O | The Online Writing Workshop for SF, F & H Newsletter, December 2006
W | http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
W | Become a better writer!
| - - CONTENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
- Workshop News:
January writing challenge
Contest news
Oddysey summer workshop 2007
Locus spreadsheet updated
Membership payment information
- Editors' Choices for November 2006 submissions
- Reviewer Honor Roll
- Publication Announcements
- Workshop Statistics
- Tips & Feedback
| - - WORKSHOP NEWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
We are happy to end 2006 with a special guest Resident Editor. The
success of this OWW graduate speaks for itself. She joined OWW in
June, 2001, and quickly set a rate for critiquing and posting work
that amazed even prolific writers and critters. By 2003 she had
started to regularly sell short stories to semi-pro zines and by 2004
she was selling to pro markets like _Sci Fiction_ and _Interzone_.
Some of those stories began to appear in various Year's Best
collections. Her first trilogy of novels, workshopped on OWW, was
released in 2005, and she became the first OWWer to win the John W.
Campbell Award for Best New Writer. Since joining OWW, she's written
or sold more than thirty short stories, a short story collection, and
fifteen -- count 'em! -- novels.
If you still don't know who she is, you might want to check out
http://www.elizabethbear.com/ -- Either way, you'll want to look at
her advice for this month's Fantasy EC.
JANUARY WRITING CHALLENGE
Have you made your New Year's Resolutions yet? Add another one to the
list. January's Challenge is "resolutions!"
Both kinds!
So, this year I resolve to send challenges before the last minute (and
not need Charlie to cover for me when I completely forget), and also
to work on my stories' resolutions.
For this challenge, pay extra attention to how different complications
are resolved -- or not resolved -- by the end of the story.
Remember: These are supposed to be fun, but don't forget to stretch
yourself. If you normally write fantasy, try SF. If you've never tried
space opera, here's your chance. It doesn't have to be great. It's all
about trying new things. There's no word limit, no time limit, no
nothin'. Just have fun. :)
Please don't post your challenge pieces to the workshop until January
1st. Include "January Challenge" in your title so you can show off how
fancy you are to all your friends.
For more details on the challenges, check the OWW Writer Space at:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/tike/tiki-index.php?page=Challenges
CONTEST NEWS
DELACOURTE PRESS CONTEST (US)
(http://www.randomhouse.com/kids/writingcontests/#youngadult): NO
ENTRY FEE. The prize of a book contract (on the publisher's standard
form) covering world rights for a hard-cover and a paperback edition,
including an advance and royalties, is awarded annually to encourage
the writing of contemporary young adult fiction. The award consists of
$1,500 in cash and a $7,500 advance against royalties. The contest is
open to U.S. and Canadian writers who have not previously published a
young adult novel. The deadline is December 31, 2006.
SWANWICK WRITING COMPETITION (UK)
(http://www.wss.org.uk/competitions.htm): NO ENTRY FEE. Three free
places at the Writers' Summer School in Swanwick in August 2007. Each
scholarship is worth more than #350. Categories are short story,
poetry and children's writing. The deadline is May 8, 2007.
ODYSSEY WRITING WORKSHOP ANNOUNCES SUMMER 2007 SESSION
Since its inception in 1996, Odyssey has earned a place as one of the
most respected workshops in the science fiction, fantasy, and horror
writing community. Forty-six percent of Odyssey graduates go on to
professional publication. The six-weeek program is held every summer
on Saint Anselm College's beautiful campus in Manchester, NH.
Odyssey's founder, director, and primary instructor is OWW Resident
Editor Jeanne Cavelos, a best-selling author and former senior editor
at Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing, where she won a World Fantasy
Award for her work.
This year's Writer-in-Residence is Nina Kiriki Hoffman, author of
novels, juvenile and media tie-in books, short story collections, and
more than 200 short stories. Her works have been finalists for the
Nebula, World Fantasy, Sturgeon, and Endeavour awards. Guest
lecturers include Michael A. Burstein, Rodman Philbrick, Michael A.
Arnzen, Elizabeth Hand, John Clute, and George Scithers.
The workshop runs from June 11th to July 20th, 2007. The Odyssey
website (http://www.odysseyworkshop.org) offers writing and publishing
tips, a class syllabus, and articles by graduates about their Odyssey
experiences. Information about the new Odyssey Critique Service is
also available on the website. Prospective students, aged eighteen and
up, apply from all over the world. Those interested in applying to the
workshop should visit the website, phone/fax (603) 673-6234, or e-mail
jcavelos@sff.net. The application deadline is APRIL 13th.
LOCUS SPREADSHEET UPDATED
OWW member Melinda Goodin has updated the _Locus_ novel sales
spreadsheet again.
If you haven't heard of this before, _Locus_ is the main
trade/business magazine of the science fiction and fantasy publishing
genre. Melinda converts the "books sold" portion of each issue into an
Excel spreadsheet. In Excel format, anyone can re-sort information to
find out which authors have been selling what to whom, which agents
are representing new authors, which publishers are buying new authors,
and so on.
Melinda explains that "this is part of my 'get to know the agent
market' mission for the year and I'm happy to share it with the
OWWers who've helped me so much. No sign-up is necessary and there's
no charge, although it would be nice if you dropped a note in my
guestbook to say hi. All feedback is welcome."
You can find the spreadsheet on Melinda's website at:
http://www.members.optusnet.com.au/~mgoodin19/locus.htm
MEMBERSHIP PAYMENT INFORMATION
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certain active, review-contributing members whose situations do not
allow them to pay the full membership fee themselves.
Bonus payments: The workshop costs only 94 cents per week, but we know
that many members feel that it's worth much more to them. So here's
your chance to award us with a bonus on top of your membership fee.
For example, is the workshop worth five dollars a month to you? Award
us a $11 bonus along with your $49 membership fee. 25% of any bonus
payments we receive will go to our support staff, sort of like a tip
for good personal service. The rest will be tucked away to lengthen
the shoestring that is our budget and keep us running!
For more information:
Payments: http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships.shtml
Bonus payments and information about our company:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/bonuspayments.shtml
Price comparisons:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/memberships_comparison.shtml
| - - EDITORS' CHOICES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Editors' Choices are chosen from the submissions from the previous
month that show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of
our Resident Editors. Submissions in four categories -- SF, F,
horror, and short stories -- receive a detailed review, meant to be
educational for others as well as the author.
This month's reviews are written by our Resident Editors,
award-winning authors and instructors Elizabeth Bear, Jeanne Cavelos,
Karin Lowachee, and Kelly Link. The last four months of Editors'
Choices and their editorial reviews are archived on the workshop. Go
to the "Read, Rate, Review" page and click on "Editors' Choices."
Congratulations to the current Editors' Choice authors!
Editor's Choice, November, Fantasy Chapter/Partial Chapter:
THE LOST GUARDIAN CH. 2 by Melinda Fittje
Paranormal romance is a hot edge of the genre currently, commercially
speaking -- to the point where a fair amount of fantasy with female
protagonists is being marketed to that niche. Whether this trend will
hold true over the next five years is of course an open question --
but so far, so good.
Ms. Fittje has a promising start here, with a strong and directed
protagonist who does not take her abduction lying down. The author
allows the protagonist to attempt to seize control of her situation,
even after having been abducted, and this makes the character engaging
to the reader. Also, the author has the beginnings of a strong and
well-grounded narrative style, although I did find that there were
some problems with flow.
Specifically, upon examining the first paragraph, I was struck by
several things. The initial sentence is excellent: it reveals whose
POV we are in, provides a good deal of information, reveals a bit of
character -- she's cagy and careful l-- and adds a bit of tension. I
also like the second sentence here, and the way it leads logically
from the first, for a smooth transferal of action, as if the narrative
point of view - -what in film is called the line of direction -- leads
the reader into the developing story.
However, I do find the construction of this first paragraph uneven.
The short, direct sentence structure rapidly begins to feel repetitive
and choppy, and some variation in construction would benefit the
chapter as a whole. Also, I see some excess weight of scaffolding-type
words that can tend to bog a narrative down. In a sentence like
"Somewhere she heard a woman laugh," often one will find that it can
be trimmed to "She heard a woman laugh," or even more directly, "A
woman laughed." (Although I'm only specifically deconstructing one
paragraph here, the problems persist throughout the chapter as a
whole: it's a stylistic issue.)
I do like the use of conflicting elements as counterpoint. For
example, we are told that Maya expects to hear sounds of pain -- but
instead, hears laughter. That's a powerful technique, which points up
both the broken expectation and the laughter, and lends significance
to both. Also, there's a sensory richness here that bodes very well
for Ms. Fittje's development as a writer -- her character feels and
reacts, and is very grounded. This helps with reader identification
and immersion, and also to bring the world alive.
Moving on into the narrative, I do find that some of the visual
description is somewhat repetitive, and could be better-imagined. A
large black stallion and a tall black rider, for example, are
mentioned in the first two paragraphs. I think Ms. Fittje would do
well here to consider looking for what is called a telling detail,
which is to say a precise and specific detail. A large black stallion
is not a particular horse. A thick-necked dark horse with a white star
between its eyes, on the other hand, begins to emerge as both
scene-setting and a potential secondary character. And when we say the
rider is black -- his skin? His hair? His clothing?
Ms. Fittje is doing one thing that I find very grounded writers tend
to, at least when they are starting out. (I notice it because it's
also a sin of my own.) Specifically, I notice that there's a lot of
very fussy blocking, with characters placed very specifically in time
and with relation to the protagonist. This is not a bad thing at all,
but there are more efficient ways to do it. For example, she writes:
"Before she could focus, a muffled noise came from behind her and she
quickly shut her eyes. A person stepped past her and Maya waited,
listening to a small rustle near the stallion. As the tingle of
adrenaline shot through her fingertips, she stole a quick glance. Her
stomach dropped as she saw a tall black rider. His back was turned
toward her, but she caught a glimpse of the long sharp knife at his
side before she closed her eyes again."
This is the sort of thing that could be tightened up without loss of
content, which would increase the narrative pace and drive. For
example: "Before she could focus, a muffled noise made her shut her
eyes. A person stepped past and Maya waited, listening. As the tingle
of adrenaline shot through her fingertips, she stole a glance. Her
stomach dropped; she saw a tall black rider. His back was turned, but
she glimpsed the long dagger at his side before she closed her eyes
again."
Specificity is nearly always better than generalities, and definite
descriptive nouns (dagger) are better than more general ones (long
sharp knife.)
Continuing on, there is nice tension building through this, and the
feeling that Maya is at risk, which helps to hold the reader's
attention. And then the oddness of their interaction is the sort of
contradiction that continues to develop that attention. Nothing is
more boring than when everything happens just as you expect.
I might be a little hesitant about broadcasting quite as plainly as
this does that the love interest has arrived. It might be more
intriguing if he still seems a little threatening, or if we have the
suspicion that he's toying with her. Her rhapsodies over his
handsomeness tend to derail the developing vein of tension. She's just
been kidnapped, chained, and dragged to another world. She might
notice that he was cute, certainly. But I think she'd still notice the
chains and her fear more.
The fact that she notices a tiny detail -- the scar on his chin --
while she's holding a knife to his throat does, however, show her deep
focus. I quote liked that.
I suspect the buzzing noise Maya feels in her head is meant to be an
indication of psychic control, and I wonder if there's a way to make
her struggle to overturn that more interesting and dramatic than
saying merely, "She pushed it aside." This seems to me a lost
opportunity.
Jarel's POV, on the other hand, I found quite subtle, and just right
for a dawning affection.
The rising tension resumes in the scene that follows, where I think a
heavy load of exposition is handled well. The technique of filtering
it through the protagonist's reactions and allowing us to see how the
information affects her is a good means of keeping the exposition from
becoming dry. Also, I like that Maya distrusts Jarel, and distrusts
his information, and has the smarts to consider why what he is telling
her seems untrue. It's good, in that it creates subtle tension, and it
keeps her from seeming like a pushover.
I mentioned earlier that the issue with scaffolding, sort of
extraneous and blurry prose, persists throughout this submission. I'm
bringing it up again because I think it is the easily-corrected issue
that can do the most to bring this chapter up to a truly professional
level. Again, for example, take this sentence: "Maya strained to keep
moving but then gasped with pain as she felt her ankle slice open on
one of the sharp rocks at her feet. It began bleeding fiercely."
This is a curiously distanced and nonspecific manner of expressing an
injury, and the construction seems to me a bit awkward. I would
suggest splitting up that first sentence and getting some of the
extra, alienating words out of it. Something to the effect of, "Maya
strained to keep moving. A sharp slice across her ankle made her gasp
with pain. She had cut herself on a rock, and the gash bled freely."
"Began" and "felt" and "something" and "saw" and "heard" and
"somewhere" and similar words are often signs that the author is
waffling, uncertain how to express something, and thus is filtering
heavily. If we are soundly in Maya's POV, we don't need to be told
that she felt something, because we know we are feeling what she
feels. Extra words are often clutter, and may be regarded with
suspicion. If they're not doing enough work, give them the sack!
Also strong is the chapter hook at the end, the reveal that leads into
the next chapter. Maya cresting the hill and seeing her future is a
good, heavy beat, and a sound place to end.
So in other words, to sum up, I think this is a promising draft, with
a good deal of potential for tension and character development. I
think its greatest weakness, currently, is on a sentence-by-sentence
and paragraph-by-paragraph prose style level... and conversely, I
think that is one of the easiest things for a writer to improve.
I enjoyed this chapter. Good luck.
--Elizabeth Bear
Author of CARNIVAL and THE CHAINS THAT YOU REFUSE
http://www.elizabethbear.com/
Editor's Choice, November, SF Chapter/Partial Chapter:
THE SECRET PLAY: CHAPTER 3
by Oro Olson
This chapter has great momentum. This points directly to good pacing,
but is one of those aspects of writing that is sometimes difficult to
pinpoint or hone. Another strong characteristic of this chapter is its
voice and the dissemination of information from a limited point of
view (first). It's always the trick of first person how to say what
you need to say without undercutting the voice. This author managed to
infuse a tone of retrospect that made it possible to gain a
perspective of the events while still maintaining that sense of being
in the moment when the action is happening.
The first couple lines are intriguing enough: "I was born on Earth.
But I was not born of woman, of womb." Effective hook. What follows is
an accumulation of details to give an idea of Remah's world in the
clinic. While the chapter certainly didn't lack in these details, I
still felt empty because, besides the physical details or things that
Remah experiences or sees, there's a certain lack of texture to the
prose, an absence of sensory details like touch and taste or smell.
Adding in these other things will not only help situate the reader to
a fuller world but also make it more realistic: Remah is bound to
notice, especially as a child, the newness of things other than what
he sees.
Here's an example, a long one, but it illustrates everything that I mean:
I spent my childhood years in school in the pedagogue room, being
taught by whoever was teaching me with their holopads and screens
and props; I did crafts and art projects, learned grammar,
vocabulary, mathematics, applied sciences, some limited, even
cursory history; at play in my room, in the cafeteria, under the
long metal table. I was free to roam, to sit in the three long,
white halls, or run them up and down only for a doctor or
technician or dark-suited man and woman to look at me with
furrowed brows as I screamed or charged or jumped (though as I
grew older I was made to feel guilty for such behavior); and when
I wasn't bed-bound, intravenously connected to adjacent machines,
biomanipulation software or nanomed programming equipment,
conscious or unconscious, I smashed toy cars together, or read
digibooks in the pedagogue or watched vids on the computer, which
I could do at any time during the day. I loved to read, to absorb
all the data I could, and though not everything interested me, I
downloaded all the permitted data I could. As the years passed,
however, it became clear that only certain portions of history
were available to me--all the information I could access was
controlled. I couldn't access Internet4, like I knew the techs and
doctors did, with their codes and passwords--or without a computer
at all, dialing up their data with their neural pads for direct
synaptic access. They wanted me to know only certain things, and
so that's what I knew.
While this gives an idea of what Remah does, and some of his thoughts
on it, it doesn't provide more than that. Where he lives is still
mostly a blank slate in the reader's mind, a kind of amorphous
impression with itemized incidences but not a lot of expansive
cohesion that would make this world a true world that the reader can
feel as Remah feels. All of this information is necessary for the
reader to know, but the reader should never feel that this is
precisely what the writer is thinking and subsequently doling out for
our benefit. The interaction of the reader in the world should be a
kind of soaking up and infusion of details rather than a parade across
the page. If the events are too "listy" then it comes off too much
like a summary.
Sometimes, of course, the writer has to speed up events so as not to
bog the narrative in one particular year or what have you, but what
makes the summaries come alive are the color-details. Incidentally,
the use of Internet4 threw me, perhaps because it seems pretty mundane
a term. Which isn't to say that all SFnal neologisms should be flashy
because that can come off kitschy; even just using Net4 as is later
incorporated would feel a little less contemporary.
The narrative really picks up when Remah interacts with Dr. Nedaira
and the other children. Here his impressions play off what he is
saying or what the others are saying to him, and the interactions feel
disturbing, which I believe is the intent. The undercurrent
exploration of differences, prejudices, and freedom work seamlessly
into the surface narrative of this child trapped in what seems to be a
series of experiments, in a world he (or we) don't completely
understand. This provides intrigue, mystery, and a connection to the
character so by the end of the chapter when he declares: "I will be
their enemy" (one of the punchiest end-chapter lines I have ever read)
we are completely convinced of this, and that he has a right to feel
that way.
Perhaps most importantly, we want to see how or if he does accomplish
this and what the ramifications are. These are story elements make
readers turn the page. Despite the somewhat summary nature of part of
the chapter, the contrasting child/adult voice worked well here,
especially when we were left to interpret behavior without too much
explanation or reflection. Dialogue can often speak for itself and the
connections can be made in the reader's mind with a little prompting
of the point of view character's voice.
The one main question that I had about the set-up over all is that, if
they see Remah becoming disconsolate or depressed, does this not
defeat the purpose (it seems) of their experiments? Simply telling a
child that intelligent that "in time" he will know more is hardly
satisfactory and can so easily breed discontent. Unless, of course,
they are so arrogant to believe that they have absolute control over
him and how he might behave in the future. As a reader I'm aware that
such things can be explained or expanded upon in subsequent chapters
but it is a question that flagged at the back of my mind by the end of
this chapter.
Overall this chapter carried a very strong voice, an interesting
character and situation, and dark undertones that propel the story
past what could've been a bit of a cliche situation (child locked in
experiments). Issues like eugenics and racism seem to be there, which
are certainly worthy of discussion in an SF novel.
--Karin Lowachee
Author of BURNDIVE and CAGEBIRD
http://www.karinlowachee.com
Editor's Choice, November, Short Story:
"The Goddess and Lieutenant Teague" by Sandra McDonald
This story begins with an interesting twist: a woman in her mid
twenties whose mother is a famous general turned successful
businesswoman is on her way to the front of an unpopular war which
seems somewhat analogous to the Vietnam war, although the setting is
clearly an alternate version of the world that we know. In this world,
women go to war and men stay home. Lieutenant Teague's culture (in her
case, academic, military) doesn't look with favor on same-sex affairs,
but Teague, impulsively married just before leaving for the front,
quickly develops feelings for a subordinate, Sergeant Lyss, which she
conceals. Then there is the Goddess of the title, who tells Teague to
"draft beer not girls" and "Make love not war." All of this is
potentially good stuff, but although the writing on a sentence level
is engaging and clever, we never get close enough to the characters or
deep enough into the heart of their situation for this version to yet
succeed as a story.
First, let's take a look at character, at Teague herself. This seems
to be her first military engagement, although she's much older than
most recruits would be. So what has she been doing before enlisting?
She's been at Grinnell University, we're told, but we don't know what
she's been doing there - presumably some sort of advanced degree. Is
there a draft? Has Teague joined because of what her mother wants? In
defiance of her mother? Her mother, who later becomes ill and dies as
part of a significant plot point, needs to be more fully part of this
story, as does Teague's husband. He sends letters - perhaps we ought
to be able to read extracts from them.
The Goddess speaks to Teague, but we don't know what kind of
relationship Teague (or this story) has with religion, or goddesses,
or any sort of manifestation of the fantastic or the holy. What is the
norm? And how closely has Teague fit into the norm before her first
encounter with the Goddess? And why doesn't Teague wonder why the
Goddess has spoken to her/what the Goddess wants from her? Even if
this only a figment of Teague's psyche, shouldn't Teague wonder what
it means? What is the arc of Teague's character in this story? She
goes from Lieutenant at an outpost where most soldiers don't last out
their tour of duty, back to the civilian world where she takes over
her mother's company, but I never know what Teague wants except that
she wants/doesn't want to have a relationship with another woman. I
never truly feel that Teague is in any danger in the story, or that
she is close to despair, or that she is slowly worn down by the deaths
of her soldiers, or questions why she is engaged in killing/dying for
a military objective (which, by the way, the story does not provide),
or that she has any sort of emotional reaction even to her mother's
death. I began to think about what Sergeant Lyss sees in Teague, and
finds desirable, and this remained elusive. Characters become
interesting when they have flaws or vulnerabilities: I realized, on a
second reading, that Teague had been interesting to me because of her
goofy, whacked-out visions of the Goddess. But if Teague suffers, I
don't really feel it on the page yet. If she learns anything from her
tour, I don't see it. If she changes, it needs to be more visible,
more striking. Show us some other people - activists? hippies? other
soldiers? -- who have been listening to the same Goddess. Teague
doesn't have to have much in common with them, but she does needs more
interaction with the world, with the enemy, with other characters.
Although there are a lot of good sensory details already present in
this draft, Teague's experience of war needs to be more
claustrophobic, more intense, more unpleasant. Lots of people die in
this story, but I never really feel any of the deaths. Things don't go
from bad to worse. The tension never really rises. We don't know what
Teague's orders are, or whether she is being asked to do impossible
things, or only uselessly routine things. We only see the enemy once,
and we never hear Teague or her soldiers talk about that enemy, except
in the most general terms. What does Teague, to whom the Goddess has
spoken, think when an enemy priestess tries to kill the women on her
patrol?
Why does one of the other soldiers on patrol, Narbett, only watch --
and then die -- as the priestess begins to fire? Why does her training
fail her after so many patrols on which bad things have happened? I
have a number of questions about Narbett, who seems to be a double for
Teague in some ways. Why does Narbett smile sunnily when she describes
another soldier's death? What is this supposed to tell us? That war is
making everyone crazy and numb? Or that Narbett is a psycho? "Flatly"
and "flat" get used to describe dialogue and how people are feeling,
but at the moment it feels too cheap because Teague, the character we
need to see this world through, never really seems to feel anything
strongly to begin with.
More broadly: how is a war fought by women different from a war fought
by men? How is this world different from the one that we know? At the
moment, it feels as if the genders could be swapped again with no
impact on the story at all. Do other women in the patrol sleep
together? Do they talk about their boyfriends, or about why men would
never fit into army life? Back home, are men second-class citizens? Is
there an equal-rights-for-men movement afoot back home? What is
Teague's attitude towards men? Is she content with the world the way
it is, or does she long for something better?
There are some qenuinely lovely passages of writing here, for example:
"The chopper rose. Limp bloody bodies pressed in on Teague from all
sides. The gunner smoked a thin roll of illegal plant leaves and let
off occasional shots into the bush. The engine thudded and thumped
like something wild was trapped under the hull. As Teague's head
lolled to the side, she saw fat white clouds coalesce into a woman's
face. A great compassionate face with wisdom and peace emanating from
every graceful line. The eyes were almond-shaped, like a Ravinan, and
her lips were green like moss. The Goddess stared straight at Teague
and smiled.
"'My will be done,' the Goddess said, her voice like the river that
thundered along Grinnid University's campus. 'My will, Goewin Teague.
Make love not war.'
"Peace flooded through Teague in velvet waves of blue and gold. The
rushing river slowed to a trickle. It became a steady drop, drop,
drop, water from a faucet. A heartbeat, muffled, like an infant in a
father's womb. Then a doctor in a grimy evac hospital peeled
blood-crusted bandages from Teague's right hip and made her arch off
the gurney in pain."
And the ending, as well, is near note perfect. Good luck getting
deeper into Teague, and her world in the next draft. It may sound as
if I'm asking for a novel, but I think you can fill in the gaps and
still keep this under 10,000 words. Think about how Teague's society
is potentially going to be changed by the war. Think about what's at
stake for Teague in this story: what she believes in, and what she
comes to question or embrace, besides love for another woman. Think
about what Teague stands to lose.
--Kelly Link
Editor of TRAMPOLINE and co-editor of YEAR'S BEST FANTASY & HORROR
http://www.kellylink.net/
Editor's Choice, November, Horror:
"The Painted Staircase" by Rayne Hall
In this short piece, young Martin tours a castle where many mysterious
deaths have occurred, while he anticipates his sexual liaison with a
married professor that night. The castle contains paintings by a
17th-century artist who was cuckolded by his patron. Martin is sucked
into one of the paintings and realizes the artist's spirit is seeking
vengeance on adulterers. He escapes near-death in one painting by
jumping into another painting, only to find death there also.
I found this story very readable, and I was sucked into it for
stretches. This story reminded me of something the writer Elaine Isaak
says: start the scene as late as you possibly can, and end it as soon
as you possibly can. That eliminates fat.
Rayne, you do a good job of following this principle by opening the
story as Martin enters the room with the paintings and ending the
story as Martin realizes he's going to die. In between, you do a good
job of building suspense by revealing the strange history and nature
of the paintings, and creating some conflict between Martin and the
tour guide. Your instinct regarding the structure of the ending is
good; having Martin sucked into the painting of the shipwreck and
dying would be too simple, and we'd feel the author's hand making this
happen. Having Martin sucked into one painting, escaping into
another, and then dying makes his death seem more inevitable -- more a
result of the artist's vengeance than the author's manipulation.
Unfortunately, because this is a good structure for an ending, it's
been used many times before. The "Oh my God I'm going to die!
Phew--thank God I got out of that! Oh shit, I'm going to die!" ending
has been used in countless horror stories, horror movies, and Twilight
Zone episodes.
Of course, that doesn't mean it can't be used again. Most stories
have plots that have been used countless times before. E.T. is, after
all, the story of Jesus, but translated from a religious/historical
perspective to a science-fiction one, we don't recognize it. If
you're going to use this structure, you have to use it in such a way
that we don't recognize it as that same DPD (Dead Phew Dead) ending or
provide a different twist or difference perspective on it.
Several other factors exacerbate the problem with the ending -- we
have read about characters being sucked into paintings before, and
we've read about adulterers getting their comeuppance before. None of
these elements really turns in a surprising way, and we want the
ending to be feel both surprising and inevitable, as I've discussed in
the past. Another difficulty is that the rules for the magic of the
paintings are never established -- except for the fact that the
paintings attack adulterers -- so the idea that Martin can escape from
one painting into another feels random. That process isn't described
at all, so we never really buy that it's possible to transfer between
paintings. Thus the twist doesn't feel natural. The very end, of
Martin facing the lions in the arena, also feels pretty familiar, so
the story ends on a weak note. The two paintings you choose to
feature, of the shipwreck and the lions, have nothing to do with
Martin's story up to that point, so the ending feels imposed on the
story rather than arising out of it.
On one level, I think if you strengthened Martin's character, expanded
the description of his transfer between paintings, and gave me a more
satisfying final image, I would still feel the ending was predictable,
but I would be more emotionally involved in the story and pleased by
the ending, so I wouldn't care as much.
Yet on another level, I don't think you've yet found what it is that
you have to say about adulterers that is different from what other
writers have to say about adulterers. Without that, the story is not
going to be distinctive. I can't tell you what you have to say about
adulterers that is different from what others have to say about it;
that's for you to discover. But often it can be helpful to look at the
elements you've put into the story and let them speak to you. This
might help your ending feel more natural, more derived from the
ingredients at hand rather than imposed from without.
For example, you spend a lot of time describing the tour guide and
establishing a conflict between Martin and the tour guide. He
considers what she would be like sexually, and she seems to disapprove
of him. This goes nowhere in the story; should it go somewhere?
Should Martin, rather than being drawn to the painting of the ship, be
drawn to the painting of Mary Magdalene? Perhaps he thinks she's even
hotter than the professor, and he's already thinking about other women
he'll get after the professor, who will be hot like Mary. He finds
himself drawn into the painting, but there waiting for him is not Mary
but the ugly tour guide, and a line of exhausted adulterers, and she
is going to screw him into eternity.
I'm not saying this is the right ending, or that it's brilliantly
original. It's your basic "Yea, I'm going to get everything I ever
wanted! No--this isn't what I wanted; this is a nightmare!" ending.
But I wanted to illustrate how you might consider the elements that
your brain has put into the story and whether these are the right
elements, and if so, how they work together thematically. Aside from
plot considerations, why are the paintings biblical scenes? What
connection do you feel exists between the Bible and adultery? Is it
that the Bible condemns adultery? Or that the Bible contains stories
of adultery?
Thematically, what does the history of the artist have to do with the
ending? You say the artist was chained to the scaffold by his patron.
Is the adulterer similarly chained? Or is it the nature of the
adulterer to avoid all responsibility and "chains," and seek freedom
above all? If so, how can this be reflected in your ending? How can
freedom be turned into a nightmare for Martin?
Writing a piece this short is extremely challenging. I hope this is
helpful.
--Jeanne Cavelos
Editor of THE MANY FACES OF VAN HELSING and author of INVOKING DARKNESS
http://www.odysseyworkshop.org
| - - REVIEWER HONOR ROLL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
The Reviewer Honor Roll area of the workshop recognizes members who
have given useful, insightful reviews. After all, that's what makes
the workshop go, so we want to give great reviewers a little
well-earned recognition!
If you got a really useful review and would like to add the reviewer
to the Reviewer Honor Roll, use our online honor-roll nomination form
-- log in and link to it from the bottom of the Reviewer Honor Roll
page at http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml. Your
nomination will appear on the first day of the next calendar month.
The Honor Roll will show all December nominations beginning January 1.
Meanwhile, here are two advance highlights from this month:
Reviewer: Jon Paradise
Submission: The Dragon's Teeth part one by Sylvia Volk
Submitted by: Bo Balder
Nominator's Comments: Because I've been reading this story too to
review it, and a lot of things he pointed out, were things I was still
formulating in my mind.
Reviewer: Sylvia Volk
Submission: Degradation by Madeline Snow
Submitted by: Madeline Snow
Nominator's Comments: Was probably the most helpful review I've ever
received on a story. Got down to the heart of what was flawed with the
piece and recommended websites and person advice on how to fix it.
Thanks!
Reviewers nominated to the OWW Honor Roll during November include:
Alex Binkley (2), Ray Capps, Susan Elizabeth (Betsy's Brain) Curnow,
Ruv Draba (4), Shad Fagerland, Alisa Goode, Keith Nowak, Carol Ryles,
and Dorothy Winsor.
We congratulate them all for their excellent reviews. All nominations
received in November can be still found through December 30 at:
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/honorroll.shtml
| - - PUBLICATION ANNOUNCEMENTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
We can't announce them if you don't let us know! So drop Charlie a
line at support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com whenever you have good
news to share.
Long-time OWW reviewers will recognize these titles: Elizabeth Bear
sold her three-book Norse-steampunk-noir-periapocalyptic-romantic-!New
Weird-high/low-fantasy series, which is not really a trilogy because
it's three closely-linked but ultimately stand-alone novels which will
be collectively known as the Edda of Burdens (ALL THE WINDWRACKED
STARS, BY THE MOUNTAIN BOUND, and THE SEA THY MISTRESS). Look for them
forthcoming from Tor in hardback, most likely starting in 2008.
Aliette de Bodard sold her novelette "At the Gates of White Marble" to
_Leading Edge Magazine_. She tells us that "It didn't go through the
workshop, but I had some terrific feedback on it from OWWer Marshall
Payne, who rightly saw what a disaster my planned ending was."
Carol Scavella Burrell dropped us this note: "Since the workshop is
more or less responsible for this one, I guess I should mention that a
story of mine will appear _Strange Horizons_
(http://www.strangehorizons.com), probably in May, in two parts (it's
a rather long story). I didn't workshop it, but the characters are
from a different story that I did workshop, and this second story
would not have happened without the help of the critters on the first.
I wish I could remember all their names, but it was approximately a
billion years ago. The SH story is called 'Brownman' -- a Greenman
tale set in Miami." Friends and fans of Carol may also want to check
out her webcomic, SPQR Blues: http://spqrblues.comicgenesis.com/
We saw a reminder on Deb Coates's blog (http://www.iknowiknow.org/)
that "Chainsaw on Hand" will be published in the March 2007 issue of
_Asimov's_, which will likely be out soon, in case you want to look
for it.
Amanda Downum reports that _Not One of Us_ is buying her
twice-workshopped story "Ebb"! She sends "many thanks to Ian
Tregillis, Ursula Warnecke, Rae Carson, Jaime Voss, Leah Bobet,
Elizabeth Bear, and anyone else I'm forgetting."
E! has her first pro sale, and in fact her first sale ever,
"MetaPhysics" to _Realms of Fantasy_. She explains that "the idea
first came to me about 6 or 8 years ago, pursuant to a discussion on
the OWW mailing list. I don't quite remember the discussion, but I
know that's where it came from." She submitted it three times over the
next 6 or 8 years and sold it on the third try. Congratulations!
Rayne Hall's most recent sales are "The Devil Eats Here"
(fantasy/horror), workshopped, to _Nocturnal Ooze_, and "Triple Death"
(horror), workshopped as "Never Leave Me," to _Amalgamae_. If that
weren't enough, "Burning," a subtle horror story (also workshopped at
OWW) won the second prize and CDN$600 in the 2006 Penknife writing
contest and will be published in the print anthology. She writes that
"This brings my tally to 29 stories sold in 14 months. Let's see if I
can better that in 2007. :-D"
Bryan Hitchcock says, "Thank you OWWers. I've learned a lot here and
I'm looking forward to learning even more. In the meantime I am going
to do the happy dance because my story "Cold Snap" was accepted for
THE LORDS OF JUSTICE anthology. I'll post a link when it is
available."
Matt Horgan's short story "Bars" has been purchased by _Nocturnal
Ooze_ for their Feb/March 2007 volume. Matt writes that "this story
was workshopped a couple years ago and sat until recently when I
pushed it back out. Many thanks to those who provided insight on the
revisions."
Ian Tregillis had the kind of week back in early December that can
make a year. In his own words: I'm delighted to say that my story,
"Come Dancefight, My Beloved Enemy" has been purchased by _Trabuco
Road_. I workshopped this story on the OWW early in 2006 (as "Come
Dancefight, My Beloved Enemy, in the Charnel House of Desire").
"Dancefight" is the only piece I've ever written in second person POV,
but it's also one of my favorites. I wrote it as a challenge to
myself, the challenge being to write a story that (1) made sense of
that long, strange title; (2) was written in 2nd person POV; and (3)
used an in medias res opening. I wanted to experiment with using
techniques that I strongly dislike. And hey, it turned out better than
I'd hoped! I'm indebted to B. K. Dunn, Kim Jollow Zimring, Karl
Bunker, Aliette de Bodard, Andrew Ahn, Way Jeng, Amanda Downum, Mike
Farrell, Sam Butler, Katrina Kidder, Leo Korogodski, Kyle Kinder, Brad
Beaulieu, David Reagan, Brit Marschalk, and Bill Purcell for their
comments. Thanks, all. AND, George R. R. Martin has accepted my
story "The Tin Man's Lament" for the Wild Cards mosaic novel INSIDE
STRAIGHT. This is the second story that I've sold to George in recent
months, meaning that I'll have stories appearing in both the first and
second volumes of Tor's new Wild Cards trilogy. I'm particularly
thrilled about "Tin Man" -- I wrote the entire thing over Thanksgiving
weekend, after being asked if I could produce a good story for the
book on very short notice. And hey, it turned out better than I'd
hoped!
| - - WORKSHOP STATISTICS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Number of members as of 12/19: 588 paying, 57 trial
Number of submissions currently online: 362
Percent of submissions with 3 or more reviews: 63.00%
Percent of submissions with zero reviews: 4.14%
Average reviews per submission (all submissions): 4.53
Estimated average review word count (all submissions): 703.500
Number of submissions in November: 195
Number of reviews in November: 658
Ratio of reviews/submissions in November: 3.37
Estimated average word count per review in November: 774.56
Number of submissions in December to date: 110
Number of reviews in December to date: 435
Ratio of reviews/submissions in December to date: 3.95
Estimated average word count per review in December to date: 840.86
Total number of under-reviewed submissions: 95 (26.2%)
Number over 3 days old with 0 reviews: 7
Number over 1 week old with under 2 reviews: 36
Number over 2 weeks old with under 3 reviews: 52
| - - FEEDBACK - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Got a helpful tip for your fellow members? A trick or hint for
submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments,
for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your
submission? Share it with us and we'll publish it in the next
newsletter. Just send it to support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com and
we'll do the rest.
Until next month -- just write!
The Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror
http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
support@sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com
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