O | The Online Writing Workshop for SF, F & H Newsletter, February 2005
W | http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!
| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
- Workshop News:
OWW switches servers
OWW and tsunami relief
Odyssey and Clarion
OWW on the Locus Recommended Reading List
Market News
March writing challenge
Membership payment information
- Editors' Choices for December submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Tips & Feedback
| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
OWW SWITCHES SERVERS
On January 29, OWW switched the workshop to a new server with only
11 minutes of downtime! We switched servers for three main reasons.
First, we now have instant backup of all our data at all times so
that we can avoid losing data if we have a hardware failure in the
future. Secondly, the new server is much cheaper for us to operate,
with better hardware, and includes better hardware/software upgrades
so we can keep up with technology. Finally, we can scale up more
easily if we need to, and now have the ability to integrate more
features into the workshop than we could before. We are now working
on implementing several long-term improvements that you, our members,
have been requesting.
It's all part of OWW's ongoing effort to provide you with the best,
most flexible online workshop tool to help you meet your writing
goals.
OWW AND TSUNAMI RELIEF
_Spirit House_ (http://spirithouse.5u.com/index.html) is a collection
of short stories to benefit victims of the 2004 tsunami disaster.
All proceeds from the PDF sales and all profits after printing costs
from the print version will go directly to charities working in the
disaster-strewn region.
OWWers involved in the _Spirit House_ project include Eric Joel
Bresin, Wendy Delmater, William Freedman, Jon Paradise, and Karen
Swanberg. Copies will be available at Lunacon & I-con, and can be
ordered from the website.
This volunteer effort represents the best spirit of the writing
community at large, and is typical of the big hearts we've seen
repeatedly at OWW.
ODYSSEY AND CLARION
Over the past few years, more than a dozen OWWers have attended one
of the six week workshops known as Odyssey, Clarion, Clarion West,
Clarion South. Many of them have found this to be an excellent way
to improve their skills in a concentrated amount of time, as well as
meet face to face with other writers and professionals in the genre.
Two of OWW's staff will be teaching at the workshops this year.
Odyssey is taught by OWW Resident Editor Jeanne Cavelos. It runs
from June 13 through July 22 at Saint Anselm College in New Hampshire.
While the early deadline for application has passed, the regular
deadline runs until April 15. You can find out more about Odyssey at
their website: http://www.odysseyworkshop.org/
OWW administrator and longtime member Charles Coleman Finlay will be
teaching at Clarion this year, which runs from June 12 to July 22 at
Michigan State University. For a complete list of instructors and
more information on how to apply, go to:
http://www.msu.edu/~clarion/workshop/workshopinfo.html
For more information on Clarion West: http://clarionwest.org/website/
And for Clarion South: http://www.clarionsouth.org/
OWW ON THE LOCUS RECOMMENDED READING LIST
Every year _Locus_ Magazine publishes its Recommended Reading List
for genre fiction. This year's list includes a novel and stories by
OWWers and OWW's Resident Editors, as well as several anthologies
containing stories by OWWers. The complete list may be found here:
http://www.locusmag.com/2005/Issues/02RecommendedReading.html
First Novels
* Ghosts in the Snow, Tamara Siler Jones (Bantam Spectra)
Anthologies
* The Year's Best Fantasy and Horror: Seventeenth Annual Collection,
Ellen Datlow, Kelly Link & Gavin Grant, eds. (St. MartinÕs)
* Year's Best Fantasy 4, David G. Hartwell & Kathryn Cramer, eds.
(Eos)
* The Mammoth Book of Best New Horror: Volume Fifteen, Stephen
Jones, ed. (Carroll & Graf)
* Polyphony 4, Deborah Layne & Jay Lake, eds. (Wheatland)
* All-Star Zeppelin Adventure Stories, David Moles & Jay Lake, eds.
(Wheatland)
Novellas
* Kelly, James Patrick, "The Wreck of the Godspeed"
(Between Worlds)
Novelettes
* Finlay, Charles Coleman, "The Seal Hunter" (F&SF 1/04)
* Kelly, James Patrick, "Men Are Trouble" (AsimovÕs 6/04)
* Link, Kelly, "The Faery Handbag" (The Faery Reel)
* Link, Kelly, "Stone Animals" (Conjunctions 43: Beyond Arcadia)
* Rosenbaum, Benjamin, "Biographical Notes to ŌA Discourse on the
Nature of Causality, with Air-PlanesÕ by Benjamin Rosenbaum"
(All-Star Zeppelin Adventure Stories)
Short Stories
* Kelly, James Patrick, "The Best Christmas Ever"
(Sci Fiction 5/26/04)
* Finlay, Charles Coleman, "After the Gaud Chrysalis" (F&SF 6/04)
* Rosenbaum, Benjamin, "Embracing-the-New" (AsimovÕs 1/04)
* Rosenbaum, Benjamin, "Start the Clock" (F&SF 8/04)
MARKET NEWS
Wizards of the Coast is seeking proposals for its brand-new line of
fiction. Their new imprint will publish science fiction, fantasy,
horror, alternate history, magic realism, and anything in-between.
If it can be shelved in the Science Fiction/Fantasy/Horror section
of your local bookstore, they want it! They're interested both in
the first book in a trilogy or longer series as well as stand-alone
novels. As always, it pays to read the contracts closely. Complete
guidelines my be found at:
http://www.wizards.com/default.asp?x=books/main/opencall2004
MARCH WRITING CHALLENGE
From Jodi, Challenge Dictator, Unicorn Warlord, and general menace:
"This month's challenge is 'diaries'.
"Remember: Monthly challenges are supposed to be fun, but don't
forget to stretch yourself. If you normally write fantasy, try SF. If
you've never tried space opera, here's your chance. It doesn't have
to be great. It's all about trying new things.
"Please don't post your challenge pieces to the workshop until March
first. Include 'March Challenge' in your title so you can show off how
fancy you are to all your friends."
For more details on the challenges, check the Challenge home page at:
(http://www.thermeon.net/checkered/Challenge.html).
MEMBERSHIP PAYMENT INFORMATION
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certain active, review-contributing members whose situations do not
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Bonus payments: The workshop costs only 94 cents per week, but we know
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For example, is the workshop worth five dollars a month to you? Award
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For more information:
Payments: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships.shtml
Bonus payments and information about our company:
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Price comparisons:
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| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Editors' Choices are chosen from the submissions from the previous
month that show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of
our Resident Editors. Submissions in four categories -- SF, F,
horror, and short stories -- receive a detailed review, meant to be
educational for others as well as the author.
Reviews are written by our Resident Editors, award-winning authors and
instructors Jeanne Cavelos, James Patrick Kelly, and Kelly Link,
and by experienced science-fiction and fantasy editor Jenni
Smith-Gaynor. The last four months of Editors' Choices and their
editorial reviews are archived on the workshop. Go to the "Read,
Rate, Review" page and click on "Editors' Choices."
Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors!
Editor's Choice, Fantasy Chapter/Partial Chapter:
ELISA'S BELLY, Chapter 1 by Rae Carson
The first chapter of ELISA'S BELLY focuses on the Princess Elisa's
rushed marriage to a king of the neighboring country. Elisa is a
plump second daughter who is plagued with self-doubt, but she is
blessed with a godstone and is appealing enough to seal an alliance.
Written in the first person point of view, the revealed world seems
rich with culture. It has the feel of the typical fantasy, feudal
society with enough original details to give it a breath of fresh air.
What I enjoyed most about this first chapter was seeing the world
through Elisa's eyes. She is insecure and innocent. Unfortunately,
her na•vetˇ feels constructed. Her sister, the next ruler of Orovalle,
seems to have a more complex characterization -- her motivations are
unknown to Elisa. But I'm not exactly sure what it is that Elisa wants
or needs. She tells us she feels unworthy to be a wife.
"I can embroider the hem of a terno in two days. But Juana-Alodia has
always tended to palace affairs. She is the one who sits a horse and
tours the country, who holds court with our papa and charms the
nobility. I know nothing of these ruling, wifey things."
I'd like to know more of what Elisa wants. She says, "...I pray he is
old and ugly, so we can be a match in some strange way. Maybe he had
the pox when he was young. Maybe he can barely walk. I want a reason
not to care when he turns away in disgust." This feels like a defense
against her inadequacies, but I'm not convinced of the reasons why
she should feel this way. Juana-Alodia, her sister, is "athletic and
sensible, elegant and strong" but I'm not seeing what it is about
Elisa that makes her feel inferior. What it is about Orovalle society
that makes Elisa so insecure? The only indication that Orovalle
society does not hold plumpness in high regard are Elisa's internal
monologue and the twittering during the wedding.
Her anxieties are insular and the first person point of view only
magnifies this. Her unreliable narration makes for an interesting
character -- flawed and certainly sympathetic -- but I would like to
see some glimmer of what it is that will make her a heroine in the
end since this does not seem like the kind of book where the heroine
is ultimately self-defeating.
What's missing in this opening chapter is a stronger sense of
conflict or challenge. Elisa's internal struggle is a great character
study. It can be complimented by an external struggle, which is
missing. What is it that threatens Elisa? What else besides her own
insecurities could threaten the action? Give us a glimpse of something
more, some other layer of conflict that will help carry the overall
plot through to the end of the novel.
The godstone is puzzling. What exactly does the Service require or
affect. What does it mean to bear the godstone? We see this gem
embedded in Elisa's navel warm or cool depending on the situation --
warmth seems to be a positive sign. But what else does it do or mean
to the culture, to the marriage, to the overall plot and conflict of
this story? It's mentioned casually by Elisa as a gage, like a
measuring stick for accepting her fate (which makes her a very passive
character). The focus on setting up the godstone, on Elisa's service
to her god feels like it will evolve into the larger plot thread. For
this to have the impact in this opening chapter, we need to see a bit
more of the threads tied together.
What I really liked about this chapter were all details. Small bits of
the world peek through Elisa's narrative -- Invirene harassing the
borders, the way Elisa likes how the Lengua Classica feels against her
teeth, adobe walls and tile -- and give this world some grounding.
Keep up these kinds of details and the world will continue to grow
rich and captivating.
I think Rae Carson has launched a fine story that has great potential
to be a wonderful novel. Bring forward the central or driving
conflict, or give us more than a glimpse, and this opening chapter
will have real punch. Keep an eye on the main protagonist's
progression and growth as the novel progresses and she will be a
truly magnetic character.
--Jenni Smith-Gaynor
Former editor, Del Rey Books
Editor's Choice, SF Chapter/Partial Chapter:
UNTITLED CHAPTER TWO by kit davis
This is a young adult book and I remember enjoying Chapter One last
month quite a bit. It's to the story's credit that even without
re-reading the first chapter to refresh my memory, I recalled the
events and the characters with decent clarity. This points to both
story and characters being engaging enough that they remained in my
mind. Though the author states that the book is geared toward males,
I think young women can just as easily enjoy it.
The wry humor sounds authentic for that teen age and I often found
myself smiling, especially with interiors like this: "David again
considered hitting the delete button, but decided listening to them
would be a sort of penance." The narrative is told in a tight third
person (at least in this chapter), and illustrating some personality
through David's inner voice makes the story that much more engaging.
The characterizations are generally strong, though I did want a
bit more description of Wolfblack beyond "muscular, dark-eyed Native
American," as that's a pretty broad and conventional description for
a rather large population that can vary from Southwestern to
Northeastern, even without taking into consideration future gene pool
dilution among aboriginal peoples. I would also have liked to have
seen a little more "environmental" illustration. His computer has a
"flat screen" but this is the future -- what else about it might set
it apart from our standard PC or Mac? Teenagers are pretty savvy
(and raised on slick movies and TV programs), so if you can
incorporate something cool and whizbang to your world to give them a
better vision of it, that would engage them even more. These are all
suggestions that could be easily applied to an adult novel as well.
None of this is to suggest that you need go on for long paragraphs to
describe either people or environment; remain succinct, but use sharp
and original images to both spice up the language as well as give the
reader something unique to picture.
Relook at the paragraph where Renegade the dog is introduced. It's a
little confusing because of the amount of new ideas thrown at the
reader, plus the sentence structure makes it somewhat confusing to
piece together the plot points. When you're introducing new
information to the reader that is obviously important in
understanding both character and backstory, make sure you take your
time to be clear and let this information sink in with the reader.
More straightforward sentences might help. As would less splicing
with commas. That's nitpicky of me, but try to use different ways of
conveying the quick points.
The chapter ended with the latest "problem" for David, the
introduction of the tutor Seth. This is effective in hooking the
reader into wanting to find out what happens next. I liked Seth's
garbling of "clichˇd phrases" and David's then adopting it in a mild
form of mockery. The characters' interactions all feel genuine.
There's conflict with David and his brother, bodyguard, and now Seth.
Plenty of story and interesting characters to propel interest.
--Karin Lowachee
Author of BURNDIVE and CAGEBIRD (April 2005)
http://www.karinlowachee.com
Just as she has for the past several months, Kelly Link selected two
promising short stories for this month's reviews. -C.C.F.
Editor's Choice, Short Story:
"The Library Seed" by Mer Haskell
I'm a sucker for a good library story. (I'm working on one myself.)
Besides Borges, thereÕs Aimee BenderÕs fantastic story "Quiet Please,"
Carol Emshwiller's recent "The Library," and even one of Sheri
Tepper's Marianne novels is partially set in a Borgesian library.
Writer and artist Shelley Jackson is currently working on an odd
library project as well: www.interstitiallibrary.com.
The conceit of "The Library Seed" is charming: there is a library
with a tree growing in the middle of it, and when the tree bears
fruit, some of the people in the library who taste that fruit will
find it bitter and some will find it sweet. The ones who find it
sweet will take the seed from the fruit and carry it to a world that
needs a library: once they plant the seed, a particular and magical
kind of library will grow. There's probably space here for an entire
novel, or at least a series of linked short stories.
The story is full of wonderful details. The Library itself is a
character (one of the most fully-realized characters, in fact) and
there are strange people living in it, including a Spook whom the
library staff have never seen, and who has been hiding quietly in the
library for so long that he canÕt pronounce his own name. He feels
very Diana Wynne Jones, and that's a very good thing.
It's a wonderful detail to know that "the whole second interfloor was
devoted to spell-casting codices alone" and that "It is a fallacy
that we only get one adventure, or only one chance at magic. Or that
with age, wanderlust is killed."
There has also been a war in The Library's world, and the librarian's
son Michael has come home whole but shellshocked and unable to
communicate with his mother. He is angry and shutdown. It also turns
out that he and one of the library staff, a woman named Lilly, are in
love. Here is where I'd like to see a little more development. There's
an exchange in which the librarian and Michael talk about war:
"Michael," she said. "I know that the war was terrible--"
"What do you know of war?"
She looked off to the corner stair, which led to the room full of
war books.
"You don't know anything about it," he said, placing the codex
back on the shelf. "What do you know that you haven't learned from a
book?"
Another mother might have wept at such a tone from an only son.
Another mother might have raised a voice in return. But the Librarian
said, "Before you moved beneath my heart, I had already lived a
thousand lifetimes and journeyed through a hundred worlds. Everything
I know is contained in books, but I learned these things from my
soul."
Michael had the grace to look chagrined.
None of this argument feels right, except for the fact that they're
having it. Personally, I think Michael has a point. His mother knows
about war from books; He's been in a war. The librarian's last remark
feels cliched and also far too poetic. She doesn't sound like someone
who knows anything about war or about how to comfort someone who's
been in one. I don't believe Michael would be chagrined at all. I
think he'd be even more argumentative.
Later on, it also feels overblown and cliched when the librarian
tells Michael: "YouÕve done enough for the world." At no point in
the story do I really feel that there is a mother and a son in this
story. It seems no hardship for the librarian to leave her son --
rather, it's a hardship to leave her library, but it's also an
adventure. The conflict between them feels forced for the sake of
narrative tension, but it isn't working. Why not change the dynamic
a little and make Michael remote and unhappy and afraid of change
instead of angry? Why not show us some small significant thing
about their relationship -- that would mean more than the grand
gesture that the librarian makes at the end of the story (or rather,
it would make the gesture feel more meaningful). Tell us that Michael
makes tea every morning for his mother, even though his hands shake.
Or that the librarian has found him asleep and having bad dreams in
some corner of the library, and sat beside him and held his hand
without waking him.
It would be good to know more about Lilly, earlier on: what the
librarian thinks of her, some piece of her history, or even what she
most likes to read. She turns out to be an important character, but
we don't really ever get to know anything about her.
On the language level, I would watch the impulse towards cuteness.
This is a magical story already, and you don't want to ice the cake.
Having the scent of magic be peaches and sunshine is a little bit too
much, and in any case, you've just told us that the room smells like
wet dog (the smell of good children's books) and that there are no
other scents on the air. The sparrows that live in the Spook's beard
are a great detail, but having them drink his tears is too much, too
cartoony.
There are also places where the language becomes oddly bureaucratic and
tangled to little good effect:
"It was an odd thing for a healthy world to achieve a sudden,
drastic reduction in document influx."
"Beyond that change, though, there was a certain bustle of
productivity accompanying this war. The moieties involved now engaged
in a fierce intellectual competition."
Sentences like these stop me dead. Stylistically, they don't suit the
story, and frankly I wouldn't want to read a story where they did suit.
One last question: who was Michael's father and where is he now? Did
the librarian love him? Does she ever think of him? He's a gap in the
story, and yet he might be important. Good luck with this.
--Kelly Link
Editor of TRAMPOLINE and co-editor of YEAR'S BEST FANTASY & HORROR
http://www.kellylink.net/
Editor's Choice, Short Story:
"The Statue Maker" by Kathryn Yelinek
A variation on the Pygmalion myth, this story's characters and setting
are engaging. It contains some truly lovely passages of writing about
nature. I'm a little reminded of Sharon ShinnÕs novel THE
SHAPE-CHANGERÕS WIFE, and of course, of Peter Beagle's THE LAST
UNICORN. Although my favorite parts of this story are the more
slow-moving descriptive passages, I do think that a rewrite will make
it a tighter, more effective story. In fact I think you can keep the
pieces of lovely writing and lose some of the plot turns and twists.
At the moment, the structure of the story is fairly complicated.
There's no single POV. Important characters like the herb wife are
not introduced until the very end. The statue herself sometimes
seems to know that she was once stone and sometimes doesn't. The
sculptor Perrin is apparently white-haired and lonely and hermit-like,
but later we find out that he's considered a catch in the village.
Although he's a marvelous and even magical sculptor, we only ever see
him sculpt the woman who comes to life: we need to see him at work on
other specific and well-described projects. The beginning of the story
is a tangle: besides the POV shifts, we jump from the far future where
the statue is now a statue again to the recent past of the story where
the sculptor is at work on the statue, to the present when he finishes
her and brings her to the count who has commissioned her for his
wedding.
None of this is necessary. Even the count doesn't really serve any
purpose, and his character isn't convincing or interesting enough to
devote so much space and dialogue to. Why not begin with story from
the point of view of the entire village, when the sculptor Perrin
mysteriously emerges from his home with a new bride?
You don't have to keep the reader in suspense about where the bride,
Marie, came from. The curiosity of the village, however, is a great
starting place. You don't even have to stick to a single POV. The
same-paragraph jumps between Perrin and Marie's POV, especially when
they are touching each other, are surprisingly elegant.
I would love more of Perrin's mother. I would also like to see more
of Elaine, the herb-wife, who has apparently engineered this magic.
On the other hand, you could cut her entirely. I'm not sure she's
necessary. I also don't think it serves any purpose to tell us so
late in the story that Perrin never lets Marie into his studio. Not
only are you telling us that too late, but I don't think the echoes
of Bluebeard are appropriate. You do need to decide, however, very
early on, whether Marie knows she's a statue or not. At the moment,
the story doesn't ever make up its mind about this.
I would like you to keep all of the beautiful descriptions of the
natural world, the way that the statue, Marie, stands still and looks
at things like stars or sky or rivers. Perhaps she might even stare at
the sun? The scene in which she stands as still as a statue and birds
eat from her hand is extremely effective, as is the scene in which she
tells Perrin about the frog hibernating in the river mud. All of this
is working extremely well. It doesn't feel slow in a way that detracts
from the narrative, it just feels right that a story about a woman who
used to be a statue should have some nice contemplative bits.
When Marie falls from her horse and is carried to Perrin's house, I'm
never convinced that she's actually injured. It's a very pretty,
romantic deathbed scene, with no blood -- no bodily fluids at all, in
fact. I don't mean it's pretty or romantic in a good way, either. It
feels staged and false. You need to do something very difficult here:
Marie, in this scene, needs to seem the most like a human woman and
the most like a statue, simultaneously. I might suggest pulling back
into the point of view of the village at the very beginning of this
scene, when Marie is brought back from the hunt and keeping the reader
at a distance from that point on. That way, we can feel that some
magical transformation is happening once again, in a place where we
aren't allowed to be. You could even give a nice round shape to the
story by beginning with the village's point of view, and ending the
last scene by telling us that no one sees Perrin carry Marie back to
the chateau and no one sees the change that happens there, in the
alcove, and no one sees Perrin put stones in his pocket and step into
the river and drown himself. No one sees except for the statue that
stands above the garden of the count of ŃŃŃŃŃ. And then you can
always tell us what else the statue sees: sky, river, birds, etc.
I do think that perhaps no one ought to save Perrin at the river. It
feels too easy at the moment, when Elaine steps in. And it feels much
more like a fairytale or a myth that a whole village would wonder over
and tell stories about, if it has a mysterious and unhappy ending.
Two more things: although Marie tells Perrin that she is stone and
stonedoesn't love anything, clearly she is capable of great love. She
loves the hawk and the count's horses and all animals. Why doesn't he
ever tell her this, when they argue? It would be an interesting place
to push their conversation.
And while we're on the subject of dialogue, watch out that your
dialogue keeps to the tone and style of your story. Occasionally it
feels distractingly contemporary, as when Sir Ralph says to Perrin,
"Your wife sure is a handful. I feel sorry for you, man, yes I do."
The count's dialogue doesnÕt ring particularly true. I'd suggest that
you're better off keeping him in the background.
Good luck with this. I think youÕll end up with a shorter story, but
one which will hopefully still feel just as magical.
--Kelly Link
Editor of TRAMPOLINE and co-editor of YEAR'S BEST FANTASY & HORROR
http://www.kellylink.net/
Editor's Choice, Horror:
"Photorealistic" by Alisha Karabinus
This short piece, about a woman obsessed with ghosts and the husband
who is sick of her obsession, has some very nice character moments.
I really like the way the husband, Terry, cuts down his wife's ideas
and then immediately regrets it. It feels very realistic when he
decides to apologize, but knows that she'll continue to sulk unless
he also gets her to laugh. That attention to relationship dynamics
makes these characters feel more real than most.
The story has an interesting premise: that a website posts
photographs of ghosts in haunted houses, and people who have lived
in those locations may free the ghosts by looking at the photos. I
haven't seen that before, and it's intriguing. But I see two main
weaknesses in the story, both related to plot.
Edgar Allan Poe believed that a short story should strive to create
a single, unified emotional impact. I'm really not sure what effect
the story is trying to create. When the wife dies and the husband
begins the search for her ghost, we might feel frightened and
horrified by his plan to bring her back from the dead, or we might
feel the irony of the situation, that he has now bought into the
crackpot theories his wife believed. As is, I feel a little of both,
so neither one comes across powerfully.
Irony in this story would arise from an incongruity between what we
expect and what actually occurs. If the ending is to be ironic, then
we have to be 100% positive that Terry will never accept his wife's
ideas. I don't believe that now. I know I'm reading a horror story,
and the first scene seems like a clear set-up for future ghostly
events. So I'm expecting something to happen with ghosts, and I figure
that the husband will accept the truth when those ghosts are buzzing
around his head. To create a strong ironic ending, we need the wife's
beliefs to be a bit more ridiculous. The premise could remain the
same, but it could be developed with details that make it seem more
silly. For example, the website owner could be a formerly
hospitalized schizophrenic who believes he's the reincarnation of
Harry Houdini.
We also need the wife's death to be more ambiguous. Right now, she
seems to have been flung out the window in her chair, which supports
the idea that a ghost came out of the computer and pushed through her.
If Terry has clear proof that she was right, then there's minimal
irony in his accepting her ideas. It's just good sense. (If she had
spent her entire life trying to convince him that these pictures could
free ghosts, and the only way to convince him is to allow a ghost to
kill her, then the ending would create irony. But that's not the case
here. She seems to be telling him about the photos just on this night,
and she doesn't seem to be purposely killing herself to convince him.)
A more ambiguous death might be something like this: he refuses to
help her wash the dinner dishes because she's looking at ghost photos
on her laptop at the same time. He goes to bed; the laptop falls into
the sink, and when she reaches in for it, she electrocutes herself.
If her beliefs seem more wacky and her death more accidental, then his
conversion at the end will not be what we expect.
If the story is not striving for irony, but is instead trying to
create a feeling of horror at the end, then the ending needs to be
more horrible. If this story was written fifty years ago, the
suggestion that he's going to call her back from the dead may have
been chilling enough to create that effect for readers. But today's
readers are much more sophisticated. We've read plenty of stories
about ghosts and communicating with the dead, and for this one to
disturb us, it needs to show us something we haven't seen before or
show us something familiar in a totally new way.
There's a fascinating book called THE AESTHETICS OF JUNK FICTION
that discusses this issue -- that when we read a story in a
particular genre, we read it not as a single, stand-alone entity, but
as a part of the genre, in the context of all those other stories.
So when I read this story, I'm thinking about many ghost stories,
including "The Sixth Sense," "Ghost," and "White Noise" (which has
quite a few similarities with this story). As daunting as it is,
this story needs to do something that none of these previous ghost
stories have done. Ending the story with Terry becoming obsessed
with finding his lost love is, unfortunately, a familiar ending, and
so not really surprising or horrifying.
What would be a more horrifying ending? The story could go in many
directions, and I think it's up to the author to find what really
frightens her and then make us feel that fear. There isn't any
"right" answer. I'll give one possibility below, as I discuss the
second issue.
Generally speaking, the shorter a story is, the harder it is to
write. At less than 1900 words, this story needs every word to be
essential. Right now, that's not quite happening. The plot needs to
be tightened and more strongly focused to create the desired effect
at the end. There are a lot of pieces that don't seem to tie
together: the Amityville Horror references, the cat, the reference
to childhood ghosts, the cause of the wife's death, the photos and
website, the wife's motivation. "The Amityville Horror" is about a
family member who's possessed by a dead killer and tries to kill his
family. That should connect to the plot, but it really doesn't.
The wife's fascination with ghosts seems random and unmotivated. Who
is she hoping to connect with on the other side? The wife seems to
be killed by a ghost, but which ghost is it, and why does it
disappear from the story? Everything should be connected -- or it
should be cut.
Looking at the list of elements in the story that aren't tied
together, I'll attempt to outline a plot that would be more unified
and focused. It would be helpful if her interest in ghosts were
motivated by something specific in her past rather than being just a
random interest. This would create a causal chain, and plots are
almost always stronger with causal chains because then events seem
to be progressing on their own, like a series of dominoes falling
over, without the interference of the author.
So let's say her parents were killed in a mysterious car crash when
she was young, and this has made her obsessed with the dead. She's
convinced Terry to move to her childhood home, saying the ghosts will
be there as they were in "The Amityville Horror." She has cameras
set up all over the place to catch images of her parents. Terry has
tried to go along with her obsession, though he's getting more and
more fed up. She's also fed up; why can't their marriage be as good
as her parents'? As they're arguing, one of the cameras automatically
takes a picture. The camera was aimed at her father's favorite chair.
Terry tries to reach out to her, as he does in the current version,
but she's obsessed. She sits in her father's chair. He goes to bed.
He's awakened in the middle of the night and finds her in the chair.
She's acting very strangely, as if she's possessed by her father. We
fear she may try to kill Terry, as in "The Amityville Horror." She
says, "I wasted my whole life with a woman who wouldn't listen.
Finally got so upset I killed the both of us. Here's a favor from
one man to another." She jumps out the window, killing herself. He's
devastated, because he believes he could have made things work, if
he'd tried harder or had more time. He sets up the cameras, hoping
to have another chance with her.
This provides an ending that's more of a surprise, since it plays off
our expectations, and I think it could also feel satisfying and right,
because all the elements tie together and have set up the ending
without us realizing it. I didn't quite tie everything in. In this
version, the cat would have to go, as well as the website. But the
other elements would all be focused on creating a single major impact
at the climax.
As the first horror story written by this author, "Photorealistic"
has strong characters, an intriguing premise, and kept me reading
until the end. I think with some adjustments to the plot, this
could be very strong. I hope my comments are helpful.
--Jeanne Cavelos
http://www.odysseyworkshop.org/
| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop recognizes members who
have given useful, insightful reviews. After all, that's what makes
the workshop go, so we want to give great reviewers a little
well-earned recognition!
If you got a really useful review and would like to add the reviewer
to the Reviewer Honor Roll, use our online honor-roll nomination form
-- log in and link to it from the bottom of the Reviewer Honor
Roll page at http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml.
Your nomination will appear on the first day of the next calendar
month.
The Honor Roll will show all February nominations beginning March 1.
Meanwhile, here are two advance highlights from this month:
Reviewer: Mark Reeder
Submission: The Spear and the Shield Ch26 - Part 1 (C4C) by John
Dale Renton
Submitted by: John Dale Renton
Nominator's Comments: Mark has an incredible talent for homing in on
the key areas where my work can be improved. This review would make a
great model for anyone reviewing later chapters in a story. It focuses
on the aspects of theme and plot that are well advanced, gives
examples from well known works to underscore the comments, and helpful
suggestions for addressing the flaws. I am greatly indebted to him for
his contributions to improving this work.
Reviewer: sharelle toomey
Submission: Victory Ch. 5 by Stelios Touchtidis
Submitted by: Stelios Touchtidis
Nominator's Comments: She rewrote the chapter simply to show me how to
better write it--but showing complete respect to the original. Dozens
of little improvements in flow and wording. A lesson in craft,
delivered in the best way possible, not telling, but showing. As a
writer should.
Reviewers nominated to the honor roll during January include: Aaron
Brown, Tyler Enfield, Roger McCook, Pamela O'Brien, Keith Robinson,
Daniel Sackinger, Shawn Scarber, Jeff Spock, sharelle toomey (2),
Ian Tregillis, Walter Williams.
We congratulate them all for their excellent reviews. All nominations
received in January can be still found until March 1 at:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml
| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
We can't announce them if you don't let us know! So drop Charlie a
line at support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com whenever you have good
news to share.
Sales and Publications:
Brad Beaulieu's flashfic "A Trade of Shades" appears in the current
issue of _AlienSkin_ (http://www.alienskinmag.com/fflashfiction.htm).
Brad sends his "thanks to Deb Cawley, Roger McCook, Joanne Bradley,
Kevin Miller, Randy Simpson, Carlos Jimenez-Cortes, Eric Bresin, and
Kirk Rafferty for their help in refining the story on OWW!"
Leah Bobet's "Displaced Persons," which originally appeared in
_Strange Horizons_ (http://www.strangehorizons.com) last summer, will
be reprinted in THE YEAR'S BEST SCIENCE FICTION AND FANTSY FOR TEENS,
edited by Jane Yolen and Patrick Neilsen Hayden. Leah reminds us that
"Displaced Persons" was a workshop challenge story. Also, her story
"Building A Taller Chair" will appear in March issue of _Fortean
Bureau_ (http://www.forteanbureau.com), and two poems, "Glass
Slippers" and "The Lady, In Waiting," will appear, respectively, in
the print and online issues of _Aoife's Kiss_ in March. She says
"thanks to everyone who made suggestions on the pieces, especially
Jaime Voss, Chance, and Kathryn Allen."
Angela Boord sold "Maenad," the flash story she's been peddling for
a year or so, to _Lone Star Stories_ (http://literary.erictmarin.com/)
for their February issue. She said ":-)".
Marlissa Campbell sold her short story "Dracula's Pharmacopoeia" to
_Horror Carousel_ for the June 2005 issue. It's her first
ink-and-paper sale! She sends "many thanks to OWW reviewers Gill
Ainsworth, Michael Keyton, Michael Pignatella, Kevin Miller, Dan
Strong, Cathy Freeze, and Lyn Payne."
Deb Coates sold "46 Directions, None of them North" to _Asimov's_.
Deb says "I got a lot of great feedback on this one from the workshop.
In particular, a comment from Chance (coupled with some back and forth
Charlie Finlay and I had about it) that helped me 'get' what the story
needed. Thanks!" She also sold "Magic in a Certain Slant of Light" to
_Strange Horizons_ (http://www.strangehorizons.com). "The story never
went through the workshop, but I did get some timely help from the
mailing list thanks to a discussion a couple of months ago where Ebear
(I think) said something like 'ask yourself what your character wants
most in the world and then take it away from them,' which turned out
to be just what my character needed to know at a critical moment in
the story."
Mark Fewell's story "Just Came Back From The Crash Test" can be found
in _AlienSkin_ (http://www.alienskinmag.com/ffictionhorror2.htm).
"This is another story that had been posted on the horror workshop
before the workshops combined," he tells us. Nice to know!
Charles Coleman Finlay sold "The Slug Breeder's Daughter" to
_Subterranean_. He thanks Amos Peverill, Leonid Korogodski, Roger
Anderson, sharelle toomey, Jaime Voss, Elizabeth Bear, Ellen Key
Harris-Braun, and Walt Williams for giving him the feedback he needed
to turn it around so quickly.
Nancy Fulda, who just joined the workshop, sold "The Man who Murdered
Himself" to ALL THE RAGE THIS YEAR: THE PHOBOS SCIENCE FICTION
ANTHOLOGY, Vol. 3, which came out last September. She was also a
semi-finalist for the 3rd Quarter 2004 of Writers of the Future. We
hope that everyone will make her feel welcome.
Martha Knox sold her story "Naked" to _Naked Snake Online_
(http://www.nakedsnakepress.com) for their March 2005 issue. She's
pretty excited: "This is my first publication in the sci-fi/fantasy
/horror genre, and my first paid publication ever. I appreciate how
much my fiction writing has improved since joining this workshop.
Thanks!" She found this market through the Spicy Green Iguana
listings (http://www.spicygreeniguana.com).
Karen L. Kobylarz's short story "Imperishable Stars" will appear in
the April, 2005 issue of _Leading Edge_. She informs us that "the
story was workshopped back in 2002. Thanks to current and former
members who took the time to review the story: Dena Landon,
Jessica Ebacher, A. Bruno, Ray Lacina, Kathyaleen Stemper, and
Mary Kay Moore." Also, her short story "Cleopatra's Needle," which
appeared in _Paradox_ last year, has been nominated for the
Fountain Award, presented by the Speculative Literature Foundation.
Mailing list mainstay Ron Leming reported that he sold his art
"Alley Run" to a science fiction RPG book called ROCKETSHIP EMPIRES
1936, a notable event for two reasons: "Actual money involved, and a
request to do further art in the future."
Pam McNew didn't bother to mention it to us, but we noticed her poem
"Little Dark Stupa Girl" in the latest issue of _Lone Star Stories_
(http://literary.erictmarin.com/).
Darren Moore's story "Path To F'dar" placed 6th out of 143 entries
in the 2004 Science Fiction Writers of Earth SF/F Short Story Contest.
He says "the story was critted on OWW about four years ago, thank
you!" We're happy you stayed with it, Darren.
Sarah Prineas's "Winged Victory" appeared in the latest issue of
_Lone Star Stories_ (http://literary.erictmarin.com/).
John Schoffstall sold his story "Errant Souls" to _Lady Churchill's
Rosebud Wristlet_. According to John, "This story was critted on the
workshop about a year ago. Special thanks to my critters, Carol
Burrell, Bill Kohler, Keith Katsikas, John Walborn, Mur Lafferty,
M. Thomas, Ruth Nestvold, cathy freeze, Raymond Walshe, and Kyri
Freeman for making this a better story!"
M. Thomas sold short story "The Tinker's Child" to _Aeon_, due out
in August 2005. M. gives "Thanks to all reviewers who suffered and
persevered through each draft." Suffered... persevered...? Ouch!
Mikal Trimm's poem "And We Shall Go A'Questing" also appears in the
latest issue of _Lone Star Stories_ (http://literary.erictmarin.com/).
You can't get away from OWW members and alum!
Jaime Lee Voss sold two poems, "Kittens" and "Monday," to Orson Scott
Card's online poetry magazine, _Strong Verses_. "Stunned and shocked
sums it up," she told us. Her poem "Once Upon a Time" will appear in
the March issue of _Raven Electrik_. She says, very humbly, "that
makes eight poetry sales to genre markets since November."
Dave Wood sold two stories in one week! His fantasy story "Hatchet"
will be in _Dragons, Knights, and Angels_ (http://www.dkamagazine.com)
and "The Diary of Sasquatch" (just a little late for this month's
challenge) will appear in the _Eggplant Library_
(http://www.eggplant-productions.com/library/). "As always," Dave
wrote, "thanks to all the members of this awesome workshop who
challenge me to be better with every critique, and teach me something
new with every submission I review!"
Jeremy Yoder informed us that he's had a non-fiction piece published
in CHRISTIAN MIRACLES: AMAZING STORIES OF GOD'S HELPING HAND IN OUR
EVERYDAY LIVES, now available at Amazon.
| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Number of members as of 2/20: 649 paying, 55 trial
Number of submissions currently online: 503
Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 75.3%
Percent of submissions with zero reviews: 2.2%
Average reviews per submission (all submissions): 5.10
Estimated average review word count (all submissions): 659.13
Number of submissions in January: 438
Number of reviews in January: 1929
Ratio of reviews/submissions in January: 4.40
Estimated average word count per review in January: 699.09
Number of submissions in February to date: 245
Number of reviews in February to date: 1196
Ratio of reviews/submissions in February to date: 4.88
Estimated average word count per review in February to date: 754.52
Total number of under-reviewed submissions: 37 (7.6% of total subs)
Number over 3 days old with 0 reviews: 0
Number over 1 week old with under 2 reviews: 13
Number over 2 weeks old with under 3 reviews: 24
| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Got a helpful tip for your fellow members? A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission? Share it with us and we'll publish it in the next
newsletter. Just send it to support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com and
we'll do the rest.
Until next month -- just write!
The Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
| - - Copyright 2005 Online Writing Workshops - - - - - - - - - - - |
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