O | The Online Writing Workshop for SF, F & H Newsletter, Nov. 2006
W | http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!
| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
- Workshop News:
December writing challenge
Market news
New Odyssey critique service
Membership payment information
- Editors' Choices for October 2006 submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Tips & Feedback
| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
It is with great sadness that we announce the departure of Jenni
Smith-Gaynor from the OWW Resident Editorial staff. Jenni's first EC
review was written for OWW in April, 2003. Since then she's selected
and written over forty EC reviews, including novels by Ilona Gordon
(now an author with Ace) and Leah Bobet (who has yet to sell her
novels but who has become a regular in Year's Best collections for her
short fiction), as well as several other writers who now have agents
shopping their novels. Before she joined the OWW staff, Jenni was an
editor at Del Rey. She'll be leaving in part to focus more on her own
creative ventures. This month is our last EC review from her, and she
will be missed.
DECEMBER WRITING CHALLENGE
For the month of December, we have another skills challenge. One of
the most important tools in speculative fiction is the "law of
unintended consequences." Every change in technology or society
produces effects that weren't originally anticipated. The story of
King Midas and his golden touch, for example. Or in Lois McMaster
Bujold's Vorkosigan universe, for example, the development of uterine
replicators to allow safer childbirth for women had the unintended
consequence of making it possible for a planet to be colonized and
self-sustaining with nothing but men (ETHAN OF ATHOS). Great
speculative fiction often explores the way mountains form from these
molehills. So: show us the law of unintended consequences.
Remember: These are supposed to be fun, but don't forget to stretch
yourself. If you normally write fantasy, try SF. If you've never tried
space opera, here's your chance. It doesn't have to be great. It's all
about trying new things. There's no word limit, no time limit, no
nothin'. Just have fun. :)
Please don't post your challenge pieces to the workshop until December
1st. Include "December Challenge" in your title so you can show off how fancy you are to all your friends.
For more details on the challenges, check the OWW Writer Space at
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/tiki/tiki-index.php?page=Challenges
MARKET NEWS
OWWer and Clarion grad BK Dunn has started a new web zine called
_Trabuco Road_, to publish "literary speculative fiction." The first
issue premiered in November with three stories at:
http://www.trabucoroad.com. Guidelines are available on the website
for anyone who is interested. The pay rate is $0.03/word U.S. up to $103, for fiction up to 15,000 words long. No poetry. The current submission window is open until November 29, and after that will reopen at the first of the year.
OWWer Jennifer Michaels drew our attention to _Flash Me_ magazine's
fund-raiser contest "Flash for Big Cash." The contest will run from
January 1until February 28, 2007. Monetary prizes will be awarded to
the top three stories. Three honorable mentions will also be selected.
All six winners will be published in a special PDF issue, and all six
winners will receive a year's subscription to Flash Me Magazine. The entry fee is $5 (U.S.) per story. Jennifer explains the
purpose of the contest: "Thirty percent of all money raised will help
support the magazine. Our goal is to raise enough money so we can
start paying professional rates. The other seventy percent of the
money raised will be divided among our top three contest winners."
All entrants will receive a copy of the special PDF issue announcing
the winners. Stories may be from any genre, but must be between 250
and 750 words. You can enter as many stories as you like, but each
story must be sent in a separate e-mail and a separate entry fee is
required for each story. For more information, please read the
Official Rules at: http://www.wingedhalo.com/fundraisers.html
NEW ODYSSEY CRITIQUE SERVICE
The Odyssey Writing Workshop, directed by OWW Resident Editor for
Horror Jeanne Cavelos, now offers the Odyssey Critique Service.
Since the Odyssey Writing Workshop was established in 1996, requests
have poured in from writers unable to attend the intensive, six-week
program. People have asked for critiques on their application stories
so they can improve them for next year; they've asked to come for part
of the workshop; they've asked for a shorter workshop; they've asked
to participate in the workshop via the Internet--in short, they've
asked for some way to get help with their writing.
Workshop director Jeanne Cavelos explains, "The mission of Odyssey is
to help developing writers of fantasy, science fiction, and horror
improve their work. I've been searching for the best way to extend
that help beyond the sixteen people who attend Odyssey each summer.
To that end, we've created the Odyssey Critique Service."
The Odyssey Critique Service provides authors with professional-level
feedback in accordance with Odyssey principles and with the
thoroughness and depth for which Odyssey is known.
Authors can submit several pieces of their writing. They will receive
detailed feedback on each piece, plus an overall assessment of their
writing, including strengths and weaknesses that appear repeatedly in
their work, and specific suggestions for improving those weak areas.
Novelists may submit several chapters or even an entire novel.
All submissions are read by critiquers who have graduated from Odyssey
and become successful professional writers. They include Carrie
Vaughn, Theodora Goss, and Barbara Campbell.
A portion of all proceeds from the critique service goes to support
Odyssey, to help keep the workshop alive and keep tuition costs down.
For more details, visit http://www.odysseyworkshop.org/crit.html, call
(603) 673-6234, or e-mail jcavelos@sff.net.
MEMBERSHIP PAYMENT INFORMATION
How to pay: In the U.S., you can pay by PayPal or send us a check or
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certain active, review-contributing members whose situations do not
allow them to pay the full membership fee themselves.
Bonus payments: The workshop costs only 94 cents per week, but we know
that many members feel that it's worth much more to them. So here's
your chance to award us with a bonus on top of your membership fee.
For example, is the workshop worth five dollars a month to you? Award
us a $11 bonus along with your $49 membership fee. 25% of any bonus
payments we receive will go to our support staff, sort of like a tip
for good personal service. The rest will be tucked away to lengthen
the shoestring that is our budget and keep us running!
For more information:
Payments: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships.shtml
Bonus payments and information about our company:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/bonuspayments.shtml
Price comparisons:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships_comparison.shtml
| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Editors' Choices are chosen from the submissions from the previous
month that show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of
our Resident Editors. Submissions in four categories -- SF, F,
horror, and short stories -- receive a detailed review, meant to be
educational for others as well as the author.
Reviews are written by our Resident Editors, award-winning authors and
instructors Jeanne Cavelos, Karin Lowachee, and Kelly Link, and by
experienced science-fiction and fantasy editor Jenni Smith-Gaynor. The
last four months of Editors' Choices and their editorial reviews are
archived on the workshop. Go to the "Read, Rate, Review" page and
click on "Editors' Choices."
Congratulations to the current Editors' Choice authors!
Editor's Choice, October, Fantasy Chapter/Partial Chapter:
ANNUNAKI ASCENDANT, CH. 2, by Mari Stanley
Mixing myths and timelines, historical figures and speculative
elements can make for exhilarating reading. I really liked this second
chapter in Mari Stanley's cross-genre work tentatively titled ANNUNAKI
ASCENDANT for its focus on character. Gilgamesh was a Sumerian king
best recognized from the Epic of Gilgamesh. One of Gilgamesh's friends
was a man named Enkidu who went with Gilgamesh on several adventures.
These two characters also walk through Mari Stanley's work, as will
possibly Alexander of Macedon, who is mentioned at the end of this
chapter. Stanley's Gilgamesh is waging a battle, a purging of
infidels, with godbeasts his friend Enkidu calls from beyond. Enkidu
and Gilgamesh have been friends for many years. In this chapter,
Enkidu seems to be doubting both his service to his king and to his
gods, the Annunaki.
For those who like to pluck historic or mythic figures from different
times to place them in a novel, be aware of how you use these figures.
Gilgamesh and Enkidu are well-known characters from the well-known
epic; Stanley, and any writer, can utilize both the actual epic and
fictionalize a new adventure with great success. But be careful of
going too far or creating a story a reader might not be able to accept
-- using the Sumerian king Gilgamesh immediately brings to mind a
certain time period, a certain culture, and specifically, a historical
text. Even using mythic figures like Arthur, Grendel, or Helen of Troy
will immediately mean something to the reader. A writer can manipulate
those figures into a new story, but writers should still be aware of
an original myth on which their specific version is based. I'm curious
to see how Mari Stanley's novel will eventually end, but this second
chapter seems to be heading in a very entertaining direction.
Because Gilgamesh is thought to have been an actual Sumerian king, the
time period and culture of Stanley's novel will be important. At the
beginning of Stanley's second chapter, Enkidu looks at a disk of
metal, a god place where he will perform some sort of act to bring
forth some monsters for his king, Gilgamesh, to use in the war. Like
with all fiction, grounding details are very important. Even if you
are writing in a historical time period, the sensory details used to
show readers the world will make it come alive. It will place the
reader immediately on that hill, in that city, under that sea.
Flowering bushes crouched close to the metal disk, but no vine, no
creeper, dared wind tendril upon that surface. Vegetation ended at
the edge of the metal as surely as if severed there by a sword
blade. Too, in all the hollow, despite the richness of its
foliage, no bird sat abranch, no insects buzzed in clouds. Here,
as elsewhere these totems of the gods lay upon the earth, it was
as if all nature recognized the sovereignty of the gods, and would
not intrude.
In this passage, descriptions of the flora would go a long way to help
ground the reader. There might be readers not entirely familiar with
the Gilgamesh epic or know anything about ancient Sumer on which this
novel is based. So in order for the timelines to be muddled with
finese, use grounding details to place the reader exactly in the
moment, the space, the land. It's no different than showing a purely
fictional world or describing a contemporary place like NYC or London.
Use details to flesh it out, make it breathe for us. I'd like to see
the metal disc Enkidu looks at -- he might not know anything about
metallurgy, but any clue given to the reader about the culture, time
period, and twisting of any assumptions might be a great way to draw a
reader into the plot. Is the metallic disc made of a futuristic metal
so unfamiliar to Enkidu that it can only be divine? If the ancient
Sumerians were a bronze-aged culture, for example, and Stanley has
decided to mix them with the Hellenistic cultures, I'd need some
specific cultural references to note the differences and see how this
particular story is being manipulated. Part of the balance of this
kind of novel will be to create a world that is believable within the
given framework while still using known cultural/historical facts
mixed with unique characters and compelling conflicts. It may sound
like a lot to chew, but the use of grounding details will be a subtle,
yet solid way to help the reader ease into the world.
Like other reviewers have noted, the relationship between Enkidu and
Gilgamesh could be fleshed out a bit. We're told many times that
Enkidu "could begrudge his beloved friend nothing." The larger
questions, "What had the intervening years wrought of them both, that
Enkidu should see so little of that cherished friend these dark days?
What warped scheme had the gods set in motion, using Gilgamesh to
change the world?" would have more impact if we understood what Enkidu
fears in Gilgamesh? What has happened for Enkidu to think that
Gilgamesh has changed? Let's look at some examples:
Gilgamesh would have been a great man, a man among men, a king
among kings, even without the beneficence of the gods. And he
would have done so using his own native intelligence and the power
of his undoubted charisma. With the gods' favor, his rise had been
accomplished with too little effort, too little sacrifice.
Had it made of Gilgamesh a monster, that rise? At times, Enkidu
could see the beast within his friend. This was one such time.
I don't see how Gilgamesh, in this scene, is a monster. Clarify this
so the reader will understand Enkidu's anxiety.
The godbeasts frightened Enkidu, who accounted himself wise enough
to know how tenuous the bonds that held them to him.
Are the "godbeasts" the same beasts from chapter one, the not-wolf
creatures? Connection to the Enkidu of the myth, who was a wild man
able to communicate with animals? Even if Stanley is not basing her
Enkidu on that particular myth version, I still need to see a
direction for this character.
At the opening of this chapter, Enkidu sometimes regrets the days when
the Annunaki granted him their gifts: "Sometimes, he looked back on
those days with sadness, with regret. Not today." Then later, he
feels, "And this . . . This is what I have wrought. Gilgamesh believes
it is his hand that has crafted this war in the making, this purging.
But I know the blame, the guilt, for what is to come is mine. Mine,"
as he thinks back on the day the god, Enki, appeared to him. Stanley
notes the inconsistency, so pick a focus for this chapter. Is this
chapter establishing Enkidu or the Enkidu-Gilgamesh relationship?
Enkidu has been chosen by the gods, the Annunaki, to be their servant,
but he is no longer a loyal and faithful tool. An inner conflict woven
with an external conflict (Enkidu's relationship with Gilgamesh) could
be drawn out to give the reader a foundation.
All in all, I think Mari Stanley has a pretty good framework for her
novel's opening. I would like to see more obvious connection to the
first chapter since this second chapter introduces several characters
not seen in chapter one. The italicized dialog in both the first and
second chapters could be structured as epigraphs and would make for an
interesting sub-plot on its own. I would want to see the finished
manuscript before starting to muck around with physical structure,
though, so keeping it within the body of the chapter would be prudent
for this draft.
Don't forget that Robert Silverberg wrote an adaptation of the Epic of
Gilgamesh called GILGAMESH THE KING, and although I don't think
Stanely's plot will resemble Silverberg's, it probably wouldn't hurt
to be aware of it. It's unlikely an agent or editor would reject a
well-written manuscript because someone else also used the same
historical characters (otherwise we'd never have so many really
interesting novels featuring Arthur, Gwenievere, and Morgaine), but we
all know how the industry feels about overt similarities. I think Mari
Stanley's novel is off to a good start and recommend she keep up the
good work.
--Jenni Smith-Gaynor
Former editor, Del Rey Books
Editor's Choice, October, SF Chapter/Partial Chapter:
WHITE POWDER GOLD (WORKING TITLE) CHAPTER 1 by Damian Dydyn
This month's EC is a YA novel, according to the author, and reads very
well as one. I am admittedly no expert on the YA market but I've
always believed that a writer shouldn't talk down to their reader; my
own books are technically "adult" but I have many teenaged readers. As
long as the stories are solid I think many books can translate to that
market.
The protagonist is a teenager in a seemingly normal situation; we meet
Nacon in a park with his best friend, a girl named Illyria (great
name) that he has burgeoning feelings for. It evokes memories of those
school years where things begin to change. Many great details
reinforce the realism of this point in time: waiting for the pools to
open; sitting through boring classes and marking every second that
passes before the final bell; the oppressive summer heat that also
indicates a change in season and eventual freedom from school. Details
like this underscore the fact that the characters we meet will also go
through a change. Throughout, this chapter shows impressive
foreshadowing and pacing.
The story begins with a very short preamble showing an immediate
"weirdness" -- an old man, a strange location, a mysterious metallic
container wherein lies the "monoatomic gold dust" (also a great name
that we remember easily and can recall when we encounter it again),
and some kind of threat. The reader knows this is not an everyday
story. We're then pushed into the lulling simplicity of Nacon and
Illyria's conversation, but there is no sense that any of their
interaction is filler. Because of the introduction, when Illyria
mentions her love of geometry and Nacon's of history, the information
is stored away, cued to be relevant later on. And it is. Consider
seemingly passing details like this:
The day had dragged on, but it was still ripe with gossip and
drama. Ben Davis had asked Julie Thompson out at lunch and she
laughed so hard juice sprayed out of her nose. There was a fight
in the hall after third period between two football players, but
it was broken up by a few teachers before it got out of hand. And
some old nut was arrested trying to get into the school during
sixth period.
Leaving the more curious detail to the last gives it more weight, so
when Nacon sees that strange figure peering into the school after the
bell rings, our inner alarms are flagged. "Something is wrong." This
builds suspense, each "wrong" detail piquing the reader until the
major point of "wrongness" -- Illyria's disappearance. Such hints are
obviously orchestrated by the writer but do not feel heavyhanded
because they are slipped seamlessly into the narrative as Nacon
experiences it.
The first scene with Illyria also wasn't bogged down with details of
how they grew up together. That is appropriately left for the next
scene, when Nacon is daydreaming in class and the writer can afford to
let the narrative fill in some necessary background. Nothing needs to
be heavyhanded; this chapter utilizes the "need to know" rule of thumb
and it all points to good pacing, where details that can be best
served later are saved for the right time. Threading in information
throughout the narrative will avoid doorstopping "infodumps" which can
especially be a killer in YA books. If the reader slows down, they are
very likely to put down the book. I thoroughly enjoyed piecing
together the seemingly innocuous details as I went along, from the
"homework" package that Nacon gets from his teacher for Illyria, to
the repetition of the green glow which immediately links what happens
to Nacon at the end of the chapter right back to the prologue. Somehow
they are connected but we just don't know how yet.
When to deliver pertinent information without weighing down the
narrative is an essential skill, especially when writing genre
fiction. Though this chapter had some small issues with sentence flow
or a lack of commas where they were needed, things like that are
easily fixed or overlooked if the story is solid and holds the
interest of the reader: so much of the latter is dependent on how well
(and how much) information is set up, delivered, and followed through
on. The characters are enhanced by this as well, as we get solid
impressions of them over time and learn as we go, growing with them.
This is a good feeling to have as a reader, especially in YA where one
would want to identify with the protagonists. Continue like this and
the novel will prove to be soundly plotted and characterized.
--Karin Lowachee
Author of BURNDIVE and CAGEBIRD
http://www.karinlowachee.com
Editor's Choice, October, Short Story:
"Bulletproof" by Len Bains
This month's story is, if you look at the general plot line, a fairly
simple one. A scrappy kid, the son of a drug-addicted whore, learns
that although being a hero doesn't necessarily mean that you win every
gunfight, it does mean that you stand up for what is right. What makes
"Bulletproof" work so well isn't the basic message, which by now we
all know so well that it can be hard for a writer to breathe new life
into it, not to mention for a reader or editor not to feel a little
cheated when we get to the end and there isn't something a bit deeper.
But what makes this work isn't the plot, or the moral message, but the
details, details, details.
The worldbuilding, and the people in this world, are vividly and
lovingly handled. We have minotaurs, hexwitches, dogmen, mysterious
pillars, and, of course, gunslingers who come to town to fight
honorably against a mysterious, malevolent alien presence. It's a
nice, hard-boiled, pulpy mix of a handful of different mythologies:
Greek, western, and some other, stranger things that presumably
bubbled up from the writer's brain -- and those things, by the way,
are all good things.
The dialogue is crisp and to the point, which is good in a Western,
and there are a number of nice pronouncements like this one: "Take
someone away and they don't leave a hole, not in the Bullet and Rye.
Not anywhere maybe."
The structure is also tight: Mikeos steals dust, a kind of drug, for
his mother. The corpser from whom he steals it threatens him, and he
is rescued by a bar patron, a minotaur, at the cost of the minotaur's
own life. When Mikeos wonders why the minotaur saved him, he's told
that sometimes you have to stand up for the right thing even when the
personal cost is high. Meanwhile, the gunslinger Remos Jax has come to
town to fight an enemy who will almost surely kill him; nevertheless,
Remos Jax refuses the aid of a witch because gunlaw is above magic,
and it would be wrong to augment his skill. Remos Jax dies, but the
world is saved for a while longer because Jax did the right thing. And
in the end, Mikeos goes back to the brothel where he lives, and gets
rid of his mother's drugs. He is, as he tells her, making a stand. My
only problem with this end is that it's a lot less interesting than
the setup, or any other point of the story arc. And, to be fair, by
taking his stand, Mikeos isn't putting himself into any harm or hurt
in the way that Remos Jax or the minotaur did, previously. The one who
is going to suffer most is the drug addict, Mikeos's mother. I'd like
to see the stakes be a bit higher for Mikeos himself.
I'd also like to see the story get longer. There's enough world here
for a novel -- there's definitely too much for a fairly short story to
do justice to. At the very least, consider making this into a novella.
There's plenty of room for expansion. For example, why has Remos Jax
come to Mikeos' town to make his stand, and where did he come from?
How did Mikeos manage to steal the dust drug from the corpser, and who
exactly is the corpser, Elver Sams? How does the girl, Lily, who
travels with Remos Jax, know Elver Sams? There's space here for the
characters to tell each other stories -- I'd like to see Mikeos and
Hemar the dogman tell each other stories about Grum, the minotaur, and
Remos Jax, and maybe Elver Sams, while they wait through the night
under the pillar. I'd like to know how other people see Mikeos, before
the girl, Lily, tells him that he's something special. I don't know
how Mikeos spends his day, or what his responsibilities are, but
surely he has other foes in the brothel besides the corpser Elver
Sams. Maybe the brothel owner? Other children? Other whores? Does
Mikeos know much about the alien Horde that threatens the entire land?
He seems somewhat unconcerned to me, frankly, which is a bit strange.
Finally, the gunslinger Remos Jax, and Mikeos' mother are the thinnest
of the characters here, and perhaps this is inevitable. He's the
embodiment of all that is good, etc. Mikeos' mother is even more an
abstract problem to be solved. But it would be nice to get a bit more
interesting detail about Jax and about Mikeos' mother. Are there the
equivalent of comic books about Jax? Does Mikeos know his stats, or
the various gunslingers who have died at his hands? Does he watch him
eat breakfast, or feel startled when Remos Jax farts? Has he seen
other gunslingers? Does anyone else feel like challenging Remos Jax
when he shows up in town? Think through Mikeos' mother, too. Make her
a character, not just a convenient place to let Mikeos make a moral
stand. Spend some time filling in around these two people, and let
your characters spend a bit more time talking to each other, telling
stories. I'm curious to see where this goes.
--Kelly Link
Editor of TRAMPOLINE and co-editor of YEAR'S BEST FANTASY & HORROR
http://www.kellylink.net/
Editor's Choice, October, Horror:
IN EXTREMIS, Ch. 1 by Sharon Ramirez
This opening chapter introduces Father Aidan, a priest assigned to
seek out demonic spirits on Earth and banish them. For the last
thirty years, he has been observing the dead body of Allegra, which
has remained undecayed. When he sees in his latest visit that her
severed finger has grown back, he realizes that she is a demon.
This chapter shows a number of exciting strengths. The religious
elements are handled convincingly and knowledgably, which is not the
case in a lot of horror. The setting, in 1920 Italy, is different and
again is handled in an assured and convincing way. Sharon, you have
some great details of setting and of the history of this place, and
that adds another dimension to the story and makes it more believable.
You're also very good at creating atmosphere.
The big weaknesses I see in this chapter are plot and pacing. The
chapter is too fragmented as is, jumping in time, point of view, and
plot, so it's very hard for us to become involved. An extremely
common problem for developing writers is giving exposition too soon
and giving too much at once. Exposition is background information
that we need to understand the story. In this chapter, you give us
exposition on Father Aidan, on Allegra, on the previous interactions
of Father Aidan and Allegra, on the town's challenges during World War
I, and on a specific time when Allegra briefly awoke. This is way too
much exposition to include in one chapter. In fact, the exposition
accounts for 2/3rds of the chapter. Only 1/3rd of the chapter
describes action that takes place in the "present" of the novel. This
would serve as a heads-up to any editor that exposition is a problem.
Because of the amount of space spent on exposition, it seems that you
are more interested in these past incidents than in the present story.
If you aren't interested in the present story, then we're not going
to be either. You need to get us fully involved in the present before
you go into exposition. The fact that the first expository flashback
begins after only five paragraphs of the "present" story is a warning
sign that your present story is weak.
Let's look at the present story. Father Aidan arrives for another
observation of Allegra, sees her finger has grown back, and warns
Father Marcello never to move her. That's interesting, but it really
doesn't set up much suspense. There's not much for us to worry about.
At this point, there doesn't seem to be any danger that she will be
moved, so Father Aidan's concern about this seems misplaced and
unnecessary. We need to see that the regrowth of the finger has set a
series of events in motion, events that will likely lead to a bad
result -- something we can worry about. That's what creates suspense.
Is the regrowth of the finger a sign of a power that no other demon
has ever had? Is it one of a bunch of signs that demons are going to
make a huge attack? Does someone sneak in and see Allegra while
Father Aidan is there, so he realizes word will spread and more
visitors will come?
We also don't get any strong feeling about what this means to Father
Aidan. You tell us he's afraid, but you don't really show it, and it's
unclear why this would upset an experienced demon hunter. Father
Aidan needs to be developed more, to have more depth and a clearer
internal conflict, so he can capture our interest and pull us into the
next chapter. Right now, he seems sort of the standard lone fighter
for good.
Both the weakness in the plot and the weakness in the character arise
because you don't devote enough time and space to developing them.
They need more space, more attention, and more development.
My suggestion is that you spend 95% of this chapter on the present
storyline, with just a little background on Allegra. Ch. 2 could
perhaps be a flashback showing how Father Aidan became a demon hunter.
Ch. 3 could continue the present storyline. Ch. 4 could show the
incident when Allegra briefly awoke. Or you may be able to cut that
entirely. As horror readers, the second we see her undecayed corpse,
we get the idea that she's vampire-like and is probably
semi-conscious, so you don't really need to put in a flashback to
reveal that. You could potentially wait until she awakes in the
present storyline. Since I don't know what happens in the novel, I
can't get more specific about exactly which events should be shown
when, but you need to spend more time on the present and use the
opening chapter to develop a compelling, suspenseful plot with a
striking, involving main character.
The overuse of exposition indicates that you're rushing to explain,
when instead we would rather discover. You need to give us time to
get involved in the puzzle, to develop our own ideas, to be drawn into
the story, rather than just laying it all out in front of us. Allow
the story to unfold in a more natural way, and your readers will tend
to be more involved.
I hope this is helpful. I think you have the ingredients here for an
exciting and involving story.
--Jeanne Cavelos
Editor of THE MANY FACES OF VAN HELSING, author of INVOKING DARKNESS
http://www.odysseyworkshop.org
| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop recognizes members who
have given useful, insightful reviews. After all, that's what makes
the workshop go, so we want to give great reviewers a little
well-earned recognition!
If you got a really useful review and would like to add the reviewer
to the Reviewer Honor Roll, use our online honor-roll nomination form
-- log in and link to it from the bottom of the Reviewer Honor Roll
page at http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml. Your
nomination will appear on the first day of the next calendar month.
The Honor Roll will show all November nominations beginning December
1. Meanwhile, here are two advance highlights from this month:
Reviewer: Ruv Draba
Submission: One-eyed Jack Part 2 of 2 by Shawn Scarber
Submitted by: Shawn Scarber
Nominator's Comments: Ruv Draba's critique of my story One-eyed Jack
was spot on and pointed to many of the weaknesses with the character
relationships I just couldn't see. This is the type of critique that
will help me rewrite this into a publishable story. Bravo.
Reviewer: Carol Ryles
Submission: CH 18 & 19 The Moon Bird Express by Larry Pinaire
Submitted by: Larry Pinaire
Nominator's Comments: Carol's critiques are insightful and detailed
providing a point of view that is very helpful.
Reviewers nominated to the honor roll during October include: William
Argyle, D. Melissa Bowden, Ruv Draba, Bonnie Freeman (2), Chris
Manucy, Helen Mazarakis, and Shawn J Reilly.
We congratulate them all for their excellent reviews. All nominations
received in September can be still found through October 31 at:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml
| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
We can't announce them if you don't let us know! So drop Charlie a
line at support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com whenever you have good
news to share.
OWW Member Sales and Publications:
Karl Bunker's OWW-critted story "Pilgrimage" was the Second Place
winner for the 4th Quarter 2006 Writers of the Future Contest. He
sends "many thanks to OWW and all my critiquers!"
Aliette de Bodard joins Karl as a Second Place winner in the Writers
of the Future. She writes: "I wanted to extend my thanks through the
newsletter to the people who critted 'Obsidian Shards' on the
workshop: Linda Steele, who's always a tremendous help at picking out
where the story goes awry, Marshall Payne, whose dedication and
enthusiasm are contagious, and Chris Kastensmidt, who helped give this
a final polish before shoving it out the door."
It takes a village? Nora Fleischer has good news. Jeffrey Kafer has
included her novella "A More Real Life" on his podiobook compendium,
MORE SONIC FICTION. You can hear it at:
http://www.podiobooks.com/podiobooks/book.php?ID=89. Nora writes:
"This novella was workshopped many, many times, in a few different
formats, and so I have a long list of people to thank: Ilona Gordon,
Stella Evans, Christiana Ellis, Melinda Kimberly, Sam Welch, Gareth
Dyson, Lori Erickson, Isaac Lazarus, Mike Nelson, Lisa Wilson, Chance
Morrison, Toni Stauffer, Jahnelle Pittman, Ezra Niesen (is your novel
done yet, Ezra?), JW Wrenn, Deb Cawley, Chris Russo, M Thomas, Kyri
Freeman, Adam Razik, Daniel J. Pelletier, Darrell Pitt, Aaron Ziegel,
James Abbiati Jr., Keong L, Terry Sheerer, John Walsh, Allen Newton,
Mandy Collins, Tempest, Karen Wootan, Dorothy Lindman, Valerie Jones,
Kate Bachus, Antonietta Wallace, Greg Jefford, Jay Ferrin, Jen de
Guzman, Pauline Williamson, Shannon Gerlich, Stephen Williams,
Elizabeth McLaughlin, Cathy Freeze, Jack Hillman, and especially the
Del Rey Editorial Board for saying that a chapter that I thought was a
digression was really a standalone story, and Lin Cochran for telling
me I wasn't done yet, and I'm very sorry if I omitted or misspelled
your name."
Rayne Hall informs us that she sold her story "Turkish Night"
(workshopped at OWW some time ago) to _Down in the Cellar_, and her
story "Style Matters" to _Futures Mystery Anthology Magazine_. And,
she adds, "The synopsis and first three chapters of my
novel-in-progress Storm Dancer won fifth place in the Novel Idea
Contest." Congratulations!
Vylar Kaftan's story "Blank Sexzra" will appear in an upcoming issue
of the new e-zine _Trabuco Road_ (http://www.trabucoroad.com ). Vy
says "Thanks to everyone on OWW who critiqued the piece!" The news
doesn't stop there. Vy had a story translated into Spanish. "Nine
Thousand Four Hundred Ninety-Four Days" (originally published at
_Abyss & Apex_) was translated into Spanish for the Argentinian
magazine _Axxon_ (http://axxon.com.ar/rev/168/c-168cuento2.htm).
"This is my first time in translation, and I'm excited." And Vy's
story "Lydia's Body" appears appears in the November 1 issue of the
new ezine _Clarkesworld_ (http://www.clarkesworldmagazine.com/). Both
stories were also critiqued on OWW.
Tara Maya's flash sf story "Public Eye" is in _Winged Halo_. She tells
us that you can go and vote on which of the stories you think is best
at: http://www.wingedhalo.com/cintro.html
Michael Merriam sold his short story "Secret" to _From the Asylum_. He
would like to thank Alan Johnson, Heidi Johnson, Becca Patterson,
Robert Haynes, Jodi Meadows, and Stella Evans, all of whom took a
crack at this one when it was on the workshop.
Mike Nelson's EC-winning story "Skinwalker: Deception" sold to
Pseudopod and is now available now as a podcast
(http://www.pseudopod.org). He says, succinctly, "Woohoo!"
Marshall Payne's novelette "Carousel Cowboys" is the November feature
story of the new and improved _Nanobison_, which just switched from
quarterly to a monthly ezine. Marshall wishes to thank OWW members
Aliette de Bodard, Calie Voorhis, Keir Alekseii Roopnarine, and Linda
Steele for all their help! As if that's not enough, his story "Father
Gus" appears in the November issue of _Quantum Muse_, and _The Harrow_
bought his story "The Opening." He sends special thanks to Linda
Steele for her help with the rewrite request for "The Opening."
| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Number of members as of 11/20: 566 paying, 44 trial
Number of submissions currently online: 391
Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 57.80%
Percent of submissions with zero reviews: 6.14%
Average reviews per submission (all submissions): 4.38
Estimated average review word count (all submissions): 666.00
Number of submissions in October: 226
Number of reviews in October: 819
Ratio of reviews/submissions in October: 3.62
Estimated average word count per review in October: 704.93
Number of submissions in November to date: 119
Number of reviews in November to date: 397
Ratio of reviews/submissions in November to date: 3.34
Estimated average word count per review in November to date: 832.68
Total number of under-reviewed submissions: 123 (31.0%)
Number over 3 days old with 0 reviews: 14
Number over 1 week old with under 2 reviews: 40
Number over 2 weeks old with under 3 reviews: 69
| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Got a helpful tip for your fellow members? A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission? Share it with us and we'll publish it in the next
newsletter. Just send it to support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com and we'll do the rest.
Until next month -- just write!
The Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
| - - Copyright 2006 Online Writing Workshops - - - - - - - - - - - |
Visit our newsletter page to subscribe!
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