O | The Online Writing Workshop for SF, F & H Newsletter, April 2006
W | http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!

| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

- Workshop News:
         Summer workshops
         April crit marathon
         New synopsis submission type
         May writing challenge
         Membership payment information
- Editors' Choices for March 2006 submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Tips & Feedback


| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

Usually we tout the recent successes of OWWers in this opening
paragraph, but with so many members selling novels now, we thought
we'd link to two articles discussing the publishing business this
month.  The first is by Tor Editor Anna Genoese, on why mass market
originals do or don't make money:
http://alg.livejournal.com/84032.html

The second, also on "The Profit Motive," was published in the SFWA
(Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America) _Bulletin_:
http://sfwa.org/bulletin/articles/profit-motive.html


SUMMER WORKSHOPS

Acceptances have started to come in for the major summer workshops --
Clarion, Clarion West, and Odyssey -- and once again the early
indications are that OWWers will be well-represented.  B. K. Dunn,
Casey Fiesler, Aimee Poynter will be attending Clarion East this year,
along with former OWWers Rahul Kanakia and Livia Llewellyn.  Maura
McHugh and former OWWer Shawn Scarber will be attending Clarion West.
No word from Odyssey yet, but Aliette de Bodard will be attending
Orson Scott Card's Bootcamp.  Congratulations to all of them.


APRIL IS STILL THE CRUELEST MONTH...

The Fifth Annual OWW Crit Marathon will be wrapping up in another day
or two.  So far this month, the participating workshoppers have done
almost 600 crits, with many of them keeping to the pace of one
per day while still writing their own stories. For most of the month
the number of under-reviewed submissions has been at or near zero, and
at one point the number of submissions with 3 or more reviews was over
90%.  Many thanks to Jodi for organizing this year's marathon and to
everyone who participated!


NEW SYNOPSIS SUBMISSION TYPE

You can now submit a synopsis to the workshop for critiques, using the
spankin' new "synopsis" category.  And of course, you can search for
synopses as well (or eliminate them from your searches).  Synopsis-
writing seems to be a consistent hurdle for most aspiring SF/F/H
writers, so we hope this new place for synopses on the workshop will
be useful. Newer members might also want to check out the FAQ from
our first synopsis focus group on the OWW Writer Space:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/tiki/tiki-index.php?page=Synopsis+FAQ


MAY WRITING CHALLENGE

Jodi, OWW Challenge Dictator, Unicorn Warlord, and general menace,
wants to see some style! Yes, that's right, May is a style challenge.

Write your story in the style of an animal, any animal you like. The
animal does not have to be the POV character; in fact, it may be
better if it isn't. But choose words, cadences, and images that
reflect the spirit of a certain animal. Playful and distracted for
otters, for example.

For double credit and fun, don't mention what animal you chose (if you
decide not to have it be the POV), and have your reviewers guess.

Remember: These are supposed to be fun, but don't forget to stretch
yourself. If you normally write fantasy, try SF. If you've never tried
space opera, here's your chance. It doesn't have to be great. It's all
about trying new things. There's no word limit, no time limit, no
nothin'. Just have fun. :)

Please don't post your challenge pieces to the workshop until May
first. Include "May Challenge" in your title so you can show off how
fancy you are to all your friends.

For more details on the challenges, check the OWW Writer Space at
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/tiki/tiki-index.php?page=Challenges

Or the original Challenge homepage at:
http://www.thermeon.net/checkered/Challenge.html


MEMBERSHIP PAYMENT INFORMATION

How to pay: In the U.S., you can pay by PayPal or send us a check or
money order. Outside of the U.S., you can pay via PayPal (though
international memberships incur a small set-up fee); pay via Kagi
(www.kagi.com--easier for non-U.S. people); send us a check in U.S.
dollars drawn on a U.S. bank (many banks can do this for you for a
fee); or send us an international money order (available at some banks
and some post offices).  If none of those options work for you, you
can send us U.S. dollars through the mail if you choose, or contact us
about barter if you have interesting goods to barter (not services).

Scholarship fund and gift memberships: you can give a gift membership
for another member; just send us a payment by whatever method you
like, noting who the membership is for and specifying whether the gift
is anonymous or not.  We will acknowledge receipt to you and the
member.  Or you can donate to our scholarship fund, which we use to
fully or partially cover the costs of an initial paying membership for
certain active, review-contributing members whose situations do not
allow them to pay the full membership fee themselves.

Bonus payments: The workshop costs only 94 cents per week, but we know
that many members feel that it's worth much more to them.  So here's
your chance to award us with a bonus on top of your membership fee.
For example, is the workshop worth five dollars a month to you? Award
us a $11 bonus along with your $49 membership fee. 25% of any bonus
payments we receive will go to our support staff, sort of like a tip
for good personal service. The rest will be tucked away to lengthen
the shoestring that is our budget and keep us running!

For more information:
Payments: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships.shtml
Bonus payments and information about our company:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/bonuspayments.shtml
Price comparisons:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships_comparison.shtml


| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

The Editors' Choices are chosen from the submissions from the previous
month that show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of
our Resident Editors.  Submissions in four categories -- SF, F,
horror, and short stories -- receive a detailed review, meant to be
educational for others as well as the author.

Reviews are written by our Resident Editors, award-winning authors and
instructors Jeanne Cavelos, Karin Lowachee, and Kelly Link, and by
experienced science-fiction and fantasy editor Jenni Smith-Gaynor. The
last four months of Editors' Choices and their editorial reviews are
archived on the workshop.  Go to the "Read, Rate, Review" page and
click on "Editors' Choices."

Congratulations to this month's Editors' Choice authors!

Editor's Choice, Fantasy Chapter/Partial Chapter:
UNTITLED - CHAPTER ONE - IMPACT by Joshua Canete

I liked Joshua Canete's first chapter for the way it set up the mood
and situation while throwing in just enough tantalizing backstory to
make me want to read more. The writing was slightly clunky, but
nothing that couldn't be tightened up with a good line edit of the
final draft. I thought this opener was a bit too brief, and while I
liked the immediacy, felt there could have been more.

Rezzer Vaulding stands before an army of conscripts and farmers, ready
to talk with the guardians of Hamra, an independent trade city. "It
had been a year since he'd come this far north to visit the trade
city" and Rezzer recognized the two brothers sent to talk with him.
The Stone and the Hardplace were impressive; they recognized Rezzer.
During their talk, we learn that Rezzer's king has sent him north to
take the city, but has only given him a handful of trained men. We
also learn that Rezzer had once looked up to the Stone as an older
brother and had also enjoyed living in the city. They part, and Rezzer
lying to his troops, bolsters their confidence and leads them towards
the reportedly impregnable city walls. The invaders are repelled by
rocks, and then the entire city is engulfed in a tidal wave (or
tsunami-style wave).

I liked the immediate emotional landscape of the main character;
"Rezzer recognized the riders at the envoy's vanguard too soon to
entertain any hope that the brothers would not be among it." And then
a little later, "At least the brothers had the courtesy not to feign
hospitality. It would have been harder on him," which gives the
impression that Rezzer regrets being in the situation. I didn't get
the feeling from the opening why he was in Hamra the previous year,
but he must be someone important enough to gain the king's attention.
For me, this was the interesting part -- who was Rezzer and what did
he do to get sent on an impossible mission? What kind of man was he to
lead a pack of criminals to their deaths, his own death, and the death
of his officers?

The Stone and Rezzer exchange words that unravel backstory and start
to create a situation and world politics. "Where are the famed archers
of your small kingdom? Where are your engines of siege? Where is your
superior manpower? Our scouts say you have none of these things. Has
your 'king' gone mad Rezzer? He provokes all of his neighbors with
this foolhardy attack," says the Stone. "And perhaps the intention is
not to win at all. How did you offend your king, Rezzer? He seems to
have no more need of you." Stone knows the ragtag army behind his old
friend is filled with the castoffs of Rezzer's society. "We could buy
that lot for a copper apiece. You should tell them if they lay down
arms, that will be their reward." And when Stone offers his old friend
a place in the city of Hamra instead of leading a foolhardy attack,
his brother, Hardplace says, "He has already decided. What is a
military without conquests, isn't that right Commander Vaulding? He
would be a token general in our city. An empty honor."

This might have been a good point to fill in some other details of the
world and Rezzer's character. Hardplace makes it sound as if Rezzer's
desire for military conquest is paramount; I didn't quite see that in
this opener, and I would have liked to see one line or detail that
gave me a glimpse into this character. The Hardplace says, "There will
be no memory of you" as he turns away from Rezzer to ready the walls
for the attack; this line had great emotional impact. It also told me
a little about the Hamra people and how much they honored their
warriors. To be wiped from their history must be a terrible thing.

"The ranks were filled with criminals, slaves, and conscripts picked
up on the way, plucked from farms and dragged from taverns, all that
King Annis had afforded him on this trying errand. His command over
them was tenuous at best. If they knew what they were charging into
they would surely revolt." I wanted to see how Rezzer managed to
convince a group made up of criminals and slaves to march towards
Hamra. He lies to them, "Do you know who I was greeted by in parlay?
Old men in bucket helms. Women wrapped tight around their bodices to
conceal their womanhoodÉ" and at this point I'm not convinced he is as
charismatic as I believe Canete is trying to show. If we saw a little
more of Rezzer among the ranks or tell us briefly how he managed to
could also convince his officers to continue on this folly -- perhaps
they, too, are without choice (and even then, show us the lack of
choice) -- the attack on the city would have even greater impact.

I don't need the entire backstory, but I do need enough immersion in
the character's emotions to feel sympathy or empathy for his
situation. Why doesn't he just take the Stone's offer of asylum in
Hamra? If Rezzer is so loyal, so patriotic to his king, I'd like to
see this. Is he conflicted -- perhaps he feels loyalty to his country,
but not his king? For a brief moment, I thought Canete was trying to
evoke a misguided zealot faithful to Char, the sun (a sun god?),
"Righteousness knows no timelines, but it does know Char. He is all we
need" but it wasn't clear whether it was the king who was the zealot
or just something cultural. Right now, I'm not sure how to feel when
the tidal wave strikes the city of Hamra at the end of the chapter.

I don't know enough about the city to have any emotional reaction to
the tidal wave engulfing the place and its people, so, again, the
impact is greatly softened. It's unexpected, but not in the way that
will keep a reader turning pages. If this is to be an act of
supernatural power (a god or other mythic strength -- magic, sorcery,
etc.), we'd need to get a sense that this power exists in this world.
Right now, this tidal wave feels unsupported, so make use of it and
expand the chapter to help guide our emotions -- use Rezzer and
Stone/Hardplace to make us feel something more about the city so that
when it is destroyed, we have some connection to it.

This chapter was very short, but there's good potential for a strong
opener. More grounding details (I sound like a broken record) would
help greatly to give us a sense of character age, culture (type of
armor, color of hair, scent of the masses, and so on), and place.
Really make us feel like we're a fly on the shoulder because even the
most subtle of details can draw an image in the reader's mind. An
older man at the end of his military career facing this impossible
task will probably have a different affect on the readers than a
younger man at the height of his career -- neither is "wrong," but
letting us know something as simple as age can make an impression.
Make us fully aware of the ripples the dialogue has on the rest of the
narrative.

All in all, this chapter has a lot of potential. I very much liked how
things just got going without a lot of preamble and setup. Don't fall
into the mistake of staging the scene; just get on with the story. His
characters have definitive personalities -- give them some tactile
details and I think we'll see them more fully as characters. Get us
emotionally involved; guide us towards that end result -- make us feel
something about the destruction-to-come, and I think this chapter will
be much stronger.

Keep up the good work. I look forward to seeing how the rest of the
plot turns out.

--Jenni Smith-Gaynor
Former editor, Del Rey Books


Editor's Choice, SF Chapter/Partial Chapter:
SARANGONG Chapters 5 & 6 by Crash Froelich

There were so many strong chapters this month it made choosing one
very difficult, but I selected this story for its sheer overall
accomplishment. The alternate world, narrative, characterization,
balance of action and dialogue, and the dialogue itself makes this
book so far already publishable. No way to truly see the scope without
reading the entire manuscript, but judging just from these two
chapters, the book reads pro as it is.

Still, this wouldn't be a workshop if some things both strong and weak
weren't pointed out.

First, the synopsis was well done. Entering this book at Chapter 5
would normally be off-putting or confusing, but the quick rundown of
the world and past events made the following narrative completely
understandable. If this strategy is applied to describe the entire
book once it is completed, the synopsis would work well for a
publisher. Instead of summarizing the first four chapters and world
set-up, the writer would have to encapsulate the entire book while
providing enough information about this alternative world to highlight
its speculative and futuristic aspects.  It shouldn't come off
sounding completely historical and less speculative if it's pitched to
SF publishers. Concentrating on the driving forces behind the main
characters' actions and not microfocusing too much on the small
situations would round out what is already a good start to summing up
a politically and personally intricate novel.

The first noticable aspect of the narrative is the brisk and natural
dialogue. However, sometimes neglecting to attach proper tags to it
makes it a little confusing. This doesn't mean that 'he said' or 'she
said' needs to be put after every line; the action of the character
can also indicate who is speaking if the dialogue line is set right
after the action associated with the character's line instead of in
its own paragraph. When dialogue is set on a separate line it's
generally understood that it's a different person speaking. For
example:

	Debbie opened the case containing the thermpac meals and scanned
	the labels.

	"Would you prefer eggs or French toast?"

	"Eggs are fine. The French toast doesn't sit well with me."

Her question of eggs or French toast should go on the same line with
her action.  That way when Billie responds with "eggs are fine" we
know immediately that it's her. Especially in a chapter opening, it
needs to be clear who is involved in the scene and who is speaking. As
it sits now, Debbie opened the case and someone else could've asked
the question. This is nitpicky but speaks to flow and ease of
understanding in the narrative, so I would suggest going over all the
places of dialogue and making sure there is no ambiguity. The writer
doesn't want the reader to have to stall over a page of dialogue
trying to figure out who is speaking when the concentration should be
on the content of the words themselves. Furthermore, when you have a
scene with more than two people speaking, as this scene progresses to
be, it's important to really clearly indicate who says what. It does
get annoying if 'he said' and 'she said' or any of its derivatives are
tagged before or after every line in a 4-person scene, but this is why
attaching action -- even if it's to show someone sitting up straighter
or brushing hair away from their face -- goes a long way not only to
illustrate characters so they're not merely blank heads talking out of
a page, but to make the flow of the dialogue easy to follow for the
reader.

Here's a good example of what I mean:

	"Can't go home." Billie tasted her meal. "Can't go to Europe with
	Katy either. The dear girl refuses to leave without me, so here we
	are."

The simple insertion of an action by Billie breaks up the non-tagged
dialogue and gives us a visual image of the character, as well as
confirming who it is that's speaking. Every line doesn't need to be
tagged in this way (or any way). But when there are two-plus persons
in a scene, you need to be pay more attention to, just enough so the
reader isn't wondering who says what.

The way the characters interacted in speech was all very natural.
This was done skillfully, especially because the people are in an odd
circumstance and location, discussing things that aren't 'routine' --
for example, the plan to smoke the pig-hunting comrades in Chapter 5
in order to get around the block in the road. The way the four
characters devised their simple but effective plan (and Debbie's
hesitation about it all) showed a confidence in handling a
multi-person scene to advance action and depict character. Dave's
subtle eagerness, which Debbie comments on at the end of the scene and
Katy confirms about Billie, was one of those small details that help
round out a character and make them more human. The interaction
between Dave and Debbie as a married couple is also believable. All of
the characters jumped off the page as very individual, from Billie's
frank way of talking and Dave's light humor to Katy's business-like
competence and Debbie's unexpected compassion toward Billie. Nothing
felt contrived when it came to the people.

The other standout feature of these chapters was the pacing. As
previously discussed in other SF chapter EC's, pacing is one of those
difficult-to-grasp things because it takes a certain objective eye and
distance from a narrative to catch where action, dialogue, or
exposition might drag and slow the story. The pacing in these two
chapters was pretty much perfect, balancing the static action of the
characters sitting around eating, to their trundling along the road on
the way to their refueling point. Even if characters aren't physically
moving, the dialogue or exposition has to feel like it's moving things
along either with plot, character, or story -- or all three combined
-- and this was effectively accomplished. The interspersion of the
unintentional road block, brief action for them to get past it, and
the reminders on the radio that our protagonists still had some sort
of threat on their backs kept the story active, suspenseful,
interesting -- all things that propel a reader to want to continue on.

The chapter endings need closer examination. There isn't enough punch
to them to round out the 'punchy' chapters. The last couple lines of
each chapter weren't particularly stirring or intense or interestingly
image-laden. The chapters and book as a whole could be amped up that
much more with the right lines used at the end, which really are the
last bits of information the writer should convey in order to
thoroughly convince the reader that putting down the book or pausing
for breath is not an option. Ending on dialogue is a good strategy to
show this, but the dialogue should resonate. As it stands, the last
few lines of both chapters are thus:

	"I swear he's enjoying this. If anything happens to that overgrown
	boy scout," Debbie let the rest of the thought die in the air.

	"I know the feeling," whispered Katy.

The use of "whispered" makes this weaker. It's a quiet sort of
gracenote when, for the action that follows, it might be more
effective to ratchet up the suspense or sense of danger. Similarly, at
the end of Chapter 6:

	"They actually took Billie along? Not you or your mother?"

	"That's right, but as I said before, that's Billie's story. I've
	said enough already."

	Katy made it clear by her tone that she wouldn't discuss the
	subject further. The conversation turned to small talk about the
	ranch and they moved their gear into the house.

The way this chapter ended, it's a perfect place to put down the
novel. The characters are settling into a respite and so will the
reader. While the characters might be getting a break, the writer
doesn't want the reader to follow suit. I would suggest cutting the
last action with Katy. Leave her line about Billie as the last line of
the chapter, as it implies there is much more to her story and tweaks
the curiosity of the reader -- will the next chapter explicate more of
what Katy is alluding to? Read on and find out.

As a final point, the overall alternative world, though barely touched
upon in just two chapters here, is fascinating and believable. The
little details of how everyone waves from the side of the road to
Katy's fat Aunt Nahu and her killing the chicken to eat all evoke this
cross between the less technologically advanced culture and the future
wherein Bee Bee and fuel cells coexist. The reminders of both aspects
of this alternative global situation are slipped in with subtlety and
one can only assume that it is soundly built upon throughout the rest
of the novel.

--Karin Lowachee
Author of BURNDIVE and CAGEBIRD
http://www.karinlowachee.com


Editor's Choice, Short Story: HERO-MOTHER by Vylar Kaftan

There are any number of ways to tackle a science fiction story. A
writer might take inspiration from personal experience, from headlines
about developments in technology, medicine, or, as Kim Stanley
Robinson has done in 40 SIGNS OF RAIN and its sequels, look towards
politics and environmental changes. But what about when you're writing
about aliens? Why not take a good hard look at the sex life of other
species? Probably everyone knows that female spiders and female
praying mantises eat their mates. Some species of fish are
particularly bizarre. The smaller male attaches itself to the larger
female, and over time she may absorb multiple partners, who hang from
her, much like little potential pouches of genetic material. Mammals
are equally interesting. Bonobo monkeys, for example, or male
dolphins, who will group together and rape female dolphins. Bedbugs
are even more unpleasant sexual partners. The male bedbug comes upon
the female bedbug, pins her down, and drills a hole into her stomach
to fertilize her. What Vylar Kaftan has done, very nicely, in
HERO-MOTHER, is take two species (one somewhat feline, the other more
than a little bedbug-ish) and combine them. She's made them feel human
enough, too, that the reader can empathize with them, but she's kept
them alien enough that the reader is also extremely intrigued. (Note:
there are echoes of Jean Auel's CLAN OF THE CAVE BEAR here, too.)

The two main characters, Keloc and Duv, like any reader of this story,
are trying to balance their obligations to society against their
personal goals. They are worried that they will have to conform to the
rules of their culture in ways that will limit their choices. They
love each other. They want to have children. They are influenced by
body chemistry, by social conditioning, and by personal desires. But
they don't always understand each other. Keloc wants his partner, Duv,
to be happy. Duv wants to be a Hero-Mother, (there are echoes, here,
too, of particular human societies) a female who can go through a
difficult and terrifying sexual experience, without experiencing the
excruciating pain which will make her un-eligible for giving birth.
The plot line of the story is fairly simple. It opens with Keloc and
Duv's first attempt at sex. Things go badly, as they usually do in
fiction, fairly quickly, and as in a noir plot, Duv and Keloc attempt
to disguise what has happened, so that Duv will not have to abort her
pup when a Council member comes to test her blood for pain levels -
only females who do not experience significant amounts of pain are
allowed t breed, because the all-female, ruling body of this species
has decided that they will attempt to breed for females with higher
pain tolerance. In the end, a larger truth about the way in which this
society works is revealed, and Keloc and Duv are together, and yet
Keloc realizes that they are also estranged. The nice thing about this
story line is that the reader can see that Keloc and Duv would also
have been estranged if Duv's sexual experience had gone well:
Hero-Mothers breed with many males, and Keloc, from the beginning, is
afraid of this almost as much as he is afraid of hurting Keloc.

What makes this story work is the writing, which is assured, fairly
straight-forward, and rich with sensory details. Take a look at the
very first paragraph:

"Keloc nuzzled his mate's throat, licking the sweet oil mixed with her
sweat. Underneath the honey masking-scent, she tasted like fear. Duv
whimpered, her black fur rough beneath his tongue. She lay across the
bedding, on her spine, bent slightly backwards to expose the weak
place where her pelvic and ventral bone plates met. She smelled of
berries and incense. She wore a red-orange cloth tied around her right
top-leg--a new decoration she'd made just for tonight, with dye from
the tanyan root. On the wall above her head she had scratched a
spiral--a fertility symbol, for good luck."

Take a look at the ending, as well:

"'I wanted a cub,' she said. She rolled over and wrapped her top-legs
around him. 'And I wanted you to inspire it, my sunpuddle, Keloc. Now
it will never be. Aisf knows that I am not suited.' 'It doesn't
matter,' he whispered. 'We are mated. Many couples are mated without
cubs. And you have... you have me, little fish. I will go where you
go. It is enough, little fish. It is enough.' 'We could go away,' she
said. 'A settlement where we are not known. We could try again, with
cerf, and tanyan leaves.' Keloc said nothing. They remained curled
together, until she slept again with exhaustion. He remained awake,
licking the curve of her spine where no stain had fallen. Her dark fur
tasted foreign to him, and her sweat held no understanding."

Where many stories are loaded with sensory details at the opening,
this story follows through. We get just the right amount of details
about what Keloc and Duv look like, and about their habitat. What I
would like a bit more of, is the outside world - I'm not quite sure
how close or how far apart this people keep their dwellings, or what
these dwellings look like. I don't know if they gather together in a
central area, or if they avoid casual contact with each other, or seek
each other out in groups. I don't know how many live in this
settlement, and I'm not sure that the author does, either. One detail
which rings false: we're told that there are many more females than
males, but there are no rituals in which other females provide comfort
to someone like Duv, who has attempted sex. In fact, Keloc, our
viewpoint male character, is the one who discovers that females have
tricks to get around the rules for giving birth, and that females
frequently use painkillers during sex. Why is Duv so isolated? Where
is her mother, her cousin, a Hero-Mother? When Duv learns from Keloc
that other females use these tricks, she doesn't seem to feel as
betrayed as I would expect her to feel. Do females avoid each other's
company for some reason?

Keloc and Duv's world is a world in the process of changing. As their
species has evolved, they've put rules in place to protect females,
and to attempt to regulate an extremely violent, although necessary
form of reproduction. What I wonder is, as this species has evolved,
why their females have evolved protective bone sheathing which makes
sex so very, very difficult. It suggests that their environment is a
hostile one, in which their species is vulnerable to a number of
predators. If so, we ought to know what has happened to their natural
predators. It might also be good to know how Keloc and Duv make a
living. Are they both dyers? Do livelihoods run in clans?

Two awkward or unspecific sentences early on: "He recognized it as her
willingness to begin." Find a better way to put this.

And, "His drill exposed itself from its sheath. The male organ was..."
This seems a bit detached. Is the process involuntary? And I would
strike the word "male". It seems clinical, and not particularly in
Keloc's voice.

Good luck with this. It was a good decision, I think, to tell this
from Keloc's point of view. But I wish we knew a little more about how
he feels about females. There are more females, and females have more
power than males in this world. I would assume that the decisions of
the females on the Council affect every aspect of Duv's life. But the
only female that Keloc thinks about is Duv. The biological reason for
this seems plain. But anthropology and sociology and psychology
suggest that there ought to be more to this aspect of the story.

--Kelly Link
Editor of TRAMPOLINE and co-editor of YEAR'S BEST FANTASY & HORROR
http://www.kellylink.net/


Editor's Choice, Horror:
"Sigil" by Mark Owens

I enjoyed this story of a mortician attempting to revive the corpse of
a woman with whom he's obsessed.  The story does a good job of
generating suspense in two ways:  first, by raising questions in our
minds that we need to keep reading to answer; and second, by creating
a clear goal and a clear (and horrifying) method of reaching that
goal, so we want to keep reading to find out if the goal is reached.
The story also had some good details about the cremation process, and
I really liked the character of corpse number five (if that doesn't
sound too odd).

In a normal critique, I'd talk about two weak areas that stood out for
me.  One is the dialogue of the mortician, which seems kind of
standard horror-pervert dialogue to me and not realistic.
Unfortunately, we have many real-world examples of characters similar
to the mortician, and I think doing some research on them would allow
you to make the mortician a more believable and disturbing character.
The other is the ending, in which his "love" kills him.  Ideally, the
climax of a story should feel both surprising and inevitable.  Your
ending is surprising, but doesn't feel inevitable.  I don't feel
you've set it up properly; it leaves me with more questions and so is
not satisfying.  I don't know why she can suddenly move, think, and
talk, since the process wasn't completed.  I don't understand what her
intentions are at the end (is she trying to revive him or finish the
process of reviving herself -- which already seems complete?).  I
don't understand why she kills him -- if this is result of her old
personality, then I don't understand why she doesn't say something
angrier at the end.

Instead of going into further depth on those issues, which I don't
feel is necessary, I'd like to look at just the first sentence of your
story.  In a story like this, where the supernatural has an extensive
role and we see many strange and hard-to-believe things, the author
generally has two possible paths.  He can make the story funny, so we
won't really care whether the supernatural elements are believable or
not; or he can make the story so vivid and so real that we'll believe
almost any crazy thing.  The latter is a very difficult thing to pull
off.  I think this is the greatest challenge that horror writers face,
and most of them fall short.

I don't believe that you have a bigger problem with this than most,
Mark, but I'd like to use your opening sentence as an example to show
how the smallest details can have a powerful, cumulative effect on a
story.  These are the kind of weaknesses I see in so much writing,
which keep many stories from becoming powerful reading experiences.

Here's the first sentence (I'm going to mark each iteration of it with
an *):

* The dying man could not look away from the twisted hunk of metal
thrust through his stomach, pinning him to the soft earth like a
cockroach prepared for dissection.

How can you make it as vivid and real as possible?  You certainly get
our attention with this opening, and you establish the basics of the
situation.  But this sentence is unfocused, with a weak point of view,
and does more telling than showing.

It's unfocused because your adjectives are attached to many different
nouns (dying man, twisted hunk, soft earth) rather than to just one
noun or element.  We're in the point of view of a man who is impaled
and dying.  He's not going to notice a lot.  You say he can't look
away from the metal, and I believe that, but your sentence undermines
that claim.  If that's all he's looking at, then all your description
and all your adjectives should connect to the metal.

The point of view is weak because you start with the "dying man,"
which is a detached way of describing him.  This is an omniscient
narrator speaking, not the man himself.  He's not going to think of
himself as the "dying man."  So if you want to throw us into his vivid
experience, a better label for him would be "He."  The end of the
sentence is again from an omniscient perspective.  While in the middle
of the sentence we were looking through his eyes down at his stomach
and the metal, at the end we quickly move to a distance, where he
looks like a cockroach.  The rest of the sentences in the paragraph
generally stay in his third-person limited-omniscient POV, so I don't
see any reason for the first sentence to be so distant.

The sentence tells rather than shows (and showing is much more vivid)
when you say that he "could not look away."  This is a judgment or
conclusion (telling) rather than a concrete sensory detail (showing).
You could easily show us that he can't look away by spending the
entire sentence describing the metal.  This would convey that his
total attention is focused there.  Saying he "could not look away" is
also negative information, since you are telling us something he is
not doing (looking away) rather than something he is doing (staring at
the metal).  Negative information tends to be weak.

Making changes to deal with some of these issues, we end up with,

* He stared at the twisted hunk of metal thrust through his stomach,
pinning him to the earth.

In my mind, this is still too distant from the thoughts of the man,
who would be dazed and in shock, only slowly piecing the situation
together.  I don't think he'd realize so quickly that he is pinned to
the earth.  It also seems irrelevant, since you say his legs are
crushed under the car, which I assume prevents him from moving.

* He stared at the twisted hunk of metal thrust through his stomach.

"He stared" is filtering, establishing the means of perception but
doing little else.  Filtering is also generally weak and prevents you
from focusing your verbs where they would be strongest.  Here, the
thrusting of the metal is much more important than the staring of the
man, yet the sentence stresses the staring, by making it the main verb
in the sentence and putting it at the beginning of the sentence, while
the thrusting is buried in the middle.  The metal itself still needs
more description to reflect his focus on it and to make the moment
vivid.

There are obviously many directions to go at this point (cutting words
is easy; replacing them is hard), involving many choices about how
close you want the POV to be, how disoriented you want him to be, what
elements of description you want to stress, and so on.  Here's one
possibility--nothing great, but it does more showing and also puts the
POV closer to the man.

* Twisted metal, shining in the firelight.  Part of a fender?  A chunk
of a hood?  Crackling flames revealed red streaks.  His gaze followed
the silver-red curves downward.  They sprouted from a dark puddle in
his stomach.

Trying to make our strange, supernatural, horrifying stories vivid and
real is a huge challenge, but one that can give our stories the power
we long for them to have.

I hope this review is helpful.

--Jeanne Cavelos
Editor of THE MANY FACES OF VAN HELSING
http://www.odysseyworkshop.org/


| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

The Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop recognizes members who
have given useful, insightful reviews.  After all, that's what makes
the workshop go, so we want to give great reviewers a little
well-earned recognition!

If you got a really useful review and would like to add the reviewer
to the Reviewer Honor Roll, use our online honor-roll nomination form
-- log in and link to it from the bottom of the Reviewer Honor
Roll page at http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml.
Your nomination will appear on the first day of the next calendar
month.

The Honor Roll will show all April nominations beginning May 1
Meanwhile, here are two advance highlights from this month:

Reviewer: Don Traverso
Submission: From Patient File HS 1A04-06 by Miquela Faure
Submitted by: Miquela Faure
Nominator's Comments: Don deserves kudos first off because he did not
flinch away from a seemingly poorly-written story. I very much
appreciate his understanding of what I was trying to do with the story
and that he did not try to correct my deliberately poor grammar,
misspellings, and nearly-not-there punctuation. Instead, he
concentrated on what really worked in the story and gave me some great
suggestions on how to improve some details to make the fictional dream
more believable. Thanks, Don.

Reviewer: Sharon Lee McGaw
Submission: "The Sin-Eater" by Sharon Ramirez
Submitted by: Sharon Ramirez
Nominator's Comments: Sharon Lee's critique of my rambling story was
comprehensive, focused and the most thorough of any critique I've ever
had, either on-line or in a traditional workshop. The story had been
through multiple re-writes over the years, yet somehow she made sense
out of patchwork quilt of a story. She was as quick to point out
strengths in the writing as well as problems. Her humor and patience
speak volumes about her as well. Thanks to Sharon, I've finally put
the thing in the mail. The workshop is lucky to have such a gifted
person participating in it. Thanks, Sharon Lee!

Reviewers nominated to the honor roll during March include: Kathryn
Allen (4), Lindsay B, Barbara Gordon, Matthew Herreshoff, Patty Jansen
(2), Erin Kissane, Douglas Kolacki, Leonid Korogodski, James Lemacks,
Kevin Miller, Rachel Swirsky, Seth Thompson (3), Mark Ward.

We congratulate them all for their excellent reviews. All nominations
received in March can be still found through April 30 at:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml


| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

We can't announce them if you don't let us know! So drop Charlie a
line at support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com whenever you have good
news to share.

OWW Staff and Resident Editor Publications:

Charles Coleman Finlay's story "Passing Through" appears in the May
issue of _F&SF_ (http://www.sfsite.com).

Karin Lowachee's story "This Ink Feels Like Sorrow" appears in
MYTHSPRING: FROM THE LYRICS AND LEGENDS OF CANADA, edited by Julie E.
Czerneda and Genevieve Kierans.


OWW Member Sales and Publications:

"I'm just writing to let you know I have some exciting publication
news," says Jo Anderton. "My short story 'Dogs' won the Conjure
(Australian National Science Fiction Convention) short story
competition. It will be published in _Aurealis_. I'd like to thank
Raven Mathews, Thomas Bolme, Patty Jansen, Jodi Meadows, Aliette de
Bodard, Michael Merriam, Kimberly Colley and Maggie Della Rocca for
their reviews of this piece! Also, another short story, 'Bond,' will be
published soon in _Deep Magic_ (http://www.deep-magic.net)! I have had
a lot of help with this story through its various incarnations but
(bad me! bad!) I have mislaid most of the reviews so I don't remember
all the names :( So, instead, thank you to everyone!"

Brad Beaulieu sold "Chasing Humanity" to Tekno Books for their
upcoming Man vs. Machine anthology, to be published summer of 2007 by
DAW Books.

Hannah Bowen sold her failure-of-memory story, aka, "Rosemary, For
Remembrance," to _Fantasy_ magazine, where she'll share a ToC with
Chance Morrison.

Brand new member Becky Day wasn't sure if she should let us know her
good news. "I'm not sure if you accept sales info for the 'Hall of
Fame' for stories that didn't go through the workshop, but since
joining the workshop, I've sold 'Stranger at the Wedding' to _Cabinet
des Fees_, and 'Essence of the Rose' to the anthology JUSTICE WEARS A
DRESS.  I call that a good omen!" It was such a good omen, she had
cause to e-mail us again: "I had another sale last week, a story
called 'The Very Strange Case of Gerald Russell Duckett' to BOOK OF
DARK WISDOM, so if it's not too much trouble, maybe you could include
that, too?" Yes, indeed we can.

Aliette de Bodard emailed us with particular enthusiasm.  "This week
has definitely been a momentous one for one: first, I have sold my
novelette 'Kindred Spirits,' the very first story I workshopped at
OWW, to _Deep Magic_ (http://www.deep-magic.net). It should appear in
the May issue.  Then I learnt that the first page of 'Peace Offerings'
allowed me to get into Orson Scott Card's Bootcamp. And finally I
learnt that my short story 'The Dragon's Tears' was a semi-finalist in
the Writers of the Future Contest. Many thanks to those who reviewed
all those submissions, especially Linda Steele, Rochita Loenen-Ruiz,
and Christine Hall!"

Catherine Morrison, aka Chance, sold "The Impossibilty of Crows" to
_Fantasy_ magazine.

Regina Patton's story "The Werehouse" will be published in the April
edition of _Quantum Muse_ (http://www.quantummuse.com/).  It was
work-shopped under the title "The House that Dirk Built" and was an
Editor's Choice in October 2004.  She sends "many thanks to all who
gave input."

David Reagan made his third sale: this time it's "Only the Neck Down"
to _Futurismic_ (http://www.futurismic.com). He says, "Hrm, I'm
starting to think these aren't flukes. I love this story, and after
being rejected by _SH_, _Brutarian_, _Son and Foe_, _Aberrant Dreams_,
_Abyss and Apex_, _Interzone_, and _Flesh and Blood_, I'm glad it
finally found a home, and a pretty nice one at that."

James Stevens-Arce's screenplay "Eterno amor" ("Eternal Love"), a
psychological thriller in Spanish about an abusive relationship, which
he wrote in collaboration with a young Puerto Rican actress, has made
the top ten in a contest sponsored by the Puerto Rico Film Fund. Each
of the ten will receive a $10,000 grant to serve as its production
budget.


| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

Number of members as of 4/20:  633 paying, 67 trial
Number of submissions currently online: 449
Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 87.53%
Percent of submissions with zero reviews: 2.00%

Average reviews per submission (all submissions): 5.55
Estimated average review word count (all submissions): 696.27

Number of submissions in March: 417
Number of reviews in March: 1696
Ratio of reviews/submissions in March: 4.07
Estimated average word count per review in March: 792.46

Number of submissions in April to date: 277
Number of reviews in April to date: 1423
Ratio of reviews/submissions in April to date: 5.14
Estimated average word count per review in April to date: 734.67

Total number of under-reviewed submissions: 3 (less than 1%)
Number over 3 days old with 0 reviews: 0
Number over 1 week old with under 2 reviews: 1
Number over 2 weeks old with under 3 reviews: 2


| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |


Got a helpful tip for your fellow members?  A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission?  Share it with us and we'll publish it in the next
newsletter.  Just send it to support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com and
we'll do the rest.

Until next month -- just write!

The Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com


| - - Copyright 2006 Online Writing Workshops - - - - - - - - - - - |

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