O | The Online Writing Workshop for SF, F & H Newsletter, Nov. 2004
W | http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!
| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
- Workshop News:
Keri Arthur sells three books to Bantam
Odyssey summer workshop
December writing challenge
Market news
Membership payment information
- Editors' Choices for October submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Tips & Feedback
| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
OWW works! This issue's "Sales and Publications" includes more than 35
announcements from 25 different writers -- there are poetry sales to
genre markets, non-genre sales, sales to up-and-coming 'zines, a
foreign translation, and an e-book publication as well as the usual: a
novel sale, a year's best selection, a first-place contest winner, and
sales to top pro markets like _Interzone_, _Realms of Fantasy_, and
_Strange Horizons_. Read it for the inspiration! The envy! The market
tips!
KERI ARTHUR SELLS THREE NOVELS TO BANTAM
_Publisher's Marketplace_ reported this sale recently: "Keri Arthur's
FULL MOON RISING and two sequels, a dark urban fantasy in which the
full moon's rising, the dance floor's hot, the vamps are naked and the
werewolves are in heat, to Anne Groell at Bantam, in a significant
deal, by Miriam Kriss at the Irene Goodman Agency (world English)."
Long-time OWW members will recognize Keri's name -- she was one of the
very first people to join the workshop when it was originally
sponsored by Del Rey. Back in 1999, she hadn't sold any fiction yet
but she was determined to succeed.
After finishing four or five novels, and striking out with the major
publishers, she sold her first novel to ImaJinn, a small press
specializing in paranormal romances. Keri, who has a full-time job as
a chef, kept up a steady writing pace, producing several novels a year
for ImaJinn (you can check out her bibliography at
http://www.keriarthur.com ).
With her success, Keri no longer had as much time to participate in
OWW. But she hasn't forgotten where she started. "In many ways, I owe
my success to the workshop," she told Charles Coleman Finlay. "That's
where I started honing my skills, and where I met so many of my writer
friends."
Honing her skills was key. Although Keri built up a steady core of
readers who loved her books at ImaJinn, her small press success never
diminished her bigtime aspirations. The whole time she was selling,
Keri focused on improving her craft. She tried to get better with
every novel she wrote.
Until finally her hard work brings this big reward. "If nothing else,
it goes to prove that persistence can pay off!" she said.
Persistence -- and the pursuit of excellence. OWW wishes Keri the
very best success with the next stage of writing career. And we'll be
sure to let you know when FULL MOON RISING goes on sale.
ODYSSEY SUMMER WRITING WORKSHOP
Since its inception in 1996, Odyssey has quickly become one of the
most highly respected workshops for writers of fantasy, science
fiction, and horror. Held on the campus of Saint Anselm College in
Manchester, NH, the workshop runs for six weeks in summer, and
combines an intensive learning and writing experience with in-depth
feedback on students' manuscripts.
OWW Resident Editor Jeanne Cavelos is Odyssey's founder and director.
Cavelos is a best-selling author and former senior editor at Bantam
Doubleday Dell Publishing, where she won the World Fantasy Award for
her work.
This year's writers-in-residence include the team of Melanie Tem and
Steve Rasnic Tem. Combined, the two have won a British Fantasy Award,
a World Fantasy Award, an International Horror Guild Award, and two
Bram Stoker Awards. Other guest lecturers include award-winning
authors Elizabeth Hand, Allen M. Steele, P. D. Cacek, and James
Morrow; genre critic, reviewer, and fiction writer John Clute; and
editor Sheila Williams.
Odyssey runs from June 13-July 22, 2005. Tuition is $1,500 and
housing in on-campus apartments runs $625 for the six weeks. Students
have the option of receiving college credit. Thanks to the generosity
of an anonymous donor and graduate of the program, Odyssey will be
offering three Gandalf Grant scholarships to the most promising
writers of the class of 2005 in the amounts of $1,250, $500, and $250.
The application deadline is April 15, 2005. For more information and
an application, go to http://www.odysseyworkshop.org, send a
self-addressed stamped envelope to Odyssey, 20 Levesque Lane, Box G,
Mont Vernon, NH 03057, or call phone/fax (603) 673-6234.
DECEMBER WRITING CHALLENGE
Given recent discussion on the mailing list, a dialect authenticity
challenge, where one or more characters in the submission speak in a
dialect unlike the author's or unlike other characters, is in order.
Remember: monthly challenges are supposed to be fun, but don't forget
to stretch yourself. If you normally write fantasy, try SF. If
you've never tried space opera, here's your chance. It doesn't have
to be great. It's all about trying new things.
Please don't post your challenge pieces to the workshop until December
1st. Include 'December Challenge' in your title so you can show off
how fancy you are to all your friends.
MARKET NEWS
_Subterranean Magazine_ is a new venture of Subterranean Press, a
publisher known for its high quality hardcover editions including
collections by many of the top authors in the field of science
fiction, fantasy, and horror. _Subterranean_ is not taking
unsolicited submissions at this time, but it is featuring fiction by
authors like Poppy Z. Brite, Harlan Ellison, Caitlin Kiernan, George
R. R. Martin, and others. Subscriptions are available for $22 US per
year. Issue #1 is available for $6. For more information, see: http:
http://www.subterraneanpress.com/
This came into OWW Newsletter Central from Ed Dempster: "To celebrate
the official launch of _CafeDoom_, we're setting a competition running
until the end of November. It's open to both artists and authors, and
details can be found at http://www.cafedoom.com/comp1.html Although
it won't make you rich beyond your wildest dreams (unless you're an
extremely unfortunate person, that is ;) ) it might be fun." He added
that he hopes it will be the first of many competitions there.
And we wanted to share this announcement for our members in the
northwest part of North America: "THE NOVELIST WORKSHOP -- Portland,
Oregon. Learn to keep an audience engrossed, write an outline that
will sell a publisher, and create a best-seller! Attend David
Farland's Novelist Workshop in Portland on November 26-28 and Dec 4-5,
2004. Dave Wolverton, aka David Farland, is a New York Times
best-selling author of over forty science fiction and fantasy novels
for children and adults (THE COURTSHIP OF PRINCESS LEA, RUNELORDS).
The workshop fee is $270 if you register by Nov. 10th or $320 at the
door." For more details, see: http://www.storyisland.com/workshop.htm
MEMBERSHIP PAYMENT INFORMATION
How to pay: In the U.S., you can pay by PayPal or send us a check or
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certain active, review-contributing members whose situations do not
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Bonus payments: The workshop costs only 94 cents per week, but we know
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your chance to award us with a bonus on top of your membership fee.
For example, is the workshop worth five dollars a month to you? Award
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For more information:
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Bonus payments and information about our company:
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Price comparisons:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships_comparison.shtml
| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Editors' Choices are chosen from the submissions from the previous
month that show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of
our Resident Editors. Submissions in four categories -- SF, F,
horror, and short stories -- receive a detailed review, meant to be
educational for others as well as the author.
Reviews are written by our Resident Editors, award-winning authors and
instructors Jeanne Cavelos, James Patrick Kelly, and Kelly Link,
and by experienced science-fiction and fantasy editor Jenni
Smith-Gaynor. The last four months of Editors' Choices and their
editorial reviews are archived on the workshop. Go to the "Read,
Rate, Review" page and click on "Editors' Choices."
Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors!
Editor's Choice, Fantasy Chapter/Partial Chapter:
STORM DANCER, Chapter 4 by Christine Hall
One of the things I liked about Christine Hall's fourth chapter of
STORM DANCER was the use of description. The opening lines were a
little "telling" but sometimes simple descriptions may be necessary
for placing the reader in a particular environment. Taking the first
paragraph and weaving those details into the second paragraph might
strengthen this chapter's opening instead of beginning with what I
call an "establishing movie shot." I like that we get an immediate
sense of the culture, but immerse the reader immediately instead of
leading them.
Describing different cultures is one of the challenges SFF embraces.
This genre loves to dabble in the combination of places and people.
Ms. Hall seems to be setting her story in a desert-culture that has a
Persian flavor -- the differences in her cultures is a keystone to her
novel -- and reminds me of Lois McMaster Bujold and Guy Gavriel Kay's
use of fictional but recognizable cultures. Accessibility by genre
fans is something a professional acquisitions editor may take into
consideration, and I think Christine Hall has done a good job using
the Middle Eastern influences in this chapter.
Dahoud, the retired military man, fights a Djinn who lives inside him.
He mentions it to Tarkan, who does not believe in Djinn. Since Dahoud
tells us that he has a Djinn, I'm not sure if this is true or if this
is an imaginary ruse. I have not read earlier chapters, so I'm not
sure if Djinn are real in Ms. Hall's world. I'd like to see some
evidence to help point me towards understanding Dahoud's character --
are we to believe his anxiety or are we to suspect it? As Tarkan talks
to Dahoud about the military man's secret, perhaps we could see the
Djinn? Dahoud seems to repent past violence against women, but he also
blames the Djinn for this transgression. Was this action or
recollection in earlier chapters? If not, this could be a good place
to dig deeper into Dahoud's character.
I'm not sure why this chapter is called "The White Seer." The Seer is
a woman who offers advice in a riddle or seemingly unrelated advice.
She makes it clear she's not a fortune teller who only reveals tidings
the audience desires. Even Dahoud finds his prognostication too vague.
Since the chapter was titled "The White Seer," I was expecting more
focus to be on her, to be on her vision, but instead, the focus veered
off it. I didn't mind seeing more of the Djinn in Dahoud as a
government administrator appears and assaults a young bellydancer, but
if the chapter is about the White Seer, then the focus should remain
on the Seer.
Ending the chapter with the White Seer instead of the administrator
would help pull attention to her. Dahoud and Tarkan's reaction to her
vision should be stronger, should call attention to itself, should
clue the reader into something the characters might not know, but will
find out later in the story. Move the bellydancer's assault closer to
Dahoud's reference to the Djinn, and the chapter will feel more
coherent.
I'm not convinced we need to hear about the rain dancer in this
chapter. We meet the rain dancer in the next chapter (and perhaps in
the earlier chapters?). The mention of it in this chapter feels like a
setup that isn't necessary since neither Dahoud nor Tarkan show us why
they'd need to know this. If Dahoud has a missive from the king to
deal with the casually mentioned rain dancer, we might need to see
more of his reaction to the administrator's casual gossip. Again, the
attention feels like it ought to be on this news, but since this
chapter is trying to do so many things at once, I'm not really seeing
the truly important plot clues. Stay focused on what this chapter is
doing and it will be stronger.
I think Christine Hall is headed in the right direction with STORM
DANCER. I like her characters and think she's got the plot moving
right along. Pay attention to the focus of the chapter and it will
have more impact on the reader. Accessible but not derivative
cultures, characters, and plots make for an enjoyable read and a more
receptive editor.
--Jenni Smith-Gaynor
Former editor, Del Rey Books
Editor's Choice, SF Chapter/Partial Chapter:
GOBLIN GAS 16-20 by Brant Williams
Brant's YA novel of spunky kids versus goblins is for the most part a
pleasure to read. Interspersed among the adventures of a clutch of
well-drawn kids are terrific info-dumps which Brant calls goblin
interludes. These short essays, of which there are two in this
segment, describe the world of the goblins, who emerge from their
tunnels to eat children. Not just any children, you must understand,
but only children who taste good. And what children taste the best?
According to the goblin Vishnak, naughty children are sweetest on the
palate. But then along comes the goblin Gool, whose researches
indicate that it is not naughtiness per se that makes children
scrumptious. Rather it is unhappiness. Thereafter the goblins'
mission changes from locating bad boys and girls to vexing perfectly
good kids to make them unhappy. The goblins accomplish this by using
goblin gas on parents to convince moms and dads everywhere that
"things children hated were good for them." For those laboring
under the misapprehension that all infodumps are boring and must be
avoided whenever possible, I commend a close study of Brant's
technique here.
Against this delightful, if potentially gruesome backstory, comes our
hero Jack, who has discovered the entrance to the goblin tunnels.
This segment describes Jack's first serious foray into goblin land,
which he explores with his friends, Morgan and Cheezy. Things go awry
and Cheezy is caught. In a rescue attempt, Jack and Morgan are
befriended by a good goblin and meet one of the other boys that the
goblins have captured.
Brant keeps the plot perking nicely with incident but takes time for
some lovely grace notes which bring his characters to life. For
instance, as they are sneaking around the tunnels, the kids discover a
mysterious room filled with cages. "The room was only dimly lit so
Jack couldn't see the back of the cages to see what kinds of animals
were kept. He was about to go on when Morgan grabbed his arm and
started squeezing. Jack pulled away from her. 'What's wrong with you?'
he said in a harsh whisper. It wasn't like her to do something like
that. Morgan didn't say anything; she just pointed to one of the
cages. And then Jack saw what she was pointing at. Sticking out of one
of the cages was a foot. A human foot." I like Morgan's reaction a
lot: she doesn't scream or go into a panic, although she is clearly
horrified. But she has the presence of mind to force Jack to see what
she has seen in a way that doesn't give their position away. But I
also like Jack's reaction. Clearly he knows Morgan well enough to
believe that she is to be trusted -- "It wasn't like her to do
something like that." A small move on Brant's part, yes, but so
deft.
Another fine moment comes when they are going to rescue Cheezy and
Jack asks Morgan what supplies she has brought to the expedition.
"She pulled out a mirror, a can of mace, a box of granola bars, a
canteen filled with water (Jack felt dumb that he hadn't thought of
that), an extra pair of socks, and three Chinese throwing stars stolen
from her brother. 'Socks?' asked Jack. Extra socks were not very high
on his list of things to bring. 'I hate wearing smelly socks and if
we're down here for more than a day, I want to have fresh socks.' She
glared at Jack and he dropped the subject." Just great, sez me!
I will note that Brant has a few style tics that need to be watched.
He has a tendency to lapse into the passive voice, for example. He
relies far too much on one sentence paragraphs. I think he resorts to
this technique for dramatic emphasis, but overuse undercuts the
effect. And from time to time he steps on his best lines. For
instance, immediately after Morgan sees the foot in the excerpt I
cited above, the narration continues, "And then Jack realized what
the cages were for. These weren't cages for animals; they kept kids in
these cages." Well, yes, but I'd cut "they kept kids in these cages"
since seeing the human foot makes it abundantly clear.
One potential challenge which this section does not address is the
horror factor inherent in the conceit of the goblin world. While it
is possible to imagine a narrative in which we actually see kids being
slaughtered and eaten, such a novel would hardly be considered YA.
But if the only kids who die do so anonymously and offstage, then
where is the danger to our heroes? Since the tone of the goblin
interludes is ironic and often funny, I'm thinking that Brant wants to
steer a course toward lighter shores.
Nonetheless, the goblin world is fundamentally horrific and Brant will
have to be watchful not to run aground on his darker materials.
Still, TV folks made a sitcom set in a concentration camp and parents
still tell their kids the story of Hansel and Gretel, so there is
precedent.
In any event, you've got something interesting going on here, Brant.
Press on!
(As you may have read elsewhere, this will be my last Editor's Choice.
I'm leaving the OWW to join the faculty of the Stonecoast MFA Program
at the University of Southern Maine. I have enjoyed reading your
novels and regret that I did not get to more of them in my all-too
brief tenure here. I wish you nothing but the best and look forward
to seeing all of you in print!)
--James Patrick Kelly
Author of STRANGE BUT NOT A STRANGER and THINK LIKE A DINOSAUR
http://www.jimkelly.net
Editor's Choices, Short Story:
CLEAN FAITH by David Emmanuel
EVERYTHING THAT MATTERS by Jeff Spock
This month I wanted to take a look at two stories, both science fiction, and both dealing (in very different ways) with medical procedures and profound personal changes. "Everything That Matters," once it's gone through a rewrite, should be an excellent traditional science fiction story. I'd recommend sending it to Asimov's or F&SF. "Clean Faith," on the other hand, may be a better fit at one of the webzines like Strange Horizons or an anthology like POLYPHONY. It's one of the strengths of science fiction that it can contain two stories tackling similar themes in such different ways.
A confession: I've read an earlier version of Jeff Spock's "Everything That Matters" at the Clarion West workshop. But it seems useful to take another look at it here, on the OWW. This story hooks the reader at the very beginning, as the narrator, a diver on an alien world, is attacked and half-eaten by a giant Moray-eel-like predator. The situation is gruesome but gripping, the setting and premise are promising, and the prose is (mostly) clean and professional. While the beginning promises an enjoyably pulpy, seat-of-the-pants adventure story, and the middle of the story has some excellent details as the narrator gets a new body, complete with new legs, arm, stomach, skin, reproductive tackle, and new breathing gills, the last third of the story feels less vivid, and less convincing.
This is a story about Pete Russo, a somewhat cocky adventurer and thrill-seeker, who has been justifiably proud of his body and of what he is physically capable of achieving. When he's forced to adapt to the loss of his old body and his old life, and to outwit an employer who may have tried to kill him, too many of his actions seem implausible and passive. Why does he automatically reject the idea of returning to Earth and to his friends? Would a new body with useful modifications really be so very strange and taboo? Do his friends even know what has happened to him? Why not stage a conversation with video between Pete and Katrina or one of the other women or friends he so easily decides to abandon? Or why not avoid the whole problem and merely have him talk to Maggie, his doctor and new lover, about his fears about going back to his old life? It would be nice to have more conversation between Pete and Maggie anyway, to show us (rather than merely telling us) that she matters to him as more than proof than he can still function sexually.
We also need to know more about Abunay, his employer, and why Pete goes back to him. We need to know that Pete has done his homework and knows what he's getting into, or we care less about his fate. We need to know that Pete has a plan, rather than a vague suspicion and a hope that he knows how his diving equipment has been rigged, and how to use it against Abunay. For that matter, even in this new version, I'm still not sure why Abunay would have tried to murder his divers with a Kotanchik's Moray while they're still working for him, rather than simply extracting the location of the alien Wepper ship from them onboard ship, and then disposing of them. And why does Abunay need to hire and then murder these divers anyway? If he's trying to keep them from spilling the secret of the location to the authorities, why doesn't he just pay them and ship them off planet again? Abunay is a vaguely sinister figure, mysterious when he should be fleshed out. There's something unsatifyingly comic-book-super-villain about his use of the Kotanchik's Moray as a murder device, and yet we don't even get a monologue or any moustache twirling.
More questions. Why, if the Kotanchik's Moray is a territorial predator, doesn't it attack Pete once it's been summoned to the scene of the Wepper ship? It seems like an awful big risk for Pete to take, when he could have sent the device on its way up earlier, and then hid and watched to see if the Kotanchik's arrived, and what it did upon its arrival. There's a whiff of the idiot plot here. Everything seems as if it's going to work out fine for Pete, but there hasn't been nearly enough handwaving, let alone setup, to satisfy me.
On the level of setting and character, I need more solid description. I would like to see Pete fall in love with the planet of Orin as well as with Maggie. We need to see Orin. At one point, Pete says that he's missed the sea, but I thought Orin was mostly sea. I want to have a sense of how daily life, hospital life, human interaction with environment might be different on an ocean planet. I need more little details. I want to know if water on Orin feels different from water on Earth, if the tides behave differently, if there are storms, if Pete's hospital room looks out on the sea, or if it's underwater like Maggie's apartment, and if so, if the sight of the water gives him nightmares or fills him with longing, or both.
I'd like to know if Maggie's modified body feels cooler or hotter or denser and if Pete imagines making love to her underwater. On his way to dinner, he floats "down a glass elevator through teeming life and gray-green seas. 'Wow,' I found myself thinking, 'What a beautiful planet.' This is boiler-plate description and writing. You need to make the prose work harder. You can say simply, "It was beautiful" and then tell us how it was beautiful with one or two details that really tell ("teeming life and gray-green seas" don't cut it). Then, much as I usually stress having characters look at themselves in reflective surfaces, I think you should tell us that Pete catches sight of himself in the elevator glass. What does he look like to himself? Strangely beautiful, like the planet? Does he horrify himself? Both?
In the first section, watch your pacing and structure. When you describe the Kotanchik's Moray as "a long carpet of flesh," that's good detail. But move up the sentence ending "six rows of dull teeth," so all the description flows together. Let the paragraph end on Abunay and what he would or wouldn't have known or done. We need that detail pulled out and highlighted a little. Try cutting lines like "Everything was going dim," which feel like attempts to punch up tension, but instead deflate it. Don't tell us how the electrolytic batteries work, and then offhandedly mention that the mention they're working is because Pete's heart had stopped - this is weirdly reversed story order. Cut everything so that the long paragraph about being a "human cork" and cursing his fate becomes, instead "It was dark. I was numb. I floated; I dreamt." And then cut to the hospital. The paragraphs about treasure and the meaninglessness of it all are hokey, and drain all the tension out of the scene. You shouldn't be either infodumping or telegraphing the meaning of the story here.
Maggie and Pete's dialogue in bed doesn't ring quite true. I don't believe Maggie would say, "It's my fault." I don't think she thinks anyone is to blame. I think she'd talk about other things, ask Pete about his life on Earth. This will give the reader more background and character. Again, on the phone, the dialogue doesn't quite work. If Maggie doesn't trust Abunay, why is she calling on a phone that she should know is probably bugged? The conversation feels cliched and clunky and as if it's only there because the writer knows the romantic subplot needs be complicated somehow, and then to move towards resolution. There's no texture: we don't learn anything new about Maggie or Pete as characters. We don't grow to care more about them.
On the sentence level, writers need to beware language like "I had been looking up at the sun's bronze rays moving on the face of waters." This may look poetic when you type it, but it feels leaden and non-visual, especially in a scene where something dramatic is happening. Same thing with the description of the sea, later in the story: "The beauty was all the more impressive for its austerity." This kind of description kills narrative flow, and it isn't necessary. Besides, you've got an excellent description directly below: "I dropped through a school of gold-scaled flatfish, who formed a frightened bagel around me then zipped off." Keep your language lively.
A little later, describing the Kotanchik's: "It was long, and liquid, and beautiful; when it turned corners it wasn't like a fish, it was like a ribbon." That's fantastic, but the next sentence dies on the vine: "It looks as if there was something slid in the water, and that this long body turned around it and slid past." Cut that sentence, and instead tell us what Pete feels like when he sees the predator that ate his lower half. And I wish I knew what Pete felt like, on finding the alien ship: in a way, I'm more in sympathy with Abunay's excited awe than I am with the man he tried to kill. I want to feel that sense of wonder.
"Clean Faith" is about half the length of "Everything That Matters." There's no dismemberment, no treasure hunting; the main character's transformation is internal, more personal, and the decision to change is made of her own free will. Some readers will prefer a story like "Everything That Matters" while others are more moved by "Clean Faith": frankly, I want both kinds of stories. It even seems to me that both authors might benefit from taking a look at how each handles characters, dialogue, pacing, telling details.
I have a strong sense of Adele as a character, and I find the immediate details of her world convincing: for example, that she is taking her wafer in the same examination room where she goes for her gynecological exam. The fact that she finds this funny makes me like her. (I would cut the next sentence, beginning "I've sat on this table dozens of times. . ." It doesn't add anything, and the prose works best here when it's economical.) I find Adele and Sara's relationship convincing as well.
And yet, I have some quibbles with the larger world of the story, and how chemically-enhanced religious programming works, exactly. On the first read, because the writing is strong, and the characters are engaging, I couldn't put my finger on what was thin, why the story didn't, in the end, work. On a second reading, I think I have more of an idea: this is a story about faith and relationships, God and family, and while there's plenty about Adele and Sara, there's no God in the story, and no family, either. In fact, because the story doesn't mention God at all, or bring up Adele's current relationship with her own family or with Sara's family, I don't even have useful advice, except to say that these things have to be part of the story. When you, the author, tell us that "Sara's family cares deeply about religion," I think what you mean is that while Adele's family has gone through the motions, Sara's family has a richer and more sincere relationship with a God of some kind. As for Adele, I don't even know if she believes in God.
The idea of the wafer and of spiritual reprogramming is extremely interesting, and I'm prepared to buy it. But I'd also like to know if, when Adele takes the first wafer, if she's spiritually changed or numbed or awakened -- if she feels an absence, or if, surprisingly, she still feels a numinous presence. What I'm saying is that this story should be about whether Adele sees God or whether Adele, for the first time, _doesn't_ see God, and how she is changed by the experience. The riff on lawn salad feels pointless and rather silly, by the way, although the bit about dancing feels right. There is something ritualistic and ecstatic (in the ritual sense) about dancing, and I think you should explore that.
I also don't understand the blowing dust on the bookcase. Authenticity versus the appearance of authenticity is a theme throughout the story, but the description of the bookcase is confusing and labored. I also rather miss the mention of Butler and McHugh, which was in the draft I first read online. It was a nice detail, which gave me some insight into Adele as well as into the story. Butler and McHugh both write wonderful, intelligent science fiction about religion and sexuality, and this felt like a nod to them, an appropriate homage. I'd suggest putting them back. I'd also suggest letting Adele pick up one of Sara's books and letting it fall open at random (can you do that with a holographic book?). Give us a quotation, a bible verse, a piece of beautiful revelation, even if it's something strange or comical rather than something appropriate.
I don't think it serves anything in the story to save the revelation that Adele is converting (via wafer) to Catholicism. This isn't a payoff of any kind, so I'm not sure why you're withholding it. In fact, withholding it feels like a cheap solution to the problem of explaining to the reader how two nice lesbians -- one a devout Catholic -- manage to balance their sexual orientation against a religion which not only views gay sex as a mortal sin, but now also has a wafer designed to conveniently change unCatholic behaviors and habits. When I extrapolate what I know of religion, and a future where people can chemically alter their lifestyles, this isn't (sadly) the Catholic Church that I end up with.
You've set yourself a number of challenges with the structure of this story. Once Adele has taken the first wafer, it seems she can't even recognize the Lutheran medallion that her uncle gave her. She isn't supposed to speak to Sara, her lover. She isn't supposed to do anything particularly narrative-worthy, in fact, lest the procedure be jeopardized. I'm impressed by how interesting the story manages to be, in spite of these proscriptions, and yet I have to admit that I still want to know more about the larger world of the story. Is everyone programmed to a specific belief system? What religions are extinct? Which are booming? What kind of Catholic Church has become warmly accepting of lesbian marriages? Are religious tensions eased or are acts of terrorism and war (in the name of one God or another) more accepted? Is programming required by law or just socially approved/status quo? Are there other sorts of programming? Is Bush still President? (Just kidding, kind of.) How did Adele and Sara meet, and is interfaith marriage common? What is Adele's relationship with her family like? Why did she bring a gift from her uncle to the clinic? Is she close to him? Do all religiously mismatched lovers convert, one way or another? Are there people who choose -- as Adele is tempted to choose -- not to take that second wafer? I know that you probably can't answer all of these questions, but you need to address some of them.
All the details about scents like mint and lemon suggest that more than religious preferences are chemically programmed or enhanced. Adele's whole personality seems to be undergoing a tectonic plate shift. But the mentions of mint, etc, feel far too significant, and it would be more interesting (and richer) if the changes in her taste had to do with things like television shows, brands of food, taste in popular music (or distaste for popular music). It doesn't seem all that unlikely that large corporations would see a chance to enforce brand loyalty in the same ways that the various religions in Adele's world seem to keep hold on their congregations. Why not link specific brands of religion to specific marketing trends? I don't want to overwhelm your story, or turn it into a satire about consumer culture, but there may be room for some subtle pricks, as well as space for personal revelations about the nature of God.
On the sentence level, I have very few suggestions. I'm not sure how one feels a "drug throbbing in my stomach." Maybe it should be the wafer throbbing? And it seems a little naive of Adele to wonder why her stomach is throbbing instead of her head, after she's just eaten something peculiar. In general, there maybe a little too much description of Adele's nausea, lightheadedness, pounding headache, etc. There's a suggestion that this discomfort is intentional, but the story rushes us past this. The hint of Orwellian conditioning here isn't fleshed out enough: it feels clunky, both underdone and overdone.
I'd love to see a conversation staged between Adele and the nurse about Adele's token, and what she makes of it. ("What's that?" "I don't know. It's pretty.")
Look out for sentences like "When I first looked at Sara's bookcase years ago, the images loosened ripples in my chest. Something between a short skirt and homemade comfort food. I can't feel the bubbles now. . ." I try to picture this, and _my_ head hurts. Be specific and keep your description grounded. Don't try so hard to be whimsically inventive. Tell us what books of Sara's Adele recognized, which she immediately wanted to read, which books Sara looked embarrassed about, but which Adele recognized with enthusiasm. I'm not sure it serves any point to have holographic books instead of books, except that it suggests, sadly, that in this world, the words in books might be as impermanent and vulnerable to alteration as religious convictions. I don't trust the people who run Adele's world not to tamper with fiction, religion, or reality. (Which makes this story, sadly, feel all the more pertinent this month.)
--Kelly Link
Editor of TRAMPOLINE, available from Small Beer Press
http://www.kellylink.net/
Editor's Choice, Horror:
EMBRACING THE DARK -- Prologue and Ch. 1
by Michael Pignatella
These chapters embody strengths and weaknesses I see in the work of
many developing writers, so I would recommend that everyone read your
submission and look for these same elements in their own work.
Many developing writers, in their quest to build a suspenseful plot
and compelling characters, don't spend an equivalent amount of time
struggling to figure out what they have to say about life, the
universe, and everything that's any different than what everyone else
is saying, and how best to say that. I don't know how much of your
writing time has been spent on this issue -- some writers spend their
whole careers searching for what they want to say about life -- but
this is an important process through which all good writers must go.
A major impediment to externalizing our own unique experiences,
beliefs, ideas, and views of the universe, is the very way we learn.
We learn through imitation. We learn to write by reading. We absorb
the stories we read; we gain expectations about how sentences are
supposed to look, how paragraphs are supposed to end, how stories are
supposed to begin. We consume all of this, and to some degree, in
writing, we regurgitate this material. Sven Birkerts describes it
this way:
"The description we write will inevitably be a composite, a reworking
of a hundred-odd descriptions that have dissolved together inside.
For I don't think that we ever really forget what we read, any more
than we forget what we experience.... This is where the
subterranean influence of reading plays its part. The writers we read
furnish us with expectations -- they teach us how we like to see and
feel and hear and think about things. So while it is true that we
wrote the description...discovered it inside ourselves phrase by
phrase, we will, if we are honest, share at least some part of the
credit with E. B. White and Eudora Welty and Norman Maclean and Henry
David Thoreau and the innumerable others whose words are packed like
silt inside us."
Erasing these influences from our brains is not possible, and hey --
we could have worse problems than bits of White and Welty and Thoreau
turning up in our work. What we must do, however, is process these
influences and incorporate them into our voice, our themes, our way of
seeing and writing about the world. J. R. R. Tolkien describes the
process of creating a story this way:
"It grows like a seed in the dark out of the leaf-mould of the mind:
out of all that has been seen or thought or read, that has long ago
been forgotten, descending into the deeps."
The "leaf-mould" of your mind not only contains all you have read, but
also all you've experienced, all you've thought. It contains you, and
if you can fully access that leaf-mould when you're writing, you will
write the most original, most powerful, most moving prose ever.
Unfortunately, when we write, it's a lot easier for our brains to
access other texts we've read than to access our thoughts and
experiences.
I think most of us would recognize this situation: you start reading
a certain author (Stephen King, Harlan Ellison, fill in the blank),
and you love his stuff. You read a bunch of it. Then you sit down to
write a story and...suddenly you're writing in that author's
style. He's infected the top layer of your leaf-mould, and when you
reach into that part of your brain, that's what comes out.
That's the most obvious example of this issue. For most of us, the
influences are more diverse. This also makes them harder to detect.
As I said above, it's not possible to erase these influences. But
what each of us must do is to take control of these resources, so we
can choose those techniques and ideas that help us build our own
unique and coherent voice and themes, and discard (or bury as deeply
as we can) those that don't fit or that just aren't very good.
One of the cosmic ironies here is that much of what we remember of
what we've read is the bad stuff -- the cliches, the derivative plots,
the pedestrian prose. We remember these more because we've read them
more. A cliche becomes a cliche because it is overused. Chances are,
the number of times you've read "he felt a great weight lift from his
shoulders" far exceeds the number of times you've read "All our
yesterdays have lighted fools/The way to dusty death." So when we
regurgitate a chunk from our leaf-mould into our story, it's more
likely to be a cliche or overused device rather than a brilliant turn
of phrase or unusual twist. This is why it's critical that we each
take control of our leaf-mould.
Like most of us, Michael is locked in a battle for control of his
leaf-mould -- and I apologize, Michael, for using you as an example.
Your battle here is no more severe than most other developing
writers', but the examples are clearer, which led me to focus on this
issue in your critique.
In these chapters, I see some beautiful and original writing; I see
indications of an original voice, and an original sensibility. On p.
4, there's a very nice description of the main character's English
teacher:
"Now it was clear that it was Mr. Heckler, his sad eyes, his rumpled
corduroy sports jacket, the button down shirt, tieless, the neck open.
And the baseball cap, the beaten-up, hand-wrenched Boston Red Sox
baseball cap that Mr. Heckler wore almost constantly, his gray hair
tufting out like shrubbery."
A few paragraphs later, we get another strong, vivid image: "With a
quick swipe of his hand, he knocked the cell phone out of the man's
hand, watching as it bounced once on the pavement and then nestled on
the grass, perched like an Easter egg waiting to be discovered." And
on p. 6, there's a strong description of an elderly receptionist, "a
prim slip of a woman who seemed frozen in time, embalmed as much by
her fastidiousness as by the tedium of her routine."
Some elements of the plot also feel different and original, such as
when the main character, an associate at a law firm, is made "first
chair" on a major case. The author clearly has both talent and skill,
and is well down the road toward developing into a strong writer.
Yet derivative, familiar elements keep cropping up, diluting the
strength and originality.
The prologue here is pretty much the standard horror prologue that
appeared in the great majority of horror novels published in the
1980s. While it contains a few nice turns of phrase, the plot of the
prologue is entirely predictable, and there is nothing significantly
fresh or original about it. As an editor at Bantam Doubleday Dell in
the '80s and '90s, I probably received about fifty of these a month.
As the director of the Odyssey Writing Workshop, I continue to see
such prologues regularly. From other sections of this submission, I
know that this author has more originality in him, but when he reached
inside to write an opening for his book, he grabbed a very stale piece
of leaf-mould.
Some chunks of prose also appear that are much weaker and more
familiar than the descriptions I quoted above. On p. 2, the main
character's wife is described as having "eyes a deep blue that flashed
when she was angry or happy." "Flashing eyes" are a very old and
cliched description. Similarly, comparing unlikable characters to
used-car salesmen (p. 6) is a much overused device. And having a
character look into a mirror, so the author can describe his
appearance from his point of view, is another overused device.
On pp. 5-6, the author falls into what I call the "Stephen King school
of parentheses":
"Josh wasn't much of an art connoisseur (you could take the poverty
out of the boy but not the boy out of poverty, he thought), but he
could tell, without asking, that the decor here was the real deal. He
passed by the reception desk, where Ms. Carnahan (she was Ms. Carnahan
to the associates, Ginny to the partners) held court."
The most common influence to appear in the work of developing horror
writers is Stephen King, so you want to make sure your work doesn't
sound anything like Stephen King, and isn't structured anything like
Stephen King. No one can be a better Stephen King than Stephen King,
so you don't want to waste your time trying. Instead, be the best you
that you can. No one can be you better than you.
So the challenge for Michael, and for all of us, is to recognize these
bad chunks from our leaf-mould when they spew out, and to challenge
ourselves to dig deeper and try to come up with something that more
intimately reflects our experiences, our feelings, and our view of the
universe -- that truly reflects who we are.
If you'd like to read more on this topic, you can find my essay
"Innovation in Horror" in both THE COMPLETE HANDBOOK OF NOVEL WRITING
and WRITING HORROR: A HANDBOOK BY THE HORROR WRITERS ASSOCIATION (from
Writer's Digest Books).
--Jeanne Cavelos
http://www.odysseyworkshop.org/
| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop recognizes members who
have given useful, insightful reviews. After all, that's what makes
the workshop go, so we want to give great reviewers a little
well-earned recognition!
If you got a really useful review and would like to add the reviewer
to the Reviewer Honor Roll, use our online honor-roll nomination form
-- log in and link to it from the bottom of the Reviewer Honor
Roll page at http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml.
Your nomination will appear on the first day of the next calendar
month.
The Honor Roll will show all November nominations beginning December 1. Here are two advance highlights from this month:
Reviewer: Aaron Brown
Submission: The Spear and the Shield - Ch23 - Choices by John Dale Renton
Submitted by: John Dale Renton
Nominator's Comments: Aaron has provided great reviews all along - but
he really "nailed" the key weakness in this chapter - and for that I
am extremely grateful. Many thanks, Aaron!"
Reviewer: Susan Elizabeth Curnow
Submission: Darkspire Reaches Chapter One by elizabeth hull
Submitted by: elizabeth hull
Nominator's Comments: Susan has an amazing ability to see right into a
plot, even the bit I was not wanting to have out in the open. Her
insight keeps me going.
Reviewers nominated to the honor roll during October include: A.P.
Agill, Kathryn Allen, Susan Elizabeth Curnow, Todd Field, Leo
Korogodski, James Lemacks, Sandra McDonald, Kevin Miller, A. Creg
Peters, Kenneth Rapp, Jay Saul, Jone Sterling, Tracey Stewart, Ruth
Williams, Jeremy Yoder.
We congratulate them all for their excellent reviews. All nominations
received in October can be still found until December 1 at:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml
| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
We can't announce them if you don't let us know! So drop Charlie a
line at support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com whenever you have good
news to share.
Sales and Publications:
Melissa Alsgaard took in a harvest of sales this October, "Pixie on a
Pin" to _Flytrap_, "Blessed Woman" to _Shadowed Realms_, and "Vows"
(which was workshopped as "Penance") to _Aoife's Kiss_. She sends her
"thanks to the usual suspects including but not limited to Michael
Keyton, Roger McCook, Chris Manucy, Carol Seck, & Randy Simpson. An
extra thanks to Ben Rosenbaum whose review of 'Pixie' led me to a
lightbulb-over-my-head moment. Thank you all."
Keri Arthur (http://www.keriarthur.com) sold FULL MOON RISING, a dark
urban fantasy, and two sequels to Bantam.
Nigel Atkinson's story "Vigilante Man" is in the October (Halloween)
edition of UK magazine "Thirteen"
(http://www.thirteenmagazine.co.uk/).
Kate Bachus's short story "Echo, Sonar" appears in the November 8
issue of _Strange Horizons_ (http://www.strangehorizons.com).
_LitHaven_ (http://www.lithaven.com/main/index.php), a blog portal to
spec fiction on the Internet, recently published a mini-interview with
Elizabeth Bear. And she's got her name on the cover of the latest
issue of _Interzone_ (http://www.ttapress.com/IZ.html), where you can
read her story "When you Visit the Magoebaskloof Hotel, Be Certain not
to Miss the Samango Monkeys."
Brad Beaulieu's "Flotsam" placed second in Writers of the Future XX
early last year and is the current volume of the WRITERS OF THE
FUTURE anthology (http://www.writersofthefuture.com). He told us:
"This story was created based on one of the Writing Challenges: write
a story that doesn't use sight. It spurred this story, and just look
what happened. I wrote the story and then workshopped it on OWW. I
definitely think those crits helped push 'Flotsam' over the top."
Leah Bobet saw her short story "Sonnets Made of Wood" in the December
issue of _Realms of Fantasy_. Someday she may let Charlie forget that
he didn't care for the title... but somehow we doubt that. You can
also read her poem "Leonid's Family Reunion" in the October 25 issue
of _Strange Horizons_ (http://www.strangehorizons.com). And her story
"Displaced Persons," originally published in _Strange Horizons_, will
be reprinted in THE YEAR'S BEST SCIENCE FICTION AND FANTASY FOR YOUNG
READERS, edited by Patrick Nielsen Hayden and Jane Yolen. The
anthology is slated for release from Tor in hardcover in May 2005.
Hannah Bowen has sold workshop grad "Pursued by a Bear" to _Strange
Horizons_ (http://www.strangehorizons.com). Also, we don't think she
ever officially announced that back in August _ChiZine_
(http://www.chizine.com) bought "Troll Bridge" -- perhaps because it
still needs a new title. She tells us that "Those are SFWA-pro sales
three and four. Guess I've gotta stop claiming the first ones were
flukes." Fluke, fluke, fluke, fluke.
Michael C. Farrell has a story in the latest issue of _Flash Me_
(http://www.angelfire.com/biz5/authors/mag/issue6.html).
Mark Fewell's "Some Bullets" is the lead story in _Hardosaur Tales_
#20. Mark writes: "This story was solicitied by Selina Rosen of Yard
Dog Press for an anthology of modern day fairy tales. In other words,
it was a story I was asked to write. Selina rejected it so I sent to
it to _Hardosaur Tales_ where it was accepted."
Charles Coleman Finlay saw his short story "Pervert" translated into
Hebrew by Rami Shalheveth for the September 2004 issue of _The Tenth
Dimension_, an Israeli fantasy and science fiction magazine.
Kyri Freeman's story "The Elf Knight and Lady Isabelle" appears in
CLOAKED IN SHADOW: DARK TALES OF ELVES. About the story, Kyri wrote:
it was inspired by the similarly-named traditional ballad. While
listening to the Steeleye Span rendition in my car, I screeched to a
halt (on a dark and fortunately deserted Santa Cruz Mountains road),
shouting, 'I know why he kills them!' From that sudden inspiration,
the story was born."
Ilona Gordon, co-authoring with husband Andrew, has the feature story
in the latest _Flash Me_
(http://www.angelfire.com/biz5/authors/mag/issue6.html).
Eric Griffin's story "The Second Chance of Clevon Walker" won first
place in the 2003 Phobos science fiction contest and was published in
ALL THE RAGE THIS YEAR.
Vylar Kaftan sold "Sharksheep Suit" to _Lenox Avenue_
(http://www.lenoxavemag.com). Vy chose the market "because of the
incredibly funny bios of the editors on the site, and I figured they'd
appreciate a story about sharksheep."
Sandra ("Go Red Sox!") McDonald sold "The Instrument" to
_Chiaroscuro_, aka _ChiZine_, (http://www.chizine.com) for January
2005 publication and also sold "Papa and the Sea" to _Andromeda
Spaceways Inflight Magazine_ (http://www.andromedaspaceways.com) for
June 2005. In addition to helpfully providing urls to us for the
magazines, she writes: "Both stories were workshopped on OWW and many
thanks to Robert Haynes, Greg Faherty, Michael Pignatella, William
Freedman, Roger McCook, jo van de walle, chance m, Marlissa Campbell
and Brit Marschalk (and anyone I may have forgotten!) for their
feedback and encouragement."
Maura McHugh writing as Maire NicAodh has a story in the latest issue
of _Flash Me_ (http://www.angelfire.com/biz5/authors/mag/issue6.html).
Pam McNew's poem "Rural Blessings" appeared in the November 15 issue
of _Strange Horizons_ (http://www.strangehorizons.com). She says
"although it wasn't workshopped at OWW, workshop members Jaime Voss
and Simon Owens contributed to it's construction." Go read it. Go on.
You know you want to.
J. P. Moore's novel ONE SOLD was recently published by Double Dragon
Publishing (http://www.double-dragon-ebooks.com/) as an e-book.
Several chapters of ONE SOLD were workshopped under the title THE
MINOTAUR. Chapter 1 won one of our first Editor's Choice spots, and
the whole manuscript was one of the finalists in the e-book contest
OWW ran with Del Rey. Jeff sends "special thanks to all of the editors
and members of the OWW community who helped make this possible!"
Chelsea Polk's story "If One Should Pass This Way Again" appears in
the November issue of _The Fortean Bureau_
(http://www.forteanbureau.com). We had to find this out for ourselves
by reading the magazine, which we strongly recommend to everyone,
because Ms. Polk is too busy creating new fictions to keep us informed
about her publications. Alas.
Former OWWer Sarah Prineas saw her novelette "The Chamber of
Forgetting" in the December issue of _Realms of Fantasy_.
Benjamin Rosenbaum sold short story "Orphans" to _Timothy McSweeney's
Quarterly Concern_.
Richard Dean Starr's story "Unfinished Business," co-authored with Ed
Gorman, appears in the HELLBOY: ODDER JOBS anthology, edited by
Christopher Golden. And his story "Fear Itself," workshopped at OWW,
sold to CEMETERY DANCE magazine and will be appearing in early 2005.
He told us: "The workshop has been an invaluable creative tool for me.
I look forward to being a part of the workshop for many years to
come!"
Stewart Sternberg sold "The Demon You Say" to _Sinisteria_. He told
us that the story was "reviewed on this site, and then I got a tip for
the submission as well." The critbone is connected to the networkbone.
Wade White sold "Night of the Living Thread" to _Fortean Bureau_
(http://www.forteanbureau.com). And he didn't say anything more about
it to us than that!
Jeremy Yoder had what he considers a mainstream piece entitled "The
Cost of Mermaids" to _Leafing Through_
(http://www.gorlan.co.uk/leaf.php). Jeremy says: "It's a new ezine
that pays in pounds. But for now it's a shaky market since the
contract was unique: 'Payment is 25 pounds, unless issue 1 does
poorly, in which case, 10 pounds.' But as its website says, it does
take SF, F, and H." He adds: "On a side note, the always
sharp-looking _Deep Magic_ (http://www.deep-magic.net) is now running
my 'Dueling Wizards' fantasy piece in their November issue." He also
has a story in the just-released anthology CLOAKED IN SHADOW: DARK
TALES OF ELVES. And finally, just as we were going to press, he wrote
us this: "My novella 'The Outcasts' that I submitted a year ago was
accepted by Novel Books, Inc. for an antho that will contain 4
novellas. Thanks to Seth Skorkowsky, Eric Bresin, Isaac Jourden, and
Gary Beharry, for critting the first 5000 words way back then."
| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Number of members as of 11/20: 642 paying, 78 trial
Number of submissions currently online: 506
Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 73.7%
Percent of submissions with zero reviews: 2.6%
Average reviews per submission (all submissions): 5.11
Estimated average review word count (all submissions): 648.89
Number of submissions in October: 363
Number of reviews in October: 1680
Ratio of reviews/submissions in October: 4.63
Estimated average word count per review in October: 734.77
Number of submissions in November to date: 204
Number of reviews in November to date: 900
Ratio of reviews/submissions in November to date: 4.41
Estimated average word count per review in November to date: 655.86
Total number of under-reviewed submissions: 62 (12.2% of total subs)
Number over 3 days old with 0 reviews: 1
Number over 1 week old with under 2 reviews: 23
Number over 2 weeks old with under 3 reviews: 38
| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Katherine Miller wrote this tip for the mailing list:
"Since there's been a great deal of talk about writing contests
recently, those of you considering entering a contest might want to
read this page on the SFWA website: http://www.sfwa.org/beware/contests.html
"It gives some warnings about contest scams, discusses the value of
entering contests and how to evaluate one before entering."
Got a helpful tip for your fellow members? A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission? Share it with us and we'll publish it in the next
newsletter. Just send it to support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com and
we'll do the rest.
Until next month -- just write!
The Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
| - - Copyright 2004 Online Writing Workshops - - - - - - - - - - - |
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