O | The Online Writing Workshop for SF, F & H Newsletter, September 2005
W | http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!
| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
- Workshop News:
New features!
Reviewers answer the call
Kate Wilhelm essay/Tips contest
Win a free month
October writing challenge
Strange Horizons fund raiser
Membership payment information
- Editors' Choices for August submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Tips & Feedback
| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
OWWers continue to have their best year ever. In the past month...
Sandra McDonald sold two novels (one a former Editor's Choice
selection) to Tor. Karen Mayer sold her first novel to ArcheBooks.
Karen Miller's fantasy novel (an EC runner-up) was a #1 bestseller in
Australia last month. And Chris Dolley's novel RESONANCE has been
selected for the Science Fiction Book Club -- another first for an
OWWer!
And once again, that's just the tip of the OWW iceberg. For more
success stories, see this month's Sales and Publications section.
NEW FEATURES!
We asked what you wanted to see on OWW, and you told us. So in the
past few weeks we've been busy adding some new small items to the
workshop:
-- Word count feature: a submission's word count is now included in
the "Read, Rate, Review" listing (and other listings, too) so that if
you only have time to crit a 3,000 word piece, you don't have to
follow a dozen "Read" links to find one.
-- Blog links: since more OWWers than ever maintain livejournals
(http://www.livejournal.com) or other writing blogs, we've added a
place in the member directory listings where you can link to yours.
We're hoping to be able to offer some OWW user icons for bloggers in
the next few months too.
-- We redesigned the member information form to be cleaner and simpler.
-- Another member directory refinement: the search-for-text function on
the member directory no longer turns up inactive members.
-- Reviewer Honor Roll links: starting with the September listings,
reviewers' names will be linked to their member directory listings so
you can quickly seek out the submissions those good reviewers have on
the workshop.
We have some bigger items in store for the future. We're working on
ways to further categorize submissions to improve both searching
ability (for readers) and finding interested readers (for writers),
and are also investigating how OWW can best promote and support
critiques of whole novels. (There has been some great, thoughtful
discussion on the OWW mailing list on this last topic during the
middle of September.) Let us know what you think! Just email
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
REVIEWERS ANSWER THE CALL
In last month's newsletter, we reported that the number of
under-reviewed submissions was over 12% and we made a call to
reviewers to pick up those subs. Well, OWWers responded even more
diligently than we had hoped and the number has dropped to 4.7% a full
month later (that's only 22 under-reviewed submissions). Thanks for
your efforts! You guys rock!
KATE WILHELM ON WRITING REAL STORIES / TIPS CONTEST
In the past we've offered a few OWW Editorial Focus pieces
(http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/editorialfocus/index.shtml) on
the craft of writing, contributed by our Resident Editors. Now we're
pleased to offer yet another great piece, this time from one of the most
influential teachers _ever_ in the field of SF.
"Trivia vs. Writing Real Stories" is excerpted from STORYTELLER: 30
YEARS OF THE CLARION WRITERS' WORKSHOP by Kate Wilhelm, published by
Small Beer Press (http://www.lcrw.net), the publishers of _Lady
Churchill's Rosebud Wristlet_ and OWW Resident Editor Kelly Link's
latest collection, MAGIC FOR BEGINNERS. What Wilhelm says about the
Clarion workshop applies to workshops like OWW as well.
See the FEEDBACK section at the end of the newsletter to read the
first half of her useful essay--or read the whole thing in our Tips
and Advice area: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/tips/wilhelm.shtml
We're offering two copies of Kate Wilhelm's book STORYTELLER, along
with a few red pencils (of course!), as prizes for the most helpful
tips/hints/advice submitted for the next newsletter, on the subjects
of writing, workshopping, or getting published.
Look in our Tips and Advice area to see what we've already got,
because good ideas that are already covered will not win a prize! The
best entries will be published in October or subsequent newsletters.
GET A FREE MONTH'S MEMBERSHIP
So you bought your OWW T-shirt or sweatshirt and wore it to a
convention, where you met up with some other OWWers? E-mail us a
picture of you in your OWW attire at a convention, and we'll add a
free month to your current membership.
Online Writing Workshop T-shirts, sweatshirts, and long-sleeved shirts
are now available, starting at $11.99. We've kept the markups very low
on all these products to make them affordable. If you don't want to
flaunt your savvy in being a member of the OWW on your person, take
a look at the OWW coffee mug and bumper sticker. It's all at:
http://www.cafepress.com/OWW_SFFH
OCTOBER WRITING CHALLENGE
Jodi, OWW Challenge Dictator, Unicorn Warlord, and general menace,
ooks:
"Look, in the trees, it's a bird, it's a plane, no, it's--
"--a monkey! In the shape of an October Challenge. That's an odd shaped
monkey, isn't it?
"With double points if you can use omniscient point of view."
There's been a great mailing list discussion on using omniscient point
of view, how to, when to, and what it does for the story. If you
missed the discussion, you can find it in the list archives:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/oww-sff-writing/
Remember: These challenges are supposed to be fun, but don't forget to
stretch yourself. If you normally write fantasy, try SF. If you've
never tried space opera, here's your chance. It doesn't have to be
great. It's all about trying new things. There's no word limit, no
time limit, no nothin'. Just have fun. But! Please don't post your
challenge pieces to the workshop until October first. Include "October
Challenge" in your title so you can show off how fancy you are to all
your friends.
For more details on the challenges, check the Challenge home page at:
http://www.thermeon.net/checkered/Challenge.html
STRANGE HORIZONS FUND DRIVE
Speaking of October, _Strange Horizons_
(http://www.strangehorizons.com) is gearing up for another fund drive
next month. If you read _Strange Horizons_, consider donating to
them, the same way you might subscribe to another magazine you
regularly read. _Strange Horizons_ has published many OWWers and been
one of the pro markets most consistently open to new voices and new
writers. An OWW membership will be one of the prizes in the fund
drive.
MEMBERSHIP PAYMENT INFORMATION
How to pay: In the U.S., you can pay by PayPal or send us a check or
money order. Outside of the U.S., you can pay via PayPal (though
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can send us U.S. dollars through the mail if you choose, or contact us
about barter if you have interesting goods to barter (not services).
Scholarship fund and gift memberships: you can give a gift membership
for another member; just send us a payment by whatever method you
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is anonymous or not. We will acknowledge receipt to you and the
member. Or you can donate to our scholarship fund, which we use to
fully or partially cover the costs of an initial paying membership for
certain active, review-contributing members whose situations do not
allow them to pay the full membership fee themselves.
Bonus payments: The workshop costs only 94 cents per week, but we know
that many members feel that it's worth much more to them. So here's
your chance to award us with a bonus on top of your membership fee.
For example, is the workshop worth five dollars a month to you? Award
us a $11 bonus along with your $49 membership fee. 25% of any bonus
payments we receive will go to our support staff, sort of like a tip
for good personal service. The rest will be tucked away to lengthen
the shoestring that is our budget and keep us running!
For more information:
Payments: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships.shtml
Bonus payments and information about our company:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/bonuspayments.shtml
Price comparisons:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships_comparison.shtml
| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Editors' Choices are chosen from the submissions from the previous
month that show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of
our Resident Editors. Submissions in four categories -- SF, F,
horror, and short stories -- receive a detailed review, meant to be
educational for others as well as the author.
Reviews are written by our Resident Editors, award-winning authors and
instructors Jeanne Cavelos, Karin Lowachee, and Kelly Link, and by
experienced science-fiction and fantasy editor Jenni Smith-Gaynor. The
last four months of Editors' Choices and their editorial reviews are
archived on the workshop. Go to the "Read, Rate, Review" page and
click on "Editors' Choices."
Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors!
Editor's Choice, Fantasy Chapter/Partial Chapter:
CHARGED WITH FOLLY, Ch. 1, PJ Thompson
In the opening chapter of PJ Thompson's newest novel, CHARGED WITH
FOLLY, Carsten is a member of something called "the Movement." She
"rescues" fallen angels and helps them make the transition to a mortal
life. Angels in contemporary fantasy aren't new, but I liked where
Thompson was placing her angels and the setup she was using to pull me
along.
The main protagonist, Carsten, seems to be a woman with a past tied to
some seedy gangs. Prostitution and the guilt associated with it is
implied. As a main character in an opening chapter, I was hoping for
something a little less predictable -- the "tough as nails" broad with
a shady past has been done. And done again. It's very commercial and
familiar, even comfortable for some readers, but I was disconnected
from Carsten from the beginning. What might separate her from the pack
of other "tarnished broads"? Why is she saving angels? What drives her
as a member of the Movement? What else besides her shady past can be
alluded to in the opening chapter? I suggest going for the unique
rather than the familiar to really hook the reader into the character.
Her confrontation with the gang is the perfect place to get inside the
character -- right now, the scene is too reminiscent of every movie
and TV "showdown" and so loses any tension.
Tension in the confrontation could be narrowed to focus more on
Carsten's inner conflict. This is her old gang (I believe), and the
external threat of being surrounded by guns can be mixed with the
internal threat making up her character. Right now, she acts tough and
infallible, but I'd rather see something else beneath the exterior.
Give her some more shades of gray and less cardboard Heroine. There's
a history with this gang; the confrontation would be a great place to
show the reader a little hint of Carsten's personality and her
background, her psychology, and her weaknesses. Use this opportunity
to crank up the tension, to build suspense right from the beginning
and give the reader some meat to chew.
The setting needs some work -- more grounding details to really place
the reader. I see hints of things that grabbed my attention long
enough to keep reading, but I want more. For this to be as strong as
possible, Thompson needs to fold the reader effortlessly into the
world. Flintlock guns, mechanical pianos, canons, and a
bicycle-powered flying contraption are all great devices to show us
we're not reading a modern-day story. Use more visceral details and
really show us where we are from the point of view of the characters.
Language, the choice of certain words, made me think we were in
contemporary times. When it became obvious we weren't, it kicked me
right out of the story. Keep an eye on certain phrases that may sound
discordant with each other. Either use the contemporary throughout
(pushing the "modern" world sideways) or use a unique language -- like
calling the flying machine a "cherubimticon" -- to give the world an
inclusive consistency. "Cherubimticon" is a great example of this
because it feels connected to the rest of the world, a world where
angels are rescued and machines are powered by people pedaling
bicycles.
Although the first chapter of Thompson's CHARGED WITH FOLLY needs some
work, I think this novel has great potential. Opening chapters are
sometimes difficult -- there's so much that needs to happen,
especially when using the first chapter to establish world, character,
and some conflict. I really like the low-tech world mixed with
mystical elements, and the setup is intriguing enough to keep me
interested. Be careful of predictable scenes -- that's the sort of
thing that will have a reader setting it down almost immediately.
Overall, a great beginning that could turn into a great novel.
--Jenni Smith-Gaynor
Former editor, Del Rey Books
Editor's Choice, SF Chapter/Partial Chapter:
THE HACKER OF MONTE CRISTO
by Walter Williams
Cyberpunk stories. They immediately conjure images of on-the-edge
characters, fast pacing, witty dialogue, and colorful venues. It's a
great world to sink into and spin to your own vision, attempting to
step apart from those writers who've defined the sub-genre. As such,
though, there is a lot to live up to.
The beginning paragraphs here, introducing Sorceror (I'm not doing it
in hacker style, that would take more time than I want...and I'm not
convinced that it's needed for inside the general narrative; perhaps
only if the characters are looking at their names on a screen) had
some great phrases, such as: "His head swam as he stumbled from the
fuselage into the gangway with the others, like so many sperm seeking
the right path." We definitely need to see more of that kind of zing
in the narrative, since, as the story progressed, the sentence
structure and descriptions flattened out. To make narratives more
lively, look at varying sentence length and mixing up phrasing so it's
not all "He walked here and did this and that" because then it begins
to sound more like a list of actions than a colorful story.
The descriptions of the dancing girls in something as usually bland as
a baggage claim tips off the reader that this isn't necessarily
regular, moden-day Vegas (or is it? I admit I've never been there but
I can't imagine there would be that sort of thing in their airports).
The scene begins with a guy leaving an airplane and going through an
airport, something that isn't inherently rife with tension or
interest. The writer needs to pepper the narrative with unique
descriptions and a concentration on snappy pacing (do we really need
to know all of his actions as he walks here and there?) to hold the
reader's attention. But beware that these descriptions don't go
overboard and become too purple, thus not really pinpointing a solid
image for the reader, as here: "He stepped from the hot tunnel into a
womb of flashing lights with people going in every which way seeking
the magic egg, that slot machine that would uplift them to riches and
a life of ease."
Other small details simply feel off. "Laptops were heavy." Are they?
Not the new ones! The "people mover" -- is there a more flashy way to
describe that? The "savings of old women of both sexes" -- old WOMEN
of BOTH sexes? And some streamlining of the prose would help as well.
Watch for repetition in words: "He winced as the glare from the
sunlight on the pool made his eyes feel as if they were being stabbed
by light. He dropped a bag to shield his eyes with his hand, waiting a
moment for his eyes to adjust to the brilliant light." The dialogue
had some nice moments, as in: "She pushed him in, "What bull shit is
this, $orc3r0r, I ain't no freaking lady."" He grinned. "Just wanted
to watch that yellow clad ass of yours move, that's all."
But then seemed to devolve into throwaway lines or just ones of
incredulity: "Kissing her slightly lower on her torso between each
word, he said, "Now I make you feel like no matter how many strippers
I see, you'll know all I want is you." I can't figure out if he's
serious or not, even as I hope he's being wry or sarcastic, because I
can't imagine any woman finding that an attractive thing to hear. If
the characters were fleshed out a little better even in this early
stage, so we get a firmer grasp on their personalities, it would be
clearer on how to read that line.
Dialogue is "framed" by more than just tags of who said what. In
context of the scene and what the reader knows of the character, it
can heighten tension, elaborate on character, move plot, unfold story,
give ambience of setting... good dialogue in a scene will work on
multiple levels, not just to deliver single details here and there.
Dialogue is also not a direct representation of common human speech,
but the approximation of it in order to achieve everything listed
above. Fool the reader into thinking that this is the way people
always speak, the way conversations always flow. Individuals all speak
differently, and especially in a subculture such as this, we would
expect some different sort of cadence or speech pattern, not to
mention vocabulary, that would provide texture to the world and
characters. Hacker characters have a tradition in science fiction;
what will set one writer's apart from the next?
While the setting is meant to be seedy (all those strip bars and
offerings of sex), the reader doesn't truly get a sense of that lower
side of society. The descriptions are curiously antiseptic, seemingly
plopped there to deliver information more than set tone or mood. What
will make this setting stand out from anything the reader has seen
before? Think about telling details, unique points that the characters
can notice about where they are and who they are with. If the bar is
dark and smokey, what might the shadows look like -- ghosts? Do they
make shapes to the eyes of the main character moving through the room?
That's just a random example, but the senses of the reader can be
heightened with just a few tiny but directed points.
Sorceror himself started out from the first paragraph sounding like an
older man, but as the narrative progressed I got the impression of a
teenager. More description surrounding him, as he seems to be the
protagonist, would curtail this impression if it is not one that the
writer wants. As for the friends he meets at the Can Can, the reader
is not sure of any of their genders, nor is there any description
about these people, so there is no visual image. The dialogue in that
scene is also pretty throwaway and we learn nothing new about what the
plot is, where the tension should be, or what the larger story is. So
far the main detail is Sorceror and Opal's wedding, which isn't enough
to move a reader along, especially in this kind of story that has been
set up.
There is a lot of potential here for these colorful characters to come
alive, in an interesting setting such as Vegas. The subgenre of
cyberpunk coupled with those other two elements lends itself to
creating a unique world rife with tension, action, and driving
dialogue. Exploit the elements that are set forth here, concentrate on
what will make your world have its own voice, just as your characters
must.
--Karin Lowachee
Author of BURNDIVE and CAGEBIRD
http://www.karinlowachee.com
Editor's Choice, Short Story:
"Out of Shape" by Rabia Gale
This is an extremely promising draft of a story about an overweight,
middle-aged accountant who seems to have forgotten that he was once a
werewolf of ferocious and legendary stature. The writing has some
early-stage draft problems: sometimes it carries the reader along
nicely, and sometimes there are confusing pronoun references or places
where the author is doing too much work on the reader's behalf. In the
latter case, there are descriptions of Thaddeus's pudginess that feel
heavy handed and break the narrative flow, as well as dialect that
reads as a sort of Dickensian cliche rather than a tag that tells us
something about the people who live in this city. A little physical
description of Thaddeus goes a long way, as does a little bit of
dialect. The larger issue, however, is motivation.
Why are the vampires suddenly interested in Thaddeus, and why, long
ago, did a werewolf become Thaddeus the accountant? These are
important pieces of the story. Why did Irina come to the city, if she
hates the city? And if she didn't come to find Thaddeus, then why is
she returning with him? Why do the werewolves need Thaddeus? And if
werewolves live in the Forest and vampires live in the City, why are
they natural enemies? And what do normal accountants, living in the
City, know of vampires and werewolves? This may be a short story which
fills in a gap in a novel, but as a short story, we need to have
sufficient background to begin. And it might be better to begin with
Thaddeus in his office, so that we can see what his life is like --
you can also use conversation between him and one of the other
accountants to sketch in the state of the City, to tell us that even
the normal inhabitants know that something odd is afoot. If Thaddeus
is greedy and loves food, show us him at second or third lunch. (But
don't overdo it. You can tell us that the other acountants in his
office admire his ability to pack in food. But the fact that his last
name is Pudgekin is much too much. It seems "cute" in an unfortunate
way. Pick a Dickensian name, which suggests bulk without coming right
out and saying it.) And it will also show us, in a more organic way,
that Thaddeus is unlike the other acountants when he walks home in the
undercity.
Please, show us what the undercity looks like. When Thaddeus
momentarily escapes the vampires and gets on board a trolley, as far
as the reader knows, there's no one else on board the trolley -- which
doesn't seem likely. Overall, we are offered a city of interesting but
somewhat frustratingly vague proportions. We are told that Thaddeus
can't see the night sky, but I don't see why he can't see it. And his
false mother had a garden? Even her house, which supposedly burned
down, doesn't seem to be a ruin when it's described. And I don't
understand why the neighbor, whom Thaddeus talks to, thinks that
Thaddeus is a member of the gentry. An accountant isn't a member of
the gentry -- he's lower-middle-class, if anything. That's one of the
charming things about this story -- that, as Irina says, a prince
among werewolves has become a fat, lowly accountant. Does Thaddeus pay
for Miss Plum's care? We should know if he has responsibilities, and
whether or not he fulfills or abandons them when he finally leaves the
City with Irina. You might want to have him visit to Miss Plum closer
to the beginning, so that the reader already feels that something is
wrong, that Thaddeus's life is not quite right, even before the
vampires begin to follow and attack him.
The vampires are charmingly scary, and Irina, the werewolf who
repeatedly saves Thaddeus's bacon, is a great secondary character. A
note on Madeyes -- I'm not sure that calling him Madeyes is a good
idea. It threw me out of the story that Thaddeus almost immediately
assigns him that name. And frankly, it doesn't seem as good a name as
the writer or the character deserve. As for Irina, you might want to
describe her withered/paralyzed arm much sooner. I thought she had
somehow been injured in the initial fight as she and Thaddeus flee the
vampires. Don't alternate between referring to her as "a woman" and "a
girl." Stick with one from the beginning. Even saying "a female voice"
isn't as good as saying "a woman's voice" or a "girl's voice."
What I would suggest is going through, sentence by sentence, and
really paring away some of the more strained descriptions, or the
clauses that slow down action.
For example: "He nearly gagged at the strong scent of her perfume,
floral but with a harsh, acidic tang. What had she sprayed on all over
herself?" is not as effective as "He nearly gagged at the scent of her
floral perfume. Had she bathed in the stuff?" And: "Thaddeus groaned,
aching muscles protesting, and followed" works better if it's just
"Thaddeus groaned and followed." We already know that he's out of
shape.
Lastly, make sure that your pronoun reference are clear. And also,
watch how you alternate between names and pronouns. In a paragraph, it
usually doesn't make much sense to use the pronoun "he" first and then
someone's name. There are rare exceptions, where you want to end a
paragraph by calling someone by their name in order to give weight to
the action that they're performing, but in general, names come first
and pronouns follow.
Good luck with this. Thaddeus and Irina are wonderful characters.
--Kelly Link
Editor of TRAMPOLINE and co-editor of YEAR'S BEST FANTASY & HORROR
http://www.kellylink.net/
Editor's Choice, Horror:
"In the Garden" by Erzebet YellowBoy
This quiet story is about a woman driven mad by the death of her
infant son. She moves from village to village, killing children, and
is driven out each time by the villagers. Finally, convinced that the
villagers are coming for her once again, she burns herself and the
bodies of the children, convinced that she is making them safe at
last.
The voice and tone in this story are strong and consistent, and that's
very important, since this piece is told in third-person omniscient,
which often means, as it does here, that the voice is in the
forefront. You do a nice job, through the voice, of conveying a
nostalgic wistfulness for the past and the main character's complete
lack of understanding of what she has done. The present-tense
sections of the story convey sensory details in close-up, which
contrasts them with the more distant past-tense sections and also
makes the story feel more real. That works well. I really liked the
three paragraphs that begin with "She had settled into an ancient
cottage." At times, the voice reminds me of Patricia McKillip, Jane
Yolen, and Tanith Lee -- all great writers.
There are several ways in which this story could be improved. Stories
with this plot, the character-goes-crazy plot, are fairly common, so
you need to make sure that your character and the way in which she
goes crazy are clearly defined and unique. Right now, I don't quite
feel like everything is working together toward this end. One
striking aspect of her insanity is her belief that planting the
children and watering them will keep them alive and well. Yet you
haven't quite shown how this belief grew out of her personality and
her disorder. I think she may come to this belief because she grows
herbs that have healing power, which could lead to the belief that the
earth carries healing power, which could lead to the belief that
putting children into the earth would heal them. You need to touch on
each of these points so we can understand how she came to be this way.
Otherwise, it kind of feels like she's burying the children because
you want to shock us. You also need to give at least some hint of
what she thinks she's doing when she kills the children. She must
kill them before burying them; how does she do this and what does she
think about it? The same is true of the dog she boils and eats. And
the climax, where she burns them to make them safe, also needs to be
set up better by showing us, earlier in the story, how she connects
burning with safety. I don't see that connection now, which makes the
climax seem forced and not believable. I'm not asking you to write
paragraphs of explanation about her motives. But this kind of short,
quiet story is like a simple song, and we need each note in the song
to be played for the whole to work. Right now, I feel like you're
missing a few notes.
Stylistically, the main weakness is the use of tense. It shifts
between past and past perfect too much and in the wrong places. This
is a common problem authors have. Using past perfect for an extended
amount of time often reads awkwardly. (Past perfect is formed by
combining the past tense of the auxiliary verb to have with the past
participle of your verb -- she had eaten, he had read, they had
known.) All of those hads start feeling very cumbersome. If you have
a long section where you are describing some action that took place
before the main action of the story, and so ought to be in past
perfect, you only need to use past perfect for the first sentence or
two. Then make a smooth transition into regular past tense and use
regular past for the rest of the passage. Then at the end of the
passage, you may want to go back into past perfect for a sentence or
two, so you can easily indicate when you switch back to the present of
the story.
What you're doing, instead of this, is switching from past perfect to
past here and there in the passage to cut down on the number of hads,
creating confusing, distracting tense shifts. Here's an example:
"That time it was Malma's sons to grace her door with curling hair and
cheerful eyes and a little pup that followed close behind them. She'd
stewed the puppy up when all was done and had a tasty meal and planted
his small masters in the back. She'd learned caution and kept them
slowly, one by one or two, though rarely, whenever she'd a chance.
"What better place to keep a child safe than in the garden? In
amongst the brush and flowering bush she made them each a home. She'd
marked each one with a single stone, white and round and placed just
so and she had watered them well. She'd talked with them and brought
them plates of food each day but to no avail. She had to leave them
all when the fires rose around her, when once more the townsfolk found
her out and came with vengeance in their hearts."
Which sentences are in past tense? Sentences 1, 4, 5, 8. Which
sentences are in past perfect? Sentences 2, 3, 6, 7. You can see
that the number of shifts is excessive and distracting. The only
sentence that needs to be in past perfect, in my opinion, is sentence
3. That one is discussing what she'd learned before this current
murder, so it should be in past perfect to indicate this.
One last suggestion is that you describe her infant son more before he
dies. I think it's important that we get a clear picture of him and
understand what it is about him that she finds so special. His apple
cheeks or stubby fingers or whatever. I never see him, so I never
feel her loss. I would also cut the sentence, "Her son caught a fever
and within a month was gone." This sentence carried some good power
when I read it -- it was shocking that he died in one sentence -- but
it makes her struggles to keep him alive, which you describe in the
following paragraph, seem pointless, and it emotionally distances me
from her. I think it's important that we sympathize with her at this
point, so our horror at her insanity will be greater later on.
I hope these suggestions are helpful. The story has a lot going for
it.
--Jeanne Cavelos
Editor of THE MANY FACES OF VAN HELSING
http://www.odysseyworkshop.org/
| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop recognizes members who
have given useful, insightful reviews. After all, that's what makes
the workshop go, so we want to give great reviewers a little
well-earned recognition!
If you got a really useful review and would like to add the reviewer
to the Reviewer Honor Roll, use our online honor-roll nomination form
-- log in and link to it from the bottom of the Reviewer Honor
Roll page at http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml.
Your nomination will appear on the first day of the next calendar
month.
The Honor Roll will show all September nominations beginning October 1.
Meanwhile, here are two advance highlights from this month:
Reviewer: Ian Tregillis
Submission: QUEEN FERRIS Chap 15 (pt1) "Ferris's Tears" by Sam Butler
Submitted by: Sam Butler
Nominator's Comments: A terrific review from Ian in which he focuses
on the subtleties of characterization and pushes me to try for a
defter touch. A great deal of thought went into this crit. Thanks
again, Ian.
Reviewer: Amy Alger
Submission: The Pitiless Wave-- Revised by Valerie Sanders
Submitted by: Valerie Sanders
Nominator's Comments: Amy not only got where I was headed with this
story, she saw and pointed out precisely where it fell short and why.
She clearly spent a lot of time and thought on this review and her
keen insights have given me lots of food for thought and revision.
Thanks, Amy!
Reviewers nominated to the honor roll during August include: Kathryn
Allen (3), Lindsay B, Carolyn Bahr, Brad Beaulieu, Sandie Bergen,
Vicky Burkholder, Rae Carson (2), Linda Dicmanis (2), B.K. Dunn, Kurt
Hausheer (2), elizabeth hull, David Reagan, Charles Smith, Linda
Steele, Ian Tregillis.
We congratulate them all for their excellent reviews. All nominations
received in August can be still found through September 30 at:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml
| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
We can't announce them if you don't let us know! So drop Charlie a
line at support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com whenever you have good
news to share.
OWW Staff Sales and Publications:
Charles Coleman Finlay sold "Abandon the Ruins," the new Maggot
novella he workshopped recently, to F&SF. Charlie says, "I was
experimenting with the opening and the ending, and they needed
significant revisions before I sent it out, which my reviewers pointed
out. Unfortunately my hard drive crashed and I lost all the reviews
before I had the chance to send out individual thank you notes... so
thanks to everyone who reviewed this story!"
OWW Resident Editor Kelly Link has a new short-story collection out:
MAGIC FOR BEGINNERS, featuring her Hugo-Award winning story "The Faery
Handbag." Find out more (and order) at
http://www.lcrw.net/kellylink/mfb/index.htm
OWW Member Sales and Publications:
Brad Beaulieu's OWWorkshopped story "The Pieces of Emperor Phun"
appeared in the July issue of _Quantum Muse_
(http://www.quantummuse.com/july05_pieces.html).
Leah Bobet's story "Lagtime" will appear in a future issue of _On
Spec_ (http://www.onspec.ca). She says that "thanks go to Stephanie
Burgis, Elizabeth Bear, Dena Landon, and Stella Evans for their crits
when it was workshopped back in the day." Also, her story "The Girl
With the Heart of Stone" will appear in _Strange Horizons_
(http://www.strangehorizons.com) in early 2006. This time the "thanks
go to Siobhan Carroll, Katherine Miller, Dena Landon, Tempest,
Christiana Ellis, Chance, Eric Bresin, and Adrienne Allman for their
crits."
Chris Dolley (re)sold his novel RESONANCE to the Science Fiction Book
Club.
S. Evans sold "Water, Fire, and Faith" to _Strange Horizons_
(http://www.strangehorizons.com). She says "it's my April Fools THEY
FIGHT CRIME challenge story. That's #3. If I want, I can join SFWA
now. I'm especially jazzed because this story is very near and dear
to my heart: it's about mermaids, the Mississippi River, Minneapolis--
particulary the bit where I live, near the Stone Arch Bridge, and the
Pillsbury A Mill, which apparently will be torn down sometime in the
near future to make a 27-story condominium complex called the Flour
Sack Flats." Look for it (the story, not the complex) in early 2006.
Non-fiction selling machine Heidi Kneale sold her story "A Life in
the Day of a Cat" to the anthology TWISTED CAT TALES. She adds that
"It's been more than half a year since my last fiction publication, so
I'm pretty stoked about this." As well she should be! And her fantasy
musical comedy "Who Am I" won Second Place at the annual Stake
Roadshow as well. Oh, and she sold two more non-fiction SF-related
articles, "Nebula Birthplace or Refiner's Fire?" to _IROSF_ and
"Workshopping and Critique" to _Vision Magazine_.
Chris Manucy's first published short, "Cat Whisker Wound," can be
found in the July issue of _Lady Churchill's Rosebud Wristlet_.
Congrats, Chris!
Karen Mayer's fantasy novel, THE KINSHIELD LEGACY, workshopped in its
entirety at OWW, has won the 2005 ArcheBooks Publishing Co. novel
contest for the Science Fiction/Fantasy/Horror category. Karen tells
us, "It's due to be released in Oct 2005 in hardcover. My special
thanks go to the OWW members who helped me find the flaws: Carol
Scarr, Tony Valiulis, Jo Van De Walle, and (former OWW member) Susan
Hopewell. This will be my first fiction publication. Thanks for making
OWW such a terrific site!" You're welcome.
Sandra McDonald sold two novels to Tor! She tells us that "ALCHERINGA
is SF adventure full of military intrigue, romance, and myterious
ancient alien technology. The first chapters were critiqued at OWW
and James Patrick Kelly picked one as an Editor's Choice in 2004.
It'll be out in 2007 in hardcover and paperback. The second novel is a
yet-to-be-titled sequel."
Pam McNew's poem "Thoughts, From A Sin Eater" appeared in _Fortean
Bureau_ (http://www.forteanbureau.com/sept2005/Sept_FB_McNew.html).
Michael Merriam has two stories appearing in September. "Darkly
Though The Light Waters" appears in the September/October issue of
_Sorcery and Science_ (http://www.sorceryscience.com/webzine.html).
And "Angel Above," a science fiction romance novelette, is being
serialized in two parts in the September and December issues of
_Lyrica: A Webzine Of Romantic Fiction_ (http://clik.to/lyrica).
Karen Miller wrote us: "I just wanted to let you know that the book I
was working on while a member of the workshop (THE INNOCENT MAGE:
KINGMAKER, KINGBREAKER BOOK 1) is now published, and is a #1
bestseller here in Australia. In its early incarnation it was selected
Runner Up Best Fantasy Chapter by the editorial team. Needless to say
I'm beyond thrilled as it's my first published fantasy, and I just
wanted to say again how important the workshop was in getting the work
up to scratch and keeping my little flame of self-confidence alive in
the days when I was drowning in a sea of self-doubt." We're glad we
were here for you, Karen!
Ruth Nestvold, with co-author Jay Lake, sold "The Candadian Who
Almost Came All the Way Home From the Stars" to _Sci Fiction_
(http://www.scifi.com/scifiction/). Ruth says "I want to thank Deb
Coates, Katherine Miller, Christine Hall, and Linda Dicmanis for their
suggestions when it went through the workshop."
Sarah Prineas's story "Crow's Changeling" was published in _Strange
Horizons_
(http://www.strangehorizons.com/2005/20050905/changeling-f.shtml).
Jeremy Yoder's story "A Lesson in Heroics" was accepted for a humorous
fantasy anthology entitled BASH DOWN THE DOOR AND SLICE OPEN THE
BADGUY. He sends "Special thanks to reviwers Aaron Brown, Joshua
Palmatier, Raymond Walsh, Seth Skorkowsky, Michael Goodwind, and Tim
Brommer. And my thanks to those who set up the writing marathon. Most
of this story was written during that month when I was really pushing
myself. (Which meant writing during lunch hours, in my car, in a
deserted parking lot, while hunched over my newly purchased
Alphasmart.)" In addition, Jeremy's story "Always Greener on the
Other Side," accepted almost 2 years ago, just came out in the
anthology FANTASTICAL VISIONS III, with beautiful artwork by Stephanie
Pui-Mun Law.
| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Number of members as of 9/20: 593 paying, 60 trial
Number of submissions currently online: 472
Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 77.75%
Percent of submissions with zero reviews: 3.18%
Average reviews per submission (all submissions): 5.13
Estimated average review word count (all submissions): 667.53
Number of submissions in August: 350
Number of reviews in August: 1554
Ratio of reviews/submissions in August: 4.44
Estimated average word count per review in August: 720.62
Number of submissions in September to date: 270
Number of reviews in September to date: 1294
Ratio of reviews/submissions in September to date: 4.79
Estimated average word count per review in September to date: 746.49
Total number of under-reviewed submissions: 22 (4.7% of total subs)
Number over 3 days old with 0 reviews: 3
Number over 1 week old with under 2 reviews: 10
Number over 2 weeks old with under 3 reviews: 9
| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
"Trivia vs. Writing Real Stories"
Excerpted and adapted from STORYTELLER: 30 YEARS OF THE CLARION
WRITERS' WORKSHOP
(c) 2005 Kate Wilhelm / Published by Small Beer Press, Northampton, MA
One year Damon and I arrived to teach the last two weeks of the
six-week Clarion Writers Workshop with a list of stories we forbade
the students to pursue. We explained each item on the list and said
don't do it again.
First the _Poor Me_ story. _Mother hates me, Father hates me, brother,
sister, teachers . . . Also I'm ugly and I can't get laid._
Enough, we said. No one who asks for pity gets it. Save it for your
shrink, someone who gets paid to hear your complaints. Reading is a
voluntary act and no one wants to hear a litany of whines. A dead-end,
go-nowhere story. No more.
Next, the obverse. _I'm wonderful. After I slayed the dragon and
rescued the damsel, I took on and destroyed the army and taught the
inhabitants how to do everything. I solved the problems, found the
treasure, was the object of every girl's desire . . . _
Enough. Save your adolescent wish-fulfillment fantasies for the
shrink. No one likes a braggart.
The _Gotcha!_ story. _Ha, ha, you just read three thousand words about
a bug, or a cloud, or a rock or some other insensate creature or
object._ What's the point? To prove how clever you are? A deceived
reader rejects story and writer as well. You have to play fair and be
honest, or take up politics.
_Anecdotes._ These are amusing or intriguing little things to mention
at a dinner or cocktail party but have no meaning outside of the small
incident itself. Although they can be incorporated into a story
through a character, they don't substitute for story.
_The Fantasy Lover._ The lover is a dream image, a succubus or
incubus, a spirit, a ghost, someone who is great in bed, or
disappears. The Fantasy Lover doesn't wash dishes, leave dirty socks
on the floor, go shopping, get headaches, complain . . . More wish
fulfillment that goes nowhere. Get a live-in companion and get a life.
_Travelog, or What I Did Last Summer._ Write an article. Memoirs don't
work as short stories unless and until they are fictionalized.
_No Problem._ But it gets solved! Dick and Jane can't decide between
the mountains or the coast for a vacation. They like both. They go to
the coast. The Non-Problem is solved. Or the decision involves a pink
or blue dress. Or chocolate or vanilla ice cream. Okay, I simplified a
little, but the core of the story was a non-problem that was solved.
Drug trips or dreams. Then I woke up. Why bother? Nothing is real
here, it's vaporware before there was a name for it. We got more tired
of drug trip stories than we could bear, and in the end they were all
the same with minor variations.
Fan Fiction. Nothing is more boring than Star Trek done in three
thousand words with new names given the characters, or Lord of the
Rings, or Star Wars. Save it for a fanzine, for someone who cares. Few
editors do, and fewer readers who are not addicted to that particular
show or novel. Amateurish and juvenile. No more.
Incomprehensible stories deliberately made so by arcane knowledge and
language, obfuscation, or neologisms that are indecipherable. No
footnotes are allowed in short fiction, no glossary. No one wants to
read a short story that requires a good dictionary or a university
degree in one or another of the arts or sciences. If there's no
meaning to be found, it's a dead-end, trivial story, regardless of how
profound the writer judges it to be.
_You must help me!_ No. No one must help someone else, although people
often do. But it is not story material. The helper too often turns out
to be an observer, and we want to read about the person directly
involved, not someone implored to help, who is then free to go back to
whatever she was doing in the first place.
The students sent a delegation of protest. One of the women wailed,
"But there's nothing left to write about!" We could commiserate, but
not relent. No more finger exercise, typing practice, filling pages
just to be doing something. It can be habit forming. You don't want to
train yourself to write trivia. Every time a trivial story gets
treated seriously you're strengthening the synapse that will feed you
another just as trivial. It has to stop here and now. If there's
nothing to write about, possibly you've chosen the wrong career.
The students went on strike and did not turn in any stories for the
next class. We lectured then sent them away to write. We knew there
was always a slump along about the fourth or fifth week when
exhaustion had reached a peak. Then stories began to show up again,
and they were real stories.
For the second half of this useful article, see our Tips and Advice
area: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/tips/wilhelm.shtml#2
-----
Got a helpful tip for your fellow members? A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission? Share it with us and we'll publish it in the next
newsletter. Just send it to support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com and
we'll do the rest.
Until next month -- just write!
The Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
| - - Copyright 2005 Online Writing Workshops - - - - - - - - - - - |
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