O | The Online Writing Workshop for SF, F & H Newsletter, March 2006
W | http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!
| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
- Workshop News:
April crit marathon
April writing challenge
Market information
Membership payment information
- Editors' Choices for February 2006 submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Tips & Feedback
| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
This month's Sales and Publication contains a new first... someone who
sold the German rights to her workshopped novel to a major publisher
before she sold the English version. Plus a three-book deal with
HarperCollins(!), another first--a podcast novel--another Writers of
Future finalist, another Year's Best, and more story sales than you
can shake a pencil at. Read it all below... including the true story
of a writer who made a sale because he read the OWW Hall of Fame.
We want to point out that for the last five months, submissions on the
workshop have received an average of over 5 reviews. This makes us very
happy! Congratulations to all reviewers...and thanks!
APRIL IS THE CRUELEST MONTH...
Or at least it's the month of the annual OWW Crit marathon, which
starts on Saturday! Everyone sign up or Jodi will make frowny faces
at you! Here's the official announcement.
The Fifth Annual April Crit Marathon! It is, of course, purely
voluntary.
The Crit Marathon will be three weeks, beginning on Saturday, April 1
and continuing through Friday, April 21. These are the same three
weeks as last year.
Not only is this the same time as last year, we're also starting the
Marathon right after a Writing Marathon ends! So you Writing
Marathoners, please post your stuff to the shop and get it
reviewed--and sign up for this Marathon, too! (It's nice to give back,
yanno?)
Here are the guidelines and stuff:
* The suggested Marathon goal is to write at least one substantive
crit and post it to the workshop every day of the Marathon.
* We like it when the under-reviewed subs list is _empty_, precious.
* Only crits posted to the OWW count. E-mailing crits offline is nice,
but they don't count.
* All crits must be substantive, meaning they must follow the OWW's
guidelines to count. You can find the guidelines here:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/howtoreview.shtml
* Each substantive crit posted will earn ONE marathon point. Marathon
points have no relationship to workshop crit points. They will not
earn you the ability to post, nor will first crits get extra marathon
points.
* The 'official' Marathon list will be updated using telltales from
the workshop. The 'official' date assigned to the crit will be
determined by the date/time signature on the telltale e-mail Jodi
receives. It may help you to know that Jodi lives in the US, in the
Eastern Time Zone (as does the workshop.)
* If you choose to participate, e-mail Jodi at unicornprincess (a)
gmail.com to be added to the list. E-mails sent to the mailing list
for this purpose might not be noticed.
APRIL WRITING CHALLENGE
Jodi, OWW Challenge Dictator, Unicorn Warlord, and general menace,
hands out the marshmallows and sticks. Someone light the fire! Don't
look over your shoulder, because it might be standing _right there_
and you don't want to jump and startle it. "It" being the April
Challenge!
*clicks on flashlight and holds it under her chin to make weird
shadows*
This month's challenge is: Ghost stories!
Remember: These are supposed to be fun, so take a chance and stretch
yourself. There's no word limit, no time limit, no nothin'. Just have
fun. :)
Please don't post your challenge pieces to the workshop until April
first. Include "April Challenge" in your title so you can show off
how fancy you are to all your friends.
For more details on the challenges, check the OWW Writer Space at
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/tiki/tiki-index.php?page=Challenges
or the Challenge home page at: http://www.thermeon.net/checkered/Challenge.html
MEMBERSHIP PAYMENT INFORMATION
How to pay: In the U.S., you can pay by PayPal or send us a check or
money order. Outside of the U.S., you can pay via PayPal (though
international memberships incur a small set-up fee); pay via Kagi
(www.kagi.com--easier for non-U.S. people); send us a check in U.S.
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and some post offices). If none of those options work for you, you
can send us U.S. dollars through the mail if you choose, or contact us
about barter if you have interesting goods to barter (not services).
Scholarship fund and gift memberships: you can give a gift membership
for another member; just send us a payment by whatever method you
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is anonymous or not. We will acknowledge receipt to you and the
member. Or you can donate to our scholarship fund, which we use to
fully or partially cover the costs of an initial paying membership for
certain active, review-contributing members whose situations do not
allow them to pay the full membership fee themselves.
Bonus payments: The workshop costs only 94 cents per week, but we know
that many members feel that it's worth much more to them. So here's
your chance to award us with a bonus on top of your membership fee.
For example, is the workshop worth five dollars a month to you? Award
us a $11 bonus along with your $49 membership fee. 25% of any bonus
payments we receive will go to our support staff, sort of like a tip
for good personal service. The rest will be tucked away to lengthen
the shoestring that is our budget and keep us running!
For more information:
Payments: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships.shtml
Bonus payments and information about our company:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/bonuspayments.shtml
Price comparisons:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships_comparison.shtml
| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Editors' Choices are chosen from the submissions from the previous
month that show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of
our Resident Editors. Submissions in four categories -- SF, F,
horror, and short stories -- receive a detailed review, meant to be
educational for others as well as the author.
Reviews are written by our Resident Editors, award-winning authors and
instructors Jeanne Cavelos, Karin Lowachee, and Kelly Link, and by
experienced science-fiction and fantasy editor Jenni Smith-Gaynor. The
last four months of Editors' Choices and their editorial reviews are
archived on the workshop. Go to the "Read, Rate, Review" page and
click on "Editors' Choices."
Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors!
Editor's Choice, Fantasy Chapter/Partial Chapter:
MADHAVAN, CH 1 by Simon Rhodes
The first chapter of MADHAVAN by Simon Rhodes is the introduction to a
quest novel. I recommend dropping the prologue and weaving that
information into this first chapter since the hook for this novel
isn't the shadowlady's curse, but the quest to find the sleeping mage,
Madhavan.
I liked the setup of this world and the comfortable quest plot, and
with more unique details and better character definition, I think this
opening could be much stronger. What makes a novel with familiar
structure feel fresh and new are the small details; magic wars, a
quest, and shadow magic isn't new, but how Rhodes unfolds his
character's plot arc within the overarching quest plot could make all
the difference.
Rhodes begins this chapter with a description of Zeryndin Hills, which
is an uninhabited area legends say were the grounds for the last mage
battle or the burial grounds for a dragon. Kellec, a seer, and a
cursed knight named Brompst are on their way to the Darklands to find
a warlock, a shadowlord, who might help them remove the curse. As with
most opening chapters, character and plot are introduced and the
reader must have enough information to remain interested enough to
continue reading. Rhodes has a lot of information and a rich world
begging to be described -- legends of knights saving the world, an
ancient war when mages ruled, and several different magic systems. Try
to focus on the significance of the chapter. Everything else in this
chapter should support this key point. (You might work backwards from
the ending to find that key point.) Streamline the opening paragraphs
and simplify the description of place -- do the readers really need to
know the legends of Zeryndin Hills if Kellec and Brompst, the main
characters, are headed into the Darklands? I'd move the Zeryndin Hills
exposition to a different chapter.
The quest to remove Brompst's curse feels like the backbone of the
whole novel. Brompst is a Neyrian Knight, who are legendary protectors
of the land. The quest's tension and suspense comes from the impending
invasion by an army from Valasur, who is at war with its traitorous
mage, Yahomet. Yahomet believes himself to be the only living mage of
consequence and has set his sights on the Neyrian kingdoms. Brompst,
as a Neyrian Knight could be the savior of his people. The curse came
from a warlock, so Kellec and Brompst travel to the Darklands to find
a warlock who might help them.
Kellec is connvincing both the warlock and the reader to accept the
possibility that this quest will be the WORLD SAVING event he has
forseen. Once we understand the importance of Kellec being a Nisiri
seer, his colors on his robe (thereby telling the reader how powerful
or competent he is at his talent), this quest takes on a much larger
and bigger impact. Right now, the quest is buried beneath
world-building exposition that is pulling the focus away from this
chapter's hook. I need clarification of Kellec's abilities, how and
why he's with Brompst, and clarification of the Neyrian knights.
Instead of using extraneous backstory to hook the reader, use the
forefront action -- there's enough already in this chapter to setup
the rest of the plot, introduce the world, and create an inviting hook
that will have readers turning the page.
Kellec and Brompst find a warlock and tell him of their plight, of the
pending invasion. The warlock is dubious.
"And why should you be believed?" The warlock asked at last. The
warlock's question reminded Kellec of Guran's Gamble, an argument
of faith he had learned as a student in the Nisiri temples.
"Consider this," Kellec said. "You have little to lose if you
help me and I am wrong. But, you have all to lose if you do not
help me and I am right."
The growing tension has just been deflated. If Kellec can't convince
the warlock his quest is dire, why should the reader believe the quest
is dire? Like with all the other quest-based epic fantasies, the
reader must be convinced within the boundaries of the author's
universe that the quest has extreme significance to the characters and
their world. "Guran's Gamble" is not a convincing argument and fails
to convince me that Kellec should be believed. Not knowing enough
about the warlock (is he gullible, a lackwit, so arrogant he's easily
fooled, etc.), this falls flat.
There are several magic systems introduced in this first chapter --
shadowlords can manipulate shadows, seers have prophecies, and mage
magic (which, from what little I've been told, seems to be elemental
("...a mage who for a brief time turned the earth to water to bury his
foes")). For the full impact of the quest and the need for the
warlock's help, I'd like a little more explanation of the magics at
work. Clarify Kellec's abilities; clarify the magics used by the
warlocks and the mages. Tie this all together by creating character
sympathy --make the reader want to find out what happens to Kellec and
Brompst by using emotional significance. Right now, the magics, the
characters, and the world all feel like they're on parallel tracks
--nice information but not interwoven as tightly as they could be.
Towards the end of this chapter, the significance of the sleeping
mage, Madhavan, is muted by the infodump of the mad mage and Yahomet.
Are the warlocks to be trusted? Because I'm unsure how Kellec really
feels about the shadowlords -- he seeks them out as an aid to his
plight, but how does he feel about it? I'm not really sure whether or
not they are to be believed. This is a great opportunity to show the
reader how the world (via Kellec) feels about the shadowlords or how
Kellec (individual) feels about them. Use these emotional ties to
guide the reader into the universe -- in a way, it's a manipulation.
You, the writer, can get a reaction out of the reader by guiding them
with one hand all the while showing them something overhead. They
can't see their feet, and by the time they realize where you've led
them, all roads lead to the conclusion. Pare down the extraneous bits
and save it for another scene. Really tighten the focus and you'll
have a chapter with more impact.
Rhodes has set up a very accessible read, a quest novel with dark
magics and a wide universe ripe with epic potential. Like many first
chapters, this is chock full of information, but some of it is
extraneous and could be woven into later chapters to better support
later scenes. This chapter needs some tighter focus to hook the reader
-- use the highlights to push the reader forward. Make the reader feel
something about the characters by connecting the characters to each
other and their plot. Emotional hooks for this kind of story can help
propel the plot and pull the reader along. Stay focused on the rhythm
of tension and don't deflate it too soon or else you'll lose the
reader's attention. Keep up the good work and I'm sure the revised
manuscript will be a hearty read.
--Jenni Smith-Gaynor
Former editor, Del Rey Books
Editor's Choice, SF Chapter/Partial Chapter:
MASON'S ORDER: CHAPTER ONE by Gordon Gross
This chapter is a great example of a really sound skeletal aspect of a
book that needs added meat or musculature to push it over into
something extraordinary. From the get-go the story intrigued me, as
well-written as it is on a sentence level: the voice, the world, the
dialogue and interactions. But there just needs to be MORE of it all.
More description of this new world and how it works, more interiors,
more elaboration of surroundings, more characterization. It doesn't
mean the author needs to toss in filler for the sake of giving words;
but if pointed, directed details are used, it would serve well to
flesh out what is already a great concept and character. The times
when the details were integrated were absolute gems, and the skill in
which the author is able to include important details without
awkwardness or infodump is to be commended.
Mason's voice works. It is difficult to write a detective story and
not fall into some kind of cliched "been there done that" distancing
tone, but it's well balanced with his wryness, rebellion, and
experience. For a novel in first person, it's important that the voice
of the protagonist is balanced and likeable enough to carry a reader
through. From the first sentence, which draws the reader in, the
details about how Mason sees his world and navigates in it all ring
true -- from the fact that his bed is his sanctuary so he won't answer
the phone in it to the casual but familiar way that he deals with
Chris, and all the pressures or stresses of the world that impact his
Gift. The simple act of riding in the backseat of a police cruiser is
unpleasant and is the perfect image to encapsulate what he has to deal
with on a daily basis; it also works really well that this detail is
tied into the end of the chapter, wrapping it all up nicely.
The first few paragraphs cover details of his surroundings, the bed
blanket, the lamp, etc, and we see that he doesn't merely look at
these items, but feels them and their memories. It's a perfect way to
introduce a reader to how he interacts with his Gift. Here is someone
that's been living with it for years and years, so we would expect a
familiarity with it, but at the same time the author has to introduce
readers who are not familiar with it. This is a difficult thing to
execute and the author balances it well.
The story gets going with the phone call, which is good, because what
follows is a wonderful example of "showing" as opposed to "telling." I
don't believe this is a hard and fast rule (sometimes "telling," if
it's done in the right way, can be very effective), but here we glean
information about the world while the action is going on -- Mason
arriving at the crime scene, interacting with the detectives, and then
examining the scene. Still, as mentioned above, these descriptions,
while pointed, seem too breezy or spare to sink your teeth into. If I
wasn't a fan of detective shows like Law & Order or CSI, I would've
been left blank as to what the people and the places look like, or the
vibe that they have. It's fortunate that TV and movies can fill in a
lot of the blanks when it comes to police procedure and such, but a
writer shouldn't rely on this because the point is to make your story
unique and individual, to bring out characteristics of YOUR detective
world that will separate it from what everyone knows. This will
elevate the prose from "good but a little bland" to "striking and
involving." For example:
Levering my legs out of bed, I tossed the handmade sheets aside. I
never answer the phone in bed. That bed is my sanctuary from the
cacophony of Life; bringing the world's hate and fear and death
into it would be both sacrilege and stupidity.
I rocked the phone from its cradle, muting the hundred different
remembrances left impressioned on it with the ease of 3 decades
practice, and grunted into the receiver.
So where does he actually take the call? The writer doesn't want to
get bogged in describing every tile and crack in the wall at this
point, but description of his apartment can provide atmosphere and
tone for the book that will do much to add that "musculature" to the
world and the story.
The dialogue is wonderful -- very natural and clipped, and it gets the
plot moving. But combine it with character action and it will provide
a bigger punch, not only for the setting but to help round out the
character as well. Does he pace, is he rubbing his eyes because he
just awoke from sleep, is he going to the window to look out at his
neighborhood or the city? Mood is practically a co-protagonist in
detective novels; have fun with it and exploit it to serve the story
and character (think of "BladeRunner" and what a different movie it
would be if the cinematography were different or just nonexistent).
Any genre of book would be well-served to enchance the tone and mood
through apt description of the surroundings.
When Mason gets images, the italicized mish-mash of words works well
to evoke the fast-cut imagery that he must experience. I would
suggest, however, to either keep it italicized and lose the brackets,
or just bracket it but remove the italics. Using both is a little
distracting on the page. If you want to include the sudden imagery
inbetween sentences then just italics might work best. I was also a
little confused as to why some phrases would be bracketed and some
wouldn't. Because this is an aspect of the character that is essential
and going to be used frequently in the book, having clear rules on how
they are integrated into the prose would be best.
Here is another example of a scene that could use some bolstering:
Bentel was most of the way across the main floor by now, picking
his way over chair kindling and other various debris while the
crime sceners took their pictures and their measurements.
We've all seen CSI or something, but the scene could be fleshed out.
As a PI he would be more than cursorily paying attention to things.
Taking a little more time in new settings, even if it's just three
more sentences, can do well to add to the mood or the ambience of a
scene or the book as a whole. Go through the chapter and mark where
you think a camera would pause a little longer on an image so it
embeds in the viewer's mind. This is usually a good rule of thumb to
know when to be a little more explicit with description. Does Mason
recognize any of the CSIs? He doesn't have to be engaged in a
conversation but even a quick recognition could add to the idea that
he has worked with Chris before and this department. It would also
serve to highlight even more that Bentel is somewhat of an interloper
here.
The description of the dead woman with her entrails all out was just
gruesomely terrific. If you're going to deal with serial killers, no
sense in glossing things so readers feel blase about it. It is truly
terrible what happened to her and it is strongly felt and adds to the
distaste and conflict Mason must go through every time he has a job to
do like this. The reader doesn't envy him, but sure can feel
compassion for. What he bristles about as pity, from Chris, we as the
reader know it's actually compassion -- something very human and
natural (and makes us like Chris, come to think of it). The contrast
between these three characters -- Mason, Chris, and Bental -- works
very well. Their personalities are strong and the interaction is
interesting. The dialogue pertains to the work without being throwaway
in any degree, yet gives us hooks to their personalities that will be
further explored throughout the novel (presumably). I absolutely loved
the verbal sparring between Bental and Mason at the end of the
chapter. It would be easy to make Bental into some kind of buffoon,
but then the reader would wonder how he survived 12 years in the
force. It's obvious he's not stupid, just prejudiced, and Mason is
right but not obnoxious and high-handed. Perfect balance.
Telling details such as these are also fantastic:
The great state of Massachusetts passed a law a while back
allowing its cities to choose whether or not to use "psychos" in
city jobs, especially law enforcement. Seems the pope had issued
an edict using lots of capital letters, stating that Gifts were a
device of Satan to divert Man from the Church, and apparently the
Irish-Catholics of Boston made their wishes felt.
Here we get Mason's tone, disdain, and also world details that are
necessary to understand this different future. It was seamlessly
interjected in his thoughts without feeling like a huge speedbump. The
prose is peppered with "interruptions" of information like this but
they work because they aren't mulled over to a great extent.
The fact Mason needs to rest after that encounter is also a great
detail, because it makes him human and shows that there are some
"limitations" or at least consequences to his Gift. I would look to
see this developed further. In much the same way, mentioning Shifters
but not meeting any in this chapter is a great tool for suspense.
Interest is peaked but the reader is going to have to wait until
Chapter 2 (or 3?) before we see any or learn more about how they
interact. The blend of the supernatural and the real-world works
really well in this chapter and if it were in book format I would turn
the page.
--Karin Lowachee
Author of BURNDIVE and CAGEBIRD
http://www.karinlowachee.com
Editor's Choice, Short Story: "Saint Cromanier" by Katrina Kidder
This longish, rather baroque novelette about the desire for revenge, and the
price that must be paid for one's heart's desire, is something of a glorious
mess. Let me try to sum up all of the elements, just so we can get a better
look at what's working, what's not, what the writer ought to build on, and
what the writer might as well discard. For one thing, this ought to serve as
a sort of precis for the writer, so that she can get a better sense of a
vast heap of background material which seems, in places, to have swallowed
up the actual story. You can only get so much done in 13,000 words. Possibly
this ought to be a novel. Or even a trilogy. But let's approach it first as it
currently stands.
So: Cromanier, our main character, is the current president of a university
something along the lines of Terry Pratchett's Discworld university. Magic
can be taught here, and much magical research is underway. Cromanier is
powerful, but has been expending much of his political capital to protect
Furbelowe, a mostly-ignored faculty member who is working on a project that
will bring back the dead, and who is the sole denizen of a vast and coveted
basement domain. (The university, for reasons which aren't quite clear
enough, is running out of space for its faculty. It also isn't quite clear
why no one is interested in Furbelowe's research except for Cromanier.
Bringing back the dead seems like a fairly high-interest project.)
Cromanier's greatest desire is for Furbelowe's research to succeed so that
he can bring back his father from the dead in order to undo his father's
curse which has rendered Cromanier hideous, corpulent, and doomed to eternal
torment after death. Cromanier also blames his father for his unkind
treatment of Cromanier's mother. Let's stop for a minute and look at this
aspect of the story -- do we get enough of a sense of Cromanier's
relationship with his father? No, not really. So we're not really all that
invested in Cromanier's desire for revenge. And frankly the curse that his
father has laid upon Cromanier doesn't make that much sense. What did his
father gain from it? Because, as we discover at the end of the story, magic
is all about balance -- to use magic for personal gain is to cause suffering
for someone else.
What we do find out about Cromanier's past is that he has fought in the wars
and done many terrible things. This is a good detail, especially since the
wars have had an impact on the Cromanier's university: veterans of the wars
are allowed to attend and to learn something of magic. It would be nice,
actually, to know more about the veterans who may or may not be students
(again, this is unclear in the story, whether the university has actually
opened its doors and what the results have been), and whether Cromanier
feels sympathetically towards them. Despite the fact that the bulk of the
story takes place at the university, we don't really get much sense of what
life at this university is like. There ought to be student demonstrations,
some description of courses, etc. As far as the faculty politicking goes, it
could be a lot livelier -- as in Richard Russo's fabulously funny novel
STRAIGHT MAN, you can work in the most unbelievably petty acts of revenge
and melodrama.
Furbelowe's research is very close to being completed. However, another
figure, a woman who lives in a mausoleum in a nearby graveyard where the
hopeless poor have set up their homes, is on the same track. Cromanier, for
reasons which feel somewhat manufactured, becomes obsessed with this woman.
The faculty plot to evict and eviscerate both Furbelowe and Cromanier, while
Furbelowe becomes enraged that someone may complete the great work which he
has labored over for so long. He gives Cromanier more information about the
mysterious woman, and when Cromanier goes to investigate this woman, Ana, he
discovers that she has in fact brought her beloved husband back from the
dead at some great cost. She and her mysteriously mute, once-more-living
husband, Gilberto, when Cromanier locates them, are distributing bread to
the poor who have crowded around them. Why? We discover, at the end of the
story, that the price of bringing back the dead is suffering and misfortune
for others. Ana has distributed small proportions of misery to a general
population, in order to sustain her own life, and the life of her husband.
This is a very oddly blocked scene. Cromanier is there with his gargoyles,
Ana and Gilberto are using magic to conjure up bread, and there are
apparently masses of poor people, although we never get a really good sense
of them in the scene. They don't have any weight. They're merely there as a
kind of backdrop to demonstrate misery and redemption. (The poor are always
with us.) Even the gargoyles, from scene to scene, feel underutilized.
They're gargoyles on the mantelpiece, so to speak. They growl a lot, and are
apparently also carrying weapons. But they never do anything more dramatic
than gnaw a bit on Furbelowe, the way a pit bull might take a bite out of
someone.
Meanwhile, as Cromanier talks with Ana about revenge and bringing the dead
back to life, Furbelowe has destroyed Cromanier's father's bones, in a rage
with Cromanier. He is unhappy that Cromanier has sought out Ana and not
stopped her research. He also speaks for a bit about his own father, and how
he would have liked to bring him back for love. Because we aren't really
invested Also meanwhile, events at the university have come to a boiling
point, and Cromanier has been deposed. Ana and her husband flee. Cromanier
also flees, and then comes back to the cemetery where, like Ana, he looks
after the poor. Ana, in a letter, has explained that she knows that causing
other people misery, so that she and her husband can be together, is wrong,
but on the other hand, Gilberto is such a nice guy that he makes everyone
feel good just by existing. It's kind of an icky argument, but it would
probably have more weight if when Cromanier saw Gilberto, he hadn't come
across as a mime who's sustained some kind of traumatic brain injury.
Now I'm probably sounding as if I didn't really like this story, but I did.
I liked the fact that it's a story of redemption. I like the fact that
Cromanier, as the title has implied, is trying to make up for the terrible
things which he may have done in the war. All of the backstory is pretty
fascinating, and I'm also a sucker for magical university stories, as well
as for stories in which people live in necropolises. (Necropoli?) Cromanier
and Ana are interesting and complex characters, and possibly Furbelowe and
Gilberto would be interesting characters as well, if they were a bit more
sketched in. It also feels like a bit of a cheat that Cromanier has more or
less escaped the university by the point that the faculty are howling for
his blood. Perhaps the ending could hint at how the university has resolved
their difficulties? Is Cromanier teaching the poor as well as feeding them,
at the end? Teach a man to fish, etc.
But in order to make the story work, there are certain things that I would
recommend cutting or toning down. First of all, we're constantly being told
that Cromanier can sense heartbeats -- there are almost always details about
what someone's heart is doing. Cut all this out. It makes the narrative
draggy, the writing stumbles in these descriptions, and there's no payoff.
I'd consider cutting the gargoyles as well, or at least making them more
complicated, and managing the level of description a bit better. Right now
they feel more like fashion accessories than something magical, and although
in theory I like the idea of gargoyles as fashion accessories, right now
they just slow things down.
What really, really does work: the description of Furbelowe's annual
lectures, to which no one comes. And the description of how Cromanier can
use air to cloak himself in darkness. This passage is lovely:
"Did I say that no one came? I meant no one else. For years, I hid
in the rafters or behind a wall. It became easier once he decided
that there was no sense in wasting good tallow and dispensed with
the illumination of the lecture hall. I cannot alter my shape but
I can cloak it if the air around me holds the means. Then I
wrapped the darkness around me, and as long as I did not sneeze or
speak, I could sit comfortably in a rear seat and gather the
dribbles of his slow, laborious progress."
Make sure that the reader understands more about how magic works in this
story. "The Law of the Conservation of Felicity" is a terrific law, but it's
introduced far too late. Ana's revelation at the end, that the resurrection
of the dead has a price, feels fairly elementary, especially since there's
already a law that states this. The only thing I'm surprised by, is that no
one else has figured that out the resurrection of the dead will be costly,
in a world where there's a university where magic is taught and magical
research has been going on for quite some time. (Which areas of magic are
the trendiest in research terms, by the way? We ought to get a sense that
all of the faculty have their pet projects.) The idea that someone can
_choose_ not only the victims who will pay that price, but how much of that
price their victims will pay, feels wobbly. And surely Furbelowe won't give
up his research, especially now that he's discovered that Ana has no desire
to claim credit for it. None of this is working, and frankly I'm not sure
how to make it right. (Possibly you need to give up on making your
characters sympathetic. I'd like Cromanier better, actually, if he seemed
more ruthless. Ana and Furbelowe as well.)
What _does_ feels right is not the revelation that magic has a price, which
is central to all good fantasy, but rather Cromanier's inability to take his
revenge, and his redemption. Work on the magic. Even the piece of magic that
we learn the most about, "masking", in which people alter their appearances,
is confusing.
Regarding style, I'll only say that a little tortured (elevated) prose goes
a long way. I'd read this story out loud all the way through, thinking about
how to tone down the prose. For example, the sentences below:
"Anger flared up within me fierce enough to drive back the frigid
gusts that rippled my robe. It was not a lachrymose sentiment for
an easily replaced vermin, or not only this, but a distemper for
all the world and everything in it. A bitter rage that was
becoming the base chord of all my thoughts, and second only to
that which drove me to rise from my mother's deathbed and walk out
of my father's house, vowing never to return, except to kill him.
A rage perhaps against the very existence of existence."
There are extremely nice bits of writing in here -- "a distemper for all the
world and everything in it" and "A rage perhaps against the very existence
of existence." But the bulk of that paragraph is nails on a chalkboard. I
appreciate what you're trying to do. In the dialogue, it mostly works. But
overall, the effect is uneven and tangled and prickly.
Good luck with this. This is well worth pursuing. There's a level of
invention and liveliness to this material that really sets it apart from
even most of the work that I read. You've taken interesting chances, and
begun to sketch in not just one story, but an entire world which I would
love to see explored further. And because I haven't come out and said it
plainly yet, you have enough good material here to make up at least one big
fat fantasy novel. Learn to love revision if you don't already, because my
guess is that as you revise, you'll be able to expand on this material
infinitely.
--Kelly Link
Editor of TRAMPOLINE and co-editor of YEAR'S BEST FANTASY & HORROR
http://www.kellylink.net/
Editor's Choice, Horror:
"Consumption" (Part 1 of 2) by Brian Hollis
"Consumption" is the title of a strange art book given to artist Will
Baum by a mysterious vagrant in the subway. All the paintings
reproduced in it are famous, except the last. As he studies it in
fascination, another unknown picture appears in the book, and another,
leading him on a journey of discovery.
This story has some nice description, using multiple senses to make us
feel as if we are there with the characters. Some strong suspense is
created with the introduction of the book, which raises many plot
questions in our heads: Where did it come from? What is the
significance of the paintings and their order? Who painted the
unknown picture? What do the new images mean? We want to keep
reading to find the answers to these questions. The main character
has an interesting past -- his daughter has died and his wife has left
him -- and we want to know whether or not this book will destroy him.
While I feel that you have strong writing skills, I don't feel you
quite know what you want this story to be. It lacks unity, which I
feel is the highest quality to which every story should aspire (and
the most difficult to achieve). It is also a quality many stories by
developing writers lack. When I read applications for the Odyssey
Writing Workshop, this is the most common weakness I encounter, and it
expresses itself most often as a disconnect between the
climax/denouement and the earlier part of the story. The cause of the
disconnect is usually an unbelievable change in the main character.
As short story writers, we're told that the main character should
change at the climax. Yet creating a believable change is very
difficult.
The beginning and middle of this story feel like a story about
obsession. Will becomes obsessed by the book. He dreams about the
last painting, he studies it, he even goes to his soon-to-be ex-wife
to try to make sense of it. It seems as if it will draw him to a dark
inner place where he will be forced to face the unpleasant truths he's
been avoiding through alcohol. Yet instead of an internal journey, he
takes an external one. Rather than revealing some mystical higher
truth, the book reveals clues to a crime. The earlier paintings in
the book become irrelevant, as does Will's profession as an artist --
the clues could really be followed by anyone. While the crime Will
uncovers is a dark one and could potentially lead him to despair, it
somehow makes him come to terms with his daughter's death, cures his
alcoholism, and solves his painter's block.
This change in the character, which occurs in the climax and
denouement, is not believable and not satisfying. It's not believable
because it's too good to be true, and you haven't shown us how these
circumstances (Will discovering a dead boy and killing the boy's
murderer) could create this change in Will. It seems more like Will
would despair at not reaching the boy in time, at failing to save the
boy as he failed to save his daughter. The ending is not satisfying
because it doesn't seem to fit with what's come before. I feel like
you wanted to end the story in this particular way, so you forced it,
even though the rest of the story called for a darker, different
ending. As is, this feels like the pilot for a TV series, where Will
becomes a crime fighter following the paintings in the book each week.
This just doesn't feel like the direction the story was going in.
The first half is an obsession story; the second half is a
coming-of-age/discovery-of-power story. Combining these is certainly
possible, but they need to be thoroughly intertwined, and instead they
feel cut and pasted together. The ending also leaves me with many
questions unanswered. Why did the vagrant judge Will to be the
perfect crime fighter? Why does a book show random famous paintings
and then have pictures appear in it with clues to crimes? What person
or force is creating these pictures and placing them in the book? Why
do the clues come in the form of fine art? I don't need answers and
explanations for everything, but I need to believe, and when I get to
the end of the story and think back over it, the elements don't hang
together in a way that convinces me. If I believed the change in
Will, I would probably accept everything else, but right now, I don't.
I realize that I'm not giving you concrete suggestions. The best way
to increase unity is to consider your themes. I like to state themes
as complete sentences. This forces them to be complete ideas, not
just subjects. For example, a possible theme is this: An encounter
with evil can shock even the most lost person back to reality.
Another is this: The world is filled with random horrors and death
and it's impossible to stop them. Obviously the first theme will
generate a very different story than the second theme. A story can
have many themes, but if you can state your predominant theme clearly
in a single sentence, then it can help guide your decisions as you
write and lead to a more unified story. Every element in the story
should be chosen with an eye toward theme. You may not know your
theme until after you've written a draft or two -- most writers don't
-- but when you figure it out, then you should reevaluate the story
and make adjustments so that everything will work together.
Creating a strong relationship between the beginning and the end can
also help increase unity. As we write, a story changes with each
sentence, each word. It evolves, twists, grows. As writers, we need
to pay attention to that growth. We need to constantly reevaluate
what we're writing. In what ways has it changed from our original
vision? What are the implications of those changes? What other
elements need to be adjusted to compensate for those changes? Do the
climax and denouement need to be changed? Often, they do, yet we may
try to force our original ideas into a story that has become something
else.
If we don't like the way the story is changing, where did we go wrong?
We need to identify that spot, go back, and get ourselves back on
course. If you know how you want your story to end, then you need to
figure out the appropriate beginning and middle to get you to that
ending. The beginning may raise a question, and the end may answer
the question. That helps create unity. The story may begin with a
certain situation, and end with a situation that is the opposite or
mirror image of the initial situation. For example, your story could
start with Will refusing to answer the phone when he knows the person
calling is the woman who accidentally killed his daughter. The story
could end with Will picking up the phone. These techniques don't
guarantee unity, but they can help. Focusing on theme, I believe, is
the most important and most helpful.
I like your writing style, and the story has some good emotion and
some vivid images. I hope these comments are helpful.
--Jeanne Cavelos
Editor of THE MANY FACES OF VAN HELSING
http://www.odysseyworkshop.org/
| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop recognizes members who
have given useful, insightful reviews. After all, that's what makes
the workshop go, so we want to give great reviewers a little
well-earned recognition!
If you got a really useful review and would like to add the reviewer
to the Reviewer Honor Roll, use our online honor-roll nomination form
-- log in and link to it from the bottom of the Reviewer Honor
Roll page at http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml.
Your nomination will appear on the first day of the next calendar
month.
The Honor Roll will show all March nominations beginning April 1
--no joke! Meanwhile, here are two advance highlights from this month:
Reviewer: Matthew Herreshoff
Submission: A Hole in the Wall by Fiona MacDonald
Submitted by: Fiona MacDonald
Nominator's Comments: Matthew gave me lots of cool ideas on how to
resolve the ending of the piece, which is where I'd been going wrong
before, and pointed out the strong points from earlier in the story
which were missing here.
Reviewer: Erin Kissane
Submission: Talking Cats and Other Strange Beliefs of Vera Baumbach
by Randy Henderson
Submitted by: Randy Henderson
Nominator's Comments: The review was positive in tone throughout; it
covered the entire story beginning to end; it suggested a good general
area on which to improve my writing overall, and specific examples to
back up that advice; every suggestion was useful and contributed to a
better, sharper story.
Reviewers nominated to the honor roll during February include: Greg
Byrne (2), Ray Capps, Margaret Fisk, Christopher Fox, Bonnie Freeman,
Lindsay Kitson, Ann Leckie, James Lemacks, Sharon Lee McGaw, Sandra
Panicucci, Jeffrey Stanley, Calie Voorhis (2), Raymond Walshe.
We congratulate them all for their excellent reviews. All nominations
received in February can be still found through March 31 at:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml
| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
We can't announce them if you don't let us know! So drop Charlie a
line at support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com whenever you have good
news to share.
OWW Member Sales and Publications:
In the "It doesn't get any better than this" department: Melissa Marr
Alsgaard writes to tell us, "I haven't been active for a while, but I
wanted to share my news because the short story I had in the workshop
last year ("The Sleeping Girl") evolved into a YA novel, and, well, I
just sold it to HarperCollins as the first novel in a three-book
significant deal. So I wondered if you could post my thanks to the
folks who reviewed that story, especially Michael Keyton and Randy
Simpson, and say extra thanks to Randy who read and offered feedback
on the whole novel." Yes, we can do that. Thanks Michael, and extra
thanks, Randy! And big congratulations, Melissa!
"In the Eyes of the Empress's Cat" by Brad Beaulieu appears in the
latest issue of _Intergalactic Medicine Show_.
Leah Bobet, one of our favorite Canuckstanian writers, had her story
"Towers" published recently in _Strange Horizons_
(http://www.strangehorizons.com).
Marlissa Campbell's horror short story "Promise Them Aught" sold to
_Apex Digest_. She says this is "another one which benefited greatly
from having been reviewed on the workshop!"
"The Triad's Gift" by Aliette de Bodard is in the Feb. issue of _Deep
Magic_ (http://www.deep-magic.net).
Amanda Downum informs us that "_Strange Horzions_
(http://wwww.strangehorizons.com) is buying 'Flotsam! This is the
third workshopped story I've sold to them. Many thanks to Elizabeth
Bear and Rae Carson for their crits." Before "Flotsam," it was
"Dogtown," barely a month ago. ("Wrack" appeared there recently too --
note to Amanda: keep sending SH stories with one word titles.) About
"Dogtown," she said, "I got many helpful crits on this one, but
unfortunately don't have a list anymore. So if you reviewed it,
thanks!" We also hear that her flash piece "Gingerbread & Time" will
appear in _Cabinet des Fees_.
To boldly go where nOWW man has gone before. Christiana Ellis posted a
few months ago about her role in writing "A Podcast Christmas Carol."
(http://apodcastchristmascarol.org) "Well," she says, "I was so
inspired by that project that I've put together an audio-book of my
novel NINA KIMBERLY THE MERCILESS which was workshopped here a couple
years back. Now it's been accepted by Podiobooks.com
(http://www.podiobooks.com), which has thousands of active users."
Casey Fiesler writes: "I actually workshopped a story on OWW back in
September (called 'The Turing Duck'), and got some excellent feedback
and very constructive comments that helped my rewrite. However, I had
just finished grad school and was unemployed at the time, so I had to
let my membership lapse. :( Anyway, that very story ended up as a
finalist in the 4th quarter 2005 of Writers of the Future. When I
found that out right around the time I became gainfully employed, I
figured it was karma and renewed my OWW membership. So I'm back!"
Congrats!
Christine Hall e-mailed us to say that she's sold "five (yes, five)
short stories in the past three months. The two latest are the ghost
story 'Take Me To St Roch's' (to _Nocturnal Ooze_) and 'The Bridge
Chamber' to the print anthology READ BY DAWN: BEST OF CONTEMPORARY
HORROR. Both have been workshopped. I'm grateful to everyone who
helped me with critiques. The list of names would be several
paragraphs long, so I'll mention only Donna Johnson, John Hoddy, Teri
Foster and Douglas Kolacki who rallied to help with last-minute
changes requested by the editor." For those looking for the stories,
they're published under her pen name, Rayne Hall.
Diana Cacy Hawkins's poem "Tulip Fairies" will appear in the July 2006
issue of _Beyond Centauri_. She tells us that "Ron Leming created a
graphic picture for the poem, and they were both accepted together."
Kevin Paul Jones' story "Curiosity" appears in the March 2006 issue of
_The Harrow_.
Anna Kashina sold her novel IVAN-AND-MARYA to German publisher
Deutscher Taschenbuch Verlag, for release in 2007. She says, "This is
my first real professional book sale! Wooo-hooo!!! I am still working
on getting an English-language publisher (or agent), but so excited to
have my novel come out in real print! I wanted to acknowledge the
past and present OWW memers whose reviews helped so much in shaping my
novel into its current form (and for helping me to keep going, no
matter what): Rhonda Garcia, Siobhan Carroll, Mike Blumer, John
Borneman, Larry West, Samia Lewis, Rebecca Willman, Derek Molata,
Marlin Seigman, Villy Ellinger, Bridget Collins, Leonid Korogodski,
Clover Autrey, Erin Boyd, Ilona Gordon, Stan Sciortino. And, of
course, to the great OWW support :)! I would never have been able to
do this on my own!" The sale came about as a result of a story she
had published in a German anthology last year, which goes to show the
positive side effects of international publication. Congratulations,
Anna!
Lindsey Kitson's story "Two Foxes" has won first place in the Keycon
short story contest, and is being published in a fundraiser chapbook.
She tells us that "the cover artist chose a scene from my story to do
the cover art, and it's possible the title of the compilation (of the
first, second, third and fourth place winning stories) may even be
'Two Foxes and other tales.'"
Dena Landon's novel SHAPESHIFTER'S QUEST was named to the New York
Public Library's 77th Edition of Books for the Teen Age. Woo!
Rochita Loenen-Ruiz reports that her story story "Dark Angel, Benigno"
has been selected as one of the stories that will be appearing in a
best of 2005 anthology from Double-Edged Publishing. Meanwhile, her
short story "Children of the Falling Stars" is up on _Dragons, Knights
and Angels_ magazine
(http://www.dkamagazine.com/Published/64_ChildrenFallingStar/64_ChildrenFallingStar.html).
Peter Mackey informs us that his short story "Havermeyer's Ink" is
about to appear in _Fictitious Force_. "This is my second sale of
fiction within a year. Voluminous thanks to the positive critical
atmosphere at OWW-SFF. Tip-of-the-hat to the workshop reviewers,
including O'Brien, Tregillis, Nordeen, and Wilson, for their insights
and suggestions."
Sandra McDonald sold her stories "Women of the Lace" to _The Town
Drunk_ and "The Green House" to _Fantasy_. Both stories were
workshopped on OWW, and she would like to thank Nora Fleischer, Robert
Haynes, Ryan Myers, Douglas Kolacki, Sandra Panicucci, Christine
Hall, Rochelle Uhlenkott, Britt Marschalk, Nora Jemison, F.R.R.
Mallory and Brenta Blevins for their reviews. Also, her story
"Constituent Work," which originally appeared in _Say . . ._, was
selected for BEST OF THE REST 4: THE BEST UNKNOWN SCIENCE FICTION AND
FANTASY.
"Rainfall" by Michael Merriam is in the Feb. issue of _Deep Magic_
(http://www.deep-magic.net).
Ruth Nestvold sold her story "Exit Without Saving" to _Futurismic_
(http://www.futurismic.com).
Marshall Payne sold "Clowns" to _The Sword Review_. He writes: "I
found the market by reading the Hall of Fame and seeing that Susan
Curnow had sold 'Justice' to them. If I hadn't read that I wouldn't
have known about the market. I emailed her and told her this, but you
might mention this if you list my sale in the Hall of Fame. Kinda
cool how one sale led to another. Thanks to OWW and for making this
possible."
"Afternoon Download" by Calie Voorhis is in the Feb. issue of _Deep
Magic_ (http://www.deep-magic.net).
Wade Albert White's short story "Murder in Candy Land" appears in the
latest issue of _Ideomancer_ (http://www.ideomancer.com).
| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Number of members as of 3/24: 622 paying, 72 trial
Number of submissions currently online: 457
Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 77.24%
Percent of submissions with zero reviews: 2.85%
Average reviews per submission (all submissions): 5.02
Estimated average review word count (all submissions): 700.05
Number of submissions in February: 313
Number of reviews in February: 1380
Ratio of reviews/submissions in February: 4.41
Estimated average word count per review in February: 752.19
Number of submissions in March to date: 318
Number of reviews in March to date: 1335
Ratio of reviews/submissions in March to date: 4.20
Estimated average word count per review in March to date: 827.99
Total number of under-reviewed submissions: 28 (6.1% of total subs)
Number over 3 days old with 0 reviews: 0
Number over 1 week old with under 2 reviews: 8
Number over 2 weeks old with under 3 reviews: 20
| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Got a helpful tip for your fellow members? A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission? Share it with us and we'll publish it in the next
newsletter. Just send it to support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com and
we'll do the rest.
Until next month -- just write!
The Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
| - - Copyright 2006 Online Writing Workshops - - - - - - - - - - - |
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