Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction, Fantasy and Horror

We're still looking for someone to run the monthly challenges. Until someone steps up, I'll put up the challenge of the month.

I've always felt that the best stories come from answering a question. Here's one to answer in your challenge story.

A person wakes up one morning, looks in the mirror, and finds a stranger's face looking back at her/him. Who are they, the person others see, or the person inside?

Remember: Challenges are supposed to be fun, but don't forget to stretch yourself. If you normally write fantasy, try SF. If you've never tried space opera, here's your chance. It doesn't have to be great. It's all about trying new things. There's no word limit, no time limit, no nothin'. Just have fun. Put "Challenge" in the title so people can find it.

Challenges can be suggested by anyone and suggestions should be sent to Jaime (news (at) onlinewritingworkshop.com).

Simon451, a new imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc., is now accepting submissions from unagented authors. Simon451 will be dedicated to publishing speculative fiction such as science fiction, fantasy, dystopian, apocalyptic, and supernatural. Right now they are only looking for adult novel-length commerical fiction, and not accepting MG, YA or children's books. You can find more information on their submission page.

The Editors' Choices are chosen from the submissions from the previous month that show the most potential or otherwise earn the admiration of our Resident Editors. Submissions in four categories -- science fiction chapters, fantasy chapters, horror, and short stories -- receive a detailed review, meant to be educational for others as well as the author.

THE ROYAL MAGES by Bonanza Jellybean

This is a promising but still disorganized early draft of a young adult fantasy novel. This is a story that--in its strengths--offers clean and undistracting sentence- and paragraph-level writing and a potentially relatable protagonist who has a web of intriguing relationships: mentor, friends. Unfortunately, at this point it still suffers from feeling distanced, which is a death knell for YA fantasy. It also suffers from a lack of immediate action, conflict, and character investment, spending entirely too much time on scene setting before getting into the meat of the story.

I will say that the author's whimsical pseudonym is a barrier to entry in this story. As an EC reviewer I generally make an effort not to notice the byline on what I'm considering. If I had, I might have passed this one up. I will not be the only reader or editor to feel this way, and I would suggest a new byline before submitting this story.

I mentioned above my other major issue with this piece, which was the distancing and slowness of pace. The problems here are largely those of point of view and of starting too soon. Specifically, there is too much establishing shot here, in both cases. We commence reading in the point of view of a dry third person omniscient narrator who introduces s to Kara and assures us that something interesting will happen soon--this is the day that will "change the course of [her] life."

But what we're given to fasten onto in this first chapter is a friendly conversation between Kara and her admiring mentor. Kara has no goal; she has no will to strive against her ordained fate. Instead, we are told--again by a detached third-person omniscient narrator--that Kara must give up her studies and go work on her family farm for a living. The only points of interest are the revelations that this is a very sexist society, but one on the brink of change, and that one of the visiting mages is a woman.

A wise writer once said that the point where a story begins in the point where the protagonist's life changes. At a cursory inspection, it might appear that the arrival of the mages is where Kara's life changes. But she's so resigned, and the third-person omniscient POV is so distanced and expository, that it failed to grab me as a reader. Fiction, and especially young adult fiction, requires immediacy. It requires connection and stakes. Not to put too fine a point on it, you need the reader rooting for the protagonist as soon as they meet.

This is actually pretty simple to accomplish, though simple does not mean easy.

First, you must ground your audience in the character's point of view. Especially in YA, I would recommend sticking to third-person limited or first-person for this purpose. This story is currently relying on a kind of distanced camera's-eye-view and voiceover technique, and despite the very fine writing it's just not clicking for me as a reader.

Second, you must establish that the character wants something and is willing to act to get it. It can be as simple a desire as a glass of water, as Kurt Vonnegut famously enunciated. Or it can be as complex as redemption. Everybody wants something, and wanting and striving is what makes characters memorable and specific and makes the audience fall in love with them.

Kara does want something, but she's terribly resigned to not getting it. This, especially coupled with the distanced point of view, leads the audience to feel resigned as well. If she's not going to fight for it, the reader thinks, even if not consciously, why should I waste my time reading about her?

None of this is to say that the story is without its strengths.

Kara has the potential to be quite engaging and charismatic, once she has a little more drive. And I, at least, was engaged as a reader by the enigmatic mages and my questions about the social order that surrounds them. I'm intrigued by this revolutionary queen and the opposition she faces and I want to learn more about the mages.

For the rest of this review, visit the Editors' Choice area of the OWW site!

--Elizabeth Bear
Author of STELES OF THE SKY, April 2014

BEHOLD PARADISE CHAPTERS 1, 2, AND 3 REVISED by L. K. Pinaire

The opening chapters of BEHOLD PARADISE have already been refined and polished to a very high level, so they present an excellent opportunity to look at the small things that can make your novel and set it apart.

In both short stories and novels, new writers get the advice to start quickly, in the middle of the action. But that means different things in each context. When we read a book, for example, we expect that we're going to be with a character for a longer period of time. So let's look at the opening scene, starting with the first two paragraphs.

The whine of Mother's charging laser breaks my drugged-induced stupor.

"How could you?" I want to ask. "Aim it away," but no words come out. She's put something in my drink. I can't speak; I can't move, and she's going to shoot me.

The first sensory detail we get is a whine. The first person that's mentioned is Mother. We're getting externally focused details before we get the essential grounding context that the character is drugged and incapacitated. Then the second paragraph immediately has to back up and tell us what happened before the first one.

In a book, you have more space to breathe and develop a scene. The opening paragraph could begin with the narrator raising a toast with his mother -- and then immediately dropping the glass as he feels the effects of being drugged. It doesn't have to take much more space than it does here -- it just happens in linear time.

It may seem like I'm making a big point out of two paragraphs, but it's something I see all the time in MSs, often to a much greater extent than here. If you start with exterior details, and then have to back up and ground us in the character to provide context, change to start it by grounding us in the character first. If you start with an action hook, but then immediately have to back up to ground us in context, just start with the earlier action and make it as concise as you can. This kind of action-based story will read smoother and faster if it flows forward without those bumps backward.

Some other observations from the rest of the chapters:

I think you could benefit by creating a better sense of Dome culture. Everything in Chapter 2 -- the police, the breakfast pastries, etc. -- feels exactly like it would in our world. Aside from a couple references to the dome, I never get a sense of a different culture or behavior emerging because people live in domes with an outside environment too hostile to survey. Compare it to the emergency drills/culture in the Dome cities in Lois McMaster Bujold's Komarr -- there a Dome culture has created permanent changes in the way people think and act. More of that here, especially in Chapter 2, would create a lot more verisimilitude, give the world greater depth, and set up some plot twists you could use later in the novel.

If they've re-created the whole world inside the Dome then why, in Chapter 3, does he still think about the Kentucky-Tennessee line and the Carolina border? These are lines that matter in a world based on government units, which no longer exist in this world, and on the idea of outside agriculture, which no longer exists either. It would be the same as modern Americans referring to the boundaries of Iroquois and Susquehannock trading zones as geographical references. If we do, they exist only as artifacts of language without contemporary meaning, in the same way that Kentucky and Tennessee may have once referred to hunting areas used by the Shawnee and Cherokee. A Dome culture might be more city-based, and use cities as reference points instead of old state borders. I'm not sure. But something about the contemporary names and boundaries here pulls me out of the world instead of grounding me in it. It gives the impression that things have stayed the same more than they have changed, which is not what the story wants.

Both of these comments come down to the same thing: when you create big world-changing events, make sure that the change is also reflected in some of the ordinary every day details of the world. It reinforces the differences and makes it feel more real.

These seem like small things to bring up -- and they are! -- but paying attention to the small things makes the difference between good and excellent. These chapters are already good and I would like to see them take that next step to become excellent.

C.C. Finlay
www.ccfinlay.com

"Only Temporary" by Kaia Vintr

"Only Temporary" caught my eye this month because of its ambition: It's trying several experimental narrative techniques, in concert, with a non-standard take on alien biology and architecture to boot. It's a good piece to launch a discussion this month about the balance between the experimental and the accessible, and how to make a story communicate effectively despite how much baggage we as writers have around those words.

Before diving in, I want to take a moment to highlight the standout strength of "Only Temporary": the strong cadence and polish of its prose. Paragraph to paragraph, the piece is full of unique imagery and musical sentences, and the hushed tone is established almost immediately. The effect is gripping: It tells readers: "I know what I'm doing here", and impressed me sufficiently to pull through what is, at present, a piece that's not yet succeeding on several craft levels. Regardless of what revisions "Only Temporary" undergoes, the prose in this piece is a very powerful point on its side.

However, I did mention that there are several other craft elements that can be bolstered to bring them up to the level of that sentence work, and the primary one is what's communicated to the readers and what's left off the page.

"Only Temporary" is a piece that leaves a lot of variables in the air: The timeline (initially), the setting, the characters' motivations and purposes; even the boy, girl and man's names are obscured. While this creates a decided effect when it comes to tone, like every technique we use as writers, it comes with risks as well as rewards. Every variable we leave for readers to fill in takes up space in their heads: uses some of their mental RAM. To a certain point, that can create engagement in a story -- they have to lean into it to get the most from the text! But past a certain point, when there are one or two variables too many, engagement falls off drastically: the readers' working memory is more caught up in figuring things out from incomplete information, so much so that they don't have enough left over to actually read, immerse in, and engage with the story.

I'd suggest this is the major issue "Only Temporary" faces: not enough of this story is actually on the page to make the guessing engaging and interesting instead of an obstacle between readers and the story. So much is experimental or inferred obliquely, and so little actually laid down and told, that readers have very few clues as to what parts of this story are important: the journey by spaceship? The flashback segments, saying we're not sure what? The relationship between the boy and girl? When everything is guesswork, everything is a mystery; and when everything is a mystery, nothing is the mystery, the standout element that readers can connect to as the main thread of a narrative.

I'd like to suggest several approaches to balancing an experimental, complicated story while not losing its complexity in the name of being accessible -- specifically for "Only Temporary" and for other pieces facing this issue:

Think of experimental fiction to be a person standing at the edge of a cliff. It's much easier to have one leg in the air, jumping, if you have one firmly planted on solid ground to support it. In craft terms, that means that the elements of worldbuilding, character, motive, or plot that aren't crucial to driving your story forward can quite easily just be put on the page. Readers can more easily follow a story to new places if they have a more common trope or situation to use as a jumping-off point -- a place to stand.

For the rest of this review, visit the Editors' Choice area of the OWW site!

--Leah Bobet
Author of ABOVE

"Sleeping with Pythons, Dining with Sharks" by Durnad Welsh

Sometimes a few details of a story can haunt the reader long after the story is over. When you're writing horror, this is a great effect to work toward. Which moments are the creepiest in your story? What imagery or implications are you trying to convey that could haunt the reader? In "Sleeping with Pythons, Dining with Sharks," I was haunted by several details. The first-person narrator looks into the covered truck bed of an eccentric old man, Sutter. There he sees "Shark tails. Six at least, the smallest a two-footer with tiger-stripe markings." In themselves, these details don't seem particularly disturbing, but Sutter has previously claimed that these are mermaid tails, and the narrator finds a hank of blond hair beside the tails a few moments later. Now these shark tails become disturbing and haunting, not for how they appear, but for what they suggest--the dead mermaids that were attached to these tails, one of them very small. Often, what you imply or suggest can be much more powerful than what you explicitly show.

This story has some haunting images, an interesting, fresh setting, and a strong atmosphere. I do feel the story could be strengthened in several ways, though.

I don't think the story has made the journey yet from idea to story to plot. The author needs to take his idea (some sort of premise or "what if . . ." statement), develop it into a story (with characters and a conflict), and then create a plot to show that story (the series of events that will build and resolve the conflict, the obstacles that the protagonist will encounter). In this piece, the narrator encounters Sutter, learns that Sutter is hunting mermaids and feeding off their immortality, rejects Sutter's offer of immortality, and leaves, fearing that Sutter's companion is hunting him. Since the narrator has no desire for immortality, his main action in the story, rejecting the offer, provides no temptation or suspense; nothing seems to be at stake, and the experience doesn't change the character in any significant way. Generally, a story involves a character struggling to solve a problem or achieve a goal, and in the struggle, he's changed. In the current version, the protagonist has no goal that I can detect, except to drink alcohol and be safe. Drinking and staying safe could be sufficient goals for a story, but only if they require struggle to achieve. The protagonist has no problem drinking and staying safe. He is able to afford cheap liquor, and I never believe Sutter or his companion Darlene intend to hurt him.

Rather than focusing on telling a story, the piece mainly serves to convey the author's idea to the reader -- that mermaids are half shark and carry immortality from the Fountain of Youth, and that Sutter has fed on them and gained partial mermaid/shark powers and traits. That's a very cool idea, but it isn't yet a story. To make it a story, we need a conflict. There are many possibilities. To keep it simple, let's say the narrator has a dying mother. His mother, in horrible pain, goes to the incomplete bridge (the setting of the story) to commit suicide. The narrator stops her and discovers Sutter nearby, fishing for mermaids. Sutter hints that he can help the mother. The narrator returns later and Sutter offers to sell him some immortality elixir from the mermaids. Now we have a protagonist who wants something--he has a goal he can struggle (if you provide sufficient obstacles) to achieve. So we could think of the story as the narrator struggling to save his mother by getting the elixir from Sutter, and in the process he's changed from believing death is the worst thing that could happen to someone to learning that there are much worse things than death. The next step is developing this story into a plot, figuring out the specific events and obstacles that will show the narrator struggling toward his goal, either failing or succeeding, and being changed by the experience.

For the rest of this review, visit the Editors' Choice area of the OWW site!

--Jeanne Cavelos, editor, author, director of Odyssey

This month, Michael Damien Thomas, writer, Hugo-nominated former managing editor of Apex Magazine, and co-editor of Queers Dig Time Lords (Mad Norwegian Press) with Sigrid Ellis, Flying Higher: An Anthology of Superhero Poetry (Meatball Trouble Productions) with Shira Lipkin, and Glitter & Mayhem (Apex Publications), with John Klima and Lynne M. Thomas, gives us a glimpse of what it's like from the editor's side of the desk.

I am an accidental editor.

I was working on a writing career when my wife, Lynne M. Thomas, became Editor-in-Chief of Apex Magazine. Over time, I helped her more and more until one day we figured out that I'd been the Managing Editor for the last couple of years (December 2013 was my last issue). My work on Apex Magazine eventually spun off into editing a couple of anthologies (Queers Dig Time Lords with Sigrid Ellis and Glitter & Mayhem with John Klima and Lynne).

So, what have I learned from editing that I didn't know when I was on the other side of the curtain?

Surprisingly, less than you might think, mostly because editors have been saying the same things over and over again online, at conventions, and in workshops. Still, some things were really reinforced by my experiences. I expect that you've heard all of these.

1: The Triangle is real.

I'm referring to Neil Gaiman's quote from his 2012 keynote address to the University of the Arts: "People keep working, in a freelance world, and more and more of today's world is freelance, because their work is good, and because they are easy to get along with, and because they deliver the work on time. And you don't even need all three. Two out of three is fine."

I heard a variation of this from Mark Evanier many years ago. This is extremely important from an editors' POV. People who only have one of these qualities stop working. Much of the work in this industry is solicited; If you show you can't manage two of these qualities, the invites will stop coming. People with only one of these qualities are simply not worth the headaches. (Even if their work is genius.) People with all three work constantly. They are golden and treasured by their editors.

2: Cover letters are overrated.

Pretty much every editor agrees about this one. We don't want a synopsis or a sales pitch. Nothing you say in the cover letter will make us more likely to purchase your story. Check the guidelines, but pretty much all every market wants is the title, word count, and some brief professional credits. By professional I mean publications in SFWA-qualifying markets or prestigious markets plus major awards or nominations. We really don't care about your unpaying zine credits or local newspaper awards. (Though we are very happy for you.)

You can also include relevant things like you're a firefighter if the story involves a firefighter. That's about it. Some editors would rather have no cover letters, so this is really something to keep simple. If anything, a long and ridiculous cover letter is more likely to make us read your story mid-eye roll, especially if it contains an error like being addressed to the wrong market.

3: Editors do talk to each other and use the Internet, but blacklists are overstated.

There's a perception that editors have blacklists for people who speak out about things on the Internet. It almost never happens in reality. It might cost you the "easy to get along with" corner of the triangle, but we're not about to auto reject based on a criticism or rant. That's not to say that blacklists don't exist. Many markets have them, but they're for special cases. These are people who have been abusive, have harassed or stalked staff members, or are simply dangerous or vile in some way. Editors do swap stories and warn each other about these behaviors and people. I would like to think that this doesn't apply to anybody reading this.

4: Voice is key.

This is the hardest thing for a writer to learn. I'm not sure if it's ever learned or if it just happens over time. You might have exquisite ideas, characters, and plot, but what makes a story stand out in a slush pile is the voice. The reason is that we've seen all of those other elements before. Everybody has interesting ideas; execution is what matters, and the unique voice in the story is how the execution succeeds.

5: It's not who you know, but who knows you.

I can't remember where I heard that one, but it seems to be a truism about "networking."

Networking is a weird thing. Nobody likes insincerity or feeling used. Every editor has moments at a convention when it's obvious that the person who just approached did it in order to further their career. It leaves a bad taste in our mouths and once again kills that "easy to get along with" corner of the triangle.

That doesn't mean you can't do things to be noticed. Say smart things on panels or on blogs. Chat with everybody at the party, even if they can't "help your career." Basically, it never hurts to be nice. Editors remember nice smart people, and that can open up opportunities. You will still need to deliver awesome work, of course. That's always what's most important. There aren't many shortcuts in this industry.

6: You can learn a lot about writing from the slush.

When you see a major magazine looking for slush readers, I recommend doing it at least once. It's one of the most educational things you can do as a writer. You will start seeing bad habits, overused tropes, unsatisfactory endings, poor beginnings, and so many other things that you can bring back to your own writing. There will be a point that you burn out, but the process will be extremely valuable.

Good luck with your writing. Please persevere and never reject yourself. There are very few professional slots available each month, but new and early career writers break in all the time.

--Michael Damien Thomas

Allan Dyen-Shapiro sends news of two reasons to celebrate: "I'm top-of-the-moon to be able to report that I've made my first two sales of short stories, both of which were critiqued on OWW. "The Traitor's Last Words" will run in the next issue of Digital-SF. And I was just told this week that Stupefying Stories will be purchasing "Caliban's Cameras." Congratulations, Allan! We love hearing about those first sales.

Robert M. Graves's flash-fiction story "Ever Before Me" appeared recently on Every Day Fiction.

Paul Horsman's series The Shadow of the Revenaunt was published by Dutch trade publisher Zilverspoor in 2012-2013 and is now available in English as well.

Workshop alum Sarah Prineas made an exciting announcement: "I'm thrilled to announce that Harper Teen will publish two young adult books by me -- and even happier that I get to continue working with my wonderful editor, Toni Markiet. The first YA is titled Ash & Bramble, and it's not so much a retold fairytale as an exploded one in which a happily-ever-after is the worst possible ending. It's got smooching in it. The publication date is in May 2015. This is the book that I wrote in a wild five-week frenzy last year while moving to a new house, the book formerly known as Chrome Weasels. Which really isn't a good title for a book with no chrome in it. Or weasels, for that matter. I did add a goat, however. The second YA book is to-be-determined and will be out in 2016."

The Reviewer Honor Roll is a great way to pay back a reviewer for a really useful review. When you nominate a reviewer, we list the reviewer's name, the submission/author reviewed, and your explanation of what made the review so useful. The nomination appears in the Honor Roll area of OWW the month after you submit it, and is listed for a month. You can nominate reviewers of your own submissions or reviewers of other submissions, if you have learned from reading the review. Think of it as a structured, public "thank you" that gives credit where credit is due and helps direct other OWWers to useful reviewers and useful review skills.

Visit the Reviewer Honor Roll page for a complete list of nominees and explanatory nominations.

Reviewer: Grace Campbell
Submission: Hiding with the Enemy by Jo Bazure
Submitted by: Jo Bazure

Reviewer: Roberta Ecks
Submission: "Quoted" Part 2 of 2 by nicole minsk
Submitted by: nicole minsk

Reviewer:Christian Crowe
Submission: The Coping Saw (1/2) by B. Morris Allen
Submitted by: B. Morris Allen

Reviewer: JP Juniper
Submission: All the Kings in Their Flowing Cups Freshly Remembered by Rebecca Schwarz
Submitted by: Rebecca Schwarz

Reviewer: Susan Keene
Submission: The light of a thousand suns by Toni Spencer
Submitted by: Toni Spencer

Reviewer: Philip Carroll
Submission: Superstition: The Prankster -- Prologue & Chapter 1 by Noelle C Campbell
Submitted by: Noelle C Campbell

Reviewer: Jane Forni
Submission: The light of a thousand suns by Toni Spencer
Submitted by: Toni Spencer

Reviewer: Raymond Walshe
Submission: The light of a thousand suns by Toni Spencer
Submitted by: Toni Spencer

Reviewer: Yusel Abramovitch
Submission: Last One Out by Karen Rylander
Submitted by: Jo Vraca

Reviewer: Matt Horgan
Submission: Last One Out by Karen Rylander
Submitted by: Jo Vraca

Reviewer: Rob Smythe
Submission: THE HARVEST - CHAPTER 1 (1200 BC) (Revision 1/28/14a) by C.E. Francis
Submitted by: C.E. Francis

INFINITE by Jodi Meadows (January 28th, 2014 by Katherine Tegen Books)

The stunning conclusion to the Incarnate trilogy, a fantasy series about a girl who is the first new soul born into a society where everyone else has been reborn hundreds of times.

Ana knows that soon life in Heart will be at risk so she escapes with her friends, seeking answers and allies to stop Janan's ascension and keep the other Newsouls safe. But only she knows the true cost of reincarnation and the dangers she'll encounter if she returns to stop him once and for all.

Fees: $49/year, $30/6 months, or $6/month. First trial month free. (more)

This month's featured article from our Tips and Advice section:

"OW, THAT HURTS! Dealing with the Less-Than-Pleasant Critique" by Jon Paradise

A good critique is a terribly useful thing, and we do love to get them. Even if they make us reconsider some of our most beloved storytelling decisions (sometimes especially then), a good critique can be the difference between a story that almost works and one that wins a Nebula.

But we've all gotten the crits that leave us shaking our heads, too. From the one-paragraph point-getter summary of the story we've slaved over with the obligatory "you need to use a comma here" inserted as a nod to actual content, to the deluxe 4,000 word teardown chock-full of directives ("do it this way!"), demeaning language ("you keep making this mistake!"), and generalized, sometimes inexplicable advice ("In the real world, women never seek conflict, they always want to resolve things").

Or, even worse, the critique that's well-meaning, but has little to do with the story we wrote, from the critiquer who has a vision that isn't the one that we have for the story. A ton of effort spent trying to craft a great crit...that might not actually help us at all.

However they may come, some crits can be baffling, disheartening, infuriating, or all three and more. But maybe we can still get something out of many of them. How? Here are a few things I've learned over the years, first as a member of the 'shop and, later, as a member of the OWW support staff.

Read the rest of this tip in our Tips section!

Got a helpful tip for your fellow members? A trick or hint for submitting or reviewing, for what to put in your author's comments, for getting good reviews, or for formatting or titling your submission? Share it with us and we'll publish it in the next newsletter. Just send it to support (at) sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com and we'll do the rest.