Corners_
magazine. He told us "it was workshopped on the OWW and the feedback
was, as always, tremendously helpful." The most recent issue of _Wicked
Hollow_ contains his workshopped story "A Dish Best Served Cold."
Sarah Prineas sold her novelette "The Chamber of Forgetting" to _Realms
of Fantasy_ and her short story "The Dog Prince" to _Talebones_.
Nigel Read sold "The Dove," previously known as "Childhood's End," to
the _Encounters_ anthology (http://www.camrin.org/csfg/submissions.htm).
He tells us that "the comments of those who critiqued it at OWW were
invaluable."
After the Big 4-9, the Big 5-0! Mikal Trimm sold his story "It's All In
The Knowing" to _Abyss & Apex_ (http://www.abyssandapex.com/) and
another story, "Swallowed By The Shadow," to _Flytrap_. After the
second sale, he informed us: "This is my 50th sale of original fiction
(poems/stories)." And we answered: "Wow!"
Former member Josh Wagner just had his novel THE ADVENTURES OF THE
IMAGINATION OF PERIPHERY STOWE published by BAM Publications in San
Francisco (http://www.bampublications.com/main.php?page=stowe).
Wade White sold his story "Rocket Ship of Dreams" to new market _Lenox
Avenue_ for their second issue due in September. He thanks his
reviewers, Michael Pignatella, T. J. Taylor, M. Thomas, Michael Keyton,
Marsha Sisolak, Ruth Nestvold, Maura McHugh, Sherry Thompson, Stephanie
Burgis, and Lynne Batik.
Rebecca A. Willman sold her story "Moon Lantern" to _Abyss & Apex_
(http://www.abyssandapex.com/) for the September/October issue. It's her
first sale ever, and she says "I just spent about ten minutes bouncing
up and down going 'Eeeeeee!' The story first originated by playing the
picture game months and months ago. I have to say that this story was a
big stretch for me, nothing I would have come up with without the
impetus of the picture game. I highly recommend it to anyone." This is
at least the third workshop picture-game story to sell somewhere.
Mary Wilson's story "Puywae Child" will appear in the August issue of
_Alien Skin_. She says "A big thanks to all who took a look at it. I
really appreciate your comments. This was a challenge story, but alas,
I can't remember which challenge. I want to say a fairy challenge, and
I wanted to do something with undines/merpeople."
Jeremy Yoder's short story "Dueling Wizards" will appear in _Deep Magic_
(http://www.deep-magic.net). He send "Thanks to Robert Haynes and Nathan
CW Smith who critted this piece. I believe there were others, but I lost
their names, so thanks to them as well." If you remember critting this
one, you should drop him a line! In addition, he tells us that his story
"How Christmas Stole the Scrinch," which was first published in late
2001 by _Dragons, Knights, and Angels_, will be reprinted next year in
_Nova SF_.
| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Number of members as of 6/20: 652 paying, 76 trial
Number of submissions currently online: 579
Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 73.2%
Percent of submissions with zero reviews: 3.6%
Average reviews per submission (all submissions): 5.14
Estimated average review word count (all submissions): 569.3
Number of submissions in May: 431
Number of reviews in May: 1923
Ratio of reviews/submissions in May: 4.46
Estimated average word count per review in May: 623.27
Number of submissions in June to date: 271
Number of reviews in June to date: 1204
Ratio of reviews/submissions in June to date: 4.44
Estimated average word count per review in June to date: 574.71
Total number of under-reviewed submissions: 72 (12.4% of total subs)
Number over 3 days old with 0 reviews: 4
Number over 1 week old with under 2 reviews: 25
Number over 2 weeks old with under 3 reviews: 43
| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Got a helpful tip for your fellow members? A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission? Share it with us and we'll publish it in the next
newsletter. Just send it to support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com and
we'll do the rest.
Until next month -- just write!
The Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
| - - Copyright 2004 Online Writing Workshops - - - - - - - - - - - |
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