O | The Online Writing Workshop for SF, F & H Newsletter, March 2005
W | http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!
| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
- Workshop News:
Resident Editor news
Crit marathon
April writing challenge
Market news
Membership payment information
- Editors' Choices for February submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Tips & Feedback
| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
RESIDENT EDITOR NEWS
Paul Witcover, OWW's original Resident Editor and Admin, has now
released his second novel, TUMBLING AFTER. _Publisher's Weekly_ says
"Two coming-of-age stories -- that of pubescent twins Jack and Jilly
Doone in 1977 America and that of Kestrel, a mutant 17-year-old of the
distant future -- converge in Witcover's compelling second novel
(after 1997's WAKING BEAUTY), which blends postapocalyptic SF with
Philip K. Dick-like speculation on reality. The increasingly
disquieting parallel stories amount to an audacious toss of some
complex dice, but the result is a winning, entertaining cross-genre
roll." And Kirkus says "Superbly imagined: a downbeat adult fantasy
about the resonances between a fictional role-playing game and those
who play it. Shows the intricate brilliance of the early Samuel
Delany. A nursery rhyme is recast as an intensely imagined nightmare
of a tormented adolescent's fear of the adult world."
OWW is proud to have two copies to donate as prizes. We'll be giving
one to the Crit Marathon (see below) and awarding another as a
Reviewer Prize. But if you can't wait, you can order it yourself:
http://tinyurl.com/4hb7x
* *
James Patrick Kelly, OWW's recent Resident Editor for Science Fiction,
left a few months ago to join the faculty at the Stonecoast
low-residency MFA program at the University of Southern Maine. Jim
writes to tell us that the program is very open to speculative-fiction
writers and is looking for more candidates for its program. For more
information: http://www.usm.maine.edu/stonecoastmfa
CRIT MARATHON
Walt Williams is filling some big shoes left by Pen Hardy, who has
gone off to graduate school, by taking over as volunteer administrator
of the annual OWW Crit Marathon, as he wrote to tell us:
"The following service announcement has been stolen, yes, that's
right, stolen from Pen's announcement from last year. After dusting
it off, changing a few things I proudly present:
":: sniff, sniff . . . achoo! :: Ah, yes
"Spring is in the air. That means it's time for . . . The Fourth
Annual April Crit Marathon! Yes, come April 1st, young (and
not-so-young) OWWers' minds will turn to thoughts of critiquing. If
you haven't done a Crit Marathon with us before (or even if you have)
then you should know:
"The Crit Marathon is, of course, purely voluntary.
"The Crit Marathon will be THREE WEEKS, beginning on Friday, April 1
and continuing through Monday, April 21st, 2004. (NOTE THAT THIS IS
THE SAME THREE WEEKS AS LAST YEAR. With any luck, this'll save us from
burnout. :-)) After it ends, Walt will e-mail a whole bunch of useless
statistics to the list, and call it 'Results.'
"Your suggested Marathon goal is to write at least one substantive
critique and post it to the workshop every day during the Marathon.
Attention to under-appreciated subs is encouraged. Last year we
cleared the under-reviewed subs list in the first few days of the
marathon; let's make this our goal again this year.
"Only crits posted to the OWW will count. If you do e-mail crits good
on ya, but they don't count for this Marathon.
"All crits must be substantive (as in 'having substance: involving
matters of major or practical importance to all concerned.') If you
have any questions on what counts, or you need a refresher, check out
the 'How to Review/Review FAQ' page on the workshop, which can be
found here: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/howtoreview.shtml
"Each substantive crit posted will earn ONE marathon point. Marathon
points have no relationship with workshop crit points whatsoever, so
they will not earn you the ability to post, nor will first crits get
extra marathon points.
"The 'official' Marathon list will be updated using telltales from the
workshop. The 'official' date assigned to the crit will be determined
by the date/time signature on the telltale e-mail Walt receives. It
may help you to know that Walt lives in the US, in the Eastern Time
Zone (as does the workshop.)"
Thanks, Walt! In support of the Crit Marathon, OWW has received
copies of books from some of our Resident Editors and successful
graduate members, and will be offering them to Walt to award as
prizes. If you have any questions or wish to participate in the
Marathon, email Walt at renakuzar(at)yahoo(dot)com.
APRIL WRITING CHALLENGE
From Jodi, Challenge Dictator, Unicorn Warlord, and general menace:
"This month's challenge is... legs!
"(Not necessarily pretty girl legs. Geez, get your mind out of the
gutter, people! :P)
"Remember: Monthly challenges are supposed to be fun, but don't forget
to stretch yourself. If you normally write fantasy, try SF. If you've
never tried space opera, here's your chance. It doesn't have to be
great. It's all about trying new things.
"Please don't post your challenge pieces to the workshop until April
first. Include 'April Challenge' in your title so you can show off how
fancy you are to all your friends."
May we suggest, as an example of a story with legs, Maureen McHugh's
"Eight-Legged Story" in TRAMPOLINE, the anthology edited by OWW
Resident Editor Kelly Link.
For more details on the challenges, check the Challenge home page at:
(http://www.thermeon.net/checkered/Challenge.html).
MARKET NEWS
OWWer John Borneman will be the Special Edition Editor of _The Fortean
Bureau_ (http://www.forteanbureau.com). He sent us the following
announcement:
"_The Fortean Bureau_ is a magazine of strange, weird, and unusual
speculative fiction. Named after Charles Fort, the Bureau is dedicated
to bringing the best strange fiction to the web. We have decided to
dedicate much of the September 2005 issue to an exploration of Fortean
poetry. It's out there. Really. You just didn't know it was called
that.
"We are also proud to announce that this issue will lead off with a
guest commentary by Bruce Boston. Bruce was named by the Science
Fiction Poetry Association as its first Grand Master and is a leading
figure in speculative poetry and fiction.
"The September "Fortean Poetry" issue will be running a couple short
stories and about four or five poems. Stories and poems must be
fortean in nature. I would also enjoy being able to find short fiction
that uses poetry as an element of the story (a poet protag or poetry
included in the story, for example).
"The poetry should follow the regular guidelines of _The Fortean
Bureau_. Poems would make a pass at explaining the unexplainable.
Poetry regarding events so unusual they defy explanation. Poetry on
the edge of reason, teetering on the brink of logic. Poetry just gone
over the edge. Folklore, wives tales, and urban myths so strange they
just might be true. Most important; weirdness.
"It is strongly recommended that you read some of the short fiction
published on _The Fortean Bureau_ to get a feel for the type of topics
and style of fiction. That will help you to decide if your poetry will
match our needs. However, when in doubt, send it in. No pure science
poetry such as the wonder of comets or songs of the planets, no high
fantasy, or blood and guts horror. No pornography. No elves or vamps
unless you can make them really interesting and new in light of the
"fortean nature" of our publication. Weird, does not mean obscure. By
that I mean, when I read the poem, I must be able to (fairly) easily
understand it. Depth of subject and an unexpected outcome or theme is
fine and appreciated, but please try and avoid literary affectations
or obscurity for obscurity's sake. In my opinion, much of today's
conventional poetry is written by poets for other poets. I want poetry
that is accessible and enjoyable by everyone. I am not afraid of rhyme
and strict meter, but it must not be trite. There is also no hard
limit on size, beyond my attention span ;-) Literary poets I like are
Billy Collins, Lorna Crozier, e.e cummings, Poe, Odgen Nash, some
Wallace Stevens, some William Jay Smith among others. But, when in
doubt, send it in.
"Send all stories and poetry targeted for this issue directly to
john@forteanbureau.com imbedded in the body of the email. If special
formatting is required, you may attach the poem in a 'dot doc' or 'dot
rtf' document.
"Note: Regular submissions of short fiction for the Fortean Bureau has
not changed, and we still need submissions for our other issues. Use
the regular guidelines and email address shown on the web site.
"Please send only one poem at a time. If you are unfortunate and
receive a rejection before the submission period is over, you may
resubmit a new one. I will not be making final decisions until about
the first of August.
"We will pay $20 for each poem published in this special issue. We
purchase First Worldwide Electronic Rights, posting the poem or story
exclusively to our website and no other publication for 4 months.
After 4 months from the publication date, the rights revert to the
author. We continue to archive after this period unless requested by
the author to do otherwise. We purchase no unsolicited reprints."
* *
We hear from OWWer M. Thomas that _Lenox Avenue_
(http://www.lenoxavemag.com) is looking for a few good readers and a
website administrator to help them manage a sudden influx of
submissions. She says:
"This is a volunteer position, and you are able to set the amount you
read according to your schedule. We buy quality speculative fiction
that explores cultural traditions, or is quirky, edgy, and odd. One
of our stories, Tim Pratt's 'Life in Stone,' recently made the _Locus_
Recommended Reading list. Quite a few of your friendly neighborhood
OWWers are on staff, and we'd love to have you join us."
For more information see:
http://www.lenoxavemag.com/lenoxavemag/helpwanted.htm
* *
It's not a market, but OWWer Eric Vick informs us that he's "started
an online community for scifi fans and writers. I have set up forums
for reader, writer, watcher, and game players, as well as off topic.
The intent of the site is to offer a place that people can virtually
get together and share book, movie, tv, and game recommendations. I
would like to invite everyone from OWW to come on by and check it
out."
For more information, see http://www.scifilogy.com/forum/
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| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Editors' Choices are chosen from the submissions from the previous
month that show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of
our Resident Editors. Submissions in four categories -- SF, F,
horror, and short stories -- receive a detailed review, meant to be
educational for others as well as the author.
Reviews are written by our Resident Editors, award-winning authors and
instructors Jeanne Cavelos, James Patrick Kelly, and Kelly Link, and
by experienced science-fiction and fantasy editor Jenni Smith-Gaynor.
The last four months of Editors' Choices and their editorial reviews
are archived on the workshop. Go to the "Read, Rate, Review" page and
click on "Editors' Choices."
Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors!
Editor's Choice, Fantasy Chapter/Partial Chapter:
THE SILVER SERPENT-CHAPTER 28-THANDRYLL by Dave Wood
It can be very difficult to keep the pacing right in the mid to late
chapters of a high fantasy novel. Although I haven't read the earlier
sections of Dave Wood's THE SILVER SERPENT, I was impressed by all the
things Chapter 27 does well: Shanis and Oskar, the two main
characters, are clearly drawn and the focus of the story; despite some
problems I'll discuss below, it is a very quick read that doesn't feel
like 5,000 words; it introduces new and diverting elements with the
villagers but still moves the existing search for the mountain pass
forward. When a writer can grab and hold my interest in Chapter 27, I
have confidence in the rest of the novel.
There are several things in the chapter that only almost work,
however, or don't work at all the way they're intended. And I think
these things are typical of the problems found in high fantasy novels
as well. If these problems exist elsewhere in the novel, they could
keep it from finding an audience.
The chapter opens with our band of heroes seeking a pass through the
mountain to the lost city Murantha. The encounter with the stranger,
his insistence that they "must trade," all create a suitable unease.
Much of this lowkey tension is lost in the transition from the first
scene to the second, from Shanis's POV to Oskar's. When Oskar is
woken for the feast, we've skipped all the potential conflicts set up
in the first scene. The only important information in the scene is
that "the people have an odd manner of speaking, and they insist on
'trading'" -- both things that we learned in the first scene. Clearly
the writer is trying to get us from the mountains into the village.
The temptation to create some kind of transition from the mountain to
the village, from the morning to the night, is tempting: but I think
the third scene could accomplish that on its own. If you have a scene
that doesn't move the plot forward or give the reader important new
clues, skip it.
The third scene does something very traditional to adventure stories.
It turns out that the villagers have sexual customs which are both
titillating and make our travelers uncomfortable, particularly Oskar,
who is asked to make the headman's number four wife pregnant. This
can be a great way to create tension without resorting to more fight
scenes or misadventures. It also adds a welcome bit of humor. In this
case, the scene also serves as misdirection -- while we pay attention
to Oskar's discomfort, we forget that our heroes are seeking a pass
through the mountains until the villagers accidentally reveal the
information our heroes need.
The sexual tension didn't quite work for me because I didn't quite buy
Oskar's discomfort at "not being a man," especially when he forgot all
about the issue and became enthralled by the poem later. I also didn't
understand why there were so few men in the village. Malram's
explanation that "our life expectancy is obviously much shorter than
that to which you are accustomed" seemed completely out of character,
and didn't explain why there were fewer men than women -- the
difficulties of childbirth in those circumstances, if nothing else,
affects the life expectancies of women disproportionately. If there
was meant to be something sinister about the lack of men, it never
paid off dramatically. The chapter ending with the finding of the pass
also broke the issue of sexual tension so that there wasn't a humorous
payoff either. For this scene to work as well as it needs to, it needs
some combination of a better set-up, a more believable reaction from
Oskar, and a payoff. It's almost there, so getting two of those three
things would probably be enough, especially if the payoff comes in a
later chapter.
Finally, there's the poem. Poems in fantasy novels are problematic,
and I say this as someone who's included several of them in my first
novel as well as in a series of sword and sorcery stories that have
been published in F&SF. Tolkien used poems in THE LORD OF THE RINGS,
and so there's a sense, especially in quest fantasy, that one has to
include poems too. The thing is that Tolkien was very consciously
copying other firsthand sources for his poems. They have a sense of
history about them; there's a match between the setting, the poetry,
and the subject matter that feels very authentic and adds depth to the
world and the characters. Also, many, though by no means all, of
Tolkien's poems have the ability to stand by themselves; early drafts
of some of the poems later incorporated into LOTR were, I believe,
originally published by themselves in literary magazines.
Few of the poems that appear in contemporary fantasy novels could
stand alone, and I doubt that many of them would ever be submitted to
literary magazines independent of the novels. The poem here, about
Raw Bruce and his battle in the mountains, has a few nice lines in it,
but for the most part it reads very prosaically, lacking the kinds of
vivid images and colorful figures of speech that would characterize an
oral tradition. It rushes through events -- the minions of ice coming
down the peaks -- that a real epic poem would flesh out. It also
changes meter and rhyme scheme during one of the descriptive summary
paragraphs without any apparent pattern or reason.
I would urge authors who are writing poems for their fantasy novels to
write verses that they would be proud to show off outside the text of
the story, or else to skip them. If you don't read poetry, or read
epic poetry, then skip them. If you must include a poem, pick one as
a model -- for the story of Raw Bruce, I might select "The Charge of
the Light Brigade," for example -- and then copy its patterns but not
its words. (Hey, if that strategy was good enough for "The Star
Spangled Banner"...) It will be easier if the poem you copy is similar
in tone and theme to the one you wish to write. If any of that was
done here it didn't come through for me in lines like "so open your
ears. My tongue I will loose" and "and so, my dear friends, this story
now ends."
I also strongly recommend that writers who want to include poems in
their books seek out the work of John Myers Myers. His poems,
especially in SILVERLOCK, but also in THE HARP AND THE BLADE, are as
good as, if not better than, his story. The former book includes an
epic verse version of the Alamo story written to the cadences and
techniques of "Beowulf." I think it sets a standard to aspire to.
The author says in his notes that this may only be half a chapter but
it feels like a complete arc to me. I think with some fairly minor
changes, the chapter works very well on its own and will speed readers
on to Chapter 28.
--Charles Coleman Finlay
Author of THE PRODIGAL TROLL and WILD THINGS
http://www.ccfinlay.com
Editor's Choice, SF Chapter/Partial Chapter:
O, PROMISED LAND CHAPTER 4 - PRINCE OF ASHES by Treize Aramistedian
Jumping into this in Chapter 4, it still riveted me. Both language and
ideas intrigued me right to the end of the section. An almost
inevitable comparison to the cool, savvy world of The Matrix sprang to
mind but this by no means hinders the enjoyment of sinking into the
author's own envisioned world(s) of the Net and the non-Net. The first
couple dynamic sentences set the tone for what was to follow:
"Gabriel tapped his temple as the call came in through his connection
chip. At his desk, his computer sat before him, the touchboard
glowing, waiting for his augmented fingers. The tips of his fingers
separated, blazing across the touchboard as the woman's voice came in
through the microcommunications in his body."
The descriptions of the characters were unique and engaging in most
places, like the early one of Audrey Stewart:
"Her face appeared on the screen: thick-faced with pearl-black eyes
and fat lips. Her brown hair curled around her face, baring her rosy
cheeks and the mole just by the left side of her chin."
But then the descriptions sometimes slipped into an off-handedness.
Example: "He remembered seeing a dark-skinned man, tall with an
imposing figure and a ready smile." That didn't strike me nearly as
well as some of the others. "Tall" and "imposing" seemed a little
redundant, and "ready smile" is cliche. These are obviously small
comments, as the author could easily change the details.
One of the things that impressed me the most in this chapter was the
use of scene breaks, and the build up toward them. They added punch as
well as providing clues to the overall plot. In reading around, some
writers merely end the scene when the people run out of things to say,
or build up to a too-well orchestrated "dramatic break." "Enfolding"
the scene subtlely instead can give a more complete feeling; one or
two sentences that almost wrap up what the reader just experienced,
but drops a hint of something more they can consider, so as the novel
progresses there is an accumulation of imagery and meaning. Many of
the scene breaks here left the reader with something to think about,
to carry over to the next scene and the development of more plot clues
(which is a great way to write a mystery, of which this story seems to
have specific elements). For example:
"Dr. Matsui leaned back in his hovering chair, folding his hands over
his knees. 'It is the evolution of intelligence. In the real world, it
is the inhabitant that adapts to the environment.' A smile crept onto
his face, and he felt himself become the archetypical Evil Genius he
had read of as a child. 'For the Net, it is the environment that
adapts to the inhabitant.'"
Another element that really worked for me was Junta's writing to his
Muse, and at the end of the chapter the Muse writes back with "the
answer." Interjecting little internal vignettes can sometimes seem too
sly or clever and ultimately ineffectual, but again the author uses it
to add another layer to both character and world. There is a thread of
philosophy running through the narrative, a consideration of how the
world and this Net clash or meld with each other. It's not a new
concept, but it's still interesting when presented with a fascinating
cast of characters and a skilled use of language.
--Karin Lowachee
Author of BURNDIVE and CAGEBIRD (April 2005)
http://www.karinlowachee.com
Editor's Choice, Short Story:
"Ministers of Grace" by Andrea Horlick
"Ministers of Grace" is engaging science fiction that reminds me of
Sheri Tepper's work: it has recognizable and likeable characters, an
interesting location and culture, and the voice is deft and confident.
It's an extremely easy story to read. However, this isn't a complete
or publishable story yet. I have a great many questions, some of which
will hopefully be useful to the author in thinking about how to
restructure this story, and what essential pieces of information might
be missing in this draft.
The writer of this story has set herself a number of challenges. This
isn't always a bad strategy -- I find it's easier to write if I'm also
forcing myself to solve at least one problem of style or structure.
For some reason, when you're focused on a question of tricky
technique, or some other thing that you haven't tried before, you are
sometimes able to fool the part of the brain that otherwise balks at
frustratingly simple tasks, like coming up with believable dialogue,
whether the story is really any good at all, how to get your
characters from one scene to the next, etc.
Let me begin by describing the story. Hopefully this will be of use,
even to the author, because as I said, this is an extremely
complicated story. There are three narrators between whom the text has
been more or less evenly divided. There is a brother and a sister who
live in a tight-knit, matriarchal, and strongly religious colony;
there is also the secret journal of their grandmother, who first came
to the colony as an archeologist and, possibly, a spy. The brother,
Veriell, sees "angels", the unmarried sister, Mariell, has been
recruited by a matron of the community, to take part in a religious
rite where she will deflower a male "Virgin," even though her role
should only be given to a married woman. Mariell, who is the third
generation in her family to secretly resist the religion of the colony
(although we don't ever really understand why), suspects that the
devout, busybody matron has set a trap for her (although again, we
never find out why the Matron might set a trap, or what is at stake if
the trap catches Mariell (Veriell mentions that he doesn't want to see
his sister burned at the stake, but there's no context for this
remark).
Meanwhile, Veriell, who is an artist, talks to angels whom his sister
can't see and doesn't believe in, although she frequently reads the
diaries which her grandmother left behind, which mentions these same
angels, who were aliens wiped out by previous generations of colonists
for their pelts. We never know if this strikes Mariell as significant,
because we never get her reaction to her grandmother's diaries. (Why
not?) Veriell, on the other hand, can't read the code that the diaries
are written in. The angels are telling him that something big is going
to happen at the upcoming rite, but we don't find out what this is
until the rather abrupt and "Pitch Dark"-ish sf-horror movie ending,
in which Mariell begins to ritually seduce her partner, and the sky
grows black with the winged, vengeful, indigenous species who seem to
have used Mariell's family in some way to bring about Variell finally
refers to, right smack at the end, as "The Slaughter of the
Unrighteous."
It's true that a story should be able to encompass both social
commentary and E. F. Benson-style humor (Mariell's story line), horror
(Veriell), and anthropological sf/colonial critique/spy intrigue
(Mariell's grandmother's diary). It's certainly an interesting
challenge. The difficulty is that these three alternating sections
don't really serve to strengthen each other, or answer questions that
have been raised by each other. Instead, the reader is left with even
more questions. For example, are the colonists' gods real? Even
Mariell and Veriell seem to take them seriously, but the reader
doesn't know enough about either the colonists' religion or what the
gods do for the colony. Does the religion incorporate references to
the indigenous culture? Why don't we see the beautiful skins for which
the indigenous aliens were killed? What is the relationship of the
colony to the rest of the system? It isn't clear why Veriell has to
sell his art offworld secretly -- it isn't even entirely clear that
the colonists know that they are a colony. It isn't clear why
Mariell's grandmother fears being mindwiped, after finding evidence
that the indigenous culture were intelligent beings. Wasn't that why
she was sent? What do the outer worlds stand to gain by covering up
evidence of a small colony's genocide, committed almost a full
generation before? Why is she spying on what seems like an insular and
insignifant colony?
It seems clear that the "angels" seduce Mariell's grandparents in
dreams into staying on the planet. It even seems clear that the aliens
are using Mariell's family, somehow, to avenge their genocide. It
isn't clear how. Have the colonists' gods somehow been protecting them
from the aliens? Is Mariell's participation in the ceremony really so
blasphemous? If so, we need to know a lot more about the gods.
Are Mariell and Verriell engaging in twincest? Does the colony suspect
that she and her twin have an incestuous relationship? Is this the
rumor that sends Marriell back, drunken and teary, from her night of
drinking and socializing? Does Veriell then comfort her in a sexual or
a non-sexual way? Neither the rumor nor the relationship is spelled
out -- we should at least know the rumor, even if we don't then find
out whether or not it's true.
I should say, by the way, that I'm extremely interested in a story in
which an outsider brother and sister have difficulties in an insular
and matriarchal society. I'm interested in the disturbing history of
the colony. I'm much less interested in the story it becomes at
the end, where vengeful creatures descend from the sky and eat
everyone. And let me stress that I'm extremely fond of stories that
don't answer all of my questions, that do their work by suggestion and
elision and by showing things obliquely, rather than telling me how
I'm supposed to interpret every gesture and action. However, the
background of this story is a terrible muddle and mystery, and I never
understand why the angels talk to Veriell, why Mariell doesn't seem to
think about her grandmother's diaries, why the angels have waited
until this particular moment to have their revenge. You've got a lot
of work to do here, to figure out what you need the reader to know,
and what you can leave out. I'd suggest that you start with Mariell:
what does she want? Does she have friends? Any occupation? Again, what
does she want? Besides not screwing up the religious ceremony, what
does she want? And Veriell: what does he want? Start with your
characters and stay with them. Good luck with this -- even when I was
terribly, terribly confused, I wanted to keep on reading. I wanted to
understand your world and your characters, because I truly was
engaged. Confused, but engaged.
--Kelly Link
Editor of TRAMPOLINE and co-editor of YEAR'S BEST FANTASY & HORROR
http://www.kellylink.net/
Editor's Choice, Horror:
THE HORROR FIX - CH1 - PART 1 by Ian Salt
This novel excerpt has some fresh and interesting elements to it. Set
in a British railway station, Chapter 1 follows a zombie-like
character named Spax, who wanders around in a fog. Two security
officers are forced to take responsibility for Spax's well-being until
the police arrive, which leads to a run-in with four very strange
people who want to take Spax away. I like the two security officers,
Sean and Irfan, very much. They feel like real people, and they talk
to each other with a special shorthand that shows me how close they
are. Their comments on the various people in the station reveal that
they spend a lot of time standing around observing human nature, which
makes them come across as believable security officers. Spax also
seems believable. He does strange things I don't understand, but
that's fine, because he's strange and I shouldn't understand him at
this point. I'm curious to see what happens to him as the story
continues.
The four strange people who come to take Spax are less believable.
I'm fine with the "zombie twins" -- they, like Spax, act in
inexplicable ways, and I'm willing to accept that I just don't
understand them yet. Drago and Ophelia seem a bit cliched to me.
Drago's "vulturesque" appearance is cool, but his behavior seems like
standard bad-horror-guy-with-European-accent-and-hypnotic-powers. I
think you could do more with him and his dialogue to make him seem as
eerie as his appearance suggests. He resorts to swearing and insults
pretty quickly, which doesn't make him seem very powerful or scary.
Ophelia suffers from two problems that I see throughout the excerpt,
and which I want to talk about below: telling and point of view.
I've talked before about showing versus telling, so I'll just review
quickly here. To show means to provide concrete sensory details, so
we can see, hear, smell, taste, touch exactly what's going on and form
an image in our heads. To tell means to provide abstractions and
judgments based on what's happening in the story. In most stories,
you want to show about 80% of the time and tell 20% of the time. We
want to be able to see and experience what's going on first hand,
which means we want you to show it to us, not tell us about it.
Most of the information we get about Ophelia is telling, not showing.
Sean says she's "Lara Croft's evil twin." This is his judgment. I
don't get to see Ophelia for myself and make my own judgment. I only
get Sean's judgment of what she looks like. Reluctantly, I accept his
judgment and picture Angelina Jolie with an evil smile. Later, you
say she "glowed with giddy sexual health." This again is an
abstraction or judgment. I don't think you mean she is literally
glowing, but I'm not sure what you do mean. I try to give the
Angelina in my mind some sort of giddy glow, but it doesn't really
work for me. Then you say she radiated "naked lust." I have the same
problem with this. It's a judgment, not a concrete sensory detail. I
don't know what leads Sean to think this. Is she winking at him?
These abstractions don't create a strong, vivid picture of a unique
character. She seems like a cliched evil-sexy-woman to me.
When you do show me a concrete detail about her, it's very
interesting. You mention her "flinty eyes" and "long black feathers
in her hair." This gives me the start of a picture in my head, but it
doesn't seem to go with the Lara Croft picture. I can't put it all
together, because you haven't shown me enough.
Other elements in the excerpt also suffer from too much telling. On
p. 2, you write,
"Spax did not appear capable of choice at all. He had not mouthed a
word or responded to his environment in a sane context all morning.
He seemed less a person than a minor force of nature which tore around
the station according to the dictates of its own mysterious laws."
Except for the fact that he "had not mouthed a word," this is all
telling. Spax's bizarre behavior is key to this chapter, yet you
barely show it to us at all. We really need to see him and his
actions vividly. You give us a good description of his clothes on p.
2, but the first vivid image I get of his actions is on p. 8, where he
"started doing helicopters." That's really nice. We need more of
that, and we need it earlier.
Part of the reason that I think you are telling so much is your point
of view, which is the other weakness I wanted to discuss. The excerpt
has a third-person omniscient POV that at times floats around, and at
times jumps around. I don't think this POV is the best choice for
your chapter. All that it buys you is the ability to make many
pronouncements and judgments (all telling), such as these:
--"Spax is crazy. Insane as a shark in an elevator, an elephant
climbing Everest, a leopard joining the dots with its own spots. . . .
Spax did not appear capable of choice at all. . . ."
--Sean and Irfan "had forged the great friendship which opposites
often achieve."
These are all telling, and these are all things that you should be
showing me, not telling me. So the omniscient POV does not help. The
chapter would work much better in third-person limited omniscient.
You already spend much of the chapter in Sean's head. If you spent
the entire chapter in Sean's head, the events would come across much
more vividly and powerfully, you would build a stronger relationship
between the reader and Sean (because we're both discovering what's
going on as the scene progresses), and you would make the reader more
emotionally involved in events. I keep feeling thrown out of the
story when the POV jumps, and when the POV floats around, disembodied,
I feel very distant from events. If you show us everything as Sean
experiences it, we will get more concrete sensory details and feel the
immediacy of the situation. In the short scene from Judy's POV, you
stay in her head throughout, and that's an extremely effective scene
(where the rat forces itself down her throat--yeah!).
You asked about the prologue, so I'll briefly comment. I have a
strong prejudice against prologues, because I feel they are extremely
overdone in horror novels, and they are most common in bad horror
novels. So the minute I see the word "Prologue," my eyes bulge out of
my head, green saliva runs from my mouth, and I start Hulking out.
When I see a prologue in italics, I can't even tell you what happens.
It's too horrible to describe. This one is not as cliched as many I've
seen--you start with the guy being killed, rather than ending with the
guy being killed. But you do end, in some sense, with the monster
being reborn, which is the way most horror prologues end, so that's
not terribly exciting. The interesting thing is that he's not really
a monster--or at least he doesn't seem to be so far. But we can learn
that in Ch. 1. I don't think the prologue is necessary at all. I
understand you're trying to give us some background on Spax, but I
think it would be better to let us discover his nature as the book
progresses. As I said at the beginning of this critique, I think this
story has some very fresh and interesting elements, and the prologue
isn't one of those. It gives me a negative impression at the start.
I also think your book would work better by starting off with
realistic characters in a realistic setting, and then having the
fantastic intrude. One of the things I liked very much about the
opening chapter was the realistic feeling. I think many horror
writers resort to a prologue so they can kill off some people right at
the start--they are insecure that their Ch. 1 is exciting enough to
hold the reader, so they decide to kill off characters in a very
creative way in the prologue to keep the reader reading. My feeling
is that if Ch. 1 isn't interesting enough to hold the reader, it
should be made more interesting. And a good writer doesn't require
violent deaths to make a scene interesting. Here, Ch. 1 feels quite
interesting to me. I don't need the prologue to get involved.
There are some run-on sentences and tense shifts in the excerpt, so
those should be addressed before you start sending this out.
I hope my comments are helpful. I think you've got a very intriguing
chapter with some strong characters, and with more showing and a more
focused POV, this can be a really vivid, involving experience.
--Jeanne Cavelos
http://www.odysseyworkshop.org/
| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop recognizes members who
have given useful, insightful reviews. After all, that's what makes
the workshop go, so we want to give great reviewers a little
well-earned recognition!
If you got a really useful review and would like to add the reviewer
to the Reviewer Honor Roll, use our online honor-roll nomination form
-- log in and link to it from the bottom of the Reviewer Honor
Roll page at http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml.
Your nomination will appear on the first day of the next calendar
month.
The Honor Roll will show all March nominations beginning April 1.
Meanwhile, here are two advance highlights from this month:
Reviewer: Lizzie Newell
Submission: The Baron of Briony, 2 by ken quirici
Submitted by: ken quirici
Nominator's Comments: Lizzie Newell's review was good enough to make
me understand a lot of what was wrong with my writing, and, because it
was so clearly expressed and so much to the point, it also gave me
hope that I might be able to fix it - and not just fixup this
chapter, but my writing in general. It also gives me clues on how to
better review other people's stuff. Her review is definitely worth a
look-see by anyone in the OWW.
Reviewer: PJ Thompson
Submission: The Traveler's Daughter; Chapter 1 - The Rendering
(C4C) by Miquela Faure
Submitted by: Miquela Faure
Nominator's Comments: Wow! This critique is the perfect example of
why I rejoined the workshop, of the kind of support and insight I was
hoping other writers could provide me. Pam saw right to the heart of
what this opening needed and with perfect respect to my intent showed
me how the information might be reordered to achieve my aim. We all
know how vital openings are, and I am glad that Pam shared her
expertise in improving mine. Thanks, Pam. :)
Reviewers nominated to the honor roll during February include: Kathryn
Allen, Deb Atwood, Tim Brommer, Sam Butler, B.K. Dunn (2), Christiana
Ellis, Tyler Enfield, Eric Foulkrod, Michael Goodwind (2), Kev
Kibelstis, Mel Mason, Jenni McKinney, Ian Morrison, Amos Peverill,
James Poindexter, Ken Quirici, Mark Reeder, Daniel Sackinger, Carol
Seck, Marsha Sisolak, sharelle toomey, Ian Tregillis, David Wood.
We congratulate them all for their excellent reviews. All nominations
received in February can be still found until April 1 at:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml
| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
We can't announce them if you don't let us know! So drop Charlie a
line at support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com whenever you have good
news to share.
While it's not a publication, we are informed that current and former
OWWers John Borneman, Jennifer de Guzman, Pam McNew, and Mikal Trimm
all have poetry up for the 2005 Rhysling. We wish them the best of
luck!
Sales and Publications:
Nigel Atkinson's story "Knitting with Water," which won an EC back in
2003, appears in the March 2005 _Deep Magic_
(http://www.deep-magic.net/). We've heard that he also has another
story in the DEEPER MAGIC VOL. 2 anthology.
Elizabeth Bear reports that she sold her vampire novelette "Wane" to
_Interzone_ and her vampire short story "House of the Rising Sun" to
_The Third Alternative_. "Thanks on the first go out to John
Tremlett, Kathryn Allen, Chelsea Polk, Megan Crewe, and Clarissa Smith
for reviews and comments, and to Celia Marsh for the title, and thanks
on the second go out to Charles Coleman Finlay, Chris Coen, Chelsea
Polk, Kathryn Allen, Jaime Voss, Gary Peterson, Hannah Wolf Bowen,
Leah Bobet, and Jonathan Alexander for reviews and comment. This is
the 6th market for 'Wane' and a whopping #14 for 'House.'"
Leah Bobet's short story "Building A Taller Chair" appears in the
March 2005 issue of _Fortean Bureau_ (http://www.forteanbureau.com).
She also sold her short story "Dog Days" to _TEL: Stories_ and will
see her short story "Displaced Persons" reprinted in THE YEAR'S BEST
FANTASY AND SCIENCE FICTION FOR TEENS.
Scott Clements's stories "Into Pohjola" and "Darkness in the Light"
appear in the DEEPER MAGIC VOL. 2 anthology (http://tinyurl.com/3vo67).
Deborah Coates saw her story "Magic in a Certain Slant of Light"
published at _Strange Horizons_ (http://www.strangehorizons.com).
Wendy Delmater's poem "Feanor" will be published in _Parma Noele_,
the print literary magazine of the New York Tolkien Society.
Woot! Chris Dolley sold his SF novel RESONANCE to Baen. Chris told us
"It was actually picked out of their electronic slush pile - just goes
to show that it does happen:) I didn't workshop this particular book
at OWW but I did win the Editor's Choice award twice when I was a
member of the original Del Rey workshop." Look for RESONANCE in
hardcover in November, 2005.
Charles Coleman Finlay's story "Moons Like Great White Whales" was
published at _Strange Horizons_ (http://www.strangehorizons.com).
Meanwhile, his story "Horny in the Underworld" appeared in the latest
issue of _Electric Velocipede_. And his story "Still Life With Action
Figure" appears in the latest issue of _Argosy_.
Anna Kashina's novella "Mistress of the Solstice" (workshopped a
couple of years ago) placed in the quarterfinals for the Writers of
the Future Contest, first quarter of 2005. She says "I gather it is
not being published anywhere, but feel like celebrating anyway." Heck,
yeah!
After an noted absence in this section, Heidi Kneale returns like a
boomerang! Her story "Mrs Brown's Excellent Scones" will appear in the
April/May issue of _AlienSkin_ (http://www.alienskinmag.com). Her
article "Reviving Literacy through Science Fiction and Fantasy" will
appear in the _Internet Review of Science Fiction_
(http://www.irosf.com). And she also sold three (yes, three) articles
about computer gaming to the Indonesian children's magazine, _Oki
Nirmala--Fun and Fantasy_. She tells us she "wrote the articles in
English and they will be translated into Indonesian. Good thing; I can
only speak about four words of Indonesian and they all relate to
food." As a market note, she tells us that "_Oki Nirmala_ accepts
fantasy stories (in the vein of fairy tales) written in English (also
to be published in English). Stories should be about 500 words long
and geared to the 8-11 year old set."
Darren Moore's story "The Most Daunting Task" won 2nd Place in the
2005 NESFA Contest.
Andre Oosterman's story "The Navel of the Universe", which was
selected as Editor's choice in 2002, will appear in a 2006 issue of
_Electric Velocipede_. Andre would "like to thank all the OWW members,
who flooded me with reviews, for their efforts. I am especially
grateful to Debbie Moorhouse, who went through the entire manuscript
in painstaking detail, in search of the Holy Grail of editing, i.e.
the clean copy."
Ian Tregillis has been accepted to Clarion East. Congratulations!
Jeremy Yoder's story "Of Pawns and Kings" appears in _OR Christian
Science Fiction_ (http://www.or.150m.com/), which is, he informs us,
"an ezine I learned about from Rae Carson, so a special thanks to
her."
| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Number of members as of 3/20: 648 paying, 58 trial
Number of submissions currently online: 505
Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 72.3%
Percent of submissions with zero reviews: 3.4%
Average reviews per submission (all submissions): 4.92
Estimated average review word count (all submissions): 650.00
Number of submissions in February: 390
Number of reviews in February: 1772
Ratio of reviews/submissions in February: 4.54
Estimated average word count per review in February: 741.88
Number of submissions in March to date: 256
Number of reviews in March to date: 1063
Ratio of reviews/submissions in March to date: 4.15
Estimated average word count per review in March to date: 737.41
Total number of under-reviewed submissions: 58 (11.5% of total subs)
Number over 3 days old with 0 reviews: 5
Number over 1 week old with under 2 reviews: 23
Number over 2 weeks old with under 3 reviews: 30
| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
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Until next month -- just write!
The Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror
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