O | The Online Writing Workshop for SF, F & H Newsletter, February 2006
W | http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!
| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
- Workshop News:
March (Writing Marathon) Madness
March writing challenge
Market information
Membership payment information
- OWW Writer Space News
- Editors' Choices for January submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Tips & Feedback
| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
February is the month of Valentines and this month we're in love...
with good reviewers! There were so many positive comments in
January's Reviewer Honor Roll that we wanted to share a few more than
normal.
Barbara Gordon nominated Leonid Korogodski, saying, "This was such a
reassuring review. I've been laying little motifs and foreshadowings
through the text, and in a chapter-by-chapter workshop format it's
hard for a reviewer to 'get' those, but Leo did. He recognised the
transmutation and knot/net themes running through the chapter and
noted them. He also caught some things that need to be brought out
more to keep the story consistent."
Becky Kyle nominated a review by Lizzie Newell of a chapter written by
Nancy Kreml with these remarks: "This reviewer expressed tidily a lot
of questions I have about writing my own manuscripts. From how to open
the chapter, to how to keep tension going, the reviewer didn't just
express what they liked/disliked but how to fix problems with the work
and work for continuous improvement. Very good job, Lizzie. I'm going
to be looking for more of your critiques."
And Catherine Creek nominated Shad Fagerland with this succinct
comment. "This was the only review I needed in order to figure out
what was wrong with the story. Shad got right to the point."
Your insightful reviews are the heart of OWW.
See everyone nominated last month and the link to all the comments in
the Reviewer Honor Roll below.
MARCH (WRITING MARATHON) MADNESS
Laurie Davis swapped her librarian's cap for an OWW volunteer safety
helmet (tastefully decorated in two shades of blue) and sent us this
announcement:
Attention, everyone! The March Writing Marathon begins in a little
over a week (Monday, Feb. 27) and we still need you to join us. So
far we have twelve participants. Maria will be maintaining a list of
participants and their progress on her Web site:
http://mariazannini.com/writing%20marathon.htm
Here are the basics!
What: Four weeks of turning off your inner editor and writing, writing,
writing.
When: Begins Monday, February 27 and ends Sunday, March 26, 2006. (This
gives us four full weeks and allows a week off to recover before . . . the
April Crit Marathon!)
Who: Anyone on OWW, or anyone not on OWW who hears about it and wants to
join the marathon. Just e-mail me and I'll put you on the list.
Why: To give participants a chance to set writing goals and use the
pressure of the marathon to achieve those goals.
How: Set a goal for yourself: a word count and/or time goal for each day.
Feel free to tailor this to suit your individual needs. Examples: One hour
every day and 7000 words a week. Two hours five days a week and 30
pages/week. Fifteen minutes and one page a day.
If you want to participate, e-mail me: littleelf10 (at) hotmail.com
Include the following information:
Name
Weekly/Daily goal(s)
Name of project you plan to work on
Any wisdom/tips you have to offer your fellow marathoners before we begin
E-mail me before February 24 if you want to participate. I will
compile the list of participants and post it to the list when we
begin. I will also forward it to Maria, who will post it on her
Web site so we can all check our weekly progress.
MARCH WRITING CHALLENGE
Jodi, OWW Challenge Dictator, Unicorn Warlord, and general menace,
takes another month off. In an unexpected twist, Charlie leaped into
the breach and challenged everyone:
Reversal of Fortune
March's Writing Challenge is to add a new tool to your writing
toolbox, or, if you already have it, to sharpen it a bit.
A plot reversal happens when an emotion, situation, or event becomes
its opposite. The man who hears an intruder in his home and calls
the police is arrested when they arrive. The woman who is preparing
for a sexy evening with her husband comes home and catches him in bed
with someone else. The child who is in danger rescues her parent.
Plot reversals are a great way to make the worst thing happen to your
protagonist -- set up one set of expectations, then pull the rug out
from under them. They can take a tense situation and make it even
tenser. Good reversals have an element of surprise to them, yet feel
right. Like any tool, reversals can be overused or done poorly. But
this month's challenge is to write a story or chapter in which every
scene ends with some kind of reversal.
Yes, every scene. We've all read stories where the ending is a
reversal -- a creepy guy picks up a beautiful woman at a bar and
takes her home, but before he can do evil things to her she turns
into a vampire and kills him, and that's the whole story. Think
smaller. Find some kind of emotional or situational reversal for
every scene. Every reversal should be a surprise and yet feel natural
to the story. There's a bonus if you can include one on every third
or fourth page.
Remember: These are supposed to be fun, so take a chance and stretch
yourself. Reversals are especially common in thrillers and mysteries,
but you can use them in any sub-genre at all. There's no word limit,
no time limit, no nothin'. Just have fun. :)
Please don't post your challenge pieces to the workshop until March
first. Include "March Challenge" in your title so you can show off
how fancy you are to all your friends.
For more details on the challenges, check the OWW Writer Space at
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/tiki/tiki-index.php?page=Challenges
or the Challenge home page at: http://www.thermeon.net/checkered/Challenge.html
MARKET INFORMATION
Back at the end of January, we received this market notice for comic
book writers:
Scientific educational non-profit seeks bids for writing/scripting
manga-style comic book targeting middle-school and high-school
students, especially girls and minorities age 12-16.
Writing should mix action adventure with scientific principles of
optics and photonics, with stress on real-world applications such as
biomimetics (artificial muscles), nanotechnology, lasers, distance
imaging, etc. Additional material may be needed to provide readers
with simple science experiments suitable for home or school.
Strong characterization and strong plot writing a must to enable
spin-off merchandising. Comic will be 5" x 7.5" formatted in color or
b/w, with 64-128 pages. Company is willing to take bids from single
creator or writer/artist teams.
Contact Rebecca at oakstone3 (at) yahoo.com to submit bids or
for further information.
MEMBERSHIP PAYMENT INFORMATION
How to pay: In the U.S., you can pay by PayPal or send us a check or
money order. Outside of the U.S., you can pay via PayPal (though
international memberships incur a small set-up fee); pay via Kagi
(www.kagi.com--easier for non-U.S. people); send us a check in U.S.
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and some post offices). If none of those options work for you, you
can send us U.S. dollars through the mail if you choose, or contact us
about barter if you have interesting goods to barter (not services).
Scholarship fund and gift memberships: you can give a gift membership
for another member; just send us a payment by whatever method you
like, noting who the membership is for and specifying whether the gift
is anonymous or not. We will acknowledge receipt to you and the
member. Or you can donate to our scholarship fund, which we use to
fully or partially cover the costs of an initial paying membership for
certain active, review-contributing members whose situations do not
allow them to pay the full membership fee themselves.
Bonus payments: The workshop costs only 94 cents per week, but we know
that many members feel that it's worth much more to them. So here's
your chance to award us with a bonus on top of your membership fee.
For example, is the workshop worth five dollars a month to you? Award
us a $11 bonus along with your $49 membership fee. 25% of any bonus
payments we receive will go to our support staff, sort of like a tip
for good personal service. The rest will be tucked away to lengthen
the shoestring that is our budget and keep us running!
For more information:
Payments: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships.shtml
Bonus payments and information about our company:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/bonuspayments.shtml
Price comparisons:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships_comparison.shtml
| - - OWW WRITER SPACE NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/tiki/
The OWW Writer Space is a wiki that includes:
--a creative writing "rec room" (collaborative stories, etc.)
--a writing and marketing skills bank
--critique group area with pages for all critique groups
--workshop happenings
--discussion forums
It is open to all current OWW members (including trial members) and
almost every page and area is open to additions, editing,
improvements, and contributions from all. Currently the coolest thing
going is probably the archive of knowledge and wisdom from our OWW focus
groups. One collaborative story is on the move as well.
Your OWW member ID and password will get you in. On the wiki, user
names are case-sensitive (they aren't on the workshop), so remember
how you signed up for OWW!
| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Editors' Choices are chosen from the submissions from the previous
month that show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of
our Resident Editors. Submissions in four categories -- SF, F,
horror, and short stories -- receive a detailed review, meant to be
educational for others as well as the author.
Reviews are written by our Resident Editors, award-winning authors and
instructors Jeanne Cavelos, Karin Lowachee, and Kelly Link, and by
experienced science-fiction and fantasy editor Jenni Smith-Gaynor. The
last four months of Editors' Choices and their editorial reviews are
archived on the workshop. Go to the "Read, Rate, Review" page and
click on "Editors' Choices."
Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors!
Editor's Choice, Fantasy Chapter/Partial Chapter:
LAMENT FOR THE WINDS, CH. 1 by Sarah Trick
Sarah Trick tells us in her author's comments that LAMENT FOR THE
WINDS is a "weird epic political romantic fantasy thing." I'm not sure
the first chapter is "weird" or a "thing," but there are definitely
politics and potential romance. Trick also makes a comment about a
prologue (which I haven't read), but since she says that chapter one
has nothing to do with the prologue, I recommend removing the prologue
from the manuscript.
From the beginning, we are plunged into a complex world of dynastic
intrigue. A mercenary mage, Vakar Mobris, is ordered by his royal
master to spy on a niece. The master is High Prince Darinas of Weyren,
and not a nice guy. His niece, the daughter of his sister and a queen
in her husband's land of Erethalian, is reportedly a candidate for a
tribute to "the City of All Worlds." The city, Andorel Phai, is a city
of mages and Mobris' home. Mobris refuses to return to this city
thinking, "That part of my life is over," but does not like the idea
of his master's niece as Tribute.
This seems like a great setup for an adventure -- the voice of Mobris
from the moment we meet him is sarcastic and likeable. He waits on the
pleasure of his stingy and arrogant High Prince with a hangover
(something I would have liked woven more throughout this conversation
since it was highlighted at the opening and would give the reader a
greater view into Morbis' character) and understands the price a young
girl will pay as Tribute. Unfortunately, the impact of this scene is
lost without fully understanding what exactly the Tribute means.
The next scene in this chapter opens with Mobris dreaming of Kalian,
the princess with a power for Tribute, offering herself to him as his
slave. He wakes and sees his master's wife sitting by his desk. The
wife bears a letter from Queen Raynela, Prince Darinas' sister.
Raynela asks to see Mobris, and the mage decides to go. Right now,
this scene feels like filler -- a basic means to show us that the
court of Darinas is not as it seems and that his sister has her own
spies to do her bidding. It's very subtle and not quite fleshed out
enough to have the impact I think Trick meant. Raeselenne, Darinas'
wife, had flirted with the mage, who was not inclined to return her
amorous invitation, but her cool demeanor as the spy for her
sister-in-law seemed underdeveloped. We'd see a greater picture and
have a better understanding of the politics, the social status, and
the gender balance (or imbalance) with more telling details. This is a
good beginning, but additional material here would greatly bulk up
this opening chapter and give the ending a much stronger impact.
Use more telling details to ground us in the world. In the final
section of this chapter, Mobris enters a captial city. It's unclear if
this city is Andoral Phai (the City) or just the capital city of
Erethal. We know Queen Ranyela's country is south of her brother's
kingdom. And enough small details of the differences between their two
kingdoms were sprinkled around at the beginning, but I'd still like
more. Darinas seems to view women as subservient; Erethal educates
their princesses and allows them rule. The people of Erethal are
darker skinned than people from Weyren -- Queen Ranyela hardly goes
outdoors without veiling her fair complexion. More details like this,
plus other sensory elements will just make the chapter stronger.
An opening chapter has to do many things for a reader -- it has to
hook them into the plot, character, and world. World building all at
once can slow momentum and bore the reader. Too much action at once
can be confusing and lack of an empathetic character (or a character
who at least elicits emotion in the reader) can make a potential fan
close the cover.
This opening chapter of Sarah Trick's novel has a great framework to
build on -- a character with some chutzpah, a complex world ripe with
intrigue and conflict, and a damsel in distress... or is she? More
details would ground the reader and create a unique world with its own
fresh take on political shennanigans. I wanted to know more about the
political system and the magic I'm sure Trick will delve more deeply
into with later chapters. I think this needs a lot of work, but has
the potential to go far. I kept reading to the end of the chapter, and
when it's fleshed out with more grounding details, others will keep
reading, too.
--Jenni Smith-Gaynor
Former editor, Del Rey Books
Editor's Choice, SF Chapter/Partial Chapter:
GRASSES-IN-THE-WIND, CHAPTER 1, BOOK 2 by Ian Morrison
There were a few good chapters this month that made it difficult to pick
just one, but this one was chosen for two main reasons: the Synopsis at the
beginning and this chapter's pacing. I'd chosen another chapter from this
same book about a year ago and it's gratifying to see that nothing has
really waned. The prose is self-assured and reads as if it were already
published.
Synopsis writing as a skill is important. It's not the same as writing a
full and detailed outline, and is definitely different from writing the book
itself. It's basically the "pitch" one gives the editor and has to do many
things at once: hook the reader, explain the main characters, plot, and
story all at once without being too heavyladen, and be interesting to read
as it is. Synopses might not necessarily make or break a book that crosses
an editor's desk, but it can help. Though the Editor's Choice is really for
the chapters themselves, I wanted to point out that in the business of
writing, being able to execute a good synopsis is something you are expected
to do, even after you're published.
In this synopsis, which encapsulates Book 1, it engages the reader right
away by stating the protagonist, her main "problem," and the effects of her
actions. The balanced use of "the rule of three" -- giving the reader three
main points to latch onto -- doesn't overburden the description with too
much detail that would make the main events difficult to track. Sentence
structure is punchy, varied, just as one would write the actual story --
just because it's a synopsis doesn't mean it can fall back on textbook type
description. The prose is dynamic:
"Soldiers follow and attack her. In a moment of panic, she unearths the
small unique stone responsible for her troubles. With it, she discovers she
can use the vision of the maze as a weapon. She defeats the soldiers only to
set off a deadly grass fire."
By the end of even these few paragraphs, I was more than ready to jump into
the book to see the follow up in execution. If I'd had Book 1 in front of me
it would've made me want to read it.
The other reason I picked this chapter is for its pacing. Pacing is one of
those things that is a little difficult to get, because oftentimes writers
focus on the minutiae of the prose -- sentence structure, diction, dialogue
-- or the far broader and perhaps more complicated issues of plot and
characterization. Pacing, however, is important because it can either propel
a reader or make them put down the book. When you work a story over and over
again and become so familiar with it that in rereading you can blow right
over the prose, it's difficult to judge pacing, to see where parts, scenes,
even paragraphs might drag or actually be too breezy. This chapter has great
pacing, and one aspect of that is how the passage of time was handled.
"He had read about the wind, the arctic express as some called it, a denizen
of the northern plains as much as the meadowlark and the gray wolf. For five
days, it had scoured his eyeballs and chilled his bones. By the second day,
he had learned to hold his head at a slight angle, squint, and never trust a
lull."
Not only are we being told how much time has passed, but we're given
colorful description that sets tone and environment. It carries on, moving
ahead time through subtle repetition that gives the feel of the monotony of
a march and the slow drag of time:
"He rode on, a slave to lesser gods.
On the sixth day, his horse threw a shoe, and then he walked."
Repeating, "He walked on," which isn't precisely the same as the wording
before but gives the impression of a day-in and day-out doggedness. This
also serves the character to muse on events, which brings the reader up to
speed, and when we need to be brought solidly into the present, Taka "snaps
out of it." Not only was time passing without bogging paragraphs with
useless details, but exposition is explained, and in that explaining, it
serves the purpose of creating reactions in the character that fit the
action. His mind wanders because he's traveling on foot by himself across a
dry landscape.
When the action catches up in time with no further glossing of days, the
imagery is stark and to the point, but doesn't lose any of its flavor:
"His knowledge of the North-Kingdom military told him exactly what to
expect: a mini city of tents in perfect rows, a square mess tent in the
center, flagpoles to the north in front of the officer's pavilion, latrines
to the east, a pattern of efficiency that repeated itself over the vast N-K
empire wherever troops were deployed. The scene before him disappointed only
in detail; the camp was far too small and had been sacked. The tents sagged.
their sides slashed open and their contents strewn across the trodden
ground. Several flagpoles lay crisscrossed over burnt canvas like so many
discarded matchsticks. Three ravens walked with the nonchalance of ruling
monarchs among the scattered remains of the mess tent."
First the reader gets the image of how things usually are, and then we're
given the damage. Salient details are selected, with the dynamic use of the
ravens to counteract what could otherwise be a static set. As it's out in
the open, it only makes sense that there would be some kind of wildlife
about. Paying attention to these details builds a realistic scene for the
reader.
Once Taka begins to interact with the others, the pace does not drag though
it could so easily with a lesser writer who might throw in superfluous
dialogue. Here, everything said manages to accomplish what dialogue ought
to: show and enrich character, and advance the story, giving details the
reader needs to know, but not everything, or anything that would be outside
the knowledge of those speaking. There definitely is no "As you know, Bob"
expository conversation. The natural flow of the dialogue serves to keep the
pacing smooth.
Perhaps because this is the Book 2 of the tale we aren't given any
description of Taka himself, but if there is anything lacking in this
chapter it's some small details about the point-of-view character himself in
this section. It doesn't hurt to sometimes remind the reader of one or two
important physical details, in order to just refresh their memories.
--Karin Lowachee
Author of BURNDIVE and CAGEBIRD
http://www.karinlowachee.com
Editor's Choice, Short Story:
"Dragon Taming" by Rachel Gold
In recent years, there have been a number of extremely good fantasy novels
and short stories concerning dragons. Jo Walton's wonderful, wonderful TOOTH
AND CLAW won the World Fantasy award two years ago. Michael Swanwick
published a fantastic novella, "King Dragon", which took place in the same
world as his novel THE IRON DRAGON'S DAUGHTER. Last year, a debut novel
which centered on the relationship between humans and dragons, TOUCHED BY
VENOM, touched off a venomous online free-for-all. This year Naomi Novik's
debut, HIS MAJESTY'S DRAGON, (picture a cross between Patrick O'Brian and
Anne McCaffrey) was such an enjoyable read that once I started, I couldn't
put it down. Clearly this is a good time to be reading (and writing) fantasy
about dragons, and this submission, by Rachel Gold, is a promising draft of
a story about a girl who wants to know more about dragons.
Let's start with what's working. What draws me in is the main character,
Brae. I'm convinced by her longing to see a dragon up close, and by her
bravery when she finally gets her chance. I'm also convinced by the magic in
the story, and by the economics of being a dragon rider. Dragon blood is
valuable for its power -- that strikes me as a terrific and believable
detail. I also believe that the dragons and their riders use their abilities
to put out fires, and that it's trendy for the nobility to have their stone
buildings heat-treated by fire. I love that Brae tells us that the dragons
do this because they need to make a living, but that they also do it because
stone treated by dragon fire is beautiful, and dragons love beauty. I'm also
drawn in by the description of what happens to Brae when she sucks the
dragon blood off the arrow. I'm convinced by the way her blood turns to
fire. In good fantasies, characters have to pay a price for magic, and the
price that Brae pays is high, but appropriate. I'm interested in finding out
what happens to Brae when she leaves her town, and takes up with dragon
riders.
The structure of the story is slightly unusual. The first part is told from
Brae's point of view, as a dragon lands in an attempt to discover who has
fired at arrow at him; then we switch to the POV of Rada, the dragon rider
who discovers that her dragon has gifted Brae with the bloody arrow and thus
put her in a risky if much-desired situation. Then back to Brae, who is
burning with the gifted dragon blood -- these descriptions of what the blood
does to her and what she can now do, are very compelling. Finally we get a
coda in which Brae, now a dragon rider, comes back to her birthplace in
order to fulfill a request for a dragon to come and fire palace stone. There
she discovers that the person who shot an arrow at Rada's dragon was the
prince, now a king. He confesses that he shot the dragon not only because
the blood was precious, but because he wanted to see a dragon up close --
Brae, of course, sympathizes. Princes, after all, aren't allowed to become
dragon riders. Does this structure work? Yes and no. It's reasonably
satisfying, and the hinge -- or twist, if you will, is the discovery that the
prince's longing to fly paralleled Brae's desire. He's a kindred spirit. But
I'd imagine that, even writing this story, the author is contemplating a
much longer narrative arc. There's certainly enough material to make a good
novel. One of the pleasures of a coming-of-age story like this is getting to
see the newcomer adjust to their new life, and learn to fit into a very
different kind of society. (Think Harry Potter.) The short story version
elides all this. So is it worth sending out the short story while you work
on the novel? Yes, but you've got some work to do.
Some of this work is merely catching comma splices, etc. Another minor
detail: don't keep replacing the word dragon with substitutes. At the
moment, the story is larded with alternatives like "behemoth", "creature",
"beast" -- don't do this! Dragon, dragon, dragon. This is a story about
dragons. Brae is obsessed with _dragons_.
More importantly, you've got to do some work on the setting. Sometimes
Brae's home is described as a village, and sometimes it's described as a
town. These aren't the same things. In any case, there's also a palace and a
prince, and so surely this isn't a village or even a smallish town. What
kind of world are we in? Is it something like Italy under the Medicis, with
lots of small fiefdoms and merchant princes? Probably not, because Brae's
parents are merchants and they clearly don't hang out with the prince, and
because there's a king as well. Really? A king? So this must be a fairly
prosperous royal seat. Already the worldbuilding is feeling shaky.
Furthermore, would the inn that Brae's parents run really be just down the
street from the palace? What kind of palace is this, exactly? How fortified
is it? Where do the prince's personal guard come from? There are more than
twenty-four of them? Really? And that's just the _prince's_ personal guard?
Why does he need so many? Are they local men or are they foreigners? Are
they decorative, or are they a real fighting force? How does the prince's
family afford to keep so many soldiers? Who has the power in this world,
princes and kings, or dragons and their riders?
Work on the inn that Brae's parents run, as well. Sometimes she refers to it
as an inn, and sometimes as her "home" or even a "house" which seems odd.
It's not a house, and it's not really even a home, primarily. It's a
business establishment. Furthermore, Brae's parents are attempting to build
a merchant dynasty, but innkeepers aren't really merchants. Successful
merchant dynasties don't run inns. They outfit trading expeditions and
speculate. In fact, innkeepers, even extremely successful ones, aren't
necessarily very high up on the social food chain. Inns are associated with
travelers, shady business, sexual intrigue, political intrigue, and back
room deals. Innkeepers might be powerful but they aren't quite respectable.
And Bree is a daughter of marriageable age. Apparently she has a fiance. So
how is it that she has opportunities to sneak up to the roof to watch
dragons? Why is she doing mending -- I assumed, when the story began, that
she worked at the inn as a scullery maid or a laundress. How is it that she
goes running, barefoot, out into the streets after a dragon, without
thinking that she's spoiled her chances of a good marriage, that she's
ruined her reputation?
Think through your world, both the social customs and also the political
structure. Think about a prince who wants to see a dragon, but instead of
sending in a formal request or asking a dragon to come perform a service
(which dragons clearly do willingly), shoots one down out of the sky, and
then says to the dragon and its rider -- without any attempt at diplomacy --
"Reparation would be a good thing if we'd come away with anything, but as
you see we did not actually take any blood and your dragon hardly looks
wounded." This dialogue isn't just stilted. It seems meant to incur hostile
relations between this town and the dragon riders. Surely there's precedent
here: why don't Rada and Sjao say, okay, next time we'll let the town burn
down instead of fighting the fire. Or maybe next time we'll be the ones
setting the fire. After all, dragons and dragon riders can't afford _not_ to
make an example of a place where someone takes potshots at dragons in order
to use their blood to gain power. You need to do some work and explore, in a
realistic way, the actions that your characters take.
One last thing on story arc: at the moment, this is a story of a a girl who
longs to be closer to dragons. She gets to be closer to dragons, but there's
a price, which involves ingesting dragon blood and leaving her home behind.
This would be a much better story if the price were even a bit higher. There
should be a price -- not just to drinking the blood -- but also to leaving her
town behind. Brae has a fiance, but we never find out anything about him.
Why not give him a name, and have Brae be fond of him? Why not have him be a
fairly decent guy? She doesn't have to be in love with this fiance, but
you've done a bit of work at the end to suggest that perhaps Brae's
departure wounded him. Expand on this, just a little.
A few places where some minor cuts would improve the flow of your story:
"She'd been waiting for a forest fire all summer. Wrong of her, of course,
when lives could be lost, but nevertheless when the fire bell began to ring,
Brae set down the mending she'd been mangling and darted up the back stairs
to the empty slave's room with its hatch leading to the roof."
This is the beginning of the story, but it's not particularly tight, and the
insight into Brae's character is minor and not all that engaging. Begin with
something concrete, and with a character. Why not just:
"When the fire bell began to ring, Brae set down the mending she'd been
mangling and darted up the back stairs to the empty slave's room with its
hatch leading to the roof."
A bit later:
"From this distance, the riders were invisible, but their influence showed
in the direction of the creatures, two splitting off in each direction and
one flying forward of the closest point of wildfire. They raced in front of
the flames that possessed the forest and scorched stripes of land in which
the blaze could find no hold. One would loop down, past her vision, and then
another on its heels."
Cut most of this -- prose like "the flames that possessed the forest" is
off-putting. You want the focus to be on the dragons. So how about:
"From this distance, the riders were invisible. One dragon looped down, and
then another, forward of the closest point of wildfire, scorching stripes of
land in the fields that bordered the forest."
When Brae thinks of giving up her "girlish dreams" it's a bit confusing.
What were her girlish dreams?
Watch out for awkward phrases like "the dragon had completed its rage".
Another cut: "No time to ponder and decide what to do with such a gift, only
she had to protect it from these others." Pare this down: "No time to ponder
and decided what to do with such a gift." You don't need the rest after that
comma splice. Don't undercut Rae's action by making it seem noble and
selfless. Make her drink the blood because that's what her impulse tells her
she ought to do.
And when you tell us that Rada "let out an explosive sigh and slapped her
palms together decisively, one of the few signs of anger she expressed,"
first of all that last clause is clunky-sounding. Secondly, why is it one of
the few signs of anger she allows herself to express? Thirdly, why is she
shouting and kicking Sjao and calling him a fool just below? That seems more
angry than an explosive sigh and a palm-slap.
In the wonderful scene where the physician is attempting to bleed Brae,
things go badly. But telling us "everyone had run from the room" is a bit
hasty. Slow this down. Where do they go when they run? Do they scream?
What does it mean to be "dressed in more gold"?
A bit farther on, Brae remembers that she has been a thoughtful girl, but
"now she just laughed to herself because there was nothing to think about."
Even though the attempt to show the change in Bree is a good idea, that
phrase is terribly awkward. Brae sounds like a contemporary teenage girl
writing in her diary.
A wonderful exchange between Brae and Rada:
"I'm burning," Brae said.
"Yes, very beautifully," Rada said and Brae wept at the sound of her voice.
A few comments about the ending: first of all, "massive" is the wrong word
to describe someone's greed. Again, why does Brae think of a dragon as "a
beast"? That feels contemptuous. Why does Sahal, Brae's dragon, crawl over
to her? Don't these dragons have legs? And I'm not enthralled by the very
last paragraph:
"Brae touched the iron band she wore around her left wrist. It reminded her
of the bondage that was her freedom. So few found their heart, and, when it
came, were willing to go, leave everything, and bind themselves to a dream."
First of all, this is pretty self-congratulatory thinking on Brae's part.
And "the bondage that was her freedom" isn't as terrific as some of the
other writing in this story. There are a number of stronger endings,
including watching the king (doesn't he have a name?) touch Sahal, or
hearing Sahal say something to both of them, or even just ending as Sahal
and Brae fly off together. Good luck with this. Once you've sat down and
combed through this draft a few times, you might try Realms of Fantasy or
Black Gate.
--Kelly Link
Editor of TRAMPOLINE and co-editor of YEAR'S BEST FANTASY & HORROR
http://www.kellylink.net/
Editor's Choice, Horror:
"Eight Ball" by Julia J Reynolds
Eight Ball is Bobby's nickname for the 1978 Gremlin he buys to drive in the
demolition derby. The devil offers to help him win the derby, in exchange
for one mysterious thing. As Bobby works on the car, it seems almost to fix
itself. At the derby, he is one move away from winning when the devil
reappears in the car. Bobby rejects him and crashes his car, committing
suicide.
This story creates some truly eerie moments, as when Bobby suddenly finds
himself in the devil's car, riding down "a stripe of gray asphalt embedded
in utter blackness." Julia also does a nice job of controlling the flow
of information about Bobby and his past with women. We get a little hint of
the way he thinks of women when he fantasizes about them on p. 3, a much
stronger clue when he stares at the woman at the derby on p. 10, and then
this subplot climaxes with the revelation that he is a killer on p. 13. I
also love the economical way you convey the character of a competing driver
by describing his car: "A fringed Mexican mini-flag hung from the rear view
mirror and green and white child-sized hand prints decorated the side
panels." This is all it takes to make us worry deeply about the fate of
this driver.
The biggest weakness in the story is the plot. Often a plot can seem to be
working pretty well, and then we reach the climax, and we just don't feel
what the author intended us to feel. That was my reaction to this story.
The climax is really the test of the story's structure. Edgar Allan Poe
felt that the purpose of a story is to provide all the necessary elements
and information so that the climax carries a powerful emotional impact.
It's all about the climax. Here, the climax is Bobby's decision to kill
himself to escape the devil. When he crashes, you write, "the relief was
exquisite." Has the story set that up so it is a powerful, believable,
satisfying end? Let's look at what needs to be established: (1) Bobby
either wants to escape the devil or wants to avoid doing the bad things the
devil would have him do, (2) there is no way to avoid #1 short of death.
I don't believe either of these is established prior to the climax. We see
Bobby say no to the devil and walk away. The devil then leaves him alone
until the climax, so it doesn't seem like he's being harassed by the devil
or forced to do anything he doesn't want to do. In fact, the devil seems to
help him (with the car repairs) without any solid agreement between them
that would force Bobby to do anything in return. When Bobby fantasizes
about the woman at the derby right before the climax, we see that he hasn't
repented his old ways at all; he seems to be planning to approach her and
kill her at the first opportunity. So #1 is not established. Further,
since Bobby makes no attempt to sever ties with the devil, other than
walking away from him, #2 is not established. In fact, since the devil is
in charge of hell, killing himself just seems like it would put Bobby more
in his power.
To make this climax work, I think you need to stick with the second
alternative stated in #1 -- that Bobby wants to avoid doing the bad things the
devil would have him do, since that logic works better. Then you really
need to show it: we need to see his remorse over the murder he committed
years ago, and we need to see the constant temptations he is fighting in his
current life, and how the devil can make these temptations stronger, making
it nearly certain he will eventually succumb. We need to feel this hanging
over Bobby in order to feel his "relief" at the climax. To establish #2, I
think we either need to see Bobby trying several methods of severing ties
with the devil, or we need to understand that Bobby is too stupid to come up
with any methods but the most obvious. This story follows a long tradition
of man-versus-devil stories, and you need to take into account reader
expectations. Often in this type of story, the man outwits the devil. So I
think we either need to see Bobby attempt this and fail, or to know that
Bobby has no hope of being clever enough to outwit the devil.
Another way of solving the plot problem would be to change the climax to
something that fits more with the earlier part of the story, since there is
a disconnect between these two.
A couple more minor problems:
-- The devil is not scary enough, and he seems too much a "standard" devil.
I wish he were a little eerier and stranger, and I wish he felt more
distinct from other devils I've encountered in fiction. He also seems too
weak. If Bobby already "sold his soul" back when he committed murder, then
I don't know why the devil needs to keep appearing and asking for Bobby's
cooperation. Normally, the devil's goal is to secure a soul. He already
has Bobby's, so what is his goal here?
-- Several places that could be very strong are weakened because you tell
rather than show. For example, you describe the girl at the derby like
this: "She seemed to stand out from the rest of the people in her group, as
if she were in a spotlight." This is telling, because you are making a
judgment rather than conveying concrete sensory details. We need to see her
vividly and to feel Bobby's attraction to her; this is critical, and
critical elements should always be conveyed through showing. Another
example comes when you say that the "Olds seemed to move in slow motion" and
later that "Time sped up again." These are cliches and are telling. The
way to convey time slowing or speeding up (which can add a lot of power and
intensity to a story) is to show it happening. Slow motion can be conveyed
by describing a moment in great detail, so the time it takes the reader to
read about the moment is much greater than the time passing in the story.
Time speeding up can be conveyed by describing events very quickly in little
detail, often in long sentences with few pauses or commas, so the time it
takes the reader to read about the event is much less than the time the
event takes.
-- Early in the story, you establish that the devil wants "one thing" in
return for helping Bobby, but we never find out what the one thing is.
-- A horror story about a car immediately brings Stephen King's CHRISTINE and
FROM A BUICK 8 to mind. At first, I groaned to be reading what seemed to be
another horror story about an evil car. After a few pages, I became
involved in the story and it no longer bothered me (and the story isn't
about an evil car at all, though that's how it seems at the beginning).
When the car began to fix itself, that again raised echoes of CHRISTINE,
which were distracting. If you could make it clearer that Bobby is doing
the repair work but his hands are being guided, that would help reduce the
similarity.
I hope these comments are helpful, Julia. If you are able to master plot
structure and make your climax as powerful as some of your other elements,
you'll have a very strong story on your hands.
--Jeanne Cavelos
Editor of THE MANY FACES OF VAN HELSING
http://www.odysseyworkshop.org/
| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop recognizes members who
have given useful, insightful reviews. After all, that's what makes
the workshop go, so we want to give great reviewers a little
well-earned recognition!
If you got a really useful review and would like to add the reviewer
to the Reviewer Honor Roll, use our online honor-roll nomination form
-- log in and link to it from the bottom of the Reviewer Honor
Roll page at http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml.
Your nomination will appear on the first day of the next calendar
month.
The Honor Roll will show all February nominations beginning March 1.
Meanwhile, here are two advance highlights from this month:
Reviewer: Ann Leckie
Submission: "Bare Faced" - Part Two by Stephen Gaskell
Submitted by: Barbara Gordon
Nominator's Comments: "This isn't my story, I was just browsing
reviews. I have to say, this is a damn good review, on the line-crit
and story level both, and it would be a terrific aid to revision. I
was looking for under-reviewed selections, but there's nothing I could
usefully add to this review. It does all that it needs to."
Reviewer: James Lemacks
Submission: The Jesus Trip by Alice Spicer
Submitted by: Alice Spicer
Nominator's Comments: "In addition to pointing out what didn't work, he
offered some suggestions as to what would. Sometimes it is hard to
take criticism, but I found this review to be funny and uplifting. I
actually took the time to read all of his other reviews, too."
Reviewers nominated to the honor roll during January include: Andrew
Ahn, Aaron Brown, Kimberly Colley, Jeanette Cottrell, Linda Dicmanis,
B.K. Dunn, Shad Fagerland, Mike Farrell, Miquela Faure, cathy freeze,
Barbara Gordon (2), elizabeth hull, Patty Jansen, Kevin Kibelstis,
magda knight, Leonid Korogodski, Ann Leckie, Mel Mason, Lizzie Newell
(2), Jerry Robinette, and Calie Voorhis.
We congratulate them all for their excellent reviews. All nominations
received in December can be still found through February 28 at:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml
| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
We can't announce them if you don't let us know! So drop Charlie a
line at support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com whenever you have good
news to share.
OWW Member Sales and Publications:
Rae Carson follows up her first sale with another. Look for her short
story "Becoming" in _Abyss & Apex_ (http://www.abyssandapex.com). She
sends "Thx and hugs to Jaime V, Aaron B, Jodi M, Michael M, Martha K,
Heather M, Kevin K, Heidi K, PJ T, Jeremy Y, Aimee P, and Amanda D."
Deborah Coates's story "46 Directions, None of Them North" appears in
the March issue of _Asimov's_, which would be impressive enough by
itself. But she also sold "Chainsaw on Hand" to _Asimov's_, saying "I
got great feedback on this when it was first up on the workshop and
Chance was instrumental in helping me make the final changes that got
me the sale." AND on top of that, her story "Magic in a Certain Slant
of Light" is going to be in David Hartwell's YEAR'S BEST FANTASY.
What a strong start to the year for Aliette de Bodard! She sold her
story "A Warrior's Death" to _Shimmer_ for their Spring 2006 issue.
She sends "Many thanks to Linda and Ian, who reviewed its second draft
and helped me with the rewrite. (I've somehow lost the MS file with
the crits, so I can't remember who else took a look at it. My
heartfelt congrats to them as well!)" And then her story "Sea Child"
was a semifinalist in the Writers of the Future Contest. She confesses
that "The crits seem (yet) again to have been lost in the limbo of my
hard disk, but I distinctly remember Rochita's helpful comments.
Thanks to her and all the others!"
Amanda Downum's story "Wrack" appeared recently in _Strange Horzions_
(http://wwww.strangehorizons.com).
Congratulations, Mike! Mike Farrell's story "A Fly's Hero" made it to
the quarterfinals of the 4th Quarter 2005 Writer's of the Future
contest.
Charles James's story "23C" appears in the February issue of _Quantum
Muse_. "Although it hasn't specifically been submitted for critique
at the workshop," he tells us, "the feedback I've received on my work
in general has really pushed me a along as a writer." We love to hear
that!
Donna Johnson sold her fantasy short story "The Betrayer" to _The
Sword Review_. She says, "I'd like to thank Rayne, Teri and Kari and
other members of PA and OWW members Aliette, Brenta and Stephen for
their support and incredibly helpful crits!"
Vylar Kaftan informs us that her story "Through the Cooking Glass"
will appear in an upcoming issue of _Raven Electrick_. She added,
"I'd like to thank Kevin Miller, Randy Henderson, Stelios Touchtidis,
and Joseph Zelazny for taking the time to critique it."
On the right track: Matt Horgan's short story "Slipping" made the
quarterfinals of the Q4 2005 Writers of the Future contest. That's
twice in one year -- his story "Touch of Humanity" made it to the
quarterfinals the previous quarter.
Rochita Loenen-Ruiz's story "World in a Bubble" was published in the
February issue of _Reflection's Edge_ (http://www.reflectionsedge.com)
"'World in a Bubble' was one of the first pieces I workshopped," she
said. "Thanks to those who reviewed this piece. (It's a long list). I
found the feedback helpful and encouraging."
Michael Merriam's flash story "Callooh Callay" will appear in the
spring issue of _Worlds of Wonder_.
Wahoo! Darren Moore, writing as E. R. Alexander, placed 1st in this
year's N3F Short Story Contest with his story "Ballad of Kren." He
tells us the story was workshopped on OWW a few months back, and we
hope that made the difference.
Mark Ward's story "Cycle Thieves" has just been published by
_Futurismic_ (http://www.futurismic.com/fiction/). He confesses, "It
wasn't workshopped but what I've learned via OWW contributed hugely to
it. Thanks to all."
| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Number of members as of 2/19: 619 paying, 52 trial
Number of submissions currently online: 453
Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 76.38%
Percent of submissions with zero reviews: 3.75%
Average reviews per submission (all submissions): 5.02
Estimated average review word count (all submissions): 657.44
Number of submissions in January: 313
Number of reviews in January: 1388
Ratio of reviews/submissions in January: 4.43
Estimated average word count per review in January: 759.25
Number of submissions in February to date: 206
Number of reviews in February to date: 886
Ratio of reviews/submissions in February to date: 4.30
Estimated average word count per review in February to date: 754.19
Total number of under-reviewed submissions: 34 (7.3% of total subs)
Number over 3 days old with 0 reviews: 2
Number over 1 week old with under 2 reviews: 11
Number over 2 weeks old with under 3 reviews: 21
| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Got a helpful tip for your fellow members? A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission? Share it with us and we'll publish it in the next
newsletter. Just send it to support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com and
we'll do the rest.
Until next month -- just write!
The Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
| - - Copyright 2006 Online Writing Workshops - - - - - - - - - - - |
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